Prove Your Comedy Chops with Moment’s Cartoon Caption Contest
Welcome to the Moment Magazine Cartoon Caption Contest, founded with the help of New Yorker cartoon editor Bob Mankoff, and drawn by New Yorker cartoonist Ben Schwartz.
Do you have a way with words and humor? If so, look at the cartoon below and send us a caption—or two or three! Plus scroll down to vote for your favorite caption. It’s free and fun!
Winners may claim a free Moment subscription for a friend of family member. Contest open to U.S. residents 18 and above.
Plus: Read interviews with some of our most prolific caption contest contributors here.
Submit a caption for this cartoon by July 31 by writing it in as a comment at the bottom of this page!
Vote for your favorite caption by filling out the form immediately below!
“I’m gonna make you an offering you can’t refuse.”
—Paul Root Wolpe, Decatur, GA
“Don’t make us come up there.”
—Rich Wolf, Westminster, MD
“Are you from the Eternal Revenue Service?”
—Dale Stout, Colorado Springs, CO
“You may have made man, but I’m A made man”
This has been another fun contest. I was so glad to enter. I would like to personally thank everyone else who entered.
“Today you are a man. “
“Welcome to the auditions for “Fiddler in the Rough”.
“Shalom, you look like a real MENTCH!”
“Welcome, my MISHPACHA has finally arrived!”
“Greetings, your BRIS ceremony is in my delicate hands!”
“Boychik, do I have a woman for you!”
Congratulations, Paul, and, of course, Rich and Dale.
The verdict’s in; the judges didn’t fail.
To the old, goodbye; to the new, hello:
It’s another opening of another show.
Best to you all. Good submissions!
Thank you Gerald.
Thank you, Gerald. Between Wolpe and Wolf, I’m just Warp and Woof.
“I’ve been waiting 250,000 years. You’re now a MAN, my son!”
“Charles, how wonderful: four generations of family at your Bar Mitzvah.”
“You’ve evolved from ape to Abe.”
“You’ve evolved from ape to Shlomo sapiens.”
This would be better as “You’re one step away from Shlomo sapiens.”
Arkady,
Should the rest of us quit here?
You’ve set the bar almost impossibly high with your June 9, 17:18h caption suggestion.
Couldn’t you have waited a while? 🙂
Arkady’s entry was quite good and I almost quit, but then I went ape sh** with creativity as you can see below
“You’re all welcome at our renovated mikvah.”
“Shalom. I was waiting until you converted.”
“Thank G-d it’s you. I would’ve been afraid to perform a bris on the other three.”
“I have one piece of advice for you, my boy. If someone offers you an apple, don’t take it.”
“The assent of Manischewitz “
You don’t have to hide in the jungle “closet” anymore!”
You are not exactly “PUTTIN’ ON THE RITZ!”
“Now stop monkeying around and get a job!”
Mordecai Kaplan was right — we’re an evolving civilization!
What’s next — an orangutan on the Seder plate?
Mordecai Kaplan was right — we’re an evolving civilization!
Mazal Tov and Simian Tov!
We’ve recently had reconciliation with primates in Canada, Poland, and Ukraine.
hey, how about we gorilla some shishlik?
“You’re now exactly 250,013 years old—time for you to learn your bar-mitzvah haftorah.”
A vibrant Judaism goes beyond “monkey see, monkey do”!
I’m from Monsey, not monkey!
The Torah transcends the “infinite monkey theorem”!
Sukkot celebrates the Origin of (the 4) Species!
“I don’t know why Charles Darwin titled his book ‘The Descent of Man.’
Baruch Ha Shem, it looks more like an ascent to me.”
Were you in the movie, “ESCAPE FROM THE PLANET OF THE APES?”
What kind of story can be told at the beginning of a contest in which everyone is thinking of a new, creative approach? Here’s one, courtesy of David Wolpe (related to Paul Root Wolpe, one of our winners?):
A thousand years from now when scientists have solved all the questions that plague humanity, they are finally ready for the ultimate challenge. They elect a representative to address God.
