Prove Your Comedy Chops with Moment’s Cartoon Caption Contest
Welcome to the Moment Magazine Cartoon Caption Contest, founded with the help of New Yorker cartoon editor Bob Mankoff, and drawn by New Yorker cartoonist Ben Schwartz.
Do you have a way with words and humor? If so, look at the cartoon below and send us a caption—or two or three! Plus scroll down to vote for your favorite caption. It’s free and fun!
Winners may claim a free Moment subscription for a friend of family member. Contest open to U.S. residents 18 and above.
Plus: Read interviews with some of our most prolific caption contest contributors here.
Submit a caption for this cartoon by November 30 by writing it in as a comment at the bottom of this page!
Vote for your favorite caption by filling out the form immediately below!
“I’ll give you a wing if you give me a prayer.”
—Gerald Lebowitz, New York, NY
“Oh thank heaven for 7-Eleven.”
—Dale Stout, Colorado Springs, CO
“God knows what you’re eating, my son.”
—Rich Wolf, Westminster, MD
“There is no devil’s food cake. We no longer do imports.”
—Adrian Storisteanu, Toronto, ON, Canada
Chuckle at the Summer 2019 winning caption—and see who wrote it!
“If we hurry we can catch the ark!”
—Susan Rosati, Blackwood, NJ
How to Submit Your Caption(s)
Submit as a comment below by November 30, 2019. Finalists will appear in the upcoming issue. To vote for the winner of the September/October 2019 contest (see finalists above), use the vote form.
“I’m the product of a mixed marriage, as you can see.”
“Only half of me believes in you.”
Hannukah-ome on, Nick! We’ve got eight nights to get all the gifts delivered – can’t we just play reindeer games tonight?
*Hanukkah
I bet you spell your name Molly Legoland (by mistake). 🙂
“You’ve never met a schizophrenic deer before?”
“My Menorah Antler is called a 9 POINTER during HUNTING SEASON!”
“Do I need a KIPPAH and a SANTA COAT?”
“My father, Rudolph, married a Jewish girl, so my light comes from my head instead of from my nose. I’ll be able to guide your sleigh just fine.”
“My father, Rudolph, married a Jewish girl, so my light comes from my head instead of from my nose. I’ll be able to take his place and guide your sleigh just fine.”
“Actually it is not Blitzen, it’s Blintze.”
I just logged on to write mine, but it seems you beat me to it lol. I was gonna do: “No, I get that it’s cute, but don’t you think Blintzen is a bit on the nose?”
: – )
“I’m multitasking.”
“Well, you know, a day here, eight days there…”
OR
“Well, you know how it is, a day here, eight days there…”
“As long as it doesn’t fall on a Shabbos.”
“The rabbi told me he needs a shofar, but at this time of the year?”
Uh oh!!!
Or, perhaps
“Oy!!”
?! : – )
“My parents met on Match.com.”
“My name is Dreidel. Can I take you out for a spin on Hanukkah?”
“I’ve already got a gig and it’s for eight nights.”
“You’ve never seen a candelabra before?”
“We Jews have always gotten into the spirit of Christmas, contributing such songs as ‘Deck the Halls with Boughs of Chola.’ It’s a wonderful chola day.”
“I don’t know how it happened, but last week I woke up and found that my antlers had turned into a menorah.”
“You were expecting maybe Bambi?”
“Do you like my new Hannukah antlers?”
“I’m applying for the position of sleigh guide which you advertised in this week’s edition of the Jewish Press.”
“Just don’t BUCK ME the wrong way!”
“When it comes to the holiday season, I’m just another BUCK in the HEADLIGHTS!”
Don’t buck with me. ;^)
I often get that deer in the head lights look.
“I was born to be wild—not a HOLIDAY TROPHY!”
Me Norah, you Santa.
Can you sing Santa Lucia?
Are you Arthur Fiedler on the Roof?
It’s part of the Establishment Claus.
Jewish you a Merry Christmas and a Hanukkah New Year.
Gotta a light?
And YOU’RE making fun of MY hat?
Yes on the split hoof but nope, never chewed my cud.
I heard someone needed me to sleigh Goliath.
“I’ll help you, but we never had this conversation.”
“If you light them, we’ll have high beams.”
“All of the other goys and boys are laughing and calling me names.”
“My Rabbi said I am a blessing to the DEAR Hanukkah population!
“My favorite movie was not Bambi, but I did enjoy FIDDLER ON THE HOOF!”
Dale, a very funny pun, but, actually, wouldn’t he be Fiedler on the HOOF?
(Actually, Arthur Fiedler himself was full of joy, a man with a twinkle in his eye who loved life, always able to laugh at himself. He would’ve laughed the loudest if he could have read your marvelous play on his name. Nobody has ever really been able to take his place.)
Gerald, Fiedler on the Hoof is good. Arthur Fiedler was a great fun person. I like it.
And Marvin!
And Dale also! (You need to have your name included at all times!) THANKS! :>)
Sorry, Marvin, I hadn’t seen your response when I wrote mine. Great minds think alike, I guess, and I can’t think of a greater mind than yours. (I’m not kidding.)
Next time I will wait longer to add my best entries to give you a fair chance to jump ahead of me. This way I have an excuse when I put forth SECOND RATE ENTRIES! I always truly admire your kind words to me and others. Keep up the good work! THANKS!
“NOW you’re telling me I’ve other religions to cover too?”
I often get that deer in my head lights look.
“It’s my side-hustle.”
“Reindeer’s gotta eat everyday.”
I knew I shouldn’t have agreed to circumcised!
I knew I shouldn’t have agreed to be circumcised!
So a job’s a job, right? When you see our tree, you don’t tell Bambi what I’ve got on my head, and when I’m through flying you around. I won’t tell the elves that your tzitzis are tucked into the red gotkes.
Do I look like a Rudolf?
I don’t know either. I got lost in Flatbush looking for water, fell into a mikkvah, and came out like this.
I don’t know either. I got lost in Flatbush, fell into a mikveh, and came out like this.
“My menorah uses a special oil that lasts till Purim.”
Oils well that ends well ;^)
“Because a red nose won’t last as long.”
Sorry, but the Jewish reindeer all have to work on Christmas Day!
Why is this reindeer different from all other reindeers?
Now I’m below the horns of a dilemma.
