Cartoon Caption Contest

Prove Your Comedy Chops with Moment’s Cartoon Caption Contest

Welcome to the Moment Magazine Cartoon Caption Contest, founded with the help of New Yorker cartoon editor Bob Mankoff, and drawn by New Yorker cartoonist Ben Schwartz.

Do you have a way with words and humor? If so, look at the cartoon below and send us a caption—or two or three! Plus scroll down to vote for your favorite caption. It’s free and fun!

Winners may claim a free Moment subscription for a friend of family member. Contest open to U.S. residents 18 and above.

Plus: Read interviews with some of our most prolific caption contest contributors here.

Submit a caption for this cartoon by July 31 by writing it in as a comment at the bottom of this page!

Vote for your favorite caption by filling out the form immediately below!

“I’m gonna make you an offering you can’t refuse.”
—Paul Root Wolpe, Decatur, GA


“Don’t make us come up there.”
—Rich Wolf, Westminster, MD


“Are you from the Eternal Revenue Service?”
—Dale Stout, Colorado Springs, CO

Vote for your favorite! The winner will receive a free subscription to Moment to give to a friend. Any U.S. resident age 18 or older can enter.

Vote for your favorite caption

Chuckle at the Winter 2020 winning caption—and see who wrote it!

“My garage sale went better than expected.”
—Arkady Elterman, Boston, MA

How to Submit Your Caption(s)

Submit as a comment below by July 31, 2020. Finalists will appear in the upcoming issue. To vote for the winner of the Spring 2020 contest (see finalists above), use the vote form.

345 Comments
  • Noah Schiffman 19:40h, 07 June Reply

    “You may have made man, but I’m A made man”

  • Delano Britt 19:53h, 07 June Reply

    This has been another fun contest. I was so glad to enter. I would like to personally thank everyone else who entered.

  • William Agress 00:56h, 09 June Reply

    “Today you are a man. “

  • William Agress 01:31h, 09 June Reply

    “Welcome to the auditions for “Fiddler in the Rough”.

  • Marvin Sager 07:07h, 09 June Reply

    “Shalom, you look like a real MENTCH!”

  • Marvin Sager 07:15h, 09 June Reply

    “Welcome, my MISHPACHA has finally arrived!”

  • Marvin Sager 07:27h, 09 June Reply

    “Greetings, your BRIS ceremony is in my delicate hands!”

  • Marvin Sager 07:36h, 09 June Reply

    “Boychik, do I have a woman for you!”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 14:57h, 09 June Reply

    Congratulations, Paul, and, of course, Rich and Dale.
    The verdict’s in; the judges didn’t fail.
    To the old, goodbye; to the new, hello:
    It’s another opening of another show.

    Best to you all. Good submissions!

    • Richard 19:54h, 10 June Reply

      Thank you Gerald.

    • Dale Stout 23:48h, 15 June Reply

      Thank you, Gerald. Between Wolpe and Wolf, I’m just Warp and Woof.

  • Gerald Lebowitz 15:03h, 09 June Reply

    “I’ve been waiting 250,000 years. You’re now a MAN, my son!”

  • JR 16:39h, 09 June Reply

    “Charles, how wonderful: four generations of family at your Bar Mitzvah.”

  • Arkady Elterman 17:18h, 09 June Reply

    “You’ve evolved from ape to Abe.”

    • Arkady Elterman 23:02h, 24 June Reply

      “You’ve evolved from ape to Shlomo sapiens.”

      • Arkady Elterman 15:56h, 25 June Reply

        This would be better as “You’re one step away from Shlomo sapiens.”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 17:44h, 09 June Reply

    Arkady,

    Should the rest of us quit here?

    You’ve set the bar almost impossibly high with your June 9, 17:18h caption suggestion.

    Couldn’t you have waited a while? 🙂

    • Larry Lesser 11:44h, 10 June Reply

      Arkady’s entry was quite good and I almost quit, but then I went ape sh** with creativity as you can see below

  • D Rokach 17:52h, 09 June Reply

    “You’re all welcome at our renovated mikvah.”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 20:10h, 09 June Reply

    “Shalom. I was waiting until you converted.”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 21:39h, 09 June Reply

    “Thank G-d it’s you. I would’ve been afraid to perform a bris on the other three.”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 21:55h, 09 June Reply

    “I have one piece of advice for you, my boy. If someone offers you an apple, don’t take it.”

  • jim gorman 01:59h, 10 June Reply

    “The assent of Manischewitz “

  • Marvin Sager 06:42h, 10 June Reply

    You don’t have to hide in the jungle “closet” anymore!”

  • Marvin Sager 06:54h, 10 June Reply

    You are not exactly “PUTTIN’ ON THE RITZ!”

  • Marvin Sager 07:15h, 10 June Reply

    “Now stop monkeying around and get a job!”

  • Larry Lesser 09:51h, 10 June Reply

    Mordecai Kaplan was right — we’re an evolving civilization!

  • Larry Lesser 09:53h, 10 June Reply

    What’s next — an orangutan on the Seder plate?

  • Larry Lesser 09:55h, 10 June Reply

    Mordecai Kaplan was right — we’re an evolving civilization!

  • Larry Lesser 10:16h, 10 June Reply

    Mazal Tov and Simian Tov!

    • shelley Dube 19:15h, 02 July Reply

      Love it!!

  • Larry Lesser 10:29h, 10 June Reply

    We’ve recently had reconciliation with primates in Canada, Poland, and Ukraine.

  • Larry Lesser 10:37h, 10 June Reply

    hey, how about we gorilla some shishlik?

  • Gerald Lebowitz 10:46h, 10 June Reply

    “You’re now exactly 250,013 years old—time for you to learn your bar-mitzvah haftorah.”

  • Larry Lesser 10:58h, 10 June Reply

    A vibrant Judaism goes beyond “monkey see, monkey do”!

  • Larry Lesser 11:00h, 10 June Reply

    I’m from Monsey, not monkey!

  • Larry Lesser 11:20h, 10 June Reply

    The Torah transcends the “infinite monkey theorem”!

  • Larry Lesser 11:31h, 10 June Reply

    Sukkot celebrates the Origin of (the 4) Species!

  • Gerald Lebowitz 12:38h, 10 June Reply

    “I don’t know why Charles Darwin titled his book ‘The Descent of Man.’

    Baruch Ha Shem, it looks more like an ascent to me.”

  • Marvin Sager 12:43h, 10 June Reply

    Were you in the movie, “ESCAPE FROM THE PLANET OF THE APES?”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 17:08h, 10 June Reply

    What kind of story can be told at the beginning of a contest in which everyone is thinking of a new, creative approach? Here’s one, courtesy of David Wolpe (related to Paul Root Wolpe, one of our winners?):

    A thousand years from now when scientists have solved all the questions that plague humanity, they are finally ready for the ultimate challenge. They elect a representative to address God.

    “God,” says the scientist in charge. “You are no longer needed. You served a function in your day, but that day is gone. We can do everything that You can do, so goodbye.”

    There is a moment of silence. Then a voice booms out of the sky. “EVERYTHING?”

    “Yes,” answers the scientist, “everything.”

    “Can you make a human being from dust?”

    “Absolutely.”

    “OK,” says God. “Let’s see you do it.”

    The scientist reaches down and digs his hands into the earth.

    “Oh, no,” says God.

    “GET YOUR OWN DUST!”

    • jim gorman 01:31h, 11 June Reply

      Gerald, I hadn’t heard this story, and I am a big fan of Rabbi Wolpe. I enjoy his many offerings on YouTube. There exists a debate between Rabbi Wolpe and the late Christopher Hitchens. I recommend looking at it. I won’t post the link here because that gets me in trouble. I once had a comment removed by the editorial staff for a similar indiscretion. It is easy to look it up using a few keywords, and it would be worthwhile to do so. It contains a particularly powerful apologetic argument that compares a three-year-old child’s ability to understand G-d to that of an adult to do the same. And how much greater the gap between an adult’s intellectual capacity and that of, say G-d. He says it better, but it is a particularly appealing trope. Check it out if you are so inclined

  • Larry Lesser 19:27h, 10 June Reply

    Please rise for the Aleinu!

  • Marvin Sager 07:48h, 11 June Reply

    I thought I posted these on June 9, but they didn’t show up. So here you go!
    +++
    (1) “SHALOM, you look like a real MENSCH!”

    (2) “Welcome, my MISHPACHA has finally arrived!”

    (3) “Greetings, your BRIS ceremony is in my delicate hands!”

    (4) “BOYCHIK, do I have a woman for you!”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 16:38h, 11 June Reply

    Jim,

    Thanks for the information. Rabbi Wolpe, you know, has a small weekly column in the Jewish Week. Here is a sample of one of his comments:

    “Knowing where to find information is not the same as possessing it. Each fact we learn is arranged in the matrix of all we already know. One who knows how to Google ‘Shakespeare sonnets’ cannot be compared to the one who has memorized Shakespeare’s sonnets. The latter carries the words with him. The former is an accountant of knowledge; he knows where the treasure is, but it does not belong to him.

    “Real education instills a desire for knowledge, not merely the tools to acquire it. We are shaped by what we know and what we yearn to know. The Talmud tells us that as a young man Hillel was so desperate for words of Torah that he climbed on the roof of the study house to hear the discourses of his great predecessors, Shemaya and Avtalion. Noticing the darkness, they looked up and saw the young man on the skylight, covered with snow. The Rabbis rescued Hillel, washed and anointed him, and sat him by the fire.

    “’If you want to build a ship,’ wrote Antoine de Saint- Exupery, ‘don’t drum up people together to collect wood and don’t assign them tasks and work, but rather teach them to long for the sea.’

    “First teach children to love learning; the Web will wait.”

    Jim, my favorite Wolpe book is his 1999 “Making Loss Matter.”

    Incidentally, if you want to read marvelous articles, look up some of our Joshua Rokach’s essays in The Forward. Not only is he an accomplished humorist, he’s a very incisive writer with a formidable wealth of knowledge.

    Thanks again for your always great responses. It’s like lobbing a tennis ball across a net knowing reassuringly that it will always come back.

  • Rich Wolf 17:56h, 11 June Reply

    “Mr.Darwin, I presume?”

  • Rich Wolf 18:01h, 11 June Reply

    “Evolution, Smevolution. Let’s get you to my tailor!”

  • Rich Wolf 18:03h, 11 June Reply

    “I know it’s cold, but it looks like survival of the littlest!”

  • Rich Wolf 18:04h, 11 June Reply

    “Naturally, I selected you my boy!”

  • Marvin Sager 18:28h, 11 June Reply

    “Before our next meal, we should enjoy an APEritif!”

