Prove Your Comedy Chops with Moment’s Cartoon Caption Contest
Welcome to the Moment Magazine Cartoon Caption Contest, founded with the help of New Yorker cartoon editor Bob Mankoff, and drawn by New Yorker cartoonist Ben Schwartz.
Do you have a way with words and humor? If so, look at the cartoon below and send us a caption—or two or three! Plus scroll down to vote for your favorite caption. It’s free and fun!
Winners may claim a free Moment subscription for a friend of family member. Contest open to U.S. residents 18 and above.
Plus: Read interviews with some of our most prolific caption contest contributors here.
Submit a caption for this cartoon by July 31 by writing it in as a comment at the bottom of this page!
Vote for your favorite caption by filling out the form immediately below!
“I’m gonna make you an offering you can’t refuse.”
—Paul Root Wolpe, Decatur, GA
“Don’t make us come up there.”
—Rich Wolf, Westminster, MD
“Are you from the Eternal Revenue Service?”
—Dale Stout, Colorado Springs, CO
“You may have made man, but I’m A made man”
This has been another fun contest. I was so glad to enter. I would like to personally thank everyone else who entered.
“Today you are a man. “
“Welcome to the auditions for “Fiddler in the Rough”.
“Shalom, you look like a real MENTCH!”
“Welcome, my MISHPACHA has finally arrived!”
“Greetings, your BRIS ceremony is in my delicate hands!”
“Boychik, do I have a woman for you!”
Congratulations, Paul, and, of course, Rich and Dale.
The verdict’s in; the judges didn’t fail.
To the old, goodbye; to the new, hello:
It’s another opening of another show.
Best to you all. Good submissions!
Thank you Gerald.
Thank you, Gerald. Between Wolpe and Wolf, I’m just Warp and Woof.
“I’ve been waiting 250,000 years. You’re now a MAN, my son!”
“Charles, how wonderful: four generations of family at your Bar Mitzvah.”
“You’ve evolved from ape to Abe.”
“You’ve evolved from ape to Shlomo sapiens.”
This would be better as “You’re one step away from Shlomo sapiens.”
Arkady,
Should the rest of us quit here?
You’ve set the bar almost impossibly high with your June 9, 17:18h caption suggestion.
Couldn’t you have waited a while? 🙂
Arkady’s entry was quite good and I almost quit, but then I went ape sh** with creativity as you can see below
“You’re all welcome at our renovated mikvah.”
“Shalom. I was waiting until you converted.”
“Thank G-d it’s you. I would’ve been afraid to perform a bris on the other three.”
“I have one piece of advice for you, my boy. If someone offers you an apple, don’t take it.”
“The assent of Manischewitz “
You don’t have to hide in the jungle “closet” anymore!”
You are not exactly “PUTTIN’ ON THE RITZ!”
“Now stop monkeying around and get a job!”
Mordecai Kaplan was right — we’re an evolving civilization!
What’s next — an orangutan on the Seder plate?
Mordecai Kaplan was right — we’re an evolving civilization!
Mazal Tov and Simian Tov!
Love it!!
We’ve recently had reconciliation with primates in Canada, Poland, and Ukraine.
hey, how about we gorilla some shishlik?
“You’re now exactly 250,013 years old—time for you to learn your bar-mitzvah haftorah.”
A vibrant Judaism goes beyond “monkey see, monkey do”!
I’m from Monsey, not monkey!
The Torah transcends the “infinite monkey theorem”!
Sukkot celebrates the Origin of (the 4) Species!
“I don’t know why Charles Darwin titled his book ‘The Descent of Man.’
Baruch Ha Shem, it looks more like an ascent to me.”
Were you in the movie, “ESCAPE FROM THE PLANET OF THE APES?”
What kind of story can be told at the beginning of a contest in which everyone is thinking of a new, creative approach? Here’s one, courtesy of David Wolpe (related to Paul Root Wolpe, one of our winners?):
A thousand years from now when scientists have solved all the questions that plague humanity, they are finally ready for the ultimate challenge. They elect a representative to address God.
“God,” says the scientist in charge. “You are no longer needed. You served a function in your day, but that day is gone. We can do everything that You can do, so goodbye.”
There is a moment of silence. Then a voice booms out of the sky. “EVERYTHING?”
“Yes,” answers the scientist, “everything.”
“Can you make a human being from dust?”
“Absolutely.”
“OK,” says God. “Let’s see you do it.”
The scientist reaches down and digs his hands into the earth.
“Oh, no,” says God.
“GET YOUR OWN DUST!”
Gerald, I hadn’t heard this story, and I am a big fan of Rabbi Wolpe. I enjoy his many offerings on YouTube. There exists a debate between Rabbi Wolpe and the late Christopher Hitchens. I recommend looking at it. I won’t post the link here because that gets me in trouble. I once had a comment removed by the editorial staff for a similar indiscretion. It is easy to look it up using a few keywords, and it would be worthwhile to do so. It contains a particularly powerful apologetic argument that compares a three-year-old child’s ability to understand G-d to that of an adult to do the same. And how much greater the gap between an adult’s intellectual capacity and that of, say G-d. He says it better, but it is a particularly appealing trope. Check it out if you are so inclined
Please rise for the Aleinu!
I thought I posted these on June 9, but they didn’t show up. So here you go!
+++
(1) “SHALOM, you look like a real MENSCH!”
(2) “Welcome, my MISHPACHA has finally arrived!”
(3) “Greetings, your BRIS ceremony is in my delicate hands!”
(4) “BOYCHIK, do I have a woman for you!”
Jim,
Thanks for the information. Rabbi Wolpe, you know, has a small weekly column in the Jewish Week. Here is a sample of one of his comments:
“Knowing where to find information is not the same as possessing it. Each fact we learn is arranged in the matrix of all we already know. One who knows how to Google ‘Shakespeare sonnets’ cannot be compared to the one who has memorized Shakespeare’s sonnets. The latter carries the words with him. The former is an accountant of knowledge; he knows where the treasure is, but it does not belong to him.
“Real education instills a desire for knowledge, not merely the tools to acquire it. We are shaped by what we know and what we yearn to know. The Talmud tells us that as a young man Hillel was so desperate for words of Torah that he climbed on the roof of the study house to hear the discourses of his great predecessors, Shemaya and Avtalion. Noticing the darkness, they looked up and saw the young man on the skylight, covered with snow. The Rabbis rescued Hillel, washed and anointed him, and sat him by the fire.
“’If you want to build a ship,’ wrote Antoine de Saint- Exupery, ‘don’t drum up people together to collect wood and don’t assign them tasks and work, but rather teach them to long for the sea.’
“First teach children to love learning; the Web will wait.”
Jim, my favorite Wolpe book is his 1999 “Making Loss Matter.”
Incidentally, if you want to read marvelous articles, look up some of our Joshua Rokach’s essays in The Forward. Not only is he an accomplished humorist, he’s a very incisive writer with a formidable wealth of knowledge.
