Cartoon Caption Contest

Prove Your Comedy Chops with Moment’s Cartoon Caption Contest

 

Welcome to the Moment Magazine Cartoon Caption Contest, founded with the help of New Yorker cartoon editor Bob Mankoff, and drawn by New Yorker cartoonist Ben Schwartz.

 

Do you have a way with words and humor? If so, look at the cartoon below and send us a caption—or two or three! Plus scroll down to vote for your favorite caption. It’s free and fun!

 

Winners may claim a free Moment subscription for a friend of family member. Contest open to U.S. residents 18 and above.

 

Plus: Read interviews with some of our most prolific caption contest contributors here.

 

 

Submit a caption for this cartoon by November 30 by writing it in as a comment at the bottom of this page!

 

Vote for your favorite caption by filling out the form immediately below!

 

“I’ll give you a wing if you give me a prayer.”
—Gerald Lebowitz, New York, NY


“Oh thank heaven for 7-Eleven.”
—Dale Stout, Colorado Springs, CO


“God knows what you’re eating, my son.”
—Rich Wolf, Westminster, MD


“There is no devil’s food cake. We no longer do imports.”
—Adrian Storisteanu, Toronto, ON, Canada

 

Vote for your favorite cartoon caption!

The winner will receive a free subscription to Moment to give to a friend. Any U.S. resident age 18 or older can enter.

 

Chuckle at the Summer 2019 winning caption—and see who wrote it!

“If we hurry we can catch the ark!”
—Susan Rosati, Blackwood, NJ

 

How to Submit Your Caption(s)

Submit as a comment below by November 30, 2019. Finalists will appear in the upcoming issue. To vote for the winner of the September/October 2019 contest (see finalists above), use the vote form.

267 Comments
  • Gerald Lebowitz 18:05h, 28 October Reply

    “I’m the product of a mixed marriage, as you can see.”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 18:07h, 28 October Reply

    “Only half of me believes in you.”

    • Molly Logeland 22:11h, 28 October Reply

      Hannukah-ome on, Nick! We’ve got eight nights to get all the gifts delivered – can’t we just play reindeer games tonight?

      • Molly Logeland 22:12h, 28 October Reply

        *Hanukkah

        • Marvin Sager 15:29h, 30 October Reply

          I bet you spell your name Molly Legoland (by mistake). 🙂

  • Gerald Lebowitz 18:11h, 28 October Reply

    “You’ve never met a schizophrenic deer before?”

  • Marvin Sager 18:48h, 28 October Reply

    “My Menorah Antler is called a 9 POINTER during HUNTING SEASON!”

  • Marvin Sager 18:55h, 28 October Reply

    “Do I need a KIPPAH and a SANTA COAT?”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 19:18h, 28 October Reply

    “My father, Rudolph, married a Jewish girl, so my light comes from my head instead of from my nose. I’ll be able to guide your sleigh just fine.”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 19:22h, 28 October Reply

    “My father, Rudolph, married a Jewish girl, so my light comes from my head instead of from my nose. I’ll be able to take his place and guide your sleigh just fine.”

  • Adrian Storisteanu 20:16h, 28 October Reply

    “Actually it is not Blitzen, it’s Blintze.”

    • Alex Slusarenco 18:35h, 03 November Reply

      I just logged on to write mine, but it seems you beat me to it lol. I was gonna do: “No, I get that it’s cute, but don’t you think Blintzen is a bit on the nose?”

      • Adrian Storisteanu 19:06h, 05 November Reply

        : – )

  • Adrian Storisteanu 20:22h, 28 October Reply

    “I’m multitasking.”

  • Adrian Storisteanu 20:22h, 28 October Reply

    “Well, you know, a day here, eight days there…”

    • Adrian Storisteanu 20:25h, 28 October Reply

      OR

      “Well, you know how it is, a day here, eight days there…”

  • Adrian Storisteanu 20:28h, 28 October Reply

    “As long as it doesn’t fall on a Shabbos.”