  • Marvin Sager 18:31h, 11 June Reply

    “Of your ancestors, you are at the APEx!”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 13:32h, 12 June Reply

    Dinah, here’s a true story. A man living in Jerusalem came home unexpectedly late and realized with a jolt that because he was saying kaddish, he would need to say ma’ariv with a minyan. But services had ended at all the synagogues. What to do? He had an inspiration. He called nine cab companies and independently asked each one of them to send a driver to make his minyan and said that he would pay each one for his time. Everything worked out as he had hoped. But after the prayers were concluded, all the drivers strongly waved away payment, saying that they were glad to have performed the mitzvah, and then drove away.

    Only in Israel. 🙂

  • Marvin Sager 07:15h, 13 June Reply

    “The military needs talented men like you with a background in GORILLA warfare.”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 14:43h, 13 June Reply

    “I’ve been waiting for you. Unfortunately the other three don’t count for the minyan.”

  • Marvin Sager 17:58h, 13 June Reply

    “For the cookout, you will need a bib and a APEron.”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 22:14h, 13 June Reply

    “Mazel tov. Come with me. Don’t worry about your ancestors. One day all apes will become apps.”

  • Stephen Nadler 22:58h, 13 June Reply

    “First things first, my boy. Let’s put on tefillin.”

  • Stephen Nadler 22:59h, 13 June Reply

    “It’s all about survival of the Yiddish.”

    • Dale Stout 04:16h, 20 June Reply

      I like it.

    • shelley Dube 19:14h, 02 July Reply

      I like it as well!!

  • Marvin Sager 07:00h, 14 June Reply

    “At the cookout, you can have an APErol SPRITZ!”

  • JR 10:59h, 14 June Reply

    “Your pets van sit next to the women’s balcony.”

  • D Rokach 16:40h, 14 June Reply

    ‘You misunderstood last week’s sermon. I said nudnicks, not nudenicks.”

  • D Rokach 16:43h, 14 June Reply

    “Thank you for observing our gun-free, no-concealed-carry zone.”

  • D Rokach 16:45h, 14 June Reply

    Conversion Express Station II: Bris

  • D Rokach 16:48h, 14 June Reply

    “Your Shatnez test results were positive.”

  • JR 18:31h, 14 June Reply

    “Your pets can join us in the Social Hall for kiddush..”

  • JR 18:32h, 14 June Reply

    “Your pets can stay for kiddush in the Social Hall.”

  • JR 18:51h, 14 June Reply

    “The pets’ minyan meets in the Social Hal.”

  • Delano Britt 19:04h, 14 June Reply

    Everybody, Group Hug.

  • Marvin Sager 20:42h, 14 June Reply

    Your nickname should be JUNGLE GYM. But, you can “exercise” your right to change it.

  • D Rokach 07:45h, 15 June Reply

    “Mammals have been assigned the upper deck.”

  • Marvin Sager 08:41h, 15 June Reply

    “I need to paint your picture for POSTERIOR purposes.”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 12:07h, 15 June Reply

    “How could you possibly say that I failed the shatnez test? You’re just trying to pull the wool over my eyes.”

    (Sorry, Dinah. I’ll repent during the high holidays.)

  • Cary Antebi 13:45h, 15 June Reply

    “Come in guys. We just needed four more for a minion.”

  • Cary Antebi 13:50h, 15 June Reply

    “Just in time for your Bar Mitzvah…Now you are a man!’

  • Cary Antebi 13:55h, 15 June Reply

    “Your mother is going to be thrilled to see that you’re finally standing up straight.”

  • Cary Antebi 14:00h, 15 June Reply

    “So what have you been up to all this time?”

  • Cary Antebi 14:04h, 15 June Reply

    “So how much longer before you evolve in to a doctor?”

    • Dale Stout 04:38h, 20 June Reply

      Funny.

  • Marvin Sager 14:39h, 15 June Reply

    “Your invitation was for a dude ranch, not a NUDE ranch!”

  • Dale Stout 23:24h, 15 June Reply

    My son, the Manthropologist.

  • Dale Stout 23:26h, 15 June Reply

    I got heads, Darwin got the tail end.

  • Dale Stout 23:36h, 15 June Reply

    Schlong time no see.

  • Dale Stout 00:06h, 16 June Reply

    Is that your left hand, or are you growing an ape-pendedge?

  • Dale Stout 00:09h, 16 June Reply

    Which came first, the chicken or the soup?

    • Marvin Sager 12:47h, 17 June Reply

      Ask a “nosher” about the word SCHMALTZ.

  • Dale Stout 00:12h, 16 June Reply

    Foreskin and seven years ago…

    • Dale Stout 19:15h, 16 June Reply

      Submitted by Ape Lincoln.

  • Dale Stout 00:19h, 16 June Reply

    It’s the missing Monkevich.

  • Marvin Sager 08:49h, 16 June Reply

    “By walking upright, you avoided the MONKEY WRENCH back!”

  • Marvin Sager 08:59h, 16 June Reply

    If you are “stuck” in the past, then you must be using GORILLA GLUE!

  • Gerald Lebowitz 11:57h, 16 June Reply

    “Rabbi, you’re too strict. Tell me, would a woolly mammoth pass the shatnez test?”

    (Dinah, see what you started?)

  • Marvin Sager 16:27h, 16 June Reply

    In your “ape world,” bigamy means two lovers. But in the “modern world,” bigamy means two mothers-in-law.

  • Gerald Lebowitz 19:22h, 16 June Reply

    Marvin, I can picture a Marx Brothers routine:

    Chico: You know, I got two wives.
    Groucho: My God, that’s bigamy.
    Chico: You’re right. I support two families. It IS is big o’ me.

    (For all I know, they MIGHT have used it. But thanks, Marvin, for the inspiration.)

  • Marvin Sager 09:06h, 17 June Reply

    5 kinds of APES:

    (1) Bonobos (2) Chimpanzees (3) Orangutans (4) Gorillas (5) Humans / SOPHISTICATED APES ?!

  • Gerald Lebowitz 13:47h, 17 June Reply

    “You can’t go to shul that way. You can wear my tallis.”

    • Marvin Sager 15:05h, 17 June Reply

      Gerald,

      Is there a handicap section in your shul for ALTERKAKER SILVERBACKS?

  • Gerald Lebowitz 15:31h, 17 June Reply

    Marvin,

    No; GOLDbacks. We only take the best!

    • Marvin Sager 17:34h, 17 June Reply

      Gerald,

      In that case, there is special brand underwear for ALTERKAKER GOLDbacks. The special BRAND underwear helps them JOCKEY for seating positions! 🙂

  • Gerald Lebowitz 16:58h, 17 June Reply

    Marvin,

    To clarify my previous post, just last week we had two applicants for the handicap section in my shul: a man named Silverstein and a woman named Goldstein. I’m sure you’ll accurately guess which person we took.

    (She was very happy to have been chosen.)

    • Marvin Sager 17:54h, 17 June Reply

      Gerald,

      The woman named GOLDstein must be a GEM of a person. A real BALABUSTA in her family, and not some YENTA!

  • Gerald Lebowitz 21:31h, 17 June Reply

    Marvin,

    Has it occurred to you that so many people who have the names of precious stones are Jewish? Consider “Gold.” Anyone having that surname almost has to be one of the chosen people. Or Diamond. Or Silver. Or Pearl. Or Ruby (remember Harry Ruby of Kennedy assassination fame?). Or Sapphire {Safire). Even the word “money” is “gelt” in German and Yiddish and is Jewish. I once knew an infamous Jewish landlord named Geltman.

    There was a guy who was in love with a girl named Pearl. I later asked him why they split. He said, “I loved Pearl, that’s true, but I didn’t get along with the mother of pearl.’

    At this point I expect a drumroll.

  • Gerald Lebowitz 21:36h, 17 June Reply

    Oops! I meant JACK Ruby of Kennedy assassination fame. Harry Ruby was a famous songwriter way back when.

  • Gerald Lebowitz 21:57h, 17 June Reply

    Oops 2: I should’ve been more careful and used the word “jewelry” instead of “precious stones” for accuracy in my previous comments. That’s what comes from writing too fast.

  • Marvin Sager 08:40h, 18 June Reply

    Gerald,

    Your report on wealth begs the following scenario:

    A man named Goldman was from Golden Colorado and had a golden retriever dog. He was a gold jeweler and specialized in gold coins from around the world. Mr. Goldman had a gold membership in Gold’s Gym and a gold elite status at the Marriott Hotel. By the way, he had many gold teeth and even a gold toilet in his house. He drove a golden Cadillac and his privately owned horse named Gold Nugget won the Gold Cup at the races.

    Unfortunately, Mr. Goldman married a gold digger who absconded with much of his money. At this point, he considered that he possed “fool’s gold” which broke his heart. When Mr. Goldman died, he was buried in a cemetery near Golden Pond.

    I could continue the story, but I am in my golden years with limited time to write more.

  • Gerald Lebowitz 11:01h, 18 June Reply

    Marvin,

    What can I say? There isn’t much,
    Except to say you still have that golden touch.

    (Be careful, though. Remember what happened to King Midas. 🙂 )

  • Marvin Sager 11:56h, 18 June Reply

    You could have been “Tarzan of the Apes.” But, by MESSING AROUND in the bushes you became a CHEETAH!

  • Gerald Lebowitz 13:10h, 18 June Reply

    Marvin,

    I’d rather be Tarzan of the apes. He was supposed to be a real swinger. When he was making movies, he could be found in Los Angeles at the corner of Hollywood and Vine.

  • Marvin Sager 15:58h, 18 June Reply

    Gerald,

    Tarzan was a conflicted creature since he had to choose from his beautiful Jane and his gorilla family. This was forced upon him when humans approached his world. In his early upbringing, he was affectionate with the feminine apes. As it turned out, he really was a “swinger” in the jungle and chose to be TARZAN THE APE MAN to the detriment of his Jane! As the old saying goes, “You can take Tarzan out of the Jungle, but you can’t take the jungle out of Tarzan!”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 15:48h, 19 June Reply

    Cartoon idea: Man talks into phone:

    “I have a great weight-loss plan. I make it my business to attend at least three virtual dinners a week.”

    (I hope there won’t be any bidding war over this one! 🙂 )

    • jim gorman 18:19h, 19 June Reply

      Zero calorie food for thought.

  • Marvin Sager 17:03h, 19 June Reply

    Do you remember the T.V. program titled Paladin?
    How about a new version:

    Have Schlong–Will Travel

  • Robert D. Diamant 18:23h, 19 June Reply

    You say you want some evolution,
    Well you know,
    We all want to change the world

  • Robert D. Diamant 18:30h, 19 June Reply

    Boychiks, wassup?