Thanks again for your always great responses. It’s like lobbing a tennis ball across a net knowing reassuringly that it will always come back.
“Mr.Darwin, I presume?”
“Evolution, Smevolution. Let’s get you to my tailor!”
“I know it’s cold, but it looks like survival of the littlest!”
“Naturally, I selected you my boy!”
“Before our next meal, we should enjoy an APEritif!”
“Of your ancestors, you are at the APEx!”
Dinah, here’s a true story. A man living in Jerusalem came home unexpectedly late and realized with a jolt that because he was saying kaddish, he would need to say ma’ariv with a minyan. But services had ended at all the synagogues. What to do? He had an inspiration. He called nine cab companies and independently asked each one of them to send a driver to make his minyan and said that he would pay each one for his time. Everything worked out as he had hoped. But after the prayers were concluded, all the drivers strongly waved away payment, saying that they were glad to have performed the mitzvah, and then drove away.
Only in Israel. 🙂
“The military needs talented men like you with a background in GORILLA warfare.”
“I’ve been waiting for you. Unfortunately the other three don’t count for the minyan.”
“For the cookout, you will need a bib and a APEron.”
“Mazel tov. Come with me. Don’t worry about your ancestors. One day all apes will become apps.”
“First things first, my boy. Let’s put on tefillin.”
“It’s all about survival of the Yiddish.”
I like it.
I like it as well!!
“At the cookout, you can have an APErol SPRITZ!”
“Your pets van sit next to the women’s balcony.”
‘You misunderstood last week’s sermon. I said nudnicks, not nudenicks.”
“Thank you for observing our gun-free, no-concealed-carry zone.”
Conversion Express Station II: Bris
“Your Shatnez test results were positive.”
“Your pets can join us in the Social Hall for kiddush..”
“Your pets can stay for kiddush in the Social Hall.”
“The pets’ minyan meets in the Social Hal.”
Everybody, Group Hug.
Your nickname should be JUNGLE GYM. But, you can “exercise” your right to change it.
“Mammals have been assigned the upper deck.”
“I need to paint your picture for POSTERIOR purposes.”
“How could you possibly say that I failed the shatnez test? You’re just trying to pull the wool over my eyes.”
(Sorry, Dinah. I’ll repent during the high holidays.)
“Come in guys. We just needed four more for a minion.”
“Just in time for your Bar Mitzvah…Now you are a man!’
“Your mother is going to be thrilled to see that you’re finally standing up straight.”
“So what have you been up to all this time?”
“So how much longer before you evolve in to a doctor?”
Funny.
“Your invitation was for a dude ranch, not a NUDE ranch!”
My son, the Manthropologist.
I got heads, Darwin got the tail end.
Schlong time no see.
Is that your left hand, or are you growing an ape-pendedge?
Which came first, the chicken or the soup?
Ask a “nosher” about the word SCHMALTZ.
Foreskin and seven years ago…
Submitted by Ape Lincoln.
It’s the missing Monkevich.
“By walking upright, you avoided the MONKEY WRENCH back!”
If you are “stuck” in the past, then you must be using GORILLA GLUE!
“Rabbi, you’re too strict. Tell me, would a woolly mammoth pass the shatnez test?”
(Dinah, see what you started?)
In your “ape world,” bigamy means two lovers. But in the “modern world,” bigamy means two mothers-in-law.
Marvin, I can picture a Marx Brothers routine:
Chico: You know, I got two wives.
Groucho: My God, that’s bigamy.
Chico: You’re right. I support two families. It IS is big o’ me.
(For all I know, they MIGHT have used it. But thanks, Marvin, for the inspiration.)
5 kinds of APES:
(1) Bonobos (2) Chimpanzees (3) Orangutans (4) Gorillas (5) Humans / SOPHISTICATED APES ?!
“You can’t go to shul that way. You can wear my tallis.”
Gerald,
Is there a handicap section in your shul for ALTERKAKER SILVERBACKS?
Marvin,
No; GOLDbacks. We only take the best!
Gerald,
In that case, there is special brand underwear for ALTERKAKER GOLDbacks. The special BRAND underwear helps them JOCKEY for seating positions! 🙂
Marvin,
To clarify my previous post, just last week we had two applicants for the handicap section in my shul: a man named Silverstein and a woman named Goldstein. I’m sure you’ll accurately guess which person we took.
(She was very happy to have been chosen.)
Gerald,
The woman named GOLDstein must be a GEM of a person. A real BALABUSTA in her family, and not some YENTA!
Marvin,
Has it occurred to you that so many people who have the names of precious stones are Jewish? Consider “Gold.” Anyone having that surname almost has to be one of the chosen people. Or Diamond. Or Silver. Or Pearl. Or Ruby (remember Harry Ruby of Kennedy assassination fame?). Or Sapphire {Safire). Even the word “money” is “gelt” in German and Yiddish and is Jewish. I once knew an infamous Jewish landlord named Geltman.
There was a guy who was in love with a girl named Pearl. I later asked him why they split. He said, “I loved Pearl, that’s true, but I didn’t get along with the mother of pearl.’
At this point I expect a drumroll.
Oops! I meant JACK Ruby of Kennedy assassination fame. Harry Ruby was a famous songwriter way back when.
Oops 2: I should’ve been more careful and used the word “jewelry” instead of “precious stones” for accuracy in my previous comments. That’s what comes from writing too fast.
Gerald,
Your report on wealth begs the following scenario:
A man named Goldman was from Golden Colorado and had a golden retriever dog. He was a gold jeweler and specialized in gold coins from around the world. Mr. Goldman had a gold membership in Gold’s Gym and a gold elite status at the Marriott Hotel. By the way, he had many gold teeth and even a gold toilet in his house. He drove a golden Cadillac and his privately owned horse named Gold Nugget won the Gold Cup at the races.
Unfortunately, Mr. Goldman married a gold digger who absconded with much of his money. At this point, he considered that he possed “fool’s gold” which broke his heart. When Mr. Goldman died, he was buried in a cemetery near Golden Pond.
I could continue the story, but I am in my golden years with limited time to write more.
Marvin,
What can I say? There isn’t much,
Except to say you still have that golden touch.
(Be careful, though. Remember what happened to King Midas. 🙂 )
You could have been “Tarzan of the Apes.” But, by MESSING AROUND in the bushes you became a CHEETAH!
Marvin,
I’d rather be Tarzan of the apes. He was supposed to be a real swinger. When he was making movies, he could be found in Los Angeles at the corner of Hollywood and Vine.
Gerald,
Tarzan was a conflicted creature since he had to choose from his beautiful Jane and his gorilla family. This was forced upon him when humans approached his world. In his early upbringing, he was affectionate with the feminine apes. As it turned out, he really was a “swinger” in the jungle and chose to be TARZAN THE APE MAN to the detriment of his Jane! As the old saying goes, “You can take Tarzan out of the Jungle, but you can’t take the jungle out of Tarzan!”
Cartoon idea: Man talks into phone:
“I have a great weight-loss plan. I make it my business to attend at least three virtual dinners a week.”
