Congrats, Gerald! And a Happy New Year of captions and humour!

Congratulations to you, Adrian! Your captions could never be the target of captious comments. You play your hand coolly on the chessboard of life and art, and it’s a privilege to count you as a colleague! Thanks.

“I don’t suppose you’re interested in attending the winter swim of the local polar bear club?”

“I’m still chilling out after an exhaustive ten-day tour of the Negev.”

“I got mugged this morning, but luckily they didn’t take my drink.”

Congratulations, Gerald, I was pulling for you!

Happy Nude Year!

Bloomberg never banned the Big Gulp.

Congratulations, Gerald! You too, Adrian! Now let’s get this new party started!

I’m bringing you the Local on the 8s.

It’s my Nude Year’s Resolution.

“I believed all that hype about global warming.”

Dale, thanks for your good words. Coming from you, they mean a lot.

Best wishes to you and yours for a really good year.

“Al Gore told me these were the only clothes I’d ever need.”

Hi, I’m from the Neighborhood Watch.

Humor can come from any direction, and quite surprisingly. Here’s a news item from, of all places, the New York Post. It seems that “a woman aggressively yanked Pope Francis by the arm in St. Peter’s Square on Tuesday, forcing the visibly testy pope to wrench his arm away from her clutches and slap at her hand twice to break free.”

What was that command from Jesus in the Sermon on the Mount? I guess that quite literally dealt with turning the other cheek, not any other part of the anatomy.

Anyway, I did find a new pun, almost worthy of Dale, from the article.

What do you call a disagreement with the Pope?

Answer: A pon-tiff.

Yes, I have skin in the game.

Fuck Trump!

Bet my nipples are perkier than yours….

“What? You’ve never heard of ‘shrinkage’?”

“Is it too late to say Happy Nude Year?”

“How was your holiday? Mine was wild.”

“How was your holiday? Mine was wild.”

“My garage sale went better than expected.”

“The garage sale went better than expected.”

“You must be the new neighbor.”

I!m goin through manopause….

It’s just a fraternity prank…

“Great job, but I can’t give you both thumbs up.”

I see, you see, we all see my Icee.

The Weather Channel predicted McFlurries.

There’s nothing to see, move along.

Is this a hot flash or a winning streak?

I suck at strip poker…

Climate change has certainly impacted our block.

“Aruba, Jamaica, oh I want to take you to
Bermuda, Bahama, come on handsome poppa..”

“Pepsi Cola hits the spot
14 ounces
That!s a lot.”

Just took the polar bear plunge and I feel sooooooooooooooo ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m usually drawn to funny topics. Well, funny has two meanings, one funny-funny as in watching the Marx Brothers and the other funny-strange as in, “That’s funny. I thought I left my wallet on the table.”

Trump is one funny dude in the second sense. He’s busy cutting social programs so as to be able to build up the armed forces. He has no compunction about creating military emergencies and sending men to die even though he himself, like most of our past presidents, wheeled and dealed to avoid serving. He used student deferments and then pleaded the excuse of bone spurs in his heels, aided by a New York podiatrist as a favor to the podiatrist’s then-landlord, Fred Trump.

Although maybe the diagnosis did have some truth to it. After all, doesn’t Trump always seem to put his foot in his mouth?

But Trump shows the most chutzpah when he claims that his training at New York Military Academy (where he was sent as a teenager because his school behavior was troubled and his father thought he needed discipline) was more rigorous than that given to most military men and that he wouldn’t have been so stupid as John McCain was for allowing himself to be captured!

Now that’s funny!

In the second sense.

Got any SPF fifty?

I’m dyslectic; I thought it was summer….

Snowball and highball

“If ever I would leave you.
It wouldn’t be in winter.
Seeing you in winter,
I never could go”

“Does. Anybody. Still. Wear. A. Hat?”

“This is the Hans Christian Andersen test. Am I wearing any clothes?”

It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood.
A beautiful day for a neighbor..
Would you be mine?
Could you be mind?
Would you be my neighbor?

Two horses walk into a bar and the bartender says:
Why the long faces?

If winter comes.
Can spring be far behind?

I just saved $250 by switching to GEICO!

I just got a callback for the OH CALCUTTA revival….

“It’s amazing! After all these years, I can still fit into my birthday suit.”

You can call me Emp….

Shalom, shalom
You’ll find shalom
The nicest greeting you know.
It means bonjour, salut and shoal
And twice as much as Hello…

Did you know that the human body is composed of about 270 bones at birth and as a result of fusing, it has about 206 for an adult? Here, let’s count…

You look like you could use a hot toddy….

When I was in college, we protested by signing petitions.
Wearing no clothes seems to generate more of a response…

I came in eighth; Jesus, you shoulda seen the winner…

I came in eighth; god, you shoulda seen the winner…

Got more than expected last night!

I hire a guy to blow mine.

Doing it yourself? I just hire a guy to blow mine.

Good thing it’s cold out. I only had to buy a small.

Wassup???? I’ll show you wassup!!!!!!!

I’ll show you my bone spur if you’ll show me yours…..

Shrinkage has never been a part of my vocabulary…

Please do not tell my dermatologist!

Wanna ease on down the road?

You can see that my barber does north AND south…..

Welcome to Frostbite Falls.

Wave your little hand and yell out ‘so long Harvey,’
You ain’t gonna see me anymore…

So long, farewell, au revoir, auf weidersein.
Would you like to taste a bit of my champagne?

I get no kick from champagne.
Mere alcohol doesn’t thrill me at all.
But it is so obvious and true.
That I get a kick out of you…

On the eighth day, I iced.

I’m checking everyone’s 20/20 in 2020.

“Hey neighbor. Do you have a minute to discuss shrinkage?”

“It used to be a Big Gulp cup.”

My urologist needs a urine sample..

By now everyone must have heard Joaquin Phoenix’s spaced-out speech last night as he won a Golden Globe for his performance in “Joker”; it almost seemed that we were really listening to the Joker himself, channeling Mr. Phoenix for the Joker to say what the Joker really wanted to say.

