“I’ll lay you 8 to 5 that he lands on his feet.”

Congratulations to Arkady, William and Justin, the three finalists in the last contest. The “Moment” jury did a great job in selecting you guys out of so many submissions. The sharper the competition, the better it is for all of us to keep us on our toes.

The joy is really in the competing, not in the winning. Everyone on this site knows that. Thanks so much to all for creating the whole picture.

“He has free will. There’s nothing you can do.”

“You can’t interfere. It was predestined that he should have free will.”

“I’m his agent. He’s not listening to you.”

“You may call the shots up there, but I call them down here, and I say he’s gonna take a fall.”

Nice kid you got there. Hate to see anything happen to him…..

“Don’t butt in. This is my racket. I learned everything I know by reading in the Old Testament about how you did things.”

He’s the G-d Father, I just keep the Five Books of Moses.

Did I say Godfather? I meant God is our Father!

We each enforce our own sets of commandments!

Hey, they weren’t dressed modestly.

“You may be the boss there, but I’m the boss here.”

Hey, he wouldn’t give a get!

Look hotshot, from now on you pay us every month. Or us and a couple of friends heads upstairs, and helps you out a little . Got it.

Look, I don’t care if you are some kind of creator, I’m gonna be your agent. I’m everybody’s agent.

“Pull my finger.”

I believe you and me can really run this city.

Why should we listen to you? You’re not even wearing a suit and tie.

If the boss says he goes to heaven, then the boss gets to go to heaven.

Some of your lightning struck our hideout. I’ll see you in court.

We’re gonna throw a little party. There might be some sinning going on. So we need you to turn a blind eye for the night.

Yeah, you know everything. So uh, I forgot where we hid the bank loot. Could you help us out?.

I’m due in court next week. I really need you to sway the jury. So please accept this gift of cold, hard prayer.

“I know you can’t help it, but try not to judge us.”

“Don’t make us come up there.”

“Actually, yes, I am a wiseguy.”

“Whacking someone? Nah, we’re just here to take a quick dip.”

“Give it a few more minutes-the accountant will be right there.”

“We need to talk about moving my family business to the cloud. Not for free, of course—I’ll pray for your services.”

“I may be migrating to the cloud soon. There is a contract on my head.”

I’m not pointing fingers, but was it not you who created the cops?

I’ve always been his problem child.

Even now he thinks I’m going to do something stupid.

Don’t worry about me. I’m standing next to the big guy.

Mr. God is it? I understand you want to clean up crime and vice in this world. I’ll give you some time to reconsider. Don’t take too long.

Sorry, I just don’t see it. The light is blinding.

Cartoon idea for any cartoonist reading this: Man walking down a long, narrow street sees a masked individual approaching from the opposite direction and says, apprehensively:

“Either you’re protecting yourself from the coronavirus, or you’re intending to mug me.” 🙂

Hmmm, I always thought God was a woman…..

“That’s my god. I learned all the tricks of the trade from reading about his racket in the Old Testament.”

“Watch me take a LEAK OF FAITH!”

“Sorry, but I only pray on Sundays!”

“No donations today because the stock market tanked!”

Robert D., glad to connect with you again. Read this by Carol Kuruvilla:

What does God look like?

Renaissance artists painted God into their own cultures, often giving him the white skin and flowing golden hair of a European aristocrat.

But that traditional image has been challenged by many over the centuries. This age-old question is now picking up steam on Facebook, particularly in the light of the #BlackLivesMatter movement.

Dylan Chenfeld, a self-described Jewish atheist, is throwing his ideas into the mix.

“’I Met God, She’s Black,’ Chenfeld says in posters that he’s allegedly pasted all over Manhattan during the past few days.

The 21-year-old doesn’t claim to have invented the phrase, saying the trope has existed for quite some time. He’s just the one who decided to put it on a $30 T-shirt.

In fact, William P. Young, author of The Shack, pictured God as an African American woman named Elouisa. Black feminist Ntozake Shange, in her poem “For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When The Rainbow is Enough,” says, “I found God in myself, and I loved her fiercely.”

“But what does an Upper West side-raised Jewish guy have to do with all of this?

The slogan has certainly become a source of business for Chenfeld. When he initially started printing the shirts about one year ago, he says many of his buyers were white. He’s also gotten celebrities like Drake and Cara Delevingne to be photographed wearing his shirt.

“I like poking fun at sacred cows,” Chenfeld told HuffPost. “I’m taking the idea that God is a white male and doing the opposite of that, which is a black woman.”

Although he’s trying to make money from the campaign, there also seems to be a spiritual side to his motives. Chenfeld said that, compared to the other members of his Jewish family, he was always the one asking more questions about what God is really like. His grandparents are Orthodox Jews, he says, who follow a conservative strain of Judaism that doesn’t allow women to have a bat mitzvah.

“Sometimes when you get really religious, it becomes sexist and that’s when I tap out,” Chenfeld says. “And that’s why I’ve never been a super religious person.”

He says he stepped away from Judaism and all organized religion after his 13th birthday. He’s hoping his shirt will help people question the image of God as a white man.

But he wasn’t expecting his products to become swept up into the #BlackLivesMatter movement.

“The shirt’s message actually speaks to a deep desire for people to see God in their own image,” says The Rev. Dr. Jacqueline J. Lewis, a Senior Minister at Middle Collegiate Church who has been involved in protests against Eric Garner’s death at the hands of the NYPD.

“In the Abrahamic traditions, God introduced God’s self to Moses by saying, ‘I am who I am.’ God is too mysterious to truly know, so we make God accessible to ourselves by conjuring, imagining, speculating, and guessing. . . How we image God helps us to image ourselves. There is power in thinking of God as a little like us, just as there is power in thinking of ourselves as a little like God. It does not change the fact that God is mystery, it just makes God more accessible. Though God has no race or gender, Jesus had both. Claiming the Afro-Semitic ethnicity of Jesus the Christ has been powerful for me as a Black woman, a wife, a daughter and a clergy.”

After protests in support of #BlackLivesMatter erupted across the country, Chenfeld says that he’s gotten an increased interest in the shirts, seen through interactions online, but that this hasn’t necessarily translated into increased sales.

Even if it’s a Jewish atheist behind the business, Lewis says that doesn’t dismantle the good outcome.

“Is that an electric-powered cloud, or are you still guzzling gas?”

Why you look at me that way? Do I amuse you? Like a clown?

I have so many questions I would like to ask you. Like what’s the meaning of life? Is it better to be super-helpful or super-like able? Also which one was better, Godfather One or Two?

“Please move because you are blocking the sun.”

“Didn’t you play Moses in that Charlton Heston film?”

-Mini Mike likes sin taxes.
-Bernie says you have to share more.
-Warren wants Buttigieg for VP because he’s an Indianan.
-Joe Biden…now there’s the rub.
-There’s a billion reasons why Tom won’t Steyer you wrong.
-Help! Klobuchar is choking on Trump’s comb!

“You see, Joey, that’s my god. You should’a seen some of the jobs he pulled in the Old Testament.”

Dear Delano:

Your questions/comments reek of heresy. How dare you be so impertinent! Let me ask you some of the same questions that I once asked Job. Don’t you read your Bible?

“Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth?
Tell Me, if you have understanding,
Who set its measurements? Since you know.
Or who stretched the line on it?

“On what were its bases sunk?
Or who laid its cornerstone,
When the morning stars sang together
And all the sons of God shouted for joy?

“Or who enclosed the sea with doors
When, bursting forth, it went out from the womb;
When I made a cloud its garment
And thick darkness its swaddling band,

And I [placed boundaries on it
And set a bolt and doors,
And I said, ‘Thus far you shall come, but no farther;
And here shall your proud waves stop’?
God’s Mighty Power

12
“Have you [ever in your life commanded the morning,
And caused the dawn to know its place,
That it might take hold of the ends of the earth,
And the wicked be shaken out of it?

“It is changed like clay under the seal;
And they stand forth like a garment.

“From the wicked their light is withheld,
And the uplifted arm is broken.

“Have you entered into the springs of the sea
Or walked in the recesses of the deep?

“Have the gates of death been revealed to you,
Or have you seen the gates of deep darkness?

“Have you understood the [expanse of the earth?
Tell Me, if you know all this.

“Where is the way to the dwelling of light?
And darkness, where is its place,
That you may take it to its territory
And that you may discern the paths to its home?

“You know, for you were born then,
And the number of your days is great!

“Have you entered the storehouses of the snow,
Or have you seen the storehouses of the hail,
Which I have reserved for the time of distress,
For the day of war and battle?

“Where is the way that the light is divided,
Or the east wind scattered on the earth?

“Who has cleft a channel for the flood,
Or a way for the thunderbolt,
To bring rain on a land without people,
On a desert without a man in it,

To satisfy the waste and desolate land
And to make the [h]seeds of grass to sprout?

“Has the rain a father?
Or who has begotten the drops of dew?

“From whose womb has come the ice?
And the frost of heaven, who has given it birth?

“Water becomes hard like stone,
And the surface of the deep is imprisoned.

“Can you bind the chains of the Pleiades,
Or loose the cords of Orion?

“Can you lead forth a constellation in its season,
And guide the Bear with her satellites?

“Do you know the ordinances of the heavens,
Or fix their rule over the earth?

“Can you lift up your voice to the clouds,
So that an abundance of water will cover you?

“Can you send forth lightnings that they may go
And say to you, ‘Here we are’?

“Who has put wisdom in the innermost being
Or given understanding to the mind?

“Who can count the clouds by wisdom,
Or tip the water jars of the heavens,
When the dust hardens into a mass
And the clods stick together?

“Can you hunt the prey for the lion,
Or satisfy the appetite of the young lions,
When they crouch in their dens
And lie in wait in their lair?

I hope this puts your mind to rest, Delano. By the way, I didn’t like either of the Godfather movies. I myself prefer the Three Stooges films.

Hey, even G-d needs a few laughs once in a while.

He’s the real G-d Father.

Why’d you make me a little lower than DeAngelos?

I may look like Joe Pesci, but I ain’t calling no one no names.

“Will you be available for the Macy’s Day Parade?”

“Can you see Russia from there?”

“I kinda get the omnipresence thing, but this is our territory.”

“We shoulda look into this cloud technology, it’s big bucks.”

“Have you ever tried washing your clothes with all those rain clouds?”

“Thanks, Old Boy. I’ve been very successful by applying some of your commandments to the way I run MY organization. Especially the one that says, “Thou shalt have no other gods before me.”

“I’ll give you time to finish Viduy.”

“Could I have your autograph, as it would be GOD SCENT?”

“Just because we are CON men doesn’t mean we are CONdescending to you!”

“This stays between me and you, capeesh?”

“What are you looking at us for? You started the fall of man. Did you think that it would end with Adam?”

“Everything’s okay. Haven’t you always tried to inspire people to take a leap of faith?”

“That airhead is Bo and I be Zo. We are the BOZO brothers.”

“Don’t worry, Sonny. I won’t let him rain on your parade.”

“Don’t worry, Sonny. I won’t let Him rain on your parade.”

(Sorry–I almost committed a capital offense.)

“He’s the original wiseguy.”

Me and my stooge really do enjoy your works. Teach us, mold us, make us yours.

“Don’t you give us another lecture on morality. Your favorite from the bible, King David–who you said was a man after your own heart–was once a shepherd who led a gang of outlaws that made other shepherds pay protection so their flocks would be safe. He even had a price on his head! Later he committed adultery and fell for the woman so hard that he had the woman’s husband killed. My boys and I are saints by comparison!

Jim,

Thanks for your very gracious comments, which I accept on behalf of the all the great contributors to the site, whom I merely reflect, shining the light back to its source, especially the light coming from all the newcomers, who are revitalizing everything! I’m just a catalyst, or, if I may express it in rather lame verse:

You guys are the flowers and I am the bee,
And right now this site is my sector.
My job is to visit and spread all the pollen.
And taste the most wonderful nectar.

