Prove Your Comedy Chops with Moment’s Cartoon Caption Contest

Welcome to the Moment Magazine Cartoon Caption Contest, founded with the help of New Yorker cartoon editor Bob Mankoff, and drawn by New Yorker cartoonist Ben Schwartz.

Do you have a way with words and humor? If so, look at the cartoon below and send us a caption—or two or three! Plus scroll down to vote for your favorite caption. It’s free and fun!

Winners may claim a free Moment subscription for a friend of family member. Contest open to U.S. residents 18 and above.

Plus: Read interviews with some of our most prolific caption contest contributors here.

Submit a caption for this cartoon by May 10 by writing it in as a comment at the bottom of this page!

 

Vote for your favorite caption by filling out the form immediately below!

 

“Mama said there’d be days like these.”
—Lee Lacewell, Heber Springs, AR


“Well, how do YOU celebrate Tu B’Shevat?”
—Stephen Nadler, Princeton, NJ


“I know the whole ‘It’s a tree of life for those that hold fast to it’ thing is probably a metaphor, but I’m not taking any chances.”
—Robbie Shaefer, Alexandria, VA

Vote for your favorite! The winner will receive a free subscription to Moment to give to a friend. Any U.S. resident age 18 or older can enter.

Vote for your favorite caption

Chuckle at the November/December 2021 winning caption—and see who wrote it!

 

“I’ve got to prove to her parents that I’m Jewish.”
—Michael Lomazow, Riverside, CA

How to Submit Your Caption(s)

Submit as a comment below by May 10, 2022 Finalists will appear in the upcoming issue. To vote for the winner of the Winter Issue 2022 contest (see finalists above), use the vote form.

 

320 thoughts on “Cartoon Caption Contest

  1. Marv Sager says:

    NEW MOMENT CARTOON
    (Personnally, I have no idea what this cartoon is all about. The hand of GOD with a bunch of flowers, a dust mop, or what, for Moses?)

    “Take this Moses and let MY SECRET SCENT give you a good sniff of what to expect in the LAND of MILK & HONEY!”

    P.S. The new & improved Marvin is now “MARV!” (DO YOU LIKE IT?)

  2. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    “I came here for a tablet, not a peace offering.”

  3. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    In other words, Marvin is out and Marv is in, ironic since everything’s changed because the original in is now out.

    1. Marv Sager says:

      Gerald,

      How about MARVOUTrageous?

  4. Marv Sager says:

    “You don’t like my flowers? Then walk around the desert and enjoy those flowers!”

  5. Lee Lacewell says:

    “A few bagels with cream cheese would have been a hands down better choice.”

  6. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    “Is this a peace offering?”

  7. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    “Is this a peace offering–or another commandment?”

  8. “You remembered Prophet’s Day!”

  9. “We should stop with the valentines.”

  10. “They’re very nice, but my people want a commitment carved in stone.”

  11. Michael Lomazow says:

    “I understand.Insert key into safe deposit box #10 and retrieve tablets.”

  12. Marv Sager says:

    “Thanks GOD! In exchange for your flowers, would you like a MANICURE?”

  13. Michael Lomazow says:

    “It’s too heavy for me.Couldn’t you have it delivered?”

  14. Marv Sager says:

    “Can we shake on this deal?”

  15. Lee Lacewell says:

    “The listings agencies blocked the use of the previous burning bush model due to an over stated energy efficiency rating.

    1. Lee Lacewell says:

  16. Lee Lacewell says:

    “Forty years in the desert and now its hand-me-downs?”

  17. Michael Lomazow says:

    Lee and Stephen,
    Congratulations on your nominations in the climb the tree cartoon.

    1. Marv Sager says:

      Everybody who enters the MOMENT CONTEST are winners, even you Michael! Group Congratulations (PAST & PRESENT & FUTURE).

    2. Lee Lacewell says:

      Thank you Michael, and the new and improved Marv is correct that the entire group is made up of winners. I voted for Steven’s entry this time.

    3. Thank you, Michael and congratulations to you on the win.

  18. Marv Sager says:

    “The other hand has a POISON APPLE, so take your pick!”

  19. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    “Are you too ashamed to show your face after our last encounter?”

  20. Marv Sager says:

    “Reach Out & Touch Somebody’s Hand…” is MUSIC intended for you!

  21. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    Marv,

    What flower keeps coming back to life after it dies?

    Answer: A rein-carnation.

    (Sorry, I should’ve prepared you better for this.)

    1. Marv Sager says:

      Gerald,

      What do you call a women that covers her head & says a few words for Shabbos?

      Answer: A blessing in disquise! (I just made it up to make myself worthy of my new & improved name!)

      1. Marv Sager says:

        Gerald,

        A “disquise” is a “disguise” not just bad spelling!

  22. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    “You can’t bribe me.”

  23. Marv Sager says:

    “Please don’t shake the flowers; I’m allergic to pollen!”

  24. Michael Lomazow says:

    Does anyone know what’s in the hand?

  25. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    “That flower is dangerous. After all, it contains a pistil.”

  26. Marv Sager says:

    “Does your gift make me a FLOWER CHILD?”

  27. Michael Lomazow says:

    “I hope there are chocolates that go along with that.”

  28. Marv Sager says:

    “You will now be known as, GOD’S HANDy MAN!”

  29. Lee Lacewell says:

    “Since you seem to be hung up on the number forty, I am officially requesting forty bagels with cream cheese.”

  30. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    “Is this your way of telling me that we don’t have to take all of your commandments that seriously?”

  31. Marv Sager says:

    “Do you want a HAND DOWN or a HAND OUT, or BOTH?”

  32. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    “Thanks. How’d you know it was my anniversary?”

  33. Marv Sager says:

    “I said I need FLOUR not FLOWERS!”

  34. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    One strategy that would return President Donald Trump to leadership in Washington, D.C., has been closed down – by former president Donald Trump.

    In an interview this week he said he has little interest in becoming the speaker of the House of Representatives, which easily could be accomplished with the expected return by the GOP to the majority in the body.

    “No, I think it’s not something I want to do. A lot of people bring it up. It’s brought up all the time. No, it’s not something I want to do. I want to look at what’s happening, and then we’re going to be doing something else. No, it’s not something I would be interested in,” he said in an interview.

    Aren’t you relieved?

  35. Michael Lomazow says:

    “Yes,I know you invented cumulus clouds.”

  36. Michael Lomazow says:

    “Why do I always have to to stand near the edge?”

  37. Lee Lacewell says:

    “Is it medicinal or recreational?”

  38. Lee Lacewell says:

    “Isn’t a prescription required to dispense this?”

  39. Marv Sager says:

    “I’m trying not to SNEEZE at your present!”

  40. Lee Lacewell says:

    “I have been meaning to tell you, I only made it down the mountain with two of the three tablets that you gave me last time I was here.”

  41. Michael Lomazow says:

    Just made appointment for 2nd booster shot and 4th overall.Anyone over age fifty is eligible if your last booster was at least 4 months ago.Do it!

  42. Marv Sager says:

    “I will use your flower bouquet at the next Jewish Wedding, and you will be invited!”

  43. Lee Lacewell says:

    “I see it now, no fingernails, manicure brush not needed.”

  44. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    For Marv, welcome to the site. Give best regards to Marvin if you see him:

    A man wearing a mask jumped into the path of a very well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.

    “Give me your money!” he demanded.

    Outraged, the affluent man replied, “You can’t do this – I’m a United States Congressman!”

    “In that case,” replied the robber, “give me MY money!”

  45. Lee Lacewell says:

    “Why do I get the feeling that I am about to get the brush-off?”

  46. Marv Sager says:

    For Gerald,

    “Dear Lord, give us a well educated MENSCH in the future, and let us praise him as Gerald Lebowitz!”

  47. Marv Sager says:

    “On the 7th day you rested. With flowers like these, does that mean you RESTED IN PEACE?”

  48. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    “You didn’t have to do that. I know you love us in spite of ourselves.”

  49. Michael Lomazow says:

    “Stop bringing flowers to apologize.Just get here on time.”

  50. Michael Lomazow says:

    “Its

  51. Michael Lomazow says:

    “It’s a yellow and gold wedding.Take these back.”

  52. Michael Lomazow says:

    “I called Tripple A.Who knew you’d be the dispatcher.”

  53. Marv Sager says:

    Marvin says, “VOS MACHST DU?” Marv says, “SHALOM!”

    “GOD, to prove it’s really you, do you have an identification TATTOO or BIRTH MARK?”

  54. Lee Lacewell says:

    “Please excuse my less than stellar response, but the last time I stared at holy vegetation I did a forty year stent in the desert.”

  55. Michael Lomazow says:

    “The flowers are nice but how about electricity,air conditioning or running water.”

  56. Marv Sager says:

    “While I’m up here, I would appreciate another BURNING BUSH to warm my hands!”

  57. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    A pick-me-up for the weekend?

    Two elderly people were living in a Miami Beach mobile home park. He was a widower and she was a widow, and they had known one another for a number of years.

    One evening a supper was held in the communal room, and the two found themselves at the same table, seated across from one another. As the meal progressed, the guy made several admiring glances at her, and he finally gathered his courage to ask her, “Miriam, will you marry me?”