Reminding me of the other actor who played the Joker, Heath Ledger, who many years ago won Golden Globe and Academy and other awards for his portrayal in the movie “The Dark Knight” but let the character take possession of him (in the words of his ex-wife, Michelle Williams) and died soon after of a massive drug overdose. Is there a curse associated with the role?

If anyone’s interested in the real Joker, however, please read Alan Moore’s classic “The Killing Joke,” a superb story exploring the villain’s background and his confrontation with the Dark Knight. The story ends with a joke that the Joker tells Batman in a final confrontation.

Here is the joke:

JOKER: See, there were these two guys in a lunatic asylum … and one night, one night, they decide they don’t like living in an asylum any more. They decide they’re going to escape. So, like, they get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the roof tops of the town, stretching away in the moonlight … stretching away to freedom.

“Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend, daredn’t make the leap. Y’see … y’see …he’s afraid of falling. So then, the first guy has an idea … he says, ” Hey! I have my flashlight with me! I’ll shine it across the gaps between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!”

B-but the second guy just shakes his head. He, suh, says… He says,

“Wh-what do you think I am? Crazy?

“Y-you’d turn it off when I was half way across!”

Robert D, thanks for your choice of Cole Porter’s lyrics for “I Get a Kick Out of You,” but you might have included these lines from the same song with their breathtaking five rhymes, one tumbling out after the other:
“I get no kick in a plane.
Flying too high
With some guy in the sky is my idea of nothing to do,
Yet I get a kick out of you.”

Wow! No? Thanks again for sharing.

“I feel naked without my drink.”

Has a new horse entered the race and taken the lead? The name’s Tom Preston, and two of his great lines are “Good thing it’s cold out. I only had to buy a small.”

Where did you come from?

But welcome. And thanks for the laughs.

And let’s see more for the new year and for the new contest?

My pleasure, Gerald. It’s FUN!!

“I left my inhibitions at the mikvah.”

“”Unlike the incumbent, I offer complete transparency.””

“It stimulates the circulation.”

“My sauna conked out.”

Is your wife around?

“Joyeux Moël!”

Winter bris.

“Too ballsy?”

“Taking the dreidel for a spin.”

Who needs warmth when you’ve got freedom.

“Ready for the open hose? I mean, house?”

“The objects seen through the plastic are larger than they appear.”

“Let’s drink to global warming. Trump is right, it’s not a threat.
Winter snowstorms such as this one are what I’d most like to forget.”

Shaq and I recommend Icy Hot.

“No, I’m not frozen — I’m chosen!”

“As a pluralistic Jew, I’m not clothes-minded!”

Top of the morn Bob-o! You mind shoveling my driveway next?

Hey Bob, just cut off my penis with a chainsaw!

The neighborhood mohel is three houses on your left.

I need directions to the Garden of Eden. I lost my fig leaf and need a replacement.

I think you’re being gaslighted.

I think my Icee is stuck to my icicle.

May I borrow your scarf?

My cup runneth over.

Less is more…more or less.

Hey, Joe, ask me why Debbie didn’t as me to shovel this year.

It’s the Emperor’s Nude Clothes.

Hello sir, I’m doing polling of women in the area. Is the misses home?

Thought I’d try out a new icebreaker!

“We moved down here for the warm winters.”

“Maybe you’d like to join me.”

“Could I trouble you for a little ice for my drink?”

“We should start a new club.”

“Hey, neighbor! How’s it hanging?”

“Nice tool.”

“Need an extra pair of hands?”

“Don’t bother. Property values on this block have gone through the floor.”

“I see you’re still embracing all the norms.”

“I can lend a hand if you’ll just grab my cocktail.”

“Am I hot enough for ya?”

“I’ll shovel your property for forty dollars or leave it for eighty.”

“I just found out the laundry doesn’t deliver.”

Hey Joe, I lost betting on the snowball fights.

Hiya pal, wanna sip?

Guess who’s coming to dinner.

Ha, Ha, very funny Ray! Now give me back my clothes!

Buddy, I like your shovel, but mine’s bigger.

Hi, I’m Frosty, the ding-dong,walking up and down your street, sliding here and there, almost anywhere, scaring everyone I meet.

Say neighbor, Do you happen to have another pair of boots?

Could you help me? I think I took a wrong turn. Is this the “Happy Farm Nudist Colony”?

I know what you are thinking. So yes, I’m going bald.

What’s the point of being nude, if you can’t share it with a friend?

Stupid dryer, makes everything shrink.

i lost my clothes betting on the snowball fights.

Those snow moths really eat your clothes, but good.

Yeah George, my wife locked me outta the house again.

The winter air is great for my hemorrhoids.

Hello I’m the pastor from the church down the street. How about joining our congregation? We’re real free thinkers.

“I won a free trip to the mikvah when I won the office pool.”

(Thanks, Dinah, for the idea. You can steal one from me next time.)

Hi. Wanna join me? Be free. Feel the wind between those knees.

“Hey, Mike, Mike, Mike. Wanna guess what’s worse than getting your tongue stuck to a frozen pole?”

I don’t believe in climate change and I’m much happier!

“Hey, it’s the 50th anniversary of my bris.”

Have you ever tried menudo?

Shoveling snow can make anyone testy.

“I heard you are having a house warming. That’s great, because it’s time for my personal climate change!”

“My psychiatrist said, ‘You need to keep a cool head,’ and I thought a cool body would help.”

“Would you believe I live in an air-conditioned igloo?”

“Can you give me directions to the nearest nude beach?”

“In my past life, I was a polar bear, and somehow now I am frozen in time!”

I’m freezing my Shalomi.

“I’m a little cold. Could I borrow one of your yarmulkes?”

“Often when you take a drink, your bad side is revealed.
But with the drink that I have now, my bad side is concealed.”

“The warmest winter ever and this is how I find you?”

