Cartoon Caption Contest

Prove Your Comedy Chops with Moment’s Cartoon Caption Contest

 

Welcome to the Moment Magazine Cartoon Caption Contest, founded with the help of New Yorker cartoon editor Bob Mankoff, and drawn by New Yorker cartoonist Ben Schwartz.

 

Do you have a way with words and humor? If so, look at the cartoon below and send us a caption—or two or three! Plus scroll down to vote for your favorite caption. It’s free and fun!

 

Winners may claim a free Moment subscription for a friend of family member. Contest open to U.S. residents 18 and above.

 

Plus: Read interviews with some of our most prolific caption contest contributors here.

 

 

Submit a caption for this cartoon by November 30 by writing it in as a comment at the bottom of this page!

 

Vote for your favorite caption by filling out the form immediately below!

 

“I’ll give you a wing if you give me a prayer.”
—Gerald Lebowitz, New York, NY


“Oh thank heaven for 7-Eleven.”
—Dale Stout, Colorado Springs, CO


“God knows what you’re eating, my son.”
—Rich Wolf, Westminster, MD


“There is no devil’s food cake. We no longer do imports.”
—Adrian Storisteanu, Toronto, ON, Canada

 

Vote for your favorite cartoon caption!

The winner will receive a free subscription to Moment to give to a friend. Any U.S. resident age 18 or older can enter.

 

Chuckle at the Summer 2019 winning caption—and see who wrote it!

“If we hurry we can catch the ark!”
—Susan Rosati, Blackwood, NJ

 

How to Submit Your Caption(s)

Submit as a comment below by November 30, 2019. Finalists will appear in the upcoming issue. To vote for the winner of the September/October 2019 contest (see finalists above), use the vote form.

391 Comments
  • Gerald Lebowitz 18:05h, 28 October Reply

    “I’m the product of a mixed marriage, as you can see.”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 18:07h, 28 October Reply

    “Only half of me believes in you.”

    • Molly Logeland 22:11h, 28 October Reply

      Hannukah-ome on, Nick! We’ve got eight nights to get all the gifts delivered – can’t we just play reindeer games tonight?

      • Molly Logeland 22:12h, 28 October Reply

        *Hanukkah

        • Marvin Sager 15:29h, 30 October Reply

          I bet you spell your name Molly Legoland (by mistake). 🙂

  • Gerald Lebowitz 18:11h, 28 October Reply

    “You’ve never met a schizophrenic deer before?”

  • Marvin Sager 18:48h, 28 October Reply

    “My Menorah Antler is called a 9 POINTER during HUNTING SEASON!”

  • Marvin Sager 18:55h, 28 October Reply

    “Do I need a KIPPAH and a SANTA COAT?”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 19:18h, 28 October Reply

    “My father, Rudolph, married a Jewish girl, so my light comes from my head instead of from my nose. I’ll be able to guide your sleigh just fine.”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 19:22h, 28 October Reply

    “My father, Rudolph, married a Jewish girl, so my light comes from my head instead of from my nose. I’ll be able to take his place and guide your sleigh just fine.”

  • Adrian Storisteanu 20:16h, 28 October Reply

    “Actually it is not Blitzen, it’s Blintze.”

    • Alex Slusarenco 18:35h, 03 November Reply

      I just logged on to write mine, but it seems you beat me to it lol. I was gonna do: “No, I get that it’s cute, but don’t you think Blintzen is a bit on the nose?”

      • Adrian Storisteanu 19:06h, 05 November Reply

        : – )

  • Adrian Storisteanu 20:22h, 28 October Reply

    “I’m multitasking.”

  • Adrian Storisteanu 20:22h, 28 October Reply

    “Well, you know, a day here, eight days there…”

    • Adrian Storisteanu 20:25h, 28 October Reply

      OR

      “Well, you know how it is, a day here, eight days there…”

  • Adrian Storisteanu 20:28h, 28 October Reply

    “As long as it doesn’t fall on a Shabbos.”

  • JR 20:43h, 28 October Reply

    “The rabbi told me he needs a shofar, but at this time of the year?”

  • charles vaughan 20:57h, 28 October Reply

    Uh oh!!!

    • Adrian Storisteanu 16:03h, 01 November Reply

      Or, perhaps

      “Oy!!”

      ?! : – )

  • Gerald Lebowitz 21:13h, 28 October Reply

    “My parents met on Match.com.”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 22:45h, 28 October Reply

    “My name is Dreidel. Can I take you out for a spin on Hanukkah?”

  • Dinah Rokach 09:10h, 29 October Reply

    “I’ve already got a gig and it’s for eight nights.”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 09:11h, 29 October Reply

    “You’ve never seen a candelabra before?”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 09:21h, 29 October Reply

    “We Jews have always gotten into the spirit of Christmas, contributing such songs as ‘Deck the Halls with Boughs of Chola.’ It’s a wonderful chola day.”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 09:36h, 29 October Reply

    “I don’t know how it happened, but last week I woke up and found that my antlers had turned into a menorah.”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 09:45h, 29 October Reply

    “You were expecting maybe Bambi?”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 09:58h, 29 October Reply

    “Do you like my new Hannukah antlers?”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 10:30h, 29 October Reply

    “I’m applying for the position of sleigh guide which you advertised in this week’s edition of the Jewish Press.”

  • Marvin Sager 10:46h, 29 October Reply

    “Just don’t BUCK ME the wrong way!”

  • Marvin Sager 10:51h, 29 October Reply

    “When it comes to the holiday season, I’m just another BUCK in the HEADLIGHTS!”

    • Dale Stout 06:37h, 30 October Reply

      Don’t buck with me. ;^)

      • Dale Stout 06:38h, 30 October Reply

        I often get that deer in the head lights look.

  • Marvin Sager 11:30h, 29 October Reply

    “I was born to be wild—not a HOLIDAY TROPHY!”

  • Dale Stout 22:46h, 29 October Reply

    Me Norah, you Santa.

  • Dale Stout 22:47h, 29 October Reply

    Can you sing Santa Lucia?

  • Dale Stout 22:54h, 29 October Reply

    Are you Arthur Fiedler on the Roof?

  • Dale Stout 23:01h, 29 October Reply

    It’s part of the Establishment Claus.

  • Dale Stout 06:41h, 30 October Reply

    Jewish you a Merry Christmas and a Hanukkah New Year.

  • George Relles 10:36h, 30 October Reply

    Gotta a light?

  • George Relles 10:37h, 30 October Reply

    And YOU’RE making fun of MY hat?

  • George Relles 10:38h, 30 October Reply

    Yes on the split hoof but nope, never chewed my cud.

  • George Relles 10:39h, 30 October Reply

    I heard someone needed me to sleigh Goliath.

  • Rich Wolf 13:19h, 30 October Reply

    “I’ll help you, but we never had this conversation.”

  • Rich Wolf 13:21h, 30 October Reply

    “If you light them, we’ll have high beams.”

  • Rich Wolf 13:49h, 30 October Reply

    “All of the other goys and boys are laughing and calling me names.”

  • Marvin Sager 15:12h, 30 October Reply

    “My Rabbi said I am a blessing to the DEAR Hanukkah population!

  • Marvin Sager 15:39h, 30 October Reply

    “My favorite movie was not Bambi, but I did enjoy FIDDLER ON THE HOOF!”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 18:40h, 30 October Reply

    Dale, a very funny pun, but, actually, wouldn’t he be Fiedler on the HOOF?

    (Actually, Arthur Fiedler himself was full of joy, a man with a twinkle in his eye who loved life, always able to laugh at himself. He would’ve laughed the loudest if he could have read your marvelous play on his name. Nobody has ever really been able to take his place.)

    • Dale Stout 23:00h, 30 October Reply

      Gerald, Fiedler on the Hoof is good. Arthur Fiedler was a great fun person. I like it.

      • Dale Stout 23:04h, 30 October Reply

        And Marvin!

        • Marvin Sager 15:07h, 02 November Reply

          And Dale also! (You need to have your name included at all times!) THANKS! :>)

  • Gerald Lebowitz 18:44h, 30 October Reply

    Sorry, Marvin, I hadn’t seen your response when I wrote mine. Great minds think alike, I guess, and I can’t think of a greater mind than yours. (I’m not kidding.)

    • Marvin Sager 15:18h, 02 November Reply

      Next time I will wait longer to add my best entries to give you a fair chance to jump ahead of me. This way I have an excuse when I put forth SECOND RATE ENTRIES! I always truly admire your kind words to me and others. Keep up the good work! THANKS!

  • Rajee Krishnan 19:19h, 30 October Reply

    “NOW you’re telling me I’ve other religions to cover too?”

  • Dale Stout 23:07h, 30 October Reply

    I often get that deer in my head lights look.

  • Glen 13:59h, 31 October Reply

    “It’s my side-hustle.”

  • Glen 14:04h, 31 October Reply

    “Reindeer’s gotta eat everyday.”

  • Leigh Dolin 15:51h, 31 October Reply

    I knew I shouldn’t have agreed to circumcised!

  • Leigh Dolin 15:53h, 31 October Reply

    I knew I shouldn’t have agreed to be circumcised!

  • Susan Rosenbluth 17:39h, 31 October Reply

    So a job’s a job, right? When you see our tree, you don’t tell Bambi what I’ve got on my head, and when I’m through flying you around. I won’t tell the elves that your tzitzis are tucked into the red gotkes.