  • JR 20:43h, 28 October Reply

    “The rabbi told me he needs a shofar, but at this time of the year?”

  • charles vaughan 20:57h, 28 October Reply

    Uh oh!!!

    • Adrian Storisteanu 16:03h, 01 November Reply

      Or, perhaps

      “Oy!!”

      ?! : – )

  • Gerald Lebowitz 21:13h, 28 October Reply

    “My parents met on Match.com.”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 22:45h, 28 October Reply

    “My name is Dreidel. Can I take you out for a spin on Hanukkah?”

  • Dinah Rokach 09:10h, 29 October Reply

    “I’ve already got a gig and it’s for eight nights.”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 09:11h, 29 October Reply

    “You’ve never seen a candelabra before?”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 09:21h, 29 October Reply

    “We Jews have always gotten into the spirit of Christmas, contributing such songs as ‘Deck the Halls with Boughs of Chola.’ It’s a wonderful chola day.”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 09:36h, 29 October Reply

    “I don’t know how it happened, but last week I woke up and found that my antlers had turned into a menorah.”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 09:45h, 29 October Reply

    “You were expecting maybe Bambi?”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 09:58h, 29 October Reply

    “Do you like my new Hannukah antlers?”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 10:30h, 29 October Reply

    “I’m applying for the position of sleigh guide which you advertised in this week’s edition of the Jewish Press.”

  • Marvin Sager 10:46h, 29 October Reply

    “Just don’t BUCK ME the wrong way!”

  • Marvin Sager 10:51h, 29 October Reply

    “When it comes to the holiday season, I’m just another BUCK in the HEADLIGHTS!”

    • Dale Stout 06:37h, 30 October Reply

      Don’t buck with me. ;^)

      • Dale Stout 06:38h, 30 October Reply

        I often get that deer in the head lights look.

  • Marvin Sager 11:30h, 29 October Reply

    “I was born to be wild—not a HOLIDAY TROPHY!”

  • Dale Stout 22:46h, 29 October Reply

    Me Norah, you Santa.

  • Dale Stout 22:47h, 29 October Reply

    Can you sing Santa Lucia?

  • Dale Stout 22:54h, 29 October Reply

    Are you Arthur Fiedler on the Roof?

  • Dale Stout 23:01h, 29 October Reply

    It’s part of the Establishment Claus.

  • Dale Stout 06:41h, 30 October Reply

    Jewish you a Merry Christmas and a Hanukkah New Year.

  • George Relles 10:36h, 30 October Reply

    Gotta a light?

  • George Relles 10:37h, 30 October Reply

    And YOU’RE making fun of MY hat?

  • George Relles 10:38h, 30 October Reply

    Yes on the split hoof but nope, never chewed my cud.

  • George Relles 10:39h, 30 October Reply

    I heard someone needed me to sleigh Goliath.

  • Rich Wolf 13:19h, 30 October Reply

    “I’ll help you, but we never had this conversation.”

  • Rich Wolf 13:21h, 30 October Reply

    “If you light them, we’ll have high beams.”

  • Rich Wolf 13:49h, 30 October Reply

    “All of the other goys and boys are laughing and calling me names.”

  • Marvin Sager 15:12h, 30 October Reply

    “My Rabbi said I am a blessing to the DEAR Hanukkah population!

  • Marvin Sager 15:39h, 30 October Reply

    “My favorite movie was not Bambi, but I did enjoy FIDDLER ON THE HOOF!”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 18:40h, 30 October Reply

    Dale, a very funny pun, but, actually, wouldn’t he be Fiedler on the HOOF?

    (Actually, Arthur Fiedler himself was full of joy, a man with a twinkle in his eye who loved life, always able to laugh at himself. He would’ve laughed the loudest if he could have read your marvelous play on his name. Nobody has ever really been able to take his place.)

    • Dale Stout 23:00h, 30 October Reply

      Gerald, Fiedler on the Hoof is good. Arthur Fiedler was a great fun person. I like it.

