Prove Your Comedy Chops with Moment’s Cartoon Caption Contest
Welcome to the Moment Magazine Cartoon Caption Contest, founded with the help of New Yorker cartoon editor Bob Mankoff, and drawn by New Yorker cartoonist Ben Schwartz.
Do you have a way with words and humor? If so, look at the cartoon below and send us a caption—or two or three! Plus scroll down to vote for your favorite caption. It’s free and fun!
Winners may claim a free Moment subscription for a friend of family member. Contest open to U.S. residents 18 and above.
Plus: Read interviews with some of our most prolific caption contest contributors here.
Submit a caption for this cartoon by December 15 by writing it in as a comment at the bottom of this page!
Vote for your favorite caption by filling out the form immediately below!
“Maybe the drums would be okay after all.”
—Michael Lomazow, Riverside, CA
“If you don’t stop, I’ll give you a Tekiah Gedola you won’t forget!”
—Robert D. Diamant, Staten Island, NY
“Haven’t our people suffered enough?”
—Adrian Storisteanu, Toronto, ON, Canada
Vote for your favorite! The winner will receive a free subscription to Moment to give to a friend. Any U.S. resident age 18 or older can enter.
Chuckle at the Summer issue 2021 winning caption—and see who wrote it!
“Hey, the seventh day is over when I say it’s over.”
—Jim Gorman, Thousand Oaks, CA
How to Submit Your Caption(s)
Submit as a comment below by December 15, 2021 Finalists will appear in the upcoming issue. To vote for the winner of the November/December Issue 2021 contest (see finalists above), use the vote form.
A NEW CONTEST (I KNEW MY LAST MESSAGE WOULD BE NOTICED)!
“Marvin has been anxious for you to get back to your place in heaven!”
“Would you like a HEAVENLY COCKTAIL to help you relax?”
“The Ray-ban sunglasses make you almost unrecognizable.”
“You must be “very tired” reading the same book about the TEN COMMANDMENTS!”
Caption:
“Would it kill you to just once bring a few bagels and cream cheese?”
Caption:
“Add a few bagels and cream cheese and this might just be the best vacation ever.”
Caption:
Bagels and cream cheese would make this the best vacation ever.”
“Be an angel and get me some sun tan lotion.”
Congratulations to Gerald,Marvin and Stephen on their nominations for their captions which will have a winner in a couple of months.My vote can be bought rather cheaply!
“This is my day of rest.It can wait.”
It is hard to pick the one out of the three finalist.
They are all great and I can see any one of the three in the top spot.
Congratulations to all three. Great job.
“Can’t my son unclog the toilet by himself?”
“It’s fiction.Everyone needs a guilty pleasure.”
“You’re replacing me with a drone?”
“Your lecture was misinterpreted about GETTING LAID!”
“You are a firm believer that on the 7th. day GOD RESTED!”
(NEW SECURITY MEASURES ON BEACH)
++++All Visiting Angels Required To Be SUNSCREENED!++++
Moment, thanks for posting the results of the past contest. I think, though, rather than competing, Stephen’s and my suggestions might be combined in perhaps the following way:
God: “As my good friend Koheleth wisely used to say, history and nature move in unending cycles. While in the past people used to make fun of us, now, because of the success of the Internet, it is indeed a great compliment to say that our heads are in the clouds.”
Gerald,
Your 2 HEADS are better than 1. Needless to say, you are a “HEAD ABOVE ME IN THE CLOUDS!” Congratulations! 🙂
“Tell Mrs. Claus to call a plumber.”
” I may be the King of the Universe, but I love a good Stephen King novel. “
“So, you’re telling me 2020 is over? Time to get back to work.”
“Tell them that I’m not coming back until they consider making bagels and cream cheese the official meeting snack food.”
If you were an angel, what might you say to GOD on the beach?
(1) “When you’re HOT, you’re HOT!”
(2) “Time to call the HEAVEN FIRETRUCK to hose you down!”
(3) “Your missing sandals are now offered on HEAVEN E-BAY!”
“Thanks,but I don’t need a lifeguard.”
” I’m trusting you to keep this spot a secret. “
“You didn’t tell me it would be hot as, well, you know.”
“It’s my autobiography.”
“When did Speedos go out of style?”
Congrats to the three finalists!
“God no! The name’s Nicolas. Saint Nick to my friends, and please, I’m off the clock!.”
Congratulations to finalists Marvin, Gerald and Stephen, and to William for the previous contest win.
“I never leave any footprints.”
“Being your Guardian Angel on this hot beach just BURNS ME UP!”
“There are people on earth just DYING to be with you on this vacation!”
” Evidently I have been accumulating two sick/vacation days per month. So today I begin my first one hundred thousand year vacation.”
Funny!
” I’m reading “This Is My God ” by Herman Wouk.
It’s one of my favorite books. “
William, have you read the sequel, “This Is My Herman Wouk,” by God?
” Just tell me who called you Tinkerbell and I will curse them.”
+++++COMPARISONS++++
(1) Compared to Hell++++++++++”Today is only BLISTERING HOT!”
(2) Compared to Israel+++++++++”Like a vacation to the DEAD SEA!”
(3) Compared to a Cruise Ship++++”Like a cruise to NOWHERE!”
Marvin,
Where is the “hell” in “hello”?
And where is the “good” in “goodbye”?
(Of course, if one hates people and treasures being alone, it’s understandable.)
Gerald,
“The Answer My Friend Is Blowing In The Wind, The Answer Is Blowing In The Wind……!”
“I appreciate obsequiousness.”
Caption:
“Well Speedos were still in style the last time I took a vacation.”
(GOOD NEWS)
“Your place in the sun has been reassured!”
(BAD NEWS)
“Your place in the sun will only last less than 10 billion more years!”
“Announce softball practice tonight.Naturally,I’ll be the ump.”
“I think your clam sauce was inspirational.”
“Where did you get the idea that I wanted ‘sin screen’? I simply asked you to please bring me some sun screen.”
” Why do you always mark the prayers that come in during my vacation U R G E N T?”
“Why are all the prayers that come in during my vacation labeled URGENT?”
“Unlike most of my subjects, I’m not waiting to be saved. But the sun is so strong here, I wouldn’t mind being salved.”
” To keep a low profile I am wearing black
Speedos because they are less God-ie than my regular ones.
“No sand castles, no sand flies, and no SAND DOLLARS to spend back on earth!”
“Would you mind if I rested under your chair in the SHADE before I FADE!”
“If you flap your wings,I’ll get a cool breeze.”
That is a very good caption!
Thank you Lee
“The Demon from Hell said your HOT sexy speedos look better on him than you!”
“You were my inspiration for hummingbirds.”
“Sorry, but your beach chair rental time is now over!”
Caption:
“Will you please take a look to see if I remembered to put my Speedos on?”
“There’s a very big tropical storm due to make landfall here tonight. May I humbly suggest that you move to higher ground?”
(A message from the Devil)
“You can party like Hell with me, or just remain where you are and REST IN PEACE!”
“The only trouble with vacationing in this spot is that I can’t bring in any of my soap operas. I used to love to watch “As the World Turns.”
“A change of pace is in order.Forget Ben Hur.Let’s screen There’s Something About Mary.”
“You are much too old to be called a PLAYBOY! Maybe a GREAT GRANDDAD to the nth degree!”
Netanyahu is out but promises to be back.He awaits possible conviction for criminal behavior.He is critical of the new prime minister and guesses that Biden will force concessions in Israel policy toward Iran and the Palestinians.He is a copy of Trump.
Michael,
I was totally wrong, as usual. I was certain that Netanyahu would use the fighting in Israel to consolidate his power and beat the rap.
(I’m a great contrary indicator. If I’m sure of something, bet against me and you’re sure to make a fortune.)
I agreed with your assessment.I’m glad he’s out though.However,what the future holds is up in the air.The new guys are to the right of Netanyahu so further trouble very possible.I’m very frustrated with how Russia gets away with all their crap.We really can’t do anything to stop them.They are an outlaw country that doesn’t respond to sanctions or world opinion.Between them and China,we live in a very dangerous world.
The most dangerous countries–and dangerous people–are those enslaved to an ideology and have lost their sensitivity and humanity. Dealing with them is like dealing with a machine. Have you ever confronted a bureaucracy? Trying to get one’s point across is like trying to climb a glass structure. There is no foothold, no common feeling, yet you keep hearing those words endlessly repeated: “Please hold on. Your call is very important to us.”
Yeah, sure.
You wore the speedos again so God had to kill you.
“That book you are reading is full of RED HERRINGS! Can’t you smell them?”
Can’t you bring back the Red Sea?
“Could you just fly around me for a little while? I forgot to bring my fan.”
“With a Tie-Dye Shirt, you could be a BEACHED HIPPIE!”
“Yes, I’m wearing a speedo. I couldn’t find my fig leaf.”
“I thought I put incoming messages on hold.”
“Icarus is not coming. He tried to fly here but the sun stopped him – he was WAXED ON and WAXED OFF!”
Caption:
“The Heavenly Skeet Shooting Club down the beach is really starting to make some of us frequent flyers very nervous.”
“One mistake I made was the French language.It’s so irritating,N’est Ce-pas.”
Caption:
“When did telepathic messaging become obsolete?”
“You can see right through China from here with your X-RAY EYES!”
Caption:
“A messenger as a fan is more desirable than two in a burning bush.”
“Tonight is sexy night on the beach, and you will need to wear your RED HOT BIRTHDAY SUIT!”
For the caption contest with August 1st due date:
‘Nudnik, I know it’s not Shabbos, but Sunday is beginning to look good to me too.”
For cartoon contest:
I was supposed to deliver a message but I can’t tell if you are Santa Clause or the Rav.
“I said day of rest,not day of the pest.”
I’m sorry to bother you during your vacation, Sir, but the earth could really use your help right now.
“You were just dreaming that Donald Trump was still President, and subsequently had a RUDE AWAKENING!”
Santa’s hallucinations were becoming way too real on his vaccation.
“Cheeseburger,fries and diet coke.
“Cheeseburger,fries and diet coke.”
“If you know I’m everywhere, why do you come HERE?”
“I know it is not easy to be GOD, but there is no relief in sight!”
“Invite George Burns and have him bring two cigars.”
“Only one main reason visitors don’t come here, because they are GOD FEARING CREATURES!”
My father’s day was enhanced by a shipment of wine I received yesterday,sent by my son.A couple of reds,a couple of whites,it all depends upon your appetite.No Italian restaurant but delicious nevertheless.
Sent thumbs up and wine glass pics, didn’t realize that pics would not show up in reply. Congrats on a great Fathers Day.
Thanks Lee!
“If you register to stay another 50 million years on this resort beach, then you can keep this same spot!”
“Could you get my son into Harvard?”
CAPTION:
“Before you begin I would like to remind you of the fate that often befalls messengers bearing bad news.”
CAPTION:
“Shuttlecock, we need a third for badminton this afternoon. Don’t worry. We’ll show you how.”
Jim,
If G-d plays badminton, does it become goodminton?
GOOD one Gerald. We definitely want to stay on His GOOD side.
Maybe better as:
“Hey Shuttlecock, we need a third for badminton. We’ll show you how.”
“Do you believe in MIRACLES?” (Maybe on the beach it is called MIRAGES!)
CAPTION:
“I could tell you the unknown secrets of the universe but then I would have to, …….Well you know.”
Caption:
“Would you mind fluttering some place else until my vacation is over?”
“You can call it the beach or the shore.”
“WHEW! WHEW! My head hurts from too many party drinks, and it gave me this BUZZ!”
“How about refilling the Red Sea?”
“You got your wings in record time.Don’t make me regret it.”
CAPTION:
“I feel that I should tell you about previous messengers that interrupted my vacation and how they are now spending eternity in a burning bush.”
“Would you happen to have new wings for me? My extended warranty has expired!”
“You’re the third person today who’s thought I’m God. I’m only a poor plumber from New Jersey on vacation.”
“My name is Pixie, and coming here I flew into a dust storm. Therefore, you might say I am a carrier of PIXIE DUST!”
“So you are saying with an audio book, while I’m alone, someone will read to me any book I choose?” “Have you been fluttering around in the Bruichladdich Distillery again?”
“Sleep on your stomach.You’ll get use to it. “
“Your time in the sun makes for quite a VITAMIN D-DAY!”
Nobody asked me, Nadine. (“What is your favorite Jewish joke and why?”), but if they had, this what they would have gotten:
A husband was very sad watching his wife of almost fifty years sink into depression. Finally he asked his personal physician what to do. The doctor replied: “Cheer her up. Provide some relief for her. Bring sunshine into her life.”
The husband had an idea. There was a pet shop around the corner, so he went in and told the proprietor his problem. The owner of the pet shop escorted him inside toward the cage of a lovely singing bird. “Bring this into the apartment and your wife will cheer up, ” he said.
So the husband did as he was told. The bird brought happiness into his wife”s room, singing as if every lovely melody in the world were in its tiny throat. And slowly but surely the wife began to stir. One morning the husband even found her pulling up the shade and letting the sunlight in.
But just then he saw that the bird was hopping around the cage–on only one leg. Enraged, he ran back to the pet store.
“You cheated me!” he yelled. “In my grief I didn’t know what I was doing. I didn’t see that the bird you sold me was a cripple!”
The owner of the pet shop looked at him.
“Listen, mister,” he said, “what did you want? A singer or a dancer?”
I love this story because it shows that although everyone craves perfection, there’s always something missing, something we have to settle for. And if we can realize this, life becomes beautiful after all.
Like the singing bird story a lot!
CAPTION:
“When you flap your wings I smell a very pleasant sea breeze, are you HEAVEN SCENT?”
“The new intergalactic message: GOD BE WITH YOU (but wait until vacation ends)!”
” I’m going to the Canary Islands next year, the seagulls here are more hit than miss.”
CAPTION:
“I need you to fly around the immediate area and establish a no seagull fly zone.”
“I’m developing a very deep tan to show my complete sympathy with the Black Lives Matter movement.”
“Change that benefits all people regardless of color is what is needed.” As long as one group demands change for only themselves, right or wrong, their efforts will fall on many deaf ears.”
“By using excessive suntan oil to travel here, I feel like a Greasy ‘FLY’ VIRGIN AIRLINES Olive Oil product!”
“Of course I can recommend a good book.”
Recommend a good book
could be a winner.
Thank you, Lee.