  • Robert D. Diamant 18:35h, 19 June Reply

    Did you know Charles Darwin’s real name was Chaim Davidowutz?

  • Robert D. Diamant 18:42h, 19 June Reply

    Sorry guys, we’re out of talesim; we do have jock straps, however….

  • Robert D. Diamant 18:46h, 19 June Reply

    Welcome to a world of social distancing, masks, TRUMPANDEMIC and Zoom. Homo not so erectus anymore?

    • Marvin Sager 14:43h, 20 June Reply

      That’s why we have Viagra & Clorox. 🙂

  • Marvin Sager 20:11h, 19 June Reply

    “You need new clothes like a wildlife ZOOt suit.”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 21:47h, 19 June Reply

    Good. Robert D. came back. So did Stephen. And Delano. And Jim. Now where is Adrian? Are his granddaughters visiting again and taking all his time?

    Just trying to keep tabs. The more the merrier.

    • Adrian Storisteanu 15:51h, 20 June Reply

      Hi Gerald! Inspiration is virally dangerous. Luckily, I’m safe…

  • John Grosman 00:34h, 20 June Reply

    Oy vey! My wife’s brothers all visiting at the same time!

  • Dale Stout 04:22h, 20 June Reply

    There will be no monkeyshines around here.

  • Dale Stout 04:23h, 20 June Reply

    At least you got top banana.

  • Dale Stout 04:24h, 20 June Reply

    You call this your Doh Minion?

  • Dale Stout 04:25h, 20 June Reply

    Tassels are hassles.

  • Dale Stout 04:29h, 20 June Reply

    See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil: very good.

  • Dale Stout 04:30h, 20 June Reply

    Stalin, Lenin and Marx agree: don’t make a monkey’s uncle out of me.

  • Dale Stout 04:31h, 20 June Reply

    There was no Big Bang. More like Bada Bing, Bada Boom.

  • Dale Stout 04:32h, 20 June Reply

    It’s a goy.

  • Dale Stout 04:43h, 20 June Reply

    Naked you enter this world but go out in style.

  • Marvin Sager 07:56h, 20 June Reply

    Did you hear about the “Call of the Wild?” That’s WILD TURKEY BOURBON!

  • Marvin Sager 08:12h, 20 June Reply

    “You are a BEAST of a MAN!”

  • Michael Landau 11:49h, 20 June Reply

    “So, you’ve finally mensched yourself!”

  • Michael Landau 11:50h, 20 June Reply

    “So, you;ve finally mensched yourself!”

  • Dale Stout 21:41h, 20 June Reply

    I never metamorphosis I didn’t like.

    • jim gorman 00:12h, 21 June Reply

      Brilliant . . . I like it!

      • Dale Stout 21:08h, 22 June Reply

        Thank you, Jim!

  • Dale Stout 21:49h, 20 June Reply

    Let’s not go out on a limb with golem.

  • Marvin Sager 04:14h, 21 June Reply

    “According to your medical analysis, you have been exposed to KING KONG FLU!”

  • Marvin Sager 08:15h, 21 June Reply

    Your DNA indicates that you are a cross between a Neanderthal and an Abominable Snowman. That makes you an Apeman with “BIG FOOTAGE!”

  • Ivan Greenberg 15:49h, 22 June Reply

    Welcome to the White Man’s world!

  • Marvin Sager 07:52h, 23 June Reply

    “Your SCHMECKLE is hysterical, I mean historical.”

  • Rabbi Peter H Grumbacher 17:29h, 23 June Reply

    “Today you are a man, so stop acting like an animal!”

  • Charles Patterson 21:30h, 23 June Reply

    “It was a long trek but you never gave up.”

  • Joyce Videlock 07:28h, 24 June Reply

    I’ve been waiting ages for you!

  • Marvin Sager 12:26h, 24 June Reply

    “Special for you, a free BIKINI WAX at Madame Tussauds Museum!”

    • Marvin Sager 11:18h, 28 June Reply

      Who whispered, WAX ON–WAX OFF?

  • Gerald Lebowitz 16:52h, 24 June Reply

    I was going through some papers, and the following quote popped out. Someone once sent it to me. I wish I could claim authorship, but I can’t. It’s well worth reading.

    Jim, I think it will resonate with you:

    “Everything is ambiguous. Everything is always shifting and changing, and there are as many different takes on any given situation as there are people involved. Trying to find absolute rights and wrongs is a trick we play on ourselves to feel secure and comfortable.”

    Best to all, and welcome Joyce V., with your fresh response to our enigmatic cartoon.

    • jim gorman 12:58h, 27 June Reply

      Gerald, first let me join you in welcoming Joyce. Her caption is wonderfully simple and yet like all the better captions it works on several levels.
      Regarding your Pema Chödrön quote. No, I am not that well read. I am just very good at finding quotes on the web. Once again you opened the door. Now stand back . . .
      I am assuming you have something specific in mind when you quote “there are as many different takes on any given situation as there are people involved”, and this it is a beautifully apt quote today. In watching the TV coverage, the viewer could easily identify with Harry Lime in “The Third Man” and his view from the Ferris Wheel. He assumes each of those little ants running around is of little consequence to the big picture. But we can’t help ourselves and looking closer we each have our different “takes”. to quote Shakespeare “Therein lies the rub”.
      Some will see a wonderfully multiracial, multicultural, assemblage of peaceful demonstrators expressing long pent up frustrations. Others see a rampage of mostly minority hooligans augmented by a smattering of white, overly indulged, largely Jewish ingrates. They see police cars burned out, business burned out, looters with purely selfish motivation. To others it is just “Spring Break” on steroids. I trust this is what you were thinking when you posted this quote. And I apologize for this dark comment on what should be a light hearted escape vehicle.

  • Gerald Lebowitz 19:09h, 24 June Reply

    Hollywood producer Sam Goldwyn is reputed to have said “include me out” when asked to participate in something. But I’m no Sam Goldwyn. I don’t like to include anyone out. So let me not confine greetings to Joyce V. Let me add, among others, Rabbi Grumbacher, Ivan Greenberg, Charles Patterson, and Michael Landau.

    (Be glad this isn’t “The Divine Comedy,” in which you’d be greeted with the ominous words “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”)

  • Marvin Sager 09:13h, 25 June Reply

    Gerald,

    With reference to Sam Goldwyn and my following cartoon caption:

    “You seem to have a CHIMP on your shoulder!” 🙂

  • Dale Stout 08:48h, 26 June Reply

    With a little makeup, you can star in the next Planet of the Apes.

  • Dale Stout 08:52h, 26 June Reply

    Welcome to mail-in voting.

  • Dale Stout 08:54h, 26 June Reply

    Please, each of you needs a mask.

  • Dale Stout 08:57h, 26 June Reply

    Call your mother. Use the missing CenturyLink.

  • Dale Stout 09:00h, 26 June Reply

    We’ll have an open bar mitzvah.

  • Dale Stout 09:05h, 26 June Reply

    Simon, someone’s making a Simian out of u.

  • Dale Stout 09:07h, 26 June Reply

    What do ape astronauts drink? OranguTang.

  • Dale Stout 09:25h, 26 June Reply

    We have to pay for everyone’s Medicare?!

  • Marvin Sager 10:52h, 26 June Reply

    From you, “hot women” acquire JUNGLE FEVER!

  • Marvin Sager 11:02h, 26 June Reply

    “Pets you would like are the SPIDER monkey and/or the SQUIRREL monkey.”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 17:02h, 26 June Reply

    “Shalom. Are you the mensch that I’ve been waiting for all this time, or will there be someone even more evolved than you coming along?”

  • Marvin Sager 18:33h, 26 June Reply

    A Summary of Apeman

    (Q) What kind of meat does a kosher Apeman NOT eat in the jungle?
    (A) WartHOGS & PORKupines.
    +++
    (Q) What is the name an Apeman uses when he is uncouth and unclean?
    (A) “Dirty Hairy.”
    +++
    (Q) What do you call an Apeman that goes crazy?
    (A) “Bananas.”

  • Adrian Storisteanu 11:11h, 27 June Reply

    “Reform. That’s good too!”

    • Adrian Storisteanu 17:58h, 27 June Reply

      OR

      “Reform? That’s good too.”

  • Adrian Storisteanu 11:15h, 27 June Reply

    “Look at you, boychick! You came so far in just 5780 years.”

  • Adrian Storisteanu 11:24h, 27 June Reply

    “Forget that meshugeneh Darwin, he is not one of us.”

    • Adrian Storisteanu 09:41h, 01 July Reply

      “Shalom. I see you’ve met that meshugeneh Darwin on your way here.”

  • Adrian Storisteanu 11:27h, 27 June Reply

    “Let’s forget that meshugeneh Darwin and his monkey business.”

  • Marvin Sager 16:36h, 27 June Reply

    “You can audition for the CHIMP-IN-DALES.”

    • Dale Stout 09:24h, 30 June Reply

      Ooh ooh – give that man a banana! :^)

      • Marvin Sager 11:03h, 30 June Reply

        Dale,

        In your honor the name has been upgraded:

        CHIMP-IN-DALESTOUT !!!!! 🙂

        • Dale Stout 09:11h, 03 July Reply

          Marvin,

          Thank you for not calling me Chump-in-Dale! ;^)

          • Marvin Sager 11:54h, 03 July

            Dale,

            The correct name would be:

            CHAMP-IN-DALE! 🙂

  • Gerald Lebowitz 16:41h, 27 June Reply

    Adrian,

    To borrow from that great philosopher Yogi Berra, “It’s deja vu all over again.” No, I don’t mean Mickey Mantle and Roger Maris hitting back-to-back homers. I mean quoting from the same comic strip that I quoted for you a long time ago, “For Better or for Worse” by Lynn Johnston, because I thought it would appeal to your granddaughters.

    This week features seven panels. In the first panel the mother is brushing her long hair. Then, in the following balloons, she reminisces: “I remember when I was a little girl, watching my mother brush her hair in the wind.” She continues: “Her hair was long and gold colored, and I thought it was beautiful. I’d stand in the window where she couldn’t see me, wishing I had hair like my mother’s. Now, here I am, brushing my hair in the wind the way she did … and that wonderful memory comes back to me as clearly as if it were today.” And in the last panel we see her resuming the brushing of her long hair. But we also see her daughter standing in the window just as she once had, watching her wistfully.

    A beautiful strip that your granddaughters might still enjoy. The artist, Lynn Johnston, has herself had a very interesting life.

    All of you keep well and let us hear from you?

    • Adrian Storisteanu 17:56h, 27 June Reply

      Wonderful posting (and wonderful Lynn comic strip), thanks Gerald! I see we are both suckers for this kind of lovely schmaltz…

  • Suanne B Scherr 18:16h, 27 June Reply

    Welcome to Rabbinical School – Your final stop on the evolutionary chain.