  • Marcia Berger 17:51h, 31 October Reply

    Do I look like a Rudolf?

  • Sabena Stark 19:19h, 31 October Reply

    I don’t know either. I got lost in Flatbush looking for water, fell into a mikkvah, and came out like this.

  • Sabena Stark 19:22h, 31 October Reply

    I don’t know either. I got lost in Flatbush, fell into a mikveh, and came out like this.

  • Gerald Lebowitz 20:23h, 31 October Reply

    “My menorah uses a special oil that lasts till Purim.”

    • Dale Stout 00:20h, 01 November Reply

      Oils well that ends well ;^)

  • Nathan Relles 21:11h, 31 October Reply

    “Because a red nose won’t last as long.”

  • Erika Pardes Schon 23:16h, 31 October Reply

    Sorry, but the Jewish reindeer all have to work on Christmas Day!

  • Lynne Chernin 23:38h, 31 October Reply

    Why is this reindeer different from all other reindeers?

  • Norman La Cholter 23:44h, 31 October Reply

    Now I’m below the horns of a dilemma.

  • Norman La Cholter 23:45h, 31 October Reply

    Because it gives me that Special Glow.

  • Stephen Nadler 23:51h, 31 October Reply

    “It’s not a miracle. I borrowed one of your elves.”

  • Stephen Nadler 23:52h, 31 October Reply

    “I need to find the Little Match Girl.”

  • Stephen Nadler 23:53h, 31 October Reply

    “Do you need a ride to the Kwanzaa party?”

  • Dale Stout 00:21h, 01 November Reply

    I always wanted to mingle with Kris Kringle.

  • Dale Stout 00:24h, 01 November Reply

    Don’t menschon it.

  • Dale Stout 00:26h, 01 November Reply

    Muzzle tov.

  • Dale Stout 00:28h, 01 November Reply

    I have a muzzle that loves to nuzzle.

  • Dale Stout 00:32h, 01 November Reply

    Does this ring a bell?

    • Marvin Sager 11:03h, 09 November Reply

      Not the Liberty Bell, but it does “crack” me up! :>)

  • Rabbi David Julian 02:36h, 01 November Reply

    Reindeer cartoon:

    I’ll deliver to the Jewish kids, you cover the rest.

  • Jerry Hyman 06:43h, 01 November Reply

    Moonlighting again, Rudolph?

  • Nancy Petschek-Kojn 08:11h, 01 November Reply

    “Sorry, Santa, you’ll have to do without me this year!”

  • Neil Rubin 08:17h, 01 November Reply

    Per our union contract and just a reminder: I put in for 8 days off in late December this year.

  • Robert D. Diamant 11:41h, 01 November Reply

    I converted.

  • Robert D. Diamant 12:13h, 01 November Reply

    Latkes or fruitcake?
    Latkes won…..

  • Robert D. Diamant 12:24h, 01 November Reply

    Sorry Santa; the role of Tevye has already been taken….

  • Marilyn Kagan 12:32h, 01 November Reply

    Only red and green? We need things in blue and white this year.

  • Robert D. Diamant 13:03h, 01 November Reply

    When I learned that Gal Gadot was Jewish, I switched….

  • Rich Wolf 13:07h, 01 November Reply

    “We’ll be good for eight nights.”

  • Rich Wolf 13:08h, 01 November Reply

    “Helping you out is definitely not kosher.”

  • Frank Segall 13:59h, 01 November Reply

    Sorry, boss, gotta go. I smell latkes, I’m scared to fly, and don’t wanna go down in flames!
    OR
    Gotta light?

  • Amanda Arena 15:05h, 01 November Reply

    Rudolph only has to work one night a year and I have to work eight?

  • Amanda Arena 15:10h, 01 November Reply

    Aleph the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names.

  • Robert D. Diamant 15:50h, 01 November Reply

    No Nicky, it is not a passing phase; I’ve read the Talmud and did Birthright Israel.

  • Robert D. Diamant 15:53h, 01 November Reply

    No Nick, you may not get an alleyah at my Bar Mitzvah!

  • Robert D. Diamant 15:57h, 01 November Reply

    Stop questioning my decision to convert; it was Madonna who introduced me to the Kabbalah!

  • Robert Kehlmann 16:04h, 01 November Reply

    “What’s nu?”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 16:17h, 01 November Reply

    Dale, what a string of gems! I feel like the patron (played by Carl Reiner’s late wife, Estelle) in the famous restaurant scene in “When Harry Met Sally” who, after Meg Ryan’s faked orgasm, says, “I’ll have what she’s having.”

    In the same spirit, whatever you’re on that allows you to create such delicious comedy, I want some, too!

  • Robert D. Diamant 18:27h, 01 November Reply

    Nick, why do you keep asking me if venison is kosher?

  • Miriam Klepper 19:54h, 01 November Reply

    The 9 candles of my Hanukiah will surely light the way to help you give joy to kids

  • Gerald Lebowitz 22:23h, 01 November Reply

    “My mother always said that I was the light of her life.”

  • Robert D. Diamant 12:29h, 02 November Reply

    Sorry Nick,
    I’ve lived in Crown Heights, Borough Park, Williamsburg too.
    I’M A JEW!

  • Marvin Sager 13:32h, 02 November Reply

    “”My Christmas song request is, ‘ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS MY TWO BUCK TEETH!”‘

  • Marvin Sager 13:38h, 02 November Reply

    “My favorite liquor is, ‘TWO BUCK CHUCK!”‘

    • Dale Stout 15:46h, 03 November Reply

      I thought with stagflation, it was three buck chuck!

  • Marvin Sager 14:07h, 02 November Reply

    “After the Bris my Mohl said, ‘Congratulations on STAGgering around!”‘

  • Marvin Sager 14:33h, 02 November Reply

    “Instead of delivering packages to others, I prefer to keep them for myself. That’s why I am a STINGY BEAST OF BURDEN!”

  • Seth M. Kibel 15:01h, 02 November Reply

    C’mon — nine candles will give you a heckuva lot more light than one shiny nose.

  • Robert D. Diamant 15:51h, 02 November Reply

    I have tried to be thinner.
    But I love Shabbos dinner.
    And the fish I eat on erev Christmas is
    Gefilte!

  • Robert D. Diamant 15:54h, 02 November Reply

    Sorry Nick, hot cross buns are out!!

  • Stephen Nadler 20:50h, 02 November Reply

    “Rudolph has the flu.”

    • Marvin Sager 14:10h, 08 November Reply

      Does that mean he is FLU-ENT in YIDDISH?

  • Gerald Lebowitz 11:22h, 03 November Reply

    “I was recommended to you for the job of sleigh guide by the Center for Jewish-Christian Understanding.”

  • Dale Stout 15:48h, 03 November Reply

    There won’t be any roast beast this year, just roasted beets.

  • Gerald Lebowitz 17:34h, 03 November Reply

    Dale, c’mon, really? STAG flation? That pun would de-flate anybody.

    (Yet sometimes something is SO bad that it turns out to be SO good. 🙂

  • Hugo Sappington 18:28h, 03 November Reply

    How can we be out of candles? Thats ridiculous!

  • Hugo Sappington 18:33h, 03 November Reply

    There was nothing I could do, Rabbi took me back to his workshop with care

  • Hugo Sappington 18:36h, 03 November Reply

    Who did this to you?! Men or uhh…?

  • Hugo Sappington 18:38h, 03 November Reply

    Sorry Santa, but evolution just happens how it does, there’s nothing I can do.

  • Hugo Sappington 18:39h, 03 November Reply

    Yeah, I can’t fly this time, it’s a leap year.

  • Hugo Sappington 18:41h, 03 November Reply

    Please don’t take it personally

  • Gerald Lebowitz 20:59h, 03 November Reply

    “Who cares which holiday I celebrate as long as I light it up?”

  • Dale Stout 22:27h, 03 November Reply

    Where have you been hiding Cupid and Vixen?

  • Dale Stout 22:27h, 03 November Reply

    You sir, are my prisoner.

  • Dale Stout 22:29h, 03 November Reply

    I’m on the Naughty Liszt?

    • Marvin Sager 09:30h, 06 November Reply

      Dale,
      Is this about you, or is this your entry? :)

  • Dale Stout 22:37h, 03 November Reply

    Happy Holidaze?

  • Marvin Ralph Sager 08:03h, 04 November Reply

    “I have one spot on my menorah for each of your reindeer. And the top spot belongs to Rudolph because he is always ahead of the pack by a NOSE.”

  • Marvin Sager 09:51h, 04 November Reply

    “I’m interested in a menage-a-trois with Donna and BLINTZES.”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 15:28h, 04 November Reply

    “Do you have eight reindeer so that each one corresponds to a different night of Hanukkah?”

  • Marvin Sager 16:13h, 04 November Reply

    “This time of year, I don’t plan to freeze my ASS off, because I’m a different kind of animal!”

  • Marvin Sager 16:26h, 04 November Reply

    “Last year at this time, I was attacked by Mrs. BEAR CLAUS!”

  • Dennis Keesey 18:23h, 04 November Reply

    “I might not be Rudolph but I’m free on Christmas Eve.”