You, by the way, have always had a great dramatic sense with a flair for very good dialogue. I always look forward to seeing more. Thanks for editing my offering. Your word does make it better!

Have you heard the good news?

“We’re both wearing sunglasses. Your light has no effect.”

I’ll make Jew an offer you can’t refuse.

“Mardi Gras is over, you can climb down from your float!”

If they make an AIPAC crack, we’ll break their mother’s back.

We’re here to repossess your cloud.

“I bet you Disney audio animatrons talk bible nonsense!”

“The only thing we have to fear is G-d Himself.”

Our gang has a saying in this part of the world, “KEEP THE FAITH!”

“Don’t interfere—this is my territory. I’M the rainmaker around here.”

If you don’t make it sunny for my daughters outdoor birthday party, You can expect a little visit from Big Tony here.

Hey pal, Is there any good pasta joints up there?

I’m the sharpest of the sharp, the kindest of the kind. Pay me back my money or you’ll be in a bind.

I think we’ve met before, at that mobsters meeting down in Malibu. Your name is Frank right?

“Is that a nimbus cloud? Are you threatening us with another flood?”

Our gang is growing some tulips and roses. Can we pretty please, have some rain?

I will give you two choices. Take it, or take it.

Yes sir, I have been a bit naughty.

Can I ride your cloud?

With the cloud. How do you steer?

I believe. Oh, yes I do. If I can wing it, so can you.

It’s true he does exist. I’ve got to tell everybody about this.

Mr. God, I presume.

“I coulda been a contender!”

“We *could* use a vengeful God.”

“He achieves more in six days than our entire crew in a year.”

My religion believes, “IN GOD WE TRUST” greenbacks!

“Apparently the Border Patrol did not detect you!”

I have to put this meeting on the internet.

Found you, now it’s my turn to hide.

When my smiling eyes do see.
A holy figure next to me.
It was my God, I’m proud to say.
To toss my troubles far away.
My love is yours forever be. My heart’s a lock, just turn the key.

We’re your biggest fans.

You’re in a restricted air space. Leave now.

If you can guess, what number I’m thinking of,you can have my car, my house, and my wife.

I love your style. Who’s your tailor.

All I need is a miracle, all I need is you.

I was going to return that car, honest.

I like you. Do you want to come back to my place and watch Angels In The Outfield. I’ll bring the popcorn.

“You speak with a nebulous accent.”

“Are you training to be a SPACE CADET?”

With your cloud technology, we can corner the market on Italian leather sofas.

Edited- With your cloud technology, we can corner the market on Italian, leather, sofas.

Who are you supposed to be, Old Rip Van Winkle?

I am Bruno, Roberto, Stefan, Giuseppe, Luigi, the Third. Who are you?

Please do not look at me like that. It is like you’re peering into my soul.

Trick or Treat! I’m Pretty Boy Floyd.

What is a three letter word for creator, that starts with a G. I am stumped.

“I’m gonna make you an offering you can’t refuse.”

You are a God-Send.

Why did you unfriend me on Soul Book?

Since I found you, Does that mean I get three wishes?

Happy- Obscure Holiday God!

Sorry we’re late. We was shaking down a shop owner over on Third and Maple.

If you’re really who you say you are. Then turn my buddy here into a pizza.

I’ve got a sure thing, on Today’s horse race. Bet on the one named Heaven Bound.

How would you like to star in a new movie called, God In Plain Sight?

Look there, We have the greatest G of all.

You cannot spell good without God.

Hey God, You stand for: Good, Old, Dreamer.

What should I get you for Fathers Day God? How about a nice, hot tub?

If you are looking for spiritual guidance, then Gerald Lebowitz can be found.
+++
If you are looking for a “pun pal,” then Dale Stout can be found.
+++
If you are looking for Marv-L-Us intervention, then Marvin Sager can be found at home, secluded in his room because of the coronavirus. He has stock-pilled can goods, brandy, and toilet paper.
+++
Lastly, let me thank Delano Britt for leaving enough room on this blog for my entry!

Marvin, you left out one:

If you are looking for good-fellowship, a warm heart, a keen intellect, and a marvelous sense of humor, then Marvin Sager can be found—thank goodness.

You are quite welcome Marvin. All of you are wonderfully wise, entertaining, awe-inspiring , and very much cordial, representatives of your work and life in general.

Let’s start a new motorcycle club called: Believe In You..

Raise the flag.
Open the gate.
God is here, and he is great.

I see you haven’t changed.

God, If I was a pro-wrestler. You would be my tag-team partner.

If I was a truck, you would be my engine.

Are there any such things as aliens? Or am I just being paranoid?

Please be my neighbor.

We are having a pool party. I’ll bring the pool toys and you can bring the holy water.

I have built this city. Now you can have it.

God, I am imagining change. Big change in the city. We can not do it without your help.

Okay kid here’s the deal. Bases are loaded. It’s the bottom of the ninth. Championship is on the line. Everybody is depending on you. Go out there and don’t get nervous.

Help me understand mankind. Because somewhere I got out of the loop.

Let me see your license and registration.

Do you have a permit for that vehicle?

Tiny here, has a thing about strangers. Especially the elderly variety.

And if I’m lying, may lightning strike him dead.

If only I was a wise guy like Solomon.

If the streets of heaven are paved with gold, we’ll help sweep up.

Okay buster,if your so smart, then why am I the wise-guy?

I want you to switch my body with my underling here. His brawn for my brains.

We’re from the IRS. Did you really think you could evade us forever?

You want us to turn vegan, but I love meat and my daddy loved meat and his mother too.

You and Me, We can teach the world to sing.

Thanks for reminding me, that in the end, true love wins.

“Cruising up there you may be safe, but cruising down below you risk coronavirus!”

“You can kiss my ring if you use hand sanitizer!”

Can we expect you, at my nephews Bar-Mitzvah.

Edited: Can we expect you, at my nephews Bar Mitzvah?

I knew you would catch me with my sin wide open.

“I have 20/20 vision in this year 2020. Also, 20 years a mobster and only 20 thousand dollars contract on my life. In summary, I can see that my life may be short-changed!”

Coronavirus stinks.I’d like to shake your hand, but my conscience really reeks.

Gods greatest gift to man is the precious gift of life. So at this weeks talent show, I’ll give a heart-felt rendition of Staying Alive.

I have a friend who’s a non-believer. May I take a photo of you to share with her?

Your presence truly is the best gift.

Did jew know we love you so?

How are the angels?

How is my ol’ lady faring upstairs?

Your resume is very impressive, Mr. God. What skills do you intend to provide for this job? As a enforcer?
Are you dedicated and loyal? Are you in any way presumptious? That is a big deal-breaker. Can you be discreet? Most of all, Are you in it to win it?

This city, our power, my God. We need you.

This reminds me. Last week I had some heavenly lasagna. I have got to get that recipe.

I’m the big cheese see. Mice nor men mess with me.

Your here.When you wish upon a star ,your dreams come true.

I didn’t want to be a crime boss, you know. My parents wanted me to be a rabbi.

I didn’t have to be a crime boss. I had money, good looks, Hollywood was calling. Fate interceded.

CONFESSIONS OF A MOB BOSS
+++
(1) On Sunday I PRAY for the safety of my family. The rest of the week I PREY on my neighbors.
+++
(2) No, I am not a vampire. But, I have “blood-sucked” money out of my enemies.
+++
(3) Just because I killed and wounded many deserving victims, the British labeled me a “BLOODY AMERICAN.”

As a comedian mob boss, I take pride in making people DIE LAUGHING!

Being a mob boss, musician, humanitarian, my favorite beat is always a Dead One.

I was a musician until they arrested me, for playing a killer beat.

We’re on a mission from God. Oh wait. You already know.

This is my better half. We’re brothers from Jewish mothers.

I wish my cousin Vinnie was here to see you. He’s a huge fan.

I can play the Jew’s harp, if you’ll pardon my twang.

Holy mackerel! Do you know who you are? Hey, do you like fish. I have plenty.

What are the odds that drawing lots isn’t gambling?

Is it a crime to be organized?

Can you bless this hand? Tomorrow, I’m in a rock, paper, scissors, tournament.

Is it wrong to tell a lie ,if it’s funny?

Am I dead? Are we dead? How did it happen? Was I whacked? Was I whacked by a rabid weed-whacker?

Please bless this mob and whoever is for it.

Don’t tell me you forgot our official handshake. Because I forgot it too.

“Seek & ye shall find” where Jimmy Hoffa is buried!

“Nobody knows the troubles I’ve seen, nobody knows my sorrow.” I need to kvetch to a listener!

Our records show your mob membership is expired. To acquire the extended package, you’ll have to take a comprehensive oral exam, based on The Sopranos .

Rule number one of this lifestyle is: Never pay attention to Rule number one.

Pardon us, if we mime this conversation. We have a strict code of silence we adhere to, in our chosen lives and professions.

To err, is human. To punish those mistakes, is Mafia.

Don’t you remember? We built this city. We built this city for mob control.

“Because I respect old age, I will restrain my BIG GUY from tangling with you!”

“I learned my reading & math from Sesame Street. My hero was COOKIE MOBSTER!”

Gone Viral

There’s a new form of greeting in this Age of Trump.
Instead of a handshake, use an elbow bump.
There’s a current viewpoint we must understand:
To build a wall is better than to lend a hand.

So maybe I whacked a few bums, got lazy, stole a little. At least I didn’t enjoy it too much.

Mob stands for Manly, Over-distinctive, Boys.

When all life ends as we know it, can I get a refund?

Sorry, If I blamed all my problems on the rain.

This Corona Virus may suspend the sports leagues, but crime is still red, hot, baby!

“This Neighborhood Watch Program has now extended to the Neighborhood Cloud Watch Program.”

“Our scientists need to better seed these clouds, otherwise GOD knows who will show up!”

God spotted growing from a cloud. What a great story for the National Enquirer.

Welcome to the Mob Weather Channel. The forecast calls for mostly cloudy skies, with a slight chance of God.

Can you cleanse the spots from my suit, As easily as you can the sins from my soul?

Welcome to Mob Land. The premiere,fun, family, destination. Great for all ages.

Do you believe in prayers after love?

Count your blessings and don’t snitch about them.

Could we borrow some gold? We are going to open a retirement home for old car-thieves?

You must be the fairy godfather. Who will help us live happily ever after.

Can you help us with directions? We are looking for Sin City.

Are you the elderly gentleman we saw at the supermarket, on the back of a milk carton?

Got God?

I love counting my blessings in bed. They soothe me and put me right to sleep.

Try new Holy Hand Cream. Terrific results for dry or peeling skin. Works on burns and scrapes too.

Remember Adam and Eve. Well you don’t have to worry about me. I don’t like fruit, but I do admit, I am a big “nut,” fan.

With you about sin, is it like a prepaid limit? Or more of a three strikes and your out ,kind of deal?

Are you Father Time? If you are, I’ve got a nasty root-canal scheduled for next week. Could you speed up time to push me through. Much thanks in advance.

Edited: Are you Father Time? If you are, I’ve got a nasty root-canal scheduled for next week. Could you possibly speed up time to push me through it? Much thanks in advance.

“Do you get paid to scare away pigeons?”

“Well, at least you are not in Kansas anymore!”

Can you see my house from there?

Did it hurt when you floated down from heaven?

Okay, the plan is we’ll plant some corn up here. You can be our scarecrow. Then I will get you some brains. I promise.

Glad to see ya! It’s a small universe after all.

Are you on vacation God?

Take my time and money. My pretty girlfriend too. Just don’t take my awesome God. His spirit within you.
He stands beside me days and keeps the watch at night. This amazing figure makes me feel alright.