(I hope there won’t be any bidding war over this one! 🙂 )
Zero calorie food for thought.
Do you remember the T.V. program titled Paladin?
How about a new version:
Have Schlong–Will Travel
You say you want some evolution,
Well you know,
We all want to change the world
Boychiks, wassup?
Did you know Charles Darwin’s real name was Chaim Davidowutz?
Sorry guys, we’re out of talesim; we do have jock straps, however….
Welcome to a world of social distancing, masks, TRUMPANDEMIC and Zoom. Homo not so erectus anymore?
That’s why we have Viagra & Clorox. 🙂
“You need new clothes like a wildlife ZOOt suit.”
Good. Robert D. came back. So did Stephen. And Delano. And Jim. Now where is Adrian? Are his granddaughters visiting again and taking all his time?
Just trying to keep tabs. The more the merrier.
Hi Gerald! Inspiration is virally dangerous. Luckily, I’m safe…
Oy vey! My wife’s brothers all visiting at the same time!
There will be no monkeyshines around here.
At least you got top banana.
You call this your Doh Minion?
Tassels are hassles.
See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil: very good.
Stalin, Lenin and Marx agree: don’t make a monkey’s uncle out of me.
There was no Big Bang. More like Bada Bing, Bada Boom.
It’s a goy.
Naked you enter this world but go out in style.
Did you hear about the “Call of the Wild?” That’s WILD TURKEY BOURBON!
“You are a BEAST of a MAN!”
“So, you’ve finally mensched yourself!”
“So, you;ve finally mensched yourself!”
I never metamorphosis I didn’t like.
Brilliant . . . I like it!
Thank you, Jim!
Let’s not go out on a limb with golem.
“According to your medical analysis, you have been exposed to KING KONG FLU!”
Your DNA indicates that you are a cross between a Neanderthal and an Abominable Snowman. That makes you an Apeman with “BIG FOOTAGE!”
Welcome to the White Man’s world!
“Your SCHMECKLE is hysterical, I mean historical.”
“Today you are a man, so stop acting like an animal!”
“It was a long trek but you never gave up.”
I’ve been waiting ages for you!
“Special for you, a free BIKINI WAX at Madame Tussauds Museum!”
Who whispered, WAX ON–WAX OFF?
I was going through some papers, and the following quote popped out. Someone once sent it to me. I wish I could claim authorship, but I can’t. It’s well worth reading.
Jim, I think it will resonate with you:
“Everything is ambiguous. Everything is always shifting and changing, and there are as many different takes on any given situation as there are people involved. Trying to find absolute rights and wrongs is a trick we play on ourselves to feel secure and comfortable.”
Best to all, and welcome Joyce V., with your fresh response to our enigmatic cartoon.
Gerald, first let me join you in welcoming Joyce. Her caption is wonderfully simple and yet like all the better captions it works on several levels.
Regarding your Pema Chödrön quote. No, I am not that well read. I am just very good at finding quotes on the web. Once again you opened the door. Now stand back . . .
I am assuming you have something specific in mind when you quote “there are as many different takes on any given situation as there are people involved”, and this it is a beautifully apt quote today. In watching the TV coverage, the viewer could easily identify with Harry Lime in “The Third Man” and his view from the Ferris Wheel. He assumes each of those little ants running around is of little consequence to the big picture. But we can’t help ourselves and looking closer we each have our different “takes”. to quote Shakespeare “Therein lies the rub”.
Some will see a wonderfully multiracial, multicultural, assemblage of peaceful demonstrators expressing long pent up frustrations. Others see a rampage of mostly minority hooligans augmented by a smattering of white, overly indulged, largely Jewish ingrates. They see police cars burned out, business burned out, looters with purely selfish motivation. To others it is just “Spring Break” on steroids. I trust this is what you were thinking when you posted this quote. And I apologize for this dark comment on what should be a light hearted escape vehicle.
Hollywood producer Sam Goldwyn is reputed to have said “include me out” when asked to participate in something. But I’m no Sam Goldwyn. I don’t like to include anyone out. So let me not confine greetings to Joyce V. Let me add, among others, Rabbi Grumbacher, Ivan Greenberg, Charles Patterson, and Michael Landau.
(Be glad this isn’t “The Divine Comedy,” in which you’d be greeted with the ominous words “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”)
Gerald,
With reference to Sam Goldwyn and my following cartoon caption:
“You seem to have a CHIMP on your shoulder!” 🙂
With a little makeup, you can star in the next Planet of the Apes.
Welcome to mail-in voting.
Please, each of you needs a mask.
Call your mother. Use the missing CenturyLink.
We’ll have an open bar mitzvah.
Simon, someone’s making a Simian out of u.
What do ape astronauts drink? OranguTang.
We have to pay for everyone’s Medicare?!
From you, “hot women” acquire JUNGLE FEVER!
“Pets you would like are the SPIDER monkey and/or the SQUIRREL monkey.”
“Shalom. Are you the mensch that I’ve been waiting for all this time, or will there be someone even more evolved than you coming along?”
A Summary of Apeman
(Q) What kind of meat does a kosher Apeman NOT eat in the jungle?
(A) WartHOGS & PORKupines.
+++
(Q) What is the name an Apeman uses when he is uncouth and unclean?
(A) “Dirty Hairy.”
+++
(Q) What do you call an Apeman that goes crazy?
(A) “Bananas.”
“Reform. That’s good too!”
OR
“Reform? That’s good too.”
“Look at you, boychick! You came so far in just 5780 years.”
“Forget that meshugeneh Darwin, he is not one of us.”
“Shalom. I see you’ve met that meshugeneh Darwin on your way here.”
“Let’s forget that meshugeneh Darwin and his monkey business.”
“You can audition for the CHIMP-IN-DALES.”
Ooh ooh – give that man a banana! :^)
Dale,
In your honor the name has been upgraded:
CHIMP-IN-DALESTOUT !!!!! 🙂
Marvin,
Thank you for not calling me Chump-in-Dale! ;^)
Dale,
The correct name would be:
CHAMP-IN-DALE! 🙂
Adrian,
To borrow from that great philosopher Yogi Berra, “It’s deja vu all over again.” No, I don’t mean Mickey Mantle and Roger Maris hitting back-to-back homers. I mean quoting from the same comic strip that I quoted for you a long time ago, “For Better or for Worse” by Lynn Johnston, because I thought it would appeal to your granddaughters.
This week features seven panels. In the first panel the mother is brushing her long hair. Then, in the following balloons, she reminisces: “I remember when I was a little girl, watching my mother brush her hair in the wind.” She continues: “Her hair was long and gold colored, and I thought it was beautiful. I’d stand in the window where she couldn’t see me, wishing I had hair like my mother’s. Now, here I am, brushing my hair in the wind the way she did … and that wonderful memory comes back to me as clearly as if it were today.” And in the last panel we see her resuming the brushing of her long hair. But we also see her daughter standing in the window just as she once had, watching her wistfully.
