Prove Your Comedy Chops with Moment’s Cartoon Caption Contest
Welcome to the Moment Magazine Cartoon Caption Contest, founded with the help of New Yorker cartoon editor Bob Mankoff, and drawn by New Yorker cartoonist Ben Schwartz.
Do you have a way with words and humor? If so, look at the cartoon below and send us a caption—or two or three! Plus scroll down to vote for your favorite caption. It’s free and fun!
Winners may claim a free Moment subscription for a friend of family member. Contest open to U.S. residents 18 and above.
Plus: Read interviews with some of our most prolific caption contest contributors here.
Submit a caption for this cartoon by July 20 by writing it in as a comment at the bottom of this page!
Vote for your favorite caption by filling out the form immediately below!
“Hello service desk, my inbox is flooded again”
—Justin Gray, Findlay, OH
“Family day at the mikvah”
—Joshua Rokach, Silver Spring, MD
Chuckle at the March/April 2019 winning caption—and see who wrote it!
“Jews don’t believe in seitan?”
—Larry Lesser, El Paso, TX
How to Submit Your Caption(s)
Submit as a comment below by July 20, 2019. Finalists will appear in the upcoming issue. To vote for the winner of the winter issue 2019 contest (see finalists above), use the “vote form.”
A new contest will be here soon
To await each shining star.
There’s Scott Evans and Jim Gorman,
And there’s Dinah and JR,
Justin Gray and Gerald Kirzner
And Scott Tredwell and Dale Stout.
Larry Lerner, Marvin Sager
Will be busily about.
Adrian Storisteanu
Will be checking in as well.
David Brown and Susan Sherzer
Will come in with tales to tell.
Richard Wolf and Stephen Nadler
Always add spice to the feast,
And Rob Nance and Justin Grey, though
Mentioned last are never least.
If I’ve left a single name out,
I did not mean to be mean,
For each person who contributes
Is essential to the scene.
(Thanks, Justin, for sparking this with your wonderful entry above. 🙂 )
Whoops! Re-reading the above, I realize that I inadvertently mentioned Justin Grey twice. I have to learn either to write slower or think faster.
No harm done, though. Everyone could use more publicity in this blurred world of ours, right?
Whoops again. I spelled your surname GrEy instead of GrAy.
You deserve an A. You’re certainly an A-lister!
As for me, I’d better quit while I’m behind.
Not a problem! You got the first name right which is also often mistaken! Being an A lister is big compliment in this board. There are a lot of A++ contributors and I’m just trying to keep up!
Jonah hanging 10 surfing a whale of a ride.
“I am the Jonah Brother.”
“Jonah, Book II”
What a big mouth wave you got there man!
“Vomit shomit, this is how you get out of a whale. “
” Baruch atah adonai eloheinu melech haolam borei ha surf board. “
” My name is Jonah and I’m a beach boy. I surf with a whale, I’m not a goy.”
” Which way is Tarshish ? “
“Narly Dude! Shanah tovah Duuuude!”
Call me G. I. Jo ( Gastro-Intestinal Jonah) !
Na-na na-na Nineveh.
This should be good for a few belly laughs.
Thou shalt not hang ten.
Marvin and Dale, the rest and recuperation between contests did you good–you’re both sharper than ever. “Call me G. I. Jo” is brilliant, and “Na-na na-na Nineveh” even manages to channel the early Robin Williams in his “Mork and Mindy” days. And you Rokaches are closing in fast with two winners–there must be something in the air in Silver Spring. I could go on, but why bother–all you guys are making it harder for the rest of us. I feel like the performer who has to go on after Bob Hope or Woody Allen. Sheesh! 🙂
Thanks G.L. for your gracious comments! My secret to attempted success is access to French brandy (cognac). A little drink here, and a little drink there, does wonders for the imagination. By the way, I owe you so many drinks for your kind words over the past months, that I’m compelled to buy you a bar! Keep-up your special replies, and I will add a restaurant to the bar. (I am sure all your admirers would like to contribute!)
Thanks, Gerald: Whale done!
” First stop Ninevah, next stop Surf Taco. “
“Laughing all the way to the bank.” ( That’s river bank, and you would laugh too, if you were in my place and escaped! )
Marvin, Will Rogers used to tell the story of a man he knew who drank in order to steady his nerves. Will Rogers concluded: “Pretty soon he drank so much, his nerves were so steady, he couldn’t move at all.”
As far as owning a bar is concerned, I’d never want any of your or Dale’s priceless words to be barred.
“I don’t surf the Web, I surf the seas
And even bring giants to their knees.
I’m rough and tough and curse and shout,
No one would dare to throw me out.
Wherever I go, I am the King.
(Of course, throwing me UP’s a dIfferent thing.)”
Can you beach yourself in Miami?
With knowledge of whale anatomy, Jonah proclaims that being “down and out” is sometimes a good thing.
Dinah, nice job on the Cartoon Collections win!
“Let Pinocchio out and I’ll leave you be.”
“Hey bud, let’s party!”
Marvin, you’re getting better and better and better and better. If there were an Academy Award for captioning, I’d nominate you.
How can you keep hitting the mark? It’s uncanny.
“This beats fasting.”
Marvin, don’t let all this well-deserved praise go to your head so that you start examining where all the creativity comes from and you become paralyzed with indecision as you start trying to replicate your success. Remember the famous centipede?
“A centipede was happy quite,
Until a frog in fun
Said, ‘Pray, which leg comes after which?’
This raised her mind to such a pitch,
She lay distracted in a ditch
Considering how to run.” 🙂
“And you thought GERD was bad!”
“No sign of Captain Ahab.”
In the belly of the beast, Jonah declared that he was a source of human pollution. Therefore, he expelled himself from his surroundings even though the whale was totally consumed with him.
“The original X-treme Orcadontist!”
Russell Bogen
russwillie1@gmail.com
“Gnarly dude! Stop already with the ‘Jonah”. From now on . . . ‘call me Ismael’.”
Jonah went overboard in trying to shirk his duty.
Or maybe slightly better as:
In trying to shirk his duty, Jonah went over-board!
Jonah surfed on a piece of the Whaling Wall.
I like the Whaling Wall.
(Q) What does Quasimodo have in common with some whales?
(A) A humpback.
+++
(Q) What do Boat Captains have in common with some whales?
(A) They are pilots.