I don’t know if we’ve met, but I’m your daughters boyfriend.

Am I cool or what?

My divorce is finalized.

“I’m coming out as a Jew”

At Burger King, it takes two hands to handle a whopper.

I love these bottomless refills.

At the deli, tell them Big Mike sent you.

“Let’s hang out together.”

Are you in good hands?

I won the Golden Globe for Best Supporting Actor.

Don’t eat yellow snow cones.

I told my baby it’s cold outside… she didn’t agree.

Have you heard about manspreading?

Does anyone remember “Professor” Irwin Corey? He died a few years ago at 102 and was essentially a double-talk comedian who billed himself as “the world’s foremost authority.” His words seemed to make sense and were delivered in complete seriousness but were sheer nonsense. Well, even though Irwin Corey is gone, we today have a worthy successor. His name is Donald Trump. Here is a transcript of one of “Professor” Donald Trump’s speeches on climate control, thanks to Jonathan Chait. If you can figure out what he actually said, PLEASE notify me.

“You can blow up a pipeline, you can blow up the windmills. You know, the wind wheels (mimics windmill noise, mimics shooting gun). Bing! That’s the end of that one. If the birds don’t kill it first. The birds could kill it first. They kill so many birds. You look underneath some of those windmills, it’s like a killing field, the birds. But, uh, you know, that’s what they were going to, they were going to windmills. And you know, don’t worry about wind, when the wind doesn’t blow, I said, “What happens when the wind doesn’t blow?” Well, then we have a problem. Okay good. They were putting him in areas where they don’t have much wind, too. And it’s a subsidary–you need subsidy for windmills. You need subsidy. Who wants to have energy where you need subsidy? So, uh, the coal is doing great.

(P.S. I thought Irwin Corey made more sense.)

If the previous excerpt hasn’t given you intellectual indigestion, here’s another excerpt, thanks to Tony Rhodes, this from a speech given by President Trump on Iran’s nuclear power. It’ll either make you laugh or, possibly, give you an ulcer:

“My uncle was a great professor and scientist and engineer, Dr. John Trump at MIT; good genes, very good genes, OK, very smart, the Wharton School of Finance, very good, very smart–you know, if you’re a conservative Republican, if I were a liberal, if, like, OK, if I ran as a liberal Democrat, they would say I’m one of the smartest people anywhere in the world–it’s true!–but when you’re a conservative Republican, they try–oh, do they do a number–that’s why I always start off: Went to Wharton, was a good student, went there, went there, did this, built a fortune–you know I have to give my like credentials all the time, because we’re a little disadvantaged– but you look at the nuclear deal, the thing that really bothers me–it would have been so easy, and it’s not as important as these lives are (nuclear is powerful; my uncle explained that to me many, many years ago; he would explain the power of what’s going to happen and he was right–who would have thought?), but when you look at what’s going on with the four prisoners–now it used to be three, now it’s four–but when it was three and even now, I would have said it’s all in the messenger; fellas, and it is fellas because, you know, they don’t, they haven’t figured that the women are smarter right now than the men, so you know, it’s gonna take them another 150 years–but the Persians are great negotiators, the Iranians are great negotiators, so, and they, they just killed, they just killed us.”

#######################

Well, although we don’t have that great World War II codebreaker, Alan Turing, on hand to help us, we do have our Jim Gorman from California to call upon to possibly make sense of the above. How about it, Jim? We haven’t, unfortunately, heard much from you lately.

Did you want matzah balls or chutzpah balls?

Howdy, neighbor! You missed a spot…

“Should we start a jogging club?”

Jim, thanks, but is apophenia necessarily a bad thing to have? Aren’t geniuses those who can see connections that no one else can, thereby making fortunes on their bets? Aren’t great poets those who put two sticks together that no else has thought to mix, thereby creating great metaphors? John Dryden once summed up the puzzle: “Great wits are to madness near allied / And thin partitions do their bounds divide.”

So what is Trump, a farsighted prophet or incipient schizophrenic? If you ask me, he’s the latter. If you ask those violent crowds who attend his rallies and extend his cry to make America great again, he’s the former.

Again, thanks as always for your thoughts.

To tweak one of Dale’s entries on January 17th:

“I won two Golden Globes for Best Supporting Actor. Want to see them?”

“The neighbor kids used to come round, but you never see them anymore.”

I spilled my drink. Do you have an ice scraper?

Spring has sprung.

If I said it wasn’t cold, I’d be a Pinocchio.

Hold that thought…I just got a text from Anthony Weiner.

“Hi, neighbor, I’m here to invite you to a cocktail party celebrating Purim 2020. We know the holiday’s not till March, but we thought we’d start drinking early.”

“They say you can’t keep a good man down.”

Gerald, got my grogger and ready to partly!

Let’s take a picture together, just point and click.

Stephen, your ‘They say you can’t keep a good man down’ was well worth waiting for.

Incidentally, in all the years I’ve seen your work, this is the first contest in which you’ve submitted what might be called X-rated captions.

Just an observation, not a criticism by any means, for your submissions are ALWAYS good.

Thanks.

“Say, isn’t it nice out?”

Cold frontal coming through!

Big Gulp? Yeah, getting that reaction all over town.

That picture of Brett Favre was just a Croc.

Take this job and shovel it. I ain’t twerking here no more.

Let’s make like a banana and split.

It’s Victoria’s Little Secret.

I’m working in my product placement.

Location, location, location.

“The Full Motke”

“I believe in the right to bare everything!”

Who’s the Chinook Schnook this time?

“Are you coming to my gender reveal party?”

“Michael Angelo David is my name, and nudity is my game!”
+++
(Dale, I’m back. Now you can put away your anti-depressants.)

“My life has been a harsh and blustery existence!”

“My Nude Vodka Soda is made with vodka, sparkling water, and all-natural essences. You might say that this drink ‘brings out’ the best in you!”
+++
Dedicated to Gerald Lebowitz who appreciates a NUDE DRINK!