Because it gives me that Special Glow.
“It’s not a miracle. I borrowed one of your elves.”
“I need to find the Little Match Girl.”
“Do you need a ride to the Kwanzaa party?”
I always wanted to mingle with Kris Kringle.
Don’t menschon it.
Muzzle tov.
I have a muzzle that loves to nuzzle.
Does this ring a bell?
Not the Liberty Bell, but it does “crack” me up! :>)
Reindeer cartoon:
I’ll deliver to the Jewish kids, you cover the rest.
Moonlighting again, Rudolph?
“Sorry, Santa, you’ll have to do without me this year!”
Per our union contract and just a reminder: I put in for 8 days off in late December this year.
I converted.
Latkes or fruitcake?
Latkes won…..
Sorry Santa; the role of Tevye has already been taken….
Only red and green? We need things in blue and white this year.
When I learned that Gal Gadot was Jewish, I switched….
“We’ll be good for eight nights.”
“Helping you out is definitely not kosher.”
Sorry, boss, gotta go. I smell latkes, I’m scared to fly, and don’t wanna go down in flames!
OR
Gotta light?
Rudolph only has to work one night a year and I have to work eight?
Aleph the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names.
No Nicky, it is not a passing phase; I’ve read the Talmud and did Birthright Israel.
No Nick, you may not get an alleyah at my Bar Mitzvah!
Stop questioning my decision to convert; it was Madonna who introduced me to the Kabbalah!
“What’s nu?”
Dale, what a string of gems! I feel like the patron (played by Carl Reiner’s late wife, Estelle) in the famous restaurant scene in “When Harry Met Sally” who, after Meg Ryan’s faked orgasm, says, “I’ll have what she’s having.”
In the same spirit, whatever you’re on that allows you to create such delicious comedy, I want some, too!
Nick, why do you keep asking me if venison is kosher?
The 9 candles of my Hanukiah will surely light the way to help you give joy to kids
“My mother always said that I was the light of her life.”
Sorry Nick,
I’ve lived in Crown Heights, Borough Park, Williamsburg too.
I’M A JEW!
“”My Christmas song request is, ‘ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS MY TWO BUCK TEETH!”‘
“My favorite liquor is, ‘TWO BUCK CHUCK!”‘
I thought with stagflation, it was three buck chuck!
“After the Bris my Mohl said, ‘Congratulations on STAGgering around!”‘
“Instead of delivering packages to others, I prefer to keep them for myself. That’s why I am a STINGY BEAST OF BURDEN!”
C’mon — nine candles will give you a heckuva lot more light than one shiny nose.
I have tried to be thinner.
But I love Shabbos dinner.
And the fish I eat on erev Christmas is
Gefilte!
Sorry Nick, hot cross buns are out!!
“Rudolph has the flu.”
Does that mean he is FLU-ENT in YIDDISH?
“I was recommended to you for the job of sleigh guide by the Center for Jewish-Christian Understanding.”
There won’t be any roast beast this year, just roasted beets.
Dale, c’mon, really? STAG flation? That pun would de-flate anybody.
(Yet sometimes something is SO bad that it turns out to be SO good. 🙂
How can we be out of candles? Thats ridiculous!
There was nothing I could do, Rabbi took me back to his workshop with care
Who did this to you?! Men or uhh…?
Sorry Santa, but evolution just happens how it does, there’s nothing I can do.
Yeah, I can’t fly this time, it’s a leap year.
Please don’t take it personally
“Who cares which holiday I celebrate as long as I light it up?”
Where have you been hiding Cupid and Vixen?
You sir, are my prisoner.
I’m on the Naughty Liszt?
Dale,
Is this about you, or is this your entry? :)
Happy Holidaze?
“I have one spot on my menorah for each of your reindeer. And the top spot belongs to Rudolph because he is always ahead of the pack by a NOSE.”
“I’m interested in a menage-a-trois with Donna and BLINTZES.”
“Do you have eight reindeer so that each one corresponds to a different night of Hanukkah?”
“This time of year, I don’t plan to freeze my ASS off, because I’m a different kind of animal!”
“Last year at this time, I was attacked by Mrs. BEAR CLAUS!”
“I might not be Rudolph but I’m free on Christmas Eve.”
I might not be Rudolph but I’m free on Christmas Eve.”
“I just found out my mom was Jewish.”
“What I want for Christmas, Santa, is a nice Jewish boy who’s horny in spite of shedding his antlers.”
“Santa, don’t look at me with those HUNGRY EYES!”
“As part of my contract, I’m listed as spaced out BUCK ROGERS on a Jewish mission to mate among GOD’S CHOSEN ANIMALS!”
I though it might be a good idea to be inclusive when we visit mixed-marriage homes.
It goes like this, Nick:
“Maw oh tzur yi shoe oh tsee….”
Marvin, re your November 2 post, which was listed out of order: none of your entries are ever second rate.
Robert Diamant, you’re very funny; have you ever tried writing light verse? (See Ogden Nash, for example; you could do that. But unfortunately the market for funny poems is very small. 🙂 )
Thank you so much. I try to incorporate humor in anything I write. I have had some articles published in the Staten Island Advance and 4 Haikus were published in The NY Times book on NYC Haikus.
Ok, I’ll be on your sled team but you’ll have to feed me with jelly donuts and latkes.”
If you thought my nose was bright,
you should see me now on the 8th night!
”I’m not looking for a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow, but just some regular “pot” will help me cruise HIGHER and HIGHER on my journey!”
”I request an oxygen mask when flying over SMOKE CHIMNEYS!”
“And a sweater. Bubbe said chimneys are drafty.”
“Don’t forget the scarf for my neck & booties for my young tender feet!” 🙂
Bubby the Elf carved this. What’s your favorite color?
”I get my JOLLIES from ‘balls of holly.’ (Now at least that phrase rhymes, and I didn’t mention other kinds of JOLLY BALLS!)”
Yes, I converted. How did you know?
”At the piano bar in my neighborhood, everybody tries to over load me with BUCK SHOTS!”
”The children today request that I leave under their trees (Hanukkah bush or Christmas tree) only GELT. They must think I am the GOLDEN CALF they read about!”
You thought my nose was bright,
You should see me now on the 8th night!
“Nar ainer! It looks nothing like it! And now you want to do a circumcision?”