“God,” says the scientist in charge. “You are no longer needed. You served a function in your day, but that day is gone. We can do everything that You can do, so goodbye.”
There is a moment of silence. Then a voice booms out of the sky. “EVERYTHING?”
“Yes,” answers the scientist, “everything.”
“Can you make a human being from dust?”
“Absolutely.”
“OK,” says God. “Let’s see you do it.”
The scientist reaches down and digs his hands into the earth.
“Oh, no,” says God.
“GET YOUR OWN DUST!”
Gerald, I hadn’t heard this story, and I am a big fan of Rabbi Wolpe. I enjoy his many offerings on YouTube. There exists a debate between Rabbi Wolpe and the late Christopher Hitchens. I recommend looking at it. I won’t post the link here because that gets me in trouble. I once had a comment removed by the editorial staff for a similar indiscretion. It is easy to look it up using a few keywords, and it would be worthwhile to do so. It contains a particularly powerful apologetic argument that compares a three-year-old child’s ability to understand G-d to that of an adult to do the same. And how much greater the gap between an adult’s intellectual capacity and that of, say G-d. He says it better, but it is a particularly appealing trope. Check it out if you are so inclined
Please rise for the Aleinu!
I thought I posted these on June 9, but they didn’t show up. So here you go!
+++
(1) “SHALOM, you look like a real MENSCH!”
(2) “Welcome, my MISHPACHA has finally arrived!”
(3) “Greetings, your BRIS ceremony is in my delicate hands!”
(4) “BOYCHIK, do I have a woman for you!”
Jim,
Thanks for the information. Rabbi Wolpe, you know, has a small weekly column in the Jewish Week. Here is a sample of one of his comments:
“Knowing where to find information is not the same as possessing it. Each fact we learn is arranged in the matrix of all we already know. One who knows how to Google ‘Shakespeare sonnets’ cannot be compared to the one who has memorized Shakespeare’s sonnets. The latter carries the words with him. The former is an accountant of knowledge; he knows where the treasure is, but it does not belong to him.
“Real education instills a desire for knowledge, not merely the tools to acquire it. We are shaped by what we know and what we yearn to know. The Talmud tells us that as a young man Hillel was so desperate for words of Torah that he climbed on the roof of the study house to hear the discourses of his great predecessors, Shemaya and Avtalion. Noticing the darkness, they looked up and saw the young man on the skylight, covered with snow. The Rabbis rescued Hillel, washed and anointed him, and sat him by the fire.
“’If you want to build a ship,’ wrote Antoine de Saint- Exupery, ‘don’t drum up people together to collect wood and don’t assign them tasks and work, but rather teach them to long for the sea.’
“First teach children to love learning; the Web will wait.”
Jim, my favorite Wolpe book is his 1999 “Making Loss Matter.”
Incidentally, if you want to read marvelous articles, look up some of our Joshua Rokach’s essays in The Forward. Not only is he an accomplished humorist, he’s a very incisive writer with a formidable wealth of knowledge.
Thanks again for your always great responses. It’s like lobbing a tennis ball across a net knowing reassuringly that it will always come back.
“Mr.Darwin, I presume?”
“Evolution, Smevolution. Let’s get you to my tailor!”
“I know it’s cold, but it looks like survival of the littlest!”
“Naturally, I selected you my boy!”
“Before our next meal, we should enjoy an APEritif!”
“Of your ancestors, you are at the APEx!”
Dinah, here’s a true story. A man living in Jerusalem came home unexpectedly late and realized with a jolt that because he was saying kaddish, he would need to say ma’ariv with a minyan. But services had ended at all the synagogues. What to do? He had an inspiration. He called nine cab companies and independently asked each one of them to send a driver to make his minyan and said that he would pay each one for his time. Everything worked out as he had hoped. But after the prayers were concluded, all the drivers strongly waved away payment, saying that they were glad to have performed the mitzvah, and then drove away.