Lee,
If you really want to be impressed by Stephen Nadler, go to his wonderful site, “Attempted Bloggery.” It’s one of the best on the Internet, all about everything humorous, creative and artistic, with an emphasis on cartoons and their creators, especially focusing on his own suggestions of captions for various competitions. Stephen is very low-key about his talents, but he is more thoughtful and skillful than most of us. If former President Teddy Roosevelt were alive today, he would praise Stephen for speaking softly but certainly carrying a big stick of creativity with him wherever he goes.
Thank you so much, Gerald. You leave me speechless.
Stephen,
You’re the last person in the world I’d ever want to leave speechless, for your words always inspire, planting ideas in all of us which bloom in all kinds of ways. Thanks for everything, including your marvelous site which entertains and leaves visitors with both wisdom and pure delight.
Thank you Gerald for directing me toward Steven Nadler’s site. I have started checking it out and you are correct it is very impressive, entertaining, and educational. I will be a regular visitor to AB site.
Lee, I’ll be sure to roll out the red carpet.
“Because you are having another lazy day on the beach, I ordered you a Sloe Gin Fizz Cocktail to keep up your SPIRITS!”
“What’s wrong with my reading ‘Mein Kampf’? I’ve always liked to get into people’s heads to see their points of view.”
“Flying at lightning speed to see you always makes me CHARGED UP with a SPARK in my heart!”
“I think I can guarantee you won’t get cramps if you go swimming.”
Caption: Don’t worry, I’ll be brief.
It’s great to be back. I think this might be comment #701. I have a lot of more detailed catching up to do. But I saw some great comments, captions and nice words-thank you. Congratulations to all the grrrreat finalists!
Dale,
It’s about time you came back! When the aliens abducted you, did you PUNish them until they let you go?
Everybody missed you, and where I live I am now “hot under the collar” because the ambient temperature has risen since you left (your fault).
“O GOD, Good News! Dale Stout is back at this Moment!”
Hi Marvin,
The aliens released me in Roswell as PUNishment – which was really out of this world. Congratulations on being a finalist! I will try to live in the Moment :^)
Dale,
Next time pay for your own vacations and don’t rely on aliens to give you a FREE RIDE!
I notified the authorities to search for you, but they disavowed any knowledge of you.
The investigators said you were considered an OUTLANDER and PUNctuated the fact that you were not of this earth.
WELCOME BACK DALE, now I need a vacation to recover from this ordeal!
Dale,
You can’t get away with just these few words. Surely you must have had many adventures to justify your lengthy absence here, like rescuing your family from criminals who were holding them for ransom or climbing Mount Everest and facing dangers like lack of oxygen and falling ice and fatigue above 26,000 feet. We missed you and are looking forward to hearing from you again.
P.S. And we’re glad that your family is safe once more, thanks to your bravery.
Hi Gerald,
There was no ransom ware, just underwear. And no Mount Everest, but we did go up Pikes Peak on the new cog railway. The conductor likes to say that if there is ever a runaway problem with the railway, there are two giant springs at the bottom to stop us: Manitou SPRINGS and Colorado SPRINGS. Congratulations on being a finalist!
Dale,
Sounds like a great trip, although no one could ever call you a piker. The summit, I seem to remember, is way more than 12,000 feet high, the highest paved road in the U.S.?
Well, now you’re back and, hopefully, again ready to transform cartoons into diamonds by using the power of your remarkable wit.
“This is why I created New Jersey.”
“Hey, the seventh day is over when I say it’s over.”
“I’m the new courier, Frank. And, frankly speaking, I have HOT FLASHES from standing on the sand.
So, I will just hover instead of being a FRANK-FOOTER on the ground!”
Caption: Leave me alone. It’s Shabbes!
“I was a GRATEFUL DEADhead on earth, and now I am a GRATEFUL DEADhead in heaven.”
“I don’t swim on Shabbos.”
Just another plug the the GREAT site attemptedbloggery.com by Steven Nadler-it’s been GREAT for years, please check it out. And GREAT job Stephen on being a runner up.
I have seen some people playing the caption contest at Cartoonstock.com which has GREAT commentary by the world’s GREATEST captioner, Lawrence Wood who has won the New Yorker seven times and runner up four times. There is voting this week on a cartoon/caption by the GREAT Bob Mankoff who has defined and refined cartoons and humor as we know it.
Listen notes.com has a GREAT podcast on cartoon commentary by the GREAT captioners: Vin Coca, Beth Lawler and Paul Nesja, who are all winning contests everywhere.
And another GREAT cartoon caption contest is at Biblical Archeology -check it out.
But when you have a MOMENT, please put in more GREAT captions :^)
Thank you, Dale.
Another GREAT caption contest is at Linns.com, if you’re into stamps-and want to stamp out puns.
Sometimes I feel like taking a few millennia off.
Have the Republicans and Democrats stopped arguing yet?
Did Victoria’s Secret really fire their angels? (I thought of this but see that I’m Johnny-come-lately by Jim, Michael and perhaps others. I need a wing and a prayer).
It’s the Dead Sea, act lively.
Worth waiting for, Dale. Thanks for a good one.
“To become a COOL GOD, perhaps you could create a WIND TUNNEL!”
“Everyone laughs at my taste in books. Is it so terrible that my favorite author is Dr. Seuss?”
Caption:
” I was on Wheel of Fortune and won by solving the JUST CALL ME ANGEL OF THE MORNING song title/trip puzzle.”
People say I’m either Santa Claus or Uncle Sam; tell them to pound sand.
“Where is that ROSE GARDEN that you didn’t promise me?”
“Go ahead, guess how many grains of sand.”
CAPTION:
“Is it the for or the ever in forever together that you do not comprehend?”
Caption:
“Maybe you would be considered less as a pest if you would occasionally bring a few bagels and cream cheese.”
“I will call you Angel of the Morning if you pick up a few bagels and cream cheese.”
“Today on the beach we could toast marshmellows, cook eggs, and/or make matzos!”
“You’re violating the no fly zone.”
Michael,
Your caption about the no fly zone made me think about the no pest strip which is along the same line as yours. Not likely that mine would be good enough to be picked but if it was picked I think credit should be shared with you having first acknowledgment.
Caption:
“This part of the shore should be declared a no pest strip.”
Caption:
“This stretch of shoreline is now a no pest strip.”
“I don’t want to STAND & TAN! But, I would just like to SIT & SCHVITZ!”
“Why am I always reading a book? Because I am G-d, and my worshipers have long been known as ‘The People of the Book.’ I have to set an example for them.”
Lee,
Thanks for the credit but it’s unnecessary.Your caption stands alone as a Lee original and if I sparked an idea,so be it because this interactive site is built to inspire that.While it’s nice to win,participating in the contest and meeting the other captioneers is what makes this site so enjoyable.I actually like the non-caption talk much more than the caption suggestions,although I know that some disagree with me and would like to limit the site to strictly captions.I disagree and hope that we continue to not only share captions,but ideas and stories as well.
I one hundred percent agree. It would be a mistake to reduce this unique site to captions only.
“You have been designated as the honorary beach LIFEGOD!”
Marvin,
LifeGod was an excellent idea.
Michael,
MANY THANKS for your uplifting comment!
You have many outstanding ideas also, and everyone on this blog appreciates your contributions!
Keep up your good work to better improve this blog.
I have a small confession to make. I’m not as interested in writing captions as I am in unearthing humor in the dramas of everyday life. And I find humor
everywhere. For example, I recently wrote a caption about Jews described as being the people of the book. Then the irony struck me. Sure, they’re the people of the book, and it naturally follows then that Israel has to be the nation of bureaucracy. Before one visits, one has to grit one’s teeth and dot every i and cross every t to make sure that all entrance requirements are met. Not G-d but paperwork is king. One has to apply for permission to enter and then get all the required documents approved by all the appropriate ministries, crossing off every item on one’s checklist, including submission of proof of vaccine and copies of a required special traveling medical history.
Moses once pleaded with G-d to let him enter the land but was denied. Now the rest of us who might like to enter have to follow his lead and hope for a better result.
Gerald,
I have never been to Israel but it’s on my bucket list.I guess I better start filling out the paperwork now if I want to go in the next couple of years!Next year Jerusalem!!
Michael,
A former KGB operative was visiting an elderly Jewish neighbor in St. Petersburg and was surprised to find him studying Hebrew.
“You know I’m looking forward to retiring to Israel,” the neighbor explained, “but unfortunately with all the red tape I won’t be able to get there for quite a while, so I’m taking advantage of the time I still have here.”
“But you’re over ninety,” the friend persisted. “What if you can’t make it to Israel and find yourself in Hell instead?”
“Oh, then I’ll be all right,” the old man answered.
“I already speak Russian.”
#####################
Whenever and wherever you and your wife go, I predict that you’ll both have a wonderful time
About 35 years ago,my wife and I went to London and Paris for two weeks.Intent on seeing as much as possible,we started at The Old Bailey,watching a criminal trial.We got so involved,we went every day.We missed a lot of sight seeing but did get invited to one of the barristers home and to his chambers.We still have contact with him and his family He stayed with us in California while touring the state about Five years ago.I returned the favor and took him to the courts here.With email available,we are able to keep in relatively close contact.
“As I am a petite sexy angel, I request SHORTER working hours because SIZE MATTERS!”
“Then you’ll just have to cancel that interview with Moment.”
Caption and comment: Happy Fourth! Now get me a Fifth…of Beethoven :^)
Dale,
Loved it, but you might have stopped at “Now get me a fifth …,” implying the alcoholic beverage desired to bring the person down from the excitement of the holiday?
Hi Gerald,
I think you’re right: I’m two six-packs short of a keg :^)
Thanks-Dale
Michael,
A wonderful story of a gift that has kept on giving you pleasure. Most vacations are one-shots, involving activities done quickly and meant to be gotten through, reminding me of the famous New Yorker cartoon picturing man and wife outside of a huge European cathedral, the man saying “You take the inside and I’ll take the outside. We haven’t got much more time.”
I think that instinctively you always go about things the right way. It’s a pleasure to read your posts.
Gerald,
About 15 years later we went back to London and saw what we missed the first time…Oxford,Cambridge,etc.We went to as many plays as we could fit in,Miss Saigon,Blood Brothers,etc.Even took the Jack the Ripper night tour!I took alot Of photos,some Of which I entered in national contests.Also been to Bruges several years ago,Dublin,etc.Visited a friend of my father in Brussels.I still think New York is the ultimate city.
Michael,
And you’re the ultimate writer. I’m waiting for your memoir to be published and then to climb the best-seller list.
Thanks for sharing.
“There has been a ransomware attack on angels with golden halos. Those RUSSIAN ALIENS are everywhere!”
“Sorry G-d but for obvious reasons,no one will book your bets…but I put a little down for myself.
“Tell the Popes it’s strictly catch and release.”
“Ah, you’re here to judge the swimsuit competition.”
“Good news, that depilatory cream works well on your chest!”
“You’ll need to punch up the jokes to perform at talent night.”
“I finally remembered to bring my favorite flip flops but lost my favorite flip, so if you, my fine fast flying friend can’t find my favorite flip I fear that I will be forced to faithfully flop hop across the flaming hot sand to get my famously fresh snack foods that I find myself to be forever lost without.”
“I SWAY in the air and my color palette is BLUE! Needless to say, I love RHYTHM & BLUES!”
Caption:
“My instructions are non-negotiable, my vacation is not to be interrupted unless there is a matter of life or death or a fresh batch of bagels with cream cheese.”
“We are supposed to love our neighbor as ourselves. But, our neighbor is the devil.
This neighbor is the exception to the rule, and TO HELL with him!”
CAPTION:
“On the 4th Day you created the sun, and then RayBans and Speedos. Now the Moment Magazine readership is spontaneously going blind. Can I get you your robe sir?”
“Then why am I paying for your harp lessons?”
Tell Gabriel to cover my calls.
I got tired of Sturgis.
“My faith in you is eternal, unless you change your online profile!”
“All right, so the big toe on my left foot is on the wrong side. Blame Dr. Schwartz for the drawing, not me.”
“Let’s practice MOCKING BIRD for the talent show.”
“Your BIG FEET have an imprint on the SANDS OF TIME!”
Caption:
“My car warranty did not expire, I have never filed income taxes and my social security account has not been frozen. Just stop answering my phone until after my vacation is over.”
” Of course I could read it in seconds,but Oprah says it should be savored. “
“I enjoy books on SOFT PORN, because I prefer LIGHT READING!”
“Are you following me?”
Eden, the Flood and the Exodus: this place has a great view.
I wore Ray-Bans before they were cool.
“The phrase ‘Between the Devil and the Deep Blue Sea’ keeps me close to you, GOD, and out of the water!”
“I don’t want to be rude but I don’t want to kibutz.”
Tell Jonah to pull up a chair. And get me a fishing pole.
I’m on the last chapter, then ‘It is finished’.
“I flew here in inclement weather. I am late because I traveled on a FLY BY NIGHT schedule without FLOODLIGHTS!”
Caption:
“I know you never plan to retire but I just don’t think a drone style package delivery service will fly here.”
“I don’t want to be rude but I didn’t come out here to kibitz.”
“I can’t look you straight in your face. Not because I am cross eyed, but I do suffer from POGONOPHOBIA!”
NOTE: POGONOPHOBIA is a fear of beards. (This probably ranks closely with fear of a BAD HAIRCUT DAY.)
“You’re blocking.”
“Which caption contest would you like to win posthumously?”
“On earth and in heaven, thinking about sex can be a HEADACHE IN PROCESS!” (Am I right ladies?)
Caption:
“We both have the same hair artist don’t we, so why is it that after buzzing around all day you never have a hair out of place?”
Caption:
“Maybe we can get the artist to add a Cloud for shade, a Tiki-Bar for drinks, and a Gazebo with a Massage Table for a perfect end to each day?”
“I specifically told Amazon Prime not to make any deliveries to me here.”
LECTURE: THE KINGDOM OF GOD
(Q) Explain Astrophysics & Unknown: Be precise.
(A) The Outer Limits & Beyond. (Too Complicated To Comprehend Completely!)
Conclusion & Solution: End Of “Google” Discussion / Take A Vacation. (“Forget About It!”)
Caption:
“Would it kill any one of you to just once bring a few bagels and cream cheese?”
Ah, the universal caption you first submitted back in May. It feels a little forced here, but not completely out of place. Hang on to it, and use it again for the next cartoon.
You are right, it is not really a great fit for this contest. But I may send a variation of it in each contest just for fun.
Wining would be ok but just having fun reading all the interesting comments and caption ideas everyone else here.
I’m comfortable. What’s the heat index in hell?