Rudolph is grounded, he got Blitzened.
Isn’t SANTA the abominable anagram?
Tim Allen, is that you?
Have a coke and a smile.
Put some rum in that coke, and I will smile too.
You just stepped in my figgy pudding.
Do you know what I know? What are you, a Weiss guy?
I’m game, Warden, if you’re game, Warden.
My icicles are straight out of Frozen.
You were expecting a Frosty reception?
”SANTA’S ELVES were “shelved” last year, since they had a SHORT toy production!”
”Santa now pays a universal charge for each toy delivered which really TAXES his mind!”
”Santa was denied permission to visit the White House, because his TOYS were MADE IN CHINA this year!”
”Santa now delivers toys to the LGBTQ community, because he now follows the RAINBOW destination!”
”According to “fake news,” Santa was considered a COMMUNIST “RED” SPY, because he sometimes flies into restricted air space in the U.S.!”
”Because of my Menorah children always ask me, ‘Can you dance the JEWISH HORA?”‘
Gevalt! You already forgot the waxless candles? Just think, you wanna be Santa or Shanda?
And this year, don’t forget the dripless candles!
Thanks, Robert Diamant, for your comment.
It was certainly an honor for you to be chosen for inclusion in “New York City Haiku.” (I tried in vain to access your writing in the Staten Island Advance.)
A whole book can be condensed in a good haiku, ideally seventeen syllables. Here’s one of your published poems , for example:
:There’s not much twerking
Going on at six a.m.
On the ferry boat.”
Beautiful. Commentary could run over hundreds of pages.
My favorite haiku probably is one by, I think, Arakida Moritake;
“A fallen leaf
Returning to the branch?
Butterfly.”
Anyway, a very warm welcome. Thanks again for adding golden spice to our stew.
“Can I light up your journey on Christmas Eve? Please, Santa, don’t be a nay-sleigher.”
You are very welcome. I am really not new to the group. I submitted some over the past 3-4 years and came in first some years ago. I really enjoy reading everyone’s submissions.
“You’ve got to let me know. I was offered a lucrative gig posing in the OU lobby for Hanukkah. Can you beat their price?”
“Hanukkah is the only time of the year when I can make any real money. Yet a lot of people accuse me of having a gelt complex.”
“Those reindeer games we wouldn’t let Rudolph play? Dreidl.”
“Rudolph has only one light, I have nine. There;s no contest.”
“Many times I suffered from HOOF and MOUTH DISEASE!”
“Once I crossed paths with Richard Spencer, and he gave me the Nazi salute. In return, I WikiLeak-ed all over his despicable body!”
My mother was Jewish
“Because my Bubbe thought I Wouldn’t amount to much, I always gave her BUPKIS for the holidays to prove her point!”
“Just think of me as being a real MENSCH, AHEAD above all others!”
I’d rather ride with you this year–it’ll beat posing as U.J.A.’s Hanukkah symbol.
“Tell me it’s not on a Saturday.”
“Santa, you shouldn’t let Rudolph drink alcoholic beverages, because his nose is RED enough!”
“Santa, I want you to know that I produced many offspring over the years. I have a condition now called BRAG-ga-DOE-cio!”
Nicky, if you’re auditioning for the North Pole Follies production of Fiddler, that getup will not get you the gig in the ghetto.
Why is it so important to you if I like sour cream or apple sauce on my latkes?
Ashkenazi, Sephardic, Orthodox, Humanist, Reconstructionist, Hasidic? I’m from north of the Arctic Circle; you figure it out!!
Do you think the anti-semites really care how man horns I have?
Well, the anti-Semites have 2 horns (for the DEVIL incarnate)! 🙂
Tha above should be “many.”
Nick, please stop horning in on the conversations I am having with Rudy; he is not converting yet).
Trump will blame me for YOUR decision to skip the White House this year.
It was the last straw when you threatened to replace us with drones!
Look, I am not getting into a Talmudic dispute with you about my inability to lay teffillin!
It is truly stereotypical that on December 25, I get an urge for Chinese food….
No, Nick; calling it a Chanukah bush does not change anything…..
Hey, I happen to have loved Adam Sandler’s Chanukah song before I converted…
And by the way, “White Christmas” and “Easter Parade” were written by a member of my tribe, Irving Berlin.
My parents originally had it done to me for health purposes so I fortunately did not have to get the procedure done when I converted.
Yes, I know you’ve got Cole Porter, Noel Coward and Duke Ellington, but we’ve got Kern, Hammerstein, , Rodgers, Hart, Berlin, the Gershwins, Lerner, Loewe, Weill, Brecht, Loesser, Styne, Kander, Ebb, Bernstein, SONDHEIM. I could go on but you get the picture…..
“Santa, on my air routes, I need to stop often at StarBUCKS for that extra KICK of energy!”
“If you run out of my regular food, then I’ll take some BUCKwheat pancakes!”
“Where I was born, there were two basic animals which were the deer and swine. The community was called BUCKingHAM County!”
“I have to moonlight.”
“I can multi-task.”
Can you flick your Bic?
Did you know that Noel spelled backwards is Leon?
Don’t eat yellow latkes.
You look like you’ve had too much eggnog.
Have your people call my people.
It so happens that I am available this year.
“Because I studied the Talmud, I was once offered a professorship teaching religious studies at BUCKnell University!”
“I’m listed in Ripley’s Believe It or Not because I once “hooked up” with a wild horse. The results produced a BUCKing bronco!” (YIPPEE KI YAY!)
“I love college sports at the University of Texas – go LONGHORNS! When the crowd hollers, ‘HOOK EM HORNS,’ I always get TANGLED UP with the MASCOT!”
“Check it twice. It’s a hanukkiah.”
“There’s something Mrs. Claus wants you to know.”
“Surely you must have seen me on “Antiques Roadshow.”
I am taking a vacation next week in DEERfield Beach; it’s easy to find a minyan there….
Hey Nick, did you catch Bet Midler in “Hello Dolly,” earlier this year. Her rendition of “So Long DEERie” was awesome!
“When I tried out for the Milwaukee BUCKS team, the coach asked me, ‘Where’s the BEEF?”‘
Remember “Trees,” by Joyce Kilmer (1886-1918)?
I think that I shall never see
A poem lovely as a tree.