Only in Israel. 🙂
“The military needs talented men like you with a background in GORILLA warfare.”
“I’ve been waiting for you. Unfortunately the other three don’t count for the minyan.”
“For the cookout, you will need a bib and a APEron.”
“Mazel tov. Come with me. Don’t worry about your ancestors. One day all apes will become apps.”
“First things first, my boy. Let’s put on tefillin.”
“It’s all about survival of the Yiddish.”
I like it.
“At the cookout, you can have an APErol SPRITZ!”
“Your pets van sit next to the women’s balcony.”
‘You misunderstood last week’s sermon. I said nudnicks, not nudenicks.”
“Thank you for observing our gun-free, no-concealed-carry zone.”
Conversion Express Station II: Bris
“Your Shatnez test results were positive.”
“Your pets can join us in the Social Hall for kiddush..”
“Your pets can stay for kiddush in the Social Hall.”
“The pets’ minyan meets in the Social Hal.”
Everybody, Group Hug.
Your nickname should be JUNGLE GYM. But, you can “exercise” your right to change it.
“Mammals have been assigned the upper deck.”
“I need to paint your picture for POSTERIOR purposes.”
“How could you possibly say that I failed the shatnez test? You’re just trying to pull the wool over my eyes.”
(Sorry, Dinah. I’ll repent during the high holidays.)
“Come in guys. We just needed four more for a minion.”
“Just in time for your Bar Mitzvah…Now you are a man!’
“Your mother is going to be thrilled to see that you’re finally standing up straight.”
“So what have you been up to all this time?”
“So how much longer before you evolve in to a doctor?”
Funny.
“Your invitation was for a dude ranch, not a NUDE ranch!”
My son, the Manthropologist.
I got heads, Darwin got the tail end.
Schlong time no see.
Is that your left hand, or are you growing an ape-pendedge?
Which came first, the chicken or the soup?
Ask a “nosher” about the word SCHMALTZ.
Foreskin and seven years ago…
Submitted by Ape Lincoln.
It’s the missing Monkevich.
“By walking upright, you avoided the MONKEY WRENCH back!”
If you are “stuck” in the past, then you must be using GORILLA GLUE!
“Rabbi, you’re too strict. Tell me, would a woolly mammoth pass the shatnez test?”
(Dinah, see what you started?)
In your “ape world,” bigamy means two lovers. But in the “modern world,” bigamy means two mothers-in-law.
Marvin, I can picture a Marx Brothers routine:
Chico: You know, I got two wives.
Groucho: My God, that’s bigamy.
Chico: You’re right. I support two families. It IS is big o’ me.
(For all I know, they MIGHT have used it. But thanks, Marvin, for the inspiration.)
5 kinds of APES:
(1) Bonobos (2) Chimpanzees (3) Orangutans (4) Gorillas (5) Humans / SOPHISTICATED APES ?!
“You can’t go to shul that way. You can wear my tallis.”
Gerald,
Is there a handicap section in your shul for ALTERKAKER SILVERBACKS?
Marvin,
No; GOLDbacks. We only take the best!
Gerald,
In that case, there is special brand underwear for ALTERKAKER GOLDbacks. The special BRAND underwear helps them JOCKEY for seating positions! 🙂
Marvin,
To clarify my previous post, just last week we had two applicants for the handicap section in my shul: a man named Silverstein and a woman named Goldstein. I’m sure you’ll accurately guess which person we took.
(She was very happy to have been chosen.)
Gerald,
The woman named GOLDstein must be a GEM of a person. A real BALABUSTA in her family, and not some YENTA!
Marvin,
Has it occurred to you that so many people who have the names of precious stones are Jewish? Consider “Gold.” Anyone having that surname almost has to be one of the chosen people. Or Diamond. Or Silver. Or Pearl. Or Ruby (remember Harry Ruby of Kennedy assassination fame?). Or Sapphire {Safire). Even the word “money” is “gelt” in German and Yiddish and is Jewish. I once knew an infamous Jewish landlord named Geltman.