A beautiful strip that your granddaughters might still enjoy. The artist, Lynn Johnston, has herself had a very interesting life.
All of you keep well and let us hear from you?
Wonderful posting (and wonderful Lynn comic strip), thanks Gerald! I see we are both suckers for this kind of lovely schmaltz…
Welcome to Rabbinical School – Your final stop on the evolutionary chain.
Funny!!! I will pass this along to my son, the Rabbi!!! (vs. the woman who adored her Rabbi so much she referred to him as “: My Rabbi, the sun!!”
Give me the “lovely schmaltz” anytime. Oscar Hammerstein II, you know, was often criticized for the sentimentality in his lyrics. Consider this from one of the songs in the Rodgers and Hammerstein musical “Carousel”:
Friend: I’m glad you gotta fella, Carrie! What’s he like?
(Music)
Carrie: His name is Mister Snow
And an upstandin’ man is he
He comes home ev’ry night in his round-bottomed boat
With a net full of herring from the sea.
An almost perfect beau
As refined as a girl could wish
But he spends so much time in his round-bottomed boat
That he can’t seem to lose the smell of fish.
The fust time he kissed me, the whiff from his clo’es
Knocked me flat on the floor of the room;
But now that I love him, my heart’s in my nose
And fish is my fav’rite perfume …
Anyway, it was more than good to hear from you. I trust all is well. Thanks.
Baruch Hashem! You have straighten out your act!
Think of that in this way, in the modern world you have those “MONKEYS OFF YOUR BACK!”
Cartoon idea: Waiter approaching the table of a seated couple in an upscale restaurant:
“Can I interest you in some disinfectant?”
(Sorry, you can’t win ’em all.)
Soap du jour?
Read “The Naked Ape” and view your ancestors UNCOVERED & REVEALED!
“That’s how you became a man?”
“It’s not nice to fool Mother Nature.” Can you hide that ONE-EYED MONSTER?
Breathes there a man with soul so dead who never to himself has said, “Damn it! Why didn’t I think of that when I had a chance to reply to so-and-so’s comments?”
A beautiful chorus girl once held a door for Dorothy Parker with the words, “Age before beauty,” to which Dottie instantly replied, “Pearls before swine.” A perfect mot juste.
Elizabeth Warren, on the other hand, was lobbed an easy ball by Donald Trump and struck out when she apologized for her claims of native American heritage instead of demolishing him after he derisively called her “Pocahontas.” She could have hit the ball out of the park by retorting, “I wish I were Pocahontas. Then I could scalp you and keep your ridiculous hair as a trophy.”
Oh, well. We all often don’t think as fast as we need to, don’t we?
Jim, Sorry I hadn’t answered your June 27th post before this. My excuse is that I somehow hadn’t seen it since I seldom backtrack, just looking at the current postings.. Thanks also for providing the source of my quote. I know Pema Chodron but never cared that much for her approach. By the way, I never see any of your comments as “dark.” They are written with great concern and warmth by someone who cares very much. You know, what we see is very much determined by our level of magnification. What might seem as a profusion of dots at one level can be enlarged to reveal a picture of someone’s head, for example.
More thanks are due you also for your recommendation of the Hitchens-Wolpe debate on YouTube. It was fascinating to watch.
By the way, in scrolling through this site, I came across another unnoticed gem by John Grosman on June 20: “Oy vey! My wife’s brothers all visiting at the same time!” Scrolling through this site is like gaining access to a marvelous candy store,
Keep well. Your perceptions are grounded and humorous and sorely needed in this era of disequiibrium.
Thank you Gerald. I was worried after hitting send on that last comment. In it I had suggested several alternative “takes” on the protests. One was particularly offensive, and I was afraid it might be thought of as my own rather than that of a hypothetical third party. Your kind post was a relief, and going forward I will try to back away from political / social commentary (unless of course I think it is so funny I can’t resist).
Finally, the tenth!!
Because of your umbilical connection to the past, you need a PUPIK tattoo, “WILDMAN.”
Welcome! We can really use all of you for our minyan!
Evolution: the devil is in the detales.
That should be “Evolution: the devil is in the details.”
Details, details…or, if you think that’s d’tail just hang around.
And the Darwin Award goes to…Darwin!
It’s the tale of the tail.
So zoo me.
No Shirt, No Shabbat, no Service.
You’d trade Yentl for a Yeti?
We welcome you with open arms, but stay six feet away.
Don’t tell me they brought the Three Faces of Eve?
An analogy of Apemen
(Q) What do Apemen scream?
(A) GrrrrrrrrAPES! (NOTE: The Apemen just love GRAPES!)
+++
(Q) What do you call a group of Apemen?
(A) Apemen Strong (SMELL)!
+++
(Q) Where do Apemen sleep?
(A) On APE-ri-COTS!
Welcome!. My name is Tevya.
EVOLUTION!! EVOLUTION!!
For those with short memories, this is almost the same post as the one sent last year. (How time flies!)
This Thursday, July 9th, we observe the Fast of the l7th of Tammuz which marks the beginning of the three-week mourning period for the destruction of Jerusalem and the Temples.
On this day the only food permitted to be eaten is Tammuz’s English Muffins, thanks to a licensing agreement between the OU and Bimbo Bakeries USA, one of the largest baking companies in the U.S. and the manufacturer of Thomas’s English Muffins, which now owns all rights to the fast day.
Jim,
As you know, Lord Shiva in the Hindu tradition was a god with many arms. He was, on the one hand, feared as a negative force, and, on the other, seen as a symbol of wisdom, free from illusion. Although one of his hands holds a flame, the front right hand is held palm out to tell the devotee not to be afraid.
That is how I see many of your posts. Underneath all, you have great warmth and compassion, and your concern shines through every creative gesture.
Don’t change your approach, ever. Thanks.
Here’s a point of view you might expect to find in a book about Zen. Surprisingly, it’s expressed by Alfred North Whitehead in, of all places, his “Introduction to Mathematics”:
“It is a profoundly erroneous truism repeated by all copybooks, and by eminent people when they are making speeches, that we should cultivate the habit of thinking of what we are doing. The precise opposite is the case. Civilization advances by extending the number of operations which we can perform without thinking about them. Operations of thought are like cavalry charges in a battle–they are strictly limited in number, they require fresh horses, and must only be made at decisive moments.”
In the same vein, remember the famous “The Centipede’s Dilemma”? Here’s the verse:
A centipede was happy – quite —
Until a toad in fun
Said, “Pray, which leg comes after which?”
Which threw her mind in such a pitch,
She lay bewildered in the ditch
Considering how to run.
From the sublime to the ridiculous, here’s more on the poor centipede, this time by Jack Prelutsky, that very funny man who was the first U.S. Children’s Poet Laureate:
“A centipede was thirsty,
But to satisfy its need,
It drank too much for it to hold,
And so the centi pede.”
‘For a centipede, each journey begins with 100 steps.” :^)
Finally, an upright man.