+++
(Q) What do compromised security guards have in common with some whales?
(A) A breach.
When the sea didn’t part, Moses got creative!!
Great one, Jon! I predict it will be a finalist!
“Say Jon-ahhhhhh”
Jonah’s HIGH WATER MARK was when he turned the TIDE (of despair), and went with the FLOW (of freedom).
+++
Please tell Gerald Lebowitz that my centipede doesn’t “croak.” He manages to be ambulatory and stand tall.
“I’ve ridden in a hatchback before but this is my first time in a humpback”
“Hey big buddy, do you have any place for me to sit?” – A question Jonah would later regret.
“Keep your mouth open. Jiminy Cricket and Pinocchio are right behind me.”
Jonah’s adventure made him the JEWhale ( Jewel ) of the “boogie woogie” board riders.
After Jonah’s remarkable experience, he was obliged to join the local fisherman’s Catch & Release Program.
From the bowels of the beast, Jonah screamed, “CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?”
I just met with the Prince of Whales.
While in the mouth of the whale, Jonah complained that his body was covered with Blubber Gum.
“Arrivederci, Geppetto!”
“Surf time! Who’s in?”
“No one will ever believe this. I’ll just say the whale vomited me out.”
“If a movie is ever made of this, I want me played by my descendant, the actor Jonah Hill.”
“That settles it! They’re telling my story on a fast day.”
“Best whale watch ever!”
“The Jew abides!”
Funny :^)
“This is more than a fluke!”
“Whales have uvulas? Who knew?”
“I say cowabunga with chutzpah!”
“Arrivederci, Pinocchio!”
Jonah now enjoys an Ocean Breeze cocktail “belly wash” with no more “bellyaching” from him!
After Mastro Geppetto read the story of Jonah, he announced, “Where there’s a whale, there’s a way!”
“Hanging ten, but I don’t mean Haman’s sons.”
As Jonah had a bad experience being in the mouth of the whale, he nicknamed his boogie board, “PLATZ!”
The Love Goddess, Judy Tenuta, might have awarded Pinocchio a trophy. The inscription on the trophy would have included: “To the greatest Stud Puppet that ever existed. YASHER KOACH.”
In closing, permit me to say, “It could happen!” Thanks for your Judyism, and please have a Happy Hump(back) Day! From Marvin & Fans.
Dinah, that was ingenious, taking a popular surfing expression and linking it to a minor biblical story to start a creative flame that brightens our whole sky. Thanks for showing us how it could be done.
” I’m riding on ambergris .”
(Q) What would Jonah’s whale have to say, if he could talk?
(A) “This Jewish food taste terrible, and I can’t digest it either!”
+++
OR: ” I can’t stomach you, so never come back!”
+++
OR: ” In this case, that wooden tongue depressor makes me spit-out what’s in my mouth!”
“Make way for the prophet of cool!”
“Gesundheit!”
If Captain Ahab would have watched Jonah surfing out of the mouth of the whale, he would have spouted, “THAR SHE BLOWS!”
“Hasta la vista, baby beluga!”
Stephen, “Gesundheit” is only one word, but often less is more, and your short caption, like cream, certainly rises to the top, showing the optimism and buoyancy of a sage who smoothly takes things as they come yet is gratified by his freedom from the confining innards of the whale.
Speaking of uvulas, which you did in your June 16 comment, did you see the cover of the latest issue of Mad magazine (#8) with Alfred E’s face in a giant mouth and the words “From the uvula gang of idiots” accompanying the drawing?
Great minds do think alike, I guess.
Thanks so much, Gerald. I just looked up the MAD magazine cover. I think it’s pretty gross. Still, you have to admire anyone punning on the word uvula.
(Q) What was Jonah’s biggest undertaking?
(A) Jonah tried to establish a “SHARE A RIDE” program.
(Q) Was Jonah successful?
(A) No, because of lack of participation in the program.
***
(Q) Did anyone else try a similar operation?
(A) Yes, it was written that Mister Geppetto was involved in a similar “SHARE A RIDE” program later.
(Q) Was he successful?
(A) No, a book explained that his plan didn’t work also, and he was literally washed-out.
Stephen, even under the threat of a severe tongue-lashing I wouldn’t be able to think of a way to pun on the word “uvula.”
Rhyming, you know, is as much fun as punning. For years the word most people thought couldn’t be rhymed was “orange.” Of course you could stretch that a little and rhyme it with “door hinge,” not exactly a match but close enough.
The neatest rhymes I’ve ever heard come in the second verse of the song “Put on a Happy Face” from the musical “Bye Bye Birdie,” written in the 1960’s by Lee Adams. Here they are, in lines 1 and 3:
“Take off that gloomy mask of tragedy,
It’s not your style.
You’ll look so good that you’ll be glad ya de-
Cided to smile.”
The nearest contender to mastering the magic of wordplay today is, in my book, Lin-Manuel Miranda, as nice a guy, so I’m told, as he is talented. 🙂
The most outlandish rhyme I can think of off the top of my head comes from the song “You Could Drive a Person Crazy” by Stephen Sondheim from “Company”–
When a person’s personality is personable,
He should not sit like a lump.
It’s harder than a matador coercin’ a bull
To try to get you off of your rump.
While it’s not rhyming, how about:
U-vu-la-la-la, la-la-la-la…(it sings? oops, there’s a claus against that).
Dale, do you view la-la’s in your sleep?
La-la’s, yes – and a few do-re-mi’s, too :^)
A delicacy in Alaska is the Whale Kishka to honor Jonah and the whale, because they are Intuit.
Stephen, speaking of Sondheim, here is a section of a song from “Sweeney Todd,” (you know the plot) sung by the demon barber and his accomplice, Mrs. Lovett, (who takes the barber’s victims and cooks them into pies to sell in her pie shop). It’s filled with puns and marvelous lyrics. Both the barber and Mrs. Lovett are pantomiming their plans. Delightful if one’s not too squeamish!
TODD
What is that?
MRS. LOVETT
It’s priest.
Have a little priest.
TODD
Is it really good?
MRS. LOVETT
Sir, it’s too good,
At least.
Then again, they don’t commit sins of the flesh,
So it’s pretty fresh.
TODD
(looking at it)
Awful lot of fat.
MRS. LOVETT
Only where it sat.
TODD
Haven’t you got poet
Or something like that?