“My girlfriend wants to get married, but I tried to explain to her that COLD FEET is just the beginning of my problems!”

Welcome back, Marvin. And already in top form!

Marvin, the vacation did you good.

It recharged you, sharpened your wit.

I’m going to imitate you and take a vacation, too.

I’m leaving now.

But I’ll be back tomorrow morning.

What can I do in that short time?

I figured it all out out.

I can take a leisurely walk from the refrigerator to the couch and back, with stops in between.

Talk to you soon.

“My body ‘RUNS ON ANTI-FREEZE’ so I don’t have to hybernate!”

“I’m also known as ‘Smokey,’ because I’m a little BARE!”

“I dress up like this for Halloween to become a NUTTY professor!”

“My foreign doctor told me that I have Coronavirus from drinking Corona beer. But, I think something was lost in translation.”

“As a decent photographer, I never dreamt that the police would ‘capture me’ for INDECENT EXPOSURE!”

Some of my favorite sayings are:

FREE WILLY
WHERE’S THE BEEF?
OSCAR MEYER WEINER
and
WHAT’S UP?

Marvin, I’m back, refreshed from my long vacation, and I brought someone with me who wants to write about mezuzahs. Her name is Nancy Maxwell, a very funny librarian:

“Not only is displaying a mezuzah typically Jewish, so is how it is hung. As the story has it, a heated debate broke out between the eleventh-century sage Rashi and his grandson about the proper direction to hang it. Rashi believed it must be affixed vertically, while his grandson insisted it be horizontal. Providing us an example of Jews finding middle ground, they compromised. We now position our mezuzahs at an angle between the up and sideways axis. The top of the mezuzah points toward the inside of the room, and the bottom points toward the outside.”

Calling to mind the story of the non-Jewish painter who removed all the mezuzahs in the large apartment of an elderly woman’s apartment, then later, after the painting job was finished, reassuring the woman: “I put them all back exactly as you told me.” And then he added with pride, “I even removed all the warranties that were rolled up inside.”

Breaking news: Environmental organizer fired for using plastic straw amid ill-timed naked climate protest.

Writing the above, I realized that there is a lot of humor about people who do inappropriate things with the greatest of good intentions, like my house painter removing the “warranties.”

For example, the aspiring boy scout who goes out to do a good deed and comes back home after three hours.

“What took you so long?” his mother asks.

“I tried to help a little old lady cross the street,” the boy answers.

“But why were you gone for the whole afternoon?” the mother pursues.

“She didn’t want to go,” the boy shrugs.

########

Or the story of the monkey saying to a fish, “Let me help you so that you won’t drown,” as he carries the poor fish up the tree.

You get the picture. Humor is often the product of an embarrassing confrontation, isn’t it? 🙂

This is my last post about the matter, I promise: But the more I think about it, the more I’m convinced that the mother of all humor is embarrassment.

I don’t, however, know who the father is.

“I must have taken a wrong turn two miles back.”

Have you heard the song, “MY DING-A-LING?” by Dave Bartholomew/Chuch Berry (1972).
Some words have a special meaning to a Nude Man.
That song reminds me of the following phrases.
+++
(1) Don’t pull my chain.
(2) Don’t handle the merchandise.
(3) Pop goes the weasel.
(4) Easy come-easy go.
(5) Swing high-swing low.
(6) Bring it on.
(7) Love means never having to say you are sorry.
(8) Hang on to what you have.
(9) Keep your eyes on the prize.

Other songs by Chuck Berry (spelled correctly, this time!) that have a special meaning to a Nude Man.
(1) Johnny B. Goode
(2) Let’s Twist Again
(3) I’m Talking About You
(4) I’m A Rocker

“I’m playing peek-a-boo in the neighborhood. So PEEK and BOO!”

Baby it’s cold outside!

Do you want to hug together for warmth?

Am I early for the costume party?

This drink is the fun size.

“As an exhibitionist, I really love the NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH!”

“One advantage of my journey is that I am not EXPOSED to pickpockets!”

“I predict two more months of cold weather, and that’s the NAKED TRUTH!”

This is part of the nude and proud exercise program.

I’m sorry I was writing my memoirs and spilled white out all over my clothes.

Hello I’m the local police chief. Have you seen any suspicious activity?

Neighbor, I’m holding a weenie roast. Love for you to come.

“I’m the advance man for this year’s Groundhog Day. We’re predicting an early spring.”

Hi Harry, I see you STILL don’t believe in global warming. APIKOROS!

“My formal attire consists of a tall hat and a bowtie.”

“I was invited to the SKIN’S football game in Washington, D.C. But, I didn’t like HANGING OUT with that crowd!”

“My Bubbe said jokingly to me at my Bris: ‘When you grow up, you will be more than a HANDFUL!'”

“I need a friend to go with me to the dance club.” “To make sure I don’t Hang out with the wrong people.

“Hi”. I’m doing a survey of the neighbors favorite motivational posters. ” To give you some idea”. ” Mine is, “Hang in there baby”.

“My GPS said that this was Las Vegas.”

“I’m feeling friendly, call your wife out here and let’s have a big old group hug.”

“I’m so excited to see you again!” “Can you tell”?

“I’m a natural blond”. “Don’t tell anyone.”

“Please don’t tell my wife”.

“I’m hoping this starts a trend”.

“My therapist said, I needed to get in touch with the real me”.

“No nudes is good nudes”.

“I’m ready for Americas Got Talent”.

“Get ready world.” Here I come.”

“Thanks for the memories.”

I’m so thick skinned from social media comment trolls, not even cold bothers me.

(NEIGHBOR) “Did you have a short-sighted doctor at your circumcision?”
(NUDE MAN) “No. But, I have been diagnosed with LEPROSY!”
+++
(NEIGHBOR) “Why do you always order your cocktails shaken, but not stirred?”
(NUDE MAN) “Because of the fact that I like to take advantage of my PARKINSON DISEASE!”
+++
(NEIGHBOR) “What do you convey to your mental health doctor at your group therapy sessions?”
(NUDE MAN) “I’m still trying to AIR OUT my sexual problems!”