A tree whose hungry mouth is prest
Against the sweet earth’s flowing breast;
A tree that looks at God all day,
And lifts her leafy arms to pray;
A tree that may in summer wear
A nest of robins in her hair;
Upon whose bosom snow has lain;
Who intimately lives with rain.
Poems are made by fools like me,
But only God can make a tree.
********************************************
Well, here’s “Trees: Part II.” written by current funnyman Mo Rocca:
Joyce Kilmer’s famous poem “Trees”
Always leaves me ill at ease.
You know the verse I’m speaking of,
The one where Joyce professes love
For every tree that’s ever been,
Deciduous or evergreen.
The couplets jangle every time
With singsong meter, obvious rhyme.
The sentiment, it seems, well … false,
A bit too thick with grandma’s schmaltz.
So as you’ll gather, I’m no fan.
And by the way–he was a man.
******************************************
Ordinarily, this would end here, but my exchange with Robert Diamant reminded me of Ogden Nash, who wrote this topper:
I think that I shall never see
A billboard lovely as a tree.
Perhaps, unless the billboards fall,
I’ll never see a tree at all.
🙂 🙂 🙂
Mr. Lebowitz, my favorite Nash lines:
“The Bronx?
No thonx”
Nick, sorry, I thought you said “horns of plenty,” not “plenty of horns.” I’m dyslectic!
Wayne LaPierre asked me, “Do you have a problem delivering TOY GUNS to NRA members?”
“Well,” I said, “I may get ‘SHOT DOWN’ if I COMPLAIN!”
Robert D.:
Winter Morning Poem
Winter is the king of showmen
Turning tree stumps into snowmen
And houses into birthday cakes
And spreading sugar over lakes.
Smooth and clean and frosty white
The world looks good enough to bite.
That’s the reason to be young
Catching snowflakes on your tongue.
Snow is snowy when it’s snowing
I’m sorry it’s slushy when it’s going.
—-Ogden Nash
“That’s O.K. if you don’t like my jokes because I have a TOUGH BUCKSKIN HIDE!”
“Santa, no wonder you never invite me into your home. You have a sign on your front door that says, ‘THE BUCK STOPS HERE!”‘
Yes Nick, I know Bing Crosby never recorded “White Chanukah.”
The transition occurred overnight.
I went to bed thinking of boughs of holly and woke up thinking of slices of cholly.
Well, we both agree that “The Book of Mormons” was hysterically funny..
Nick, you are confusing them. Shlmeil” is the one who spills the soup; “shlmazel” is the one who gets the soup spilled on him.”
“The Nun’s Story” used to be my favorite film; now it’s “Yentl.”
Nick, just because you eat bagels and lox after church on Sundays does not make you eligible to be counted as part of a minyan!
Nick, did you coin the phrase “flyover states?” This December 25, please fly over Pennsylvania, Michigan, Indiana, Michigan and Wisconsin….
I thought I told you that Jews do not need oil changes during Chanukah…
Nick, I’m sure you can understand why I vociferously protested “The Deer Hunter” winning an Academy Award for best picture…
You know I was never able to rise above buck private when I flew for the Air Force….
I had to join a reform synagogue because I cannot secure a yarmulke to my head.
Nick, the title is not “Deer Evan Hanson…”
I’m the one who lobbied to change “ARMistice Day” to Veterans Day.”
Deer Diary….
Waddaya mean there’s a spelling error? It is MY diary….
My great grandfather’s favorite serial on 1950s TV was “Buck Rogers.”
Nick, Robert D. Diamant submitted forty-five captions! Someone should tell him to get a life….
I DO NOHAVE A BUCKet LIST!!!!
On November 22, 1963, JFK was assassinated. His death wasn’t the only death on that day. Aldous Huxley also died on that November 22nd. But there was one more death on that day. It was the death of Vaughn Meader’s career.
Vasughn Meader was the best John F. Kennedy impersonator ever. He looked like JFK and sounded exactly like him. He was very funny and made a lot of money from his performances and albums. Here are three of his bits. In the first one he is distributing Caroline’s and John John’s toys to them:
“Nine of the PT boats, two of the Yogi Bear beach balls, and the ball of Silly Putty belong to Caroline. Nine of the PT boats, one of the Yogi Bear beach balls, and the two Howdy Doody plastic bouncing clowns are baby John’s. The rubber swan is mine.”
In another bit, he was asked the chances of a Jewish president: “Well, I think they’re pretty good. Let me say, I don’t see why a person of the Jewish faith can’t be president of the United States. Of course I know as a Catholic I could never vote for him, but other than that …”
Or, in a mock interview, a reporter asks: “Sir, when are we going to send a man to the moon?” And Meader/JFK answers: “Whenever Mr. Goldwater wants to go.”
After that fateful day in 1963, the anniversary of which is rapidly approaching, Vaughn Meader’s career went down the drain. He had been a one-trick pony or, if you’ll pardon my irresistible pun (sorry, Dale) using the lyric from a Rodgers and Hart song, a Johnny one-note, whose talent was useless after the real John was gunned down.
The night after the assassination, Lenny Bruce got onstage in New York City, grabbed the microphone, and offered the very last word: “Boy, did Vaughn Meader get fucked.”
“My religious teaching allows me to get on bended knee and SPRAY!”
“Pearl S. Buck wrote THE GOOD EARTH, and like the GOOD BUCK that I am, I help fertilize it!”
Gerald, a day none of us will ever forget! I loved Meader’s take on JFK; I believe he was on Ed Sullivan a lot. I’m having a lot of fun participating in this contest.
Robert D., and everybody else here is having a lot of fun thanks to YOUR wonderful contributions. Thanks again for all you do.
Its good thing Christmas Eve lines up with Chanukkah this year, Rudolph.
I meant–It’s a good thing…
Robert D., and YOUR wonderful contributions add immeasurably to everyone else’s fun.
Thanks for everything.
Rudolph’s sick? Sure , I’ll guide your sleigh tonight.
“Santa, do I need to ‘Whistle While I Work,’ or can I just pretend to chew my cud?”
Nick, are you delivering toys to Virginia first because Virginia said that there is a Santa Claus?
Time for Santa’s VIAGRA
+++
Santa has a FIRM OUTlook on life (when on VIAGRA)!
+++
Sometimes the VIAGRA gets stuck in his gums. Then he has what the Brittish calls a STIFF upper lip!