    • shelley Dube 19:10h, 02 July Reply

      Funny!!! I will pass this along to my son, the Rabbi!!! (vs. the woman who adored her Rabbi so much she referred to him as “: My Rabbi, the sun!!”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 21:30h, 27 June Reply

    Give me the “lovely schmaltz” anytime. Oscar Hammerstein II, you know, was often criticized for the sentimentality in his lyrics. Consider this from one of the songs in the Rodgers and Hammerstein musical “Carousel”:

    Friend: I’m glad you gotta fella, Carrie! What’s he like?

    (Music)

    Carrie: His name is Mister Snow
    And an upstandin’ man is he
    He comes home ev’ry night in his round-bottomed boat
    With a net full of herring from the sea.

    An almost perfect beau
    As refined as a girl could wish
    But he spends so much time in his round-bottomed boat
    That he can’t seem to lose the smell of fish.

    The fust time he kissed me, the whiff from his clo’es
    Knocked me flat on the floor of the room;
    But now that I love him, my heart’s in my nose
    And fish is my fav’rite perfume …

    Anyway, it was more than good to hear from you. I trust all is well. Thanks.

  • peter.pick 22:44h, 27 June Reply

    Baruch Hashem! You have straighten out your act!

  • Marvin Sager 11:26h, 28 June Reply

    Think of that in this way, in the modern world you have those “MONKEYS OFF YOUR BACK!”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 20:28h, 28 June Reply

    Cartoon idea: Waiter approaching the table of a seated couple in an upscale restaurant:

    “Can I interest you in some disinfectant?”

    (Sorry, you can’t win ’em all.)

    • Adrian Storisteanu 10:04h, 29 June Reply

      Soap du jour?

  • Marvin Sager 12:57h, 29 June Reply

    Read “The Naked Ape” and view your ancestors UNCOVERED & REVEALED!

  • Aldrei Sia 03:51h, 30 June Reply

    “That’s how you became a man?”

  • Marvin Sager 11:10h, 01 July Reply

    “It’s not nice to fool Mother Nature.” Can you hide that ONE-EYED MONSTER?

  • Gerald Lebowitz 19:42h, 01 July Reply

    Breathes there a man with soul so dead who never to himself has said, “Damn it! Why didn’t I think of that when I had a chance to reply to so-and-so’s comments?”

    A beautiful chorus girl once held a door for Dorothy Parker with the words, “Age before beauty,” to which Dottie instantly replied, “Pearls before swine.” A perfect mot juste.

    Elizabeth Warren, on the other hand, was lobbed an easy ball by Donald Trump and struck out when she apologized for her claims of native American heritage instead of demolishing him after he derisively called her “Pocahontas.” She could have hit the ball out of the park by retorting, “I wish I were Pocahontas. Then I could scalp you and keep your ridiculous hair as a trophy.”

    Oh, well. We all often don’t think as fast as we need to, don’t we?

  • Gerald Lebowitz 17:59h, 02 July Reply

    Jim, Sorry I hadn’t answered your June 27th post before this. My excuse is that I somehow hadn’t seen it since I seldom backtrack, just looking at the current postings.. Thanks also for providing the source of my quote. I know Pema Chodron but never cared that much for her approach. By the way, I never see any of your comments as “dark.” They are written with great concern and warmth by someone who cares very much. You know, what we see is very much determined by our level of magnification. What might seem as a profusion of dots at one level can be enlarged to reveal a picture of someone’s head, for example.

    More thanks are due you also for your recommendation of the Hitchens-Wolpe debate on YouTube. It was fascinating to watch.

    By the way, in scrolling through this site, I came across another unnoticed gem by John Grosman on June 20: “Oy vey! My wife’s brothers all visiting at the same time!” Scrolling through this site is like gaining access to a marvelous candy store,

    Keep well. Your perceptions are grounded and humorous and sorely needed in this era of disequiibrium.

    • jim gorman 08:33h, 03 July Reply

      Thank you Gerald. I was worried after hitting send on that last comment. In it I had suggested several alternative “takes” on the protests. One was particularly offensive, and I was afraid it might be thought of as my own rather than that of a hypothetical third party. Your kind post was a relief, and going forward I will try to back away from political / social commentary (unless of course I think it is so funny I can’t resist).

  • shelley Dube 19:07h, 02 July Reply

    Finally, the tenth!!

  • Marvin Sager 20:11h, 02 July Reply

    Because of your umbilical connection to the past, you need a PUPIK tattoo, “WILDMAN.”

  • Marvin Beckerman 20:41h, 02 July Reply

    Welcome! We can really use all of you for our minyan!

  • Dale Stout 08:43h, 03 July Reply

    Evolution: the devil is in the detales.

    • Dale Stout 08:49h, 03 July Reply

      That should be “Evolution: the devil is in the details.”

      Details, details…or, if you think that’s d’tail just hang around.

  • Dale Stout 08:43h, 03 July Reply

    And the Darwin Award goes to…Darwin!

  • Dale Stout 08:46h, 03 July Reply

    It’s the tale of the tail.

  • Dale Stout 08:51h, 03 July Reply

    So zoo me.

  • Dale Stout 08:59h, 03 July Reply

    No Shirt, No Shabbat, no Service.

  • Dale Stout 09:01h, 03 July Reply

    You’d trade Yentl for a Yeti?

  • Dale Stout 09:04h, 03 July Reply

    We welcome you with open arms, but stay six feet away.

  • Dale Stout 09:38h, 03 July Reply

    Don’t tell me they brought the Three Faces of Eve?

  • Marvin Sager 10:23h, 03 July Reply

    An analogy of Apemen

    (Q) What do Apemen scream?
    (A) GrrrrrrrrAPES! (NOTE: The Apemen just love GRAPES!)
    +++
    (Q) What do you call a group of Apemen?
    (A) Apemen Strong (SMELL)!
    +++
    (Q) Where do Apemen sleep?
    (A) On APE-ri-COTS!

  • Gerald S Kirzner 11:56h, 03 July Reply

    Welcome!. My name is Tevya.
    EVOLUTION!! EVOLUTION!!

  • Gerald Lebowitz 17:21h, 03 July Reply

    For those with short memories, this is almost the same post as the one sent last year. (How time flies!)

    This Thursday, July 9th, we observe the Fast of the l7th of Tammuz which marks the beginning of the three-week mourning period for the destruction of Jerusalem and the Temples.

    On this day the only food permitted to be eaten is Tammuz’s English Muffins, thanks to a licensing agreement between the OU and Bimbo Bakeries USA, one of the largest baking companies in the U.S. and the manufacturer of Thomas’s English Muffins, which now owns all rights to the fast day.

  • Gerald Lebowitz 14:19h, 04 July Reply

    Jim,

    As you know, Lord Shiva in the Hindu tradition was a god with many arms. He was, on the one hand, feared as a negative force, and, on the other, seen as a symbol of wisdom, free from illusion. Although one of his hands holds a flame, the front right hand is held palm out to tell the devotee not to be afraid.

    That is how I see many of your posts. Underneath all, you have great warmth and compassion, and your concern shines through every creative gesture.

    Don’t change your approach, ever. Thanks.

  • Gerald Lebowitz 16:28h, 04 July Reply

    Here’s a point of view you might expect to find in a book about Zen. Surprisingly, it’s expressed by Alfred North Whitehead in, of all places, his “Introduction to Mathematics”:

    “It is a profoundly erroneous truism repeated by all copybooks, and by eminent people when they are making speeches, that we should cultivate the habit of thinking of what we are doing. The precise opposite is the case. Civilization advances by extending the number of operations which we can perform without thinking about them. Operations of thought are like cavalry charges in a battle–they are strictly limited in number, they require fresh horses, and must only be made at decisive moments.”

    In the same vein, remember the famous “The Centipede’s Dilemma”? Here’s the verse:

    A centipede was happy – quite —
    Until a toad in fun
    Said, “Pray, which leg comes after which?”
    Which threw her mind in such a pitch,
    She lay bewildered in the ditch
    Considering how to run.

  • Gerald Lebowitz 17:06h, 04 July Reply

    From the sublime to the ridiculous, here’s more on the poor centipede, this time by Jack Prelutsky, that very funny man who was the first U.S. Children’s Poet Laureate:

    “A centipede was thirsty,
    But to satisfy its need,
    It drank too much for it to hold,
    And so the centi pede.”

    • Dale Stout 07:16h, 05 July Reply

      ‘For a centipede, each journey begins with 100 steps.” :^)

  • Dale Stout 07:17h, 05 July Reply

    Finally, an upright man.

    • Marvin Sager 12:09h, 05 July Reply

      Dale,

      TESTOSTERONE (HIGH LEVEL) HAPPENS! 🙂

  • Gerald Lebowitz 09:30h, 05 July Reply

    Dale, that we hilarious ( “… . each journey begins with 100 steps”). Could you picture the centipede going to a podiatrist? I can hear the diagnosis: “You have a problem with the metatarsal bone in your 37th foot.”
    (tt would be some feat to treat the centipede.)

    • Dale Stout 20:55h, 05 July Reply

      Imagine footing that doctor’s bill :^)

  • Gerald Lebowitz 10:04h, 05 July Reply

    Dale, and why stop with the centipede seeing a podiatrist? I could picture one trying to be fitted in a shoe store, telling the bedraggled clerk, “They still feel tight on my 13th and 97th feet.” In any cartoon contest, wouldn’t that be a shoo-in for the award?

    (I can now hear you saying, “Enough already!)

    • Marvin Sager 14:18h, 05 July Reply

      Gerald,

      In the presents of its enemies, does a centipede without shoes feel “DE-FEETED?”

      • Marvin Sager 14:53h, 05 July Reply

        By the way, let me explain:

        In the presence of its enemies, perhaps it is a PRESENT to be seen & devoured.

    • Dale Stout 21:00h, 05 July Reply

      This poem is dedicated to Gerald and Marvin:

      There once was a centipede
      Engaged to a millipede
      They went for a walk
      To have a long talk
      And haven’t been seen all the day

      -poetry by Orkin

      • Marvin Sager 10:21h, 06 July Reply

        Dale,

        Thanks for the dedication:

        I always enjoy reminiscing about GOOD LOOKING (FEMALE) LEGS! 🙂

  • Gerald Lebowitz 19:27h, 05 July Reply

    Dear President Trump,

    Please forgive this attempt to give you advice, but I sense that lately you have been struggling with many issues. I know you dislike the slogan “Black Lives Matter.” You feel that it signifies lawlessness and rebellion. However, if you started to use “White Lives Matter,” it would get you into trouble (for example, reminding voters of white supremacy and the Ku Klux Klan!). So may I suggest a slogan or hashtag that best reflects the attitude that you’ve brought to the office you hold.