What happens in Levittown stays in Levittown.

I roasted my chestnuts on an open fire.

“I only do this once in a blue moon.” Or- “Don’t wait for my rebuttal.”

The polar bear club can get grizzly.

I went to the strip mall for Maximilian’s Brazilian.

Hey Buddy, I think you should look of the word “Chill” in your dictionary and tear that page out!

“Remember the song ‘Popsicle Toes’?”

“Don’t worry, I slathered myself with sunscreen.”

“Hey, got your invitation – will put on my best black tie.”

“Brr”! This drink is cold.”

“Time for calisthenics”. “Jumping Jacks on the count of three”.

“Before you criticize my state of undress, please remember the words of the famous English poem:

‘To air is human; to forgive, divine.'”

” Hurry sidekick, evils afoot, to the nude-mobile”.

” You should be ashamed of yourself”, wearing all those clothes in public, very indecent.”

” What do you think?’ “Am I ready for beach season?”

“Beach Season, here I come.”

“I’m single and ready to mingle.”

“My name is George and I’m your mayor, re-elect me and all of your wildest dreams will come true.”

“Do you wanna make some snow angels”?

“Well, there goes my long-lost brother, in the flesh.”

“Dad this isn’t a dream, go back inside!”

“That my friends, was the last time I ever saw my professor, Mr. Peter again.”

“I bet that man will become president someday.”

“I am still in my youth,
Drinking gin and vermouth,
And I give you my word
I am shaking, not stirred.

If I could wave a wand,
I’d turn into James Bond.”

Delano Britt, where did you come from, and where did you get all that skill with words? I hope that you’re not just a shooting star that disappears after one contest but that you stay around and light up future challenges.

Thanks for being here.

“I don’t suppose you’ve dug up any house keys?”

“Looking for a little extra muscle?”

“You’re not going to believe this, but there must be three police cars headed this way!”

Naked Guy- ” What are you looking at?” “Have you never seen a man with style before?”
Man with shovel-” Oh!” Sweet kosher, I’m going to be sick!”

“You’re looking at Mr. Physique of 1991.”

“Don’t you just love nature?”

“Who’s ready for some sports?” “I’m wearing my protective cup.”

“Look how fast he’s shoveling that snow.” “Please, please, don’t let him find the bodies!”

“When boobs go wild.”

“I’m Peter Princeton, and this is Nature In The Suburbs. “The hot new television program”. “What creature are we studying today?” “Ah!, yes. It is the hairless creep.”

“He’s in the dark and can’t find the bulb?”

“These new age nudists gives their forefathers a bad name.”

“I know the economy is bad , but this is getting ridiculous.”

“Don’t come any closer, I’ve got mace!”

“Top of the heap Ma!”

“Please be my neighbor”. I don’t bite-yet.”

(NEIGHBOR) “How did you understand that your marriage failed?”
(NUDE MAN) “My wife ordered Lorena Bobbitt knives!”
+++
(NEIGHBOR) “Why do you love bananas so much?”
(NUDE MAN) “We both have the shape of Peyronie’s Disease!”
+++
(NEIGHBOR) “Why don’t you wear proper clothes?”
(NUDE MAN) “Because I like to STICK OUT in a crowd!”

Delano B., thanks for replying. Most of us on this site were born at the wrong time, for many years ago, especially in the 1920’s through the 1960’s, there were many, many more newspapers and magazines than there are now, when everything has turned digital. Many of these publications would welome contributions of humor and wordplay and light verse from their readers. Woody Allen at an early age found to his delight that he was able to earn more than his father through selling humor pieces to columnists like Walter Winchell and Leonard Lyons. The lyricists Yip Harburg and Ira Gershwin gained early confidence by submitting many plays on words to Franklin P. Adams’ celebrated humor column “The Conning Tower,” and so on. You’re good, man. You would have been applauded had you lived then. But of course, if that had happened, you would now be very old. So life is a trade off.

This is a site of very talented, good-natured people. So far we’ve not had any trolls to spoil it. I for one love to see your contributions bubbling over with infectious humor. All I can say is, let your words keep flowing like clear spring water so that all of us who wish can drink and slake our thirst.

Thanks again to all.

“I wanted to join a nudist colony, but I was afraid that my ASSETS were too SMALL.”

“I’m a TOUCHY-FEELY sort of guy. So, please keep in TOUCH as I need that FEELY stimulation!”

(NEIGHBOR) “Do you think women adore you?”
(NUDE MAN) “Yes, they are fascinated by my OUTTA BODY experience!”
+++
(NEIGHBOR) “What do you think you can accomplish with women?”
(NUDE MAN) “When around me, an ordinary woman becomes WONDER WOMAN!”
+++
(NEIGHBOR) “Were you ever commended at school by women?”
(NUDE MAN) “Yes, when they said my advantages in life were FAR OUT THERE!”

Once I went to a wedding and the clergyman said, “If you object to this marriage speak up, or forever HOLD YOUR PIECE.” So, I chose the latter, and now I’m not embarrassed to HOLD MY PIECE in public!

Did someone say ‘Caucus’?

Dale, the word is “raucous” and refers to all the shouting and intimidation at Trump rallies.

What does a NUDE MAN think about the following well-endowed males?
(A) PLUMBER ——–Does a plumber have BIG PIPE dreams?
(B) ELECTRICIAN—Does an electrician get a real CHARGE from his profession?
(C) SOLDIER———–Is a soldier LOCKED & LOADED with a BIG BANG gun?
(D) MARVIN S.——-(1) Is Marvin, HERCULES in disguise? (2) Or, a MINOTAUR (half MAN & half BULL)? (3) Or, a ROBOT (all the parts are present, but they BREAK DOWN all too often)?