ATTENTION! THIS IS A MESSAGE FROM THE EMERGENCY BROADCAST SYSTEM. THIS IS ONLY A TEST. IF THIS HAD BEEN AN ACTUAL EMERGENCY, YOU TWO WOULD HAVE BEEN ARRESTED! YOU LEFT ME AT THE STORE LAST NIGHT!
I know it’s hot, but I want my bagel with cream cheese, not evaporated milk.
Caption:
“Next time try I just flew in from Vegas and boy are my wings tired instead of boy are my arms tired.”
I have been having fun making it a separate challenge to myself to see if I can work Bagels and Cream Cheese into every contest.
That lady on the nude beach is getting a little Charo broiled.
“You must SEIZE the day, not SNEEZE today! But in any case, GESUNDHEIT!”
Jim, if you can’t fight a movement, the best strategy is to join it. So here is my bagel entry:
“Imagine! A group of bagels petitioned me today to establish a hole foods market in Heaven!”
Or:
“The bagels want to be displayed alone. They don’t want cream cheese included. As a matter of fact, they’ve started a schmear campaign against it.”
Actually, a campaign against cream cheese would be an anti-schmear campaign.
And the campaigner would be an anti-schmearlier? It bagels the mind!
Possible Campaign Song:
“Bagels to the left of me
Schmear to the right and I don’t know what I’m gonna do, cause I’m stuck in the middle without a clue.”
I love it when someone can work a Bob Dylan reference in. I saw him in ’65 when I was working as a usher at the Hollywood Bowl.
“The wiser angels call it a chaise longue.”
“One small step for WARM FEET, one giant leap for HOT FEET!”
I’d like a bagel and Schmearnov.
Is there a cure for lox?
Dale,
Lox of LOVE helps! (I was waiting for others to answer your question, but I guess they have “too much on their plate!” 🙂
Tell Schwartz to put a towel on me.
“Why do you sing, ‘SHOE Fly, Don’t Bother Me?’ Neither one of us has shoes!”
“Size doesn’t matter.Why do you ask?”
Jim,
When I was younger I first thought of Bob Dylan as a singer song writer cashing in on the Anti-Vietnam war movement.
His artistry has proven him to be so much more. As one of the most professional enduring performers in the world he has aquired a Nobel Prize and $300 millon for his song rights; and at 80 he is not finished yet.
I would have loved to see one of his live concerts. I have heard that he still has a keen since of humor.
Think it is great that you were able to be at one of his live concerts.
Caption:
“So you really did fly over the Cuckoo’s Nest.”
Caption:
It’s clear to me now, you are the one that flew over the Cuckoo’s Nest.”
“In Hell, the Devil has a burning desire for DAMNATION instead of vacation!”
A news item:
“Oh, the agony, the blow to New York Jewish pride when our hometown newspaper proclaimed the superiority of the California bagel.
“How dare The New York Times! What could granola-crunching West Coast Jews know about bagels when New Yorkers have been baking them for more than a century — and they never invented anything more original than avocado toast?
“It’s time to find out.
“Join the Temple Emanu-El Streicker Center and The Forward for a chewy, carb-o-licious competition between the best bagels from New York and California. We’ll talk to the bakers defending their own dough and ovens. We’ll talk to food critics. We’ll even talk to the man at Zabar’s who knows shmears better than anyone in America. Then, the panelists will conduct a blind taste test of bagels from both coasts.
“Dense and chewy? Crusty? Hint of malt? A bit of sourdough? We’ll unpack all the secrets and weigh in on what makes a bagel more than a chewy donut without the sugar!”
Gerald,
The New York Times didn’t talk to me!Having lived in New York 24 years and California 50,I have had plenty of opportunities to experience bagels on both coasts.The New York bagel is king.It’s all in the water.I must say however,that California bagels have improved tremendously and I enjoy the hot bagel,with lox and cream cheese,no matter where it originated.A great salt bagel,toasted with lox and cream cheese is unbeatable.I enjoy a few capers with it as well.
By the way,we still make and enjoy the occasional egg cream in my house.
I think I may be gaining weight from reading the recent post here. I am having cravings for bagels and cream cheese more than ever before.
Actually bagels and ……..
………and……..and…….
and……..
Vegetable cream cheese or cream cheese with chives,hot and toasted is to die for.
“Are you big enough to fetch a nice cold Dr. Brown’s?”
Stephen,
Nothing like a Dr.Brown’s and a devil dog,neither of wh ich I can get in my city without ordering online.
We’re fresh out of manna, how about a nice bagel?
New York, New York, may be a hell of a town, but they’ve got great bagels.
Dale,
If you can’t make bagels there, you can’t make them anywhere!
:^)
Bagel thins are wrong, no matter how you slice it.
Bagels? I’ll take a bakers dozen. I like this new math.
I want to see the Einsteins that developed the bagel.
“I flew into a SHOOTING STAR in the cosmos, and it SHOT ME DOWN (figuratively speaking)!”
Why’s there a hole in the bagel? For more cream cheese, of course.
Dale,
That BAGELS MY MIND!
Like Willie Nelson says, “Mommas, don’t let your bagels grow up to be cowboys”.
“A bagel in the mouth is worth two in the hand!”
Nicely said!
Just keep the seagulls away.
Dale, if a seagull flies over the sea, what flies over the bay?
Bay-gulls? :^)
Oh wow! You guys really work well together.
aka flying bagels.
What did Itzhak Perlman say to the bagel? More schmaltz.
Bagels. Either you’ve got it, or you ain’t.
Life is like a bagel. Pick a flavor.
What did the alien say to the bagel? You’re out of this world.
Don’t ask what your bagel can do for you, ask what you can do for your bagel.
Good friends, good books and good bagels.
Also, good wine, good sex, and a good night for you!
Good bagels need a lot of yeast to give it a GOOD RISE in popularity!
Many grandpas eat bagels, especially those with POP-py seeds!
They don’t test for bagels in the Olympics.
Delicatessens for Halloween serve “SCREAM CHEESE” bagels!
Why is the word “bagel” so fun to say? You have to admit, saying bagel just makes you smile. In times that predated Madisen Avenue and market witticisms and positive phonemes were worked into every product name some genius blurted out “bagel”. Everybody smiled and said “Yes please.” “Muffin” and “Donut” are a close second, but bagel takes the blue ribbon for breakfast product naming.
Jim,
My favorite is “tapioca pudding.” Say it over and over again until it loses its meaning and you’re just left with the pure sound. I don’t particularly like to eat the product, but the sound always captures me.
A bagel a day keeps the doctor away.
Hole-istically speaking.
Caption:
“Before you make a pest of yourself remember I can un-ring a bell.”
“It’s lonely at the top. Let’s keep it that way.”
“If you wore a camouflage swimsuit, then nobody would recognize your CHERISHED POSSESSIONS!”
Michael, this one’s for you, from Brian Kearney, former criminal trial attorney:
As a criminal defense lawyer, what was the most embarrassing surprise evidence against your client at trial?
“Man oh man I made a blunder once. I learned from it and never let it happen again.
“The most embarrassing surprise evidence against my client at trial was: MY CLIENT!
“I had a drunk driving case. The evidence against my client was tough but not insurmountable. I got to know my client pretty well prior to trial. He was seemingly outstanding. A well-spoken intelligent gentleman, a war hero. He even worked at the time of the incident taking care of the elderly. He hobbied in photography and had rushed to ground zero on 911 shortly after the towers had fallen. The pictures he took ended up on the front page of newspapers around the world.
“He had left a bar in New Bedford driving his brand new four-wheel drive SUV. On the way home, he wanted to show off to his buddy/passenger the vehicle’s capabilities and turned and drove over the grass and dirt median and onto his driveway. The blue lights went on. Field sobriety tests conducted. Not bad not good. He admitted he had the proverbial ‘2 beers’ etc. bloodshot eyes, odor of alcohol, etc., etc. No Breathalyzer Test. Two police officers on the witness list to testify against him etc.
“I felt the trial would most likely go in our favor. But I had such confidence in my client being the Ace in the hole that I made the BIG mistake of promising the jury in my opening he would testify. The officers surprisingly maybe even intentionally did AWFUL on the stand. It was a seeming slam dunk Not Guilty for us.
“We broke for lunch after the prosecution rested. My client was dying to testify. I was apprehensive from the get-go during lunch. Why let him testify when we seemingly had it in the bag? But I had enthusiastically promised the jury he’d tell his side of the story, and he was persistent about having his say in court.
“He took the stand and immediately turned from Dr Jekyll into Mr Hyde and then some. And THIS WAS DURING DIRECT EXAMINATION with me tossing softball questions to him. During cross-examination he became downright damn belligerent:
“‘Sir you said you only had 2 beers, is that correct?’
“’Yeah, that’s what I said. But you know. Maybe it was 3. Maybe it was one. But you know what? What the F business is it of yours how many damn beers I had?’
“Yikes. It got worse from there if you can believe it. He, (we) snatched defeat from the jaws of victory. The jury came back guilty in 45 minutes.
“I never ever again promised a jury they’d hear from my client. And I never ever put a client on the stand until I actually took the client to an empty courtroom before the trial date and put the client on the stand and practiced both direct and cross on them myself.
“Lesson learned the hard way. Call it a trial by error.”
Gerald,
Every trial lawyer has the unexpected happen,sometimes bad and sometimes good.I kept my clients off the stand with rare exception.One client I had,at a pretrial conference was in custody for drug offenses and sitting in the jury box with several other in custody defendants.As I was addressing the court on his behalf,there was a commotion in the jury box with everyone apparently scrambling for cover.My client had picked an abscess on his leg,which resulted in a virtual geyser of blood shooting into the air.The whole courtroom had to be emptied and a professional cleaning crew called in. I remember a rape preliminary hearing I did as as a prosecutor where the alleged rape victim was on the stand when the defense attorney was trying b to get her to admit that she had been dancing with the defendant prior to the rape.He asked,”Isn’t it true you were slow dancing with my client in the bar and to my surprise the victim sang,”I don’t dance,don’t ask me.”The courtroom,including the judge,cracked up.I split my pants while delivering a closing argument which I acknowledged and continued.Because I still possess a new York accent which stood out in a California court,I often amused the jury asking a question with my Brooklyn accent.It actually worked in my favor with the jury being amused.I have hundreds of stories however because each b trial is rife with intrigue.
*******SIGNAGE: THE GATES OF HELL*******
(1) These Are The Times That FRY Men’s Souls!
(2) All Criminally Insane & Sadistic People Welcome!
(3) If You Can STAND THE HEAT, Then Come On In!
Even bagels need a day of rest.
People that can’t eat bagels with gluten must have sillyass disease.
When in flight, a PLANE BAGEL is preferred!
“If you are flying over the Great Plains a Plain Bagel might be ok too.”
EAST VS. WEST
“If you are changing flights and you leave your California bagels on the previous flight then it may be appropriate to say your West Coast bagels are on another plane.”
WEST VS. EAST
OPPOSITE
California becomes New York and West becomes East.
Revised Addition To “GONE WITH THE WIND” (The Jewish Version).
Scarlett O’Hara speaking, “As GOD is my witness, I’ll never be hungry again. So, PASS THE BAGELS!”
Like your Gone with the Wind reference, I can picture Scarlett delivering that line eating a bagel while wearing her full length curtain rod dress.
Lee,
Thanks for liking my comment, and I added another comment just for you.
Revised Addition To “GONE WITH THE WIND” (The Jewish Version).
Rhett Butler speaking, “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn, as long as I have MY BAGELS!”
Good one too!
Marvin and Lee, I rebaked some of the top 100 movie titles with bagels:
Gone with the Bagel, Bagel Side Story, Bagel Wars, 2001 Bagel Odyssey, The Silence of the Bagels, The Bridge Over the Bagel Kwai, It’s a Wonderful Bagel, Dr. StrangeBagel, Bagel-Hur, Apocalypse Bagel, Lord of the Bagels, Saving Ryan”s Bagels, Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Bagel, My Fair Bagel, A Clockwork Bagel, Doctor ZhiBagel, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Bagel, The Good, the Bad and the Bagels, Dances with Bagels, Jurassic Bagel, All Quiet on the Western Bagel, Bagel and Clyde, Close Encounters of the Bagel Kind, Mutiny on the Bagel, The Maltese Bagel, Rebel Without a Bagel, and Yankee Doodle Bagel. Yum.
Dale,
You will be nominated (by Lee & myself) at the next Academy Awards for an Oscar.
It will be presented by the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts & Sciences for BEST BAGEL RECREATIONS!
Enjoy “chewing on” this well deserved BAGEL SPECIALTY! (Big Yum To You!)
Carrol Burnett did a great GW the W skit on her show where she fashioned a dress from window curtains including the curtain rod across the shoulders. Pass the bagels would have been funny in her skit too.
“Famous bagel line in movie:
“I didn’t spend all summer long toasting bagels to bail out some little chick that probably (blanked) every guy in this place.”
Okay I didn’t recognize it. I’m pretty good with web searches but couldn’t find it there either. Care to share?
Jim,
Let me help you. Google “Robbie” from Dirty Dancing.
Thank you. I should have known that. One of my fav flicks.
“Lots of folks down here are reading Lucifer.”
“I need better orthopedic support for my sandals, least I become a FALLEN ANGEL!”
CAPTION:
“Your mission was to go to earth and smooth the sharp edges off of ten deserving politician’s lives. Now that I think about it I see why you are still here.”
“I enjoy visiting the planets in the universe. But, when I get there I always GO AROUND IN CIRCLES!”
“Caption:
“As soon as I got here all the people ran away, do you think that is why they call them Speedos?”
Dale,
Your Bagel Movie list made me think of a few of the possible movie sound tracks that might feature songs like:
Eight Bagels a Week
I Want to hold you Bagel.
Sittin on the Dock of the Bagel.
Ain’t no Bagels When She’s Gone.
House of the Rising Bagel.
Stairway to (Bagel) Heaven.
When a Man Loves a Bagel.
Amazing Bagel.
(Oh) Pretty Bagel.
Bagel Flying to Close to the Ground.
I Did (My Bagel) My Way.
Sweet Bagel Alabama.
Bagel with No Name.
Bagel of Love.
Hi Lee,
I like your bagel tune titles, especially House of the Rising Bagels. What’s next, book titles? For Whom the Bagel Tolls? Nice work, Lee.
Dale,
Thank you. I was just following your lead.
Your movie titles were great inspiration, and I hadn’t even thought of book titles that could be interesting to explore too.
“We just got a call from a group of weathermen telling us that a huge tropical storm is due to make landfall here tomorrow. They certainly don’t mean you any disrespect, but they all think you should move to higher ground.”
“No question! SPF 613 for You!”