One,two,three,four,call to God at Heavens door. Five,six,seven,eight, don’t forget appreciate.Nine,ten,eleven,twelve, do not sin, and do not delve. This is a new song for you. So be more happy, not more blue.

Where is the lost and found? I misplaced that conscience you gave me.

Your beard, it’s so long and glorious. May I feel it? Please, only for a minute.

I want to be a guardian angel. How do I apply?

“Beware the IDOLS of March, the EYES of March, and/or the IDES of March! You might add the CORONAVIRUS of March!”

“I would name your operation THE HIGH & THE MIGHTY. But, that name turned into a disaster movie!”

This CORONAVIRUS is a beast. Remember God ,to put it on a leash, at least. Make it go. Listen to my flow. Keep it close and beware its ways, or everyone around us will total sick days. It’s a illness. One you should dread. Before all the worries start jumping in your head. Stay inside, backtrack, no slack.,attack, this thing is for real.

To Lin Manuel Miranda, if you’re looking for a collaborator for your next hip-hop musical, I wholeheartedly recommend Delano Britt. He’s got all the moves. He’s a shrewd dude with a marvelous gift for the right words and a good heart besides. I know it’ll be hard to beat “Hamilton” and “In the Heights,” but Delano Britt will give you a real leg up, I promise.

I do not care if you can’t see my eyes behind my shades. This is a staring contest and you blinked.

All this fuss about the coronavirus makes me feel that I’m watching a magician. You know, a good magician tries to distract his audience, to misdirect them, so that they won’t notice what he’s really doing. The important point is that the virus is most deadly to those with a compromised immune system. The world’s immune system has been vastly compromised by fake money and fake credit. The only way to keep this scam going is to give it massive doses of more fake money via the Fed and other central banks which recently announced extraordinary funding of almost a trillion dollars to ease stressed capital markets in the wake of the coronavirus sell-off. Can these actions stop the world economies from sliding into recession?

Stay tuned. (Sorry, no humor today.)

Thank you, so very much Gerald Lebowitz. Your kind words have touched my soul. You are an extremely personable individual. With a sure eye for talent and a enviable intellect. You must have fans all around the globe. With you friendship and generosity are not mere words. They are the delectable food of the conscience. To give good, sound, running advice is the norm for you and the order of the day. You have invited me in and made me feel so very welcome. I am proud to call you a pal and a brother in poetry. Withstanding all, and retreating none. I entreat you with the most sincere determination, to continue what you do. To share the beautiful stream of wordplay, with any and all who seek you. You can remain a guiding light of hope and harmonious love. Toward the future, thinking of the past,while reveling in the present. We grow, stronger because of you. You are the teacher and we remain your eager students and pupils, thirsty for a drink from the proverbial fountain of knowledge. We glide down the road you have paved, just for us. Happy memories will show. Thank you.

Coronavirus is getting very distracting. The fear that it embellishes and the concern it compounds , may possibly be exacerbating peoples immune systems and their overall quality of life by itself.

Oh, so I’ve got a “short” fuse uh? Is that because of my height? Oh, real funny.

Delano, many thanks for your very, very, very, very kind words. Reading them, I felt that I was listening. to the eulogy at my own funeral, looking down from that same cloud occupied by G-d in the cartoon. Now there’s no place for me to go but down.

But one statement of yours that I can wholeheartedly agree with is that I do have “a sure eye for talent.” And I am always happy to bask in the light that your talent always casts.

Thanks again.

Does gravity work on you too? If you jump off that cloud, would you float as well?

Aww man, I spilled my drink. Quick, give me your cloud so I can wipe it up.

Your really welcomed Gerald. Keep writing buddy. In these desperate times, it is a good idea to keep the world informed and amused. Moment Magazine rocks. Poetry, captions, and writing forever.

“Do you really like SOUL MUSIC & SOUL FOOD?”

“Have you heard about the new coronavirus toilet paper? It is designed to WIPE-OUT the virus.”

I call concrete overshoes “social distancing”.

Coronavirus is effecting my take. I need a bailout.

The Surgeon General says I may be hazardous to people’s health.

Are you from the Eternal Revenue Service?

I put all my bookings in the cloud. You’re welcome to 10%.

Bloomberg and I faced it all, and we stood tall. And I did it my way.

I support the Greed New Deal.

“Top of the morning to you on St. Patrick’s Day! Now change your clothes and wear something GREEN!”

“I wish I had the luck of the Irish. After all, I use IRISH SPRING SOAP constantly!”

“Somewhere in my DNA, I have Irish roots because of my GREEN TREE plantings!”

“Is the GREEN MONSTER (Fenway Park) a form of Irish shenanigans?”

I’m a misunderstood Jew. You wouldn’t understand.

“If you are drinking GREEN BEER, then I am GREEN with ENVY. No Irish parades for me today either. The only thing I can do is eat GREEN PEA SOUP and reply, ERIN GO BRAGH!”

I have to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day? You’re busting my Blarney Stones.

“Are you from the Eternal Revenue Service?”

Dale, that’s classic!

(I always think of it as the INFERNAL Revenue Service. But yours is much better.)

Thanks for the laugh.

Another free cartoon idea to someone (Dr. Schwartz???) who can draw better than I can:

Picture an elderly ascetic in loincloth perched on the very top of a mountain, suddenly visited by a young couple who approach him via a winding path and waving them aside in an annoyed way:

“You’ve got me wrong. I’m not a guru. I’m just practicing social distancing.”

I’m so glad I found you first. Even though your the biggest, oldest leprechaun I’ve ever seen. You can lead me to your pot of gold now. Please do not resist or I might just have to pull out my shillelagh. Neither one of us wants that now, do we?

“You can’t hurt me now. Meet the new golem, created this time to protect the Jewish mob.”

Justin Gray, where are you? You were one of the finalists in the last contest and last checked in on March 3. Now you are conspicuous by your absence. Are you waiting for the early spring promised to us by Punxsutawney Phil on Groundhog Day? Or is there something more sinister in your not reappearing?

Anyway, you and your words are missed. Hope that all is well and that you’ll come back to solve the mystery.

For what it’s worth, what I see now is Trump winning this year’s presidential election in a landslide, busily papering over the financial disaster with almost a trillion dollars of government money, in the same way he avoided bankruptcy many times in his early real estate career by using his father’s fortune. We’re in an economic storm, and voters will see Biden as too tentative, too conciliatory, not strong enough. In the eye of a hurricane, no one wants a new hand on the wheel.

“If you can shelter in place, then we can stay six paces from you!”

“Cleanliness is next to GODLINESS, but wash your hands anyway!”

“The TSA should designate you with the nom de guerre, as LORD SKYJACK!”

Tomorrow is Spring. God, I cannot wait to put on my tulip costume and lay on the ground, under the sun,waiting to bloom.

Edited: Sorry. My mistake, Spring is here anyway
Today is Spring. God, I cannot wait to put on my tulip costume and lay on the ground, under the sun, waiting to bloom.

Happy Spring Everybody!

For the cartoon – “I want one of those. Make him a deal he can’t refuse.”

“I can see DOOMSDAY is coming this way, and that is why I am going the other way!”

“See, Joey? G-d’s brain is the supreme computer. That’s why he operates in a cloud.”

“No, knucklehead, not a secret cybersecurity cloud spying on us. But, flash your middle finger just in case!”

To Marvin Sager, you are a quintessential part of this blog. Such a dynamic talent! Thank you for being you.

Hey God, mobsters getting you down? You could’ve had a V8!

We’re the movers you hired. Where do you want the piano?

Excuse me, Are you the owner of the blue, 1975, Cadillac Fleetwood Brougham, in front of this building? Can you please move it? It’s parked on my grandmothers foot.

Holy water is great. I put that stuff on everything!

It’s Friday. Let’s dance. Hey God, Do you boogie-woogie?

I want to social distance. What’s your number so I can text you?

Humor can be found in any crisis if one looks hard enough. What I have found, however, is black humor.

For example, Trump rode to power on an anti-immigration policy, vowing to stop illegals from coming into this country in spite of the fact that he himself employed a lot of them as cheap labor at Mar-a-Lago and in his businesses. He vowed to protect this country by erecting walls of all kinds. He also threatened to impose tariffs on $200 billion worth of Chinese imports. Of course, what he didn’t count on was the illegal immigration of a virus from the People’s Republic that no walls or high tariffs could keep out and that would ironically erect walls between citizens in this very country. So by sending us a very destructive immigrant after all, one that bypassed all boundaries, China has ironically bested our president.

There’s also other humor to be found. For example, many stores in my area have signs limiting more than five people shopping there at one time. Shuls, though, have so far been exempted from this requirement, since minyans are still allowed to be comprised of 10 people. At least here the Jew comes out favorably.

When I was finally allowed to enter one store with a five-customer limit, I think I antagonized one of the workers by asking whether a schizophrenic would count as two people. He sort of shook his head and motioned me in. I bought what I wanted and left to make room for the next masked shopper.

Once there was a king in the Middle East who asked his wise man to carve a saying on his ring which would cheer him in adversity and restrain him in joy. When the wise man returned the ring, the king read the message carved in it: “This too will pass.”

So let me repeat those words of wisdom. This too will pass.

Best.

Listen, “putz-for-brains,” that strange object is part of the cosmos. I learned all about it by watching a T.V. program about COSMETOLOGY!

You know that money I gave to charity after my Bar Mitzvah was only a loan, right?

This bit of priceless repartee, thanks to Bill Bonner:

Yesterday, our “better half” arrived in Nicaragua from the U.S.

“I’m glad you were able to get here,” we greeted her. She had been helping with a new grandson in Baltimore. With flights being canceled and travel bans reconsidered, we were beginning to wonder if she’d be able to get here at all.

Later, we enjoyed a romantic dinner together, overlooking the ocean.

“I hope you didn’t bring the virus with you.”

“Well, if I did, at least we’d die together.”

“I think I’d prefer to live apart.”

“But maybe only one of us would survive… that would be sad, wouldn’t it? I’d be all alone.”

“How do you know you’d be the survivor?”

“I don’t know; I’m just feeling lucky.”

“Well, I just hope it’s you who lives, dear… You’re such a big help to the grandchildren.”

“How sweet of you to say so.”

“Do you have a burial plot picked out?”

“A burial plot? That’s the last thing I need.”

“Exactly. I was just thinking ahead. But I guess we should treat each day as though it were the last. Sooner or later, something’s going to get us. ”

“Yeah… I think I’ll take up smoking. The coronavirus kills you in two weeks. Smoking takes 30 years…”

“Don’t blame us. You’re the one who originated social distancing.”

Jim G., would you write a short scene involving the three characters in the current cartoon? I’d bet anything that your dialogue would at least match or, more likely, exceed anything written by anyone else.

Just wishing. Thanks.

Too bad the stores are running out of toilet paper. If we had some, we could wipe the frown from your face.

Would placing all computers and mobile devices at least 5 miles apart count as social distancing.

No news is sick news. Until it is.

Hello sir. I am your local Hair Club for Men representative. Did you realize that male pattern baldness is the most common cause of hair loss for men. Luckily it is treatable. Here just in, we even have a new treatment we are testing for effectiveness. You just rub a mixture of cheese, cat vomit, ear wax, and mashed potatoes on your head. Let it set for 24 hours, you cannot move while it sets. Rinse it off with prune juice, and behold, Fresh new hair.

Stay in school kid. Do not make the same mistakes we made.

“Do you believe in reincarnation? In my case, I believe in reincarceration. Both beliefs will change you, but not necessarily for the better!”

What we’re now seeing is a classic example of a famous idiom.