(Q) Whatever happened to the NUDE MARLBORO MAN?
(A) He smoked, choked, and then croaked! (Smoking is a slow & agonizing death.)
+++
(Q) Whatever happened to the NUDE TARZAN?
(A) He soared, roared, and was floored! (The branch broke.)
***
(Q) Whatever happened to the NUDE NEO-NAZI?
(A) He lied, cried, and was denied! (Totally rejected.)

Having seen and heard about many State of the Union events , I’d give the highest praise to all involved in the Trump extravaganza of 2020. The acting was superb, the choreography brilliant, and the words perfect. The evening was inspiring and deserving of the highest praise and awards.

The only problem was that the evening had little to do with reality. I had the feeling that I was eavesdropping on the happenings in a parallel world, not the one I am part of. I know that the president had a lot of help gathering the words he spoke. Was, perhaps, one of the speechwriters a descendant of Charles Dodgson, who wrote under the name Lewis Carroll, and should the speech have been subtitled “Donald J. Trump’s Adventures in Wonderland”?

After all, Trump once bragged (?) that he has not changed a bit since he was in elementary school. So perhaps he, like Alice, fell down a rabbit hole.

But, unlike Alice, Trump has never come out.

Now I need your help to answer the question as to why a man walks around nude. I have attempted to make a shortlist and your response is needed. Any combination of the following or additions are acceptable.

(A) SHOCK & AWE.
(B) A NUDE MAN has nothing to hide.
(C) A NUDE MAN has MENTAL and/or PHYSICAL properties to share.
(D) SIZE matters to a NUDE MAN, and he wants to prove it.
(E) A NUDE MAN is in love with himself.
(F) A NUDE MAN wants to be part of the NATURAL ENVIRONMENT.
(G) A NUDE MAN in his BIRTHDAY SUIT is ready to party with or without a drink in hand.
***
Now your OUTPUT (NO PUN INTENDED) is required!

“My father was a politician who told me how important it was to always be prepared to press the flesh.”

Thanks to David Corn for this:

“Revenge—it’s a big part of Trump’s life. Following the first presidential debate, he spent days of valuable campaign time (and hours of valuable sleep time) slamming Alicia Machado, the former Miss Universe. At other times during this contest, he could not let go of his feud with Rosie O’Donnell. He tried to smear Judge Gonzalo Curiel, the American-born federal judge hearing a fraud case against Trump University, as a “Mexican” unqualified to preside over this litigation. For days, he derided Khizr and Ghazala Khan, the parents of an Army captain killed in Iraq, after Khizr criticized him during a speech at the Democratic Convention. He launched misogynistic attacks against Carly Fiorina and Megyn Kelly. Rather than attempt to unify his party after a divisive primary fight, he threatened to finance future campaigns against GOP rivals, most notably Ohio Gov. John Kasich. He encouraged violence against protesters at his rallies. And there were the mean and nasty nicknames: Lyin’ Ted, Little Marco, etc. Why all the insults, bullying, and grudge matches?

“There is a reason. Trump fervently believes in retaliation. How do we know? Because he has said numerous times that he is driven by revenge and that it is a basic tool to use in business. He is obsessed with payback.”

After the impeachment hearings, Trump now has plenty of people to go after. Indeed, this busy president will now take over the work of God himself, for In Leviticus 19:18 it is written: “‘Vengeance is mine,’ sayeth the Lord.”

The Lord is wrong. He will very shortly be trumped by Trump.

Marvin, now that you’re back (thank goodness), here’s a challenge for you: What would be the ideal name for the partner or spouse of a dentist? (Possible answer: Flossie?) Of a lawyer? ( Sue?) What about the significant other of an accountant, teacher, writer, actor, electrician, waiter, politician, librarian, cardiologist, physical therapist, computer programmer, taxi driver or any other occupation you can think of?

Dentist——————–Bridget ( BRIDGE IT )
Lawyer——————–Patsy
Accountant————-Penny
Teacher——————-Pat ( LIKE A PAT ON THE HEAD OF A TEACHER’S PET )
Writer———————–Dot ( AT THE END OF A SENTENCE )
Politician——————Windy ( HOT AIR )
Librarian——————-Carole ( SINGING THE WORDS OF A BOOK )
Phy. Therapist———–Poppy ( POP THOSE MUSCLES )
Taxi Driver—————–Tracy (TRACE THE ROUTE )
+++
To say the least, these names are not ideal but have THOUGHT-PROVOKING appeal.

Marvin, you did great, better than I ever could have done.

You yourself have a very appropriate name, standing for Marv L. Us. Your writing is ALWAYS a Marv el to behold.

You always seem to strike gold with your words.

Thanks again.

And Marvin, your last name’s no slouch either. As a noun, sage is a delightful mint used to flavor foods, just as you delightfully flavor this site. A sager (although pronounced with a soft g) is someone who is wise. So the second meaning, too, applies to you.

Perhaps we can start a new science to be used to analyze people, but instead of reading palms or charting the figures of a person’s birth or tracing the bumps on someone’s head, we can utilize names as a way of understanding who the person is.

But regardless of what method might be used, you’ve already proven that you certainly are a winner!

To Gerald Lebowitz: Thanks for your inspiring words. Please let me know your responses to the works of Adam Mansbach.
+++
“Being Jewish is a big part of my artistic sensibility and my humor…I think it gives me a certain take on the world on a literary level.”
By Adam Mansbach.

Marvin, I don’t know much about Adam Mansbach. I never heard any of his riffs. I know that he’s a man of many skills, writing poetry and novels and screenplays. I suppose one could look him up on YouTube.

I did get a positive picture of him, strangely enough, from a friend’s son who once had him as a teacher of English at Rutgers in New Jersey, and the son said that Mansbach was a fascinating lecturer with an amazing sense of humor.