There was a guy who was in love with a girl named Pearl. I later asked him why they split. He said, “I loved Pearl, that’s true, but I didn’t get along with the mother of pearl.’
At this point I expect a drumroll.
Oops! I meant JACK Ruby of Kennedy assassination fame. Harry Ruby was a famous songwriter way back when.
Oops 2: I should’ve been more careful and used the word “jewelry” instead of “precious stones” for accuracy in my previous comments. That’s what comes from writing too fast.
Gerald,
Your report on wealth begs the following scenario:
A man named Goldman was from Golden Colorado and had a golden retriever dog. He was a gold jeweler and specialized in gold coins from around the world. Mr. Goldman had a gold membership in Gold’s Gym and a gold elite status at the Marriott Hotel. By the way, he had many gold teeth and even a gold toilet in his house. He drove a golden Cadillac and his privately owned horse named Gold Nugget won the Gold Cup at the races.
Unfortunately, Mr. Goldman married a gold digger who absconded with much of his money. At this point, he considered that he possed “fool’s gold” which broke his heart. When Mr. Goldman died, he was buried in a cemetery near Golden Pond.
I could continue the story, but I am in my golden years with limited time to write more.
Marvin,
What can I say? There isn’t much,
Except to say you still have that golden touch.
(Be careful, though. Remember what happened to King Midas. 🙂 )
You could have been “Tarzan of the Apes.” But, by MESSING AROUND in the bushes you became a CHEETAH!
Marvin,
I’d rather be Tarzan of the apes. He was supposed to be a real swinger. When he was making movies, he could be found in Los Angeles at the corner of Hollywood and Vine.
Gerald,
Tarzan was a conflicted creature since he had to choose from his beautiful Jane and his gorilla family. This was forced upon him when humans approached his world. In his early upbringing, he was affectionate with the feminine apes. As it turned out, he really was a “swinger” in the jungle and chose to be TARZAN THE APE MAN to the detriment of his Jane! As the old saying goes, “You can take Tarzan out of the Jungle, but you can’t take the jungle out of Tarzan!”
Cartoon idea: Man talks into phone:
“I have a great weight-loss plan. I make it my business to attend at least three virtual dinners a week.”
(I hope there won’t be any bidding war over this one! 🙂 )
Zero calorie food for thought.
Do you remember the T.V. program titled Paladin?
How about a new version:
Have Schlong–Will Travel
You say you want some evolution,
Well you know,
We all want to change the world
Boychiks, wassup?
Did you know Charles Darwin’s real name was Chaim Davidowutz?
Sorry guys, we’re out of talesim; we do have jock straps, however….
Welcome to a world of social distancing, masks, TRUMPANDEMIC and Zoom. Homo not so erectus anymore?
That’s why we have Viagra & Clorox. 🙂
“You need new clothes like a wildlife ZOOt suit.”
Good. Robert D. came back. So did Stephen. And Delano. And Jim. Now where is Adrian? Are his granddaughters visiting again and taking all his time?
Just trying to keep tabs. The more the merrier.
Hi Gerald! Inspiration is virally dangerous. Luckily, I’m safe…
Oy vey! My wife’s brothers all visiting at the same time!
There will be no monkeyshines around here.
At least you got top banana.
You call this your Doh Minion?
Tassels are hassles.
See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil: very good.
Stalin, Lenin and Marx agree: don’t make a monkey’s uncle out of me.
There was no Big Bang. More like Bada Bing, Bada Boom.
It’s a goy.
Naked you enter this world but go out in style.
Did you hear about the “Call of the Wild?” That’s WILD TURKEY BOURBON!
“You are a BEAST of a MAN!”
“So, you’ve finally mensched yourself!”