I think all these wonderful words about bagels have gotten a little out of hand. Not all bagels were great. A case in point was a movie producer named David Begelman, who took his own life in the 1970’s after being exposed for stealing from clients. He was a talent agent among other things, a real hustler who hit it big for a while and then sank. Look up the name if you want more information, but you’ll come away a little disillusioned about putting all bagels into the praise box.
Gerald,
He must of have been a real David “SINnamon” Begelman! 🙂
That reminds me of the great Professor Harold Hill, who once said “Where is the SIN in SINcere?”
I did research Mr. Begelman, it is a very sad time when anyone commits suicide. Especially when it is a creative person with abilities that might be able through their work to touch millions of lives.
I contracted to design some specialty merchadisng equipment for a Ice Cream Company in 1994. The CEO was basically my main contact
at the company. He seemed to be on top of the world, outgoing
and up beat. One Monday morning I phoned him. His secretary informed me that he had taken his own life over the weekend. We never know for sure what
causes someone that seems to have everything to live for to choose death over life.
Lee,
We very much admire the actors and actresses who entertain us, not realizing that almost everyone is a performer, pretending to be someone other than who he or she really is, and underneath the personas they create, most people feel alone, and the more alone they feel, the more the need they have to divert others–like s performing magician–so that others won’t see what’s really going on. In the world of comedy, every stand-up has a shtick, something expected of him, and he is always afraid of acting out of character. Everyone is busy polishing his or her image. Perhaps the man who took his own life couldn’t sustain the image that he was forced to project any longer. Who knows?
At any rate, you always bring life to this site, and for that I, for one, thank you heartily.
Gerald,
It is I that should be thanking you and all the other talented individuals here. You are truly a wordsmith and the tie that binds this group together. For that I do whole heartily thank you and everyone here for allowing me to be part of it.
I could have printed some tee shirts that said “I got burned by Bagelman” but that’s not Kosher.
Unfortunately, there are some Begelman-isms in all of us humans…myself included.
Caption:
“I like the new Speedos you got me so much that I can barely contain myself.”
“You can’t just come here every time you forget the wi-fi password.”
Funny
Thank you, Michael.
“When I said you need to follow me,I had something else in mind.”
“If bagels were produced here (next to you), then the BAGELS would be the 2nd most important item NEXT TO GODLINESS!”
“When I said you should follow me,I think you misunderstood.”
Michael,
Like the follow me caption. It really works with the drawing well.
Lee
Just noticed your comment.Thanks
“The Devil told me if I wore a leather jacket and sat on his motorcycle throne, then I could be a HELL’S ANGEL!”
G-d: Don’t worry, I’ve got this.
“Yes, but you haven’t been vaccinated!”
“You must be very smart, since you still have your WISDOM TEETH!”
Michael,
Let me update a previous post about red tape in Israel today.
A friend recently landed in Tel Aviv from New York but did not have all his paperwork in order. It was Sunday evening in Israel, and he explained to the authorities at the airport that he had left the document in question on his desk. He said that it they waited a few hours, someone would go to his office, retrieve the document, and send it so that he could enter. The people in charge adamantly refused and put him on the next flight back to New York at his own expense.
“I prefer my vacations to be without Angels in my midst.”
Caption:
“You can stop schmoozing now, you are here already.”
Caption:
“Stop already, this is a no schmoozing zone.”
“Shouldn’t you be somewhere dancing on the head of a pin?”
“Yeah, you and all your friends.”
How can you possibly forget, it’s your first name + A N G E L?
CAPTION:
“How can you possibly forget it? It’s your first name + A N G E L.”
“Can you really change water into wine? If so, let’s drink!”
“Why do you want to know who Jack The Ripper was?”
“I’m sending you down.Dr.Fauci needs our support.”
Caption:
“On earth were you that one that always just dropped in without calling first?”
“I’d like a bagel of biblical proportions.”
GOD: “You must have an ancient digestive system!”
“I think I saw a bagel with cream cheese about two miles down the beach with your name on it.”
“Your vacation puts me in the mood for a RETIREMENT PLAN!”
Caption:
“Don Knotts I appreciate your being my vacation bodyguard and all but I need you for a way more important job on earth. I need you to make sure that all the North American Hummingbirds get safely back to Central America for winter.”
“Tell everyone to switch to green.No white after labor day.
Thought it might be fun to try and work in a some 1960’s tv references.
On second thought, cancel the Ben & Jerry’s.
“I try to fly the straight & narrow to avoid UPS & DOWNS in my life!”
Who’s got the Coppertone?
For older clientele, try using SILVERTONE with LIDOCAINE! :^)
“My notes here say you were a hypochondriac.” “Now I will add; that finally worried himself to death.”
THAT WAS A CAPTION.
“It says here that you were his best ‘ole’ ex-friend Ray that lived in L.A. and the operator couldn’t help make the call because the number on the match book was old and faded.” “I guess that’s just the way the story goes.”
Ode to Jim Croce
He was another very talented writer, musician and singer that lost his life in a plane crash. He was only 30 years young
I was a big fan…bought his album,etc.
“Your agent is mistaken. I’m not looking for new Psalms.”
“Enough with your union activities.There are no unions in heaven,got it?”
“Great question!If I had to live a normal life I would have liked to be a bartender.I think I could have given pretty good advice.”
“I’m going on vacation for a few weeks and need a substitute.Didn’t you run the HR department at your company?”
“I’m not the Sandman, but there is plenty of sand here to make you have SLEEPY EYES!”
I can see clearly now the rain has gone away.
Now you are the only obstacle in my way.
If you would stop blocking my sun,
I could have a bright, bright, bright, sun shiny day.”
Caption:
“You must have donated your brain to science? I am omnipresent!”
Caption:
“I am just saying since you were an Avian Veterinarian maybe you can start checking your own wings.”
“Keep flapping your wings. I forgot to bring a fan.”
“You know perfectly well what I do on the seventh day.”
“Fly to the moon, play among the stars, see what life is like on Jupiter and Mars; PLEASE!!!”
Sorry that was a caption also.
“The Wayward Wind is a restless wind, but thinking about it makes me slow down & CHILL on a hot day!”
I don’t sign autographs.
I’m reading Torah, Torah, Torah.
What time is it? It seems like I’ve been here an eternity.
Oh well, back to the office.
“As GOD’S angel, I shall never lose my way. My implanted chip will help others identify me and lead me home!”
“I always say hello with the only exception being vacation; then I just say GOODBYE!”
“You say hello and I say goodbye.”
“A drachma for your thoughts?”
“Love means never having to say you ate my bagel!”
Like that one!
Lee,
THANK YOU!
I like it too!
Dale,
THANK YOU!
Sometimes life’s a beach.
“The shuttle to Earth leaves tonight.See the cashier for petty cash.”
“The shuttle to earth leaves tonight.See the cashier for some petty cash.”
Just came up with 12 new flavors for Ben and Jerry’s.
Afraid that if I write them, I could be banned.
So just use your own alliterative imagination.
“In heaven, there is the (1) Right Way, (2) Wrong Way, (3) GOD’S Way, and the (4) SPACED-OUT Way which causes DIZZINESS!”
(NOTE: In Yiddish the latter (4) is called the Vermished Way!)
“The therapy is working,Dr.Solomon.I no longer feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders.”
“And I’m also thinking of suing Ayn Rand for trying to ruin my reputation by titling her novel “Atlas Shrugged.”
“I’m glad you came early. The first order of business for you today is to contact the best lawyer around–I’d certainly recommend Michael Lomazow–and have him get an immediate injunction to stop Chock Full o’ Nuts from advertising itself as the heavenly coffee. They know that’s not true, and they must be made to cease and desist,”
Gerald,
Thanks for the shout out but the best lawyer around is probably my wife,who although she has no law license,feels competent to dispense advice on everything legal.
“You misunderstood. I never said bialys were unholy.”
Caption:
“It’s a good thing that this is a single frame cartoon because I would not want the readers to witness what I might do if you continue the endlessly fluttering in additional frames.”
“Until I started flying through the cosmos, I thought SPACE JUNK just meant eating too much!”
“War,climate change,pandemics…I fear they will never learn.”
“It’s easy for you to say this heat is not so bad, you have a built-in fan on your back.”
That fan on back was for caption contest.
CAPTION:
“Thought I’d just turn things over to Darwin for the next millennia or so.”
CAPTION:
“You may not be my biggest fan but in this heat you are a most welcome fan.”
“I tried to make sense of what is happening on the earth, and I received a one word message, COVFEFE!”
“If there were a multiverse, I’d know a lot more about it than Marvel.”
Caption for summer cartoon
“Wait I was taught that God created MAN not TAN”
Joel,
With all that God has to do, is it surprising that he burns out every once in a while?
Don’t worry, it’s a praycation. I’m still on the clock.
“As I slept last night, I thought about playing baseball. I was a DREAM CATCHER!”
“Clowns to the left of me,
Jokers to the right, I am happy to be stuck in the middle with you.”
“You can travel back in time, just fly backwards like me!”
This is from the new book “Bugsy Siegel: The Dark Side of the American Dream” by Michael Shnayerson:
“Even the most violent of gangsters saw themselves as good Jews, people of the book. They went to temple on High Holy Days, thought of God when things went bad, had their sons circumsized and bar mitzvahed. Being a Jew was not somcthing they were thinking of all the time, but they were aware of themselves as Jews, as players in a larger story. How did they square their criminal life with the life of the Bible? Well, like most people, they made a distinction: This is the life of the soul, this is the life of the body. Next year in Jerusalem. But this is how I live in the Diaspora. Red Levine, an Orthodox Jewish contract killer, tried not to kill on the Sabbath–but if the job had to be done, kissed his mezuzah, said his prayers wrapped in a tallit, and wore a skullcap under his hat as he headed out.
“You know I’m omnipresent, yet you always seek Me here.”
“Just some light reading until the new Moment comes out.”
“And don’t come back without Dylan tickets.”
“What have they done to themselves this time?”
Lee
Just noticed your comment.Thanks
You are very welcome!
“Why does everybody keep confusing me with God? I was only a poor Uber taxi driver for many years; when I finally left the job, my boss, Mr. Kalanick, bought me this property to retire on.”
“How can they call this a heavenly five star resort, they don’t even offer raisin bagels with cream cheese?”
“Maybe I should invest in a TIMESHARE on this beach, then my accommodations would be better!”
“The raisin bagels with cream cheese that you brought yesterday made me feel heavenly all day, but the pop-tarts today…… you may want to keep a little distance.”
So that’s the reason they are called “pop-tarts”? Let’s go back to calling the old guy on the beach Saint Nick. I am straying too far into the childish here imply otherwise.
If there’s no raisin bagels, raise Cain.
The Sound of Bagels (Sung to The Sound Of Silence)
Hello August my old friend,
I’ve come to talk with you again,
A vision of bagels is softly cream cheese,
Left sesame seeds while I was sleeping,
The lox and capers that were planted in my brain,
Still remain,
Within the sound of bagels
Oops, ‘August’ should be ‘bagel’
Like the sounds of bagels.
I always eat Einstein Bagels, because it contains RELATIVELY delicious ingredients. I’m NO DUMMY!
Had a dinner party last night…..8 people including my wife and I.My wife cooked a delicious meal.Because of the pandemic,we were as careful as possible and the two doctors who attended jokingly checked out everyone for signs of covid,but I think they actually took it seriously but kept it light.Anyway,we all passed and had a great time.The way the variance is going,this might be the last dinner for quite some time.Florida is a disaster and could be a precursor for the rest of us.
Michael,
Florida is a disaster. But why should Ron DeSantis be so popular and get cheered wherever he speaks?
I do not understand the disconnect at all. Could you or your wife clarify the situation for me?
Thanks.
Gerald,
Don’t know much about him.He is a Trump mini me,but smarter.Could easily be TrumpVP choice if Trump holds on.I can’t stand him but he wants to be president so much its palpable.
“Think of your vacation as a golf game. If you remain here too long, then you will be considered stuck in a SAND TRAP!”
“My hair turned white after the garden of eden fiasco.”
A Schmelier recommends at least 2 big bites of the cream cheese bagel.
The first bite is for hunger, and the second bite is for schmear pleasure!
“Bagels in the morning, bagels in the evening,
bagels at supper time, be my full time schmelier and just about any schmear will be fine.”
“As I am a FLYING ACROBAT, I have a tendency to suffer from the Twisties.
This means that when I land sometimes, I will do a BELLY FLOP on you!”
I’d like a peanut butter and jelly bagel, in a Jif.
Add a kosher pickle & canned chips for a PRINGLES SHABBOS SNACK!
Michael,
Here’s another disconnect. Read the following and then tell me why someone as supposedly shrewd as Giuliani could have expected any other type of response from Trump, let alone any show of gratitude for all “America’s mayor” tried to do for him. It’s so obvious that Trump is the only thing Trump cares about (outside perhaps of having inappropriate sexual feelings toward his daughter Ivanka):
“Donald Trump’s former personal attorney Michael Cohen predicted that his ex-boss won’t give Rudy Giuliani ‘two cents’ for legal fees to defend himself against any charges that might arise from a current federal investigation.
“‘Let me be very clear: [Giuliani’s] going to get stiffed,’ Cohen told Joy Reid in an MSNBC interview Friday. ‘Donald Trump does not pay legal bills. He doesn’t care about anyone or anything other than himself.’
“Giuliani’s advisers earlier this week reached out to Trump’s team to shake loose some of the former president’s $250 million in campaign cash to reimburse Giuliani for his work attempting to overturn the 2020 election on Trump’s behalf.
“But Cohen said there’s no way that will happen.
“’Donald in his crazy mind actually believes’ that money is his to do with as he wishes, Cohen told Reid. Giuliani now has a ‘better chance of sling-shooting himself to the moon’ than getting a big pay day from the former president, Cohen added.
”’Donald Trump wouldn’t pay him two cents because his feeling is it’s an honor and a privilege to go to prison for him, to do his dirty work,’ he said.
“Cohen should know. He was sentenced to three years in prison for a variety of crimes committed while he was Trump’s lawyer, including lying to Congress during its probe into Russian interference in the 2016 election, campaign finance violations, and tax fraud.
“Now Giuliani’s in the hot seat for work he did in Ukraine to dig up unflattering information about now-President Joe Biden and his son Hunter ahead of the 2020 election. In their effort to find communication between Ukrainian officials and the Trump administration, federal investigators last week seized more than 10 computers and phones from Giuliani’s Manhattan home and office.