    I suggest the phrase “No Lives Matter.” If you used that, you wouldn’t offend anyone, and certainly no one would be able to call you a hypocrite since you’ve always opposed projects designed to combat global warming or to protect the environment.

    I’m sorry to have to send you this message, for I know that either you can’t or you don’t want to read. Perhaps your son-in-law Jared will be able to read this to you based on the Harvard education he received thanks to his father’s hefty contributions to that formidable Ivy League institution.

  • Gerald Lebowitz` 19:40h, 05 July Reply

    “When my toddler shouts requests from her bed that I can’t, won’t or don’t know how to fulfill, I tell her that ‘I will look into it,’ as if I’m acknowledging an email at work. More times than not she forgets the request and falls asleep.”

    —Hillary Hastings , Stamford, Connecticut

    Well, Hillary, you have just learned the trick that most politicians have played on us for years and years and years.

    If a politician like Chuck Schumer doesn’t really want to do something, for example, but yet wants to appear amenable and friendly, do you know what he says? “It’s a very, very good idea. I’m going to form a committee.”

    Yes, Hillary, politics is an art, not a science.

    One day your daughter may be president.

  • Joshua Looney 21:26h, 05 July Reply

    An ape, a neanderthal, and a gentile walk into a bar… stop me if you’ve heard this one…

  • Bernice Schimmel 03:04h, 06 July Reply

    What took you so long?

  • Gerald Lebowitz 09:49h, 06 July Reply

    Dale,

    Thanks for the poem. Mixed marriages often pose additional struggles and challenges. I hope that things work out for the pedes. (At least they share the same surname.)

  • Gerald Lebowitz 10:06h, 06 July Reply

    Dale, here’s one more take on your poem:

    The millipede and centipede
    Are lucky folks indeed.
    They’re wished much love and happiness
    That nothing can impede.

    • Dale Stout 09:29h, 07 July Reply

      That is quite lovely.

  • Marvin Sager 10:10h, 06 July Reply

    More information about the Apeman

    (Q) Why does the Apeman believe in VOODOO?
    (A) Because in this new world, he is on “PINS & NEEDLES!”
    +++
    (Q) What did the Apeman use to start his car when he learned how to drive?
    (A) His MONK-KEY!
    +++
    (Q) What did the Apeman call his future wife?
    (A) His PRIME-MATE!

  • Hank Kimmel 11:05h, 06 July Reply

    The Prodigal Son returns.

  • Gerald Lebowitz 14:05h, 06 July Reply

    Shortly before Martin Buber’s death, someone remarked to him that Freud was reported to have answered a question concerning the meaning of life by saying that it was work and love. Buber laughed and said that this was good but not complete. Buber’s answer? “Work, love, faith and humor.”

    Buber added, “The real philosopher has to have a sense of humor, an awareness of the comic, not only about the world we live in but also about himself … yes, without a sense of humor even a philosopher could not live in this world.”

    Isn’t that what we’re all trying to do on this site?

    Kudos to “Moment” for maintaining it.

  • Dale Stout 09:33h, 07 July Reply

    It’s time for your ape-endectomy.

  • Marvin Sager 11:08h, 07 July Reply

    “You are wanted as a Neanderthal look-alike for a new GEICO commercial.”

  • JEFF HAINES 18:33h, 07 July Reply

    “What took you so long?”

  • Neal Weinstein 20:17h, 07 July Reply

    Welcome! All G-d’s children have a place in the choir.

  • Gerald Lebowitz 21:14h, 07 July Reply

    JR and others, here’s a genuinely good piece of writing by a genuinely nice guy, David Seidemann. I think you’ll all enjoy reading it at this time:

    “I was born in Columbus, Ohio. So were five of my siblings. My parents lived there for almost 42 years. Some of the fondest memories of my entire life were formed in that city.

    “Quiet at times, bustling at other times — your typical Midwestern city with the right blend of small-town values and some big-town opportunities. As capital of the great state of Ohio, it is home to the famed Ohio State University and great research and science centers. The mere mention of the name of the city has always flooded my mind with warmth as I am transported to my youth.

    “All of that might soon change. Many expressions about changing the past have surfaced. One such petition or movement is to change the name of my birthplace, Columbus, Ohio, to another name.

    “My hometown, named after Christopher Columbus, needs to be changed, according to some, because Mr. Columbus held views or practiced actions that are offensive to many. I don’t deny that; I do not know enough about his life and the times in which he lived to evaluate his actions and views in the context of what was occurring at the time. I am committed to researching the matter and finding out for myself, and perhaps it will lead me to the same conclusion — that is, that Columbus’s behavior was offensive to the point that he does not deserve to have statues, monuments, pictures, and, yes, entire cities, named after him.

    “Columbus is not the only subject of intense scrutiny. Roosevelt, Washington, Jefferson, and many of the personalities who formed our country are having their legacy reviewed in an effort to ascertain whether mention of their name is appropriate, whether they deserve recognition for what they did to build this country.

    “Statues and memorials are being torn down nationwide in this period of intense social reckoning. Some are being defaced and removed by lawless methods, some through a more legitimate and deliberate process.

    “To be sure, the voices that want to see what is perceived as tributes to villains removed cannot be dismissed out of hand. Can you imagine how incensed we would be if a city carried the name Hitler or if a statue of Hitler adorned a public square?

    “So I get it, and it does not hurt to take a second look at some of our historical figures and review their actions. Were they proper? Should they be viewed objectively and by today’s standards, or should they be viewed in context of the times in which they lived?

    “Are there some behaviors that are so abhorrent, that cause such pain to those alive today, that the names of the perpetrators warrant erasure? Or are we going too far in this newfound analysis? Is it possible to display a portrait of a man who did good for our country while he also held some views that are disturbing to particular groups?

    “Where does it end? Theoretically, every small group of people could band together and find something hurtful or offensive to any other person, group, movement, societal norm, or law.

    “We could deteriorate into an entirely nameless and faceless society, as every social interest group could demand the erasure from our past, present, and future of every person, place, or thing that gives them angst. I am not defending those persons whose legacies are now being examined, nor am I belittling the pain of racism, discrimination, victimization, and abuse that segments of the population felt and still feel generations later.

    “”We might not want a city named after Hitler, but to erase him from history is to remove the opportunity to educate the masses about his atrocities. So there really are two issues here. Is erasure from our history the best option when dealing with a figure whose actions range from less-than-stellar to downright offensive, or is a complete description of their behavior and mindset a more appropriate way to shape our history and educate the next generation? Secondly, are special-interest groups that are intent on dismantling our country taking advantage of this time period to rewrite history in a narrative that paints benign behavior as criminal?

    “Today there might be many who want to ‘edit’ history. That’s O.K. It’s fine to add footnotes to the recorded history of Washington, Roosevelt, Jefferson, Lee, and even Columbus. But we cannot fall into the trap of rewriting history, of erasing history, of obliterating history at the hands of those whose intent in rewriting the past is to control the present and future of America.”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 17:18h, 08 July Reply

    “,,, if you’ve got to spend your happiness to get rich, I hope I’m always just a poor orphan kid …”

    —–From the Little Orphan Annie strip by Harold Gray in the Chicago Tribune in 1925

  • Gerald Lebowitz 12:37h, 10 July Reply

    “Many are called but few are chosen.”

    • Gerald Lebowitz 19:03h, 10 July Reply

      Maybe the intended humor is a little clearer this way:

      “Many are called but few are Chosen.”

  • Diane Statham 12:47h, 10 July Reply

    Time for your Bar Mitzvah. Soon you will really be a man.

  • jim gorman 13:12h, 10 July Reply

    I thought of another caption . . .
    “Go back! Nothing to see here.”

    • Marvin Sager 15:10h, 10 July Reply

      Jim,

      If he goes back, then you might say “He’s gone completely APE!” 🙂

  • Marvin Sager 16:13h, 10 July Reply

    “To make people take notice of you, your name will be Frank Enstein!”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 12:50h, 11 July Reply

    Too many of us needlessly make fun of President Trump, myself included. Often we don’t recognize what a wise and religious man he is, a deeply sensitive and merciful man intent on following God’s instructions in the Bible.

    For example, when his friend Roger Stone was given a 40-month prison term for obstruction, witness tampering, and lying to congress, our president was deeply disturbed, remembering the injunction of Jesus not to cast the first stone. In a dream, our president sought further guidance, and was told to consult his beloved books. When he opened the pages of his treasured classics, he read that in Greek mythology, the Delphic Oracle advised that to seek treasure or truth, the only way was to leave no stone unturned.

    He woke up refreshed and confident, clear-headed and definitely not stoned, knowing what to do, and so today he OVER – turned his friend’s conviction and ordered him released.

    Now you have the truth, and it can set you free. You can use it to refute any argument that our president is corrupt or illiterate or uncaring or under the influence of anything other than the hydroxychloroquine he took as a merciful test to prove its efficacy against the dreaded coronavirus, an inspiration of selflessness to us all!

  • morty kamenitz 16:18h, 11 July Reply

    aha finally a mench

  • Gerald Lebowitz 10:24h, 12 July Reply

    “Congratulations! You’re the valedictorian.”

    • jim gorman 11:38h, 12 July Reply

      That’s a great caption! It is generally agreed that language is the single most important discriminator in separating man from his lesser apes cousins. You nailed it with this one.

      • jim gorman 11:45h, 12 July Reply

        should be “ape cousins”. Regardless, as someone with an undergraduate degree in Anthropology this just might be the best caption . . . ever.

      • Gerald Lebowitz 15:07h, 12 July Reply

        Thanks! Your compliment will forever serve as my diploma.

        (Of course everything, I guess, is a matter of degree.)

  • Marvin Sager 12:15h, 12 July Reply

    “You can beat your cousins in aptitude, but just don’t beat your chest in celebration!”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 22:35h, 12 July Reply

    This contribution is from the wonderful science writer Barbara Ehrenreich, who, incidentally, has a PhD in cellular immunology:

    “Apple cofounder Steve Jobs’s 2011 death from pancreatic cancer continues to spark debate. He was a food faddist, specifically a consumer only of raw vegan foods, especially fruit, refusing to deviate from that plan even when doctors recommended a diet high in protein and fat to help compensate for his failing pancreas. His office refrigerator was filled with Odwalla juices; he antagonized nonvegan associates by attempting to proselytize among them, as biographer Walter Isaacson has reported:

    “‘At a meal with Mitch Kapor, the chairman of Lotus software, Jobs was horrified to see Kapor slathering butter on his bread, and asked, ‘Have you ever heard of serum cholesterol?’ Kapor responded, ‘I’ll make you a deal. You stay away from commenting on my dietary habits, and I will stay away from the subject of your personality.’