  • Dennis Keesey 18:24h, 04 November Reply

    I might not be Rudolph but I’m free on Christmas Eve.”

  • Sandy Levine 19:00h, 04 November Reply

    “I just found out my mom was Jewish.”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 21:26h, 04 November Reply

    “What I want for Christmas, Santa, is a nice Jewish boy who’s horny in spite of shedding his antlers.”

  • Marvin Sager 11:00h, 05 November Reply

    “Santa, don’t look at me with those HUNGRY EYES!”

  • Marvin Sager 11:36h, 05 November Reply

    “As part of my contract, I’m listed as spaced out BUCK ROGERS on a Jewish mission to mate among GOD’S CHOSEN ANIMALS!”

  • Sarah Oaks 11:56h, 05 November Reply

    I though it might be a good idea to be inclusive when we visit mixed-marriage homes.

  • Robert D. Diamant 15:27h, 05 November Reply

    It goes like this, Nick:
    “Maw oh tzur yi shoe oh tsee….”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 16:47h, 05 November Reply

    Marvin, re your November 2 post, which was listed out of order: none of your entries are ever second rate.

    Robert Diamant, you’re very funny; have you ever tried writing light verse? (See Ogden Nash, for example; you could do that. But unfortunately the market for funny poems is very small. 🙂 )

    • Robert D. Diamant 08:59h, 06 November Reply

      Thank you so much. I try to incorporate humor in anything I write. I have had some articles published in the Staten Island Advance and 4 Haikus were published in The NY Times book on NYC Haikus.

  • Gerry Kesselman 17:23h, 05 November Reply

    Ok, I’ll be on your sled team but you’ll have to feed me with jelly donuts and latkes.”

  • Charlene Wygodski 22:53h, 05 November Reply

    If you thought my nose was bright,
    you should see me now on the 8th night!

  • Marvin Sager 10:17h, 06 November Reply

    ”I’m not looking for a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow, but just some regular “pot” will help me cruise HIGHER and HIGHER on my journey!”

  • Marvin Sager 10:27h, 06 November Reply

    ”I request an oxygen mask when flying over SMOKE CHIMNEYS!”

    • Adrian Storisteanu 15:25h, 07 November Reply

      “And a sweater. Bubbe said chimneys are drafty.”

      • Marvin Sager 06:30h, 09 November Reply

        “Don’t forget the scarf for my neck & booties for my young tender feet!” 🙂

  • Dale Stout 11:03h, 06 November Reply

    Bubby the Elf carved this. What’s your favorite color?

  • Marvin Sager 11:04h, 06 November Reply

    ”I get my JOLLIES from ‘balls of holly.’ (Now at least that phrase rhymes, and I didn’t mention other kinds of JOLLY BALLS!)”

  • Steven Bloom 12:51h, 06 November Reply

    Yes, I converted. How did you know?

  • Marvin Sager 19:11h, 06 November Reply

    ”At the piano bar in my neighborhood, everybody tries to over load me with BUCK SHOTS!”

  • Marvin Sager 19:29h, 06 November Reply

    ”The children today request that I leave under their trees (Hanukkah bush or Christmas tree) only GELT. They must think I am the GOLDEN CALF they read about!”

  • Charlene Wygodski 21:28h, 06 November Reply

    You thought my nose was bright,
    You should see me now on the 8th night!

  • jim gorman 03:15h, 07 November Reply

    “Nar ainer! It looks nothing like it! And now you want to do a circumcision?”

  • Dale Stout 08:22h, 07 November Reply

    Rudolph is grounded, he got Blitzened.

  • Dale Stout 08:24h, 07 November Reply

    Isn’t SANTA the abominable anagram?

  • Dale Stout 08:28h, 07 November Reply

    Tim Allen, is that you?

    • Dale Stout 08:34h, 07 November Reply

      Have a coke and a smile.

      • Marvin Sager 13:52h, 08 November Reply

        Put some rum in that coke, and I will smile too.

  • Dale Stout 08:35h, 07 November Reply

    You just stepped in my figgy pudding.

  • Dale Stout 08:39h, 07 November Reply

    Do you know what I know? What are you, a Weiss guy?

  • Dale Stout 08:50h, 07 November Reply

    I’m game, Warden, if you’re game, Warden.

  • Dale Stout 08:52h, 07 November Reply

    My icicles are straight out of Frozen.

  • Dale Stout 09:00h, 07 November Reply

    You were expecting a Frosty reception?

  • Marvin Sager 13:25h, 07 November Reply

    ”SANTA’S ELVES were “shelved” last year, since they had a SHORT toy production!”

  • Marvin Sager 13:37h, 07 November Reply

    ”Santa now pays a universal charge for each toy delivered which really TAXES his mind!”

  • Marvin Sager 13:45h, 07 November Reply

    ”Santa was denied permission to visit the White House, because his TOYS were MADE IN CHINA this year!”

  • Marvin Sager 13:50h, 07 November Reply

    ”Santa now delivers toys to the LGBTQ community, because he now follows the RAINBOW destination!”

  • Marvin Sager 14:04h, 07 November Reply

    ”According to “fake news,” Santa was considered a COMMUNIST “RED” SPY, because he sometimes flies into restricted air space in the U.S.!”

  • Marvin Sager 14:23h, 07 November Reply

    ”Because of my Menorah children always ask me, ‘Can you dance the JEWISH HORA?”‘

  • Robert Freedman 15:20h, 07 November Reply

    Gevalt! You already forgot the waxless candles? Just think, you wanna be Santa or Shanda?

  • Robert Freedman 15:28h, 07 November Reply

    And this year, don’t forget the dripless candles!

  • Gerald Lebowitz 16:06h, 07 November Reply

    Thanks, Robert Diamant, for your comment.

    It was certainly an honor for you to be chosen for inclusion in “New York City Haiku.” (I tried in vain to access your writing in the Staten Island Advance.)

    A whole book can be condensed in a good haiku, ideally seventeen syllables. Here’s one of your published poems , for example:

    :There’s not much twerking
    Going on at six a.m.
    On the ferry boat.”

    Beautiful. Commentary could run over hundreds of pages.

    My favorite haiku probably is one by, I think, Arakida Moritake;

    “A fallen leaf
    Returning to the branch?
    Butterfly.”

    Anyway, a very warm welcome. Thanks again for adding golden spice to our stew.

  • Gerald Lebowitz 18:51h, 07 November Reply

    “Can I light up your journey on Christmas Eve? Please, Santa, don’t be a nay-sleigher.”

  • Robert D. Diamant 18:59h, 07 November Reply

    You are very welcome. I am really not new to the group. I submitted some over the past 3-4 years and came in first some years ago. I really enjoy reading everyone’s submissions.

  • Gerald Lebowitz 21:36h, 07 November Reply

    “You’ve got to let me know. I was offered a lucrative gig posing in the OU lobby for Hanukkah. Can you beat their price?”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 22:00h, 07 November Reply

    “Hanukkah is the only time of the year when I can make any real money. Yet a lot of people accuse me of having a gelt complex.”

  • Stephen Nadler 22:51h, 07 November Reply

    “Those reindeer games we wouldn’t let Rudolph play? Dreidl.”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 10:53h, 08 November Reply

    “Rudolph has only one light, I have nine. There;s no contest.”

  • Marvin Sager 11:29h, 08 November Reply

    “Many times I suffered from HOOF and MOUTH DISEASE!”

  • Marvin Sager 11:40h, 08 November Reply

    “Once I crossed paths with Richard Spencer, and he gave me the Nazi salute. In return, I WikiLeak-ed all over his despicable body!”

  • Wendy Foxmyn 11:43h, 08 November Reply

    My mother was Jewish

  • Marvin Sager 12:13h, 08 November Reply

    “Because my Bubbe thought I Wouldn’t amount to much, I always gave her BUPKIS for the holidays to prove her point!”

  • Marvin Sager 14:51h, 08 November Reply

    “Just think of me as being a real MENSCH, AHEAD above all others!”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 15:46h, 08 November Reply

    I’d rather ride with you this year–it’ll beat posing as U.J.A.’s Hanukkah symbol.

  • Thomas A. Koloski 18:05h, 08 November Reply

    “Tell me it’s not on a Saturday.”

  • Marvin Sager 18:30h, 08 November Reply

    “Santa, you shouldn’t let Rudolph drink alcoholic beverages, because his nose is RED enough!”

  • Marvin Sager 06:48h, 09 November Reply

    “Santa, I want you to know that I produced many offspring over the years. I have a condition now called BRAG-ga-DOE-cio!”

  • Robert D. Diamant 11:18h, 09 November Reply

    Nicky, if you’re auditioning for the North Pole Follies production of Fiddler, that getup will not get you the gig in the ghetto.

  • Robert D. Diamant 11:24h, 09 November Reply

    Why is it so important to you if I like sour cream or apple sauce on my latkes?

  • Robert D. Diamant 11:29h, 09 November Reply

    Ashkenazi, Sephardic, Orthodox, Humanist, Reconstructionist, Hasidic? I’m from north of the Arctic Circle; you figure it out!!

  • Robert D. Diamant 11:31h, 09 November Reply

    Do you think the anti-semites really care how man horns I have?

