FOOD FOR THOUGHT: Prepare for the Presidential election of 2020 as a big UN-Holy event!

Does anyone remember Bobby Darin, that brash but talented singer-songwriter-actor of the 1950’s and 60’s? He once said (and this is from memory) that Shakespeare was a genius but that he too had to be a genius to be able to recognize that quality in the playwright. Well, in the same vein, let me pat myself on the back for having the perception to recognize Dale Stout’s “I’m a hard act to swallow” when it was first posted. Of course, to give credit where’s it’s due, Jim Gorman also recognized the cleverness of the caption. He, too, is entitled to pat himself on the back and call himself a genius.

Now if we could only predict the stock market … 🙂

“If you don’t like stop using the word ‘like’ after every word you like use I’m gonna have to like throw you off this like cloud!”

We’re not on Cloud #9 feasting, but we are on Clouds #1 & #2 stuffing our faces!

Jim, ironically , if your satiric contribution were sent to Facebook, it would generate THOUSANDS of likes.

Likes are now used not only by teenagers in their slang but to measure popularity and importance.

If Dean Martin were singing today, the words of his signature song would now be “You’re Nobody Till Somebody LIKES You.” 🙂

“My child, the major lesson for you to learn is that G-d alone is the source of all creativity in the universe. That is why, for the first time ever, Dr.Ben Schwartz did not want to put his name on the cartoon.”

“We are fortunate in being able to make use of all the knowledge stored in the cloud.”

“Heaven is the place where the things you truly love are neither illegal, immoral, nor fattening.”

“Forget about cholesterol. That’s a word they torture themselves with only in the lower regions.”

“Pray tell, do you eat to live, or live to eat?”

Marvin, there’s a third choice. How about living to pray, pray tell?

Oh Thank Heaven for 7-Eleven.

I can’t believe Reagan called ketchup a vegetable.

If you eat that J-e-l-l-o, you’ll go straight to H-e-l-l-o.

“Manna tastes better.”

“I’ll trade you my Angel’s Food cake for your Devil Dog.”

“You make the blessing first on food, then on drink.”

“God knows what you’re eating, my son.”

God packs an “almighty punch” ( when non-alcoholic drinks are involved ).

“Based on my long experience, I can tell you that Cherry Coca-Cola is the most delicious soft drink.

The food tastes heavenly, but the ambiance needs improvement.

“What in Creation is that?”

“I’ll take the Impossible Burger.”

I’ll trade you gushers, and apples for your crackers and cheese.

“Go back to the old caterer.”

“I could use the Halo Top.”

“How do you like Manna 2.0?”

Jim, there’s no one around who knows more about cartoons and cartoonists than our own Stephen Nadler. His own website is masterfully curated. So if he chose to conjecture why Ben Schwartz neglected to sign the new cartoon, I’d love to read his take.

By the way, thanks for YOUR always great contributions. They’re much appreciated, believe me.

“Would you like a Jew’s box?”

GOD speaking to Angel (cartoon): If you complain about the food (or this cartoon), then I will change you into ANGEL DUST!
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Dedicated to Gerald Lebowitz.

Marvin and Jim,

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were in the middle of a trip and found themselves camped for the night in a large field. At three o’clock in the morning, Holmes suddenly awakened Watson. “Look up, Watson, what do you see?” he asked.

“A sky blanketed with stars,” Holmes replied.

“And what does that show you?” Holmes persisted.

Holmes thought. “It shows me that the whole universe, everything included, is comprised of cosmic dust, that we are part of all that there is and that …”

Holmes interrupted impatiently. “Idiot!” he yelled. “It shows us that someone has stolen our tent!”

What the anecdote does show us is that we sometimes waste our time looking for complicated explanations when a simple one would suffice.

Perhaps the real reason Ben Schwartz didn’t sign his cartoon–don’t bother to think and think or drive yourself to drink—is that he simply ran out of ink. 🙂

Marvin,

Wasn’t it a famous philosopher who once said, “I ink, therefore I am”?

Or is that putting Descartes before the horse?

(Sorry. Dale has just collapsed from shock due to the worst pun he ever heard. When he recovers, there’s no telling what he might do. I’m going into hiding.)

If I were Descartes:

“I think, therefore I am. At least I THINK so.”

Then there’s the case where God watches outer space and comments, “There you are Marshal Applewhite, with your 38 followers in a spacecraft (UFO) following Halley’s Comet. If you weren’t so content, then I would invite you to lunch.” (Even God has his “outer limits!”)

“Boychick, cloud technology is nothing new.”

OR

“Boychick, one of my earliest projects was cloud technology.”

A chicken and a pig were best friends and were walking down a country road. Suddenly they came upon a restaurant. “I’m hungry,” said the chicken. “Let’s go in.”