MRS. LOVETT
No, you see the trouble with poet
Is, how do you know it’s
Deceased?
Try the priest.
TODD
(“tasting” it)
Mmm. Heavenly.
MRS. LOVETT
Not as hearty as bishop, perhaps, but
not as bland as curate, either.
Mrs. Lovett presents another imaginary pie:
MRS. LOVETT
Lawyer’s rather nice
TODD
If it’s for a price
MRS. LOVETT
Order something else, though, to follow,
Since no one should swallow
It twice.
TODD
Anything that’s lean.
MRS. LOVETT
Well, then, if you’re British and loyal,
You might enjoy Royal
Marine.
Anyway, it’s clean.
Though, of course, it tastes of wherever it’s been.
TODD
(looking past her to
imaginary oven)
Is that squire
On the fire?
MRS. LOVETT
Mercy no, sir,
Look closer,
You’ll notice it’s grocer.
TODD
Looks thicker.
More like vicar.
MRS. LOVETT
No, it has to be grocer — it’s green.
Todd laughs as the glorious waltz theme returns:
TODD
The history of the world, my love–
MRS. LOVETT
Save a lot of graves,
Do a lot of relatives favors…
TODD
–Is those below serving those up above.
MRS. LOVETT
Everybody shaves,
So there should be plenty of flavors…
TODD
How gratifying for once to know
BOTH
(indicating barber shop
above)
–That those above will serve those down below!
The music continues under:
MRS. LOVETT
Since marine doesn’t appeal to you,
how about rear admiral?
TODD
Too salty. I prefer general.
MRS. LOVETT
With or without his privates? —
“With” is extra.
Todd chortles as Mrs. Lovett offers another pie with a
particular, flamboyant panache:
TODD
What is that?
MRS. LOVETT
It’s fop.
Finest in the shop.
Or we have some shepherd’s pie peppered
With actual shepherd
On top.
And I’ve just begun.
Here’s a politician — so oily
It’s served with a doily–
Have one?
TODD
Put it on a bun.
(She looks at him
quizzically)
Well, you never know if it’s going to run.
MRS. LOVETT
Try the friar.
Fried, it’s drier.
TODD
No, the clergy is really
Too coarse and too mealy.
MRS. LOVETT
Then actor–
That’s compacter.
TODD
Yes, and always arrives overdone.
(he is suddenly dark and
purposeful)
I’ll come again when you
Have Judge on the menu…
The music vamps deliciously as:
MRS. LOVETT
True, we don’t have Judge — yet —
but would you settle for the next best
thing?
TODD
What’s that?
She offers him a butcher’s cleaver:
MRS. LOVETT
Executioner.
He takes the cleaver, feels the heft of it. Feels good.
Then he picks up her wooden rolling pin, hands it to her, as
the music builds into the triumphant waltz:
TODD
Have charity towards the world, my pet–
MRS. LOVETT
Yes, yes, I know, my love–
TODD
We’ll take the customers that we can get.
MRS. LOVETT
High-born and low, my love.
TODD
We’ll not discriminate great from small.
No, we’ll serve anyone–
MRS. LOVETT
We’ll serve anyone–
BOTH
And to anyone
At all!
And all sung to a demonic waltz. It’s the only time Sweeney gives Lovett the attention she craves from him.
“Could I leave you?,” a show-stopping song from Sondheim’s “Follies.” Sung by an embittered wife, it builds to an almost unsustainable pitch.
PHYLLIS:
Leave you? Leave you?
How could I leave you?
How could I go it alone?
Could I wave the years away
With a quick goodbye?
How do you wipe tears away
When your eyes are dry?
Sweetheart, lover,
Could I recover,
Give up the joys I have known?
Not to fetch your pills again
Every day at five,
Not to give those dinners for ten
Elderly men
From the U.N.–
How could I survive?
Could I leave you
And your shelves of the World’s Best Books
And the evenings of martyred looks,
Cryptic sighs,
Sullen glares from those injured eyes?
Leave the quips with a sting, jokes with a sneer,
Passionless lovemaking once a year?
Leave the lies ill-concealed
And the wounds never healed
And the games not worth winning
And-wait, I’m just beginning!
What, leave you, leave you,
How could I leave you?
What would I do on my own?
Putting thoughts of you aside
In the south of France,
Would I think of suicide?
Darling, shall we dance?
Could I live through the pain
On a terrace in Spain?
Would it pass? It would pass.
Could I bury my rage
With a boy half your age
In the grass? Bet your ass.
But I’ve done that already–or didn’t you know, love?
Tell me, how could I leave when I left long ago, love?
Could I leave you?
No, the point is, could you leave me?
Well, I guess you could leave me the house,
Leave me the flat,
Leave me the Braques and Chagalls and all that.
You could leave me the stocks for sentiment’s sake
And ninety percent of the money you make.
And the rugs
And the cooks–
Darling, you keep the drugs.
Angel, you keep the books,
Honey, I’ll take the grand,
Sugar, you keep the spinet
And all of our friends and–
Just wait a goddam minute!
Oh, leave you? Leave you?
How could I leave you?
Sweetheart, I have to confess:
Could I leave you?
Yes.
Will I leave you?
Will I leave you?
Guess!
Modern day JONAH’S WHALE CLUBS:
(1) Avoid anorexia by joining JONAH’S WHALE WATCHERS CLUB.
(2) Get wealthy by joining JONAH’S WHALE OF FORTUNE CLUB.
(3) Help ocean life by joining JONAH’S FREE WILLY WHALE CLUB.
The future of the American musical lies on the path pioneered by Lin-Manuel Miranda. His background is in hip-hop and his style is much more free-wheeling than Sondheim’s, but it’s alive! Here are his opening lyrics from “Hamilton,” which blew away the Obamas when Miranda sang the lyrics to them at a White House ceremony before the show opened on Broadway. I love it. What do you think?
AARON BURR:
How does a bastard, orphan, son of a whore and a
Scotsman, dropped in the middle of a forgotten
Spot in the Caribbean by Providence, impoverished, in squalor
Grow up to be a hero and a scholar?