    After about five seconds of “careful consideration,” Miriam answered. “Yes. Yes, I certainly will.”

    The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective rooms . However, next morning, the guy was troubled: Had she said yes or had she said no? He just couldn’t remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory.

    So it was with some trepidation that he went to the telephone and called her. He explained that he didn’t remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired gingerly, “Miriam, when I asked if you would marry me, did you say yes or did you say no?”

    He was delighted to hear her retort, “Why, I said yes, yes I will, and I meant it with all my heart.”

    “Wonderful,” he said. Then she continued:

    “You know, I am so glad that you called, because, try as I might, I just couldn’t remember for the life of me who had asked.”

    1. Lee Lacewell says:

      That is a good one anytime.

      1. Gerald Lebowitz says:

        Thank you. Your postings always liven up the day.

  58. Michael Lomazow says:

    “How do I know it’s really you?”

  59. Marv Sager says:

    “We have your Arc of the Covenant. But, is it real gold or fool’s gold?
    I just thought I would ask because today is APRIL FOOL’S DAY!”

  60. Joseph E. Mirman says:

    April Cartoon: It’s time for you to stop and smell the flowers.

  61. Lee Lacewell says:

    Here is a extra corny joke for April 1st. It has nothing to do with April Fools Day, but here it is anyway.

    A man takes his ailing pet duck to his local Veterinarian Clinic. The Vet checks the duck over and tells the man that there is nothing to be done for the duck and that will be $50. The man is visibly distraught and ask the Vet to do everything necessary to be absolutely sure of the diagnosis. The Vet leaves the room and returns with a golden retriever and a cat. The cat and dog sniff the duck, then shake their heads and leave the room. The Vet again tells the man, “there is nothing to be done for the duck and that will be $600.” The man says to the Vet,” hey a few minutes ago you said $50.” The Vet replies, “yes but that was before the lab tests and cat scan.”

  62. Jim Gorman says:

    Michael, a few days ago you asked the question “Does anybody know what’s in his hand?”. I keep looking at the drawing, and I’m with you. What is that anyway? This has to be one of the more confusing cartoons. I love Doc Schwartz. He’s one of my heroes, but whoever nails this one is also going to be one of my heroes.

    1. Michael Lomazow says:

      Jim,
      I guess the prevailing opinion is that it’s flowers but I, like you am not convinced.I find it disconcerting to have to try and unravel the meaning of the cartoon.My wife thinks it looks like like the representation for covid but why would G-d be passing out this dangerous item.Then again,why pass out flowers.I pointed out in one of my suggested captions that there are many things they could use rather than flowers,etc.If you figure out an answer,please let me know.

      1. Gerald Lebowitz says:

        Michael,

        Is the flower God’s way of later apologizing to Moses for the severity of His commandments? The trick is to make Him human, capable of a pratfall or a regret. No?

  63. Kyle Gerstel says:

    “The burning bush was a fire hazard.”

  64. Marv Sager says:

    “Maybe next time I can talk directly to you instead of TALKING TO THE HAND!”

  65. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    “Devoid of empathy, incapable of humility, and unfamiliar with what means to suffer consequences, Trump behaved and spoke in ways most would never dare.”

    –From : “Insurgency: How Republicans Lost Their Party and Got Everything They Ever Wanted” by Jeremy W. Peters.

  66. Dale Stout says:

    These are for Rosenbloom.

  67. Dale Stout says:

    I miss bagels but you don’t bring me flours anymore.

  68. Dale Stout says:

    We can’t make bricks without hay fever.

  69. Dale Stout says:

    I beg your pardon, I never promised you a Rosen Garden.

  70. Dale Stout says:

    We deliver anywhere free in a 100 cubit radius.

  71. Dale Stout says:

    Since you parted the Red Sea, these are from FTD.

  72. Marv Sager says:

    “Instead of talking over flowers, let’s belly up to the nearest bar!”

  73. Michael Lomazow says:

    “You had me at ‘Be Fruitful And Multiply’.”

  74. Michael Lomazow says:

    “This is a desert,not the Garden of Eden.”

  75. Dale Stout says:

    Are those DaffyDale’s?

    1. Marv Sager says:

      Dale,

      These “BUDS” are for you!

      1. Dale Stout says:

        Marv,

        We’re best ‘Buds’ :^) thanks, Dale

        1. Marv Sager says:

          Dale,

          I’ll drink to that! 🙂

  76. Michael Lomazow says:

    “There’s no one else around.How about a good peek of you?

    1. Michael Lomazow says:

      “There’s no one else around.How about a good look at you?”

  77. Marv Sager says:

    “Could you provide a MIRACLE ELEVATOR to help LIFT MY SPIRITS?”

  78. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    “I don’t mean to be nosy, but is that a posey?”

  79. Marv Sager says:

    “No Roundup fertilizer was used in the growth of these flowers!”

  80. Michael Lomazow says:

    “Do you happen to have any decongestant?”

  81. Marv Sager says:

    “Each member of my tribe will be passed one flower, then we will commence with PASSOVER CELEBRATIONS!”

  82. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    There’s a saying in finance, often attributed to the economist John Maynard Keynes: “The market can stay irrational longer than you can remain solvent.”

    In other words, turning out to be right doesn’t do much good if you run out of money first.

  83. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    Michael,

    Everything has a positive side if one looks hard enough.

    For example, gas prices have gotten so high here in the U. S. that even the coronavirus has stopped traveling.

  84. Marv Sager says:

    “Now people may call me a PROPHET SEEKER. But I will make no money from these flowers!”

  85. Dale Stout says:

    Aaron gets the flowers and I got the shaft?

  86. Dale Stout says:

    I didn’t know you invented Miracle Grow.

  87. Dale Stout says:

    Are you sure there’s nothing up your sleeve?

  88. Lee Lacewell says:

    “So I was supposed to have delivered a third tablet labeled 11-15?”

  89. Dale Stout says:

    It’s our fortieth anniversary.

  90. Dale Stout says:

    I always thought life was like a box of chocolates.

  91. Dale Stout says:

    Have you been to Hobby Lobby?

  92. Dale Stout says:

    I’m dying to know why the flowers.

  93. Marv Sager says:

    “Count your BLESSINGS, not just your flowers!”

  94. Marv Sager says:

    “These flowers are real, not just a SLEIGHT OF HAND!”

  95. Marv Sager says:

    “Call me stingy, but I can only HANDle so many flowers at one time!”

  96. Marv Sager says:

    “I used a rain cloud & hydroponics to produce these NEBULOUS FLOWERS!”

  97. Marv Sager says:

    “A flower by any other name is not necessarily a rose!”

  98. Marv Sager says:

    “Smell the sensuous flowers and POLLINATE your nasal cavities!”

  99. Michael Lomazow says:

    Gerald,
    We got our 2nd booster shot(4th overall shot) so we are certainly trying our best to keep the virus away.On another subject,I see the Yankees opening day game has been postponed due to bad weather.Is it a big storm?I actually prefer the rain to the intense heat we are getting for the next couple of days here in Riverside,close to 100 degrees.The dogs love the sprinklers ,though.Hope you are feeling well and happy Passsover.

  100. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    “I’ll take it, although truthfully I would have preferred an olive branch.”

  101. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    Michael,

    Thanks for the update. I had been thinking of writing to your dogs directly for information. Yes, the Yankees opening has been postponed till tomorrow, although I really don’t know why. The reason given was “inclement weather,” although the weather for tomorrow and Saturday is supposed to be almost as cruddy as today’s. There’s been a lot rain here, accompanied by strong winds. The weather, as well as everything else, has been upended. We can’t blame the new patterns on Trump except to say that if he were still president, nothing at all would’ve even have been thought of to fight global warming.

    Do you ever feel a little guilty for taking Dr. Schwartz away from his medical practice to create cartoons for us to ponder? Sometimes I wish other artists would also take a shot at creating the art that we use as backgrounds for our words. I even think that you could do very well without a cartoon, riffing on the news of the day to create wonderful humor. And I keep thinking that one evening I’ll click on “Jeopardy” to see your wife in for Mayim Bialik, egging the contestants on. I’m sure she’d be a smash there, just as you are here.

    Thanks for everything.

    1. Michael Lomazow says:

      Gerald,
      Thanks for writing back.My wife use to accompany me to court,particularly when I needed to travel to an out of town location.Besides trips we took out of state to far away courts,we traveled a lot within California.On one particular occasion,we were in a small court in Northern California.I NEEDED TO LEAVE THE COURT TO TALK TO THE PROSECUTOR so I asked my wife to sit in the court and wait for me.When I returned,I found my wife standing in front of the judges chair speaking to his honor,who had apparently invited my wife up to talk.I guess the surprised look on my face caused the judge to ask me if I was surprised.I told him that the only surprise was that she wasn’t wearing his robes by now.The judge treated me particularly well after that

      1. Gerald Lebowitz says:

        Michael,

        I’d be surprised if anyone didn’t treat you well. You never blow your own horn yet you and your wife are very open and bright and absorb the essence of most situations without letting your egos block the picture, like the person who saw that the emperor really wasn’t wearing any clothes. Most people can be blinded by doubletalk and flattery. That great imposter, Ferdinand Demara, was once asked how he was able to fool so many people, and his answer was that most of those he fooled could be flattered to the point where their doubts about him vanished.