    • Marvin Sager 09:11h, 12 November Reply

      Well, the anti-Semites have 2 horns (for the DEVIL incarnate)! 🙂

  • Robert D. Diamant 11:32h, 09 November Reply

    Tha above should be “many.”

  • Robert D. Diamant 11:37h, 09 November Reply

    Nick, please stop horning in on the conversations I am having with Rudy; he is not converting yet).

  • Robert D. Diamant 11:38h, 09 November Reply

    Trump will blame me for YOUR decision to skip the White House this year.

  • Robert D. Diamant 11:59h, 09 November Reply

    It was the last straw when you threatened to replace us with drones!

  • Robert D. Diamant 12:06h, 09 November Reply

    Look, I am not getting into a Talmudic dispute with you about my inability to lay teffillin!

  • Robert D. Diamant 12:51h, 09 November Reply

    It is truly stereotypical that on December 25, I get an urge for Chinese food….

  • Robert D. Diamant 12:59h, 09 November Reply

    No, Nick; calling it a Chanukah bush does not change anything…..

  • Robert D. Diamant 13:03h, 09 November Reply

    Hey, I happen to have loved Adam Sandler’s Chanukah song before I converted…

  • Robert D. Diamant 13:05h, 09 November Reply

    And by the way, “White Christmas” and “Easter Parade” were written by a member of my tribe, Irving Berlin.

  • Robert D. Diamant 13:19h, 09 November Reply

    My parents originally had it done to me for health purposes so I fortunately did not have to get the procedure done when I converted.

  • Robert D. Diamant 15:45h, 09 November Reply

    Yes, I know you’ve got Cole Porter, Noel Coward and Duke Ellington, but we’ve got Kern, Hammerstein, , Rodgers, Hart, Berlin, the Gershwins, Lerner, Loewe, Weill, Brecht, Loesser, Styne, Kander, Ebb, Bernstein, SONDHEIM. I could go on but you get the picture…..

  • Marvin Sager 19:13h, 09 November Reply

    “Santa, on my air routes, I need to stop often at StarBUCKS for that extra KICK of energy!”

  • Marvin Sager 19:24h, 09 November Reply

    “If you run out of my regular food, then I’ll take some BUCKwheat pancakes!”

  • Marvin Sager 19:58h, 09 November Reply

    “Where I was born, there were two basic animals which were the deer and swine. The community was called BUCKingHAM County!”

  • JR 20:22h, 09 November Reply

    “I have to moonlight.”

  • JR 20:22h, 09 November Reply

    “I can multi-task.”

  • Dale Stout 22:25h, 09 November Reply

    Can you flick your Bic?

  • Dale Stout 22:29h, 09 November Reply

    Did you know that Noel spelled backwards is Leon?

  • Dale Stout 22:30h, 09 November Reply

    Don’t eat yellow latkes.

  • Dale Stout 22:31h, 09 November Reply

    You look like you’ve had too much eggnog.

  • Dale Stout 23:06h, 09 November Reply

    Have your people call my people.

  • Dale Stout 23:09h, 09 November Reply

    It so happens that I am available this year.

  • Marvin Sager 07:35h, 10 November Reply

    “Because I studied the Talmud, I was once offered a professorship teaching religious studies at BUCKnell University!”

  • Marvin Sager 07:47h, 10 November Reply

    “I’m listed in Ripley’s Believe It or Not because I once “hooked up” with a wild horse. The results produced a BUCKing bronco!” (YIPPEE KI YAY!)

  • Marvin Sager 08:03h, 10 November Reply

    “I love college sports at the University of Texas – go LONGHORNS! When the crowd hollers, ‘HOOK EM HORNS,’ I always get TANGLED UP with the MASCOT!”

  • Stephen Nadler 08:40h, 10 November Reply

    “Check it twice. It’s a hanukkiah.”

  • Stephen Nadler 09:06h, 10 November Reply

    “There’s something Mrs. Claus wants you to know.”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 17:15h, 10 November Reply

    “Surely you must have seen me on “Antiques Roadshow.”

  • Robert D. Diamant 19:11h, 10 November Reply

    I am taking a vacation next week in DEERfield Beach; it’s easy to find a minyan there….

  • Robert D. Diamant 19:14h, 10 November Reply

    Hey Nick, did you catch Bet Midler in “Hello Dolly,” earlier this year. Her rendition of “So Long DEERie” was awesome!

  • Marvin Sager 20:07h, 10 November Reply

    “When I tried out for the Milwaukee BUCKS team, the coach asked me, ‘Where’s the BEEF?”‘

  • Gerald Lebowitz 20:09h, 10 November Reply

    Remember “Trees,” by Joyce Kilmer (1886-1918)?

    I think that I shall never see
    A poem lovely as a tree.

    A tree whose hungry mouth is prest
    Against the sweet earth’s flowing breast;

    A tree that looks at God all day,
    And lifts her leafy arms to pray;

    A tree that may in summer wear
    A nest of robins in her hair;

    Upon whose bosom snow has lain;
    Who intimately lives with rain.

    Poems are made by fools like me,
    But only God can make a tree.
    ********************************************
    Well, here’s “Trees: Part II.” written by current funnyman Mo Rocca:

    Joyce Kilmer’s famous poem “Trees”
    Always leaves me ill at ease.

    You know the verse I’m speaking of,
    The one where Joyce professes love

    For every tree that’s ever been,
    Deciduous or evergreen.

    The couplets jangle every time
    With singsong meter, obvious rhyme.

    The sentiment, it seems, well … false,
    A bit too thick with grandma’s schmaltz.

    So as you’ll gather, I’m no fan.
    And by the way–he was a man.
    ******************************************
    Ordinarily, this would end here, but my exchange with Robert Diamant reminded me of Ogden Nash, who wrote this topper:

    I think that I shall never see
    A billboard lovely as a tree.

    Perhaps, unless the billboards fall,
    I’ll never see a tree at all.

    🙂 🙂 🙂

  • Robert D. Diamant 20:24h, 10 November Reply

    Mr. Lebowitz, my favorite Nash lines:
    “The Bronx?
    No thonx”

  • Robert D. Diamant 20:27h, 10 November Reply

    Nick, sorry, I thought you said “horns of plenty,” not “plenty of horns.” I’m dyslectic!

  • Marvin Sager 21:10h, 10 November Reply

    Wayne LaPierre asked me, “Do you have a problem delivering TOY GUNS to NRA members?”

    “Well,” I said, “I may get ‘SHOT DOWN’ if I COMPLAIN!”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 21:26h, 10 November Reply

    Robert D.:

    Winter Morning Poem

    Winter is the king of showmen
    Turning tree stumps into snowmen
    And houses into birthday cakes
    And spreading sugar over lakes.

    Smooth and clean and frosty white
    The world looks good enough to bite.
    That’s the reason to be young
    Catching snowflakes on your tongue.

    Snow is snowy when it’s snowing
    I’m sorry it’s slushy when it’s going.

    —-Ogden Nash

  • Marvin Sager 07:03h, 11 November Reply

    “That’s O.K. if you don’t like my jokes because I have a TOUGH BUCKSKIN HIDE!”

  • Marvin Sager 07:15h, 11 November Reply

    “Santa, no wonder you never invite me into your home. You have a sign on your front door that says, ‘THE BUCK STOPS HERE!”‘

  • Robert D. Diamant 07:44h, 11 November Reply

    Yes Nick, I know Bing Crosby never recorded “White Chanukah.”

  • Robert D. Diamant 07:48h, 11 November Reply

    The transition occurred overnight.
    I went to bed thinking of boughs of holly and woke up thinking of slices of cholly.

  • Robert D. Diamant 08:00h, 11 November Reply

    Well, we both agree that “The Book of Mormons” was hysterically funny..

  • Robert D. Diamant 08:12h, 11 November Reply

    Nick, you are confusing them. Shlmeil” is the one who spills the soup; “shlmazel” is the one who gets the soup spilled on him.”

  • Robert D. Diamant 08:18h, 11 November Reply

    “The Nun’s Story” used to be my favorite film; now it’s “Yentl.”

  • Robert D. Diamant 09:15h, 11 November Reply

    Nick, just because you eat bagels and lox after church on Sundays does not make you eligible to be counted as part of a minyan!

  • Robert D. Diamant 09:35h, 11 November Reply

    Nick, did you coin the phrase “flyover states?” This December 25, please fly over Pennsylvania, Michigan, Indiana, Michigan and Wisconsin….

  • Robert D. Diamant 09:39h, 11 November Reply

    I thought I told you that Jews do not need oil changes during Chanukah…

  • Robert D. Diamant 10:58h, 11 November Reply

    Nick, I’m sure you can understand why I vociferously protested “The Deer Hunter” winning an Academy Award for best picture…

  • Robert D. Diamant 11:21h, 11 November Reply

    You know I was never able to rise above buck private when I flew for the Air Force….

  • Robert D. Diamant 11:26h, 11 November Reply

    I had to join a reform synagogue because I cannot secure a yarmulke to my head.

  • Robert D. Diamant 11:33h, 11 November Reply

    Nick, the title is not “Deer Evan Hanson…”

  • Robert D. Diamant 11:38h, 11 November Reply

    I’m the one who lobbied to change “ARMistice Day” to Veterans Day.”

  • Robert D. Diamant 12:10h, 11 November Reply

    Deer Diary….