JOHN LAURENS:
The ten-dollar Founding Father without a father
Got a lot farther by workin’ a lot harder
By bein’ a lot smarter
By bein’ a self-starter
By fourteen, they placed him in charge of a trading charter
THOMAS JEFFERSON:
And every day while slaves were being slaughtered and carted
Away across the waves, he struggled and kept his guard up
Inside, he was longing for something to be a part of
The brother was ready to beg, steal, borrow, or barter
JAMES MADISON:
Then a hurricane came, and devastation reigned
Our man saw his future drip, drippin’ down the drain
Put a pencil to his temple, connected it to his brain
And he wrote his first refrain, a testament to his pain
BURR:
Well the word got around, they said, “This kid is insane, man!”
Took up a collection just to send him to the mainland
“Get your education, don’t forget from whence you came, and
The world’s gonna know your name! What’s your name, man?”
ALEXANDER HAMILTON:
Alexander Hamilton
My name is Alexander Hamilton
And there’s a million things I haven’t done
But just you wait, just you wait
ELIZA HAMILTON:
When he was ten, his father split, full of it, debt-ridden
Two years later, see Alex and his mother, bed-ridden
Half-dead, sittin’ in their own sick
The scent thick
COMPANY:
And Alex got better but his mother went quick
GEORGE WASHINGTON and (COMPANY):
Moved in with a cousin, the cousin committed suicide
Left him with nothin’ but ruined pride, somethin’ new inside
A voice saying “(Alex) you gotta fend for yourself”
He started retreatin’ and readin’ every treatise on the shelf
BURR and (COMPANY):
There would’ve been nothin’ left to do
For someone less astute
He would’ve been dead or destitute
Without a cent of restitution
Started workin’, clerkin’ for his late mother’s landlord
Tradin’ sugar cane and rum and other things he can’t afford
(Scammin’) for every book he can get his hands on
(Plannin’) for the future, see him now as he stands on (oooh)
The bow of a ship headed for a new land
In New York you can be a new man
COMPANY and (HAMILTON):
In New York you can be a new man (Just you wait)
In New York you can be a new man (Just you wait)
In New York you can be a new man
WOMEN:
In New York
MEN:
New York
HAMILTON:
Just you wait
COMPANY and (COMPANY):
Alexander Hamilton (Alexander Hamilton)
We are waiting in the wings for you (waiting in the wings for you)
You could never back down
You never learned to take your time
Oh, Alexander Hamilton (Alexander Hamilton)
When America sings for you
Will they know what you overcame?
Will they know you rewrote the game?
The world will never be the same, oh
BURR and (COMPANY):
The ship is in the harbor now, see if you can spot him
(Just you wait)
Another immigrant comin’ up from the bottom
(Just you wait)
His enemies destroyed his rep, America forgot him
MULLIGAN/MADISON AND LAFAYETTE/JEFFERSON:
We fought with him
LAURENS/PHILLIP:
Me? I died for him
WASHINGTON:
Me? I trusted him
ANGELICA SCHUYLER, ELIZA, MARIA REYNOLDS:
Me? I loved him
BURR:
And me? I’m the damn fool that shot him
COMPANY:
There’s a million things I haven’t done
But just you wait
BURR:
What’s your name, man?
HAMILTON & COMPANY:
Alexander Hamilton!
If we hurry we can catch the ARK!!
A quote from Captain Ahab: “I have an obsessive attachment to Moby Dick!”
+++
A quote from Jonah: “I forgot my bathing suit & goggles.”
+++
A quote from yours truly (Marvin): “I prefer my “surf & turf” in a restaurant.”
Do you Noah what I Noah?
I Noah that Captain Ahab could have used a bigger & better Whale Harpoon.
+++
I Noah that Jonah was so surprised and overwhelmed, that he wet his pants.
***
I Noah the true meaning of “TAKING THE PLUNGE!”
+++
Dale: Did you Noah the same things?
Marvin,
I Noah about the first one and I Noah about the third one, but I didn’t Noah about #2 being #1!
Thanks, Dale
AHOY Dale: (#2) occurred when Jonah was swallowed by the wet mouth of the whale, thereby wetting Jonah’s pants (#1). But, chances are that Jonah also added to the wetness of his pants. Unfortunately, to add insult to tragedy, this could be construed as a “stain” on the story of Jonah and the whale. Now, you Noah as much as I Noah!
Enjoy a whale of a day, Marvin
I feel like a dentist as I peer into the mouth of this site to discover–a cavity! One of our esteemed regulars is missing. The big gap is the space usually occupied by Adrian Storisteanu. Where is he? I’m looking for the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth. I hope that he’s all right and his two beautiful granddaughters are all right. They visited him last year at this time and he temporarily stopped submitting in order to give them his attention. Or perhaps the only reason he’s absent is his claustrophobia at even contemplating being trapped in the belly of a whale.
Adrian, the new cartoon may be joshing, but these words aren’t. Let us know you’re OK? Thanks.
Thank you for the – always – kind words, Gerald! You’re the best at rallying the troops.
I’m just taking a summer break (it’s too hot to handle the tooth…) from this serious funniness business, though I do drop by now and then for a chuckle. All’s good! : – )
Oops, I found another cavity! This time we’re missing an incisor known as Scott Evans (I’d classify Adrian as a wisdom tooth). Scott’s contributions have always been sharp and clever and are sorely missed. I hope that he reads this and feels guilty enough to return.
(By the way, I trust that nobody will turn me in for practicing dentistry without a license.)
Hanging Ten Commandments
“Kasher Kahuna Kahane backdoors Wahine the Whale”
“I’m a good-will ambassador whose job is to protest the resumption of commercial whaling.”
”Kasher Kahuna Kahane backdoors Wahine the Whale”
I’m having a whale of a time. THAT”S FUNNY! HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAA!!!!! Get it? I’m in a whale and I said “I’m having a whale of a time” HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA! Oh, my God, that’s funny! HAHAHAHA!!!! Okay, here’s why it’s funny. You see, when someone says “whale of a time” that ordinarily means they are just having a good time, but in this case I’m coming out of an actual whale! That’s really funny! HA HA HA HA! You know what I like best about humor? The fact that it’s funny. If it wasn’t funny I would care for it. Some people think my jokes are fishy. HA HA! Did you see what i just did? Even though a whale is a mammal it still looks like a fish and I used the word “fishy”! HAHAHAHA!!!! Now you can double your entertainment pleasure because in addition to laughing hysterically at the hilarious “whale of a time” joke you can also chuckle helplessly at the riotous “fishy” gag. That’s double the laughter – double the fun! HAHAHAHAHAHA! I think humor is a good thing.