        P.S. The Yankees beat the Red Sox 6-5 in 11 innings today.

  102. Jim Gorman says:

    “Fragrant herbage? Does this mean we have a deal?”

  103. Marv Sager says:

    “I use my hand for flowers, not to SLAP DOWN comedians!”

  104. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    Michael,

    I once said that you could never go far wrong if you bet against what I say. This apparently also applies to weather forecasting. Where is the “inclement weather” that I predicted as a cause for the postponement of the Yankees opener? The sun is out as I write this morning. Not a cloud in the sky. No wind. The temperature is in the high fifties, warm for this time of year. A perfect day for a baseball opener.

    So don’t ever go by what I say.

    All the Yankees have to do today is pick up their bats and play.

    Best always.

  105. Marv Sager says:

    “I teach – you preach – no breach – a peach of a deal decorated with flowers!”

  106. Gereald Lebowitz says:

    “I often have a problem distinguishing between what is a blessing and what is a curse. Now is that a beautiful flower that you’re offering me or is it the coronavirus?”

  107. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    Many years ago, anthropologist Margaret Mead was asked by a student what she considered to be the first sign of civilization in a culture. The student expected Mead to talk about crafting fishhooks or creating clay pots or grinding stones.

    But no. Mead said that the first sign of civilization in an ancient culture was a femur (thighbone) that had been broken and then healed. Mead explained that in the animal kingdom, if you break your leg, you die. You cannot run from danger, get to the river for a drink or hunt for food. You are meat for prowling beasts. No animal survives a broken leg long enough for the bone to heal.

    A broken femur that has healed is evidence that someone has taken time to stay with the one who fell, has bound up the wound, has carried the person to safety and has tended the person through recovery. Helping someone else through difficulty is where civilization starts, Mead said.

    1. Michael Lomazow says:

      Gerald,
      Very interesting.

  108. Marv Sager says:

    “Are you now a believer in DIVINE FLOWER POWER?”

  109. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    “I know that a rose by any other name would smell as sweet, but what do you call that?”

  110. Marv Sager says:

    “These flowers make for a beautiful MORNING GLORY!”

  111. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    “I don’t think that flower was meant for me. I’m really Charlton Heston.”

    1. Marv Sager says:

      Gerald,

      From my COLD DEAD HANDS! (That’s what Charlton Heston would say.)

    2. Jim Gorman says:

      Gerald, going back to your Margret Mead reference, I’ve often wondered what she’d have thought about Charlton Heston’s Planet of the Apes offering.

      1. Gerald Lebowitz says:

        Jim,

        From what little I know, Margaret Mead never officially took a moral position on any aspect of human behavior, preferring to study different societies and the imprinting which established different roots in each one. She was criticized in her later years for trying to bring modern values into some of the older cultures she studied. I guess she would conclude that we all reflect the opportunities of expression encouraged by the societies we are born into, that culture determines identity. I’ve often thought that we’re really all one person making believe that we’re separated. The beloved Hasidic Rabbi Menachem Mendel in the 1800’s once strangely said, “If I am I because you are you, and you are you because I am I, then I am not I and you are not you.”

        Thanks for your question. I wish I knew more in order to better answer.

  112. Rabbi Stephen Weiss says:

    Moses, when I said bring flour to the Tabernacle as a sacrifice, I meant F-L-O-U-R.

  113. Andrea Chassen says:

    For the Spring 2022 issue caption contest:

    So this Flower Power is a thing ?

  114. Marv Sager says:

    “With such beautiful flowers, I was expecting a BOWTIE RIBBON!”

  115. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    Did you know that Donald Trump’s frame of reference has always been the movies?

    As a very young man, he had dreams of making it big in Hollywood. He initially wanted to attend USC, not the Wharton School, and enroll in film school. Trump once recalled how his life might have taken a different turn if he had done this. But he would ultimately cave to his father and pursue real estate as a developer of houses and apartment buildings. He also adopted his father’s concept of masculinity, which had been formed in the 1940’s.

    Instead of following his passion for the arts, Trump joined the successful family business. After he branched out on his own in real estate, he liked to tell people that he approached the business with the movies in mind.

    “I brought Hollywood into the real estate business,” he often liked to say, somewhat wistfully.

  116. Lee Lacewell says:

    “Night after night I stand here alone,
    Weeping my heart out til the cold gray dawn,
    Praying that you’re lonely and you’ll come here too,
    Hoping by chance just to catch a glimpse of you.

    John Ramistella
    AKA, Johnny Rivers
    From Mountain of Love

  117. Marv Sager says:

    “With those flowers & enough flour, I could pair them together as an UPSIDE-DOWN FLORAL CAKE!”

  118. “Seriously? That’s supposed to make us the chosen people?”

  119. Michael Lomazow says:

    Took the dogs with us for lunch at our friends house..Their yard has a nice pool which Abby took one look at and proceeded to take a running dive into It.She had done this at a pool at a hotel a couple of years ago so I should have been prepared.She swam for a couple of minutes and then used the stairs and came out,rolling in the grass.At that point,she wanted to eat.

    1. Gerald Lebowitz says:

      Abby sounds more dignified than some people I know, certainly deserving of respect.

      1. Michael Lomazow says:

        She is hysterically funny and so sweet……She sits on her haunches and watches TV intently….She is a big MSNBC fan.

        1. Gerald Lebowitz says:

          What are her favorite TV shows? Her favorite movies? News sources? Sports stars? Is she dogmatic about her choices? (Sorry. Couldn’t resist.) Is her bark worse than her bite?

          Next time I’ll ask her directly without having to bother someone else.

  120. Marv Sager says:

    “My mission in life will include this meeting in DAISY LAND!”

  121. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    Dear Abby,

    I’ve been meaning to write you. Michael has been proudly talking about all the things you like to do, and I’m impressed.

    By the way, what is your relationship with Michael and his family? Are you really part of it or just a pet? I really can’t see you as someone owned, because the way you’re described reveals a conscious person, proud of her successes and pleasures and able to contribute a great deal to the family she’s part of. In other words, I can’t see you as anyone’s property. You’re your own person, equal to anyone else in the family.

    I don’t want to take up any more of your time, but I am curious about some of your pleasures, such as what food and music you like. Firms like Purina might be willing to pay well for an endorsement. Do you like classical or show music? By the way, if you have time, I’d suggest you might enjoy Downton Abbey (no relation), a drama on PBS about life in an upper-class British family over six seasons.

    If you don’t have time in your busy schedule to respond, a pawprint will do instead of a printed post or autograph.

    Rest assured, Michael has certainly made you famous in our rather small circle.

  122. Lee Lacewell says:

    For some reason I picture Abbey as a red or blond Retriever or Spaniel?

  123. Michael Lomazow says:

    Gerald,
    Thanks for inquiring about me.I eat Hills Science Diet,which I know is ordered for me online.I also get organic Turkey slices.I am treated as a family member and in fact,I feel like I run the show.I am more of a visual person than a music person so rather than music,I enjoy TV,PARTICULARLY shows with animals.The only thing I don’t enjoy is going to the vet.In the next couple of weeks,my teeth need a cleaning and the procedure will require me to be put To sleep.Oh well,everything can’t be perfect.All in all,life is pretty damn good.

    1. Gerald Lebowitz says:

      Abby,

      Thanks for the quick response. I know that you’re really the star of the family and that you take care of everyone, who would be lost without you. Being with you on walks keeps them physically fit, and I know that’s what you intend. May I make a small suggestion?

      Ask Michael if he can sign you up for Social Security to protect you in the future. Life changes, and you’ll have to be helped when you get older. For one thing, organic dog food is expensive, and you deserve to be able to afford the very best. Also tell Michael about Date My Pet, a great dog dating site especially designed for those who hate online dating but an enterprise that might provide you with a mate and ease your loneliness. Although Michael at first might be a little jealous, he’ll see the benefits of your being less dependent on him. As you know, he’s a very smart man and can see all sides of any issue.

      I must confess, Abby, that I’m a little jealous of you, romping and enjoying the wonderful weather on the West coast while we in the East are freezing without adequate heat. But Abby, you’re an inspiration to us all. You make living a dog’s life sound like paradise!

      Love to everyone in your household. Because of you, they’ll all live to very ripe old ages!

      1. Michael Lomazow says:

        Gerald,
        Thanks from Abby.

  124. Lee Lacewell says:

    My 14 year old tear filled eyed grandaughter came to our door one afternoon holding a 1 year old blond Cocker Spaniel named Abbey.
    She had been visiting a friend down the street and Abbey (her friend’s dog) had scratched the new swimming pool liner at her friends house by trying to climb out of the pool. Her friends father came home and when he saw the scratches he began threatening to shoot Abbey. My grandaughter picked up Abbey and ran down the street to our house. The father yelled to her “I don’t ever want to see that dog ever again.”
    That was 9 years ago and Abbey has lived a very comfortable life with us. She continues to be very much a member of our family.

    1. Michael Lomazow says:

      Lee,
      A very lucky dog.Good for you!I love stories like that.They are all G-D’creatures,just a little better than us.