    Waddaya mean there’s a spelling error? It is MY diary….

  • Robert D. Diamant 12:13h, 11 November Reply

    My great grandfather’s favorite serial on 1950s TV was “Buck Rogers.”

  • Robert D. Diamant 13:36h, 11 November Reply

    Nick, Robert D. Diamant submitted forty-five captions! Someone should tell him to get a life….

  • Robert D. Diamant 15:51h, 11 November Reply

    I DO NOHAVE A BUCKet LIST!!!!

  • Gerald Lebowitz 18:25h, 11 November Reply

    On November 22, 1963, JFK was assassinated. His death wasn’t the only death on that day. Aldous Huxley also died on that November 22nd. But there was one more death on that day. It was the death of Vaughn Meader’s career.

    Vasughn Meader was the best John F. Kennedy impersonator ever. He looked like JFK and sounded exactly like him. He was very funny and made a lot of money from his performances and albums. Here are three of his bits. In the first one he is distributing Caroline’s and John John’s toys to them:

    “Nine of the PT boats, two of the Yogi Bear beach balls, and the ball of Silly Putty belong to Caroline. Nine of the PT boats, one of the Yogi Bear beach balls, and the two Howdy Doody plastic bouncing clowns are baby John’s. The rubber swan is mine.”

    In another bit, he was asked the chances of a Jewish president: “Well, I think they’re pretty good. Let me say, I don’t see why a person of the Jewish faith can’t be president of the United States. Of course I know as a Catholic I could never vote for him, but other than that …”

    Or, in a mock interview, a reporter asks: “Sir, when are we going to send a man to the moon?” And Meader/JFK answers: “Whenever Mr. Goldwater wants to go.”

    After that fateful day in 1963, the anniversary of which is rapidly approaching, Vaughn Meader’s career went down the drain. He had been a one-trick pony or, if you’ll pardon my irresistible pun (sorry, Dale) using the lyric from a Rodgers and Hart song, a Johnny one-note, whose talent was useless after the real John was gunned down.

    The night after the assassination, Lenny Bruce got onstage in New York City, grabbed the microphone, and offered the very last word: “Boy, did Vaughn Meader get fucked.”

  • Marvin Sager 18:59h, 11 November Reply

    “My religious teaching allows me to get on bended knee and SPRAY!”

  • Marvin Sager 19:18h, 11 November Reply

    “Pearl S. Buck wrote THE GOOD EARTH, and like the GOOD BUCK that I am, I help fertilize it!”

  • Robert D. Diamant 19:25h, 11 November Reply

    Gerald, a day none of us will ever forget! I loved Meader’s take on JFK; I believe he was on Ed Sullivan a lot. I’m having a lot of fun participating in this contest.

  • Grald Lebowitz 19:50h, 11 November Reply

    Robert D., and everybody else here is having a lot of fun thanks to YOUR wonderful contributions. Thanks again for all you do.

  • R Getz 19:52h, 11 November Reply

    Its good thing Christmas Eve lines up with Chanukkah this year, Rudolph.

    • R Getz 19:53h, 11 November Reply

      I meant–It’s a good thing…

  • Gerald Lebowitz 20:54h, 11 November Reply

    Robert D., and YOUR wonderful contributions add immeasurably to everyone else’s fun.
    Thanks for everything.

  • Michael robinaugh 21:15h, 11 November Reply

    Rudolph’s sick? Sure , I’ll guide your sleigh tonight.

  • Marvin Sager 21:47h, 11 November Reply

    “Santa, do I need to ‘Whistle While I Work,’ or can I just pretend to chew my cud?”

  • Robert D. Diamant 07:05h, 12 November Reply

    Nick, are you delivering toys to Virginia first because Virginia said that there is a Santa Claus?

  • Marvin Sager 07:55h, 12 November Reply

    Time for Santa’s VIAGRA
    +++
    Santa has a FIRM OUTlook on life (when on VIAGRA)!
    +++
    Sometimes the VIAGRA gets stuck in his gums. Then he has what the Brittish calls a STIFF upper lip!
    ***
    Sometimes the VIAGRA gets stuck in his throat. Therefore you might say that he doesn’t need a neck brace!
    ***
    Santa (when on VIAGRA) likes many HO-HO-HOS in his life, but don’t tell Mrs. Claus!
    +++
    In conclusion, we should all recognize Gerald Lebowitz for his HARD work (and he won’t admit to using VIAGRA as if he needs it). Now and again, he enjoys a STIFF drink (VIAGRA added?). I admire his ability to stay on top (VIAGRA again?) of POTENT subjects (if you understand my meaning). You are the BEST (man) Gerald (VIAGRA?)! THANKS! 🙂

  • Dale Stout 08:44h, 12 November Reply

    You blew out my candles because of someone’s birthday?

  • Robert D. Diamant 10:59h, 12 November Reply

    Gerald, I am raising a glass in recognition of your Herculean efforts. Before my transition, I would have filled it with Chianti; now I chug down Manischevitz Concord grape…

  • Marvin Sager 07:33h, 13 November Reply

    “Recently it was so cold at the North Pole, that I was chased by a ‘Woolly’ polar bear. When he caught up with me, he gave me a terrible FROSTBITE!”

  • Marvin Sager 07:53h, 13 November Reply

    “Santa, on top of your house you are growing a beautiful Christmas tree. This may qualify you for a GREENHOUSE (LEED) certification!”

  • Dale Stout 09:49h, 13 November Reply

    Did you sign the Non-Compete Claus?

  • R Getz 13:19h, 13 November Reply

    It’s a good thing Christmas Eve lines up with the 8th night of Chanukah this year, Rudolph.

  • Gerald Lebowitz 20:16h, 13 November Reply

    “You’ve heard about such things as Jewish noses? Well, these are Jewish antlers.”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 20:19h, 13 November Reply

    “I’m here to offer my services to accommodate your Jewish clientele.”

  • Marvin Sager 08:02h, 14 November Reply

    From: Santa to Rudolph
    +++
    “On route 66 you can get your KICKS!”
    +++
    “Since your nose is already enhanced, you don’t need any of my VIAGRA!”
    +++
    “Please use an anti-deodorant spray to overRIDE that bad MUSKY smell!”

  • Larry Lesser 08:51h, 14 November Reply

    I’m a kosher animal — please don’t sleigh me!

  • Larry Lesser 08:52h, 14 November Reply

    a Claus(e) in my contract says I’m off when Christmas overlaps with Hanukkah!

  • Larry Lesser 08:53h, 14 November Reply

    It be-hooves me to celebrate Hanukkah!

  • Larry Lesser 08:54h, 14 November Reply

    You don’t know pelt from gelt!

  • Eileen Deitcher, Shoreview MN 11:02h, 14 November Reply

    Sorry, no can do. I have a prior commitment on the 25th, this year. I can check my lunar calendar for next year, though, if you like.

    • Suanne B Scherr 17:23h, 18 November Reply

      How much more proof do you need that reindeer ARE kosher?

  • Gerald Lebowitz 16:51h, 14 November Reply

    Larry Lesser, “it be-hooves me”?

    Executing that pun was certainly no mean feat!

  • Adrian Storisteanu 18:49h, 14 November Reply

    “And speaking of Ho Ho Ho, you should meet my cousin Frecha!”

  • Larry Lesser 18:59h, 14 November Reply

    [sings] “Bubbe got run over by a reindeer….”

  • Larry Lesser 19:00h, 14 November Reply

    Silent Night? In a Jewish household?!?

  • Adrian Storisteanu 19:49h, 14 November Reply

    “O Tannenbaum, that’s my uncle Osip.”

    • Adrian Storisteanu 22:56h, 14 November Reply

      Maybe a better punctuation would be:

      “O Tannenbaum?! That’s my uncle Osip!”

  • JR 20:34h, 14 November Reply

    “I swallowed a Menorah.”

  • Marvin Sager 21:42h, 14 November Reply

    “Flying the friendly skies you may need the approval of the TSA (Technical Sleigh Assessors)!”

  • Larry Lesser 23:37h, 14 November Reply

    I’m a buck; for sufganiyot, you need doe.

  • Jonathan Mayer 23:55h, 14 November Reply

    A pointed question: “are you a Rebbe without a Claus?”

  • Jonathan Mayer 08:11h, 15 November Reply

    Let me ask a pointed question, are you a Rebbe without a Claus?

  • Dale Stout 08:55h, 15 November Reply

    Hey Yukon Cornelius, how about a chorus of ‘Silver and Gelt, Silver and Gelt…’

  • Dale Stout 08:56h, 15 November Reply

    I’m from the lost tribe of Benjamin Schwartz.

  • Dale Stout 08:57h, 15 November Reply

    Hi, my name is Rudy…Rudy Jewliani.

  • Marvin Sager 12:13h, 15 November Reply

    FOREIGN TRAVEL IDEAS
    +++
    “When we fly over China do I need to eat RICE Krispies?”
    +++
    “Do I need to tighten my Borscht seat belt over Russia?”
    +++
    “Do I need to declare that I am not a TURKEY over TURKEY?”
    +++
    There are more obvious questions to be answered, but who cares unless you are a SPACE ALIEN.

  • Gerald Lebowitz 22:58h, 16 November Reply

    “I’m also available for Black Friday.”