To Brad,
That’s a great monologue, taken in context. I picture it uttered by the Joker, newly escaped from Arkham, taunting a captured Batman who is tied to a chair and forced to endure his captor’s taunts as the Joker delivers his lines with increasing intensity pacing around the room. Will the Batman escape? Perhaps you’ll tell us as you conclude this exciting confrontation? 🙂
P.S. I’m sure your line “If it wasn’t funny I would care for it” is really meant to read “I wouldn’t care for it,” yes?
Thanks for contributing.
Brad, again: Other contributors to this site have done what you have. Jim Gorman, for example, wrote a very funny sketch for one of our past contests.
Please let us hear from you again. Thanks.
If anyone reads the Jewish Week, may I call attention to a superbly written article in the latest issue by our own Joshua Rokach on a recent Supreme Court decision regarding a huge cross maintained by taxpayer dollars in his home state of Maryland. Joshua, you are a triple threat: a fine journalist, a Yale law school graduate and retired appellate lawyer, and, closer to the bone, a very funny man besides. There’s hope for the future of this country as long as someone like you is around. Thanks for your voice.
Let’s go to Luckenbach Texas
With Whaling Willie and the boys.
I just wanted to spout off, so Shamu me.
Thanks for baleen me out.
What we whaley need is a total moratorium on whale hunting!
Stephen,
I guess you read that after 67 years, Mad magazine will be coming off newsstands (after issue 10) and will stop publishing new content except for year-end specials. I wonder if this move has any connection to our discussion of its uvula cover. I hope not. At least Al Jaffee’s still alive at 98, bless his soul.
Actually, we don’t really need the circumscribed Mad magazine anymore anyway today with Trump as president. The whole country has become the magazine, making “the usual gang of idiots” look brilliant by comparison.
I wish I were kidding.
What – Me Whale?
For Dale Stout
You ARE a whale, without a doubt,
Except it’s good cheer that you spout.
Thank you, Gerald. I like “Dale the Whale” – it sings!
The news of the closing of Mad magazine reminds me of a post I made a couple of years ago, tongue-in- cheek, of course, linking the announcement of the closing of the Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Bailey Circus after 146 years to Trump’s inaugural festivities, both events occurring at around the same time in January 2017. Just as the private circus realized that it could never compete with the enormously larger public circus that our new president was bringing in, so Mad has realized that it could never begin to compete with the national madness around us.
Am I stretching things THAT much? If I am, forgive me. 🙂
Personally, I am mad that MAD MAGAZINE is not mad enough to continue a mad literary approach. After all, we have way too many “holier than thou” writing scripts. We need to form pods like whales to better our lives and increase our survival rate. We do live in a “Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World!” Even the American Women’s Soccer Team formed a pod to create success. You might say that they were properly “poddy” trained. Now, we Americans can pretend to sip tea and refuse to meet the President of the United States. How many more examples do I need to illustrate my position. Or, you can continue to read this blog and reach madness with me and others.
I like all of this. I must also stop eating Tide Pods, or I’ll end up in the Ty-D-Bol without poddy training! A whale of a tale, from Dale (and Marvin, et al).
Madly, yours :^)
AHOY MATE: If whales could be properly “poddy” trained by humans, then on command they would comply. So when a seaman hollows, “BLOW BALLAST,” then I know a pod of whales would make tsunami-like waves.
“What me worry?” No, because I am a land lubber! Marvin :^)
Live bait is now off the menu.
It’s all about the Benjamins, Schwartz.
(Kudos to the cartoonist!)
What can you surmise about a camouflage whale? Well, it appears to me to be a sea creature that you can’t really see. Suffice it to say, this is really not a whale of a joke, but only a little soFISHticated humor!
I booked this tour on Kayak.
In the news: A man on a fishing trip had a conNIPtion after being struck by a sea creature. It turns out that the sea creature wasn’t the Right Whale that he imagined!
Hang ten! Commandments!
Hang ten commandments!
This is how the bro’sher roll.
Kosher bro? Sure!
Bro;sher!
Dale and Marvin, watching you expertly go back and forth is like being treated to watching Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal volley on the tennis courts.
Here’s a challenge. There are many jokes in which the pun(ch) line consists of only two words. Here are two examples. Can you think of any more?
(1) Man rings doorbell. Young housewife answers. He says, “I’m conducting a poll for Playboy magazine. What is your opinion of multiple orgasms?” Housewife, puzzled, scratches her head: “Come again?”
(2) Man falls, cuts head and rushes to doctor, who says, “This is pretty bad. I’m afraid I’ll have to give you stitches. Man: “Oh, no, I’ll take care of it.” “Doctor: “Suture self.”
Keep up the volleying, guys! Your humor keeps us all in stitches. 🙂
A famous Hollywood producer watches in amazement as lightning strikes his expensive yacht and it starts to sink. The producer spouts, “SMASH HIT!”
Marvin,
That’s like the stunned passerby who sees a house of worship on fire and gasps, “Holy smoke!”
(I know that’s terrible and terribly outdated. You must have heard that one at least fifty years or more ago when you were in kindergarten. Forgive me this time.)
A publisher’s ad copy to promote one of its offerings:
“187 YEARS OF PUBLISHING EXPERIENCE WENT INTO THIS BOOK!!’
(What it really boils down to: combined ages of author, editor, illustrator, printer, and binder.)
—From “How to Lie with Statistics” by Darrell Huff.
“He got disgusted with me when I told him that it wasn’t Moby Dick that I admired but Moby the alternative pop-rock musician. it seems we have different tastes.”
You might say that I do not qualify as an alternative pop-rock musician, but I have been called a MobyDickulous writer. 🙂
Marvin,
What do you call a spiritual teacher in Australia?
Answer: A kan-guru.
Sir Gerald ( This is from England, so I have addressed you accordingly ),
What is black and white and red all over?
Answer: A “bloody” Shamu.
Marvin, thank you for the title. Unfortunately I feel more benighted than knighted.
Sir Gerald: You are whale-come. Have a knighty-night no matter what kind of knight you are. (My bottle of brandy just ran-out, so I will push the snooze button myself.)
“News item: The Building Trades Unions were given a five percent increase in wages. That gave back to the men one-fourth of the twenty percent cut they took last winter.”
########
“Sounds reasonable on the face of it–but the decrease has been figured on one base–the pay the men were getting in the first place–while the increase uses a smaller base, the pay level after the cut.