      • Dale Stout 23:04h, 30 October Reply

        And Marvin!

        • Marvin Sager 15:07h, 02 November Reply

          And Dale also! (You need to have your name included at all times!) THANKS! :>)

  • Gerald Lebowitz 18:44h, 30 October Reply

    Sorry, Marvin, I hadn’t seen your response when I wrote mine. Great minds think alike, I guess, and I can’t think of a greater mind than yours. (I’m not kidding.)

    • Marvin Sager 15:18h, 02 November Reply

      Next time I will wait longer to add my best entries to give you a fair chance to jump ahead of me. This way I have an excuse when I put forth SECOND RATE ENTRIES! I always truly admire your kind words to me and others. Keep up the good work! THANKS!

  • Rajee Krishnan 19:19h, 30 October Reply

    “NOW you’re telling me I’ve other religions to cover too?”

  • Dale Stout 23:07h, 30 October Reply

    I often get that deer in my head lights look.

  • Glen 13:59h, 31 October Reply

    “It’s my side-hustle.”

  • Glen 14:04h, 31 October Reply

    “Reindeer’s gotta eat everyday.”

  • Leigh Dolin 15:51h, 31 October Reply

    I knew I shouldn’t have agreed to circumcised!

  • Leigh Dolin 15:53h, 31 October Reply

    I knew I shouldn’t have agreed to be circumcised!

  • Susan Rosenbluth 17:39h, 31 October Reply

    So a job’s a job, right? When you see our tree, you don’t tell Bambi what I’ve got on my head, and when I’m through flying you around. I won’t tell the elves that your tzitzis are tucked into the red gotkes.

  • Marcia Berger 17:51h, 31 October Reply

    Do I look like a Rudolf?

  • Sabena Stark 19:19h, 31 October Reply

    I don’t know either. I got lost in Flatbush looking for water, fell into a mikkvah, and came out like this.

  • Sabena Stark 19:22h, 31 October Reply

    I don’t know either. I got lost in Flatbush, fell into a mikveh, and came out like this.

  • Gerald Lebowitz 20:23h, 31 October Reply

    “My menorah uses a special oil that lasts till Purim.”

    • Dale Stout 00:20h, 01 November Reply

      Oils well that ends well ;^)

  • Nathan Relles 21:11h, 31 October Reply

    “Because a red nose won’t last as long.”

  • Erika Pardes Schon 23:16h, 31 October Reply

    Sorry, but the Jewish reindeer all have to work on Christmas Day!

  • Lynne Chernin 23:38h, 31 October Reply

    Why is this reindeer different from all other reindeers?

  • Norman La Cholter 23:44h, 31 October Reply

    Now I’m below the horns of a dilemma.

  • Norman La Cholter 23:45h, 31 October Reply

    Because it gives me that Special Glow.

  • Stephen Nadler 23:51h, 31 October Reply

    “It’s not a miracle. I borrowed one of your elves.”

  • Stephen Nadler 23:52h, 31 October Reply

    “I need to find the Little Match Girl.”

  • Stephen Nadler 23:53h, 31 October Reply

    “Do you need a ride to the Kwanzaa party?”

  • Dale Stout 00:21h, 01 November Reply

    I always wanted to mingle with Kris Kringle.

  • Dale Stout 00:24h, 01 November Reply

    Don’t menschon it.

  • Dale Stout 00:26h, 01 November Reply

    Muzzle tov.

  • Dale Stout 00:28h, 01 November Reply

    I have a muzzle that loves to nuzzle.

  • Dale Stout 00:32h, 01 November Reply

    Does this ring a bell?

    • Marvin Sager 11:03h, 09 November Reply

      Not the Liberty Bell, but it does “crack” me up! :>)

  • Rabbi David Julian 02:36h, 01 November Reply

    Reindeer cartoon:

    I’ll deliver to the Jewish kids, you cover the rest.

  • Jerry Hyman 06:43h, 01 November Reply

    Moonlighting again, Rudolph?