“So, you;ve finally mensched yourself!”
I never metamorphosis I didn’t like.
Brilliant . . . I like it!
Thank you, Jim!
Let’s not go out on a limb with golem.
“According to your medical analysis, you have been exposed to KING KONG FLU!”
Your DNA indicates that you are a cross between a Neanderthal and an Abominable Snowman. That makes you an Apeman with “BIG FOOTAGE!”
Welcome to the White Man’s world!
“Your SCHMECKLE is hysterical, I mean historical.”
“Today you are a man, so stop acting like an animal!”
“It was a long trek but you never gave up.”
I’ve been waiting ages for you!
“Special for you, a free BIKINI WAX at Madame Tussauds Museum!”
Who whispered, WAX ON–WAX OFF?
I was going through some papers, and the following quote popped out. Someone once sent it to me. I wish I could claim authorship, but I can’t. It’s well worth reading.
Jim, I think it will resonate with you:
“Everything is ambiguous. Everything is always shifting and changing, and there are as many different takes on any given situation as there are people involved. Trying to find absolute rights and wrongs is a trick we play on ourselves to feel secure and comfortable.”
Best to all, and welcome Joyce V., with your fresh response to our enigmatic cartoon.
Gerald, first let me join you in welcoming Joyce. Her caption is wonderfully simple and yet like all the better captions it works on several levels.
Regarding your Pema Chödrön quote. No, I am not that well read. I am just very good at finding quotes on the web. Once again you opened the door. Now stand back . . .
I am assuming you have something specific in mind when you quote “there are as many different takes on any given situation as there are people involved”, and this it is a beautifully apt quote today. In watching the TV coverage, the viewer could easily identify with Harry Lime in “The Third Man” and his view from the Ferris Wheel. He assumes each of those little ants running around is of little consequence to the big picture. But we can’t help ourselves and looking closer we each have our different “takes”. to quote Shakespeare “Therein lies the rub”.
Some will see a wonderfully multiracial, multicultural, assemblage of peaceful demonstrators expressing long pent up frustrations. Others see a rampage of mostly minority hooligans augmented by a smattering of white, overly indulged, largely Jewish ingrates. They see police cars burned out, business burned out, looters with purely selfish motivation. To others it is just “Spring Break” on steroids. I trust this is what you were thinking when you posted this quote. And I apologize for this dark comment on what should be a light hearted escape vehicle.
Hollywood producer Sam Goldwyn is reputed to have said “include me out” when asked to participate in something. But I’m no Sam Goldwyn. I don’t like to include anyone out. So let me not confine greetings to Joyce V. Let me add, among others, Rabbi Grumbacher, Ivan Greenberg, Charles Patterson, and Michael Landau.
(Be glad this isn’t “The Divine Comedy,” in which you’d be greeted with the ominous words “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”)
Gerald,
With reference to Sam Goldwyn and my following cartoon caption:
“You seem to have a CHIMP on your shoulder!” 🙂
With a little makeup, you can star in the next Planet of the Apes.
Welcome to mail-in voting.
Please, each of you needs a mask.
Call your mother. Use the missing CenturyLink.
We’ll have an open bar mitzvah.
Simon, someone’s making a Simian out of u.
What do ape astronauts drink? OranguTang.
We have to pay for everyone’s Medicare?!
From you, “hot women” acquire JUNGLE FEVER!
“Pets you would like are the SPIDER monkey and/or the SQUIRREL monkey.”
“Shalom. Are you the mensch that I’ve been waiting for all this time, or will there be someone even more evolved than you coming along?”
A Summary of Apeman
(Q) What kind of meat does a kosher Apeman NOT eat in the jungle?
(A) WartHOGS & PORKupines.
+++
(Q) What is the name an Apeman uses when he is uncouth and unclean?
(A) “Dirty Hairy.”
+++
(Q) What do you call an Apeman that goes crazy?
(A) “Bananas.”
“Reform. That’s good too!”