    “Ironically,” Dr. Ehrenreich adds, “the sixty-seven year old Mitch Kapor is alive and well at the time of this writing.”

  • Marvin Sager 09:16h, 13 July Reply

    Whatever you do, just don’t “SWING YOUR BIG CLUB & KNOCK ‘EM UP!”

  • Dale Stout 22:25h, 13 July Reply

    The Scopes Trial proves that everyone needs Scope.

  • Dale Stout 22:25h, 13 July Reply

    Kick those guys kibbutz.

  • Dale Stout 22:26h, 13 July Reply

    This man is mine, G-d gave this man to me.

  • Dale Stout 22:27h, 13 July Reply

    That was a close shave, Harry.

  • Dale Stout 22:27h, 13 July Reply

    Give me a Bronx Cheer!

  • Dale Stout 08:48h, 14 July Reply

    You should see my man cave.

  • Dale Stout 08:50h, 14 July Reply

    Adam, can you take some ribbing?

  • Dale Stout 08:52h, 14 July Reply

    I’m opening an insurance place called Guy Co.

  • Dale Stout 09:02h, 14 July Reply

    You seem like the Progressive type.

  • Marvin Sager 09:25h, 14 July Reply

    Organization Proposal: THE NATIONAL WILDLIFE FEDERATION

    Chairman: Gerald Lebowitz (Because he sets the Gold Standard for HUMANE TREATMENT of less fortunate individuals. Besides, his shul has special treatment for ALTERKAKER GOLDbacks.)
    +++
    Equipment Leader: Dale Stout (Because he is such a “CAGEY PERSON.” Which means he is wary of being trapped or deceived by devious creatures.)
    +++
    Weather Director: Adrian Storisteanu (Because it is very cold where he lives, and we need his music to warm our souls. In case of a blizzard, he knows how to defrost his PIPE ORGAN which he likes to play with on occasion.)
    +++
    Contribution Advisor: Jim Gorman (Because he has the talent to talk you out of your money, or own your bank with all your secret bank account codes.)
    +++
    Sanitation Director: Marvin Sager (Because he is used to all the SH*TTY JOBS.)
    +++
    Other Positions: (For those of you who feel left out, then please submit your name and qualifications for whatever animalistic jobs you desire.)

  • Gerald Lebowitz 11:07h, 14 July Reply

    Dale,

    I scratched my brain for the very worst puns I could think of, knowing all the while that you could easily top all of them. Here they are, in no particular order:

    1) Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
    2) A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
    3) A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
    4) Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
    5) When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.
    6) What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway.)
    7) The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
    8) He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
    9) Once you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.
    10) Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

    Best, as always.

  • Gerald Lebowitz 11:27h, 14 July Reply

    Dale,

    Forgive me. I didn’t mean the very worst puns in the above post. I meant the most outrageous, which you could surely beat. (There’d be no real accomplishment in simply surpassing the worst.)

    • Dale Stout 15:56h, 14 July Reply

      Hot dog – those were the best of the wurst! :^)

      • Marvin Sager 11:19h, 15 July Reply

        Dale,

        You didn’t RELISH the BUNkum! 🙂

  • Gerald Lebowitz 11:12h, 15 July Reply

    Dale, is that your beef? I’m glad at least that you’re being frank about it.

    • Marvin Sager 11:31h, 15 July Reply

      Gerald,

      Just don’t get WRAPPED UP with PIGS-IN-A-BLANKET! 🙂

  • Gerald Lebowitz 11:45h, 15 July Reply

    “I’ve been waiting for you. G-d said you’d be along in a minute. I just didn’t realize that a minute to Him is a million years.”

  • Marvin Sager 12:18h, 15 July Reply

    To help you remember your past, we’re having a wild brunch with “BUSH MEAT!”
    (BON APE-TITE!)

  • Dan Weintraub 12:59h, 15 July Reply

    Today you’re a man. Mazel tov!

  • Shulamit Reinharz 15:57h, 15 July Reply

    Welcome. Now we only need 5 more to make a minyan!

  • Gerald Lebowitz 16:23h, 15 July Reply

    “I hope you’re not all waiting in line to get into the Motor Vehicle Bureau.”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 23:25h, 15 July Reply

    “My friends and I are members of a nudist colony looking for an unspoiled area where we can rest for a while before our vacations end and we have to get back to work.”

  • Marvin Sager 08:06h, 16 July Reply

    “Just follow the YELLOW BRICK ROAD. Either you will find Oz, or you will slip & slide on monkey banana peels!”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 10:28h, 16 July Reply

    “I’m here for bar mitzvah instruction; my friends are looking to volunteer to help on President Trump’s reelection campaign.”

  • Marvin Sager 16:57h, 16 July Reply

    “By the way, who wears the pants in your family?”

  • Jeff Hartzheim 11:14h, 17 July Reply

    The evolution of Manischewitz.

  • robert Stern 15:04h, 17 July Reply

    “Since restrictions have been relaxed by the rabbinate potential new converts are welcomed.”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 23:19h, 18 July Reply

    “My prerecorded voice message says, ‘Thank you for calling. All of our family members are busy helping other telemarketers'”

    —–Marisa Elston

  • Marvin Sager 09:18h, 19 July Reply

    Because you delved into psychedelic mushroom drugs, does that mean you are from the “STONED AGE?”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 14:51h, 19 July Reply

    Jim, I’ve been meaning to write for some time related to your background in anthropology. Have you ever studied some of the work of Gregory Bateson, especially his studies on the double bind? It is difficult to classify him. He was involved in cybernetics as well as in the social and behavioral sciences. He was at one time married to Margaret Mead. Anyway, just a thought. Thanks as always for your always interesting comments.

    • jim gorman 16:12h, 09 August Reply

      Gerald, I’ve posted this way back here on the off chance you might take a look before this contest closes, and because this back-and-forth private conversation is a hijack of sorts. My degree in anthropology was a first love. But raising a family and other responsibilities precluded perusing the advanced degree mandatory for most career paths in that field. I’ve spent the better part of the last 50 years as an aerospace engineer with no regrets. Now as to Gregory Bateson. I have heard the name years ago and Margret Mead was the No. 1 most quoted anthropologist in the day. In the 70s my prof’s mandatory lateral off topic reading was more along the line of Carlos Castaneda. But thank you for bringing him up. I spent the better part of an afternoon, pouring over various referencing. With all the time on my hands lately he is someone I would like to better know.

  • Gerald Lebowitz 14:35h, 21 July Reply

    Hasidic tales and Zen stories are very much alike. Here’s a hasidic tale from Martin Buber:

    A hasid in Lublin intended to fast from one sabbath to the next. The week passed uneventfully, but on late Friday afternoon he began to suffer such cruel thirst that he thought he would die.

    He saw a well, went up to it, and prepared to drink. But instantly he realized that because of the one brief hour he still had to endure, he was about to destroy the work of the entire week. He therefore did not drink and walked away from the well.

    Then he was touched by a feeling of great satisfaction and pride for having passed this difficult test. When he became aware of this, he said to himself, “Better I go and drink than let my heart fall prey to the terrible sin of pride.”

    He then went back to the well. But just as he was about to bend down to draw water, he noticed that his thirst had disappeared.

    When the sabbath began, he finally entered his teacher’s house.

    “Patchwork!” the rabbi yelled at him with a dismissive wave of his hand.

  • Gerald Lebowitz 15:20h, 21 July Reply

    All right, now I suppose I have to tell a Zen story:

    Two monks were hiking in a small valley when they came to a river. Facing the river was a beautiful woman.

    “Oh,” she cried. “I have to cross this water, but I am very afraid. Can one of you help me?”

    The younger monk easily lifted her in his arms and forded the river, depositing the grateful woman on the other side.

    The monks resumed their walk. After two miles, the older monk couldn’t contain himself anymore.

    “That was a wrong thing you did, brother, lifting that woman the way that you did.”

    “Oh,” said the younger monk. “It is true that I held her. But I deposited her down on the other side of that river.

    “You’ve been carrying her around ever since.”

  • Marvin Sager 16:14h, 21 July Reply

    “You can’t just wear your birthday suit to your birthday party. You need your mask!”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 17:48h, 21 July Reply

    “Rabbi, I brought back with me members of the famous rock group “The Missing Links.” I met them all on Linkedin. You’ll be blown away by their rendition of “Adon Olam.”

  • Dale Stout 06:49h, 23 July Reply

    We’re a fringe group but it has its fringe benefits.

  • Dale Stout 06:50h, 23 July Reply

    If you want a missing link, ask Jimmy Dean.

  • Dale Stout 06:55h, 23 July Reply

    Naked you enter but oy what an exit.

  • Marvin Sager 07:46h, 23 July Reply

    “With you in mind, we have banana splits, banana daiquiris, and banana TV commercials about Peyronie’s disease.”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 20:38h, 23 July Reply

    Catching Up on the News

    Kanye West for president?
    At first this seems absurd,
    For when one tries to pin him down,
    His words are never heard.

    One moment Kanye’s manic,
    The next time he’s depressed.
    His mind is always racing,
    It’s never caught at rest.

    His ideas are so strange that
    They’re very hard to follow,
    And even when one makes them out,
    They’re very hard to swallow.

    But wait, this sounds familiar:
    The leader we have now
    Is just as close to Kanye West
    As nature will allow.

    He’s prone to boasts and tantrums,
    He likes to yell and shout.
    Would Kanye be as hard to take?
    The jury is still out.

  • Marvin Sager 09:55h, 24 July Reply

    When asked, “Would you like to meet a vegan female friend of mine?” He answered, “I don’t think I ever met HERBIVORE!”

  • Steve Meckler 07:16h, 25 July Reply

    Finally, we have a minion.

  • Gerald Lebowitz 08:30h, 25 July Reply

    Final Argument

    Regarding who would make a better president, Kanye West or Donald Trump, I say, “Oh,
    who would be a more attractive secretary of state, Kim Kardashian or Mike Pompeo?”

  • Lori Spitzer Corley 17:20h, 25 July Reply

    “My son, today you are a hu-man! Mazel TOv!”