“The Justice Department is reportedly focusing in part on Giuliani’s efforts to oust Marie Yovanovitch from her job as U.S. ambassador to Ukraine. She was reportedly unpopular with some Ukrainian officials because of her strong stance against corruption. Trump booted Yovanovitch from her post in 2019.
“It’s possible Yovanovtich may have been forced out as part of a deal to get dirt on Biden.
“Cohen believes Giuliani will eventually act out of self interest, though. Late last month on CNN, he said: ‘Do I think Rudy will give up Donald in a heartbeat? Absolutely. He certainly doesn’t want to follow my path down into a 36-month sentence.’
Gerald,
My wife believes that Giuliani is not shrewd at all but driven by ego.As such,he is easily manipulated by Trump,who has spent a lifetime working on manipulation.Because he over-estimates his own importance,coupled with Trumps desire to pay nothing for his so-called legal services,you have a perfect storm of ego meeting greed.
Trump sucks you dry and then discards you when you can no longer be of service to him.Trump also has put himself into a position where he could attack Rudy as a liar if Rudy turns on him by pointing out that Rudy only told this fabricated story because Trump refused to pay his legal bills.Two despicable forces colliding would be very interesting to witness.
Michael,
But what leaves so many intelligent and shrewd people so open to manipulation? Wouldn’t their instinct for self preservation stop them from so foolishly defending a man who obviously doesn’t care about them and would abandon them in a heartbeat? What power does Donald Trump actually have? I just don’t see why so many accomplished people bend to him without actually receiving anything of note. Does Trump put them under a spell? Seventy-five million people did vote for him in 2020.
Michael,
One last article to scan. After this,I’ll give you some peace. Thanks:
‘Broke’ and abandoned: Rudy Giuliani is reportedly now getting the cold shoulder from Trump
Jon Skolnik, Salon
August 03, 2021
‘Broke’ and abandoned: Rudy Giuliani is reportedly now getting the cold shoulder from Trump
Rudy Giuliani and Donald Trump (Photo via Don Emmert/AFP)
Donald Trump is continuing to rake in the cash from supporters while shrugging his shoulders at the people who failed to secure him a second term.
Despite boasting a war chest of more than $100 million, Trump is reportedly refusing to extend any help to his former personal attorney Rudy Giuliani, who is now struggling under a mountain of legal fees that could leave the former New York mayor entirely broke. According to The New York Times, Trump raised a whopping $102 million in the first half of 2021. Salon reported last month that he has been relatively frugal in his spending habits, opting to not direct any of the money toward his election conspiracy efforts, including the GOP-backed recounts in Georgia, Pennsylvania, or Arizona.
On Sunday, Maggie Haberman reported that Trump’s fiscal conservatism appears to apply even to his closest allies – and namely, one of his most loyal election objectors: Rudy Giuliani.
“Giuliani allies are looking at the Trump $ – even if it isn’t $82 million,” Haberman tweeted, adding that the ex-lawyer’s friends say “he is close to broke.”
“Trump aides have been clear they see no mechanism for paying Giuliani’s legal bills that isn’t problematic for Trump, and they think Giuliani took actions a lawyer should have known were problematic, even if the client wanted it,” Haberman continued. “But this is of note in the context of Trump having had a previous lawyer who pleaded guilty and then cooperated with an investigation into Trump.”
The report comes amid two major legal setbacks for the former mayor.
Currently, Giuliani is steeped in a federal investigation alleging that he worked as an unregistered lobbyist for Ukraine, pressuring Ukrainian officials to launch a probe in President Biden and his son Hunter by threatening to withhold U.S. military aid. The ex-attorney is also the subject of a $1.3 billion defamation lawsuit from Dominion Voting Systems over his baseless claims that the company’s equipment was compromised in President Biden’s favor.
Earlier this month, the Daily Beast found that Giuliani had managed to raise a “paltry” $9,798 for his legal defense fund – about $4,990,202 short of his goal. To boot, the Trump loyalist was also recently suspended from practicing law in the state of New York, significantly crippling his ability to make any personal income.
But even on the brink of apparent bankruptcy, Giuliani doesn’t appear to be particularly fazed.
Last week, the ex-attorney told NBC New York that everything he’s done over the past several years came as part of an effort to defend his client, Donald Trump. “I’m more than willing to go to jail if they want to put me in jail,” Giuliani said in a Friday interview. “And if they do, they’re going to suffer the consequences in heaven, I’m not. Because I didn’t do anything wrong.”
Trump’s refusal to extend Giuliani aid appears to be part of a broader effort by the former president to distance himself from the ex-attorney.
Back in January, The Washington Post reported that Trump “instructed aides not to pay Giuliani’s legal fees and “has demanded that he personally approve any reimbursements for the expenses Giuliani incurred while traveling on the president’s behalf to challenge election results in key states.” Trump also privately “expressed concern” about some of Giuliani’s moves in attempting to overturn the election and was put off by the ex-attorney’s $20,000 daily fees.
“If you have a WILL (for bagels), then I will try to find a WAY (to devour them)!”
Gerald,
Ego run wild!Rudy liked to sit in the cigar bar and soak in the adulation of those around him,anxious to rub shoulders with an inner circle member.All of those accomplished people who kiss Trumps ass are also looking for their ego boost by being in Trumps world.Some see him as a means to their political ambitions,while all share the almost Stockholm Syndrome hysteria which envelopes them when they get a taste of the inner circle.Its one thing to be accomplished,but for those who sacrifice principles to ‘get to the top of the heap’ of power,they are following their inner drive to be one of the chosen people.We have a sad collection of souls who have lost their moral compass to whore themselves out to the king pimp,who sends them out to do their duty to him and are rewarded with disdain and abandonment when they are no longer useful.Too many men,with seemingly high morals,are shown to be much less than perfect when exposed to the opportunity to show their hidden selves.
Thanks for the explanation. No one could have offered a better one. There are a lot of holes in people which they disguise in various ways. Remember those lines from Gilbert and Sullivan: “Things are seldom what they seem, Skim milk masquerades as cream.” And Trump, like the coronavirus, has stripped a lot of people down to their essentials to show they’re really hollow masks without any inner core.
I wish you’d write a newspaper column. You deserve a much wider audience.
It’s the people who long for a larger audience and think they deserve it that causes many of the problems.
” Not choosing the best bagel is like flying into a cloud. You develop WEEPY EYES & BRAIN FOG!”
Many people find it easier to hide when addressing large groups because there’s much less intimacy. In a small crowd you can link up to certain individuals and in a sense talk to them. But we all really want to be discovered for who we are. Here are some words by Robert Frost:
“We make ourselves a place apart
Behind light words that tease and flout,
But oh, the agitated heart
Till someone find us really out.
“’Tis pity if the case require
(Or so we say) that in the end
We speak the literal to inspire
The understanding of a friend.
“But so with all, from babes that play
At hide-and-seek to God afar,
So all who hide too well away
Must speak and tell us where they are.”
In 1959 during his farewell speech, out going President Eisenhower warned that war goods manufacturers would likely try to influence our politicians to perpetuate the on going need for their goods. These manufacturers he named the Military industrial Complex.
In early 1963 Jfk announced that the U.S. would act only as an adviser to South Vietnam and would not put U.S. Troops on the ground in Vietnam. He also stated that LbJ would not be his running mate in his bid for re-election.
We all know what followed in Nov 1963.
LbJ, referred to by many as a true master of deceit, became president and Vietnam was fully invaded by the U.S.
(Continued)
Each year the War Machine companies that make up the Military Industrial Complex pay lobbyists and provide millions of dollars in donations to legislators
on both sides of the aisle.
It would be a fair assessment to assume that these millions of dollars in donations would not continue if these compaines were not getting anything in return.
(Continued)
Many of the conflicts that the U.S. has entered have been represented to the U.S. Citizens as humanitarian efforts to benefit oppressed people in very distant locations.
Is it strictly a coincide that huge profits for the Military Industrial Complex follow?
(Continued)
Some might say Trump did not start a war during his 4 years in office. He handed the Military Industrial Complex billions in contracts by selling fighter jets to Saudi Arabia and who knows what other windfalls he passed on to them.
It seems that the Military Industrial Complex continues to maintain a great deal of influence over our elected officials and perhaps even who becomes our president.
(Continued)
LBJ was content with four years of evil and he had the support of millions of supporters.
DT is not content with his four years of evil, if he gets the opportunity he will continue his attempts to become the first true U.S Dictator in history and he will have the support of millions of U.S. Citizens and Politicians while pursing it.
Sorry if I have said too much. I just feel that too many people in our country fall in line, look away from what they see happening and give support to truly evil leaders.
Eisenhower actually named the Military Industrial Complex,
The Congressional Military Industrial Complex. His staff feared that there would be reprisals from members of Congress, so Congressional was omitted from the title.
Can’t we all just get a bagel?
Happiness is a warm bagel.
A bagel by any other name would smell as sweet.
Show respect & sophistication for eating the bagel.
Keep your little fingers wavering in the air, while your other fingers & thumbs hold the bagel gently close to your mouth!
“Let me make one thing perfectly clear. I’m not a bagel; I have never been a bagel; but I do know what a good bagel taste like!”
“The expression you’re a good egg could become you’re a good bagel.”
Old bagels never die, they just fade away-Douglas MacBagel
“If we all shared bagels, we could eat’em in the morning, We could eat’em in the evening all over this land.
Bagel’s could be a symbol of justice, a symbol of freedom as the world moves along with bagels hand in hand.”
2, 4, 6, ate, who do we appreciate….bagels, Bagels! BAGELS!!!
A couple decided to explore the beautiful San Francisco Bay area during their vacation in July. They made reservations for themselves and their two kids in the popular Bay Hotel. The day they arrived was sunny and warm, so the boy and his younger sister walked down to the water to watch the birds. After a while, the little girl nudged her brother. “Why do they call them seagulls?” she asked. Her brother waved away her question.
“Because,” he answered, “if they didn’t, they’d have to call them bay-gulls.”
CAPTION:
‘Forget the cream cheese. I have it on good authority that a tapioca pudding schmear is heavenly.”
When it comes to buying the best bagel for the buck, “My mother told me, you better shop around.”
“You don’t have to worry about my lunch. I’m sitting on it right now. That’s the best way to warm a bagel.”
“May not want to apply cream cheese till you fully get up off of that bagel.”
Gerald,
Sitting on a bagel reminds me of the Carl’s Jr. flat bun ads, butt I haven’t seen on for awhile.
Not all bagels are created equal.
Some are RICHLY prepared with special GOURMET ingredients, and others are POORLY prepared bagels with GORNISHT ingredients!
NYC Bagels = Bagelopolis
No Bagels = Bagel Apocalypse
Bagels without cream cheese = Bagel Monotonous
Bagels with microbes = Bagel Botulous
Bugles of unknown origin = Bugles Bontonomus
I need to get a life . . .
Bagels with beer = Bagels Belchtoomas
Is a pizza-bagel a pizza that tastes like a bagel or a bagel that tastes like a pizza? The world may never know.
Goldilocks said, “This bagel is too big and that bagel is too small but a bagel with lox is golden”.
A caviar bagel is considered too cavalier! (Bagels must mind their manners.)
“Trying to pick the perfect schmear from the comments listed here is mind bageling.”
To eat a bagel is human, and to later reminisce about the flavor is divine.
Dale,
At first I thought you were going to say that sitting on a bagel is ass-inine.
I’m glad you didn’t say that.
Gerald,
That was a good wise-crack (bottoms up!) :^)
Dale,
Thanks, but I based it on a very old joke:
First person: “What a terrible accident!”
Second person: “What happened?”
First person “A beautiful woman by mistake backed into a moving propeller at the airport.”
Second person: “That’s absolutely awful. What was the result?”
First person: “Dis-assed her.”
TRUMP bagels are worth their weight in gold. Fortunately, FOOL’S GOLD is not a cherished commodity!
Marvin,
The lives we lead are hard.
There’s nothing that can hide us.
Even bagels made of gold can’t help.
If you doubt me, ask Midas.
Gerald,
This reminds me of the story where a man is talking to GOD and asks, “How long is a million years?”
GOD answers, “One second.”
The man then asks GOD, “How much does it cost to make a million bagels?”
GOD answers, “One cent.”
The man then ask GOD for a penny to buy bagels.
GOD answers, “Sure, in a second!”
From “An Ugly Truth,” an inside look at Facebook by Sheera Frenkel and Cecilia Kang:
“No matter what steps the company took, Trump had amassed a Facebook following that was unyieldingly loyal and engaged. In the months heading up to the 2020 election, his audience on the platform had been swelling. In September alone, the president had nearly 87 million Facebook interactions on his page–more than CNN, ABC, NBC, the New York Times, the Washington Post and Buzz-Feed combined.”
Marvin,
Thanks for the story. Bagels are very smart. I once knew a bagel who majored in philosophy and liked to read Hegel. Can you imagine a bagel reading Hegel? I don’t think I could ever finagle a bagel into doing that.
Gerald,
Georg Hegel was a German philosopher who stated, “We learn from history that we do not learn from history.”
So, we have a tendency to see history repeat itself. Look at Afghanistan today and check out its history.
Over the centuries, Afghanistan was ruled by tribal factions that established their own rules & regulations.
Do you think America, Russia, or any country could change their behavior? Well, our country spent 20 years at war with a trillion dollars
to prove otherwise, and failed! Now, Communist China will test our resolve over Taiwan.
A decent bagel is meant to be DRESSED with cream cheese, otherwise it will have a questionable NAKED appeal!
(Marvin’s philosophy.)
Marvin,
Mark Twain, of all people, is supposed to have said, “History does not repeat itself. But it does rhyme.”
(By the way, Marvin, you play a very good game of verbal tennis. Thanks.)
Gerald,
I could never be on PAR with you (golf terminology) in literature, but I do LOVE the game (tennis terminology) challenge!
Thank you for your expertise!
Bagels are a blessing in many parts of the world, so say your BERACHAH before consuming!
If I bought a dozen and a half bagels, could I then construct my own l8-hole course?
And of course the number 18 is a special number in Jewish tradition, as you know, signifying life. That must be why so many Jews like to play golf.
Michael,
If there is one thing in life that is certain, it’s that all honeymoons eventually come to an end.
Once Governor Andrew Cuomo was the darling of leaders, with his incisive TV commentaries on the march of the coronavirus in New York State earning him an Emmy. Then there was Joe Biden, whose replacement of Trump earned him praise reminiscent of the punchline of a joke (“Why are you hitting yourself on the head with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop.”) and who has now fled in a most undignified way from Afghanistan. And now we have a new governor who plans to do the right and ethical things: Will her loyalty to good government survive her allegiance to her husband, a one-time federal prosecutor now a powerful man involved in gambling venues and concessions with a lot of business in the state?