  • Nancy Petschek-Kojn 08:11h, 01 November Reply

    “Sorry, Santa, you’ll have to do without me this year!”

  • Neil Rubin 08:17h, 01 November Reply

    Per our union contract and just a reminder: I put in for 8 days off in late December this year.

  • Robert D. Diamant 11:41h, 01 November Reply

    I converted.

  • Robert D. Diamant 12:13h, 01 November Reply

    Latkes or fruitcake?
    Latkes won…..

  • Robert D. Diamant 12:24h, 01 November Reply

    Sorry Santa; the role of Tevye has already been taken….

  • Marilyn Kagan 12:32h, 01 November Reply

    Only red and green? We need things in blue and white this year.

  • Robert D. Diamant 13:03h, 01 November Reply

    When I learned that Gal Gadot was Jewish, I switched….

  • Rich Wolf 13:07h, 01 November Reply

    “We’ll be good for eight nights.”

  • Rich Wolf 13:08h, 01 November Reply

    “Helping you out is definitely not kosher.”

  • Frank Segall 13:59h, 01 November Reply

    Sorry, boss, gotta go. I smell latkes, I’m scared to fly, and don’t wanna go down in flames!
    OR
    Gotta light?

  • Amanda Arena 15:05h, 01 November Reply

    Rudolph only has to work one night a year and I have to work eight?

  • Amanda Arena 15:10h, 01 November Reply

    Aleph the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names.

  • Robert D. Diamant 15:50h, 01 November Reply

    No Nicky, it is not a passing phase; I’ve read the Talmud and did Birthright Israel.

  • Robert D. Diamant 15:53h, 01 November Reply

    No Nick, you may not get an alleyah at my Bar Mitzvah!

  • Robert D. Diamant 15:57h, 01 November Reply

    Stop questioning my decision to convert; it was Madonna who introduced me to the Kabbalah!

  • Robert Kehlmann 16:04h, 01 November Reply

    “What’s nu?”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 16:17h, 01 November Reply

    Dale, what a string of gems! I feel like the patron (played by Carl Reiner’s late wife, Estelle) in the famous restaurant scene in “When Harry Met Sally” who, after Meg Ryan’s faked orgasm, says, “I’ll have what she’s having.”

    In the same spirit, whatever you’re on that allows you to create such delicious comedy, I want some, too!

  • Robert D. Diamant 18:27h, 01 November Reply

    Nick, why do you keep asking me if venison is kosher?

  • Miriam Klepper 19:54h, 01 November Reply

    The 9 candles of my Hanukiah will surely light the way to help you give joy to kids

  • Gerald Lebowitz 22:23h, 01 November Reply

    “My mother always said that I was the light of her life.”

  • Robert D. Diamant 12:29h, 02 November Reply

    Sorry Nick,
    I’ve lived in Crown Heights, Borough Park, Williamsburg too.
    I’M A JEW!

  • Marvin Sager 13:32h, 02 November Reply

    “”My Christmas song request is, ‘ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS MY TWO BUCK TEETH!”‘

  • Marvin Sager 13:38h, 02 November Reply

    “My favorite liquor is, ‘TWO BUCK CHUCK!”‘

    • Dale Stout 15:46h, 03 November Reply

      I thought with stagflation, it was three buck chuck!

  • Marvin Sager 14:07h, 02 November Reply

    “After the Bris my Mohl said, ‘Congratulations on STAGgering around!”‘

  • Marvin Sager 14:33h, 02 November Reply

    “Instead of delivering packages to others, I prefer to keep them for myself. That’s why I am a STINGY BEAST OF BURDEN!”

  • Seth M. Kibel 15:01h, 02 November Reply

    C’mon — nine candles will give you a heckuva lot more light than one shiny nose.

  • Robert D. Diamant 15:51h, 02 November Reply

    I have tried to be thinner.
    But I love Shabbos dinner.
    And the fish I eat on erev Christmas is
    Gefilte!