  • Sylvia Williams 23:53h, 16 November Reply

    I’m Rudy. I’ll light up your life.

  • Gerald Lebowitz 08:49h, 17 November Reply

    “I don’t see any problem. After all, Jesus was Jewish, too.”

  • JR 09:49h, 17 November Reply

    “I collided with a Chabad Mobile Menorah.”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 10:08h, 17 November Reply

    “Why do you look puzzled by my menorah? After all, isn’t the whole purpose of the Christmas holiday to celebrate the birth of a Jewish boy?”

  • JR 12:11h, 17 November Reply

    “I’m holding a preseason sale of shofars.”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 13:02h, 17 November Reply

    “My husband was supposed to join me today to visit you, Santa, but at the last moment he said, “I’m not coming. I think it’s going to rain, dear.” My husband is a very smart man. He’s known a lot of important people, including several presidents. As a matter of fact, former president Harry S. Truman once had a special sign on his desk made just for him. The sign read “the buck stops here.”

    (At this point, there should be very audible groans from the reader, especially from Marvin.)

    • Marvin Sager 16:05h, 17 November Reply

      Gerald,

      I’m groaning and moaning!

  • Faye 15:47h, 17 November Reply

    Its called Jew by choice!

  • Marvin Sager 17:32h, 17 November Reply

    Santa’s Medical Record
    +++
    After visiting the Medical Clinic, Santa was notified that he needed to update his medical portfolio. He needed the following shots: (1) pneumonia (2) influenza (3) tetanus (4) cholera (5) polio (6) typhus (7) yellow fever (8) rabies) (9) malaria (10) MMR and (11) typhoid fever.
    ***
    After receiving all his required shots in his butt areas, Santa immediately called home and told his wife, “I’m now Farklemt from a HARD ASS DAY!”

  • Johanan Levine 04:39h, 18 November Reply

    I’m Reuven the menorahed reindeer,
    My antlers are a chosen rack!
    Reb Santa, I’m here to ask you
    Do I add candles facing front or back?

  • Marvin Sager 13:03h, 18 November Reply

    Santa sitting on a chair in a Mall asked me,
    Are you a good boy? Let me see.
    He looked down and saw his knee.
    What happened? Did you pee?
    +++
    Are you expecting me (Marvin) to be a poet? If not, then please ask Johanan Levine for more exceptional poetry contributions! (Please see J.L. above.)

  • Gerald Lebowitz 21:41h, 18 November Reply

    JR, congratulations on winning Cartoon Caption Contest #48. Your caption was superb, as is your very clever ” I have to moonlight” here. Keep ’em coming!

  • Marvin Sager 11:48h, 19 November Reply

    Santa’s Theme Song
    +++
    “TAKE ME HOME, COUNTRY ROADS.”
    +++
    You would also want to sing this song to successfully navigate back home after carrying
    a heavy (DRECK/SH*T) load of presents!

  • Gerald Lebowitz 16:02h, 19 November Reply

    Good advice(?) from Mike Nichols’ speech at the 2005 Tony Awards:

    ‘My love to those who have not won tonight. I just want to remind you of my motto: ‘Cheer up, life isn’t everything.’ “

  • Gerald Lebowitz 18:23h, 19 November Reply

    There was a feature in today’s New York Times about llamas taking over as service animals to help the elderly and infirm: “The 300-pound llamas strolled quietly through the corridors of the nursing home, lowering their heads to be petted by residents in wheelchairs and pausing patiently as staffers took selfies.”

    One of Ogden Nash’s most famous pieces of light verse was entitled “The Lama”:

    The one-l lama,
    He’s a priest.
    The two-l llama,
    He’s a beast.
    And I will bet
    A silk pajama
    There isn’t any
    Three-l lllama.*

    Well, this verse created an uproar, with fire departments across the country protesting, and so Nash created a special footnote reading, “The author’s attention has been called to a type of conflagration known as a three-alarmer.”

    No good deed does go unPUNished, does it, Robert D.?

  • Gerald Lebowitz 20:33h, 19 November Reply

    Johanan L., a VERY funny verse; however, I’d change the first line slightly to read, “I’m Rebecca, the menorahed reindeer,” because the reindeer in our cartoon has to be female since male reindeer all shed their antlers for winter.

    Unless, of course, your reindeer is, to use the new gender term, “nonbinary.” 🙂

  • Dale Stout 08:49h, 20 November Reply

    In my country, this gives me nine times the horny power. (I blame this on Borat)

  • Dale Stout 08:51h, 20 November Reply

    There’s no way I’d go up a chimney. (I blame this on Mel Brooks)

  • Dale Stout 08:52h, 20 November Reply

    I’m incensed you’d think this is for incense. (Not funny enough to blame Alan Alda)

  • Dale Stout 08:53h, 20 November Reply

    You look like you could use some Moose Milk. (recipe available online) (I blame this on Foster Brooks)

  • Robert D. Diamant 09:24h, 20 November Reply

    Gerald, and no bad deed ( like ignoring Congressional subpoenas) seems to go punished!

  • jim gorman 10:12h, 20 November Reply

    “I thought maybe we could do a Saint Lucia homage this year, at least over Scandinavia?”

  • Marvin Sager 10:32h, 20 November Reply

    A MEMO FROM SANTA
    +++
    I told my wife that I had a memory like an elephant, so as not to forget to bring presents to all deserving children. Now she refers to me as DUMBo!

  • Marvin Sager 10:24h, 21 November Reply

    Santa’s Medical Update
    +++
    Mrs. Claus decided to learn new cooking recipes. She determined that by adding powdered VIAGRA, it would be just the “spice” needed for an improved life. In his supper meal, Mrs. Claus generously added VIAGRA to surprise Santa. That night Santa was surprised to be rushed to the Intensive Care Unit of the nearby hospital. He was diagnosed with a medical condition called HARDENING OF THE ARTERIES. Mrs. Claus insisted that she stay with Santa to provide HANDS-ON RELIEF and attention to his SWOLLEN condition. The hospital provided a small tent over his private parts for local DECOMPRESSION purposes. This new advancement in medical treatment also allows for Santa to donate to the SPERM BANK. Just think of it, in the near future the world could have many Santas. All in all, his condition should improve in a matter of two or three days according to his doctors, and he will be sent home. Of course, Mrs. Claus was instucted not to use VIAGRA for cooking in the future. The moral of these events is best stated by what Dale Stout would utter, “To be Santa, sometimes it’s HARD!”

  • Michael Alperin 13:09h, 21 November Reply

    “Rudolph can’t make it. I’m his replacement.”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 13:19h, 21 November Reply

    “I’m easy to maintain. I only need an oil change every five thousand miles.”

  • Robert D. Diamant 15:24h, 21 November Reply

    Adrian, I have met her; I urged her not to quit her night job.

    • Adrian Storisteanu 23:03h, 21 November Reply

      : – )

  • Gerald Lebowitz 17:00h, 21 November Reply

    “Rudolph couldn’t make it. He’s defending President Trump in the impeachment proceedings.”

  • Joel Samberg 17:34h, 21 November Reply

    Don’t worry. So am I.

  • Gerald Lebowitz 18:22h, 21 November Reply

    If there was a person who helped form the approach of Fred Rogers (the beloved friend of all children, who died in 2003), it was Dr. Margaret McFarland, his supervisor in a course in pastoral counseling early in his career. Dr. McFarland was on the faculty of the University of Pittsburgh School of Medicine.

    The lesson that she taught that impressed Mr. Rogers the most concerned teaching. Once she invited a sculptor to teach a preschool class which he observed. She told the sculptor the most amazing thing. “I don’t want you teaching sculpting,” she said. “I want you simply to sit with the children and do what you’d like to do with the clay.” Whenever the sculptor visited, she’d ask him to “just love the clay in front of the children.” Fred saw even the most resistant children slowly transform, using the clay in wonderful ways.

    In all of his TV programs, Fred remembered. He provided children with painters and musicians and innumerable craftsmen who milked cows and even made pretzels but who didn’t provide step-by-step instructions to the children. They just shared their infectious love.

    “Attitudes aren’t taught,” Margaret McFarland once said.. “”They’re caught.”

    Oh, how I wish I had had more teachers like that. But we were all fortunate in having someone like Fred Rogers to watch in our lifetimes.

  • Gerald Lebowitz 18:31h, 21 November Reply

    P.S. It occurs to me that in helping the children love the clay, Mr. Rogers was loving the children themselves, helping them catch the attitude that they themselves were lovable and capable of loving.

    What better lesson could any teacher or parent teach?

  • Gene E Robinson 23:37h, 21 November Reply

    Actually, my father’s name is not Rudolf, it’s Reuven!

  • Marvin Sager 09:27h, 22 November Reply

    Santa’s Day In Court
    +++
    Unfortunately, Santa was arrested by the Air Traffic Control Police for flying a vehicle without a proper license. He was summoned into court to face the renowned Judge Judy Sheindlin. In court, Judge Judy asked Santa, “How do you plead?” Santa replied, “I plead not guilty, because I operate a non-profit operation.” Judge Judy scolded him and said, “You still need a license!” “But,” Santa insisted, “I’m a jolly old man bringing joy to the world.” Judge Judy replied, “Don’t piss on my leg and tell me it’s raining!” Santa, blushing with remorse, said, “I guess I am guilty since I fly with strange beasts, and roam around at night looking to enter homes without permission!” Judge Judy then sentenced Santa to 5,000 hours of community service and to acquire a license. Santa wiped his brow and said, “At least I won’t miss my midnight run, and perhaps I can apply those 5,000 miles when flying over time on my run!”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 10:59h, 22 November Reply

    “I’m looking for my bashert. Would there be anyone available among your eight helpers?”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 19:41h, 22 November Reply

    From the news: “The UK has appointed its first-ever minister to combat loneliness, a problem the government says affects more than 9 million people in the country who always or often feel lonely.”