As for his books, I did once refer to one of them on this site, quoting from “A Field Guide to the Jewish People,” written with fellow humorists Adam Zweibel and Dave Barry. As for the “Fuck” books for children really aimed at adults, I’ve never really given them a chance, seeing them as examples of low-level humor not really respectful of the problems involved in raising decent and sensitive kids in today’s blunt world of porn and violence.

But what the fuck do I know? His net worth has been calculated to be 2.5 million bucks. So he must be doing something right, right?

Thanks for reaching out. As for my words to you, they were never meant to be inspiring. They were never meant to be flattering. They were always meant to be truthful.

I look forward to your future gems.

Gerald,
Your review on Adam Mansbach was right on the money (2.5 million bucks)! What disturbs me is the fact that he claims his Jewishness accounts for his artistic sensibility using his words. In fact, as you so elegantly explained, his lewdness in adult expressions degrades his background as an intelligent person and an artist. Why is he paid any money that attracts debauchery in his literature? Today we are bombarded with uneducated politicians and the malodorous rhetoric of extremist groups. That’s why I turn to you for guidance and advice. I am sure you will agree that “discretion is the better part of valor.” But, then again who am I? Certainly not a noted critic or artist. So, what the HEY! ( I cannot use gratuitous vulgar language.) My comments stem from the fact that I come from the old school of decency and respect!
By the way, it doesn’t take much to inspire or flatter me. Truthfulness is a form of encouragement when used to boost one’s ego! THANKS!

Marvin, the following was taken from Wikipedia:

‘The parable of the blind men and the elephant originated in the ancient Indian subcontinent, from where it has been widely diffused. It is the story of a group of blind men who had never come across an elephant and who learn and conceptualize what the elephant is like by touching it. Each blind man is able to feel a different part of the elephant’s body, but only one part, such as the side or the tusk. They then describe the elephant based on their limited experience, and each description of the elephant, of course, is different from person to person.. In some versions, they come to suspect that the other person is dishonest, and they come to blows. The moral of the parable is that humans have a tendency to claim absolute truth based on their limited, subjective experiences as they ignore other people’s limited, subjective experiences which may be equally true.”

So when we look to others for guidance and advice, what we are not getting is “truth.” We’re getting the limited perspective of another being, which in the end might be true for him or her but not necessarily valid for us or anyone else. We’re all limited, digesting one bite (byte?) at a time, unable because of our finiteness to ever comprehend the whole.

The real task is to try to drown out the voices of others who endlessly seek to propagandize us and convince us that one size fits all and discover what it is that’s true for US.

Marvin, thanks again.

This is strangely funny, taken from Michael Wolff’s book “Siege”:

“Trump often boasted of his persuasive powers. ‘There’s nobody who can butter up somebody like me,’ he bragged. In the Trump circle, this was understood as the anchor-tenant strategy. Jared and Ivanka were big proponents of this explanation of Trump’s behavior. In the real estate business, you would do anything to get your big-brand anchor tenant for your retail space. Trump was famously single-minded in pursuit of his star tenant. If a hot retail prospect said he was sleeping with Trump’s wife, Trump would say, ‘Hey, let me get you some champagne.’ Until he got a signature and a deposit, there was no level of self-abasement that Trump wouldn’t tolerate. T

“Then, in the winter, he would withhold the heat.”

Willie Sutton was a notorious American bank robber. When once asked why he robbed banks, he said, “Because that’s where the money is.” In the same way, if you ask me why I seem preoccupied with Donald John Trump, I have to say, “Because that’s where the humor is.”

Consider this, thanks to Travis Gettys:

“President Donald Trump frequently interrupted briefings to satisfy his preoccupation with badgers when Wisconsin native Reince Priebus was his White House chief of staff.

“According to the new book ‘Sinking In The Swamp,’ the president peppered Priebus with questions about Wisconsin’s state animal during briefings about foreign and domestic policy, reported Business Insider.

“’After Trump was reminded that the short-legged omnivore was practically synonymous with the Badger State, he’d make a point of bringing it up at seemingly random occasions to his beleaguered chief of staff,’ wrote authors Lachlan Markay and Asawin Suebsaeng.

“‘’Are they mean to people?’ Trump at least twice asked Priebus in the opening months of his presidency,’ the authors wrote. ‘Or are they friendly creatures?’ The president would also ask if Priebus had any photos of badgers he could show him, and if Priebus could carefully explain to him how badgers ‘work’ exactly.

“Trump was obsessed with Wisconsin’s association with badgers, and he often asked Priebus to explain how the short-legged mammals behaved, what they ate and whether they were dangerous.

“Trump also wanted to know if the badger had a ‘personality’ or if it was boring,’ the authors wrote. ‘What kind of damage could a badger do to a person with its flashy, sharp claws?’

“”An obviously enthralled president would stare at Priebus as the aide struggled for sufficiently placating answers,’ they added, ‘ all the while trying to gently veer the conversation back to whether we were going to do a troop surge in Afghanistan or strip millions of Americans of healthcare coverage.’”

Hey, let’s give our president the benefit of the doubt on this one.

Wouldn’t you, too, be obsessed with the species if you’d been as badgered as he’s been?

A Late Explanation

Willie Sutton robbed banks
“Because that’s where the money is.”
And to Trump I give thanks
Because that’s where the funny is.

Hey Daniel. Can I borrow a cup of bourbon?

“By the way, I can be more presidential than anybody. I can be more presidential, if I want to be. I can be more presidential than anybody … I would say more presidential, and I’ve said this a couple of times, more presidential than anybody other than the great Abe Lincoln. He was very presidential, right?”
—–Donald Trump, March 8, 2016

******************************************************************************************************

Actually, Lincoln and Trump do have one thing in common, in a perverse way. The Civil War started in 1861, right after Lincoln’s inauguration, and the war against civility (the anti-civil war) started right after Trump’s inauguration in 2017.