  125. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    According to a new NBC news poll, Joe Biden’s approval ratings have plunged to the lowest level of his presidency, bad news for Democrats, especially those hoping that they can retain a majority in the Senate and good news for Mitch McConnell, who hopes to re-take the crown of leadership if he can only restrain Trump from using his big mouth and spoiling his chance. Yes, we do live in interesting times.

  126. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    “Is that a real flower or a fake one that splashes people who admire it with water? I’m a little tired of all your jokes, Lord.”

  127. Dale Stout says:

    I got these at Bloomingdale’s.

  128. Dale Stout says:

    Forget-me-not

  129. Dale Stout says:

    There’s a card, “Ben Schwartz sends his love. Could you please send bagels?”

    1. Marv Sager says:

      Back of the card, “Ben Schwartz LOVES that Dale STOUT BEER, it gives you that FOAMY-PUN(GENT) SMILE!”

      1. Dale Stout says:

        Marv – I love the foamy beer PUN(GENT) comment-thank you :^) -Dale

        1. Marv Sager says:

          Dale,

          You’re more than welcome. Everyone loves your puns!
          I try every so often to add a few (silly) words to your puns as a “REWARD!”
          Sometines a HAPPY FACE is included! 🙂 🙂 🙂

  130. Marv Sager says:

    “GOD, do not give me more than I can HANDLE! Flowers are lightweight, so it’s O.K.!”

    1. Gerald Lebowitz says:

      Marv,

      Every time I look at your great post, I read “hondle” instead of “handle”: “God, do not give me more than I can hondle.” Isn’t that what a warped Jewish background can produce?

      1. Marv Sager says:

        Gerald,

        We should “HONDLE” this with care!

  131. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    Abby,

    Writing to you has made me aware of many reasons why I might be jealous of YOU. Here are six:

    1) If something itches, you can scratch it, even in public. Can I?
    2) You don’t have to bathe or take a shower every day like me.
    3) You don’t need to be entertained in some fancy or expensive way. A bone makes you happy.
    4) You never have to pay for meals Or practice good table manners. I do.
    5) You can spend all day sleeping it you wish. I could never get away with that.
    6) You have a trusted and very wise friend to make all the important decisions.
    7) And last but not least, if you gain weight, it’s somebody else’s fault!

    So, Abby, who really has it better?
    To borrow one of Michael’s expressions, I rest my case.

    1. Michael Lomazow says:

      Gerald,
      I also have someone who picks up any waste,no matter where I go.That’s what I call empowering.

  132. Michael Lomazow says:

    Lee,
    I adopted Abby about six years ago.She was found running on a street in a rural area and appeared to be about 4 months old.She was running with another dog who I also adopted and who I named Winston.I have two other dogs as well.Prior to them,I had a golden retreiver who passed at age 15,who I loved dearly.Abby is tan colored and appears to be a mix between a chihuahua and terrier but I’m not really sure.I haven’t done a dna test.She is about 20 pounds .Winston looks to be a poodle mix,very Handsome!I also have a couple of labs but Abby is the boss and seems to enjoy swimming even more than the labs.

    1. Lee Lacewell says:

      You undoubtedly have a very good group of dogs.
      The mixed breeds are usually special in terms of intelligence and usually have a unique appearance. Sounds as if your group gets along great. They are generally much smarter than they get credit for.
      They know when they are cared for and they know who cares for them.
      I wish the human race would take a lesson from the k9 kingdom when it comes to getting along. It’s a shame that the most vicious and lethal dogs are that way because of human interference.
      Some days I am embarrasment to be human.

      1. Gerald Lebowitz says:

        Lee,

        Isn’t dog behavior or that of other animals a reflection of how these animals have been treated? We’re all reflections of the communities we come from, whether we’re animals or human beings. Someone once asked the writer Stephen Crane what the people would be like in the certain area he was heading for. Crane asked him what they were like in the area he had just left, and when the man described them, Crane told him that wherever he went, he’d meet the same kinds of people. I believe that in a very deep sense we are all mirrors.

        So any animals that Michael has have got to be resourceful and kind because he treats them with deep respect.

  133. Michael Lomazow says:

    Lee,
    It’s hard to find a bad dog and when you do,it’s almost always a humans fault.

    1. Lee Lacewell says:

      Gerald and Michael,
      I agree completely.

  134. Deanna Young says:

    “I admit it, Moishele, it’s not stone … and it’s got no letters. But its fragrance is magnificent… and you all desperately need to smell good right now.”

    With smiles,
    Deanna Young, Boulder, Colorado

  135. Marv Sager says:

    “Can you send down an ANGEL for my shoulder. I will need further guidance in my adventures!”

  136. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    New York City celebrated a new hero on Wednesday: a 21-year-old Syrian who moved to the United States five years ago, speaks five languages and lives in Jersey City, New Jersey.

    The man, Zach Tahhan, a security camera technician whose name has been spelled in varying ways on social media, said he was working on updating equipment at a shop near St. Marks Place and First Avenue in Manhattan’s East Village, when he saw Frank R. James, the man implicated in the mass subway shooting, through one of the security cameras.

    In an impromptu news conference to a crowd of reporters and bystanders on Wednesday afternoon, Tahhan said: “I thought, ‘Oh my God, this is the guy, we need to get him.’ He was walking down the street, I see the car of the police, I said, ‘Yo, this is the guy!’”

    Tahhan said he ran out onto the street, following the suspect and warning those around him to keep their distance. “People think I am crazy, like maybe I am on drugs. But I’m not. I’m fasting,” he said, in reference to his observation of Ramadan.

    The police have said they received a tip that James had been in a McDonald’s not quite two blocks away, and were searching for him in the area. Two law enforcement officials with knowledge of the investigation said it appeared that James had called the tip line himself.

    The police have not yet confirmed whether Tahhan’s action led to James’ arrest.

    But Tahhan’s upbeat demeanor and charismatic energy made him a sensation on social media. There is now a hashtag #ThankYouZack trending that people are using to share clips and videos of his news conference.

    Others are also claiming a role in leading the police to James, which carries a $50,000 reward.

    In an interview, Francisco Puebla, manager of Saifee, a hardware and garden store on First Avenue at Seventh Street, took a gentle dig at Tahhan, whom he had hired to help upgrade the store’s security camera system.

    “He’s all over social media,” Puebla, 46, said, throwing his arms outward in a gesture apparently signifying bigness. “But I’m the one who took action.”

    Puebla said he saw a burly man with a backpack walking slowly up First Avenue. He felt panic, he said, and feared calling the police because he didn’t want to be wrong. “I don’t want to put someone in trouble,” Puebla said.

    But when a police car happened to stop for a the red light at the corner. Puebla said, he walked to it, waved and said, “Police officer, I might be wrong but the guy that did the shooting is right in the middle of the block.”

    Moments later, several police cars converged on James just to the north.

    A New York portrait painter, Lee Vasu, also said he alerted the police.

    Vasu told the website Artnet that after having lunch at Cafe Mogador on St. Marks Place near First Avenue with his mother, wife and 8-month-old daughter, he spotted the suspect walking. Vasu said he went up to a police car that was parked on First Avenue to point out James’ location, and within seconds police cars started arriving from every direction.

    As the drama of life unfolds, it appears that the once famous New York City comedian Jimmy Durante was on target with his catchphrase “Everybody wants to get into the act.”

    One day’s hero may very well turn out to be the next day’s goat.

  137. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    Matzoh symbolizes bread that didn’t have time to rise when the Jews had to hurriedly flee Egypt. That’s what an Orthodox storekeeper once explained to me during the holiday of Passover.

    But although he was strict, he had a twinkle in his eyes. “We are suspicious at this time,” he said, “of anything that rises.

    He concluded: “That is why we would never sell Viagra, especially now.”

  138. Susanna Levin says:

    I climbed all the way up here just for this?!

  139. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    Then of course there’s the classic Passover story of the rabbi sitting on a park bench during Passover, eating his matzoh lunch when he notices a hungry looking blind man on the next bench. Feeling sorry for him, the rabbi offers him a piece of matzoh, which the man gratefully accepts.

    But then the rabbi sees the blind man running his fingers feverishly over the matzoh and growing more and more agitated. Finally the rabbi can’t retrain himself any longer. “Why are you growing so upset?” he asks.

    “Why shouldn’t I be?” the blind man answers. “This newspaper has nothing but bad news in it today.”

  140. Marv Sager says:

    “Our enemies are now PLAGUED by the fact that we have received heavenly flowers.”

  141. Michael Lomazow says:

    Happy Passover and Easter.

  142. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    Corresponding with the President

    The President of the United States gets 100,000 emails a week as well as 65,000 handwritten letters. You can request a special greeting for a birthday, wedding, anniversary or retirement by writing to The White House, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW, Washington, DC 20500.

    Good luck.

  143. Marv Sager says:

    “I assume these flowers are blessed which would save me the trouble!”

  144. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    Three ladies getting on in years were discussing the travails of growing older as they were having lunch together.

    One said, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, in front of the refrigerator, and I can’t remember whether I was taking it out or putting it back.”

    The second lady said, “Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs, and I can’t remember whether I was on my up, or on my way down.”