    In other words, the United Kingdom has a fully functioning Minister of Loneliness.

    I hope that a lot of people consult him. Otherwise he could be very lonely sitting in his office by himself.

    What do we need in this country under President Trump?

    How about a Minister of Truthfulness?

  • Marvin Sager 09:11h, 23 November Reply

    Santa’s Blessing For The Holidays
    +++
    As we approach the Holiday Season, Santa decided to make a blessing to celebrate this special time of the year. Santa begins, “Bless all RIGHTeous people and let us not forget the LEFTy population. May there be NO OBSTRUCTION or NO COLLUSION in this important matter. We should raise a TOAST with LOX of cheer!”

  • P C 16:49h, 23 November Reply

    Pop, Schwartz gave me a trim.

  • Gerald Lebowitz 20:41h, 23 November Reply

    From livescience.com

    “Are Santa’s reindeer males?

    Impossible, scientists say.

    Here’s why: Here on the ground, male reindeer shed their antlers at the end of the mating season in early December, while females sport their thinner antlers throughout the winter.

    Sounds like Rudolph and the gang were all gals.

    ‘It appears that way,’ said physiologist Perry Barboza of the Institute of Arctic Biology, University of Alaska at Fairbanks, who studies reindeer and their closest cousins, caribou. Scientists consider reindeer and caribou the same species….”

    Johanan, it looks like I goofed, too. Sorry.

    But you have great skill at writing light verse. You’ve mastered the rhyme and the meter and certainly the wit.

  • Neal Weinstein 22:52h, 23 November Reply

    No problem … Christmas isn’t a religious holiday anyway!

  • Neal Weinstein 22:54h, 23 November Reply

    If I got some gelt for every nine-pointer who shows up here, I’d be a rich man!

  • Robert D. Diamant 09:07h, 24 November Reply

    The chutzpah of “Dunkin’ DOEnuts” to change its name to “Dunkin’! “StarBUCKS” is my cafe venue from now on!

  • Gerald Lebowitz 09:32h, 24 November Reply

    Trudy the Red-Nosed Reindeer
    (New version, based on newly discovered information)

    Trudy, the red-nosed reindeer,
    had a very shiny nose.
    And if you ever saw her,
    you would even say it glows.

    All of the other reindeer
    used to laugh and call her names.
    They never let poor Trudy
    play in any reindeer games.

    Then one foggy Christmas eve
    Santa came to say:
    “Trudy, with your nose so bright,
    won’t you guide my sleigh tonight?”

    Then all the reindeer loved her
    as they shouted out with glee:
    “Trudy, the red-nosed reindeer,
    you’ll go down in history!”

    ######################

    There, that wasn’t so bad, was it?

  • Dale Stout 19:20h, 24 November Reply

    I’m not your Rudolph, I’m Maya Rudolph.

    • Dale Stout 19:37h, 24 November Reply

      Santa: I do AdMaya you.

  • Dale Stout 19:22h, 24 November Reply

    Go ahead, you can hang a few ornaments.

  • Dale Stout 19:23h, 24 November Reply

    I can also scrape your windshield.

  • Dale Stout 19:31h, 24 November Reply

    I’ve got chutzpah and a pair of J-I-N-G-L-E bells.

    • Robert D. Diamant 09:58h, 29 November Reply

      I checked; Dolly Parton did NOT write Jingle Bells.

  • Jim Wright 19:42h, 24 November Reply

    I thought I could light up the sky tonight, since Rudolph’s away.

  • Dale Stout 19:43h, 24 November Reply

    I’ve seen fire and I’ve seen rein….deer.

  • Anne 11:15h, 25 November Reply

    Let’s fire them up and the way we go!

  • Marvin Sager 12:47h, 25 November Reply

    Santa gives THANKS for his sleigh this time of year
    +++
    (1) Santa doesn’t worry about flat tires or running out of gas.
    +++
    (2) Santa really doesn’t need theft insurance on his vehicle. (Who would want to steal a big old sleigh that only works with reindeer?)
    +++
    (3) Since Santa drives his sled at night, he doesn’t have to worry about parking meter fines.
    +++
    I don’t know about you, but Santa’s antics sure SLEIGH me!

  • Gerald Lebowitz 18:31h, 25 November Reply

    “I’ve had it with Jewish men! I want to join your sisterhood and help deliver presents on Christmas Eve.”

  • Marvin Sager 14:31h, 26 November Reply

    It beHOOVES me to mention what Santa said to his Menorah Antler Reindeer. “Keep your HAPPY FACE expression lit up, so all the Jewish kids can see the real meaning of Hanukkah. (Oy Vey, another ugly sweater)!”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 22:43h, 26 November Reply

    By Ram Dass:

    “Tim (Leary) was a romantic Irish bard. He and I didn’t agree on the nature of soul and consciousness. Tim was a philosophical materialist. He didn’t have a sense of the continuity of awareness beyond the brain and would never concur that we have souls. ‘I don’t have that,’ he would say simply. Nor did he believe that there was an afterlife. But he did think he might be able to come back if scientists developed methods in the future, so he considered freezing his brain, but he finally decided to be cremated, planning whagt he called ‘the barbecue.’

    “Seven grams of Tim’s ashes were buried in space, aboard a rocket carrying the remains of twenty-four others, including Gene Roddenberry (the creator of Star Trek), Gerard O’Neill (a space physicist), and Krafft Ehricke (a rocket scientist). A Pegasus rocket containing their remains launched on April 21, 1997, and remained in orbit for six years, until it burned up in the atmosphere. In 2015, the actress Susan Sarandon, a good friend of Tim’s, put some of his ashes into an art installation at the Burning Man festival, where they were buried along with the installation.”

  • Dale Stout 23:13h, 26 November Reply

    Just think, we could corner the holiday market.

  • Dale Stout 23:16h, 26 November Reply

    What’d you get for Jeff Bezos?

  • Marvin Sager 15:11h, 27 November Reply

    ANALYZE: Holiday Shopping compared to Santa’s Presents
    +++
    (1) Both offer (conditional) free delivery. (More expensive gifts may be delivered faster.)
    +++
    (2) Holiday Shopping offers returns on non-damaged goods. But, you are stuck with Santa presents whether you like those presents or not!
    +++
    (3) Holiday Shopping can occur anytime and delivery is every day even on holidays. Santa only delivers on certain holidays and you should have requested presents way in advance.
    +++
    So, what have we learned? Spend your money on what you really want and hope for the best in what Santa has to bring you! Thinking about this we say in Yiddish, “Das iz mir mshuge!”

  • Marvin Sager 08:45h, 28 November Reply

    Santa’s use of his famous saying, HO-HO-HO (on a practice run)
    +++
    (1) When over a crowded golf course, Santa yells, “MERRY CHRISTMAS and HO-HO-HOLE in one to you!”
    +++
    (2) When flying over Memphis, Tennessee (Elvis Presley’s home), Santa hollers, “MERRY CHRISTMAS and HO-HO-WHOLE lot of SHAKING GOING ON to you!”
    +++
    (3) When flying over Yeshiva University, Santa screams, “MERRY CHRISTMAS and HAPPY HANUKKAH and HO-HO-HOLD the MID-NIGHT OIL in remembrance!”

  • Dale Stout 09:34h, 28 November Reply

    And remember, if you need anything I’m available 364/365.

  • Dale Stout 09:35h, 28 November Reply

    I also do Kwanzaa.

    • Robert D. Diamant 18:49h, 01 December Reply

      If it’s not on Shabbos.

  • DS Snyder 10:55h, 28 November Reply

     Wait. Forget “any reindeer games.” First, just to fit in, I go & get… a nose job! Now what?!!!

  • Marvin Sager 11:34h, 29 November Reply

    Amazon’s new strategy: Order now and your Hanukkah presents will be ready for next year! Or, as they say in the business world, “It’s BRICK or CLICK time!” Why would you want to order your presents for next year? Because (1) Prices should be cheaper now rather than later. (2) You want to make sure that your presents aren’t damaged in delivery and can’t be returned in time for the holidays. (3) Also, you want to be on vacation when all hell breaks out for the holidays! (4) Maybe next year you will change your religion, give all your money to charity, and relax on the FUNNY FARM! (If you choose category #4, then I would like to volunteer to be your CHOSEN GOD’S CHARITY!) Remember my GOLDEN RULE, “It is better to give (to me) than to receive.”

  • Marvin Sager 08:09h, 30 November Reply

    Santa noticed his Menorah (STUD) Reindeer misbehaving with the other Reindeer
    +++
    (1) “What a ‘BANG’ from my BUCK!”
    +++
    (2) “My BUCK is really in a RUT!”
    +++
    (3) “My BUCK not only BUCK’S the system, but he tries to overpopulate it!”
    +++
    (4) “My BUCK is ‘LIT UP’ to preform night or day!”