  • Robert D. Diamant 15:54h, 02 November Reply

    Sorry Nick, hot cross buns are out!!

  • Stephen Nadler 20:50h, 02 November Reply

    “Rudolph has the flu.”

    • Marvin Sager 14:10h, 08 November Reply

      Does that mean he is FLU-ENT in YIDDISH?

  • Gerald Lebowitz 11:22h, 03 November Reply

    “I was recommended to you for the job of sleigh guide by the Center for Jewish-Christian Understanding.”

  • Dale Stout 15:48h, 03 November Reply

    There won’t be any roast beast this year, just roasted beets.

  • Gerald Lebowitz 17:34h, 03 November Reply

    Dale, c’mon, really? STAG flation? That pun would de-flate anybody.

    (Yet sometimes something is SO bad that it turns out to be SO good. 🙂

  • Hugo Sappington 18:28h, 03 November Reply

    How can we be out of candles? Thats ridiculous!

  • Hugo Sappington 18:33h, 03 November Reply

    There was nothing I could do, Rabbi took me back to his workshop with care

  • Hugo Sappington 18:36h, 03 November Reply

    Who did this to you?! Men or uhh…?

  • Hugo Sappington 18:38h, 03 November Reply

    Sorry Santa, but evolution just happens how it does, there’s nothing I can do.

  • Hugo Sappington 18:39h, 03 November Reply

    Yeah, I can’t fly this time, it’s a leap year.

  • Hugo Sappington 18:41h, 03 November Reply

    Please don’t take it personally

  • Gerald Lebowitz 20:59h, 03 November Reply

    “Who cares which holiday I celebrate as long as I light it up?”

  • Dale Stout 22:27h, 03 November Reply

    Where have you been hiding Cupid and Vixen?

  • Dale Stout 22:27h, 03 November Reply

    You sir, are my prisoner.

  • Dale Stout 22:29h, 03 November Reply

    I’m on the Naughty Liszt?

    • Marvin Sager 09:30h, 06 November Reply

      Dale,
      Is this about you, or is this your entry? :)

  • Dale Stout 22:37h, 03 November Reply

    Happy Holidaze?

  • Marvin Ralph Sager 08:03h, 04 November Reply

    “I have one spot on my menorah for each of your reindeer. And the top spot belongs to Rudolph because he is always ahead of the pack by a NOSE.”

  • Marvin Sager 09:51h, 04 November Reply

    “I’m interested in a menage-a-trois with Donna and BLINTZES.”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 15:28h, 04 November Reply

    “Do you have eight reindeer so that each one corresponds to a different night of Hanukkah?”

  • Marvin Sager 16:13h, 04 November Reply

    “This time of year, I don’t plan to freeze my ASS off, because I’m a different kind of animal!”

  • Marvin Sager 16:26h, 04 November Reply

    “Last year at this time, I was attacked by Mrs. BEAR CLAUS!”

  • Dennis Keesey 18:23h, 04 November Reply

    “I might not be Rudolph but I’m free on Christmas Eve.”

  • Dennis Keesey 18:24h, 04 November Reply

    I might not be Rudolph but I’m free on Christmas Eve.”

  • Sandy Levine 19:00h, 04 November Reply

    “I just found out my mom was Jewish.”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 21:26h, 04 November Reply

    “What I want for Christmas, Santa, is a nice Jewish boy who’s horny in spite of shedding his antlers.”

  • Marvin Sager 11:00h, 05 November Reply

    “Santa, don’t look at me with those HUNGRY EYES!”

  • Marvin Sager 11:36h, 05 November Reply

    “As part of my contract, I’m listed as spaced out BUCK ROGERS on a Jewish mission to mate among GOD’S CHOSEN ANIMALS!”

  • Sarah Oaks 11:56h, 05 November Reply

    I though it might be a good idea to be inclusive when we visit mixed-marriage homes.