Time will tell, but one thing is sure. Seasons always change.
Perhaps all praise should have a sell-by date.
Gerald,
I agree with you 100%.I’ve actually been thinking about this alot and feel that all of our so called leaders are very disappointing.Who are these people who think they have the capability to lead us?Are these really who we should be counting on.I don’t see any outstanding people among them.I do see plenty of crazy elected Republicans,really scary people who were elected by a truly scary portion of Americans who exhibit little in the way of brains but excessive prejudice and intolerance.The term public servant is laughable.They are servants to their inflated ego,having their political toadies kiss their ass for their own potential gains.There has to be a better way to insure our representatives are out to help us,not themselves.I’ve never seen it this bad.Its very discouraging.
don’t mean to exclude Biden………………horrible performance……stop the stupid excuses
For the August cartoon contest with the little angel talking to Gd on the beach:
“Rabbi Dobrusin is sorry to interrupt your vacation, but he has an urgent question. He is writing his high holiday sermon.”
Audrey,
An interesting caption, although it feels incomplete. Could it be finished in the following way, perhaps?
“Rabbi Dobrusin is sorry to interrupt your vacation, but he has an urgent question. He is writing his high holiday sermon, and he is unsure whether you prefer to be thought of as a just or a merciful Gd.”
Sorry, but I wondered where you were going with this. Thanks for submitting.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times – that bagels are delicious! But with AMNESIA, who’s counting?
“Rabbi Dobrusin asks if he can eat a bagel while writing a sermon about fasting.”
G-d’s answer: “Yes, if he spends all his time chewing the hole.”
An Israeli soldier is often given the order to quickly LOX & LOAD his bagel preferably with cream cheese.
Rabbi Dobrusin has issued a sermon on how to accomplish this FAST procedure!
The New Yorker today has a bagel article entitled “A Guide to Purchasing Your Very Own Los Angeles Bagel”. I thought it was irreverent to compare an LA bagel to a NYC bagel – if irreverent is a reverent word to use. The article surprisingly even drops the f-bomb, g-bomb and h-bomb, amongst others. There you go – get your bagels! (A very hole-some food).
Marvin – lox and load is rich :^)
Dale,
LOX & LOAD is even richer with a Dale STOUT BEER! 🙂
What a tragedy that we lost all those soldiers in Afghanistan today…..heartbreaking.
Calvin Coolidge was the 30th president of the United States and one of the most conservative, both in words and deeds. Once at a dinner a young woman came up to him and said, “Mr. President, I made a bet that I could get you to say more than two words.” Without turning in her direction, Coolidge replied, “You lose.”
Another time, President and Mrs. Coolidge visited a farm. Mrs. Coolidge asked her guide how many times the rooster copulated daily.
“Dozens of times” was the reply.
Mrs. Coolidge looked pleased. “Please tell that to the president,” she said.
When the president passed the pens and was told about the rooster, he asked, “Same hen every time?”
“Oh, no, Mr. President, a different one each time.”
The president nodded slowly, then said,
“Tell that to Mrs. Coolidge,”
(At least this post breaks up the constant conversation about bagels.)
Gerald,
Did you hear that Wolfgang Puck changed his name to WOLFING BAGELS?
Now his WOLF GANG will delight in PUCKered gourmet lips!
What about Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart? He could provide the music while the gang wolfed down their bagels.
What about Wolf Blitzer? Shouldn’t his name be WOLFED BAGELS as the news is BLITZERed across the T.V. screen?
Marvin-nice, he Wolfed down his bagel and got Blitzered on beer (Guinness Stout or Dale’s Pale Ale).
Dale,
No matter what W.B. drinks while eating bagels, chances are he is “DANCING WITH WOLVES” while BLITZED! Thus, he is Wolf Blitzer!
(Anybody else who is eating bagels and drinks Dale’s STOUT BEER and is “DANCING WITH WOLVES” might develop WOLF BLISTERS!) 🙂
Michael, at last some sanity. For a while I thought that the inmates were running the institution:
“A judge in Florida has ruled that Gov. Ron DeSantis’ ban on school mask mandates is unconstitutional and therefore unenforceable. DeSantis banned school districts from implementing mandatory mask rules, saying that parents had the sole right to decide if their child masks up. But a group of parents sued, arguing the order was unconstitutional. After a three-day hearing, Leon County Circuit Judge John C. Cooper ruled on Friday that the order is “without legal authority.” He said DeSantis’ Parent’s Bill of Rights gives parents the right to make decisions for their kids but also allows for reasonable, limited government actions that are needed to protect public health. Mask mandates fall within that exemption, he said. Cooper also mentioned two landmark court decisions that found individual rights need to be balanced with the impact on the rights of others.”
I went to lunch this week with a former public defender who I have known professionally for over thirty years.We had always been confined to legal discussions as our cases often intersected,so discussing politics was new to us.I would have guessed that this seemingly liberal public defender would be a solid democrat with contempt for Trump politics.Nope.As it turns out,he is a Republican and believes the election was stolen.He is a very nice person so on the one hand I wouldn’t mind continuing to see him but I must admit my enthusiasm has taken a big hit.Can you manage a friendship with a polar political opposite?Can we agree to not discuss politics,as we talked about and confine ourselves to other topics?I think I can manage it but people like DeSantis make my blood run cold,who I don’t know if he really believes his nonsense or is it all political calculation.Maybe it doesn’t matter as his so called beliefs have the same affect no matter what he believes. I guess my point is that I continue to be frustrated by seemingly intelligent people who espouse far right dogma and ideas.When confronted by an individual who you have respected,with ideas you believe are nonsensical,is it ok to ignore it and agree to not discuss it or should you be more assertive at the risk of ending the relationship.
Michael,
You’re asking me the same question that’s been bugging me and that I struggle to answer. It’s as if Dr.Jekyll and Mr. Hyde are two sides of the same person. Can you befriend one and ignore the other? How can supposedly sane and decent people admire a man who obviously cares about no one and nothing but himself? Are our feeling natures that divorced from our intellectual natures? It’s very scary, as if, given a recurrence of the Holocaust, we could all be hunted down by our friends. Maybe our intellects are merely paper surfaces, covering a swamp below. Isn’t that what Freud implied in his late book “Civilization and Its Discontents”? The more civilized and cultured we are, the more there occurs the equal and opposite reaction that Trump has stirred. I don’t mean to cop out, but I’d welcome the input of others on this site as we temporarily retire to neutral corners.
Gerald,
The above is for you.
Oops–I spoke too soon. The crazies are still in charge of the institutions.
“As a Georgia school district grapples with rising COVID cases, teachers are begging the district for a mask mandate.
“Instead, Bulloch County School District Superintendent Charles Wilson offered a more casual dress code – a move teachers have criticized.
“Wilson announced in an email last week that the district’s teachers could wear jeans for a month, Larrison Campbell reported.
“‘I talked with principals today and we all agreed that, though it is a small gesture, you would enjoy the liberty of wearing jeans for the next month,’ Wilson wrote. “So, by all means, please enjoy your jeans throughout the month of September (and the rest of August).”
A screenshot of the email, which has made rounds on Twitter, showed Wilson said “words can only go so far” as he thanked teachers for “all that you are doing for our students and for each other.”
“Everyone fights their own battles but all of you are angels and heroes to our children and they need you. Please remember that,” a screenshot of Wilson’s email shared by The New Yorker’s Charles Bethea read.
One teacher at a school in Bulloch County said that Wilson’s letter was “super offensive,” speaking anonymously for fear of retaliation. Another compared going to school to “going to war.”
“The only weapons that we have are masks and vaccines if we’ve chosen to get it,” the second teacher, also speaking anonymously, said. “And our administrators sit in their offices sending out condescending little emails, as if jeans are going to help protect us or our families from getting sick.”
“I’m dismissing you from my personal corps of assistants. You had no right to get all the other angels to petition Dr.Ben Schwartz not to include me in any more Moment cartoons in the foreseeable future.”
Moses asked God on Mount Sinai, “Your chosen people have worshiped idols. What should I do?”
God answered with anger, “TAKE A HIKE!”
So, Moses & his followers walked around the desert for 40 years.
Moses then looked to the heavens and asked GOD, “What now?”
GOD answered, “Your MOMENT to rejoice will be soon!”
Moral of the story: You cannot rush the MOMENT!
Thank you Marvin. I myself have been waiting for t he MOMENT with bagel’d breath. (Have I no shame?)
Jim,
With BAGELS IN MIND, we all suffer with SCHMEAR MADNESS at the MOMENT!
Republicans will cut your taxes and keep them low. But there’s a price: You have to side with the Party of Trump in political battles, even if it might mean breaking the law.
This latest twist in the GOP’s self-preservation strategy is a threat by the top House Republican, Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy, to retaliate against any business that complies with requests from the committee investigating the Jan. 6 insurrection at the Capitol. “If these companies comply with the Democratic order to turn over private information, they are in violation of federal law and subject to losing their ability to operate in the United States,” McCarthy tweeted on Aug. 31. “A Republican majority will not forget and will stand with Americans to hold them fully accountable.”
Before everybody rushes to one corner or the other — Democrat or Republican, liberal or conservative — let’s acknowledge the political gamesmanship here. Democrats are investigating the Jan. 6 riots with marginal Republican cooperation, because the GOP’s Trumpers don’t want a fair inquiry that could implicate the former president or any allies who may have enabled or encouraged the rioters. Instead of a bipartisan panel, the Jan. 6 commission consists of 8 Democrats and 5 Republicans. Democrats control it.
The panel has reportedly issued subpoenas to telecom and social-media companies ordering them to preserve communication records for dozens or hundreds of people it may investigate — including McCarthy himself, who spoke with former President Trump by phone during the uprising. The panel is also interested in records relating to Trump, some of his family members, and several fervent Trumpers in Congress, including Reps. Matt Goetz, Lauren Boebert, Marjorie Taylor Greene, Jim Jordan, Mo Brooks, and Louie Gohmert. As far as anybody knows, the panel has not asked any firm to preserve the records of any prominent Democrat.
Laughing yet?
“Any path is only a path, and there is no affront, to oneself or to others, in dropping it if that is what your heart tells you. Look at every path closely and deliberately. Try it as many times as you think necessary. Then ask yourself, and yourself alone, one question. Does this path have a heart? If it does, the path is good; if it doesn’t, it is of no use.”
Carlos Castaneda, The Teachings of Don Juan.
“We have a deal. You supply the wing, and I’ll supply the prayer.”
GOD said to his chosen people, “Be fruitful and have many LABOR DAYS!”
The People of Israel then asked GOD, “Can we have a vacation afterwards?”
GOD answered, “With any luck, your MOMENT of vacation relief will come with many new subscribers!”
Moral of the story: The next generation deserves their MOMENT, no matter how long it takes!
“What many federal prosecutors do is take the connections that they’ve gained in public service straight to the bank. They go into private legal practice, or they become bankers, consultants, lobbyists, political operatives, or fixers, like Kenneth Starr, who used his political connections in the White House to get the Justice Department to review Epstein’s case.
“Then they can earn lots of money from wealthy people, like Epstein, who are trying to get away with bad deeds.
“Of course, none of this is illegal.”
—From “Perversion of Justice: the Jeffrey Epstein Story” by Julie K. Brown, award-winning investigative reporter, Miami Herald.
Gerald,
Many of the best defense attorneys were former prosecutors,who worked for relatively modest salary while in their prosecutor jobs.Federal prosecutors actually make less many than many prosecutors in county jobs,despite the fact that as a whole,they are very talented lawyers,coming from the best law schools.It is not a surprise when they eventually choose to cash in,looking for private practice employment.With all their smarts and experience,they make excellent defense lawyers,using all the tactics they were exposed to from defense lawyers they encountered while prosecuting.Another big advantage is that their is almost an atmosphere of fraternal recognition that exists.If the prosecutor knows that you started your own career in the same way,you seem to get treated with more respect,with your client getting the ultimate benefit.You are also sensitive to the things that tend to piss off prosecutors and you are able to avoid those mistakes while striking the right cords.
Michael,
Thanks.
Anonymous quote worth repeating:
“If you feel you don’t fit into this world, it’s because you’re here to create a better one.”
Moment just put out a bulletin that said the winner of the contest is a bagel,obviously stale by now.
Here’s a recent and relevant tweet:
“Texas: Where a virus has reproductive rights and a woman does not.”
CONGRATS to Stephen Nadler for winning the caption contest and again to Marvin and Gerald for their excellent entries.
“The Shofar may need to follow the dog to the country farm.”
“Aren’t we glad our son has good lungs? His lessons with the SHOFAR loudly signals Rosh Hashanah!”
“My son maybe “horny,” but I definitely lost the mood!”
“Tell Bubbe that little Joshua “Fit the Battle of Jericho” and will be visiting for a long stay!”
It’s the Bagel of Jericho…and the challah came a tumbling down. (Congrats to everyone!)
They all enjoyed a Dale STOUT BEER afterwards! (We drink a toast to everyone who entered this contest!)
Congratulations to Michael, Eileen, and Jim on their finalist status. I hope each of you can celebrate with a bagel.
Thankyou Stephen
Already have Stephen, Thank you.
“Maybe the drums would be okay after all.”
“He wants a bigger allowance.”
Way to go Steven and Caption finalist. Very creative caption skills by all. Look forward to the new contest.
CAPTION:
“Would it kill him just once to put that hideous horn away and bring us a couple of bagels with cream cheese?”
Shofar, so good.
So close and yet shofar away.
“Blowing a SHOFAR is SUCH A BLAST!”
“My son will help SHOFAR me to the grave!”
Caption:
“Well, it’s still better than a set of drums.”
Caption:
“I guess it’s time for break fast.”
He’s the boogie woogie bagel boy of Company B.
Way to be, it’s Kenny G.
Three o’clock and all’s well.
“Our son sheepishly RAMS IT HOME!”
“My son is a one NOTE success!” (You can NOTE my headache to prove it!)
“Who would have guessed he’d be a shofar prodigy.”
Gerald,
Are you ok
“Our SHOTGUN WEDDING wasn’t this loud!”
“The SHOFAR BLAST is our CALL TO PRAYER that we don’t get an eviction notice!”
“Is he trying to wake the dead or just us?”
Johnny Carson hosted “The Tonight Show ” for almost thirty years, from 1962 to 1992.
Someone asked him what he would like his epitaph to be.
He thought for a moment and reached for the traditional words of a talk-show host.
“I’ll be right back,” he said.