Dale,
TESTOSTERONE (HIGH LEVEL) HAPPENS! 🙂
Dale, that we hilarious ( “… . each journey begins with 100 steps”). Could you picture the centipede going to a podiatrist? I can hear the diagnosis: “You have a problem with the metatarsal bone in your 37th foot.”
(tt would be some feat to treat the centipede.)
Imagine footing that doctor’s bill :^)
Dale, and why stop with the centipede seeing a podiatrist? I could picture one trying to be fitted in a shoe store, telling the bedraggled clerk, “They still feel tight on my 13th and 97th feet.” In any cartoon contest, wouldn’t that be a shoo-in for the award?
(I can now hear you saying, “Enough already!)
Gerald,
In the presents of its enemies, does a centipede without shoes feel “DE-FEETED?”
By the way, let me explain:
In the presence of its enemies, perhaps it is a PRESENT to be seen & devoured.
This poem is dedicated to Gerald and Marvin:
There once was a centipede
Engaged to a millipede
They went for a walk
To have a long talk
And haven’t been seen all the day
-poetry by Orkin
Dale,
Thanks for the dedication:
I always enjoy reminiscing about GOOD LOOKING (FEMALE) LEGS! 🙂
Dear President Trump,
Please forgive this attempt to give you advice, but I sense that lately you have been struggling with many issues. I know you dislike the slogan “Black Lives Matter.” You feel that it signifies lawlessness and rebellion. However, if you started to use “White Lives Matter,” it would get you into trouble (for example, reminding voters of white supremacy and the Ku Klux Klan!). So may I suggest a slogan or hashtag that best reflects the attitude that you’ve brought to the office you hold.
I suggest the phrase “No Lives Matter.” If you used that, you wouldn’t offend anyone, and certainly no one would be able to call you a hypocrite since you’ve always opposed projects designed to combat global warming or to protect the environment.
I’m sorry to have to send you this message, for I know that either you can’t or you don’t want to read. Perhaps your son-in-law Jared will be able to read this to you based on the Harvard education he received thanks to his father’s hefty contributions to that formidable Ivy League institution.
“When my toddler shouts requests from her bed that I can’t, won’t or don’t know how to fulfill, I tell her that ‘I will look into it,’ as if I’m acknowledging an email at work. More times than not she forgets the request and falls asleep.”
—Hillary Hastings , Stamford, Connecticut
Well, Hillary, you have just learned the trick that most politicians have played on us for years and years and years.
If a politician like Chuck Schumer doesn’t really want to do something, for example, but yet wants to appear amenable and friendly, do you know what he says? “It’s a very, very good idea. I’m going to form a committee.”
Yes, Hillary, politics is an art, not a science.
One day your daughter may be president.
An ape, a neanderthal, and a gentile walk into a bar… stop me if you’ve heard this one…
What took you so long?
Dale,
Thanks for the poem. Mixed marriages often pose additional struggles and challenges. I hope that things work out for the pedes. (At least they share the same surname.)
Dale, here’s one more take on your poem:
The millipede and centipede
Are lucky folks indeed.
They’re wished much love and happiness
That nothing can impede.
That is quite lovely.
More information about the Apeman
(Q) Why does the Apeman believe in VOODOO?
(A) Because in this new world, he is on “PINS & NEEDLES!”
+++
(Q) What did the Apeman use to start his car when he learned how to drive?
(A) His MONK-KEY!
+++
(Q) What did the Apeman call his future wife?
(A) His PRIME-MATE!
The Prodigal Son returns.
Shortly before Martin Buber’s death, someone remarked to him that Freud was reported to have answered a question concerning the meaning of life by saying that it was work and love. Buber laughed and said that this was good but not complete. Buber’s answer? “Work, love, faith and humor.”
Buber added, “The real philosopher has to have a sense of humor, an awareness of the comic, not only about the world we live in but also about himself … yes, without a sense of humor even a philosopher could not live in this world.”
Isn’t that what we’re all trying to do on this site?
Kudos to “Moment” for maintaining it.
It’s time for your ape-endectomy.
“You are wanted as a Neanderthal look-alike for a new GEICO commercial.”
“What took you so long?”
Welcome! All G-d’s children have a place in the choir.
JR and others, here’s a genuinely good piece of writing by a genuinely nice guy, David Seidemann. I think you’ll all enjoy reading it at this time:
“I was born in Columbus, Ohio. So were five of my siblings. My parents lived there for almost 42 years. Some of the fondest memories of my entire life were formed in that city.
“Quiet at times, bustling at other times — your typical Midwestern city with the right blend of small-town values and some big-town opportunities. As capital of the great state of Ohio, it is home to the famed Ohio State University and great research and science centers. The mere mention of the name of the city has always flooded my mind with warmth as I am transported to my youth.
“All of that might soon change. Many expressions about changing the past have surfaced. One such petition or movement is to change the name of my birthplace, Columbus, Ohio, to another name.
“My hometown, named after Christopher Columbus, needs to be changed, according to some, because Mr. Columbus held views or practiced actions that are offensive to many. I don’t deny that; I do not know enough about his life and the times in which he lived to evaluate his actions and views in the context of what was occurring at the time. I am committed to researching the matter and finding out for myself, and perhaps it will lead me to the same conclusion — that is, that Columbus’s behavior was offensive to the point that he does not deserve to have statues, monuments, pictures, and, yes, entire cities, named after him.
“Columbus is not the only subject of intense scrutiny. Roosevelt, Washington, Jefferson, and many of the personalities who formed our country are having their legacy reviewed in an effort to ascertain whether mention of their name is appropriate, whether they deserve recognition for what they did to build this country.
“Statues and memorials are being torn down nationwide in this period of intense social reckoning. Some are being defaced and removed by lawless methods, some through a more legitimate and deliberate process.
“To be sure, the voices that want to see what is perceived as tributes to villains removed cannot be dismissed out of hand. Can you imagine how incensed we would be if a city carried the name Hitler or if a statue of Hitler adorned a public square?
“So I get it, and it does not hurt to take a second look at some of our historical figures and review their actions. Were they proper? Should they be viewed objectively and by today’s standards, or should they be viewed in context of the times in which they lived?
“Are there some behaviors that are so abhorrent, that cause such pain to those alive today, that the names of the perpetrators warrant erasure? Or are we going too far in this newfound analysis? Is it possible to display a portrait of a man who did good for our country while he also held some views that are disturbing to particular groups?
“Where does it end? Theoretically, every small group of people could band together and find something hurtful or offensive to any other person, group, movement, societal norm, or law.
“We could deteriorate into an entirely nameless and faceless society, as every social interest group could demand the erasure from our past, present, and future of every person, place, or thing that gives them angst. I am not defending those persons whose legacies are now being examined, nor am I belittling the pain of racism, discrimination, victimization, and abuse that segments of the population felt and still feel generations later.