  • Ruth Keegan 09:48h, 30 November Reply

    “Oh, there are twelve days of Christmas?”

    “Well, we can get through ‘Eight Lords–a-Leaping…!”

  • Robert D. Diamant 10:23h, 30 November Reply

    Preform, perform.
    Tomato, tomahto….

  • Robert D. Diamant 12:49h, 30 November Reply

    Sorry Nick; ham hocks and pork butts are out!
    Bagels and brisket are in…..

  • jim gorman 14:41h, 30 November Reply

    “So Santa let me get this straight. Is today the last day to enter the caption contest, or was that yesterday?”

  • Marcie Brown 20:24h, 30 November Reply

    Next year I’m bringing a map!

  • Gerald Lebowitz 21:47h, 30 November Reply

    Trivia, anyone?

    The Marx Brothers didn’t intend to go into comedy. Young Groucho (Julius) desperately wanted to study medicine, but the poverty-stricken family needed a breadwinner, so he was taken out of school at the age of twelve.

    Making Minnie, his mother, the first Jewish mother in history to order her son NOT to become a doctor.

    Maybe it was for the best, however. Groucho has healed more people with his humor than most doctors have with their drugs.

    And besides, would you really have ever wanted to be operated on by Groucho?

  • Gerald Lebowitz 22:02h, 30 November Reply

    “People say that nobody can hold a candle to me. I don’t know whether that’s a compliment or an insult.”

  • Marvin Sager 07:10h, 01 December Reply

    Santa’s Diary
    +++
    (1) “My BUCK supports the WORLDWIDE WILDLIFE SOCIETY!”
    +++
    (2) “My Buck lies down with wild dogs and rises with DEER TICKS!” (You may inadvertently conclude that my Buck contributes to the REINDEER TOURETTE (TICK) SYNDROME.)
    +++
    (3) “My BUCK aids the NATIONAL TAXIDERMY ORGANIZATION, but only if the animal dies of natural causes!”
    +++
    (4) “My Buck tries to bring a CHANGE in the environmental climate problem!”

  • Marvin Sager 07:24h, 02 December Reply

    “Santa, while I was at the beach the surfers kept hollering at me, ‘HANG 10! HANG 10!’ So I hollered back, I can only ‘HANG 9! HANG9!’ Can’t they see that I am challenged enough?”

  • Dale Stout 13:16h, 02 December Reply

    We need a vacation in Santa Fe.

  • Gerald Lebowitz 14:16h, 02 December Reply

    More trivia? This one’s from the Reader’s Digest:

    “Why do bagels have holes? So the Jewish immigrants who sold the yeasty rolls on New York City’s Lower East Side at the turn of the 20th century could stack them up on sticks to take to customers.”

    Of course this begs the question of why other types of Jewish rolls such as onion rolls and bread rolls and bialys DON’T have holes (the bialy, it’s true, does have a depressed middle, but definitely not a hole).

    I like to think, though, that the person who first came up with the idea of a holy bagel went on to bigger and better things, later making his (or her) fortune by creating the universally loved but tiny Life Savers candies.

    P.S I can picture a Talmudic scholar/inventor slowly going crazy trying to use an awl to make holes in matzohs in order to somehow imitate the success of the bagel. 🙂

  • Gerald Lebowitz 17:35h, 02 December Reply

    Right now I can picture Dale reading my preceding post and saying something like, “Don’t Talmudic scholars ALWAYS give their awl?”

    Ouch! Time for a Life Saver.

    • Dale Stout 20:10h, 02 December Reply

      Talmudic scholars and bagels are both “Einstein’s”

      Or..Awl gave some and some gave awl? :^)

  • Gerald Lebowitz 17:45h, 02 December Reply

    And what about donuts? And life preservers? Do these things, too, owe their birth to the lowly bagel that was introduced in the early 20th century on the Lower East Side?

    I’ll have to chew on that.

    • Robert D. Diamant 19:06h, 02 December Reply

      Why not eschew it…..

      • Dale Stout 20:07h, 02 December Reply

        Ha!

  • Gerald Lebowitz 20:14h, 02 December Reply

    Robert D., great minds think alike. 🙂

    When someone once asked me for the best way to lose weight, I said , “Don’t chew. Eschew.”

    He sort of looked at me in a funny way after that and then avoided me.

    Was my answer that bad?

    Thanks again for all your contributions. Best always.

  • Dale Stout 20:15h, 02 December Reply

    Reindeer : Hi, I’m Buck Owens, you must be Roy Clark…Hee Ha!

  • Marvin Sager 21:43h, 02 December Reply

    “Santa,” someone asked me, “How old are you?”

    “Well,” I said, “I’m as old as what I eat.”

    Then he asked, “What does that mean?”

    So I said: “ROUGH-AGE!”

  • Robert D. Diamant 11:02h, 03 December Reply

    Gerald, your answer was on the mark!

  • Marvin Sager 08:45h, 04 December Reply

    This year Hanukkah services will not be held in stables for GOD’S CHOSEN ANIMALS. All KOSHER ANIMALS will be welcome with all amenities at POTTERY BARN!

  • Robert D. Diamant 09:09h, 04 December Reply

    Gerald, when I said “eschew” I thought someone would reply with “gezuntight!”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 16:47h, 04 December Reply

    Robert,

    Actually, “essen” means “food” in German, and the verb “ess” means “eat,” hence our word “delicatessen,” which originated in Germany, so literally the word “eschew” should mean “to chew food,” but idioms are idioms, and if you analyze things too much, you can go nuts.

    Sometimes when someone near me does sneeze, I say “God bless you” four or five times so that the person will be covered for future sneezes when I’m not there, sort of like having money in a bank account to draw on.

    In the same spirit, God bless YOU, too, in advance, to cover future involuntary expulsions of air from the nose. 🙂

  • Marvin Sager 08:37h, 05 December Reply

    A quote from Woody Allen
    +++
    “I don’t know the question, but SEX is the answer.”

  • Marvin Sager 08:51h, 05 December Reply

    “Santa, life is full of TRAILS & TRIBUTARIES.” ( A version of TRIALS & TRIBULATIONS. )

  • Gerald Lebowitz 18:40h, 05 December Reply

    “I can give you nine times more light than Rudolph did!”

  • Marvin Sager 18:53h, 05 December Reply

    A quote from George Carlin
    +++
    “The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”

  • Barbara Gordon 22:34h, 05 December Reply

    “I’m only Jewish on my father’s side.”

    I know it’s after the deadline so I understand if you can’t consider it.

  • Gerald Lebowitz 23:04h, 05 December Reply

    A Plea for Fairness

    Most people say”Gesundheit”
    While others say “Salud”
    To anyone who sneezes
    To show solicitude.

    But when someone’s a cougher,
    He’s almost never blessed
    While he suffers from pertussis
    And barks to clear his chest

    And envies all the sneezers
    So loved by those who care,
    And feels that how he’s treated
    Is terribly unfair.

    What’s needed is a movement
    To bless all who are blue
    No matter what their ailments,
    No matter what they do. 🙂

  • Gerald Lebowitz 21:42h, 06 December Reply

    Marvin, good ol’ George Carlin, raising questions no one else has thought of:

    “When someone says to you, ‘A penny for your thoughts,’ and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?”

    Or, he asks , if nothing is left of a crashed airplane except the black box, why didn’t they make the whole plane out of the black box?

    He’s created more insomniacs than any other funny guy, bless his departed soul.

  • Marvin Sager 19:09h, 08 December Reply

    Gerald, 2 follow-up quotes to your previous discussions:
    +++
    (1) By Henny Youngman
    “When God sneezed, I didn’t know what to say.”
    +++
    (2) By Mitch Hedberg (American Comedian)
    “My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”

  • Gerasld Lebowitz 20:47h, 08 December Reply

    From Newsweek magazine of December 5th:

    “Two actual bananas duct-taped to a wall have sold for $120,000 at Art Basel Miami, the international art fair featuring works by acclaimed and emerging artists. A third edition of the concept art is expected to sell for $150,000.

    “The humorous minimalist artwork comes from Italian artist Maurizio Cattelan and is titled ‘Comedian.’

    “Two editions of the banana-and-duct-tape art were presented by French contemporary gallery Perrotin at Art Basel on Wednesday, and both sold for $120,000 apiece. Artnet reports the first edition was purchased by a French woman and the second edition by a French man on Wednesday.

    “According to Artnet, after the sales of the first two editions, Perrotin gallery founder Emmanuel Perrotin called Cattelan and they agreed to sell a third edition for $150,000. The website reports that two institutions have expressed interest in purchasing the item.

    “Gallery founder Emmanuel Perrotin said he was surprised by the fervor caused by Comedian at the art fair Wednesday. ‘It’s a miracle. I don’t know how this happened,’ Perrotin told Artnet.”

    According to Mitch Mandel and Tom MacDonald, editors of Men’s Health, the average banana contains 10.3 mg of Vitamin C, .4 mg of Vitamin B6, 422 mg of potassium, and .3 mg of manganese.

    One thing is sure: After these eye-popping sales at Art Basel, I don’t think that anyone will be complaining about the high cost of prescription drugs again. 🙂

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