“Don’t forget.You wanted children and I wanted a Collie.”
Dale, yours is the best caption shofar.
the “Shofar, so good” I mean
Thanks, Jim :^)
“Our future SHOFAR LIMOUSINE DRIVER will escort us to our psychiatrist appointments!”
“Just a modern day version of the BIG BANG explosion!”
Captions:
“No more Viking Summer Camp for him!”
“I think he gets it from your Minnesota side of the family.”
He’s Jewish. He’s Lee. It’s Jubilee.
The Wi-Fi must be down.
Oh good, I thought he found my beer bong.
We need to talk about the elephant in the room.
All he needs now is a Yakima and a harmonica.
All he needs now is a Yamaka and a harmonica.
(My spellings not too good – it also said Yamaha-which is kind of ha-ha)
Maybe I can use it for a hearing aid.
I did say ‘blow it it your ear’.
I did say ‘blow it out your ear’.
(oops, I did it again)
We could use a little Silent Night.
“There’s going to be a burglary today when he’s at school and guess what will be stolen.”
“This calls to mind both the destruction of the Temple and my sleep at the same time.”
“Maybe he won’t notice if we switch his SHOFAR for a CORNUCOPIA!”
“Even the Geneva Convention prohibits torture.”
If you don’t stop, I’ll give you a tkeya gadola you won’t forget!
We had a President so erratic and incompetent that the military discussed not allowing him to order the use of nuclear weapons without their input.Sounds like treason until you dissect the circumstances and in doing so you can conclude that if that input would have prevented a nuclear strike against China or some other country for the purpose of keeping him in office,it could easily be argued that their preparation was sane and necessary.Why isn’t he in jail?His phone call to Georgia asking them to find 11,500 votes is clearly attempted election interference.Their should be an uproar that he hasn’t been indicted.Stop being intimidated.Put the criminal on trial.Take the shot.
“His proclivity to annoy comes from your family.”
“This SHOFAR gaseous output would be rated a LOUD ‘B’ SHARP FLATULENT!”
“This place is now designated THE KRAKATOA HOUSE!”
“It’s doubly annoying since we are not even Jewish.”
“Whoever coined the phrase, “BLOW YOUR STACK,” must have heard of my SHOFAR SON!”
I told him to toot his own horn.
There are several results from SHOFAR BLOWING:
STAGE 1 Mild Hearing Loss.
STAGE 2 Impaired Hearing.
STAGE 3 Temporary Acute Hearing Loss.
STAGE 4 Blown Out Ear Wax & Constipation Relief. (BIG SIGH IT’S OVER!)
Let’s get him some lessons. In Israel.
“Apparently, our LITTLE MACHO MAN has a strong SHOFAR CACOPHYONY on RITALIN!”
“Our son can produce WHALE SONGS with his SHOFAR because of his large BLOWHOLE!”
Marvin,
Whale done :^)
Dale,
You make me WHALE also! 🙂
I wonder if this is how Benny Goodman got started.
A bagel for your thoughts.
Happy New Year.
It’s called ‘Rhapsody in Little Boy Blew’.
All right stop, collaborate and listen,
Irv is back with my brand new invention
Words from an infamous politician:
If I had a Bagel for every time I made a mistake, then I would own the bakery!
Or,
If I had a Bagel for every time I was right, then I would be lucky to have a BAGEL BITE!
(Dedicated to Gerald Lebowitz who never met a corrupt politician he liked!)
“I wish the newspaper boy would just leave the paper without alerting us.”
This kipper’s ruined my herring.
“I better start wearing adult diapers, because I am getting PISSED OFF!”
Isn’t he supposed to visit your mother?
“My son should learn how to play tennis, as he already can raise a RACKET!”
“My son will make an excellent astronaut, because he has now learned how to break the SOUND BARRIER!”
He puts the SON in superSONic. :^)
Dale,
What a SONorous statement! 🙂
It’s time to make the bagels.
Did you forget to buy cream cheese?
If I had a rich bagel,
Ya ba dibba dibba dibba dibba dibba dibba dum
There’s no bagel like a CREAM CHEESE BAGEL like no bagel I know.
“Only a Jezebel can comprehend the pain I suffer with my son’s LOUD DECIBELS!”
It’s 2am and we know where our kid is.
“Better to blow a shofar than to curse the darkness!” (Unless you have a candle & matches!)
“He probably annoyed the horn off some poor sleep deprived cow at summer camp.”
“His Hebrew School has some explaining to do.”
On the plus side, now he plays reveille only twice a year.
“A new modern “TRUMPETING” era will occur as predicted by the prophet Elijah.
No, not the age of Louis ARMSTRONG, but the BLOWING OF THE SHOFAR by my LUNGSTRONG son!”
“On the bright side,we don’t need an alarm clock anymore.”
“Cartooning is the ideal work for the uncommitted.”
—Ed Koren
Did you forget to tell him you bought a new alarm clock?
Ewe’d better take this one.
“Before the SHOFAR sounded I was in excellent health.
Now I suffer from migraines, fatigue, vertigo, anxiety, dizziness, and cognitive impairment.
What a difference a TOOT makes!” (Did I mention my health insurance payments increased?)
To keep in sync with the current cartoon, which shows one of the ways in which a child can ruin a parent’s sleep, here is something written very long ago by Groucho Marx:
“Only too well do I know how a screaming baby can disturb someone’s sleep. I can remember those dismal days when I had to get up in the middle of the night because my infant son took a notion to yell until he was picked up.
“But I cured him of that habit. It came about like this. One night I was curled up in my bed. Suddenly I heard my son screaming and the sound saddened me. ‘Should I,’ was the question I put to myself, ‘should I pick up the brat again and pace the floor?’
“I was about to answer the customary yes when my manhood asserted itself. ‘No,’ I finally replied. ‘No! I’ll scream for a while and let the brat carry me and see how he likes it.’
“So I began to yell and, surely enough, the baby came and picked me up and carried me around the room until my screaming ceased. Maybe I’m just a foolishly proud father, but it seems rather wonderful when you realize that the lad was scarcely ten months old and I was feeling close to a hundred.
“I repeated this performance for eight successive nights until the neighbors complained. You see, I was able to cry twice as loud as the baby. Night after night I’d scream; the brat would crawl out of his crib, pick me up, and pace the floor.”
I assume that if Groucho were in the current cartoon, he would grab the shofar from the kid and blow it into his ear until the kid begged for mercy.
“But dear there is no snooze button on Little Jimmy or the Shofar.”
Gerald
What’s the buzz,tell me what’s happening?
Michael,
Here’s one your wife might like:
A husband and wife were walking along the promenade in Odessa. Suddenly a very attractive woman walked by.
“Who’s that?” asked the wife.
“That’s Goldberg’s mistress,” replied the husband.
“Oh,” said the wife.
They kept walking. Another very attractive woman walked by.
“Who is that?” again asked the wife.
“That is Cohen’s mistress,” replied the husband.
“Ah,” said the wife.
They continued walking. Suddenly a beautiful woman walked by.
“And who is that?” asked the wife.
“That is my mistress,” replied the husband.
“Ooohh,” said the wife. “I’m so proud. Ours is the best.”
Gerald,
Good to hear from you again.You’ve been relatively quiet.My wife liked your joke but would never be so complacent if I behaved similarly.Hope you are well as I look forward to reading your posts.
“Just because I’m an “OLD BLOWHARD,” doesn’t mean my son should be a YOUNG BLOWHARD!”
Michael, thanks. Since I’m on a Marx Brothers kick, please indulge me?
Groucho: If you had ten applea and you wanted to divide them among six people, what would you do?
Harpo: Make applesauce.
I suppose if they were on this site now, the dialogue might go:
Groucho: If you had ten bagels and you wanted to divide them among six people, what would you do?
Harpo: Make bagelsauce.
Actually, it wouldn’t be that bad an idea to announce a new contest here, a contest within a contest, so to speak.
If you had ten bagels and you wanted to divide them among six people, what would you do?
The winner will receive a no-prize, to be delivered in no time.
Gerald,
Answer: BAGEL BITES!
Cut up each bagel into 3 equal pieces. (10 multiplied by 3 = 30 pieces. Then, 30 pieces divided by 6 people)
So, each person receives 5 Bagel Bites.
If I win a no prize, please deliver my reward in no time as promised! THANKS!
NEXT TIME ADD CREAM CHEESE TO THE BAGELS!
Marvin,
Since you’re the only entrant so far, your entry has been judged the best so far. I just put your prize in the nonmail, so you should receive it in some way. Actually, your solution is ingenious. Bagel bites allow irregular numbers of people to be served, even fractions of people. And you created more product by eliminating the holes. I was once taught that the hole is greater than the sum of its parts, but you proved that to be wrong, that it’s not the hole truth. Thanks for the math lesson, by the way!
Marvin,
I as once told that a genius is one who thinks outside the box. Well.that should include you, since you’ve amply proven that you can think outside the hole.
Thanks for your wisdom, again.
Gerald,
My position is nobody likes to be “BOXED IN” and can’t get out.
Therefore, I tend to stay out of the box and likewise think that way.
The secret to my occasional successful nonsense is to have a brilliant articulate person like yourself complimenting me!
THANKS!
Thomas Edison said it best: “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”
Gerald,
Since the bagels are mine,and assuming I’m one of the six people,I would keep five bagels for myself and give one each to the other five people.You didn’t say the bagels had to be divided equally so this way,they get a whole bagel and I get to eat well for a couple of days.This may look unfair but heck,there my bagels.
Marvins solution reminds me of how I got my grandfather angry at me when I was in junior high.He was a smart guy who dealt with numbers in his business.I asked him how much 10 divided by one-half was and he immediately said five.I then asked him how much 10 divided by 2 was and he hesitated and said 5.I asked him how that could be.I told him that we had just learned in school that ten divided by one half was actually 20.I know this was essentially a trick question but my grandfather didn’t get the joke.
“There is no longer any ROOM in my house for a COMFORT ZONE!”
CAPTION:
“I didn’t say shofar away, I said take your shofar far away.”
I told you a long time ago to get him piano lessons.
Does that mean it is time for breakfast?
I can name that tune with three notes.
I can name that song with three notes.
I think it is Hava Negela.
Hi Bruce,
Hava Bagela and a smile :^)
I think he is a natural.
It’s gonna be a long Elul!
So much for counting sheep….
We need Ram-ban!
(1) “My Shofar son never listens to me anymore especially when I say, PIPE DOWN!”
OR,
(2) “My Shofar son is now asleep, it must be a PIPE DREAM!”
OR,
(3) “My Shofar son hates environmental hazards, so why does he have a NOISE POLUTING PIPE?”
“Shofar away, must you bring your shofar to this place more and more? I yearn for everything new, to wake up to anything but you, I would love to have this my way, I want to see you moving on down the highway.”
Opps!
Please disregard my last post, I had decided it was not working then hit post by accident.
“With a Shofar, my son is considered RAMbunctious! Don’t ask me to RAMble on!”
I asked for a bagel in bed, not a bugle.
“His religious leaders implied blowing the Shofar releases TENSION ANXIETIES. More like TENSION TANTRUMS!”
“I think he’s got his dates mixed up. These are only the high holidays, not the Last Judgment.”
“When I hired him he said he would serenade us on our anniversary by blowing a mean horn.”
“To protect adults from irate child blowing Shofars, we need an ADULT PROTECTIVE SERVICES!”
Jonas could use a little Auto-Tune.
The LA Rams just won the Sheepherder Bowl.
I hope he gets his sheepskin.
A degree in Agriculture will help!
“When I was discharged from the army, I foolishly thought I’d never have to hear reveille again.”
“You never listened to me when I begged you to get him piano lessons.”
Bruce,
Sorry for my duplication of the above. When I wrote my entry, I hadn’t yet seen yours/
It’s said that “great minds think alike.”
At least YOUR mind is great.
“Louis Armstrong just turned over in his grave.”
“Maybe he’ll stop soon. The walls of Jericho just came down.”
“In name for sure, my son’s hero is Rowdy, Rowdy PIPER!”
“We’re Jewish. How could Gabriel have taught him to blow that horn?”
“Not many of my neighbors are familiar with the fictional famous Horatio Hornblower.
But, all my neighbors are now familiar with my son the infamous Shofar Hornblower!”
“This is what our son has turned into after studying Buddhism with Ram Dass?
“In Law School, professors discuss Whistle Blowers. They need to mention my Shofar son & his MAL-PRACTICE WHISTLE BLOWING!”
Dedicated to Michael Lomazow: A lawyer who tells the truth whether he is blowing a whistle or not!
Marvin,
Thanks for the dedication and mention.Can a lawyer tell the truth and survive?The answer is blowing in the wind.
The lawyer’s job is to twist the truth so as to benefit his or her client.
Is there really any such thing as The Truth? That’s a question almost impossible to answer, like whether the light in the refrigerator actually goes off when you close the door.
CAPTION:
“We pay to send him to private school for three years and this is all we have to shofar it?”
Kids play the darndest things.
‘Show and Tell’ became ‘Shofar and Tell’.
That’s what I’d call a real long horn.
Paraphrase: “Don’t MESS with a Texas steer!”
Play that Garfunkel music, Simon.
“My next investment will be in the hearing aid industry!” (Can you hear me?)
Today’s his Bar Mitzvah.
“Have you seen the movie, “The Sound and the Fury (1959)?” My son’s Shofar blowing will introduce the sequel!”
“He has no enemies but is intensely disliked by all his friends.”
—Oscar Wilde
“My son will make an ALIYAH to Israel. He will put all the other Shofar blowers to shame!”
“I knew something was wrong with him when he was a child. He kept watching that film “Young Man with a Horn,” with Kirk Douglas playing a boy obsessed with the trumpet, over and over and over again.”
“Perhaps someone could use a LOUD FOG-HORN on their rig in traffic. My kid & his LOUD SHOFAR are now available!”
Why can’t he study to be a doctor instead?
Watching Yankees v.Red Sox.So exciting.Playoff baseball,great rivalry,nighttime baseball in Boston..Baseball at its best..
Can you help?I subscribed to Moment in March,got one issue and no more.CUSTOMER SERVICE DOESNT SEEM TO HELP.I PAID ,OFCOURSE.THEY HAVE ME AS SUBSCRIPTION OVER! ,but can’t seem to fix it.Terrible service.
“Shofar one more minute, and it’ll be shofar up your butt in 5 minutes.”
Blow it out your gasket.
That explains the mysterious midnight foghorn.
Why couldn’t he sing tenor…ten or twelve miles away.
He can’t cantor.