  • Marvin Sager 19:50h, 25 July Reply

    BIGFOOT techniques you might appreciate are the ones used in “RUMBLE IN THE JUNGLE” & “ROPE-A-DOPE.”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 18:29h, 26 July Reply

    From James Agee:

    “The finest pantomime, the deepest emotion, the richest and most poignant poetry were in Charlie Chaplin’s work. At the end of ‘City Lights,’ the blind girl who has regained her sight thanks to the Tramp, sees him for the first time. She has imagined and anticipated him as princely, to say the least. She recognizes who he must be by his shy, shining joy as he comes silently toward her. And he recognizes himself through the terrible changes in her face. The camera exchanges a few quiet closeups of the emotions which shift and intensify in each face. It is enough to shrivel the heart to see, and it is the greatest piece of acting and the highest moment in movies.”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 18:34h, 26 July Reply

    “Wonderful! But you should be marching at least six-feet apart.”

  • Marvin Sager 19:27h, 26 July Reply

    “Life is like an empty box of chocolates” in the wilderness. After a period of time, you become a FORREST GRUMPY!

  • Stephen Nadler 23:43h, 26 July Reply

    “Look who skipped the diaspora!”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 21:28h, 27 July Reply

    Melvin was a man who had complete faith in the power of numbers.

    He was born on 5/5/65 and was nearing his 55th birthday. He had five children and had lived in Apartment 5 at 555 East 55th Street for the past five years. He earned $55,500 as an employee at a Fifth Avenue department store.

    On the day of his 55th birthday, he decided to celebrate by going to the track. On studying the field, he was astonished to find that a horse named Numero Cinco would be running in the fifth race that afternoon.

    Five minutes before the race began, he went to the fifth window and put down five thousand dollars in five-dollar bills on Number Five.

    Melvin’s faith in numbers was amply justified. But he wasn’t too happy with the outcome.

    His horse finished fifth.

  • Jackson Trichell 02:18h, 28 July Reply

    “How did you come to be so lazy grandpa?”

  • Marvin Sager 11:17h, 28 July Reply

    You overcame many BEASTLY obstacles to be here. To stay here, you now must overcome the 2020 COVID-19 BEAST!

  • Gerald Lebowitz 12:20h, 29 July Reply

    Okay, what is the longest word in the English language? Let’s bring out a few of the usual suspects:

    1) pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis, a lung disease,
    2) antidisestablishmentarianism,
    3) or that old standby from “Mary Poppins,” supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.

    But the real answer was improbably discovered by, of all people, Red Skelton, better known as a clown rather than as a comedian from the late 1930s to the early 1970s.

    He said that the longest word in the English language is routinely uttered on television and radio by the announcer who says, “And now a word from our sponsor … ”

    And we know how long that “word” can be. 🙂

    Best to all.

    (It took me three words to say that.)

    • Dale Stout 16:24h, 29 July Reply

      Red was a favorite- as well as Ernie Kovacs and many more.

  • Dale Stout 16:22h, 29 July Reply

    Hungry? There’s menudo, matzah balls or grape nuts.

  • Marvin Sager 18:04h, 29 July Reply

    “Your genealogy report from your caveman days can be googled under ROGUES’ GALLERY!”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 20:03h, 29 July Reply

    Dale, thanks for the comment. Here’s one for you from the past—-a classic Jackie Mason bit:

    “You don’t know one Jew anywhere who can do anything with his hands. It’s because of this simple fact: that Jews were raised never to do anything with their hands and to this day they can’t do nothing. That’s right—if a Jewish car breaks down, it’s all over. There’s nothing they can do.

    “Watch a gentile car break down. Did you ever see the difference? If a gentile car breaks down, in two seconds he’s under the car, on top of the car—it becomes an airplane and he flies away.

    “A Jewish car breaks down and you always hear the same things: ‘It stopped.’

    “And the wife always says, ‘It’s your fault.’

    “And the husband says, ‘I know what it is. It’s in the hood.’

    “She says, ‘Where’s the hood?’
    “He says, ‘I don’t remember.’

    “Takes a Jew three hours to open a hood and when he finally opens it up: ‘Wow! Is it busy here!’
    Then he makes a move and she says, ‘Watch out, you’ll hurt yourself!’

    If you doubt the truth of this, go to any gentile home and you’ll see the truth of it. A gentile home is a completely different environment than a Jewish home. A gentile home is a workshop and a Jewish home is a museum. Go in any gentile home, they hit you with hammers, nails, screwdrivers, banging…. The whole house is a workshop. They take you right to the basement. They’re fixing and banging and clanging. They fix everything. They build it, rebuild it. The toilet was once a chair. The living room was once a kitchen. The ping-pong table was once a furnace. The second floor was once a chimney. The whole wall was once in Philadelphia.”

    Dale, you were born at the wrong time. In another era you would’ve been earning a fortune as a comedy writer and/or performer.

    But it’s our gain that you’re here with us right now.

    • Dale Stout 10:19h, 30 July Reply

      Gerald, thanks for the comedy comment but I don’t think I could Hackett :^)

  • Gerald Lebowitz 20:13h, 29 July Reply

    “My mother is Jewish, my father is Catholic. I was brought up Catholic, but with a Jewish mind. When I went to confession, I always brought my lawyer with me.”

    —Bill Maher

  • Gerald Lebowitz 22:02h, 29 July Reply

    If I ever wrote a memoir, I’d title it “This Reminds Me,” for one thing always reminds me of another. There’s a pretty bad joke about that, which, to maintain some semblance of good taste, I won’t repeat, but I can tell one more that these posts on humor do remind me of. Dale, see what you started?

    “It’s been a rough year for the Katz family. My aunt passed away two weeks ago. She was cremated. We think that’s what did it.”

    —–Jonathan Katz

  • Marvin Sager 11:31h, 30 July Reply

    “You should include prunes in your diet. It’s good for constipation, but watch out for those PIT STOPS!”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 13:38h, 31 July Reply

    I once posted, quasi-humorously, that most people possessing the surnames of jewels or precious metals (e.g. gold, silver, ruby, diamond) are Jewish. Well, Danny Fingeroth, a teacher of writing and a scholar in many areas, has this to say:

    “Classic James Bond villain Auric Goldfinger—-‘He loves only gold,’ as Shirley Bassey sang of him in the theme song to ‘Goldfinger’—-had a typically Jewish name but was established in the ‘Goldfinger’ novel as being definitely NOT Jewish. In the film, however, the issue was not addressed. The Goldfinger character was, however, said to be a dig at a Jewish neighbor with that surname whom Fleming heartedly disliked.”

    Note to Dale: A classic Buddy Hackett story coming up next when I’ll have time to post it.

  • Dale Stout 17:04h, 31 July Reply

    Gerald-I’m looking forward to the Buddy Hackett story. He was great in movies, too.

    Speaking of Shirley Bassey, she gets my vote for strongest female vocals of all times. Her male counterpart would be Tom Jones. They both hail from Wales, therefore, they really know how to wail – according to Dale :^)

    • Gerald Lebowitz 22:11h, 31 July Reply

      Yes, Shirley Bassey hails from Wales,
      As well as charismatic males
      Like Tom Jones and, I’m almost certain,
      Shakespearean actor Richard Burton
      Whose affair with Elizabeth Taylor
      Made her curse and swear like a sailor
      Both behind and in front of the curtain.

  • Marvin Sager 18:07h, 31 July Reply

    “Shake your WILDMAN booty, you are such a PARTY ANIMAL!”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 20:39h, 31 July Reply

    Buddy Hackett at the Sands Hotel in Las Vegas, for Dale with thanks:

    “You’re a good crowd. And I’ve got a good true story for you about a guy I once knew. His name was Alvin Schwartz, and he was a shipping clerk for an auto parts manufacturer.

    “One Tuesday afternoon the boss announced to all the employees that he was leaving early. The workers were sure that he was going to play golf and wouldn’t be back, so they all decided to go home.

    “But when Alvin Schwartz got home, to his big surprise he found the boss in bed with his wife. He quietly left the house and spent the rest of the afternoon seeing a movie.

    “The next Tuesday the boss again announced that he was leaving early. This time, too, all the employees started leaving early too—all except Alvin.

    “‘What’s the matter, Al?’ someone asked. ‘You can leave, too. The boss won’t be coming back.’

    “‘I know,’ Al Schwartz replied.

    “‘But last week I left early and–would you believe it?–I almost got caught!'”

    • Dale Stout 20:21h, 02 August Reply

      Thank you, Gerald. Buddy was great with Miss Direction and Indiscretion!

  • Mark Plotnick 23:24h, 31 July Reply

    Welcome to the Tribe, but I don’t think I’m qualified to perform a circumcision on your three friends.”

    • Gerald Lebowitz 18:50h, 03 August Reply

      Mark, if you did do the job, you could negotiate for a cut of the proceeds.

  • Mark Plotnick 23:25h, 31 July Reply

    “Sure I believe in miracles, but you expect me to believe that all this happened while wandering 40 years in the desert?”

  • Marvin Sager 10:23h, 02 August Reply

    Scope out your malodorous “image” by flushing out your mouth with SCOPE!

    • Marvin Sager 11:28h, 02 August Reply

      Dale,

      Since you used SCOPE in your July 13th entry, “…where everyone needs Scope,” I decided I needed Scope also for my cartoon caption entry. THANKS! 🙂

      • Dale Stout 20:23h, 02 August Reply

        Marvin, that’s great. If we keep using Scope we’ll all become a class ACT!

  • Marvin Sager 17:16h, 03 August Reply

    “Practicing Yiddish ventriloquism with a ROOSTER puppet is a COCKamamie idea!”
    (NOTE: There are better dummies out there to use.)

  • Gerald Lebowitz 18:38h, 03 August Reply

    One of the most important figures in the history of the Catholic church was Saint Augustine. One day he was asked the question, “What is time?” and answered, “If no one asks me, I know what it is. But if I wish to explain it to him who asks, I do not know.”

    Well, if that answer was good enough for a theological giant like Saint Augustine, then it is good enough for me. If I were asked what Jewish humor is, I would have to show rather than to explain. And there’d be no better guide than Leo Rosten, author of “The Joys of Yiddish.”

    1) Scene: Cohen’s Frame Store:

    “I want a frame,” says Mrs. Kaplan, “for a $100,000 picture.”

    Mr. Cohen gasps. “One hundred thousand? Lady, I never before had an order like that. Where is this picture?”

    “Here,” she says.

    And she then hands Cohen her son’s college diploma.

    2) Scene: A deli on the Lower East Side of Manhattan

    Mrs. Shapiro: “This salmon—is it from a can?”

    Waiter: “What can? This salmon comes from Nova Scotia.”

    Mrs. Shapiro (hesitating): “Then tell me something:

    Was it imported or deported?”

    If anybody has any further questions about Jewish humor—-don’t ask!

  • Marvin Sager 09:42h, 05 August Reply

    “It’s time to be COUNTed for the Census even though you are not a COUNT!”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 17:50h, 09 August Reply

    News item: “In 2019, White House aides reached out to the governor of South Dakota to ask about carving the face of Donald Trump on Mt. Rushmore.”