From the internet: “The definition of ‘the straw that broke the camel’s back’ is the final terrible thing that makes a situation unbearable. Example: Veronica was very stressed when she failed her physics exam and got a bad mark in her English class. The straw that broke the camel’s back occurred when she got into a car accident.”

The economy, like our president, is built on air. For example, in spite of the record-low announced unemployment rate, real people were finding great difficulties in getting new jobs, except maybe part-time work at low salaries for places like Burger King–and yet such work took them off the lists of the unemployed. And Trump’s so-called business accomplishments were far less than advertised, which is why he has adamantly resisted releasing any information about his financial affairs.

Now reality has caught up with fantasy, with everybody seeing that, for all the pomp and circumstance, the emperor and his world really have no clothes.

Pay up now or we’ll shave off your beard and sell it on eBay.

Either you pay up or we will tickle you until you wet your robe.

I’m a man of means, so therefore the meaner I look and the meaner I act means a lot to my “musclehead” bodyguard!

My bodyguard isn’t too bright. I just have him nod, instead of talking. That way I don’t have to blush like the setting sun.

“Hey, you, get off of my cloud!”
The above command was given by Mick Jagger’s entertainment lawyer who is accompanied by his business manager.

My image of our president, if anyone’s at all interested (which I doubt):

Donald J. Trump is the guy who shoots at a wall and THEN draws a target centered around the hole to impress everyone with his expert marksmanship.

Once there was a king whose kingdom encompassed very uneven terrain. His subjects kept hurting their feet while walking. Then the king had an idea. He would order thousands of cattle killed to make a lot of leather for a carpet to cover the complete kingdom and protect his subjects. But just before the killings were about to begin, one of the king’s counselors suggested an alternative. Why not just kill a few cows and give each of his subjects a small piece of leather to protect his or her own feet instead of blanketing the entire kingdom?

Today, perhaps, might it be more effective in the future to, instead of issuing hundreds of declarations about hand washing and environment washing and the like, find an effective way of focusing on building up the immune system of each individual tn order to combat the coronavirus?

Probably just a foolish and impractical thought.

“How much will it take for You to reconsider the Sixth Commandment?”

“Have Your Chosen People call Rocco, my Chosen Person.”

“Why must You give my mother’s veal parmigiana a bad name?”

“Surely this town has some sinner that deserves a bit of roughing up.”

“I am very proud to be paying taxes in the United States.

“The only thing is, I would be just as proud if I gave them half the money.”

—-Arthur Godfrey (anyone remember him?)

“Just because you speak many languages doesn’t make your opinion better than mine! Besides, there are two of us that agree on everything against only one of you!”

Marvin, in your post of March 22 you ask the question “Do you believe in reincarnation?”

I haven’t answered it yet because I’m still thinking of a clever comeback.

“My strong arm associate and I can sell you acrophobia insurance. But if you fall off your cloud, then your policy and you will be NUMB & VOID!” (Much better than trying to sell the Brooklyn Bridge.)

Ha!, I won our bet. I told you God wasn’t dead.

“Are you the home grocery delivery vehicle? I ordered special kosher food from Heaven Divine Food Service for my zaftig wife!”

You must be a great dancer. You look so light on your feet, to be balancing on that cloud.

Unsung heroes in my neighborhood have just thwarted a plot by the coronavirus to take over the world.

I discovered this the other day when I tried to make copies of important documents in four local stores, only to find that in all these places the copying machines were out of order. However, in the last store I tried, one of the owners informed me that the machines were not really out of order; they were out of service only “because of the coronavirus,” he said. When I asked the connection, he only smiled and refused to say more.

What other conclusion can I draw than to imagine that, to be effective, coronaviruses need to multiply, and what better way would there be to duplicate themselves than by taking over a copier. By removing their duplicating machines from use, these four owners were really actively preventing the spread of the virus.

Naturally, President Trump will take the credit when this crisis ends. But I know the truth now. And now so do you.

Suspend your disbelief. Remember, didn’t you, too, once marvel at the doings of Fox Mulder and Dana Scully on “The X-Files”?

If that is cloud nine, may I ride too?

Do you believe in ‘spiritual,’ love at first sight?

A HISTORY QUESTION FOR A CLOUDY DAY
+++
Who said the following quote?
“No prison can hold me; no hand or leg irons or steel locks can shackle me. No ropes or chains can keep me from my freedom.”
+++
Choose from the following answers:
(1) Osama bin Laden (2) Marvin Sager (3) Erik Weisz (4) Adolf Hitler (5) Donald John Trump
HINT: Choose a person with talent beyond belief!

“Every cloud has a silver lining,” so even If I am quarantined with my bonehead bodyguard for coronavirus, we have many episodes of THE SOPRANOS to watch on T.V.

We’re opening a new pizza restaurant named: I Got My Cheese From Heaven. If we receive your blessing we will send you a coupon for a drink, buy 6 and get one half off, and people call us cheap.

We are the I-R-S. The Irritating Repeat Sinners.

“Because of the novel coronavirus, this Passover you will have to PASS OVER our house for seder dinner.”

Walking outside now is like traversing a lunar landscape. The streets are uncommonly deserted except for someone in a mask passing once in a while, like a scene from “World War Z,” the famous 2006 zombie apocalyptic horror novel written by Max Brooks, son of comedian Mel Brooks and actress Ann Bancroft. A friend lent the book to me to re-read, and you know what? Instead of being escapist literary horror, it was more like a documentary. 🙂

This is how far we’ve come.

Dear President Trump,

I know that you graduated from the Wharton School with a degree in economics. I doubt whether you ever took a poetry course or even heard of Robert Frost, an American poet who won four Pulitzer Prizes and spoke at JFK’s inauguration in 1961 (an event which of course was not as greatly attended as yours). I know that the Pulitzer Prize probably doesn’t mean as much to you as the Presidential Medal of Freedom which you presented to your friend Rush Limbaugh at your State of the Union event, but some of us think that it’s a very prestigious award. Anyway, the Frost poem I’d like you to read is called “Mending Wall,” and I think it pertains to your immigration policies as well as your personal outlook. Here it is, Mr. President, and if you could spare the time, I’d appreciate a tweet as to whether you like it or not. Thanks again.

MENDING WALL

Something there is that doesn’t love a wall,
That sends the frozen-ground-swell under it,
And spills the upper boulders in the sun;
And makes gaps even two can pass abreast.
The work of hunters is another thing:
I have come after them and made repair
Where they have left not one stone on a stone,
But they would have the rabbit out of hiding,
To please the yelping dogs. The gaps I mean,
No one has seen them made or heard them made,
But at spring mending-time we find them there.
I let my neighbor know beyond the hill;
And on a day we meet to walk the line
And set the wall between us once again.
We keep the wall between us as we go.
To each the boulders that have fallen to each.
And some are loaves and some so nearly balls
We have to use a spell to make them balance:
‘Stay where you are until our backs are turned!’
We wear our fingers rough with handling them.
Oh, just another kind of out-door game,
One on a side. It comes to little more:
There where it is we do not need the wall:
He is all pine and I am apple orchard.
My apple trees will never get across
And eat the cones under his pines, I tell him.
He only says, ‘Good fences make good neighbors.’
Spring is the mischief in me, and I wonder
If I could put a notion in his head:
‘Why do they make good neighbors? Isn’t it
Where there are cows? But here there are no cows.
Before I built a wall I’d ask to know
What I was walling in or walling out,
And to whom I was like to give offense.
Something there is that doesn’t love a wall,
That wants it down.’ I could say ‘Elves’ to him,
But it’s not elves exactly, and I’d rather
He said it for himself. I see him there
Bringing a stone grasped firmly by the top
In each hand, like an old-stone savage armed.
He moves in darkness as it seems to me,
Not of woods only and the shade of trees.
He will not go behind his father’s saying,
And he likes having thought of it so well
He says again, ‘Good fences make good neighbors.’

See…
That’s the real God Father!

You’re God the father
And I’m the godfather.
The difference isn’t worth the bother,
So don’t get in a lather
Or give me any blather
Or threaten to resign.
We don’t have to compete.
You work your side of the street
And I’ll work mine.

A WRONG BET

If someone had had a crystal ball and said that a virus would soon be taking us all down, I’d have bet on a computer virus obliterating all of our accounts and records worldwide.

Which virus would be worse?

Don’t call me, I’ll pray to you.

If you follow me. We will come and see. This virus what will be. The president doesn’t know . So just stop,think, and go. Woman or Man. I know that you can. Take a stand. Not a demand. Be healthy everyday. So you will not pass away. Make this world a better place. Join the rest of the human race. Make more space. Don’t be a disgrace. To God like in this cartoon. Float on a cloud or a balloon. Teach me how to rhyme. Tell me what’s the time. Is it a new age. To find out simply turn the page. Belong to each other. Respect father and or mother. Fly me to the moon but do not make it too soon. God is looking at the mob. Drawing this cartoon was a job. Practice social distancing. To leave your spirit glistening. Never be rude. If you cannot change the situation, change your attitude. Allow me to repeat. To turn up the heat. I’m giving you every chance. To join the verbal dance. Hit it from the top. I shouldn’t stop. Understand this. This is not a diss. I won’t miss. Brother or sis. To life I send a kiss. If there is one wish. It would be to have a tasty fish. On a little sparkling dish. This is the end of my poem. Do believe that I know em, and I will most definitely show em. Here I stand anew, I must say adieu. Farewell my friend this is not the end. We’ll come back and play pretend. Of pirate ships, and training tips, and sunsets all aglow. How to brush your teeth, and how to weed and mow. Good days lie before you. While bad ones trail behind, they do. One more thing, never forget to use and train your mind. Be kind.

Delano, thanks. It’s beautiful. “Fly me to the moon but do not make it too soon” reminds me of Loretta Lynn’s song and also the title of a new book, “Everybody Wants to Go to Heaven but Nobody Wants to Die” and also of the old joke:

Doctor: I have some good news and some bad news for you.
Patient: Give me the good news first.
Doctor: When you die, you’re going to heaven and you’ll be surrounded by angels playng wonderful music on their harps.
Patient: Wow! What’s the bad news?
Doctor: You’re going tomorrow.

Delano, keep your words coming. They’re tonic for the soul.

Thanks once again, Gerald. I always appreciate your incredible, insight so much. Cheers!

Marvin, re your March 25th “A History Lesson for a Cloudy Day,” here’s something from the new book “The Secret History of Magic: The True Story” by Peter Lamont and Jim Steinmeyer:

“Houdini arrived in London in 1900, strode purposefully onto the stage, pulled off his coat, and, in an unmistakable American accent, challenged anyone in his audience to restrain him: lock him up, tie him up, or handcuff him. He was now working as an escape artist. It was a sensation. The act was part dare, part showmanship, part exhibitionism. His early advertising called him ‘The weird, Mystifying and Inexplicable … Positively the Only Conjurer in the World Who Strips Stark Naked.’ That was an exaggeration, of course, but Houdini was certainly known for his special underwater escapes, and his publicity photographs featured the muscular young man daringly posed in bathing trunks.’

Who knew that Houdini would one day die from a ruptured appendix caused by a blow to his abdomen by a young student responding to a dare.

Thanks, Marvin, as always.

Another free cartoon idea for someone who can draw better than I can:

“My wife and I have decided to practice social distancing for the sake of our mutual health. She’s in Reno now, filing for divorce.”

“Don’t be an outcast, join our hardened criminal group and become a WANTED MAN!”

Marvin,

No, you’re the creator and I’m merely the commentator. Without your creation of all the delicacies you bring to the table, I’d have nothing to feast on. So all the thanks go to you.

Reminding me of the very old story of Mr. and Mrs. Baked Potato who had a daughter, a very beautiful Sweet Potato, and became very upset when she decided to marry Sean Hannity.

“But why can’t I marry him?” she wailed.

“You can’t,” they replied, “because he’s a COMMON tater.”