“”We might not want a city named after Hitler, but to erase him from history is to remove the opportunity to educate the masses about his atrocities. So there really are two issues here. Is erasure from our history the best option when dealing with a figure whose actions range from less-than-stellar to downright offensive, or is a complete description of their behavior and mindset a more appropriate way to shape our history and educate the next generation? Secondly, are special-interest groups that are intent on dismantling our country taking advantage of this time period to rewrite history in a narrative that paints benign behavior as criminal?
“Today there might be many who want to ‘edit’ history. That’s O.K. It’s fine to add footnotes to the recorded history of Washington, Roosevelt, Jefferson, Lee, and even Columbus. But we cannot fall into the trap of rewriting history, of erasing history, of obliterating history at the hands of those whose intent in rewriting the past is to control the present and future of America.”
“,,, if you’ve got to spend your happiness to get rich, I hope I’m always just a poor orphan kid …”
—–From the Little Orphan Annie strip by Harold Gray in the Chicago Tribune in 1925
“Many are called but few are chosen.”
Maybe the intended humor is a little clearer this way:
“Many are called but few are Chosen.”
Time for your Bar Mitzvah. Soon you will really be a man.
I thought of another caption . . .
“Go back! Nothing to see here.”
Jim,
If he goes back, then you might say “He’s gone completely APE!” 🙂
“To make people take notice of you, your name will be Frank Enstein!”
Too many of us needlessly make fun of President Trump, myself included. Often we don’t recognize what a wise and religious man he is, a deeply sensitive and merciful man intent on following God’s instructions in the Bible.
For example, when his friend Roger Stone was given a 40-month prison term for obstruction, witness tampering, and lying to congress, our president was deeply disturbed, remembering the injunction of Jesus not to cast the first stone. In a dream, our president sought further guidance, and was told to consult his beloved books. When he opened the pages of his treasured classics, he read that in Greek mythology, the Delphic Oracle advised that to seek treasure or truth, the only way was to leave no stone unturned.
He woke up refreshed and confident, clear-headed and definitely not stoned, knowing what to do, and so today he OVER – turned his friend’s conviction and ordered him released.
Now you have the truth, and it can set you free. You can use it to refute any argument that our president is corrupt or illiterate or uncaring or under the influence of anything other than the hydroxychloroquine he took as a merciful test to prove its efficacy against the dreaded coronavirus, an inspiration of selflessness to us all!
aha finally a mench
“Congratulations! You’re the valedictorian.”
That’s a great caption! It is generally agreed that language is the single most important discriminator in separating man from his lesser apes cousins. You nailed it with this one.
should be “ape cousins”. Regardless, as someone with an undergraduate degree in Anthropology this just might be the best caption . . . ever.
Thanks! Your compliment will forever serve as my diploma.
(Of course everything, I guess, is a matter of degree.)
“You can beat your cousins in aptitude, but just don’t beat your chest in celebration!”
This contribution is from the wonderful science writer Barbara Ehrenreich, who, incidentally, has a PhD in cellular immunology:
“Apple cofounder Steve Jobs’s 2011 death from pancreatic cancer continues to spark debate. He was a food faddist, specifically a consumer only of raw vegan foods, especially fruit, refusing to deviate from that plan even when doctors recommended a diet high in protein and fat to help compensate for his failing pancreas. His office refrigerator was filled with Odwalla juices; he antagonized nonvegan associates by attempting to proselytize among them, as biographer Walter Isaacson has reported:
“‘At a meal with Mitch Kapor, the chairman of Lotus software, Jobs was horrified to see Kapor slathering butter on his bread, and asked, ‘Have you ever heard of serum cholesterol?’ Kapor responded, ‘I’ll make you a deal. You stay away from commenting on my dietary habits, and I will stay away from the subject of your personality.’
“Ironically,” Dr. Ehrenreich adds, “the sixty-seven year old Mitch Kapor is alive and well at the time of this writing.”
Whatever you do, just don’t “SWING YOUR BIG CLUB & KNOCK ‘EM UP!”
The Scopes Trial proves that everyone needs Scope.
Kick those guys kibbutz.
This man is mine, G-d gave this man to me.
That was a close shave, Harry.
Give me a Bronx Cheer!
You should see my man cave.
Adam, can you take some ribbing?
I’m opening an insurance place called Guy Co.
You seem like the Progressive type.
Organization Proposal: THE NATIONAL WILDLIFE FEDERATION
Chairman: Gerald Lebowitz (Because he sets the Gold Standard for HUMANE TREATMENT of less fortunate individuals. Besides, his shul has special treatment for ALTERKAKER GOLDbacks.)
+++
Equipment Leader: Dale Stout (Because he is such a “CAGEY PERSON.” Which means he is wary of being trapped or deceived by devious creatures.)
+++
Weather Director: Adrian Storisteanu (Because it is very cold where he lives, and we need his music to warm our souls. In case of a blizzard, he knows how to defrost his PIPE ORGAN which he likes to play with on occasion.)
+++
Contribution Advisor: Jim Gorman (Because he has the talent to talk you out of your money, or own your bank with all your secret bank account codes.)
+++
Sanitation Director: Marvin Sager (Because he is used to all the SH*TTY JOBS.)
+++
Other Positions: (For those of you who feel left out, then please submit your name and qualifications for whatever animalistic jobs you desire.)
Dale,
I scratched my brain for the very worst puns I could think of, knowing all the while that you could easily top all of them. Here they are, in no particular order:
1) Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
2) A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
3) A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
4) Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
5) When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.
6) What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway.)
7) The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
8) He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
9) Once you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.
10) Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Best, as always.
Dale,
Forgive me. I didn’t mean the very worst puns in the above post. I meant the most outrageous, which you could surely beat. (There’d be no real accomplishment in simply surpassing the worst.)
Hot dog – those were the best of the wurst! :^)
Dale,
You didn’t RELISH the BUNkum! 🙂
Dale, is that your beef? I’m glad at least that you’re being frank about it.
Gerald,
Just don’t get WRAPPED UP with PIGS-IN-A-BLANKET! 🙂
“I’ve been waiting for you. G-d said you’d be along in a minute. I just didn’t realize that a minute to Him is a million years.”
To help you remember your past, we’re having a wild brunch with “BUSH MEAT!”
(BON APE-TITE!)
Today you’re a man. Mazel tov!
Welcome. Now we only need 5 more to make a minyan!
“I hope you’re not all waiting in line to get into the Motor Vehicle Bureau.”
“My friends and I are members of a nudist colony looking for an unspoiled area where we can rest for a while before our vacations end and we have to get back to work.”
“Just follow the YELLOW BRICK ROAD. Either you will find Oz, or you will slip & slide on monkey banana peels!”
“I’m here for bar mitzvah instruction; my friends are looking to volunteer to help on President Trump’s reelection campaign.”
“By the way, who wears the pants in your family?”
The evolution of Manischewitz.
“Since restrictions have been relaxed by the rabbinate potential new converts are welcomed.”
“My prerecorded voice message says, ‘Thank you for calling. All of our family members are busy helping other telemarketers'”
—–Marisa Elston
Because you delved into psychedelic mushroom drugs, does that mean you are from the “STONED AGE?”