  • Robert D. Diamant 15:27h, 05 November Reply

    It goes like this, Nick:
    “Maw oh tzur yi shoe oh tsee….”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 16:47h, 05 November Reply

    Marvin, re your November 2 post, which was listed out of order: none of your entries are ever second rate.

    Robert Diamant, you’re very funny; have you ever tried writing light verse? (See Ogden Nash, for example; you could do that. But unfortunately the market for funny poems is very small. 🙂 )

    • Robert D. Diamant 08:59h, 06 November Reply

      Thank you so much. I try to incorporate humor in anything I write. I have had some articles published in the Staten Island Advance and 4 Haikus were published in The NY Times book on NYC Haikus.

  • Gerry Kesselman 17:23h, 05 November Reply

    Ok, I’ll be on your sled team but you’ll have to feed me with jelly donuts and latkes.”

  • Charlene Wygodski 22:53h, 05 November Reply

    If you thought my nose was bright,
    you should see me now on the 8th night!

  • Marvin Sager 10:17h, 06 November Reply

    ”I’m not looking for a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow, but just some regular “pot” will help me cruise HIGHER and HIGHER on my journey!”

  • Marvin Sager 10:27h, 06 November Reply

    ”I request an oxygen mask when flying over SMOKE CHIMNEYS!”

    • Adrian Storisteanu 15:25h, 07 November Reply

      “And a sweater. Bubbe said chimneys are drafty.”

      • Marvin Sager 06:30h, 09 November Reply

        “Don’t forget the scarf for my neck & booties for my young tender feet!” 🙂

  • Dale Stout 11:03h, 06 November Reply

    Bubby the Elf carved this. What’s your favorite color?

  • Marvin Sager 11:04h, 06 November Reply

    ”I get my JOLLIES from ‘balls of holly.’ (Now at least that phrase rhymes, and I didn’t mention other kinds of JOLLY BALLS!)”

  • Steven Bloom 12:51h, 06 November Reply

    Yes, I converted. How did you know?

  • Marvin Sager 19:11h, 06 November Reply

    ”At the piano bar in my neighborhood, everybody tries to over load me with BUCK SHOTS!”

  • Marvin Sager 19:29h, 06 November Reply

    ”The children today request that I leave under their trees (Hanukkah bush or Christmas tree) only GELT. They must think I am the GOLDEN CALF they read about!”

  • Charlene Wygodski 21:28h, 06 November Reply

    You thought my nose was bright,
    You should see me now on the 8th night!

  • jim gorman 03:15h, 07 November Reply

    “Nar ainer! It looks nothing like it! And now you want to do a circumcision?”

  • Dale Stout 08:22h, 07 November Reply

    Rudolph is grounded, he got Blitzened.

  • Dale Stout 08:24h, 07 November Reply

    Isn’t SANTA the abominable anagram?

  • Dale Stout 08:28h, 07 November Reply

    Tim Allen, is that you?

    • Dale Stout 08:34h, 07 November Reply

      Have a coke and a smile.

      • Marvin Sager 13:52h, 08 November Reply

        Put some rum in that coke, and I will smile too.

  • Dale Stout 08:35h, 07 November Reply

    You just stepped in my figgy pudding.

  • Dale Stout 08:39h, 07 November Reply

    Do you know what I know? What are you, a Weiss guy?

  • Dale Stout 08:50h, 07 November Reply

    I’m game, Warden, if you’re game, Warden.

  • Dale Stout 08:52h, 07 November Reply

    My icicles are straight out of Frozen.

  • Dale Stout 09:00h, 07 November Reply

    You were expecting a Frosty reception?

  • Marvin Sager 13:25h, 07 November Reply

    ”SANTA’S ELVES were “shelved” last year, since they had a SHORT toy production!”

  • Marvin Sager 13:37h, 07 November Reply

    ”Santa now pays a universal charge for each toy delivered which really TAXES his mind!”

  • Marvin Sager 13:45h, 07 November Reply

    ”Santa was denied permission to visit the White House, because his TOYS were MADE IN CHINA this year!”