“You can check on this bit of statistical misfiguring by supposing, for simplicity, that the original wage was $1 an hour. Cut twenty percent, it is down to 80 cents. A five percent increase on that is 4 cents, which is not one-fourth but one-fifth of the cut. Like so many presumably honest mistakes, this one somehow managed to come out an exaggeration, which made a better story.
“All this illustrates why to offset a pay cut of fifty percent you must get a raise of one hundred percent.”
—Again, taken from “How to Lie with Statistics,” by Darrell Huff.
Bulletin: So far, Dale the Whale has not been recorded in the last few hours. His “PODcast” followers are waiting to hear from him (including me)!
INTERRUPTION: Dale the whale has just been seen resting in a “sea bed.” Please, somebody wake him up and encourage him to report. I am now being inundated with more announcements that Dale the Whale will soon honor us with his “presents” and shenanigans.
Podcast is perfect-as well as blubber (flubber?).
I’m a bit dinghy from rowing my boat. (I’ve got that dinghy fever)
:^)
IMPORTANT RELIGIOUS NOTICE: 🙂
The Fast of Tammuz is coming up, to be observed this year on Sunday, July 21, beginning at daybreak (4:29am) and ending at nightfall (9:02pm).
Eating and drinking are strictly prohibited during these times with one notable exception: Observant Jews are now strongly encouraged to eat their fill of Tammuz’ English muffins to commemorate the tragedies that befell the Jewish people.
All rights to this holiday have been bought by Thomas Products, whose goal is to transform the baking industry and expand its global leadership to better serve more consumers.
It hopes that the Fast of Tammuz goes fast, but not too fast, and that one day the name of the day can be officially changed to the Fast of Thomas’.
Oy, gefilte!
Update: Dale the Whale was on his way to civilization, but spotted a sign on the beach that stated, “No Swimming In This Area!” So, he immediately did a fishtail and swam many miles out of his way trying to follow a different route to be with us. If only he would have used his GPS, then things would have been different. Charlie the Tuna is going to give him a big StarKISS when he arrives. So stay tuned for the latest!
“I’m off to meet my buddy the Silver Surfer at the Marvel exhibit at the San Diego Comic Con.”
ATTENTION: As the weather in some parts of the U.S. has produced torrential downpours and strong winds, poor Dale the Whale was forced to make a detour. He subsequently landed at Sea World and decided to visit. Believe it or not, the shy Dale the Whale entered the Park and tried to “ride” Shamu. Apparently, Shamu was Sha-Mooing then rebuffed his intentions, and Dale the Whale was forced to seek shelter in the Tunnel of Love of all places. Unfortunately, Dale the Whale is stuck in the tunnel, and Park Security Officials are presently trying to extricate him. As soon as he has FIN-ished this escapade, he will be back on schedule to return to us. Dale the Whale has learned his lesson, “Once smitten-twice shy.” Therefore, Dale the Whale will be more “bent out of shape” than ever. But, I am confident that he will limp home soon. Keep your thoughts and prayers for him until the next report.
BREAKING NEWS: With all this pollution in our environment including trash, plastics, methane gas, and other chemicals (such as pesticides), jellyfish, mad shark attacks, red tide, and even sea lice just to name a few, our beloved Dale the Whale has taken ill. He suffers from “blubbers syndrome” which is an aquatic form of constipation and crying. But don’t be overly concerned, he is being well treated by professional marine doctors including gastroenterologists, proctologists, and beautiful, talented mermaid nurses.
Let me digress now. Dale the Whale wouldn’t have all these problems if you (and those that surround you) would only contribute to this blog. That’s right, I blame you, your family, your neighbors, and your sexy friends. Put your hormones to better use! So, when you are in your bedroom waiting for that special moment, think about the honorable and scholarly Sir Gerald Lebowitz (A LOVER of literature) who has patiently encouraged you to add your expertise (or lack of expertise) to this blog. NO EXCUSES ACCEPTED! I am not as kind as others in my approach to motivate you. Therefore, I have solicited my expert named VOO DOO MisCHIEF to intervene. If you refuse to participate in this blog, then Madame MisChief will not only give you the VD treatment but you will sleep tonight on “pins and needles!” So while we are waiting to hear from Dale the Whale, put your thoughts in writing on this blog and at least let Dale the Whale know that we appreciate him. Thanks in advance for your participation. Further reports pending.
The whale has drank too much ale; let’s sail!
It’s fine, God can bail me out again.
The whale said I was finger lickin good!
“Some just can’t take a ribbing!”
“They’ll never believe this in shul–let’s keep it our little secret and stick with the original story.”
Don’t be a fool, stay in shul. :^)
I’m a hard act to swallow.
Kind of like that one Dale.
You can run but you can’t hide.
Eat your heart out, Ron Jon.
I was supposed to go somewhere…it’s on the tip of my tongue.
Dale, are you still TRIPPING OUT? You must have many tongue in cheek FISH TAILS as a result of your tripping.
Make love, not Whale Wars.
I was lampooned on the cover of National Harpoon.
Feed me, Seymour.
Moby Dick is uncircumcised.
Whales and surfing are totally tubular.
Dale,
Do you mean Moby Dick or Moby’s dick?
(Punctuation is everything.) 🙂
Answering that is a Tricky Dicky. :^)
Dale, on behalf of your fanatical PODcast, I am so JEWbilant to welcome you back! All your supporters (including myself) are so “relieved” (in more ways than one) to learn of your return, that our ears are ringing with the words, “BLOW BALLAST, BLOW FOG HORNS, and BLOW BLUBBER GUM!” With great relish, we are glad that you enjoyed your “fishing exhibition.” But, next time please try and SCALE back your time away as we need you here. Just don’t be a fish out of water, but a true whale of a man!!!!! 🙂
“Fast easy!”
Dale,
Your “I’m a hard act to swallow” is an almost impossible act to follow on so many levels. Suffice it to say that submitting now feels like the poor performer in vaudeville in the early twentieth century whose bad luck was to have his act follow Al Jolson, whom Bing Crosby called the greatest entertainer he had ever seen.
I hope all this praise doesn’t go to your head. Then you’d need to buy a bigger pillow!
Keep it up, though. You do raise the bar for the rest of us.