Jim, I’ve been meaning to write for some time related to your background in anthropology. Have you ever studied some of the work of Gregory Bateson, especially his studies on the double bind? It is difficult to classify him. He was involved in cybernetics as well as in the social and behavioral sciences. He was at one time married to Margaret Mead. Anyway, just a thought. Thanks as always for your always interesting comments.
Gerald, I’ve posted this way back here on the off chance you might take a look before this contest closes, and because this back-and-forth private conversation is a hijack of sorts. My degree in anthropology was a first love. But raising a family and other responsibilities precluded perusing the advanced degree mandatory for most career paths in that field. I’ve spent the better part of the last 50 years as an aerospace engineer with no regrets. Now as to Gregory Bateson. I have heard the name years ago and Margret Mead was the No. 1 most quoted anthropologist in the day. In the 70s my prof’s mandatory lateral off topic reading was more along the line of Carlos Castaneda. But thank you for bringing him up. I spent the better part of an afternoon, pouring over various referencing. With all the time on my hands lately he is someone I would like to better know.
Hasidic tales and Zen stories are very much alike. Here’s a hasidic tale from Martin Buber:
A hasid in Lublin intended to fast from one sabbath to the next. The week passed uneventfully, but on late Friday afternoon he began to suffer such cruel thirst that he thought he would die.
He saw a well, went up to it, and prepared to drink. But instantly he realized that because of the one brief hour he still had to endure, he was about to destroy the work of the entire week. He therefore did not drink and walked away from the well.
Then he was touched by a feeling of great satisfaction and pride for having passed this difficult test. When he became aware of this, he said to himself, “Better I go and drink than let my heart fall prey to the terrible sin of pride.”
He then went back to the well. But just as he was about to bend down to draw water, he noticed that his thirst had disappeared.
When the sabbath began, he finally entered his teacher’s house.
“Patchwork!” the rabbi yelled at him with a dismissive wave of his hand.
All right, now I suppose I have to tell a Zen story:
Two monks were hiking in a small valley when they came to a river. Facing the river was a beautiful woman.
“Oh,” she cried. “I have to cross this water, but I am very afraid. Can one of you help me?”
The younger monk easily lifted her in his arms and forded the river, depositing the grateful woman on the other side.
The monks resumed their walk. After two miles, the older monk couldn’t contain himself anymore.
“That was a wrong thing you did, brother, lifting that woman the way that you did.”
“Oh,” said the younger monk. “It is true that I held her. But I deposited her down on the other side of that river.
“You’ve been carrying her around ever since.”
“You can’t just wear your birthday suit to your birthday party. You need your mask!”
“Rabbi, I brought back with me members of the famous rock group “The Missing Links.” I met them all on Linkedin. You’ll be blown away by their rendition of “Adon Olam.”
We’re a fringe group but it has its fringe benefits.
If you want a missing link, ask Jimmy Dean.
Naked you enter but oy what an exit.
“With you in mind, we have banana splits, banana daiquiris, and banana TV commercials about Peyronie’s disease.”
Catching Up on the News
Kanye West for president?
At first this seems absurd,
For when one tries to pin him down,
His words are never heard.
One moment Kanye’s manic,
The next time he’s depressed.
His mind is always racing,
It’s never caught at rest.
His ideas are so strange that
They’re very hard to follow,
And even when one makes them out,
They’re very hard to swallow.
But wait, this sounds familiar:
The leader we have now
Is just as close to Kanye West
As nature will allow.
He’s prone to boasts and tantrums,
He likes to yell and shout.
Would Kanye be as hard to take?
The jury is still out.
When asked, “Would you like to meet a vegan female friend of mine?” He answered, “I don’t think I ever met HERBIVORE!”
Finally, we have a minion.
Final Argument
Regarding who would make a better president, Kanye West or Donald Trump, I say, “Oh,
who would be a more attractive secretary of state, Kim Kardashian or Mike Pompeo?”
“My son, today you are a hu-man! Mazel TOv!”
BIGFOOT techniques you might appreciate are the ones used in “RUMBLE IN THE JUNGLE” & “ROPE-A-DOPE.”
From James Agee:
“The finest pantomime, the deepest emotion, the richest and most poignant poetry were in Charlie Chaplin’s work. At the end of ‘City Lights,’ the blind girl who has regained her sight thanks to the Tramp, sees him for the first time. She has imagined and anticipated him as princely, to say the least. She recognizes who he must be by his shy, shining joy as he comes silently toward her. And he recognizes himself through the terrible changes in her face. The camera exchanges a few quiet closeups of the emotions which shift and intensify in each face. It is enough to shrivel the heart to see, and it is the greatest piece of acting and the highest moment in movies.”
“Wonderful! But you should be marching at least six-feet apart.”
“Life is like an empty box of chocolates” in the wilderness. After a period of time, you become a FORREST GRUMPY!
“Look who skipped the diaspora!”
Melvin was a man who had complete faith in the power of numbers.
He was born on 5/5/65 and was nearing his 55th birthday. He had five children and had lived in Apartment 5 at 555 East 55th Street for the past five years. He earned $55,500 as an employee at a Fifth Avenue department store.
On the day of his 55th birthday, he decided to celebrate by going to the track. On studying the field, he was astonished to find that a horse named Numero Cinco would be running in the fifth race that afternoon.
Five minutes before the race began, he went to the fifth window and put down five thousand dollars in five-dollar bills on Number Five.
Melvin’s faith in numbers was amply justified. But he wasn’t too happy with the outcome.
His horse finished fifth.
“How did you come to be so lazy grandpa?”
You overcame many BEASTLY obstacles to be here. To stay here, you now must overcome the 2020 COVID-19 BEAST!
Okay, what is the longest word in the English language? Let’s bring out a few of the usual suspects:
1) pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis, a lung disease,
2) antidisestablishmentarianism,
3) or that old standby from “Mary Poppins,” supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.
But the real answer was improbably discovered by, of all people, Red Skelton, better known as a clown rather than as a comedian from the late 1930s to the early 1970s.
He said that the longest word in the English language is routinely uttered on television and radio by the announcer who says, “And now a word from our sponsor … ”
And we know how long that “word” can be. 🙂
Best to all.
(It took me three words to say that.)
Red was a favorite- as well as Ernie Kovacs and many more.
Hungry? There’s menudo, matzah balls or grape nuts.
“Your genealogy report from your caveman days can be googled under ROGUES’ GALLERY!”
Dale, thanks for the comment. Here’s one for you from the past—-a classic Jackie Mason bit:
“You don’t know one Jew anywhere who can do anything with his hands. It’s because of this simple fact: that Jews were raised never to do anything with their hands and to this day they can’t do nothing. That’s right—if a Jewish car breaks down, it’s all over. There’s nothing they can do.
“Watch a gentile car break down. Did you ever see the difference? If a gentile car breaks down, in two seconds he’s under the car, on top of the car—it becomes an airplane and he flies away.
“A Jewish car breaks down and you always hear the same things: ‘It stopped.’