  • Marvin Sager 13:50h, 07 November Reply

    ”Santa now delivers toys to the LGBTQ community, because he now follows the RAINBOW destination!”

  • Marvin Sager 14:04h, 07 November Reply

    ”According to “fake news,” Santa was considered a COMMUNIST “RED” SPY, because he sometimes flies into restricted air space in the U.S.!”

  • Marvin Sager 14:23h, 07 November Reply

    ”Because of my Menorah children always ask me, ‘Can you dance the JEWISH HORA?”‘

  • Robert Freedman 15:20h, 07 November Reply

    Gevalt! You already forgot the waxless candles? Just think, you wanna be Santa or Shanda?

  • Robert Freedman 15:28h, 07 November Reply

    And this year, don’t forget the dripless candles!

  • Gerald Lebowitz 16:06h, 07 November Reply

    Thanks, Robert Diamant, for your comment.

    It was certainly an honor for you to be chosen for inclusion in “New York City Haiku.” (I tried in vain to access your writing in the Staten Island Advance.)

    A whole book can be condensed in a good haiku, ideally seventeen syllables. Here’s one of your published poems , for example:

    :There’s not much twerking
    Going on at six a.m.
    On the ferry boat.”

    Beautiful. Commentary could run over hundreds of pages.

    My favorite haiku probably is one by, I think, Arakida Moritake;

    “A fallen leaf
    Returning to the branch?
    Butterfly.”

    Anyway, a very warm welcome. Thanks again for adding golden spice to our stew.

  • Gerald Lebowitz 18:51h, 07 November Reply

    “Can I light up your journey on Christmas Eve? Please, Santa, don’t be a nay-sleigher.”

  • Robert D. Diamant 18:59h, 07 November Reply

    You are very welcome. I am really not new to the group. I submitted some over the past 3-4 years and came in first some years ago. I really enjoy reading everyone’s submissions.

  • Gerald Lebowitz 21:36h, 07 November Reply

    “You’ve got to let me know. I was offered a lucrative gig posing in the OU lobby for Hanukkah. Can you beat their price?”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 22:00h, 07 November Reply

    “Hanukkah is the only time of the year when I can make any real money. Yet a lot of people accuse me of having a gelt complex.”

  • Stephen Nadler 22:51h, 07 November Reply

    “Those reindeer games we wouldn’t let Rudolph play? Dreidl.”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 10:53h, 08 November Reply

    “Rudolph has only one light, I have nine. There;s no contest.”

  • Marvin Sager 11:29h, 08 November Reply

    “Many times I suffered from HOOF and MOUTH DISEASE!”

  • Marvin Sager 11:40h, 08 November Reply

    “Once I crossed paths with Richard Spencer, and he gave me the Nazi salute. In return, I WikiLeak-ed all over his despicable body!”

  • Wendy Foxmyn 11:43h, 08 November Reply

    My mother was Jewish

  • Marvin Sager 12:13h, 08 November Reply

    “Because my Bubbe thought I Wouldn’t amount to much, I always gave her BUPKIS for the holidays to prove her point!”

  • Marvin Sager 14:51h, 08 November Reply

    “Just think of me as being a real MENSCH, AHEAD above all others!”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 15:46h, 08 November Reply

    I’d rather ride with you this year–it’ll beat posing as U.J.A.’s Hanukkah symbol.

  • Thomas A. Koloski 18:05h, 08 November Reply

    “Tell me it’s not on a Saturday.”

  • Marvin Sager 18:30h, 08 November Reply

    “Santa, you shouldn’t let Rudolph drink alcoholic beverages, because his nose is RED enough!”

  • Marvin Sager 06:48h, 09 November Reply

    “Santa, I want you to know that I produced many offspring over the years. I have a condition now called BRAG-ga-DOE-cio!”

  • Robert D. Diamant 11:18h, 09 November Reply

    Nicky, if you’re auditioning for the North Pole Follies production of Fiddler, that getup will not get you the gig in the ghetto.