***
Sometimes the VIAGRA gets stuck in his throat. Therefore you might say that he doesn’t need a neck brace!
***
Santa (when on VIAGRA) likes many HO-HO-HOS in his life, but don’t tell Mrs. Claus!
+++
In conclusion, we should all recognize Gerald Lebowitz for his HARD work (and he won’t admit to using VIAGRA as if he needs it). Now and again, he enjoys a STIFF drink (VIAGRA added?). I admire his ability to stay on top (VIAGRA again?) of POTENT subjects (if you understand my meaning). You are the BEST (man) Gerald (VIAGRA?)! THANKS! 🙂
You blew out my candles because of someone’s birthday?
Gerald, I am raising a glass in recognition of your Herculean efforts. Before my transition, I would have filled it with Chianti; now I chug down Manischevitz Concord grape…
“Recently it was so cold at the North Pole, that I was chased by a ‘Woolly’ polar bear. When he caught up with me, he gave me a terrible FROSTBITE!”
“Santa, on top of your house you are growing a beautiful Christmas tree. This may qualify you for a GREENHOUSE (LEED) certification!”
Did you sign the Non-Compete Claus?
It’s a good thing Christmas Eve lines up with the 8th night of Chanukah this year, Rudolph.
“You’ve heard about such things as Jewish noses? Well, these are Jewish antlers.”
“I’m here to offer my services to accommodate your Jewish clientele.”
From: Santa to Rudolph
+++
“On route 66 you can get your KICKS!”
+++
“Since your nose is already enhanced, you don’t need any of my VIAGRA!”
+++
“Please use an anti-deodorant spray to overRIDE that bad MUSKY smell!”
I’m a kosher animal — please don’t sleigh me!
a Claus(e) in my contract says I’m off when Christmas overlaps with Hanukkah!
It be-hooves me to celebrate Hanukkah!
You don’t know pelt from gelt!
Sorry, no can do. I have a prior commitment on the 25th, this year. I can check my lunar calendar for next year, though, if you like.
How much more proof do you need that reindeer ARE kosher?
Larry Lesser, “it be-hooves me”?
Executing that pun was certainly no mean feat!
“And speaking of Ho Ho Ho, you should meet my cousin Frecha!”
[sings] “Bubbe got run over by a reindeer….”
Silent Night? In a Jewish household?!?
“O Tannenbaum, that’s my uncle Osip.”
Maybe a better punctuation would be:
“O Tannenbaum?! That’s my uncle Osip!”
“I swallowed a Menorah.”
“Flying the friendly skies you may need the approval of the TSA (Technical Sleigh Assessors)!”
I’m a buck; for sufganiyot, you need doe.
A pointed question: “are you a Rebbe without a Claus?”
Let me ask a pointed question, are you a Rebbe without a Claus?
Hey Yukon Cornelius, how about a chorus of ‘Silver and Gelt, Silver and Gelt…’
I’m from the lost tribe of Benjamin Schwartz.
Hi, my name is Rudy…Rudy Jewliani.
FOREIGN TRAVEL IDEAS
+++
“When we fly over China do I need to eat RICE Krispies?”
+++
“Do I need to tighten my Borscht seat belt over Russia?”
+++
“Do I need to declare that I am not a TURKEY over TURKEY?”
+++
There are more obvious questions to be answered, but who cares unless you are a SPACE ALIEN.
“I’m also available for Black Friday.”
I’m Rudy. I’ll light up your life.
“I don’t see any problem. After all, Jesus was Jewish, too.”
“I collided with a Chabad Mobile Menorah.”
“Why do you look puzzled by my menorah? After all, isn’t the whole purpose of the Christmas holiday to celebrate the birth of a Jewish boy?”
“I’m holding a preseason sale of shofars.”
“My husband was supposed to join me today to visit you, Santa, but at the last moment he said, “I’m not coming. I think it’s going to rain, dear.” My husband is a very smart man. He’s known a lot of important people, including several presidents. As a matter of fact, former president Harry S. Truman once had a special sign on his desk made just for him. The sign read “the buck stops here.”
(At this point, there should be very audible groans from the reader, especially from Marvin.)
Gerald,
I’m groaning and moaning!
Its called Jew by choice!
Santa’s Medical Record
+++
After visiting the Medical Clinic, Santa was notified that he needed to update his medical portfolio. He needed the following shots: (1) pneumonia (2) influenza (3) tetanus (4) cholera (5) polio (6) typhus (7) yellow fever (8) rabies) (9) malaria (10) MMR and (11) typhoid fever.
***
After receiving all his required shots in his butt areas, Santa immediately called home and told his wife, “I’m now Farklemt from a HARD ASS DAY!”
I’m Reuven the menorahed reindeer,
My antlers are a chosen rack!
Reb Santa, I’m here to ask you
Do I add candles facing front or back?
Santa sitting on a chair in a Mall asked me,
Are you a good boy? Let me see.
He looked down and saw his knee.
What happened? Did you pee?
+++
Are you expecting me (Marvin) to be a poet? If not, then please ask Johanan Levine for more exceptional poetry contributions! (Please see J.L. above.)
JR, congratulations on winning Cartoon Caption Contest #48. Your caption was superb, as is your very clever ” I have to moonlight” here. Keep ’em coming!
Santa’s Theme Song
+++
“TAKE ME HOME, COUNTRY ROADS.”
+++
You would also want to sing this song to successfully navigate back home after carrying
a heavy (DRECK/SH*T) load of presents!
Good advice(?) from Mike Nichols’ speech at the 2005 Tony Awards:
‘My love to those who have not won tonight. I just want to remind you of my motto: ‘Cheer up, life isn’t everything.’ “
There was a feature in today’s New York Times about llamas taking over as service animals to help the elderly and infirm: “The 300-pound llamas strolled quietly through the corridors of the nursing home, lowering their heads to be petted by residents in wheelchairs and pausing patiently as staffers took selfies.”
One of Ogden Nash’s most famous pieces of light verse was entitled “The Lama”:
The one-l lama,
He’s a priest.
The two-l llama,
He’s a beast.
And I will bet
A silk pajama
There isn’t any
Three-l lllama.*
Well, this verse created an uproar, with fire departments across the country protesting, and so Nash created a special footnote reading, “The author’s attention has been called to a type of conflagration known as a three-alarmer.”