Today I am compelled to address my passionate women in this world waiting to hear words of wisdom. First of all, are you tired of watching T.V. and seeing and hearing racist and misogynistic comments? This is the new generation, as you don’t need to stand on corners at night or wait for your significant other to come home to make your day. Especially if your significant other has had a “hard stiff” day, but can’t rise to the occasion to satisfy you. The solution is to join with your companions here on your “FAITH BOOK” page. We don’t hate, we don’t bully, and we never discriminate. With good intentions, we only make humorous comments and not hateful or vicious remarks. Therefore, I beseech you to enter this blog with that feminine touch. Don’t disappoint me, because Madam Voo Doo Mischief is standing by!
Dale,
Of course if you raise the bar too high, you’ll make the drinkers among us very unhappy.
Cheers! 🙂
Gerald: In my case, I call that action BARbarism. Alcoholics Anonymous requires a 12 step program to stop one from drinking. No wonder my life is so complicated, I just can’t manage to be “steady on my feet” trying to imbibe with all these impositions.
DOUBLE-DOUBLE CHEERS! 🙂
Marvin,
Hmm, at a bar all you need is one-step up to drink. Yet AA requires TWELVE steps up to stop?
I wouldn’t play those odds.
“The call of the wild.” Is anyone listening to me (I be wild)?
All present creature life “walks” in the footprints of dinosaurs. So, even PIGS (like corrupted politicians, murders, gangsters, rapists, thieves, etc.) may have HAMmer toes from walking!
“Whoa dude, this story’s gonna make me the most righteous bro in Malibu!”
Marvin, if one really wants to stop drinking, all he has to do is pass the bar. Then, not only will he be sober, he’ll be able to practice law.
Gerald,
Then again, one can be drunk with ambition. Therefore, someone like Attorney General William BAR-R can uSURP the LIQUEUR laws, and pretend he has sober intentions!
Gerald,
In the Washington Post (7/17/2019) comic section, there is a cartoon where a therapist is talking to his client and says, “The real goal of therapy is to make me laugh.” Ref: REPLY ALL LITE By, Donna A. Lewis
Well, Gerald, you make a great therapist, and it is my intention to make you laugh (with others)! Marvin 🙂
moses was having a whale of a time -until the Japanese turned up!
One minute I’m king of the world, the next, lower than a whales’s belly.
Manna, you’ve got to try this.
This is my Mea Gulpa.
Dale,
My Mea Gulpa is a song by George Strait-Drinkin’ Man.
With all the trouble in the world ( including the White House ), the “News” is HARD to SWALLOW! But, a good DOSE of MEDICINAL BRANDY (‘Water of Life’) is tolerated much better and eases the distress of body and soul! Marvin :^)
Oh thank heaven for 7-Eleven and Big Gulps.
We’ll have fun, fun, fun ‘til our Daddy takes the surfboard away.
On the seventh day, I surfed.
“As soon as I teach it to eat a scuba diver, I’ll have a wet suit.”
Whale surfing is a “tongue-in- cheek” maneuver.
If you can’t fly, then walk; if you can’t walk, then swim; if you can’t swim, then say HELLO to the WHALES!
Dale: “On the seventh day, I surfed.” What chutzpah! With one caption you dare to change the tone of the entire Book of Genesis? 🙂
Marvin: Thanks for saying that I make you laugh. I couldn’t be a therapist, except maybe a massage therapist, and I couldn’t even be that because I might just rub some people the wrong way.
I once had a friend to whom I told what I thought was a funny story. When I finished, he stroked his chin and said, “That’s not a joke, you know.” “Oh, then what is it?” I asked. He answered, “A story with an amusing ending.”
OK. Just for you (and everyone else), here’s another story with an amusing (to me) ending, to be especially enjoyed either by classical concert goers or members of an orchestra.
The conductor of a great orchestra had a heart attack right before he was scheduled to conduct. The assistant director was on vacation. The artistic director asked whether there was anyone in the orchestra who had had any experience conducting. A modest man from the cello section came forward . He would have to do. That evening he gave a smashing performance followed by a thirty -minute ovation and fantastic praise in the next day’s newspapers. He conducted again and again and again to similar acclaim and took over the job . Only on the last day of the regular season did the regular conductor return, fully recovered from his heart attack, and resumed his place on the podium. His replacement returned to his own place in the cello section.
“Good to see you,” the cellist seated next to him said. “I missed you. Where have you been?”
Gerald: In reference to your cellist/conductor account, a poem by Richard Barham (1842) comes to my mind as follows:
“Superbe! Magnifique!” (with his tongue in his cheek.)
In addition, what can I deduce from a name like Barham? Do I venture to say that he comes from a family of alcoholics that are the “buttocks” of jokes? Thus the name Bar-ham! Do you agree (with no insult intended)? If so, I’LL DRINK to that if you are laughing, smiling, or scratching your head! (P.S.–I feel like someone just “massaged” my ego!) Marvin 🙂
Calvin Coolidge was the 30th president of the United States. He was a man of few words and had a dry sense of humor, and I have written about him before on this site. Now I want to write about him again and will unless Marvin points his loaded gun at me and threatens to shoot unless I stop.
President Coolidge and the First Lady were being shown around a large farm on separate tours. When Mrs. Coolidge observed a rooster mating, she asked the guide how frequently the bird managed to perform. The guide said that it was dozens of times each day. “Tell that to the president,” said Mrs. Coolidge.
Her message was dutifully conveyed to the president, who inquired, “Same hen every time?” The guide shook his head. “No,” he said. “The rooster mates with many hens.” To which the satisfied president responded, “Tell that to Mrs. Coolidge.”
Gerald,
That’s what I call a “COCK & BULL” story! (Do you now want to borrow my loaded gun and shoot me?)
Marvin 🙂
“This is not what you think. I just finished my dental internship.”
Flooded with praise, showered with cheers, and inundated with love. (Everyone should WHALE on this sightseeing expedition – if you are not on the inside looking out – if you get my drift!)
‘Though we gotta say goodbye, for the summer
Baby I promise you this
I’ll send you all my love every day in a letter
Sealed with a krill
The journey of a whale is measured in “LEAPS & POUNDS!”
“I won a two-night stay as a contestant on that very popular game show “Whale of Fortune.”
Gerald, you’ve won a two-night stay in beautiful Puerto Vallarta, compliments of Vanna, the great White Whale, from Whale of Fortune! (The spin stops here…uh, oh…spinning whales keep on turning…it’s the whale song that never ends, it just dives deeper and deeper my friends…)
“I’ve never been so insulted! This whale says that I gave him indigestion.”