(Ouch! At this point I could use malpractice insurance.)

Gerald,

Let me be the creator of the following scenario.

An old lady in her nineties is riding a bus in Florida. You are sitting next to her and she begins to complain that people in the U.S. don’t know how to treat an elderly woman. She explains that she was born in the early 1930s. She rambles on how disciplined the Germans were especially under Hitler.
+++
Now how would you react to this woman (especially as a renowned commentator)?
(1) Ignore her
(2) Move your seat
(3) Answer her
(4) Speak in a foreign language
(5) Faint sickness
(6) (Something other than violence)

One day a man went to a psychiatrist, complaining and complaining that he was dead. There was nothing that the psychiatrist could say that would convince the patient that he was very much alive. Finally, in desperation, the doctor took out a needle and jabbed it into the patient’s arm.

“What is that?” the psychiatrist asked.

“Blood,” the patient answered.

Triumphantly, the doctor pounced.

“Aha! And what does that prove?” he asked.

The patient leaned back.

“Simple,” Doc, he said.

“It proves that dead people bleed.”

Marvin, I learned long ago that if a person has a mind-set, it is almost impossible to convince him or her. So I would not get into an argument with the woman. I might point out that even if dictators were efficient, their brutality did more harm than good and that even if monsters like Mussolini and Hitler might have made the trains run on time, their rule caused immense misery and hardship on their people. But I wouldn’t count on her accepting my words, so I’d take a clove of garlic out of my pocket that I’d kept for days like this and I’d chew on it and breathe right into her face until she excused herself to somehow find a gas mask.

P.S. I actually once knew someone who did chew garlic. Coming home from work in a crowded subway car, he’d lean down and breathe out deeply and say, “I wish I had a seat.”

As he explained to me, “You’d be surprised at how many people jumped up to offer me their seat.”

Marvin, if I met YOU on the subway, I’d pat you on the back and invite you to have a drink and a blessing on me. 🙂

Gerald,

Your response was justifiable and accurate considering the circumstances. We all make mistakes that should have been avoided. We must be reminded that life is short and precious. The world will be a better place when we stop to smell the roses and enjoy (a drink or two with a blessing)!

Actually, Marvin, the use of garlic by all might very well be the solution to the coronavirus problem (and I say this only half tongue-in-cheek). First of all, it would promote social distancing, as who wants to inhale garlic breath? Second, garlic has long been recognized for its medicinal properties and has been called nature’s antibiotic, as well as playing a part in fighting cancer and increasing the elasticity of the arteries; it has also been claimed that “the anti-microbial properties found in garlic make it an excellent remedy for various respiratory infections” and, in general, it boosts the immune system and helps protect against the flu. Third, garlic has always had a reputation for being a powerful charm against evil spirits, including witches, sorcerors and vampires–really ironic because the coronavirus is said to have started in bats from the Yunnan province in Southern China!

I rest my case!

We’re being tried next week in court. We’re trying to bribe everyone, and since you are both the judge and the jury. We thought we would come see you first.

We are going to the movies. A new “My Little Pony”, film is playing. Do you wanna come?

Quick, “create” us an alibi?

QUOTE OF THE DAY

“I see Cuomo as the Democratic nominee this year. If we could switch Biden out for him, that’s the winner.”

He added, “He’s unlikable, which I really like.”

—Bill Maher

########################################################

My thought for the day: Donald Trump is a genius in his own diabolical way. He’ll be spending trillions of dollars on his reelection, and not a penny of this will be his own money, making former Mayor Bloomberg look like a fool for spending $500 million of his OWN money to gain him a win in, of all places, American Samoa, whose total population is less than 56,000 and whose residents are not even American citizens. It’s a joke, but somehow I don’t feel ;like laughing.

Replicate us some real money, if you don’t mind?

“This town isn’t big enough for the three of us.”

“If you knew what was good for you, you wouldn’t be all seeing”

“I’m always under a cloud of uncertainty, so don’t further cloud my atmosphere!”

“I don’t know if Sammy has the virus, but as a precaution, I’m going to keep him six feet under.”

You look just like my ex-wife.

Let’s play a game. I’ll throw somebody from this building and you can catch them.

“Whaddya kvetching for? Didn’t you tell Abraham to sacrifice Isaac?”

PART OF HOWARD STERN INTERVIEW WITH JERRY SEINFELD

Jerry: I’m not big on enjoyment … I don’t think it’s that important.

Howard: When “Seinfeld first came on, it wasn’t doing that well.

Jerry: Didn’t do well for four years. We had horrible ratings.

Howard: I think in this environment today, they wouldn’t even keep “Seinfeld” on.

Jerry: You know, I’m never not working on material. Ever.

Howard: So even when you’re sitting with your wife, you’re sitting with the kids, it’s the material.

Jerry: Everything. Every second of my existence, I’m thinking, “Could I do something with that?”

Howard: Right. I imagine you like that, and that to me sounds torturous. You cannot let go. So if I came over to your house, and we were hanging out, you’re kind of really looking for material.

Jerry: Not kind of. I’m looking for material all the time.

Howard: So when you’re with your wife, are you authentically with your wife?

Jerry: No, I’m not authentically with her, nor am I authentically with you right now.

Howard: Right. You are somewhere else.

Jerry: Yeah. I’m looking for a joke right now. There’s nothing here. Nothing!:

:

Another free cartoon idea for anyone (and that means everyone) who can draw better than I can:

“Social distancing isn’t a new thing for me. I’ve been texting for years.”

“Coronavirus is a dangerous illness. But, to use a face mask in my hood you will be targeted with SICK REVENGE!”

This too shall pass over.

“In my neighborhood, a TAKE-OUT means that if the coronavirus doesn’t kill you, then the HIT SQUAD will be the DEADLY VECTOR!”

All rise, here comes The Judge.

“You are proof that our new synthetic drugs get you HIGHER!”

“I made him an offer he refused!”

“He said his mother’s chicken noodle soup was better than Mrs. God’s!”

“Don’t make me come up there!”

“What’s the big deal? You wanted to sacrifice Isaac, I want to sacrifice Sammy.”

You discovered the Jersey Boys?

“My bodyguard loves Guns & Roses, so that makes him a FRAGRANT KILLER!”

I Don’t think it’s the feds this time Garbonie

Marvin, as usual your posts are filled with food for thought, and I feel I should respond to your March 23rd and 24th posts on phobias and other mental conditions. Here’s a quote from Jan Eastgate, president of the Citizens Commission on Human Rights International:

“Psychiatrists have labeled everything as a mental illness from nose picking (rhinotillexomania) to altruism, playing the lottery and playing with action dolls. They market the spurious idea that DSM disorders such as spelling and mathematics disorders and caffeine withdrawal are as legitimate as cancer and diabetes.”

She continues: “Ever had a fight with your spouse? Then you’re suffering from Relational Disorder. Are you a bit lazy? Then you’ve got Sluggish Cognitive Tempo Disorder. Then there’s Binge Eating Disorder, Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder, Post-Traumatic Embitterment Disorder. Have you ever honked your horn in anger? Then you’re suffering from Intermittent Explosive Disorder.”

Marvin, I now need your help. I’m suffering from Fear of a Worldwide Depression Disorder. What should I do?

Maybe I’m reading too much of the writings of Paul Krugman.

Marvin, be well. We need you.

‘’ What do you mean thou shall not hoard is number 11? ‘’

‘’ Rather than thinking of this as a sin, I prefer you consider it a win-win for both of us. I’m going to through him over, and he gets to safely shelter in place up there”.

Gerald,

My answer to any situation is COMMON SENSE! We don’t really need a lot of fancy words to explain a given situation. We don’t especially need an established authority to tell us what is right or wrong. For example, if 99 people tell you to jump off a mountain, but 1 person says do not jump, who will you follow? A better connotation would be POSITIVE vs NEGATIVE! If someone says to you, “It’s raining outside, so my day is ruined.” My reply would be, “Yes, but the flowers will bloom and the grass will be green.” When you think about how terrible the world might become, then consider how amazing the world was at one time. Next, people need to act and make improvements! Does this help you?
+++
Perhaps you could enlighten us in the following situation. You are elected Superintendent of Schools, and your priorities include organizing new programs for schools that are not now taught. What would you suggest? If you require help to succeed, then I will assist you and hope others will join along.

“My Hatchet Man does not use this weapon any longer, because he was told that it is inhumane to cause a SPLIT PERSONALITY!”

+++
Dedicated to Gerald Lebowitz.

Yet another free cartoon idea for some cartoonist who wishes to achieve creative immortality:

Father and son watching TV, obviously a western. Father says to son:

“In the old days it was different. The bad men wore masks. Today the bad men are the ones that don’t wear masks.”

“I’d like you to do us a favor though: Let us plead the 5th with regard to our violating your 5th – Commandment.”

“Don’t abandon your SHIP until you reach land!” (After all, it worked for Noah.)

It’s a Puzzlement

It isn’t such an easy task
When everyone wears gloves and mask
To separate one’s friend from foe
Or even know which way to go,
And makes Jews everywhere perplexed
About which holiday is next.
If people ask, I try my best to to assure ’em
It’s really Passover that’s coming up,
Not Purim.

“Are you bald from trichotillomania or LIGHTHEADEDNESS?” (Let me know if you are scratching your head over this question?)

Marvin,

A man was constantly teased over his baldness. Later, someone asked him whether all the teasing bothered him.

“No,” he replied.

“After all, I use my mind a lot and, as you know, grass doesn’t grow on busy streets.”

Another man was getting a haircut, and his barber casually remarked, “Your hair is getting thin.

Without missing a beat, the customer answered, “Good. Who wants fat hair?”

At this point there should be a drumroll.

Happy Passover.

After taxing and tithing, my stimulus check needs a blessing.

Marvin, re your question, “Do I need to WIGgle out of this one, or just keep a hat on top of this?”

Is this a real inquiry, or are you merely splitting hairs?

Dale, you always bless all of us with your comments.

Thanks.

“What are you looking at us for? You, above all, know that in our racket, someone always has to take the fall.”

The holiday of Passover begins tonight. Does anybody see the irony? The holiday is meant to celebrate the liberation of the Israelites from Egypt set in motion by plagues that forced the pharaoh to free them from bondage. Today it is a very plague that reduces freedom and confines and isolates rather than liberates.

There’s a proverb that says that history repeats itself, which Mark Twain modified to read, “History doesn’t repeat itself; it rhymes.”

It’s a very bad rhyme—this time around.

“Did you hear about the furloughs & business shutdowns? What advice would you give the employees that don’t know what to do, and have their heads up in a CLOUD OF CONFUSION?”

We just wanted to welcome you to the “City Of Angels”.

The real reason the deadline for federal income tax filing this year was recently moved down from April 15th to July 15th is that President Trump discovered that April 15th was also the deadline for the submission of a caption to “Moment” for the current cartoon; and, being the sensitive and thoughtful person that he is and wanting to stay in the good graces of the Jewish community, he did not want there to be a conflict.

As good an explanation as any. Isn’t it? 🙂

“At Passover seder, we learned that pharaoh was just another MUMMY’S BOY.”

Marvin,

Do you know the most popular love song that mummies once sang to each other? It was introduced to the public by singers Bobby Vinton and Tony Bennett:

Be-gauze of you there’s a song in my heart
Be-gauze of you my romance had its start
Be-gauze of you the sun will shine
The moon and stars will say you’re mine
Forever and never to part.

Now if you had been a mummy, wouldn’t those lyrics have made you rapt?

Marvin,

I salute a master!

Maybe homeopathy has something to it after all. It says that the smaller the dose, the more effective the treatment. And what could be smaller than a virus yet more effective than a wall in its ability to separate?