    Was it a question
    Or just a suggestion?
    I’d prefer this to his being cloned.
    Instead of a mock star,
    He’d be a true rock star
    And have reason to sound like he’s stoned.

  • Gerald Lebowitz 21:33h, 09 August Reply

    A psychologist at United Airlines was giving one of its pilots his annual check up.

    “When was the last time you slept with a woman, Captain?”

    “1959.”

    “That long ago?”

    “Why is that such a big deal, doctor?” the annoyed pilot retorted. “It’s only 23:15 right now.”

    **********************

    A man rushed into the office of his partner. “We’re ruined! We’re ruined!”

    “Calm down,” the partner said. “What happened?”

    “We just received big boxes of returned merchandise. Black bras. Three hundred fifty dozen brassieres! What can we possibly do, for God’s sake?”

    “What we can do,” the partner replied calmly, “is to cut off all the straps and sell them as yarmulkes.”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 23:21h, 11 August Reply

    From the Bible: “Be not forgetful to entertain strangers; for thereby some have entertained angels unawares.”

    What brought this on? In looking back at years of submissions to the cartoon contest, it has often struck me that we have gotten submissions from many people famous both in and out of their fields who have come to us at first attracted to the wonderful magazine that gives us a home and then probably gravitating to the contest as a sort of pit stop, submitting wonderful captions and then disappearing to go back to their successful areas of expertise , usually not to return. I often blink in amazement when I see their names and contributions and wonder whether anybody else sees just who is contributing.to a contest very far removed from their own fields.

    If I could leave one message to these “angels,” it would be: Stay a while; sometimes going out of your turf gives you new energy and perspective. And it would be nice for some of us to be carried aloft by the whirring of your wings.

  • Gerald Lebowitz 13:29h, 13 August Reply

    “In 1977 Chuck Ross, a struggling, very frustrated writer, decided to try an experiment. He typed up a fresh manuscript copy of Jerzy Kosinski’s acclaimed novel “Steps,” changed the title, and submitted the work under his byline to fourteen publishers. All fourteen rejected the novel that had won the National Book Award in 1969 for best work of fiction. Among the publishers turning down the manuscript was Random House, the book’s original publisher.”

    —M. Hirsh Goldberg

    Now I bet some of you are saying that this should not be too surprising, that literary tastes can markedly change over a period of eight years. But there is also what in psychology is called the Halo Effect, making evaluations based on prior success or attractiveness. Or perhaps better expressed in the gospel of Matthew: “For whoever has, more will be given to him, and he will have more than enough. But whoever does not have, even what he has will be taken away from him.”

    Perhaps the most humane approach might be the one expressed by, of all people, Karl Marx: “From each according to his ability, to each according to his needs.”

    Just some thoughts before the curtain of the current contest is finally lowered.

  • Rich Wolf 15:37h, 17 August Reply

    “Don’t worry, we’ll have you knuckle draggin’ again in no time.”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 13:31h, 21 August Reply

    Watching the proceedings of the Democratic National Convention was like watching pure theater, polished and glittering, each speaker and video working to advance the plot—in this case the election of Joe Biden and Kamala Harris.

    Pursuing the analogy of politics and theater, there must be consistency in any unfolding drama. For instance, if one is seeing a comedy with clowns doing pratfalls and then one of the clowns is hit in the face with a pie and clutches his chest and calls for a doctor, the audience becomes very uneasy, wondering whether it has been tricked or whether the health scare is real. That is why when Joe Biden was pictured as “an honest man,” no mention could be made of his son Hunter being hired by a Ukrainian gas company to be on its board of directors at a big salary. If he was to be seen as “a concerned, caring man,” no mention could be made of the big part he played in the tragic Iraq War–which, by the way, he, as well as Hillary Clinton, voted for: As chairman of the prestigious Senate Judiciary Committee, he was instrumental in casting aside Anita Hill’s testimony against Clarence Thomas, assuring Thomas’s elevation to the Supreme Court, where Thomas was instrumental in thwarting Al Gore in the infamous Florida recount and elevating George W. Bush to the presidency.

    Pursuing the analogy of political drama and theater, however, one comes to a more chilling thought: At the end of every play, the actors retire to the green room, where they take off their masks and, heroes and villains, congratulate each other on their performances. Beneath all the apparent clashes, is it possible that all the contenders are really on the same team tp perpetuate the existing corruption in government? (Why else would Kamala Harris tear into Biden during the Democratic debates and then embrace him so fervently at the convention?)

    That’s why it was so important to sideline Bernie Sanders, the one person who might have spoiled the scenario of business as usual. Joe Biden, after all, is known as the great mediator, the one who brings people together, the one who will maintain the status quo.

    It was good, though, to enjoy the drama, to meet Joe Biden’s kids and grandkids, to hear his wife’s heartfelt endorsement.

    It was good as long as one didn’t attempt to tentatively try to part the curtain and look inside.

  • Gerald Lebowitz 15:41h, 21 August Reply

    Doesn’t the above scene, in a way, remind one of:

    “Tweedledum and Tweedledee
    Agreed to have a battle;
    For Tweedledum, said Tweedledee,
    Had spoiled his nice new rattle.
    Just then flew down a monstrous crow,
    As black as a tar-barrel,
    Which frightened both the heroes so,
    They quite forgot their quarrel.”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 16:31h, 22 August Reply

    “Adulthood is the ability to be totally bored and remain standing.”

    ———Jerry Seinfeld from his new book “Is This Anything?”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 22:47h, 22 August Reply

    A Very Old Chinese Poem:

    “In the spring scenery
    there is nothing superior,
    nothing inferior;
    flowering branches grow of themselves,
    some short, some long;
    the morning glory blooms for an hour
    and yet is no different from a giant pine
    that lives for a thousand years.”

  • Julia Dweck 08:30h, 25 August Reply

    Thumbs up if you’re here for the Cohen Bar Mitzvah. Oops. Sorry, Bob.

    • Marvin Sager 11:32h, 25 August Reply

      Now I am discomBOBulated! 🙂

    • Gerald Lebowitz 13:15h, 30 August Reply

      Forgive me, I don’t want to blow your cover, but are you the Julia Dweck whose work has given pleasure to so many? Your deep respect and love for the young people you write for shines brightly in everything you do. Your voice is especially needed today.

      Thank you. Come again.

  • Gerald Lebowitz 16:00h, 25 August Reply

    I couldn’t possibly have made the following up. It’s OSTENSIBLY Katie Couric interviewing Donald Trump.

    Trump: I read a lot.
    KC: Okay Mr. President. But what do you read?

    Trump: I read the newspapers.

    KC: Which newspapers?

    Trump: I read some of ‘em. All of ‘em.

    KC: So what do you like best when you read the newspapers?

    Trump: The funny section, the comics. Lots of good comics and cartoons in there. Not as much as when I was growing up. Reading about Bugs Bunny and the Road Runner and all of those heroes. Wile E. Coyote was really scary. Almost caught the rabbit, coupla times. And that guy, what’s his name, was really scary too. I can’t remember his name exactly, but we’ll look into it strongly and get back to you.

    KC: Do you mean Elmer Fudd?

    Trump: Yes! Yes! That’s it! You’re so smart, Katie, why don’t you come work for me, instead of being another Fake News person? C’mon Katie, I could use a girl like you.

    KC: Like you’ve used other girls before me? Never mind that, Mr. President. I’m happy where I am. Tell us more about this Elmer Fudd fellow.

    Trump: And let’s not forget about Daffy Duck. Daffy Duck was very important back in the day. I read a lot about him. Real character. Real American. Good values. Bit of a lisp, but we all slur a little now and then.

    KC: Thank you, Mr. President.

    • Gerald Lebowitz 19:51h, 25 August Reply

      I must wholeheartedly agree with President Trump for a change and marvel at the words of wisdom expressed in his Katie Couric interview. Does anybody remember Hearst’s New York Journal American, a huge paper, not puny like today’s tabloids? You spread that super-big colored Sunday comics section on the living room floor and salivated over the adventures of Jungle Jim, Flash Gordon, Prince Valiant, Bringing Up Father, and the Katzenjammer Kids, among many others. It was like opening up a whole world, unlike most of today’s pale versions. And Mr. President, I’m happy to see that you show the same discernment in your choice of cartoons. As a matter of fact, I think that you strongly resemble one of your heroes, Wile E. Coyote. Remember, Mr. President? He’s the one who keeps running long after he’s left the edge of the cliff, oblivious to the abyss below. Just like what you’re doing in increasing the size of the national debt to unsustainable levels.

      See you in the funny papers!

  • Gerald Lebowitz 15:16h, 28 August Reply

    “Shalom. You look just like Jared Kushner. Did President Trump send you?”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 12:13h, 18 September Reply

    OK, so the new contest hasn’t started yet. That means nobody will be reading this, and it’ll be safe for me now to go out on a limb.

    Trump has slowly been closing the gap between himself and Biden. I still predict Trump will win. He has all the power of the presidency behind him, including the power to get the Federal Reserve to boost the stock market and for himself to provide new financial assistance for most citizens.

    The most important thing in his favor, however, is the strategy that’s been set up for him. This country is very unstabilized now, with flooding in the Gulf Coast states, fires in the West, and the coronavirus and protests almost everywhere. Biden is too weak a candidate, and when he starts debating Trump (a mistake) it’ll be like being in the lion’s den, with Trump circling him, as he did Hillary in 2016, and forcefully stressing the need for law and order. The DNC made another big mistake (the other was in pushing Hillary Clinton in 2016) in making all the other contenders line up behind Biden. More than anything else, this country needs a message of stability, and Joe Biden certainly doesn’t project an image comforting enough at this time for most voters.

    If I’m wrong, most of you will not have read this anyway. 🙂

  • Gerald Lebowitz 11:33h, 19 September Reply

    P.S. Trump is busily trumpeting himself (pardon the pun) as the law ad order candidate, claiming success everywhere but in cities run by Democrats, reminding me of the California hippies in the late sixties (Jim, you must remember this) who railed vigorously against “lawn order,” referring to the upper classes with mansions and manicured lawns but with no concept of the struggles of the hipster subculture to go beyond the surface of society to touch reality.

    • jim gorman 14:51h, 24 September Reply

      We have a sayin here in California. “If you remember the 60s, you weren’t there” That said, I don’t specifically remember “Lawn Order”, but then “Order” was not a word we had much use for back in the day. I suppose I wasn’t much of a hippy though, having suffered from hipster interruptus, having been drafted in 1969. I spent the next two years overseas where I learned the meaning of the word “order”.
      Speaking of order, what happened to this issue’s cartoon?

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