“People don’t take trips; trips take people.” By, John Steinbeck.
The above statement applies when a whale swallows you,
others should WAVE Bon Voyage to you! (No need to forward your mail.)
“I liked it more when I was on the top of Mount Sinai.”
“The best things in life are free.” Just ask FREE WILLY, if you can find him.
Jim Henson died at 1:21 A.M. on Wednesday, May 16, 1990. He was fifty-three years old. At his service, a song that Jim loved very much was performed; it was from the 1975 musical “Snoopy” and was sung on ‘The Muppet Show’ in 1977:
“If just one person believes in you–
Deep enough, and strong enough, believes in you,
Hard enough, and long enough–
Before you knew it, someone else would think:
‘If he can do it, I can do it.’
………………..
And when all those people believe in you–
Deep enough, and strong enough believe in you,
Hard enough and long enough–
It stands to reason you yourself will start to see
What everybody sees in you …
And maybe even you
Can believe in you, too.”
(Thanks to Brian Jay Jones)
Whales in a pod have a “bubbly personality” that forces live food to the water surface.
This is known as a krill’n (killing) and feeding situation. (Referring to a big mouth whale as
an OLE BLOWHARD is an understatement!)
According to one of Newton’s laws of motion, for every action there is always opposed an equal reaction. Putting this into literary terms, we go from the sublime to the ridiculous. So to counterbalance my last post, here are two of the absolutely lowest jokes I can think of:
1) An old guy goes into a retirement home. Pretty soon he sees that he’s one of only three guys there. He sees a chance to earn a little cash. He puts up a notice on his door: “Sex for sale.”
Pretty soon an elderly lady knocks, “I saw your sign,” she says, “and I wonder how much you charge.”
The old guy says, “Five dollars for on the floor, ten dollars for on the couch over there, and twenty dollars for on the bed.” The lady opens her handbag and gives him a twenty.”
“You want to do it on the bed then?”
“No,” she says. “Four times on the floor.” ( I warned you.)
2) A woman’s husband dies. She calls the NY Times to place an obituary notice. The guy from the newspaper tells her that the paper charges by the word.
“OK,” she says. “Make it Feldstein dead.”
“You don’t understand,” the man from the newspaper says. “There’s a seventy-five-dollar minimum, and you get five words.”
The widow thinks for a minute. Then she says, “OK, make it Feldstein dead. Toyota for sale.”
Sorry but I was board down there.
I was just looking for The Whaling Wall.
There are three necessary elements to a Jewish joke: one who tells it, one who appreciates it, and one who doesn’t get it (similar to the the two Jews who need three synagogues, one for each one and one for them both to criticize). The humor that each joke-teller uses is like a fingerprint. The jokes that Milton Berle told were different from the ones told by Lenny Bruce; and the ones told by Lenny Bruce were completely different from the ones to be told by Jerry Seinfeld. And so on.
Here is a joke told by, of all people, the author Saul Bellow:
“Yankel Dombrovsky, of the shtetl of Frampol, is 42 years old, unmarried, generally frightened of women. Recently arrived from a neighboring shtetl is Miriam Schneider, a young widow. A meeting is arranged. Terrified, Yankel turns to his mother for advice.
“Yankel, darling son, please not to worry. All women like to talk about three things. They like to talk about food, family and philosophy. Bring these up and I’m sure your meeting will go well.”
Miriam Schneider turns out to be 4’8″, weighs about 230 pounds, and has an expressionless face.
Oy, thinks Yankel, oy and oy. What was it Mama said? Oh, yes, food. “Miriam,” he asks, “do you like noodles?”
“No,” says Miriam in a gruff voice. “I don’t like noodles.”
Veh es meer. What did Mama say next? Oh, yes, family.
“Miriam,” he asks, “do you have a brother?”
“Don’t got no brother,” Miriam replies. Worse and worst.
What was the third thing Mama said? Philosophy, that’s right.
“Miriam,” Yankel asks timorously, desperately trying to save the situation: “If you HAD a brother, would HE like noodles?” 🙂
Stephen, FYI:
Liana Finck has a new book coming out on September 24 titled “Excuse Me: Cartoons, Complaints, and Notes to Self,” containing more than 500 pieces. The publisher is Random House.
Happy reading!
An adult male whale is called a BULL. An adult female whale is called a COW. A young whale is called a CALF. Therefore, you might say that these animals belong to an “underwater ranch.” But, it would be very difficult to corral a BULL whale or milk a female whale COW or breed a young whale CALF. The answer to this conundrum is not to be Bull-Headed yourself but go whale watching. Don’t COWer when you spot whales, but stand tall and enjoy the view. When you see a young whale, then sing a song by CALF CALLOWAY!
THE HISTORY OF MEDICINE
2000 BC: Here, eat this root. It will make you strong.
1080 BC: Throw out that root and drink this potion; it is better for you.
250 AD: Get rid of that potion; it is bad for you. Take this herb instead.
1910: Get rid of this herb and take this potion; it is more effective.
1950: That potion is bad for you; here, take this drug.
2000: This drug is no longer effective; here, take this root.
(Thanks to Richard Horowitz, MD)
The sperm whale should be on your animal envy list. After all, the adult sperm whale has an enormous brain and an extremely large heart. The males often travel in pods with the females and enjoy an immense “explosive” sex life. Truly when males mate with females, they release a torrent of sexual material to fertilize the females. This action I compare to OLD FAITHFUL that shoots-out a strong spray that is the amazement of living creatures. The females are awash with a sense of ecstasy. So, as humans, when you are loaded down with all your sexual problems, just remember this scenario. With humans, when your head hurts then your sexual performance suffers. But with whales, their sexual encounter is blissful, and their heads don’t ache but are stimulated with endorphins. Now that’s what I call a WHALE of an accomplishment and the envy of all SEAMEN and their seafaring partners!
From David Brooks’ new book, “The Second Mountain: The quest for a Moral Life”:
“When J. F. Roxburgh, the headmaster of the Stowe School in Vermont, was asked in the 1920’s about the purpose of his institution, he said it was to turn out young men who were ‘acceptable at a dance, invaluable in a shipwreck.'”
Still not so bad a yardstick in determining how really educated a person is?