No good deed does go unPUNished, does it, Robert D.?
Johanan L., a VERY funny verse; however, I’d change the first line slightly to read, “I’m Rebecca, the menorahed reindeer,” because the reindeer in our cartoon has to be female since male reindeer all shed their antlers for winter.
Unless, of course, your reindeer is, to use the new gender term, “nonbinary.” 🙂
In my country, this gives me nine times the horny power. (I blame this on Borat)
There’s no way I’d go up a chimney. (I blame this on Mel Brooks)
I’m incensed you’d think this is for incense. (Not funny enough to blame Alan Alda)
You look like you could use some Moose Milk. (recipe available online) (I blame this on Foster Brooks)
Gerald, and no bad deed ( like ignoring Congressional subpoenas) seems to go punished!
“I thought maybe we could do a Saint Lucia homage this year, at least over Scandinavia?”
A MEMO FROM SANTA
+++
I told my wife that I had a memory like an elephant, so as not to forget to bring presents to all deserving children. Now she refers to me as DUMBo!
Santa’s Medical Update
+++
Mrs. Claus decided to learn new cooking recipes. She determined that by adding powdered VIAGRA, it would be just the “spice” needed for an improved life. In his supper meal, Mrs. Claus generously added VIAGRA to surprise Santa. That night Santa was surprised to be rushed to the Intensive Care Unit of the nearby hospital. He was diagnosed with a medical condition called HARDENING OF THE ARTERIES. Mrs. Claus insisted that she stay with Santa to provide HANDS-ON RELIEF and attention to his SWOLLEN condition. The hospital provided a small tent over his private parts for local DECOMPRESSION purposes. This new advancement in medical treatment also allows for Santa to donate to the SPERM BANK. Just think of it, in the near future the world could have many Santas. All in all, his condition should improve in a matter of two or three days according to his doctors, and he will be sent home. Of course, Mrs. Claus was instucted not to use VIAGRA for cooking in the future. The moral of these events is best stated by what Dale Stout would utter, “To be Santa, sometimes it’s HARD!”
“Rudolph can’t make it. I’m his replacement.”
“I’m easy to maintain. I only need an oil change every five thousand miles.”
Adrian, I have met her; I urged her not to quit her night job.
: – )
“Rudolph couldn’t make it. He’s defending President Trump in the impeachment proceedings.”
Don’t worry. So am I.
If there was a person who helped form the approach of Fred Rogers (the beloved friend of all children, who died in 2003), it was Dr. Margaret McFarland, his supervisor in a course in pastoral counseling early in his career. Dr. McFarland was on the faculty of the University of Pittsburgh School of Medicine.
The lesson that she taught that impressed Mr. Rogers the most concerned teaching. Once she invited a sculptor to teach a preschool class which he observed. She told the sculptor the most amazing thing. “I don’t want you teaching sculpting,” she said. “I want you simply to sit with the children and do what you’d like to do with the clay.” Whenever the sculptor visited, she’d ask him to “just love the clay in front of the children.” Fred saw even the most resistant children slowly transform, using the clay in wonderful ways.
In all of his TV programs, Fred remembered. He provided children with painters and musicians and innumerable craftsmen who milked cows and even made pretzels but who didn’t provide step-by-step instructions to the children. They just shared their infectious love.
“Attitudes aren’t taught,” Margaret McFarland once said.. “”They’re caught.”
Oh, how I wish I had had more teachers like that. But we were all fortunate in having someone like Fred Rogers to watch in our lifetimes.
P.S. It occurs to me that in helping the children love the clay, Mr. Rogers was loving the children themselves, helping them catch the attitude that they themselves were lovable and capable of loving.
What better lesson could any teacher or parent teach?
Actually, my father’s name is not Rudolf, it’s Reuven!
Santa’s Day In Court
+++
Unfortunately, Santa was arrested by the Air Traffic Control Police for flying a vehicle without a proper license. He was summoned into court to face the renowned Judge Judy Sheindlin. In court, Judge Judy asked Santa, “How do you plead?” Santa replied, “I plead not guilty, because I operate a non-profit operation.” Judge Judy scolded him and said, “You still need a license!” “But,” Santa insisted, “I’m a jolly old man bringing joy to the world.” Judge Judy replied, “Don’t piss on my leg and tell me it’s raining!” Santa, blushing with remorse, said, “I guess I am guilty since I fly with strange beasts, and roam around at night looking to enter homes without permission!” Judge Judy then sentenced Santa to 5,000 hours of community service and to acquire a license. Santa wiped his brow and said, “At least I won’t miss my midnight run, and perhaps I can apply those 5,000 miles when flying over time on my run!”
“I’m looking for my bashert. Would there be anyone available among your eight helpers?”
From the news: “The UK has appointed its first-ever minister to combat loneliness, a problem the government says affects more than 9 million people in the country who always or often feel lonely.”
In other words, the United Kingdom has a fully functioning Minister of Loneliness.
I hope that a lot of people consult him. Otherwise he could be very lonely sitting in his office by himself.
What do we need in this country under President Trump?
How about a Minister of Truthfulness?
Santa’s Blessing For The Holidays
+++
As we approach the Holiday Season, Santa decided to make a blessing to celebrate this special time of the year. Santa begins, “Bless all RIGHTeous people and let us not forget the LEFTy population. May there be NO OBSTRUCTION or NO COLLUSION in this important matter. We should raise a TOAST with LOX of cheer!”
Pop, Schwartz gave me a trim.
From livescience.com
“Are Santa’s reindeer males?
Impossible, scientists say.
Here’s why: Here on the ground, male reindeer shed their antlers at the end of the mating season in early December, while females sport their thinner antlers throughout the winter.
Sounds like Rudolph and the gang were all gals.
‘It appears that way,’ said physiologist Perry Barboza of the Institute of Arctic Biology, University of Alaska at Fairbanks, who studies reindeer and their closest cousins, caribou. Scientists consider reindeer and caribou the same species….”
Johanan, it looks like I goofed, too. Sorry.
But you have great skill at writing light verse. You’ve mastered the rhyme and the meter and certainly the wit.
No problem … Christmas isn’t a religious holiday anyway!
If I got some gelt for every nine-pointer who shows up here, I’d be a rich man!