“No! exclaimed the pig. “Look at the menu. Their specialty is ham and eggs.”

“So what?” asked the chicken.

“So what?

“From you they just want a contribution; but from me they want complete surrender!”

(Told by Ram Dass, about whom a film, “Becoming Nobody,” has just been released. Dinah, I wish you could review films too.)

“I once had a lot of money, but I lost it all betting on Hillary in the last election”

“Heaven is the sweetest place of all , but you can still develop low blood sugar here and need a quick pick-me-up.”

Led Zeppelin wrote the song “A Stairway To Heaven.” Personally, I would rather ride something like the Tower of Terror to reach heaven. After all, getting to heaven should be a thrill ride!

You can skip the artificial colors, flavoring and preservatives.

I was cool before there was Kool-Aid.

It’s no more fasting and no more fast foods.

“Give me your lunch and earn your other wing.”

The Devil’s Diet: Eat your heart-out then die.
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The Military Diet: Take what food you want, but eat all that you take.
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The Angel’s Diet: Nothing is too good for you to eat.
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The “Apple” Diet: Google it before you consume it.
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My Diet (Marvin’s Diet): Pray that you can afford to eat, or that you are invited-out by others to eat.

“Don’t worry son, you drank the Kool-Aid a long time ago.”

Marvin,

(1) My version of the Military Diet: Take what food you want, but shake a lot of salt into it before you taste.

(2) Here’s a challenge for you: A solipsist is a person who proclaims that he/she alone exists, that everything else in the universe is his/her mental projection. How would you refute the solipsist? Think about it and then see below.

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Possible answer: Arrange a convention of solipsists, then let them fight it out to determine which one is the real one. (If anyone can propose a better solution, submit it here. You might win a no-prize– to be delivered in no time.)

“They were all upgraded to silver lining.”

“I’ll trade you my bog of potato chips for your peanut butter sandwich.”

“They just fluffed them for Rosh Hashana.”

Oops–forgive the typo. Nobody would want a BOG of potato chips. They’d be disgustingly damp and spongy. But a BAG? Well, that might be a viable trade.

“They tell me that your angel food cake is to die for.”

Ask a blessing? Why?

Kid, someday all of this will still be His.

Finally I can eat pork.

I imagined a long feasting table. But bag lunches?

“Here we just don’t say ‘better than sex.'”

The Pearly Gates of Heaven needs a wall. Not to prohibit the poor souls from entering, but to prohibit the righteous souls inside from leaving. All humans are not perfect, and maybe tempted by the “dark side.” Just ask the combatants of Star Wars that encounter all kinds of situations. Let us pray for the soul of Darth Vader!

Dale,

Just saw your September 5 entry, “If you eat that J-e-l-l-o, you’ll go straight to H-e-l-l-o.” I guess great minds think alike. In the 1940’s, after Lucky Strike, Jello became the sponsor of Jack Benny’s wildly popular Sunday evening radio program. Jack’s introduction to every show was “Jello again, this is Jack Benny.”

Maybe we were both born at the wrong time, although you would be successful at any time. You certainly always light up this site.

By the way, I can’t end this mention of old-time radio without giving you my definition of a true intellectual. A true intellectual is any person who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking once about the Lone Ranger.

Thanks for everything, Dale.

“You’re hiding something in that bag. Is there a cheeseburger in paradise?”

“There is one thing for sure. We don’t need to dress-up to eat these tidbits!”

“Like WHOSE mother used to make?”

“Remember, our morsels are PRICEless (than down on earth)!”

“You’re gonna love Fridays! Ever have manna pizza?”

“I know this isn’t what you expected, but there’s an economic downturn in Heaven and we all have to tighten our belts.”

“Being a GUARDian angel, you need to make sure none of my food is missing!”

“This reminds me of one of those Moment cartoons by what’s-his-name.”

“What happened was that President Trump finally got rid of the Federal Reserve. All its employees came here. The first thing they did was raise interest rates. Now, believe it or not, we in Heaven have to tighten our belts.”

“They loved me so much on earth that they named a dinosaur after me, GODZILLA!”

“There is no devil’s food cake. We no longer do imports.”

(Eddie Money wrote the song, “Two Tickets To Paradise.”) “I’m sorry that you died Eddie, but the good news is that your ticket will be validated when you arrive in heaven (paradise). The bad news is that there is no refund on the second ticket!”

Tossing humor back and forth is like playing in a good pickup basketball game. Here’s a case in point:

Marvin took the ball started with Descartes and ran with “ink” from “think.” The other day I picked up a remarkable book, “Rethinking Consciousness,” by neuroscientist and psychologist Michael S. A. Graziano and was startled to read that “Octopuses are the superstars of the invertebrates because of their astonishing intelligence … with a complex brain and sophisticated behavior and an astonishing nervous system.” An octopus “can use tools, solve problems and show unexpected creativity. In a now-classic demonstration, octopuses can learn to open a glass jar by unscrewing the top in order to get a tasty morsel within.”