“And the wife always says, ‘It’s your fault.’
“And the husband says, ‘I know what it is. It’s in the hood.’
“She says, ‘Where’s the hood?’
“He says, ‘I don’t remember.’
“Takes a Jew three hours to open a hood and when he finally opens it up: ‘Wow! Is it busy here!’
Then he makes a move and she says, ‘Watch out, you’ll hurt yourself!’
If you doubt the truth of this, go to any gentile home and you’ll see the truth of it. A gentile home is a completely different environment than a Jewish home. A gentile home is a workshop and a Jewish home is a museum. Go in any gentile home, they hit you with hammers, nails, screwdrivers, banging…. The whole house is a workshop. They take you right to the basement. They’re fixing and banging and clanging. They fix everything. They build it, rebuild it. The toilet was once a chair. The living room was once a kitchen. The ping-pong table was once a furnace. The second floor was once a chimney. The whole wall was once in Philadelphia.”
Dale, you were born at the wrong time. In another era you would’ve been earning a fortune as a comedy writer and/or performer.
But it’s our gain that you’re here with us right now.
Gerald, thanks for the comedy comment but I don’t think I could Hackett :^)
“My mother is Jewish, my father is Catholic. I was brought up Catholic, but with a Jewish mind. When I went to confession, I always brought my lawyer with me.”
—Bill Maher
If I ever wrote a memoir, I’d title it “This Reminds Me,” for one thing always reminds me of another. There’s a pretty bad joke about that, which, to maintain some semblance of good taste, I won’t repeat, but I can tell one more that these posts on humor do remind me of. Dale, see what you started?
“It’s been a rough year for the Katz family. My aunt passed away two weeks ago. She was cremated. We think that’s what did it.”
—–Jonathan Katz
“You should include prunes in your diet. It’s good for constipation, but watch out for those PIT STOPS!”
I once posted, quasi-humorously, that most people possessing the surnames of jewels or precious metals (e.g. gold, silver, ruby, diamond) are Jewish. Well, Danny Fingeroth, a teacher of writing and a scholar in many areas, has this to say:
“Classic James Bond villain Auric Goldfinger—-‘He loves only gold,’ as Shirley Bassey sang of him in the theme song to ‘Goldfinger’—-had a typically Jewish name but was established in the ‘Goldfinger’ novel as being definitely NOT Jewish. In the film, however, the issue was not addressed. The Goldfinger character was, however, said to be a dig at a Jewish neighbor with that surname whom Fleming heartedly disliked.”
Note to Dale: A classic Buddy Hackett story coming up next when I’ll have time to post it.
Gerald-I’m looking forward to the Buddy Hackett story. He was great in movies, too.
Speaking of Shirley Bassey, she gets my vote for strongest female vocals of all times. Her male counterpart would be Tom Jones. They both hail from Wales, therefore, they really know how to wail – according to Dale :^)
Yes, Shirley Bassey hails from Wales,
As well as charismatic males
Like Tom Jones and, I’m almost certain,
Shakespearean actor Richard Burton
Whose affair with Elizabeth Taylor
Made her curse and swear like a sailor
Both behind and in front of the curtain.
“Shake your WILDMAN booty, you are such a PARTY ANIMAL!”
Buddy Hackett at the Sands Hotel in Las Vegas, for Dale with thanks:
“You’re a good crowd. And I’ve got a good true story for you about a guy I once knew. His name was Alvin Schwartz, and he was a shipping clerk for an auto parts manufacturer.
“One Tuesday afternoon the boss announced to all the employees that he was leaving early. The workers were sure that he was going to play golf and wouldn’t be back, so they all decided to go home.
“But when Alvin Schwartz got home, to his big surprise he found the boss in bed with his wife. He quietly left the house and spent the rest of the afternoon seeing a movie.
“The next Tuesday the boss again announced that he was leaving early. This time, too, all the employees started leaving early too—all except Alvin.
“‘What’s the matter, Al?’ someone asked. ‘You can leave, too. The boss won’t be coming back.’
“‘I know,’ Al Schwartz replied.
“‘But last week I left early and–would you believe it?–I almost got caught!'”
Thank you, Gerald. Buddy was great with Miss Direction and Indiscretion!
Welcome to the Tribe, but I don’t think I’m qualified to perform a circumcision on your three friends.”
Mark, if you did do the job, you could negotiate for a cut of the proceeds.
“Sure I believe in miracles, but you expect me to believe that all this happened while wandering 40 years in the desert?”
Scope out your malodorous “image” by flushing out your mouth with SCOPE!
Dale,
Since you used SCOPE in your July 13th entry, “…where everyone needs Scope,” I decided I needed Scope also for my cartoon caption entry. THANKS! 🙂
Marvin, that’s great. If we keep using Scope we’ll all become a class ACT!
“Practicing Yiddish ventriloquism with a ROOSTER puppet is a COCKamamie idea!”
(NOTE: There are better dummies out there to use.)
One of the most important figures in the history of the Catholic church was Saint Augustine. One day he was asked the question, “What is time?” and answered, “If no one asks me, I know what it is. But if I wish to explain it to him who asks, I do not know.”
Well, if that answer was good enough for a theological giant like Saint Augustine, then it is good enough for me. If I were asked what Jewish humor is, I would have to show rather than to explain. And there’d be no better guide than Leo Rosten, author of “The Joys of Yiddish.”
1) Scene: Cohen’s Frame Store:
“I want a frame,” says Mrs. Kaplan, “for a $100,000 picture.”
Mr. Cohen gasps. “One hundred thousand? Lady, I never before had an order like that. Where is this picture?”
“Here,” she says.
And she then hands Cohen her son’s college diploma.
2) Scene: A deli on the Lower East Side of Manhattan
Mrs. Shapiro: “This salmon—is it from a can?”
Waiter: “What can? This salmon comes from Nova Scotia.”
Mrs. Shapiro (hesitating): “Then tell me something:
Was it imported or deported?”
If anybody has any further questions about Jewish humor—-don’t ask!
“It’s time to be COUNTed for the Census even though you are not a COUNT!”
News item: “In 2019, White House aides reached out to the governor of South Dakota to ask about carving the face of Donald Trump on Mt. Rushmore.”
Was it a question
Or just a suggestion?
I’d prefer this to his being cloned.
Instead of a mock star,
He’d be a true rock star
And have reason to sound like he’s stoned.
A psychologist at United Airlines was giving one of its pilots his annual check up.
“When was the last time you slept with a woman, Captain?”
“1959.”
“That long ago?”
“Why is that such a big deal, doctor?” the annoyed pilot retorted. “It’s only 23:15 right now.”
**********************
A man rushed into the office of his partner. “We’re ruined! We’re ruined!”
“Calm down,” the partner said. “What happened?”
“We just received big boxes of returned merchandise. Black bras. Three hundred fifty dozen brassieres! What can we possibly do, for God’s sake?”
“What we can do,” the partner replied calmly, “is to cut off all the straps and sell them as yarmulkes.”