The chutzpah of “Dunkin’ DOEnuts” to change its name to “Dunkin’! “StarBUCKS” is my cafe venue from now on!
Trudy the Red-Nosed Reindeer
(New version, based on newly discovered information)
Trudy, the red-nosed reindeer,
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw her,
you would even say it glows.
All of the other reindeer
used to laugh and call her names.
They never let poor Trudy
play in any reindeer games.
Then one foggy Christmas eve
Santa came to say:
“Trudy, with your nose so bright,
won’t you guide my sleigh tonight?”
Then all the reindeer loved her
as they shouted out with glee:
“Trudy, the red-nosed reindeer,
you’ll go down in history!”
######################
There, that wasn’t so bad, was it?
I’m not your Rudolph, I’m Maya Rudolph.
Santa: I do AdMaya you.
Go ahead, you can hang a few ornaments.
I can also scrape your windshield.
I’ve got chutzpah and a pair of J-I-N-G-L-E bells.
I checked; Dolly Parton did NOT write Jingle Bells.
I thought I could light up the sky tonight, since Rudolph’s away.
I’ve seen fire and I’ve seen rein….deer.
Let’s fire them up and the way we go!
Santa gives THANKS for his sleigh this time of year
+++
(1) Santa doesn’t worry about flat tires or running out of gas.
+++
(2) Santa really doesn’t need theft insurance on his vehicle. (Who would want to steal a big old sleigh that only works with reindeer?)
+++
(3) Since Santa drives his sled at night, he doesn’t have to worry about parking meter fines.
+++
I don’t know about you, but Santa’s antics sure SLEIGH me!
“I’ve had it with Jewish men! I want to join your sisterhood and help deliver presents on Christmas Eve.”
It beHOOVES me to mention what Santa said to his Menorah Antler Reindeer. “Keep your HAPPY FACE expression lit up, so all the Jewish kids can see the real meaning of Hanukkah. (Oy Vey, another ugly sweater)!”
By Ram Dass:
“Tim (Leary) was a romantic Irish bard. He and I didn’t agree on the nature of soul and consciousness. Tim was a philosophical materialist. He didn’t have a sense of the continuity of awareness beyond the brain and would never concur that we have souls. ‘I don’t have that,’ he would say simply. Nor did he believe that there was an afterlife. But he did think he might be able to come back if scientists developed methods in the future, so he considered freezing his brain, but he finally decided to be cremated, planning whagt he called ‘the barbecue.’
“Seven grams of Tim’s ashes were buried in space, aboard a rocket carrying the remains of twenty-four others, including Gene Roddenberry (the creator of Star Trek), Gerard O’Neill (a space physicist), and Krafft Ehricke (a rocket scientist). A Pegasus rocket containing their remains launched on April 21, 1997, and remained in orbit for six years, until it burned up in the atmosphere. In 2015, the actress Susan Sarandon, a good friend of Tim’s, put some of his ashes into an art installation at the Burning Man festival, where they were buried along with the installation.”
Just think, we could corner the holiday market.
What’d you get for Jeff Bezos?
ANALYZE: Holiday Shopping compared to Santa’s Presents
+++
(1) Both offer (conditional) free delivery. (More expensive gifts may be delivered faster.)
+++
(2) Holiday Shopping offers returns on non-damaged goods. But, you are stuck with Santa presents whether you like those presents or not!
+++
(3) Holiday Shopping can occur anytime and delivery is every day even on holidays. Santa only delivers on certain holidays and you should have requested presents way in advance.
+++
So, what have we learned? Spend your money on what you really want and hope for the best in what Santa has to bring you! Thinking about this we say in Yiddish, “Das iz mir mshuge!”
Santa’s use of his famous saying, HO-HO-HO (on a practice run)
+++
(1) When over a crowded golf course, Santa yells, “MERRY CHRISTMAS and HO-HO-HOLE in one to you!”
+++
(2) When flying over Memphis, Tennessee (Elvis Presley’s home), Santa hollers, “MERRY CHRISTMAS and HO-HO-WHOLE lot of SHAKING GOING ON to you!”
+++
(3) When flying over Yeshiva University, Santa screams, “MERRY CHRISTMAS and HAPPY HANUKKAH and HO-HO-HOLD the MID-NIGHT OIL in remembrance!”
And remember, if you need anything I’m available 364/365.
I also do Kwanzaa.
If it’s not on Shabbos.
Wait. Forget “any reindeer games.” First, just to fit in, I go & get… a nose job! Now what?!!!
Amazon’s new strategy: Order now and your Hanukkah presents will be ready for next year! Or, as they say in the business world, “It’s BRICK or CLICK time!” Why would you want to order your presents for next year? Because (1) Prices should be cheaper now rather than later. (2) You want to make sure that your presents aren’t damaged in delivery and can’t be returned in time for the holidays. (3) Also, you want to be on vacation when all hell breaks out for the holidays! (4) Maybe next year you will change your religion, give all your money to charity, and relax on the FUNNY FARM! (If you choose category #4, then I would like to volunteer to be your CHOSEN GOD’S CHARITY!) Remember my GOLDEN RULE, “It is better to give (to me) than to receive.”
Santa noticed his Menorah (STUD) Reindeer misbehaving with the other Reindeer
+++
(1) “What a ‘BANG’ from my BUCK!”
+++
(2) “My BUCK is really in a RUT!”
+++
(3) “My BUCK not only BUCK’S the system, but he tries to overpopulate it!”
+++
(4) “My BUCK is ‘LIT UP’ to preform night or day!”
“Oh, there are twelve days of Christmas?”
“Well, we can get through ‘Eight Lords–a-Leaping…!”
Preform, perform.
Tomato, tomahto….
Sorry Nick; ham hocks and pork butts are out!
Bagels and brisket are in…..
“So Santa let me get this straight. Is today the last day to enter the caption contest, or was that yesterday?”
Next year I’m bringing a map!
Trivia, anyone?
The Marx Brothers didn’t intend to go into comedy. Young Groucho (Julius) desperately wanted to study medicine, but the poverty-stricken family needed a breadwinner, so he was taken out of school at the age of twelve.
Making Minnie, his mother, the first Jewish mother in history to order her son NOT to become a doctor.
Maybe it was for the best, however. Groucho has healed more people with his humor than most doctors have with their drugs.