If he can’t CANTOR, then maybe he can CANTER while blasting the Shofar! 🙂
“The sunshine days are getting shorter just like my SHOFAR TEMPER!”
Tired of his parents always waking up late, the boy decided to help them “grab the bull by the horns” to start the morning off right.
“What I’m repenting is having given him the money to buy that blasted horn.”
“The sound of the shofar was meant to confuse Satan, not poor parents who need their sleep.”
“On Yom Kippur we’re forgiven for our sins. Does that include a mercy killing?”
“There was a 5.9 Richter Scale earthquake in Japan. I didn’t realize my boy’s Shofar playing reached that far!”
Reveille with a shofar is still reveille!
A young American tenor is making his debut at La Scala. He sings his showcase aria and the crowd cries “Ancora! Ancora!” So he sings it again. Once more, the crowd erupts into loud shouts of “Ancora! Ancora!” The tenor takes a deep breath and performs the aria for a third time. “Ancora! Ancora!” shouts the crowd.
The young singer holds up his hands. “Thank you,” he says. “Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You have no idea how much this means to me,” he says, his voice trembling. “I was raised by my mother, who was a laundress in Kansas City. She worked her fingers to the bone, scrimped and saved, and sent me to study music at Juillard in New York. All my life I’ve dreamed of this moment. I am so moved and so grateful to you for your response. Thank you. But the orchestra is waiting, the other singers are waiting, and the opera has to go on. Please let us continue.”
With that he takes a step back to allow the opera to proceed, when a voice comes from the back of the hall.”
“Oh, no,” it screams. “You gonna stay and sing this till you get it right!”
“The dead might someday be resurrected, but not our sleep.”
“I don’t know what I fear more, the Day of Judgment or his playing.”
“Do we celebrate the creation of the world or the destruction of our sleep?”
“I changed my kid’s nickname from MACHO to SATCHMO!”
Remind me to get him a Rubik’s cube for Hanukkah.
“Whose idea was it to send him to Hebrew School?”
Improvement:
“Is our son celebrating the creation of the world or the destruction of our sleep?”
“I need a DNA test on Little Satchmo, as he may be related to the Parasaurolophus.”
(Parasaurolophus: A duck-billed dinosaur with a “fog-horn” on his head.)
“Does he have a snooze button?”
1) Didn’t you tell him that a shofar is not a HOLY alarm clock?
2) I’d rather have a rooster wake me up!
Moment called me and says they have solved and will fix my subscription problem.We shall see.This after two emails to the editor,etc.
I can’t believe it. No mention of bagels since September 30. Are we going cold turkey? I’ll hold my breath and present everyone with an alternative, a classic vaudeville routine between Groucho and Harpo:
Groucho: (As the teacher): What is the shape of the world?
Harpo (As the student): I don’t know.
Groucho: Well, what shape are my cufflinks?
Harpo: Square.
Groucho: Not my weekday cufflinks; the ones I wear on Sundays.
Harpo: Oh, round.
Groucho: All right, what is the shape of the world?
Harpo: Square on weekdays, round on Sundays.
Shofar nobody has answered the challenge. How about this:
Trivia questions for the day: What are the names of Rocky Balboa’s pet turtles?
Cuff and Link
What do you call a pet turtle that is always gettin stuck in his shell?
It don’t matter, he is not gonna come anyway.
Did you realize a BAGEL is boiled before it is baked? You must savor the taste with good teeth/dentures!
Therefore, the process of devouring a scrumptious bagel requires more than CHEWING GUM(S) in the mouth!
Joke for Everyone,particularly Marvin,
Guy goes into a bar everyday and a orders two crown royals.He explains to the bartender that he had a friend who died in Korea who he always drank with so this is in memory of his friend,one for him and one for his friend.
One day he enters the bar and orders one crown royal.What happened,asks the bartender.I quit drinking,says the man.
Michael,
A traveling salesman finds himself stuck somewhere in Kansas after his car breaks down. He hikes for a while until he comes to a small farm, where he explains his predicament. The farmer tells him that his daughter is young and innocent and that he’s looking for someone to teach her the facts of life. In gratitude he’ll give the man a place to sleep and a good meal. The salesman agrees and, a little later, walks the girl to one of the barns.
“You see this?” he asks. “This is my thing, and you’ll love it inside you. Let me show you,” he adds, as he pulls down his trousers.
“Now the trick is to let me put it in. Then I take it out. Then I put it in again. Then I take it out. Then I put it in. Then I …”
The girl interrupts him.
“For God’s sake,” she yells,
“Make up your mind!”
(I hope this is not censored by management.)
You can lox a bagel but you didn’t lox the door.
(~Brought to you by Salmon & Sons.)
PS-If you’re a little tired of salmon, try salmonella.
B’Rams Lullaby he’s not.
I think he finally conched out.
Okay, okay…we’ll make allowance for your allowance.
Sorry, we don’t negotiate with Pharohists.
He just parted the High C.
To bagel or not to bagel, that is the question.
-Or-
I think he’s been sniffing gluten.
“The sound of silence is an EAR-ie feeling!”
“Even Helen Keller wouldn’t have appreciated my son’s loud Shofar blowing!”
“GOD save the Queen (from the blast of my kid’s Shofar)!”
What’s the difference between BAGELS & BUGLES?
(You can eat both, but only play with BUGLES!)
Marvin,
I may blow a bugle, but I can blow you to a bagel (slang for treating someone to something).
Anyway, reading your comments is always a treat.
I wonder, would a trumpet qualify as a pet?
Gerald,
Sorry to say I never heard the slang phrase: “I can blow you to a bagel!”
(Is this New York slang, or perhaps Gen-Z slang?)
The bagel phrase I like is from the Yiddish: “Lign in drerd un bakm beygl!”
(“May you lie in the ground and bake bagels!”)
THANKS for liking my post! (Blowing a trumpet should be considered a pet peeve!)
How do I follow my slightly off-color last post? By something completely different, of course. (I generally prefer not to repeat myself, anyway.)
I picked a story from Persia. Here it is:
A sage comes to the door of heaven and knocks.
From within the voice of God asks, “Who’s there?”
And the sage answers, “It is I.”
“In this house, ” replies the voice, “there is no room for thee and me.”
So the sage goes away and spends many years pondering this answer in deep meditation..
Returning a second time, he listens as God asks the same question, and again the sage answers, “It is I.”
The door remains closed.. After many years the sage returns and, at his knocking, the voice again demands, “Who is there?”
This time the sage replies, “It is thyself!”
This time the door is opened.
(I prefer this to my last post and even to the bagel jokes, if you really want to know.)
Marvin,
“To blow someone to” is slang for “to treat someone to,” going back to the days of Damon Runyon, a famous newspaperman in the days of “Guys and Dolls.” He had a atreetwise approach to life, as shown by some of his sayings (“the race is not always to the swift nor the battle to the strong, but that’s the way to bet”).
So if someone approaches you and says that he’ll blow you to a beer, take him up on it.
Thanks!
That’s the last time I am letting that kid give us a wakeup call.
“What makes you think it’s in tune?”
“It sounds more like a Ricola gadola.”
“Does he have to practice every day for a once-a-year gig?”
“He sounds great on the side I can still hear.”
“Does that have the latest updates installed?”
Perhaps with a little flourish:
“Does *that* have the latest updates installed?”
Adrian,
You came back without a hello for your friends? Fill us in, please, if you feel so inclined.
Hello Gerald (et al.)! No news, just a bit of attention-to-this-site deficit disorder. Fall’s here, I felt nostalgic, decided to drop by. A (very nice) visit to the ol’ neighbourhood…
“You had to tell him no bagel breakfast until he practices.”
“We should have gone with the drum set.”
“It’s turning over, that ram.”
“Guess who forgot to take out his hearing aid?”
“Be a good boy and practice less.”
“Is this what you meant by unconditional love?”
“Haven’t our people suffered enough?”
Adrian, great caption, but perhaps submitted too late for the current contest, which supposedly ended October 15.
But there could never be an expiration date for the enjoyment of any of your submissions.
Thank you, Gerald, as always! I’ve neglected this site for a while, so my comments had to be ‘moderated’ before allowing me back in. Nice to read all the regulars who are keeping the flame!
“Will it kill him not to drop by?”
“It *is* a vengeful God.”
Dodgers over Atlanta,Houston over Boston…………………………o DODGERS WIN WORLD SERIES
“Only HEADPHONES will save my SOUNDity!”
“Hebrew school is fine, but do they have to give homework?”
“Sometimes you have to put your foot down. Too bad if the Shofar is under said foot!”
: – )
“What’s most aggravating is that he’s playing the music from “the sound of silence.”
“My Shofar blowing kid is not British, but he sure has a STIFF UPPER LIP!”
“Hell hath no fury like my Shofar blown’ boy!”
Help Wanted!
Is there anyone on this site who predicted that house prices, instead of going down during this terrible pandemic would rise to stratospheric levels because people would be trying to abandon the cities and seeking open spaces in which to live once they could flee congested areas and were no longer constrained to be at their jobs in person? And if there is, was the same person possibly able to predict that, instead of people scrambling for jobs and happy to take any wages offered, there would be a devastating shortage of workers as people in almost every field would leave their jobs so that there are help wanted signs almost everywhere? Airline schedules have even been disrupted because there aren’t enough pilots, believe it or not. And enough truck drivers to drive goods cross country? Forget about it!
I for one am dizzy from trying to absorb all these completely unforeseen (at least to me) changes.
Thanks in advance for any words you may offer.
If anyone feels inclined to comment on the above, would the person venture to approach the next question: What’s coming next? Are we due for a market crash or for a new age of prosperity and contentment? All revolutions begin with discontent and chaos and confusion, and we are certainly in this period now. Why else was Trump elected?
All views are subjective anyway. For example, if a person’s friend loses his job, it’s a recession; but if the person himself loses the job, it’s a depression.
Maybe I’ll get lucky and Paul Krugman, the economics writer for the New York Times and the 2008 winner of the Nobel Prize, will pick up his pen (I mean keyboard) and respond to this himself. Or Michael’s wife, who seems tuned in to everything, will comment (anyone who can instantaneously come up with the right crossword puzzle answer while in the middle of a shower is certainly capable).
Gerald,
Since no one wishes to come forward to answer your questions, I will invoke Murphy’s Law.
“Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.”
(“If everything seems to be going well, you obviously overlooked something.”)
“Smile. Tomorrow will be worse.”
There are more Murphy’s Laws if you need more guidance!
Marvin,
You have to follow Murphy’s Law to its logical conclusion, which is that if you expect everything that can go wrong to go wrong, then everything will inexplicably turn out fine!
The object is to upend everybody’s expectations, no matter what they may be.
“Learn sign language in case you lose hearing from Shofar blowing.
The SIGNS of the times!”
“It’s the ME generation, Little RAM-bo against the world!”
Save your captions.THE CONTEST IS OVER.
Michael,
Of course you’re right but sometimes it’s hard to stop. However, one can only go Shofar :^)
Thanks, Dale
Rip Van Winkle wakes up after having been asleep for twenty years. The first thing he does is call his broker, who informs him that the value of his investments has increased to $100 million. Thrilled, he stays in the booth holding the phone until another operator suddenly cuts in: “Sorry, sir, that’ll be $500 million for the next three minutes.”
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Karl Marx was taking an English course at his local college. The problem was that he would leave halfway into each class session. Finally the professor could no longer restrain himself. “Am I doing something wrong, Mr. Marx? During every session you walk out halfway into the class. It’s very distracting.”
“No disrespect intended,” Marx said. “It’s just that I registered for two courses that overlap, and I have to rush to get to the other one on time.
He smiled. “I guess you could call it a perfect example of a class conflict.”
Gerald,
That’s a great one. I wonder if the ‘two classes’ could be Socialistology 101 and Economics for Bolsheviks?
Thanks, Dale
Have you heard of trickle-down economics? Well, there’s a new term called trickle-down meteorology. It goes like this, literally:
1) Climate change is warming the air.
2) This in turn allows the air to hold more moisture.
3) This moisture in turn trickles down in the form of more frequent and intense rainfalls.
4)This leads to more destructive flood damage than we’ve ever seen before.
Any doubters still remaining?
“A way to my son’s heart is through his Shofar lungs!”
(No bagels can alter this phenomenon.)
Trump never fails to show what a moron he is..His comments about Colin Powell exhibit one.
Michael,
Why were Trump’s comments on Powell so moronic? Trump decided that he wasn’t going to whitewash his differences with Powell after the latter’s death. To have praised him would have been hypocritical, and that quality of Trump’s is what his followers appreciate–the straight-talking assessments of events and people. Powell did not automatically become a saint by dying. Do we disagree? And I dislike Trump as much as you do.
Remember that famous line of poetry, “The falling out of faithful friends renewing is of love”? But I’m afraid that I do part ways with you on this one.
“The shofar may be curved, but the sound certainly comes out straight.”
“My family won’t be going to Disney Land this year.
My kid’s loud Shofar blowing would adversely affect Mickey & Minnie’s sensitive big ears!”
“Because of recent disturbances in my house, my synagogue took up a collection.
Free Shofar lessons for my son with the Cantor at my house!” (Just what my family wants, another Shofar Blower.)
Gerald,
We disagree.Trump could have just shut his mouth.To disparage Powell is a low class diatribe.If you have nothing nice to say,shut up.What makes it even more egregious is that we know that Trump lashes out against anyone who didn’t kiss his ass,so his motives are transparently impure.He did the same thing to John McCain after his death.Trump is pure shit.
Michael,
We do not really disagree. I had never before accepted Trump’s point of view. But it does sometimes get to me when bastards leave this mortal coil and are praised immoderately by people who had regularly fought with them in life. As far as the market is concerned, I agree with Marty Zweig, an old-time market analyst and “Wall Street Week” regular, who once coined the expression “Don’t fight the Fed.” As long as the Federal Reserve keeps pouring money into the economy, the market will keep rising, no matter how dismal the news is. One of Wall Street’s more decent sayings is “A rising tide lifts all boats.” As long as all these dollars are sloshing through the system, shares will continue to advance, however grudgingly. I felt strange seeing things differently from you in this instance because all your comments are so on-target . You’ve always been a reliable beacon in the gloom. Thanks—again and again–for being here.
Gerald,
My stock broker tells me that wall street expects a correction in the somewhat near future but no one knows when.My wife,definitely a bull when it comes to the market,thinks that I made a mistake when I took us down from 75% to 25% investment in stocks.So far she is right but I’m definitely more comfortable now.I have no real inkling about what next year holds.My best guess,and its purely a guess,thinks the market goes down 15% next year.Hopefully,I will be wrong.