Have you heard the phrase, “Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition?” Well, in this case, the ammunition is a vaccine for coronavirus. (Stick it to me, Lord!)

Are you needling us again, Marvin?

Marvin,

Actually, “Praise the Lord and Pass the Ammunition” expresses a sentiment that always reminds me of humorist Jean Shepherd’s “In God We Trust; All Others Pay Cash”: Have as much faith in everything as you can, but always watch your own back. Not a bad attitude, especially with all the “fake news” and misstatements and deceptions going around.

You would’ve liked Jean Shepherd. He was funny, but, like yours and Delano’s and Dale’s, his humor always opened the door to a deeper truth. Thanks.

He’s God, the Father. I’m the Godfather. Does that clear it up for you?

We’re your new bowling buddies.

I’ll make you an offering you can’t refuse.

“You have that thousand-yard stare. You must be looking for Gerald Lebowitz, Delano Britt, and Dale Stout.”

So that’s the Godfather?!?!?

“You’ll never be worshipped in this town again.”

“For once, spare me the holier-than-thou attitude.”

“Yeah? Well, I come from the shul of hard knocks.”

“Take all the world, but Delancey Street is mine.”

“I am the real GODFATHER here. That strange looking guy next to me is the ODDFATHER!”

I wish I were Tom Lehrer. The ex-Harvard math professor and popular singer-songwriter once wrote and sang many very funny songs parodying our foibles. If I were Professor Lehrer, I’d write a long song with each verse specifying one of our president’s actions but each chorus ending with, “But he brought the U.S. Embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem,” an act absolving him of all blame and whitewashing all his mistakes.

But I’m not Tom Lehrer, and the man is over ninety now, so you’ll have to guess at what he might have written. He certainly would have plenty of material, too much for even him to make fun of. Alas!

Well, I started something. I kept thinking, if I WERE Tom Lehrer and wanted to write a song about our president, what would the chorus be? Off the top of my head, something like this:

Remember Huck Finn and Tom Sawyer whitewashing the fence, whitewashing the fence, whitewashing the fence?
Then picture Donald J. Trump and Vice President Pence
Doing their best to make us believe
That they’re both not depraved,
That their term has been saved
By moving the U.S. Embassy to Jerusalem from Tel Aviv.

OK, OK, I’m no Tom Lehrer, which you already knew.
But at least I got that off my chest.

“Can’t we go back to ten plagues instead of one FAKAKTA one?”

“I am sometimes taken aback by how people can have a miserable day or get angry because they feel cheated by a bad meal, a cold coffee, a social rebuff, or a rude reception. There is difficulty in seeing the true odds of the events that rule our own lives. We are quick to forget that just being alive is an extraordinary piece of good luck, a remote event, a chance occurrence of monstrous proportions.

“Imagine a speck of dust next to a planet a billion times the size of the earth. The speck of dust represents the odds in favor of your being born; the huge planet would be the odds against it. So stop sweating the small stuff. Don’t be like the ingrate who got a castle as a present and worried about the mildew in the bathroom. Stop looking the gift horse in the mouth.

“Remember that you are a Black Swan.”

—-Nassim Taleb

“Social distancing is bad for us loan sharks. When borrowers don’t pay back their loans, then we can’t get close enough to break their arms, legs, or heads!”

Marvin, you reveal that for a loan shark you do have a very good heart. It seems that if under normal circumstances borrowers don’t pay back their loans, you’re always ready to give them a break.

And not only borrowers. You give all of us here a break. For example, your sense of humor always fractures me.

You heal more people with your humor than physicians do.

The end of another contest, and now the intermission. The houselights go up, and we anticipate another cartoon soon. There’s hope that people like Justin Gray will one day return. But meanwhile, a story to assuage the pain of the coronavirus:

A priest, a minister, and a rabbit are drinking in a bar when a doctor rushes in and says, “I need a blood donor for a transfusion right away.”

The priest says, “I’d be glad to donate. What is the patient’s blood type?”

“Type O,” says the physician.

“That lets me out,” says the priest; and the minister, too, nods his head.

The rabbit gets up, smiling, and rolls up his sleeve.

“I’ll be the donor,” he smiles.

“I’m a typo.”

Now unless you decide to run me out of town on a rail for this, we can wait together for the next contest.

“You can watch disaster movies on Netflix, but they pale in comparison to daily updates at the White House briefings!”

“At least this time, there aren’t enough of us for 10 plagues.”

Marvin,

If the White House briefings were horror flicks, wouldn’t Mike Pence make either a perfect silent Frankenstein or a great zombie like one of those created by Max Brooks?

Trump? I see him as one of the Three Stooges, the other two maybe being Mitch McConnell and Sean Hannity, except that the real Three Stooges only caused headaches to themselves.

Joe Biden I see as a ventriloquist’s dummy, manipulated by the Democratic establishment anxious to maintain the status quo.

Hardly an election to get excited about, except as a chance to get rid of the greater of two evils,

“According to mad scientists, there are two solutions for avoiding novel coronavirus. One is mutating to another humanoid form, or choose to travel to outer space by yourself!”

How about a third solution? It’s been estimated that each of us contains moire than 350 TRILLION viruses (known as the human virome). They’re even more us than we are. (A biologist I know laughingly says that he now refers to himself in the plural.) The job confronting future scientists will be to somehow study the terrain and try to examine our deepest selves rather than to plunge in with drugs the results of which we can’t be sure and try to wipe out an army when we can’t tell the good guys from the bad.

By the way, Marvin, we could never travel to outer space by ourselves. Our tiny friends would always travel with us, wherever we went. 🙂

“You seem to be on a MOB mission of higher understanding. With that in mind, can you predict if my future has a lot of monetary GANG profits?”

“I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse… you keepa your turf there in that Heaven, and stay 6′ away from me… I keepa my turf in Brooklyn and keep Covid19 away from you.”
Joel Alpert, Atlanta

In 1935, the great Irving Berlin wrote “Cheek to Cheek,” a song to be sung by Fred Astaire to Ginger Rogers in a movie called “Top Hat.” But no matter how beautiful some things are, sometimes they have to be changed to meet modern conditions. (We’re now in a different depression from the one in which the song was written.) In the spirit of today’s social distancing, here is how I would alter the lyrics of Irving Berlin’s masterpiece.

Irving, please, don’t turn over in your grave:

Heaven, I’m in heaven
And my heart beats so that I forget each task
And I seem to find the happiness I ask
When we’re out together dancing mask to mask.

It’s heaven, I’m in heaven
And the cares that hung around me through each task
Seem to vanish like an addict’s wine-filled cask
When we’re out together dancing mask to mask.

Oh, I’d love to climb a mountain
And complete the hardest task
But it doesn’t thrill me half as much
As dancing mask to mask

Oh, I’d love to go out fishing,
In the warmest sunshine bask,
But I don’t enjoy it half as much
As dancing mask to mask.

Now Mamma, dance with me
I want my arms about you
The charms about you
Will carry me through

It’s heaven, I’m in heaven
And my heart beats so that I forget each task
And I seem to find the happiness I ask
When we’re out together dancing mask to mask

Oh, I’d love to go out fishing,
In the warmest sunshine bask
But I don’t enjoy it half as much
As dancing mask to mask

Come on, and dance with me
I want my arm about you
The charm about you
Will carry me through to heaven.

I can’t resist adding this approximate quote that most of you must have read from Ann Richards, former governor of Texas who once complained about all the adulation Fred Astaire was getting at the expense of Ginger Rogers. Although born in Missouri, Ginger Rogers did live in Texas, so I guess the former governor was feeling protective of her.

“”After all,” Ms. Richards said, “Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, except backwards and in high heels.”

He doesn’t look happy about what’s gong on down here.

News item:

“Due to the coronavirus, professional gamblers in Nevada likely will be able to file for and receive unemployment benefits.”

Hey, it’s a job like any other, right? I’ll lay you 3 to 2 odds they collect.

Jimmy Durante was, I’d say, the most beloved man in show business in the early twentieth century. He was a singer, comedian, actor, and jazz pianist.  His favorite saying was, “Did you ever have the feeling that you wanted to go? Did you ever have the feeling that you wanted to stay?”

What brought this on? A feature in today’s New York Times that made me paraphrase the “schnozz,” as Durante was affectionately called (he had a big nose): Did you ever have a feeling that you wanted to laugh? Did you ever have the feeling that you wanted to cry? Well, here’s part of the article that brought on both feelings in me:

“At a daily White House briefing, William N. Bryan, the head of science at the Department of Homeland Security, told the gathering that the government had tested how sunlight and disinfectants–including bleach and alcohol–can kill the coronavirus on surfaces in as little as 30 seconds. Mr. Trump got excited:

‘Supposing we hit the body with a tremendous–whether it’s ultraviolet or just very powerful light–and I think you said, that hasn’t been checked but you’re going to test it. And then I said supposing you brought the light inside the body, which you can do, either through the skin or in some other way. I see the disinfectant where it knocks it out in a minute. And is there a way we can do something like that by injection inside, or almost a cleaning? Because you see it gets in the lungs and it does a tremendous number on the lungs, so it would be interesting to check that.'”

There’s more, but I don’t want to prolong the agony. The president reminded me a little of Dr. Josef Mengele, the Nazi death camp doctor known as the Angel of Death. (Apparently, our president doesn’t know, among many other things, the difference between a medication and a disinfectant.)

If he had known before about the curative powers of heat, however, he might not have moved the U.S. Embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem, his crowning achievement, since Tel Aviv is hotter and more humid than Jerusalem, which is cooler, being on a hill.

I guess I’ll never know how many of you laughed and how many of you cried. Jimmy Durante, I miss you. You were intentionally funny.

Viruses are ancient, appearing on this planet even before cellular life. An epidemiologist once called them “traveling genes.” Here’s a statement by professor of biology Dave Wessner:

“A virus is a nonliving packet of genetic material wrapped in a protein coat. Without a metabolism of its own, a virus can infect a host cell and hijack its chemistry to produce more viruses, which burst the host and go on to infect new hosts.”

Is it possible that they are our very building blocks?

Overheard at the supermarket: “Re-electing Trump at this time would be like hiring a plumber to do a colonoscopy.”

Well, I guess that is one way of putting it.

Overheard at the supermarket, part II:

Two women, each wearing a full surgical mask, chatting across an aisle and then parting, with one saying to the other, “It was very nice seeing you again.”

Robert D. Diamant, I hope that you’re sharpening your humor knives for the next contest. You only entered once in this one, on February 28th. The repartee hasn’t been the same without you. Do we have to take out a contract on you to get you to submit? If so, the godfather from the current cartoon might be a good person to help us. But it shouldn’t have to come to that. And Jim Gorman, your absence always leaves a cavity that no dentist could fill.

Let us hear from you guys? Thanks.

Gerald Lebowitz,

Let me take responsibility for the reason you don’t hear from certain individuals. As I come from a family of FORTUNE-TELLERS, certain spells were cast way into the future by my family. One of those spells referred to anyone who didn’t laugh at my future funny comments (cartoon captions), then they would disappear for a period of time. So, since I am probably not so funny (mostly silly), then especially talented people don’t laugh and shy away. Well, I shall endeavor to improve my funny-bone cartoon captions to allow more people to laugh and then add their humor. THIS TO SHALL PASS! AMEN.

Marvin, amen. By the way, you are funny in the nicest possible way.

(P.S. Now that I know how adept you are with spells, I hope that you’ll correct any spelling errors in my or anyone else’s comments. Thanks.)

Is it safe to go out yet?

I never hit below the Borscht Belt.

Humor is my defense mechanism. Is there a problem with that?

Free association? That’s going to cost you.

I like this god. He’s a funny god.

“Our opponents stand on this steep ledge. On my orders, my timid BIG MAN becomes a PUSHOVER!”

I like you, you know. You’ve got a nice face.