    The third lady chimed in, “Well, I’m glad I don’t have any of those problems. Knock on wood.” With that, she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, “That must be the door. I’ll get it.”

    (Thanks, Rebecca)

  145. Lee Lacewell says:

    Caption:
    “If I’m understanding you correctly, I need to give these flowers to my wife and admit that forty years of not taking her advice in asking for directions was a mistake?”

  146. Lee Lacewell says:

    Caption:

    “Last time I was here you gave me two tablets and said I should call you in the morning.”

  147. Marv Sager says:

    “Is this the 11th commandment? Thou shall have no other flowers before me!”

  148. “The Israelites want something a little more substantial.”

  149. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    Major Evans: Just what do you have in mind, Marshal?

    Matt Dillon (Marshal of Dodge City, Kansas): I’ll have to tell you later, if it works.

    Major Evans: I just hope you know what you’re doing.

    Matt Dillon: Major, does a man ever know?

    (Gunsmoke, Episode 89: “The Gun Smuggler”)

    1. Jim Gorman says:

      When I look back on it, all these years later, I believe Matt Dillon was one of the best role models this baby boomer could have asked for.

      1. Gerald Lebowitz says:

        Jim,

        Thanks for your response. James Arness, who played Matt Dillon in the Western series, had originally been recommended for the part by his friend John Wayne. Arness had previously acted in that great S-F film of the 1960’s, “The Thing from Another World” but had not gotten too far after that in his career until he got his role in the series; he is not related to the contemporary not-as-good actor and director also improbably also named Matt Dillon.

        We all have role models that help us mature, don’t we? I’m glad you picked a good one; you certainly turned out great.

  150. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    “That men would die was a matter of necessity. Which men would die, though, was a matter of circumstance, and Yossarian was willing to be the victim of anything but circumstance. But this was war. Just all he could find in its favor was that it paid well and liberated children from the pernicious influence of their parents.”

    –Catch-22, Joseph Heller

  151. Lee Lacewell says:

    “You showed me a long time ago what a desert can do to my soul.”

    “But it did’t really take me anywhere, anywhere I didn’t already want to go.”

    “I get an easy peaceful feeling and I know you won’t let me down,”

    “Cause I’m already standin, always standin on your ground.”

    Eagles, “Easy peaceful feeling, modified.”

  152. Marv Sager says:

    “I could write a journal of my trepidations. If I titled it, MY STRUGGLE, then they might conclude I am a SICK LEADER!”

  153. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    A flying saucer pulls into Earth’s orbit and begins to check us out. Two aliens are at the controls.

    One says, “This is interesting They have a lot of nuclear weapons.”

    The other says, “Really? Do you think it’s a sign of intelligent life?”

    The first replies, “I’m afraid not. They’re all aimed at themselves.”

  154. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    “Storks live long lives. They can reach the age of seventy, and when they mate, they mate for life. Younger adult storks feed their elders and offer their extended wings as a crutch to enfeebled parents. Ancient Romans called this loving care of the elderly antipelargia. The Roman senate was so impressed with the stork’s generous nature that it passed legislation titled Lex Ciconaria, or the Stork’s Law. This law obligated adults to care for their elderly parents “in imitation of the stork.”

    —From “Backbone” by Karen Duffy

  155. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    Did you know? Damage to the brain caused by a lack of blood flow is called
    a “stroke” because in the seventeenth century it was widely believed that the sufferer
    had actually been “struck” by the hand of God.

    1. Marv Sager says:

      Gerald,

      Only “NAZI HUNTERS” like Vladimir Putin should get a STROKE!

  156. Marv Sager says:

    “I was born under the SIGN OF CANCER. Is there a flower cure for my troubles?”

  157. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    I can hear at least a few of you groaning, “Uh oh, is this guy submitting another post? Doesn’t he have better things to do?” But what I am is an appreciator, especially of writers like Michael, Stephen, Lee, and Marv here on this site. (I also used to like Marvin, but he’s no longer with us.) And when I appreciate something, I like to share it. That’s my nature.

    Of course I also appreciate my ability to be able to appreciate.

    Anyway, here’s another interesting piece of writing I came across and want to share:

    “In the early 1900’s the Hammerstein Theater featured performing dogs, monkey acts, and a human billed as ‘Sober Sue, The Girl Who Never Laughed.’ The producers offered a $199 cash prize to the person who could make Sue crack a smile. At first, audience members went on stage and told their funniest jokes and made their craziest faces. Then professional comedians took the challenge and performed their best material. The act was wildly popular, and it was a lucrative move by the producer, as the audience was entertained by the best comedy of the day.

    “No one ever won the prize for making Sue crack a smile. The reason was not a poorly developed sense of humor but the fact that her face was paralyzed. She had Mobius Syndrome, a condition caused by by the development of abnormal cranial nerves, which results in a permanent mask-like expression.

    “Sober Sue was paid twenty dollars a week, which was a very decent wage at the time, especially for sitting in a chair all day and not laughing. Today Sue could have had a very good career as a hospital chaplain or mortician.”

    Was this such a bad entry? If so, I apologize until the next one.

    1. Lee Lacewell says:

      Gerald,
      I, for one, look forward to your post. Especially the humorous stories like the senior ladies that were having trouble remembering. I share those stories with my wife and they bring smiles and a grins to both of us. Keep posting! A light hearted post is most welcome during these days of depressing news stories.

    2. Marv Sager says:

      Gerald,

      I talked to Marvin about his abrupt leaving of his MOMENT POST. He indicated that he was compelled to leave because too many women were leaving their husbands
      because of his SEXY INNUENDOS. So Marvin took a leave of absence without pay to seek out these disgruntled women. Of course, these women demanded more from Marvin, but I am not at liberty to reveal their outcomes. All in all, Marvin is doing a great service (If you get my drift) in easing the heartaches of these women!

      So, for better or worse, I will be available to somehow fill the void. I will earnestly try to do a good job, and perhaps you will take it easy on me. THANKS! –MARV.

      1. Gerald Lebowitz says:

        It’s easy to remember. Marv is in, and MarVIN is out.

        But both of them will always be treasured for their humor and creativity and warmth.

  158. Dale Stout says:

    Pardon me, do you have any bouquet Groupon?

  159. Marv Sager says:

    “From the tranquil essence of your flowers, I feel HIGHER THAN A KITE!”

  160. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    Lee,

    Thanks for the response. The funniest stories, you know, come from real -life situations, like the one a neighbor had when trying to disconnect her mother’s phone and listening to the Verizon representative tell her that since the phone was in her father’s name, only he would have to be the one to discontinue the service. Patiently she tried explaining to him that that would be impossible since her father had died thirty-five years ago. But to no avail. Finally she said, “I have a solution. If my mother just stopped paying, you’d just have to stop the service, wouldn’t you?”

    The representative snapped back: “But you just can’t do that. That would ruin your father’s credit.”

    1. Lee Lacewell says:

      In similar fashion, after my mother inlaw passed away last year I phoned to cancel her television cable service and arrange
      to return the cable box and remotes.
      I informed the customer service rep that she had passed away and that I needed a return shipping label to return the equipment. The representative ask me to hold for a minute so he could discuss the situation with his boss. Upon returning to the phone he ask if my mother inlaw would agree to continue the service if the company gave her six free months of HBO.

      1. Michael Lomazow says:

        Does anyone have this problem?All of my past posts are still on my moment cite from as far back as over two years ago..Each also says awaiting moderation.Is this problem unique to me and how do I get rid of the posts?They are all grouped together.I am computer illiterate.BTW,I’m using an iPad.

  161. Marv Sager says:

    “Counting my LUCKY STARS will now come second to counting my LUCKY PETALS!”

  162. Michael Lomazow says:

    Please see my last post.

  163. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    “Is that a trick flower that squirts your face with water when you look at it? I’ve had enough of your practical jokes, G-d.”

  164. Marv Sager says:

    “Can we make this conversation short? I see a swarm of BEES heading this way!”

  165. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    “The hardest and most meaningful times in our lives resist moralizing because they contain everything. Focus on the joy, and you will be lying about the pain. Focus on the pain, and you will only be telling half the truth.”

    –Valerie Biden Owens

  166. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    An elderly man was sitting on a bench in the park when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him.

    The boy’s hair was yellow, green, purple and orange. He had black makeup around his eyes.

    The elderly man kept staring at him.

    Finally the boy said, “What’s the matter, old man? Haven’t you ever done anything wild in your life?”

    The old man thought for a moment and then answered, “Well, yes. Actually, I have. I once got drunk and had sex with a peacock.

    “I was just wondering if you were my son.”

    There’s no record of the young man’s response.

  167. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    A farmer owns thirty young hens and one old rooster. As he feels that the old rooster can no longer handle his job effectively, the farmer brings one young rooster from the market.

    The old rooster takes the young rooster aside. “Welcome to join me. We’ll both work together to do our jobs.”

    The young rooster answers, “What do you mean? As far as I can see, you’re old and should be retired.”

    “If you feel that way,” the old rooster responds, “I challenge you to a competition. If I win you have to allow me to have one hen. If I lose you will have them
    all.”

    The young rooster is puzzled. “What kind of competition?”

    “A fifty-meter run. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start the first ten meters before you.”