And besides, would you really have ever wanted to be operated on by Groucho?
“People say that nobody can hold a candle to me. I don’t know whether that’s a compliment or an insult.”
Santa’s Diary
+++
(1) “My BUCK supports the WORLDWIDE WILDLIFE SOCIETY!”
+++
(2) “My Buck lies down with wild dogs and rises with DEER TICKS!” (You may inadvertently conclude that my Buck contributes to the REINDEER TOURETTE (TICK) SYNDROME.)
+++
(3) “My BUCK aids the NATIONAL TAXIDERMY ORGANIZATION, but only if the animal dies of natural causes!”
+++
(4) “My Buck tries to bring a CHANGE in the environmental climate problem!”
“Santa, while I was at the beach the surfers kept hollering at me, ‘HANG 10! HANG 10!’ So I hollered back, I can only ‘HANG 9! HANG9!’ Can’t they see that I am challenged enough?”
We need a vacation in Santa Fe.
More trivia? This one’s from the Reader’s Digest:
“Why do bagels have holes? So the Jewish immigrants who sold the yeasty rolls on New York City’s Lower East Side at the turn of the 20th century could stack them up on sticks to take to customers.”
Of course this begs the question of why other types of Jewish rolls such as onion rolls and bread rolls and bialys DON’T have holes (the bialy, it’s true, does have a depressed middle, but definitely not a hole).
I like to think, though, that the person who first came up with the idea of a holy bagel went on to bigger and better things, later making his (or her) fortune by creating the universally loved but tiny Life Savers candies.
P.S I can picture a Talmudic scholar/inventor slowly going crazy trying to use an awl to make holes in matzohs in order to somehow imitate the success of the bagel. 🙂
Right now I can picture Dale reading my preceding post and saying something like, “Don’t Talmudic scholars ALWAYS give their awl?”
Ouch! Time for a Life Saver.
Talmudic scholars and bagels are both “Einstein’s”
Or..Awl gave some and some gave awl? :^)
And what about donuts? And life preservers? Do these things, too, owe their birth to the lowly bagel that was introduced in the early 20th century on the Lower East Side?
I’ll have to chew on that.
Why not eschew it…..
Ha!
Robert D., great minds think alike. 🙂
When someone once asked me for the best way to lose weight, I said , “Don’t chew. Eschew.”
He sort of looked at me in a funny way after that and then avoided me.
Was my answer that bad?
Thanks again for all your contributions. Best always.
Reindeer : Hi, I’m Buck Owens, you must be Roy Clark…Hee Ha!
“Santa,” someone asked me, “How old are you?”
“Well,” I said, “I’m as old as what I eat.”
Then he asked, “What does that mean?”
So I said: “ROUGH-AGE!”
Gerald, your answer was on the mark!
This year Hanukkah services will not be held in stables for GOD’S CHOSEN ANIMALS. All KOSHER ANIMALS will be welcome with all amenities at POTTERY BARN!
Gerald, when I said “eschew” I thought someone would reply with “gezuntight!”
Robert,
Actually, “essen” means “food” in German, and the verb “ess” means “eat,” hence our word “delicatessen,” which originated in Germany, so literally the word “eschew” should mean “to chew food,” but idioms are idioms, and if you analyze things too much, you can go nuts.
Sometimes when someone near me does sneeze, I say “God bless you” four or five times so that the person will be covered for future sneezes when I’m not there, sort of like having money in a bank account to draw on.
In the same spirit, God bless YOU, too, in advance, to cover future involuntary expulsions of air from the nose. 🙂
A quote from Woody Allen
+++
“I don’t know the question, but SEX is the answer.”
“Santa, life is full of TRAILS & TRIBUTARIES.” ( A version of TRIALS & TRIBULATIONS. )
“I can give you nine times more light than Rudolph did!”
A quote from George Carlin
+++
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
“I’m only Jewish on my father’s side.”
I know it’s after the deadline so I understand if you can’t consider it.
A Plea for Fairness
Most people say”Gesundheit”
While others say “Salud”
To anyone who sneezes
To show solicitude.
But when someone’s a cougher,
He’s almost never blessed
While he suffers from pertussis
And barks to clear his chest
And envies all the sneezers
So loved by those who care,
And feels that how he’s treated
Is terribly unfair.
What’s needed is a movement
To bless all who are blue
No matter what their ailments,
No matter what they do. 🙂
Marvin, good ol’ George Carlin, raising questions no one else has thought of:
“When someone says to you, ‘A penny for your thoughts,’ and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?”
Or, he asks , if nothing is left of a crashed airplane except the black box, why didn’t they make the whole plane out of the black box?
He’s created more insomniacs than any other funny guy, bless his departed soul.
Gerald, 2 follow-up quotes to your previous discussions:
+++
(1) By Henny Youngman
“When God sneezed, I didn’t know what to say.”
+++
(2) By Mitch Hedberg (American Comedian)
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
From Newsweek magazine of December 5th:
“Two actual bananas duct-taped to a wall have sold for $120,000 at Art Basel Miami, the international art fair featuring works by acclaimed and emerging artists. A third edition of the concept art is expected to sell for $150,000.
“The humorous minimalist artwork comes from Italian artist Maurizio Cattelan and is titled ‘Comedian.’
“Two editions of the banana-and-duct-tape art were presented by French contemporary gallery Perrotin at Art Basel on Wednesday, and both sold for $120,000 apiece. Artnet reports the first edition was purchased by a French woman and the second edition by a French man on Wednesday.
“According to Artnet, after the sales of the first two editions, Perrotin gallery founder Emmanuel Perrotin called Cattelan and they agreed to sell a third edition for $150,000. The website reports that two institutions have expressed interest in purchasing the item.
“Gallery founder Emmanuel Perrotin said he was surprised by the fervor caused by Comedian at the art fair Wednesday. ‘It’s a miracle. I don’t know how this happened,’ Perrotin told Artnet.”
According to Mitch Mandel and Tom MacDonald, editors of Men’s Health, the average banana contains 10.3 mg of Vitamin C, .4 mg of Vitamin B6, 422 mg of potassium, and .3 mg of manganese.
One thing is sure: After these eye-popping sales at Art Basel, I don’t think that anyone will be complaining about the high cost of prescription drugs again. 🙂