Is this the Zionist Zoominar?

Are you the miracle on the Hudson?

Which kind of pizza do you prefer? Chicago, New York or Kosher?

Have I got a cartoon for you? Do we look like Bob Mankoff and Benjamin Schwartz?

You mean he’s even got a hotel up there?

“It takes a thermometer to take your temperature, and you know where you can stick it!”

“If you are feeling isolated and in need of some company, then I can sign you up for some ROBO calls!”

“Whatever you are doing while hovering overhead, just DON’T FLUSH!”

You look like a guy who could use a weekend in Vegas….

What do you think of when I say the word — TIMESHARE?

What do you mean you never saw Part III?!

To be honest wit you, your son asked us for a heap of fishes, but we may have, ah, misinterpreted that particular request.

Hey, are you Vince’s brudda?

I’m funny how I mean, like I’m a clown?

Why did you let it happen?! How could you do this us!? Why was the last episode of The Sopranos so terrible?!

My garage sale went better than expected!

Look, it’s Shep, my faithful sheepdog. Right behind that old guy.

“Sorry, but I use DIAL-A-PRAYER!”

We will send you a claim you can’t refute.

What do you mean you can’t make it to my son’s Bar Mitzvah?!

“Sorry, but in this age of covid 19, we’ve gotten used to only a virtual God.”

Rocco, I think you’re gonna need more than the brass knuckles to get us out of this one.

“This isn’t the way we do things today. If you want a conference call, we’ve got to do it through Zoom.”

“You were the One who started social distancing. Just keep it that way.”

“The past is the past, so pass on bye and be part of the past!”

“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.” Send some to me because they are all out at the grocery store!

“You can call on me at any time. But, you need to call my shyster lawyer first!”

Look who I got for the flood scene!

“Oh God, I think it is going to rain!”

“You’re making ME an offer I can’t refuse? Mister, you’ve got your wires crossed.”

A REVIEW OF MOB BOSSES

(1) Mob bosses are not necessarily bad guys. When I “WHACK” someone, I always mention that it was business and not personal. (I never murder just eliminate.)

(2) Mob bosses send flowers to the family gravesite to express their condolences after a HIT. (A mob boss like me is just a MENSCH at funerals.)

(3) Mob bosses donate money to religious organizations to cleanse their souls! (May God have mercy on me after my large contribution. AMEN! HALLELUJAH!)

(To be sung to the tune of “I Have a Little Dreidel”)

My only friend’s this golem,
I made him out of clay.
He is completely loyal,
He does just what I say.
I trust him so completely,
I no longer have to pray.
So, God, please get my message:
Take a hike—-just go away!

I’ve been wearing my face mask for some time now, and the thing is, everybody recognizes me! So how could all the masked crimefighters of my old comic books have gotten away with it, able to hide their identities wearing much flimsier masks than I was? And Superman, the greatest and most profitable superhero of all (at least profitable to everyone but his creators, who depended on meager pensions from DC to survive), what disguise did he have? Superman just uncurled his hair and donned eyeglasses to become Clark Kent, whom no one then recognized as the Man of Steel. Some disguise, huh? If anyone had suggested that to you as a concept, would you have accepted it? Nah, and you would have then lost the chance to make millions of dollars.

At least one thing is clear. Those of us who are so covered will have very weird tans as the sun shines down on us more and more brightly this summer.

A prayer a day keeps the coffins away.

Mob Boss, Mob Boss, he’s the man. If he cannot do it, God sure can.

Smile, your on Mobster TV.

If you know everything, then does that mean you know what you don’t know.

Ha, ha you know everything. I don’t, ignorance is bliss. I guess that is why you have that big old frown.

Down with sickness. Up with air.

God, one of your dumb trees gave me a splinter, on my eye- poking finger.

Don’t count on love, I whacked him yesterday.

My hand has a fungus. Kiss my finger instead.

There’s nothing in the stores. Let’s mob the factories.

Apples or Oranges?

There’s nothing in the factories. Let’s mob the farms. There’s nothing on the farms, let’s mob God.

I’m going to awkwardly point at you, until you feel sorry for me and give me money.

Where’s your mask?

It is true what they say. God is but a prayer that way.

Can’t you tell, he’s smiling on the inside.

I need a new guardian angel. Mine quit.

Pray, Pray, as fast as you can. You can’t reach me, I’m a sinning man.

Don’t try to change me. I’m a walking sin.

Happy rest of Monday. This is the first of the rest of Monday.

“Do you know what is scarier than skydiving and bungee jumping? The answer is a stock market that is FREE FALLING!” (Of course, when you are in a cloud, then you can understand the comparisons.)

Jim G., there’s nothing the NRA loves more than a mass shooting. For after each one, sales of guns go sky high——for protection of course (“since obviously society is incapable of taking care of me, I’ll have to take care of myself”). Reminding me of these lyrics from the soliloquy in the Rodgers and Hammerstein musical “The King and I,” spoken-sung by the perplexed king as he paced the floor:

“Shall I join with other nations in alliance?
If allies are weak, am I not best alone?
If allies are strong with power to protect me,
Might they not protect me out of all I own?

“Is a danger to be trusting one another?
One will seldom want to do what other wishes.
But unless someday somebody trust somebody,
There’ll be nothing left on earth excepting fishes.”

Thanks for the post, as always.

e trusting one another
One will seldom want to do what other wishes
But unless someday somebody trust somebody
There’ll be nothing left on e

Marvin,

There’s nothing free about a free-falling stock market, unless the term refers to one’s bank account being free of all the money that it used to have.

Marvin,

In other words, you want me to get ready to pass the buck?

As far as my own health is concerned, at my last physical my doctor told me that I was as sound as a dollar.

(On second thought, should I take that as a good report?)

To President Trump

You made a very strange statement this past Sunday.
You said that you’ve been treated worse than Lincoln.
I hope that you think about this matter one day
And that you allow my thought somehow to sink in,
But what is far, far worse than being underrated
Is to, as Lincoln did, go out one evening and be assassinated.

Wasn’t the coronavirus enough? Now we have the “murder hornets” (Asian giant hornets). What a way to suffer, coughing & then getting stung in the TUCHUS!

OK, I admit it. Talking about Donald Trump is wasteful.
So let’s go on to something more tasteful. (Thanks to Joanna O’Leary):

“The name Haagen-Dazs leads many to assume it to be Nordic in origin. But this internationally renowned ice cream with over $2 billion in annual sales was actually the brainchild of a Polish Jew named Reuben Mattus.

“Just after immigrating to America with his widowed mother in the 1920s at the age of 10, Mattus went to work for his uncle’s Italian lemonade ice business in Brooklyn. By the early 1930s, the family had expanded its product line to include chocolate-covered ice cream bars, ice cream pops and ice cream sandwiches.

“Mattus was convinced he could deliver even higher quality ice cream to his customers, and engaged in a thorough self-education in the science and culinary methodology required to create the richest, most superior confections. Mattus’ real stroke of genius, however, was his recognition that his new ultra-premium ice cream needed a cosmopolitan cache to make it appeal to his target audience: sophisticated, moneyed Americans.
Thus he decided to give it a “foreign-sounding” name. specifically a Danish-ish one to pay tribute to that country’s efforts to save Jews during World War II.”

P. S. The popularity of Haagen-Dazs seems to put the lie to Juliet’s thought in “Romeo and Juliet” that “a rose by any other name would smell as sweet,” doesn’t it? 🙂

Jim G, a question related to your recent post about a local bank requiring face masks for admittance: If you did enter the bank packing heat, how would you know whom to shoot?

(Just trying to be practical, not funny)

WARNING; DO NOT READ THIS POST IF YOUR BLOOD SUGAR IS EVEN SLIGHTLY ELEVATED

(Thanks again to Joanna O’Leary)

“Steve Herrell, whose spouse and business partner was Jewish, observed the strides made by Haagen Dazs in broadening consumers’ tastes for ice cream and decided to capitalize on that momentum by opening an ice cream shop in the 1970s that proffered flavors more exotic than the standard chocolate, vanilla and strawberry. Located in Somerville, Massachusetts, Steve’s served then-novel varieties of creams such as chocolate pudding, cookie dough and peanut butter, as well as affording customers the opportunity to add “mix-ins” like M&Ms, chocolate sandwich cookies, sprinkles and toffee bits.

And just as Herrell had been inspired by Haagen-Dazs, his ice cream innovations would influence other ice cream entrepreneurs, including two mensches who would arguably go on to become America’s greatest creators and purveyors of gourmet ice cream: Ben (Cohen) & Jerry (Greenfield). After witnessing firsthand Herrell perform his mix-in technique at his eponymous parlor, the dynamic duo started their scoop shop in 1978 in Burlington, Vermont. They initially followed Herrell’s style of manually incorporating different toppings, then moved on to churning out pints pre-blended with different candies, baked goods and sauces, thus paving the way for the emergence of Phish Food, Chubby Hubby and other iconic Ben & Jerry’s flavors.

“When it comes to ice cream, how sweet it is to be loved by Jews.”

If you’ve come this far, you deserve a joke (at least I hope it’s a joke):

Mrs. Ginsberg had just had major surgery and was recovering in her room in a metropolitan hospital. A nurse came in and asked her how she was.

“I’m okay,” she said to the nurse, “but maybe you could bring me a little tea.”

“The doctor said that you can’t be fed anything yet,” said the nurse, “but maybe you might like the tea taken intravenously.”

The tea was injected into Mrs. Ginsberg’s vein as the woman lay, eyes closed, on her bed.

Suddenly Mrs. Ginsburg’s eyes opened. “Oy, oy, oy,” she yelled.

“What’s the matter?” the nurse responded. “Too hot?”

“No,” Mrs. Ginsburg responded quickly.

“Too sweet.”

Now please check your blood sugar again.

Unlike you, I am down-and-out. I’m BEGGING to know your secret to success.

(Is the mob boss down-and-out (mentally) due to a “cloud of uncertainty,”
or is the mob boss destitute, or both? For you to decide.)

“The word of god is strong. But wait ’til you try the word of a god and a gun.”

“The word of God is strong. But wait ’til you try the word of a God and a gun.”

I didn’t mean to disparage Shakespeare in teasing whether a Haagen-Dazs by any other name would sell as much. Shakespeare’s words, after all, are full of wisdom.

For example, in this age of the coronavirus, consider the truth of these lines from his history play Henry IV, Part 2: “Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown.”

May I, incidentally, take this space to welcome Bibi, a very gifted creative artist, to the site? We look forward to enjoying many more insightful submissions from you. Thanks.

Thanks to Mike Sossamon for this:

“So often people think that Trump is an idiot because of the way he speaks or debates. I personally have never seen someone have the upper hand on Trump in a debate. Let me explain.

“On a national debate Trump is not debating people, he’s showing strength to viewers watching. He constantly sets traps for the people he’s debating and they fall into them. Go back and watch his debates and you’ll notice these traps that leave people with no wiggle room and they end up looking foolish. Watch him call Bush an interrupter as he was trying to interrupt him, Bush has two options 1) interrupt him again and look like an ass to the audience 2) stay silent and Trump can say whatever he wishes. Later he tells Bush he has low energy, Bush now cannot bring his energy up otherwise he would prove Trump right and look a fool to the audience. Also watch how Trump handled Rubio when he suggested he had a small manhood because he has small hands. Rubio’s attacks became harsher as the “little hands “ comment got attention. Many people backed off supporting Rubio because of how harsh his comments were. Trump responded by calling him a “lightweight, choker and little Rubio.” These comments painted Rubio in a bad light without making Trump look like an ass.

“It wasn’t that his knowledge on a particular topic was vastly superior than theirs, it was simply him not playing their game. The people he’s debating are trying to answer questions and Trump is displaying power to the viewers.