    The next morning the young rooster allows the old rooster to start off early, but when the old rooster crosses the ten meter mark the young rooster chases him with all his might.
    Soon enough, he’s right behind the old rooster in a matter of seconds.

    Suddenly, there’s a big bang. Before he can overtake the old rooster, he’s shot dead by the farmer,
    who curses,

    “Hell, this is the fifth gay rooster I’ve brought back this week.”

    1. Lee Lacewell says:

      Good one.

  168. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    “Christianity made the continent of Europe fetid. When Christians exiled the Greek and Roman gods, they tossed the Greco-Roman tradition of bathing out with the bathwater. Early Christians believed that cleansing the body was a pagan rite and ungodly. It wasn’t until the Renaissance that water-based rituals reappeared.”

    –Karen Duffy

  169. Marv Sager says:

    “Now do I receive a FLOWER MAGAZINE subscription with my bouquet?”

  170. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    From “The Prison Minyan” by Jonathan Stone, a novel about Otisville, America’s Jewish prison where Michael Cohen, Trump’s fixer-attorney, was sentenced for incarceration after trial:

    “If you grow up slowly realizing how hateful you are, and you are smart and aware enough to know you’re going to have to hide that hate as shrewdly as you can in order to survive with it, then it’s understandable, and arguably ingenious, to gravitate to the rabbinate, where all the talk is of doing good.”

  171. Lee Lacewell says:

    Caption:

    ” Anonychia is not so awfully bad if you consider the time and money you save on nail trimming.”

    1. Jim Gorman says:

      Thank you Lee, That’s the thing about this contest. I am ever expanding my vocabulary, Anonychia, I never knew.

      1. Lee Lacewell says:

        I had to google it .

  172. Jim Gorman says:

    While I’m here, congratulations Michael , on your turkey minora caption win Better late than neve I guess.

    1. Michael Lomazow says:

      Jim,
      Thankyou.I appreciate it.

  173. Marv Sager says:

    “The next time someone calls me a FARSHTUNKENER, I will point to the flowers!”

  174. Marv Sager says:

    “During the day I will now count flowers (with my shepherd’s hook) along with counting sheep!
    At night I probably will just go to sleep, tired from counting!”

  175. Max Weintraub says:

    With my hay fever, you should give me a dandelion?

  176. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    Did you hear about the guy who got a new computer and was soon asked to supply a password in order to get into a site that he thought would be interesting. He came up with “mypenis.”

    But the poor fellow was soon informed that it was rejected because it was too short.

  177. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    A guy suspects his wife is cheating on him, so he comes home early from work one day. His wife meets him at the door in a bathrobe, her hair a mess. “

    Where is he?” he demands. “Where’s the guy who’s been sleeping with you?”

    “I don’t know what you’re talking about, dear,” she answers, so the guy tears the house apart looking for him. Finally he’s on the second floor in the kitchen, he looks out the window and sees a guy sitting in a Volkswagen. “That’s him,” the guy thinks. “That’s the guy who’s been sleeping with my wife!” He’s so furious, he picks up the refrigerator, throws it out the window, has a heart attack, and dies.

    St. Peter meets him at the Gates of Heaven. “Why are you here?” he asks and the guy answers, “I knew my wife was cheating on me so I came home early. I saw her boyfriend sitting in his Volkswagen out on the street, threw the refrigerator at him, had a heart attack, and died.” St. Peter scowls and says, “You don’t belong here. Go to Hell.” He pulls a big lever, a trap door opens, and the guy disappears.

    A couple of minutes later another guy comes up to St. Peter at the Gates of Heaven. “What are you doing here?” St. Peter asks and the guy answers, “I don’t know! I was just sitting in my Volkswagen, minding my own business, when somebody threw a refrigerator at me!” St. Peter wags his finger at him and says, “I heard about you. You go to Hell too!” He pulls the big lever, the trap door opens, and the guy disappears.

    A couple of minutes later a third guy comes up to St. Peter at the Gates of Heaven. “What are you doing here?” St. Peter asks and the guy answers, “I don’t know! I was just sitting in a refrigerator, minding my own business …”

  178. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    Two young fish are enjoying a leisurely swim in the ocean when they see an older fish coming from the opposite direction.

    “How’s the water, boys?” he asks, and continues on his way.

    The two young fish resume their swim. After a couple of minutes, however, one of them turns to the other.

    “What the hell is water?” he asks the other, puzzled.

  179. Scott Benarde says:

    Dear God, the flowers are nice, but how about those tablets you promised?

  180. Marv Sager says:

    “If I become a stranger in paradise, will you take my hand?”

  181. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    “There is nowhere to hide. The leafing date of trees triggers the emergence of caterpillars, which determines when birds that feed on the caterpillars will lay their first eggs; even a slight shift in this equation can have cascading consequences. Bees typically take their cue to emerge from the temperature, while many plants take their cue to flower from the length of the day, causing another mismatch as springs and winters get warmer and warmer. One scientist says, “We’re getting this decoupling between pollinators and plants and that’s starting to mess up all these very delicate , very sophisticated food webs.”

    –From “The Insect Crisis” by Oliver Milman

  182. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    During the opening days of World War II a joke began making its way around the more cynical quarters of Berlin:

    “An airplane carrying Hitler, Goring and Goebbels crashes. All three are killed. Who are saved?”

    Answer: “The German people.”

    1. Lee Lacewell says:

      Gerald,
      Your postings lightened up the end of an otherwise trying day.

  183. Marv Sager says:

    “Your flowers have given me SMELLY THOUGHTS about a SWEET FUTURE!”

  184. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    Lee,

    I feel exactly the same about YOUR postings.

    Thanks again.

  185. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    “Jews have no idea what the hell they are doing in the kitchen. These people have no cuisine: celery, crackers, jam. I’m like, we’re losing people.

    “After breakfast, they fall apart, the Jews. After a bagel, cream cheese, lox, where they going? They got nothing. They have nothing. Has anybody ever said to you, ‘We went to this Jewish restaurant last night. The gefilte! Amazing?'”

    –Sebastian Maniscalco

  186. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    “Home is a place we all must find, child. It’s not just a place where you eat or sleep. Home is knowing. Knowing your mind, knowing your courage. If we know ourselves, we’re always home, anywhere.”

    –Glinda, the good witch, to Dorothy in “The Wizard of Oz.”

  187. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    Which is worse? Ignorance or apathy?

    If anyone asks you that question, tell that person:

    “I don’t know, and I don’t care.”

  188. Marv Sager says:

    “I am not ungrateful, but are there roses with long stems at the next higher level?”

  189. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    To ghost (definition): “To make headway slowly when there appears to be no wind.” (From “The Sailing Dictionary”)

    A riddle: What’s at the end of a great love affair?
    Answer: A survivor in love with a ghost.
    (by Barbara Lazear Ascher)

  190. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    “There are two things impossible to do right, raise children and govern nations.”

    –Sigmund Freud

  191. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    “Love cracks us open to the truth of who we are, a revelation with the caveat that we respond to what is revealed. It exhorts as Thomas does in the Gnostic gospels, “If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you.” We knew this to be true.

    –Barbara Lazear Ascher

  192. Marv Sager says:

    “Should I come back later for a song & dance? A real celebration!”

  193. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    “One of the huge mistakes people make is that they try to force an interest in themselves. You don’t choose your passion; your passion chooses you.”

    — Jeff Bezos

    1. Jim Gorman says:

      So what Jeff is really saying is that if I am particularly “interested” in beautifully curvaceous girls it is really they who have the hots for me?

  194. Marv Sager says:

    “I heard of shekels (pennies from heaven), but this is the first time there are flowers from heaven!”

  195. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    Jim,

    In a way, nobody lives in a vacuum. We project onto others what they project to us. It takes two to tango. But we can’t really take this to the extreme of saying, for example, that the black slaves in this country before the Civil War changed their lives personally asked to be in that situation. We can say, however, that a lot of us do get ourselves into scrapes and then blame others for their predicaments. According to screenwriter Bill Broyles, “Part of the love of war and violence stems from its being an experience of great intensity. It replaces the difficult gray areas of daily life with an eerie, serene clarity.”

    Similarly, according to a reporter’s account of the blitz in England during World War II, the citizens of London were “pulsating with life.”

  196. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    The previous post reminded me of the classic meeting of a masochist and a sadist.
    Masochist: “Hit me, hit me, hit me, please.”
    Sadist: “No!”

  197. Marv Sager says:

    “When receiving flowers at my age, COLOR BLINDNESS & SINUSITIS is a problem!”

  198. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a redneck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the redneck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.

    The jury was out an entire week and did return with the verdict of manslaughter.

    After the trial, the brother went to the redneck’s home, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000.

    The redneck replied that it had not been easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter.

    Most of them had wanted to let him go.

  199. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    Jim,

    Another thought: You must have studied Archimedes’ principle, that density can be determined by how much water an object displaces. In the same way, our value is obtained by how others respond to us, how much “water” we displace in out dealings with others. If no one laughs at a comedian’s jokes, for example, he’s not funny. This is why ineracting with other people on this site can be gratifying .

    What do you think? How much water did I displace with this post? In a vacuum I’d have no way of knowing.