OR
“Reform? That’s good too.”
“Look at you, boychick! You came so far in just 5780 years.”
“Forget that meshugeneh Darwin, he is not one of us.”
“Shalom. I see you’ve met that meshugeneh Darwin on your way here.”
“Let’s forget that meshugeneh Darwin and his monkey business.”
“You can audition for the CHIMP-IN-DALES.”
Ooh ooh – give that man a banana! :^)
Dale,
In your honor the name has been upgraded:
CHIMP-IN-DALESTOUT !!!!! 🙂
Adrian,
To borrow from that great philosopher Yogi Berra, “It’s deja vu all over again.” No, I don’t mean Mickey Mantle and Roger Maris hitting back-to-back homers. I mean quoting from the same comic strip that I quoted for you a long time ago, “For Better or for Worse” by Lynn Johnston, because I thought it would appeal to your granddaughters.
This week features seven panels. In the first panel the mother is brushing her long hair. Then, in the following balloons, she reminisces: “I remember when I was a little girl, watching my mother brush her hair in the wind.” She continues: “Her hair was long and gold colored, and I thought it was beautiful. I’d stand in the window where she couldn’t see me, wishing I had hair like my mother’s. Now, here I am, brushing my hair in the wind the way she did … and that wonderful memory comes back to me as clearly as if it were today.” And in the last panel we see her resuming the brushing of her long hair. But we also see her daughter standing in the window just as she once had, watching her wistfully.
A beautiful strip that your granddaughters might still enjoy. The artist, Lynn Johnston, has herself had a very interesting life.
All of you keep well and let us hear from you?
Wonderful posting (and wonderful Lynn comic strip), thanks Gerald! I see we are both suckers for this kind of lovely schmaltz…
Welcome to Rabbinical School – Your final stop on the evolutionary chain.
Give me the “lovely schmaltz” anytime. Oscar Hammerstein II, you know, was often criticized for the sentimentality in his lyrics. Consider this from one of the songs in the Rodgers and Hammerstein musical “Carousel”:
Friend: I’m glad you gotta fella, Carrie! What’s he like?
(Music)
Carrie: His name is Mister Snow
And an upstandin’ man is he
He comes home ev’ry night in his round-bottomed boat
With a net full of herring from the sea.
An almost perfect beau
As refined as a girl could wish
But he spends so much time in his round-bottomed boat
That he can’t seem to lose the smell of fish.
The fust time he kissed me, the whiff from his clo’es
Knocked me flat on the floor of the room;
But now that I love him, my heart’s in my nose
And fish is my fav’rite perfume …
Anyway, it was more than good to hear from you. I trust all is well. Thanks.
Baruch Hashem! You have straighten out your act!
Think of that in this way, in the modern world you have those “MONKEYS OFF YOUR BACK!”
Cartoon idea: Waiter approaching the table of a seated couple in an upscale restaurant:
“Can I interest you in some disinfectant?”
(Sorry, you can’t win ’em all.)
Soap du jour?
Read “The Naked Ape” and view your ancestors UNCOVERED & REVEALED!
“That’s how you became a man?”
“It’s not nice to fool Mother Nature.” Can you hide that ONE-EYED MONSTER?
Breathes there a man with soul so dead who never to himself has said, “Damn it! Why didn’t I think of that when I had a chance to reply to so-and-so’s comments?”
A beautiful chorus girl once held a door for Dorothy Parker with the words, “Age before beauty,” to which Dottie instantly replied, “Pearls before swine.” A perfect mot juste.
Elizabeth Warren, on the other hand, was lobbed an easy ball by Donald Trump and struck out when she apologized for her claims of native American heritage instead of demolishing him after he derisively called her “Pocahontas.” She could have hit the ball out of the park by retorting, “I wish I were Pocahontas. Then I could scalp you and keep your ridiculous hair as a trophy.”
Oh, well. We all often don’t think as fast as we need to, don’t we?