“Why? Because it works! He doesn’t have to be correct with his answers, he just has to let the people watching know that he knows what to do and the others on the stage do not.

“Ever notice how Trump almost never uses big words or technical speak? That’s because the majority of the population wouldn’t understand him. He wants to keep the message very clear and repetitive so people grasp the feeling. Listen to how often he says the words win or great, it’s incredible! He does that because subconsciously people pick up on those words and associate him with win and great.

“I am a very strong debater, yet I would never want to debate Trump on a public platform.”

“It’s a small world after all.” You might have heard that giddy song while visiting DIZZYLAND!

Shakespeare vs. Haagen Dazs, Revisited:

Shakespeare: “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.”
Haagen Dazs: “No—an ice cream by any other name would NOT sell as sweetly.”

(Actually, Shakespeare probably would’ve loved the ice cream.)

“My meshugenah bodyguard would even steal the hair on your head (if you had any) since he is a GONIFF at heart!”

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!

Here’s another (I hope) coronavirus quarantine-breaker:

The phone rings at the nurse’s station in a hospital.

“Hello,” the voice at the other end says.

“Do you have a Mrs. Leonora Goldstein there?”

“Yes, we do,” the nurse replies. “Can I help you?”

“Yes,” says the voice. “I want to know how she’s doing.”

“Well,” the nurse says, “you know that she is recovering from an appendectomy.”

“Yes,” the voice responds. “Is she all right?”

“She’s doing okay,” the nurse says. “You know that she had laparoscopic surgery, which is non-invasive and only involved a few very small incisions.”

The voice persists. “Yes, but when will she be allowed to leave?”

“She should be going home after about 36 hours,” the nurse says.

“Is it normal for her to feel weak and tired?” the voice asks.

“Yes indeed, ” replies the nurse, “even for several days after returning home; and she may very well feel some swelling and pain in her abdomen. She should sleep whenever she feels tired.”

“Thank you more than I can say. You’ve been very helpful,” says the voice.

“You’re more than welcome,” says the nurse. “Can I tell Mrs. Goldstein who called?”

“TELL Mrs. Goldstein?” the person shouts.

“I’M Mrs. Goldstein.

“Nobody tells ME anything.”

Jim, just saw your post of the 9th. It’s ironic that, according to popular belief, bodies of the dead are also supposed to be buried six-feet under, meaning that social distancing is an old story in making funeral arrangements.

I can’t resist this, Jim. The exceptions to this burial requirement are lawyers.

Why? Because deep down they’re nice people. The deeper down, the better.

(Dinah, please tell your brother that he’s excluded from the above categorization. At root I see him not only as a lawyer but as a warm human being with a wonderful sense of humor. You can also tell him that it is his duty to contribute more than he does to this site, although I’ve always enjoyed his top-notch essays in the Forward, among other publications. Thanks.)

“My men affectionately named me after Vlad the Impaler, as BOSS DRECKULA!”
(To me this is a “crappy” title, but probably well deserved.)

Before I was a mob boss, I was a school teacher.

“You can air-out your complaints, but don’t blow hot (coronavirus) air my way!”

Delano, that’s really cool, “Before I was a mob boss, I was a school teacher.” Those two occupations are eerily similar, each with his territory and his dictatorial power and eager supplicants eager to gain favor. I could go on, but the main game in school is figuring out how to please the teacher and score points. John Gotti could have conducted a master class.

Delano, you proved once again, at least for me, that “many a truth is said in jest,” although you might not really have been joking.

Another gem of a submission. Thanks.

Two guys are drinking at a bar. After a while, one of them turns to the other and says, “Man, this world is really spinning. It doesn’t spin this way where I live.”

The other turns and asks, “Exactly where is it that you live?”

“The first guy replies, “On West 21st Street.”

The other, startled, says, “That’s where I live, too. What’s your address?”

The first gives his address, and they are both startled to find that their building is the same and that they, remarkably, are on the very same floor.

At this point a third man turns to the bartender. “Isn’t it amazing what a small world it is, that two guys drinking here in this big city find that they live not only on the same block but in the very same building, even on the very same floor?”

The bartender waves the man away with a bored expression. “Don’t mind them. They’re father and son. They just don’t recognize each other when they’re drunk.” 🙂

“As BOSS DRECKULA, I make it a priority to watch on T.V., STAR DRECK!”

According to the internet, Thomas Jefferson, America’s third president, was the only president to carry around a mockingbird on his shoulder. “He was especially fond of a male mockingbird he named Dick. According to the Thomas Jefferson Encyclopedia, a friend wrote that Jefferson cherished the bird with peculiar fondness, not only for its melodious powers, but for its uncommon intelligence and affectionate disposition. He would leave Dick’s cage open in the White House, allowing the bird to fly around his office, and even carrying him on his shoulder.”

I don’t like to argue with the internet, but the article leaves something out. Donald Trump also carries around a mockingbird on his shoulder.

Her name is Nancy Pelosi.

“The meek shall inherit the earth.” With this in mind, the mafia will provide you a world six feet under the earth when you defy them as you REST IN PEACE!

Marvin,

Here’s a line from one of the lyrics in Lerner and Loewe’s famous musical “Camelot.”

It’s sung by Mordred and goes: “It’s not the earth the meek inherit but the dirt.”

But I’d bet on you inheriting the earth.

Best always.

Marvin, here are the full lyrics to “The Seven Deadly Virtues, ” sung in “Camelot” by the actor Roddy McDowall as Mordred:

“The seven deadly virtues, those ghastly little traps
Oh no, my liege, they were not meant for me
Those seven deadly virtues were made for other chaps
Who love a life of failure and ennui
Take courage; now there’s a sport
An invitation to the state of rigor mort
And purity, a noble yen
And very restful every now and then
I find humility means to be hurt
It’s not the earth the meek inherit, it’s the dirt
Honesty is fatal, it should be taboo
Diligence, a fate I would hate
If charity means giving, I give it to you
And fidelity is only for your mate
You’ll never find a virtue unstatusing my quo
Or making my Beelzebubble burst
Let others take the high road, I will take the low
I cannot wait to rush in where angels fear to go
With all those seven deadly virtues
Free and happy little me has not been cursed!

I carry many bullets for my gun. As grocery prices are sky-high, I “BITE THE BULLET” and leave teeth marks to prove it!

President Trump on Thursday disclosed the results of his most recent coronavirus test, telling reporters he “tested positively toward negative.”

“I tested very positively in another sense,” Trump said on the South Lawn before departing for Michigan to visit a Ford plant that is assembling ventilators. “So this morning, yeah, I tested positively toward negative, right? So no, I tested perfectly this morning. Meaning, meaning I tested negative. But that’s a way of saying it, positively toward the negative.”

I’m getting very worried. For once, I actually think that I understand him.

(Actually, medical terminology is rather weird. If your test results are positive, you start to sweat. If, on the other hand, they’re negative, you heave a sigh of relief.)

Cartoon idea for non-sale:

Undressed patient sitting on examining table facing doctor:

“Actually, doc, I hope that my tests are negative and my outcome is positive.”

🙂

Jim, thanks for everything. I can visualize YOUR cartoon, but the caption I’d come up with would be a little different:

Doctor: Actually, it’s your EARS that I should be examining. I never said that I was going to check your PROSTATE. I said that you should lie PROSTRATE.”

(You may never talk to me again after this.)

This story was called to mind by one of Dinah’s captions from an earlier contest, in which she mentioned the concept of viduy, (confession). It is my fate to remember captions.

It seems that when Kevin turned nineteen, he decided that it was time for him to go through the sacrament of confession. He went into the booth, and his priest welcomed him warmly.

“Father,” Kevin said, “I have committed sins with several girlfriends, and I want to receive God’s grace.”

“Was it with Mary Elizabeth?” the priest asked.

“No, Father,” Kevin answered.

“Was it with Meghan?” the priest persisted.

“No, Father,” said Kevin.

“Was it with Kathleen?”

“No, Father.”

Later, Kevin met one of his friends.

“How’d it go?” asked the friend.

“It went fine,” Kevin said.

“The priest was a pretty nice guy, and I got three good leads.”

As you are hovering for a long time, then you must be waiting for a COVID-19 vaccine. In the meantime, would you like to sing, “It’s a small world after all?”

+++
Dedicated to Jim Gorman. (You don’t have to thank me!)

My big bodyguard was involved in an argument and was recently shot in the butt. Now, I refer to him as my “BIG BADASS!”

Marvin,

Sorry to hear about your bodyguard, but there’s a bright side to his injury. Now he’ll obey you completely, with no ands, ifs OR buts.

Keep writing. Thanks.

How do you break a fast? Each person has a different way. How do you end a quarantine? May I suggest two songs from Stephen Sondheim’s beautiful 1966 television musical “Evening Primrose,” a story about a sensitive man who seeks to escape from the world by hiding in a department store and coming out in the dark after the store closes. The first song is “I Remember”:

I remember sky
It was blue as ink
Or at least I think
I remember sky
I remember snow
Soft as feathers
Sharp as thumb tacks
Coming down like lint
And it made you squint
When the wind would blow
And ice like vinyl
On the streets
Cold as silver
White as sheets
Rain like strings
And changing things
Like leaves
I remember leaves
Green as spearmint
Crisp as paper
I remember trees
Bare as coat racks
Spread like broken umbrellas
And parks and bridges
Ponds and zoos
Ruddy faces
Muddy shoes
Light and noise and
Bees and boys
And days
I remember days
Or at least I try
But as years go by
They’re sort of haze
And the bluest ink
Isn’t really sky
And at times I think
I would gladly die
For a day of sky.

The second song is “Take Me to the World,” sung by the guy to a girl who wants to leave the department store with him to see what she’s missed:

WOMAN:
Let me see the world with clouds,
Take me to the world.
Out where I can push through crowds,
Take me to the world.

A world that smiles
With streets instead of aisles
Where I can walk for miles with you

Take me to the world that’s real
Show me how it’s done
Teach me how to laugh, to feel
Move me to the sun

Just hold my hand whenever we arrive
Take me to a world where I can be alive

MAN:
The world is better here.
I know I’ve seen them both.

WOMAN:
Let me see the world that smiles

MAN:
A poet doesn’t count for much out there

WOMAN:
Take me to the world

MAN:
We’d be cold and hungry in the winter

WOMAN:
Somewhere I can walk for miles

MAN:
A shabby room with cracked plaster.
We’d end up hating each other.

WOMAN:
We’d have fights. You’d cry.
Where birds that make a sound are birds
Let me see the world that’s real

MAN:
I have seen the world

WOMAN:
Show me how it’s done

MAN:
And it’s mean and ugly

WOMAN:
Teach me how to laugh, to feel

MAN:
We could laugh together

WOMAN:
Move me to the sun

MAN:
Stay here with me

WOMAN:
Just hold my hand whenever we arrive

MAN:
Stay here. I love you. But we’re happy here

WOMAN:
Let it be a world with you

MAN:
Stay with me

WOMAN:
Any other world with you
Take me to a world where I can be alive

MAN:
Do you want the world ?
Well then, you shall have the world
Ask me for the world again
You shall have the world

A world of skies
That’s bursting with surprise
To open up your eyes for joy

We shall see the world come true
We shall have the world
I won’t be afraid with you
We shall have the world
You’ll hold my hand and know you’re not alone

You shall have the world to keep
Such a lovely world you’ll weep
We shall have the world forever for our own.

OUR new world here will be the world of the new cartoon, coming very soon.

Gerald,

You ain’t just whistlin’ DIXIE. You mean a new cartoon is coming, OH NO! I am just getting used to this one. That reminds me of a Snowman in the Northwest that melted, so a new one could take its place. Well, that is just an ABOMINABLE one.

We have a code to recognize each other, and it is called “GANGnam STYLE.”