To Gerald Lebowitz: Since we have time before the next cartoon caption, I would like for you to express your ideas about the following scenario.
+++
Once I had the opportunity to view artworks with a group at the National Gallery of Art in Washington, D.C. It was such a pleasure to witness amazing achievements from so many renowned artists. At the end of the tour, there was one eyesore that caught my attention. On the wall with many outstanding paintings was a framed exhibit of rusty nails, wire, and rope on a wooden mattress. Being that I am not personally trained as an artist, I asked the docent to explain this monstrosity to me. His reply was that the artwork was loaned to the museum along with the artist’s established and cherished works of art. He mentioned that if the museum requested that this particular piece of his collection be eliminated from public view, then the artist would insist on removing all his works. So, I stated that I understood the museum’s dilemma. But, could the museum at least find a less conspicuous location for the work (like behind a door that stays open)!? What is your opinion, Gerald? What would you do in this case, if you were the director in charge of the museum or just a casual observer of the arts?

Hi, Marvin, your very, very good question shouldn’t really be directed to me. Unlike Stephen Nadler, for example, to whom I would defer in most matters, I know nothing about art. There are styles in everything that go in and out of popularity. I could picture (no pun intended) a display of the mess you describe being accepted enthusiastically by the cognoscenti with complicated reasons for their praise (“these pieces are symbolic of the deterioration of our civilization and the future destruction of our planet by ecological forces now beyond our control”). We all do that in our everyday lives. We like something first and then manufacture reasons why. Here is a poem by E. E. Cummings:

since feeling is first

since feeling is first
who pays any attention
to the syntax of things
will never wholly kiss you;

wholly to be a fool
while Spring is in the world

my blood approves,
and kisses are a better fate
than wisdom
lady i swear by all flowers. Don’t cry
– the best gesture of my brain is less than
your eyelids’ flutter which says

we are for each other; then
laugh, leaning back in my arms
for life’s not a paragraph

And death i think is no parenthesis

I couldn’t improve on that, except to say that I am a very minor contributor to this site. There are so many marvelous people whose submissions always delight me (I never liked that word, by the way; to be delighted is to have one’s light go out, like a dead firefly). Go to Stephen’s wonderful website, “Attempted Bloggery,” for example, to marvel at the scope of his expertise. What I am good at is appreciating people and things and holding them aloft so that they can be appreciated by others. Thanks for your post; I just hope I haven’t disappointed you with this response.

This is from Tim O’Brien re the creation of Trump University:

“Although Donald had had many vocations throughout his life, teaching was a new calling. At that time the online education industry itself was still working through some kinks. In late 2004 Pennsylvania law enforcement officials sued one online university for doling out fake degrees, including a diploma the authorities purchased for a cat named Colby Nolan. After asserting in an application that Colby had experience in babysitting and retail management and paying a $299 fee, the authorities secured an MBA for the cat as well as a bogus transcript with grades and course work.

“Yet Donald was undeterred. ‘Trump University is going to be very, very big,’ he said. He was going to be an education pioneer.”

(Sometimes someone asks why make fun
Of Donald Trump. Here’s why:
It’s that when all is said and done,
I’d rather laugh than cry.)

Marvin, I have the feeling that I didn’t really answer your previous question. I don’t know that any answer I could give would be satisfactory, since everything comes down to personal taste. Luckily, Robert Frost is here to give his viewpoint in the poem “A Minor Bird”:

I have wished a bird would fly away,
And not sing by my house all day;

Have clapped my hands at him from the door
When it seemed as if I could bear no more.

The fault must partly have been in me,
The bird was not to blame for his key.

And of course there must be something wrong
In wanting to silence any song.

The question is, are there any songs that should be silenced for everyone’s benefit? Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes once used the example of “shouting fire in a crowded theater” as unprotected behavior because its outcome was to create panic and harm. Well, today, because of all the social media, the whole world is one crowded theater. Should we then prohibit any speech that might incite riot? I, for one, would take a chance and let every viewpoint be expressed even if I didn’t like it, or as my grandmother liked to say, take the good with the bad. My opinion is, leave the unsightly mess in the museum. The contrast only makes the rest of the displays more beautiful.

Next time you travel to England, by the way, go to Speakers’ Corner in Hyde Park. You’ll hear speakers expressing outrageous views on almost every topic while policemen walk idly by with totally bored expressions on their faces.

Have a good Purim, Marvin, and thanks for always helping to make this site the beautiful place that it is. 🙂

In baseball, a change of pace can mean a ball thrown by the pitcher to the batter with little velocity when the batter is expecting a fastball. Here a change of pace means shifting to a brand-new subject, this time from “Empire: A New History of the World,” by Paul Strathern:

“The boyish, energetic image that John F. Kennedy presented, accompanied by his attractive, multi-lingual, Vasser educated wife Jackie, clad in her scrupulously fashionable outfits, captured hearts around the globe. The White House, which hosted diplomatic soirees and sophisticated cultural events, became known as ‘Camelot,” after King Arthur’s legendary court.

“Yet behind Kennedy’s Dorian Gray picture lay another darker portrait, every bit as ambiguous as Gatsby’s past. Kennedy’s father Joe had as good as bought the election for his son, using the vast fortune he had accumulated on the stock market and allegedly from bootlegging during Prohibition. He had Mafia contacts, retained fascist sympathies (he once tried to meet Hitler), and later supported the fanatical anti-communist witch-hunt by Senator McCarthy.

“John F. Kennedy appears to have remained for the most part innocently unaware of this. Yet the healthy, poster-boy president was also not quite what he seemed. For years he had been racked by crippling illnesses, including hyper-thyroidism and a rare endocrine disorder (Addison’s disease). Treatment required a constant cocktail of drugs and injections, which brought on hypertension, mood swings, and sexual addiction.

“As he confessed to the bemused, upper-class British Prime Minister Harold Macmillan: ‘If I don’t have sex every day, I have a headache.’ This practice ranged from call girls (covertly shipped into the White House when Jackie was away) to the likes of Marilyn Monroe, Marlene Dietrich, and, more dangerously, Judith Exner, mistress of Mafia boss Sam Giancana.”