  200. Marv Sager says:

    “Seeing you holding these flowers, my ADAM’S APPLE chokes me up!”

  201. Jim Gorman says:

    “Dry them out and put them in a scrapbook?” That’s the best you can do!

  202. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    A guy sees a sign in front of a house: “Talking Dog for Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

    The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

    “You talk?” he asks.

    “Yep,” the mutt replies.

    “So, what’s your story?”

    The mutt looks up and says, “Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.
    But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”

    The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

    The owner says, “Ten dollars.”

    The guy says, “This dog is fantastic. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”

    The owner stares at him disgustedly.

    “Don’t go by what he says. He’s just a goddamn g liar.”

    (Thanks, Rebecca)

  203. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    Two guys are out one afternoon on a lake when their boat starts sinking.

    Saul, a banker, says to his friend, “So listen, Morty, you know I don’t swim so well.” Morty remembers how to carry another swimmer from his lifeguard class when he was just a kid. So he begins tugging Saul toward shore. After twenty minutes, however, he begins to tire.

    Finally about 50 feet from shore, Morty asks Saul, “So Saul, do you suppose you could float alone?”

    Saul replies, “Morty, I know we’re friends, but this is a hell of a time to be asking for money.”

  204. Marv Sager says:

    “I’m so excited about the flowers that I can’t wait to eat dinner as a MANNA of choice!”

  205. Lee Lacewell says:

    “When I ask for a flower and you give me a bouquet!”

  206. Lee Lacewell says:

    “I ask for a flower and you give me a bouquet!”

  207. John Fiedler says:

    “Thanks, Lord, but a simple “thank you” would have sufficed.”

  208. Marv Sager says:

    “I now feel rich & filthy, or do I mean FILTHY RICH?”

  209. Lee Lacewell says:

    “All these years I was sure you had finger nails and I thought you were a lefty.”

  210. Lee Lacewell says:

    “I thought you were a lefty.”

    1. Jim Gorman says:

      I love it! Best yet.

      1. Lee Lacewell says:

        Thank you Jim, but I am not sure I would deserve credit for the caption.
        A similar 1993 Bob Mankoff cartoon shows a left hand descending from a cloud holding two stone tablets (Moses standing on a hill) with the caption:
        “Hey, what do you know-a lefty.”

        1. Lee Lacewell says:

          This moment issue flower cartoon drawn by Schwartz is very similar to 1993 Mankoff cartoon. Don’t know which came first. Each handing items
          ( either flowers or stone tablets) from a cloud to Moses.

          1. Jim Gorman says:

            It is said “There are no stories”, only existing themes, different words. I suppose it is also true of cartoons.

          2. Jim Gorman says:

            that should read “There are no new stories”

  211. Lee Lacewell says:

    “Is this a symbolic gesture meant to raise my awareness of the negative effects of future global warming or did you just decide to give me flowers today?”

  212. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    Overheard on a city bus:

    “When I was a kid my mother used to send me to the supermarket with just a couple of bucks and I’d bring her back bread, potatoes, milk, strawberries, and canned fish. But I can’t do that today.

    There are too many security cameras.”

  213. Paul Root Wolpe says:

    “Forty years in the desert with those people and you think FLOWERS are going to do it?”

  214. Marv Sager says:

    “I could have been a contender, or a pharoah, or just a mensch. Now I am just a WANDERER!”

  215. Marv Sager says:

    “Shall I tell it on this mountain, LET MY PEOPLE GO? But who will listen if I have only flowers?”

  216. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    “You know I’m allergic to pollen. Are you testing me?”

  217. Lee Lacewell says:

    “Mama remembered to tell me there’d be days like this, but forgot to warn me about the forty years of wandering in the desert?”

  218. Chava Kagan says:

    “I’ve been up here for 40 days – and you want me to smell the flowers??!”

    “They’ve made a Golden Calf down there – I don’t think Forget-Me-Nots will cut it!”

    “What is this, a peace offering?”

    “Uh, I don’t think they’ve invented proms yet…!”

  219. Marv Sager says:

    “This flowery date will be recorded as, CINCO DE HANDO!”

  220. Marv Sager says:

    “A handful of flowers is worth two in the BURNING BUSH!”

  221. Lee Lacewell says:

    “Sorry for my confused look…. but I have always pictured you as a lefty.”

  222. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    Michael and Lee,

    You should know by now to take anything I say with a grain of sea salt, but now President Biden is saying that his first priority before the midterm elections will be to conquer inflation.

    So what he will HAVE to do is reduce the money supply. That means reducing the money the public gets, including dropping the value of equities. The government has been pumping money into the country like crazy, which of course stokes inflation. This will have to stop. You cannot continue to supply liquor to drunks if you want them to give up their habit.

    Of course this strategy is dangerous to anyone looking to run for office, but the sooner Biden does this, the better, as we have more than two years to go before the next presidential election. By that time, it is hoped that the economy will have had time to recover and people’s resentments will have gotten hazy.

    But if there is any time to bring the nation out of its artificially induced sense of well-being, it has to be NOW.

    I hope you’re both ready to detox, to finally go cold turkey as the external stimulation almost comes to an end.

    Remember what my old friend, Marty Zweig, once said: “Don’t fight the Fed.”

    The Fed will no longer be on your side.

    1. Lee Lacewell says:

      Gerald,
      I for one pay close attention to your comments, both light hearted and serious.

      I, as many others fear that Biden’s mental and physical health is declining quickly. I also fear for the continued existence of the U.S. if Trump returns to office. I often wonder why, as a country, we cannot do a better job in selecting decent, mentally and physically healthy, sincere, qualified presidential canidates to run for office.

      I am probably the absolute worst person ever to give investment advice. Years ago I invested in natural gas and regretted it. Especially after big oil bought out all the natural gas companies. I resisted the urge to sell (with the hope that it would make a come back. Recent increases in NG have me thinking I may be able to recoup my investment and perhaps a little gain. I can’t really say it was a bad investment, but it certainly was not the best time and place to have invested.

  223. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    Henry David Thoreau has always appealed to us as a symbol of independence and as an example of the virtues of solitude and self-sufficiency.

    But did you know that his solitary cabin was on land owned by Ralph Waldo Emerson, his close neighbor, and that he often went to the Emersons’ for dinner? He also entertained many friends at his cabin and had his meals brought to him daily by — his mother.

    Oh, well. Another seemingly divine being stripped of his wings. Thoreau can now join the crowd.

  224. Marv Sager says:

    “You now make a good shepherd. The right clothes, a strong staff, and flowers to feed your flock!”

    1. Gerald Lebowitz says:

      Marv,

      Excellent! That’s just what God would have said to Moses; that what seemed out of place at the time was what was perfectly necessary in His eyes. Your best caption yet!

      1. Marv Sager says:

        Gerald,

        Thanks for liking my caption. I am of the opinion that if I try many times, one cartoon caption may stand out!

  225. Michael Lomazow says:

    Gerald,
    About a year ago,I reduced my stock portfolio to about 20% of my investments.I was using that formula that says to subtract your age from 100 and invest only what you have in stocks.Thus,someone approaching 80 would have 20% in stocks.I know there is no real answer but I thought it was prudent to be more conservative.As a result,I have suffered less than I could have and I don’t spend a lot of psychic energy worrying about it.Whatever goes down will eventually come up so I’m in for the long haul.I would expect the Dow to fall even further,maybe below 30,000 but I think it will bounce back and more.

  226. Marv Sager says:

    “Would you happen to have some bird seed? While I’m up here, I’d like to do some BIRD WATCHING!”

  227. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    Lee and Michael,

    Thanks for your words. From talking to people whose visions I respect, I’ve come away with the opinion that the most significant event for the United States was the breaking of the link between the dollar and gold in 1971. From the time of that decoupling, the dollar has become unmoored; the money supply has exploded, and the value of each dollar has decreased, the increasing value of real estate being only one example of how our currency buys less and less every year. Where is this heading? Is it too late to really put the brakes on the dollar’s decline? The pessimists I know say the Fed cannot really increase interest rates too much now, as we’ve reached the point of no return and the result would be to completely crush the economy. So, they say, we are headed toward a disaster, the rumblings of it shown by the irrational behavior of all those people illogically still supporting Trump and willing to run wild and commit violence on his behalf. We are living in very strange times. I don’t know what the end will be and when it will occur. But something is waiting in the wings to make an appearance.

    Thanks for being here.

  228. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    Lee and Michael,

    I’ve tracked down a book that everyone concerned about the markets should read. Its title is “Collusion,”and its author is the investigative journalist Nomi Prins, about whom you can discover a lot on the Internet. Most public libraries have this book, so you won’t have to spend anything for it.

    I understand she’ll be coming out with another book later on this year if you’re interested.

    Best of luck always!

    1. Lee Lacewell says:

      Thank you, I will literally ‘check it out soon.”

  229. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    Michael,

    The classic investment story concerns the guy who reads about a small over-the-counter stock and tells his broker to buy some. The broker buys 500 shares at a dollar a share.