And what does this most intelligent organism use as a very effective defense system? That’s right, ink! It knows that the pen is mightier than the sword, so it literally becomes a pen and squirts the ink at predators.

Descartes, take note!

(Thanks, Marvin, as always.)

“I’ll trade you one wing for Ben Schwartz’s signature.”

Tree of Heaven (genus Ailanthus): Yes, that’s right. It is a native tree mainly in China and is found in the United States. In China, the tree has a special reputation, but in the United States, it has a very dubious reputation. The tree was presented to the people of Townsend, Washington state as an offering of friendship around the1860s. The crew on the Chinese ship thought that the people living in Washington state desired this gift for their respectful kindness to the Chinese people. The tree planted in the middle of Townsend lasted until 1997. I felt privileged to view this tree many years ago. It was chained off with a plaque giving the history. An important lesson here is that we need to understand a foreign country by their standards and not just our standards. Thus, we must strive to improve our education and knowledge to make this a better world!

“I’ll give you a wing if you give me a prayer.”

“Are you sure the K isn’t for KFC?”

More people should come to my lunch ‘n’ learn brown bag!

Food is heavenly here ’cause manna tastes like whatever you want.

“Who cares about the mundane food? Where is my wine? Even the Pope approves of wine!”

“They may be kosher but I think wings are in poor taste.”

“What price shall I pay for indigestion – bad food or this boring conversation?” 🙁

Watch the carbs.

You can eat all you want, but want all you eat.

That’s not what I meant by “Preserve the Saints.”

I expected more than “Good food, Good meat, Thank God, Let’s eat.”

You looked like you could use a little company.

“I love all animals, so I will pass on eating Animal Crackers!”

“In the previous cartoon I was just getting out of a whale with my sunglasses on. I thought I was OK, but I guess I didn’t survive.”

“Even up here we have ground rules.”

“Who gave away my secrets that I am baldheaded and wear sandals?”
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In my opinion, this has something to do with an INK SMEAR!

From “Talking to Strangers” by Malcolm Gladwell:

“Poets die young. That is not just a cliche. The life expectancy of poets, as a group, trails playwrights, novelists, and non-fiction writers by a considerable margin. They have higher rates of emotional disorders than actors, musicians, composers, and novelists. And of every occupational category, poets have far and away the highest suicide rates–as much as five times higher than the general population. Something about writing poetry appears either to attract the wounded or to open new wounds….”

Gladwell, thankfully, does not mention cartoonists in his list, particularly New Yorker cartoonists like Ben Schwartz. May our muse live long and prosper and sign his cartoons for at least the next half-century, and may we all be around to celebrate Al Jaffee’s 0ne-hundreth birthday on March 13, 2010. 🙂

Oops, I meant March 13, 2020.

But you all knew that, didn’t you?

You couldn’t have known that. He’ll be 100 on March 13, 2021.

(Next time Marvin offers me a drink before I write something, I’m going to respectfully decline.)

“Would it kill them to serve kasha?”

“Sorry, but it takes more than ANGELIC prayers to become MISS UNIVERSE!”

With a name like Smuckers it has to be good.

Forget this, get me a pastrami on rye.

Don’t we have a Jewish deli?

I’ll trade you a forbidden fruit roll-up.

I like my fruit cocktails with a kick.

Next time pray bigger.

“I’m not eating anything that has ANGEL HAIR in my PASTA!”

Marvin, if I were an ordinary shadchen (matchmaker), I’d say, “Have I got a girl for you!”

But I’m a literary matchmaker. I fix people up with books I think they’d enjoy. So I say to you, “Have I got a BOOK for you!”

In a way, I do what Dinah does, only in a less formal way.

Based on your obvious kinship with nature, I strongly recommend “The Hidden Life of Trees: What They Feel, How They Communicate: Discoveries from a Secret World.” The author is not a New Ager like Deepak Chopra, from whom you’d expect a book like this, but from a seasoned forester who stays close to the facts. He tells how trees nurture each other and communicate and are part of a lively ecosystem. His name is Peter Wohileben.

If I recommended a girl and you got married and had a nasty split, she could sue you: you might have to spend a fortune on divorce lawyers.

But if you don’t like a book, all you have to do is return the book to the library. And any brain-children you get as a result of your reading are yours. You never have to pay child support.

It’s a remarkable book, well worth reading!

Thanks for all YOUR support!

“And then I turned the full force of my personality on Abraham and told him that he had to sacrifice his only son, Isaac, and then–badda boom–you shoulda seen the expression on that guy’s face.”