    The next day the man is pleasantly surprised to see that each share of his stock has gone up fifty cents, so he instructs his broker to buy another 500. The next day the stock goes up another fifty cents, so he excitedly calls his broker and buys another 500. When he reads the business pages the next day he sees another fifty cent rise in the price of his stock. So he buys another 500 shares. He sees the same increase the next day, so he continues buying. Finally, after three weeks of this, he calls his broker. “Please sell all my shares,” he says.

    And his broker asks after a pause, “To whom?”

    OK, that story won’t score high on the laugh meters, but his stock did rise–for him only, as the sole buyer.

  230. Marv Sager says:

    “Let me know when you want to put your foot down, and I’ll leave the mountain!”

  231. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    Marv,

    A good line! Regards to Marvin if you see him.

    1. Marv Sager says:

      Gerald,

      Many people have SPLIT PERSONALITIES, such as Dr. Jekyll & Mr. HYDE. Marv & Marvin have SPLIT BRAINS!
      Right-Sided Marvin & Left-Sided Marv. So if something like this happens to you, then maybe people can call you Gerald & Gerry!
      You may even have 3 personalities, such as Gerald, Gerry, and GERMANE! Let me know your outcome. BEST OF LUCK!

  232. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    Marv,

    The name you use doesn’t matter. Your warmth and ingenuity and skill always shine out of all your contributions.

    I once met a guy whose name was seven-and-an-eighth. I asked him how he got that name, and he answered that when he was born they didn’t know what to call him, so they put a lot of names in a hat and somebody accidentally pulled out the size.

    Please keep that story under your hat but again rest assured that the name doesn’t really count. It’s the personality and talent-and ingenuity-of which you have plenty–that stand out.

    1. Marv Sager says:

      Gerry,

      Your words are always reassuring and inspirational! 2 or 3 names are many times better than just 1 name.
      We wouldn’t have SPIES if they only had 1 name. Even the DEVIL has multiple names such as DEMON, MONSTER FROM HELL, LUCIFER, and BEELZEBUB!
      No one can deny that your name is GERMANE when it comes to prophets & saints!

      Please give my best regards to Gerald as a new MOMENT is coming!

      1. Gerald Lebowitz says:

        Marv,

        Have you forgotten? I also have a whole branch of medicine named after me: “geriatrics.”

        1. Marv Sager says:

          Gerald,

          So that’s where you got the name, GERITOL!

  233. Marv Sager says:

    “To brighten my day, I was expecting SUNFLOWERS!”

    Dedicated to Gerald, Gerry, and GERMANE who brighten’s the MOMENT DAY!

  234. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    “Why are you covering up the dirt under the flower?”

  235. Marv Sager says:

    “Behold the promised land of MILKWEED & HONEYSUCKLE, or some combination!”

  236. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    “A while back I heard the Jesuit priest Father Greg Boyle of Los Angeles speak about the Christian sacrament of communion. He said something about how Jesus is concerned that we’ll forget not that the cup is sacred but that it’s ordinary. Somewhere along the way in my theological formation, I think I was taught that spiritual life is something still, something stopped in time, something carved away from the ordinary world or the rhythm of an ordinary day. But as I get older I see examples of prayer all around me that look more like chores. They are varied and endless and ordinary: cooking a meal, setting a table, planting trees, taking someone’s temperature, turning compost, feeding animals, packing a child’s lunch, weeding garden beds, mowing the lawn, raising children. All these, when practiced mindfully, can clear the head, open the heart, reconnect us to something hopeful, and create space in the day to praise the living world.”

    —Tallu Schuyler Quinn

  237. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    “We all spend so much time looking for what’s right before us, in front of us, inside us. We search for God, for ways to be faithful, for something to deliver us from present worry or strife. It’s not wasted time, but when we catch a glimpse of God living right where we live, we remember that our deliverance has already been sent.”

    –Tallu Schuyler Quinn

  238. Marv Sager says:

    ++++++++++THE JEWISH VALUE++++++++++

    “B’tzelem Elohim.” (That all human beings are created in GOD’S IMAGE!)

    CAPTION: “With my flowers to you, God commands you to keep up your GOD’S IMAGE and smell good!”

  239. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    “Is that a boutonniere? I’m sorry, but I haven’t worn a tuxedo in years.”

  240. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    “When Joe Biden became vice president, his son Hunter landed a no-show role as “of counsel” for the New York based law firm Boies Schiller Flexner LLP. Hunter wasn’t obliged to keep office hours or to attend meetings, but Boies paid Hunter $216,000 per annum, among other payments made to Hunter by those who profited by being close to his father.

  241. Marv Sager says:

    “Grow & blossom Moses, like my flowers, and try not to wilt in the near future!”

  242. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    “Before you get married, give the person a computer with a very slow internet connection. You’ll find out what they’re really like.”

  243. Marv Sager says:

    “These are not PEEtunias; you won’t get wet!”

  244. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    From “Aftermath: Life in the Fallout of the Third Reich, 1945-1955,” by Harald Jahner:

    “In hard times property rights were not abolished, they were redefined. Anything that could not be attributed
    to a concrete individual had, in the popular sense of justice, passed into a vague kind of universal ownership,
    and was regarded as available for the taking. Even a nameplate on a door only protected an apartment under certain conditions.
    A tenant’s lengthy absence eroded property rights to furniture and household goods, and they became common property.
    The owner night have fallen in the war, after all.
    For many, taking up residence in his home was perfectly legitimate, a kind of unofficial billeting
    that was accepted as a kind of informal aid.
    The state had broken down to such an extent that anyone could consider themselves as its proxy.
    The arbitrariness of war’s vicissitudes inevitably altered attitudes toward ownership.
    In the eyes 0f many, possession was a ‘chance result, justified by nothing and in need of change.'”

  245. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    Thanks to those who’ve brought new flowers into the garden (Paul Wolpe, Chava Kagan, and others).
    You enrich our soil.

  246. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    Usually I find it relatively easy to empathize with others. But today I find it hard.

    Here in the East the temperature has reached the nineties, the hottest day we’ve had for a long while, with a strong sun beating down. Although I’ve tried, I find it hard to commiserate with our esteemed punster, Dale Stout, who, living in Colorado Springs, has suffered all day under temperatures in the 30’s with a cold forecast of snow.

    Is the weather there where your wonderful humor comes from, frozen instead of melted?

    Maybe my sense of humor would improve if I moved to Colorado Springs.

    Just asking, Dale. It’s only a thought.

  247. Marv Sager says:

    +++++++++++++Moses Flower Day++++++++++++

    From this auspicious day, your GOD has decreed that all antisemites will have the STAIN OF MONKEY POX on their houses!”

  248. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    “One hundred percent of nothing is nothing, but 50% of something could be worth millions. I’d rather own half of the Pacific Ocean than all of Lake Erie.”

    –Jay Samit

  249. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    “We’re all mere beggars telling
    other beggars where we found bread.”

    —Martin Luther

  250. Marv Sager says:

    “Moses, if I provided you with a GARDEN OF EDEN, would you still leave me?”

  251. “Hey, Nobody’s perfect, including Me. Cheers, Mo.”

  252. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    In answer to the question, “What should college students have learned when they finally leave?,” may I put my two cents in even though I wasn’t asked? They should have been taught how to explore their own boundaries, their unique rivers and cliffs and desserts. They should be comfortable in their own skins and know how to navigate, hopefully not being too surprised at or unfamiliar with the terrain they find. Can this sense of equanimity and balance ever be taught? I don’t know. I only know that if we don’t learn this skill, we’ll be subjected to charlatans who are always here to pick our pockets and try to sell us our own sense of self-worth.

    what is the

  253. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    A husband and wife got into one of their frequent arguments. Although they only been married only a short time, the wife was insistent on going over her husband’s past.

    “Tell me,” she asked him, “How many women have you had outside of our marriage?”

    The husband hesitated. “I’d rather not go into that,” he said.

    “But I insist,” she pursued. “How many women have there been besides me?”

    Finally the bedraggled guy waved his hands.

    “Let’s see,” he said. “There was one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, you, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen …”

    There is no record at all of how satisfied his confession left her when he was finally finished.

  254. Marv Sager says:

    “Since we don’t always SEE eye to eye, in the future you might bring a TELESCOPE!”

  255. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    ‘A man who wants to lead the orchestra
    must turn his back to the crowd.”

    –Max Lucado

  256. Gerald Lebowitz says:

    “There is a video of Joe Biden at a campaign stop in New Hampshire in 1987, angrily berating a man who had asked politely what law school he had gone to and how well he had done.

    “‘I think I probably have a much higher IQ than you do,’ says Joe. ‘I went to law school on a full academic scholarship, the only one in my class who had a full academic scholarship, and ended up in the top half of my class. I was the outstanding student in the political science department at the end of my year. I graduated with three degrees from undergraduate school, and I’d be delighted to sit back and compare my IQ to yours.’

    “Of course his claims were false, as all the newspapers who covered him reported at the time. There was no full academic scholarship, his grades were poor through college, and he finished near the bottom of his class at Syracuse Law School–seventy-fifth of eighty-five.

    “He also was almost expelled in his first year for plagiarism; he did not win an award for being an outstanding political science student. And he graduated with one degree, not three.”

    Is anybody really above reproach?

  257. Marv Sager says:

    “From now your name is MO’ (for MO’ Flowers with MO’ love from above)!”

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