  • Robert D. Diamant 11:24h, 09 November Reply

    Why is it so important to you if I like sour cream or apple sauce on my latkes?

  • Robert D. Diamant 11:29h, 09 November Reply

    Ashkenazi, Sephardic, Orthodox, Humanist, Reconstructionist, Hasidic? I’m from north of the Arctic Circle; you figure it out!!

  • Robert D. Diamant 11:31h, 09 November Reply

    Do you think the anti-semites really care how man horns I have?

    • Marvin Sager 09:11h, 12 November Reply

      Well, the anti-Semites have 2 horns (for the DEVIL incarnate)! 🙂

  • Robert D. Diamant 11:32h, 09 November Reply

    Tha above should be “many.”

  • Robert D. Diamant 11:37h, 09 November Reply

    Nick, please stop horning in on the conversations I am having with Rudy; he is not converting yet).

  • Robert D. Diamant 11:38h, 09 November Reply

    Trump will blame me for YOUR decision to skip the White House this year.

  • Robert D. Diamant 11:59h, 09 November Reply

    It was the last straw when you threatened to replace us with drones!

  • Robert D. Diamant 12:06h, 09 November Reply

    Look, I am not getting into a Talmudic dispute with you about my inability to lay teffillin!

  • Robert D. Diamant 12:51h, 09 November Reply

    It is truly stereotypical that on December 25, I get an urge for Chinese food….

  • Robert D. Diamant 12:59h, 09 November Reply

    No, Nick; calling it a Chanukah bush does not change anything…..

  • Robert D. Diamant 13:03h, 09 November Reply

    Hey, I happen to have loved Adam Sandler’s Chanukah song before I converted…

  • Robert D. Diamant 13:05h, 09 November Reply

    And by the way, “White Christmas” and “Easter Parade” were written by a member of my tribe, Irving Berlin.

  • Robert D. Diamant 13:19h, 09 November Reply

    My parents originally had it done to me for health purposes so I fortunately did not have to get the procedure done when I converted.

  • Robert D. Diamant 15:45h, 09 November Reply

    Yes, I know you’ve got Cole Porter, Noel Coward and Duke Ellington, but we’ve got Kern, Hammerstein, , Rodgers, Hart, Berlin, the Gershwins, Lerner, Loewe, Weill, Brecht, Loesser, Styne, Kander, Ebb, Bernstein, SONDHEIM. I could go on but you get the picture…..

  • Marvin Sager 19:13h, 09 November Reply

    “Santa, on my air routes, I need to stop often at StarBUCKS for that extra KICK of energy!”

  • Marvin Sager 19:24h, 09 November Reply

    “If you run out of my regular food, then I’ll take some BUCKwheat pancakes!”

  • Marvin Sager 19:58h, 09 November Reply

    “Where I was born, there were two basic animals which were the deer and swine. The community was called BUCKingHAM County!”

  • JR 20:22h, 09 November Reply

    “I have to moonlight.”

  • JR 20:22h, 09 November Reply

    “I can multi-task.”

  • Dale Stout 22:25h, 09 November Reply

    Can you flick your Bic?

  • Dale Stout 22:29h, 09 November Reply

    Did you know that Noel spelled backwards is Leon?

  • Dale Stout 22:30h, 09 November Reply

    Don’t eat yellow latkes.

  • Dale Stout 22:31h, 09 November Reply

    You look like you’ve had too much eggnog.

  • Dale Stout 23:06h, 09 November Reply

    Have your people call my people.

  • Dale Stout 23:09h, 09 November Reply

    It so happens that I am available this year.

  • Marvin Sager 07:35h, 10 November Reply

    “Because I studied the Talmud, I was once offered a professorship teaching religious studies at BUCKnell University!”

  • Marvin Sager 07:47h, 10 November Reply

    “I’m listed in Ripley’s Believe It or Not because I once “hooked up” with a wild horse. The results produced a BUCKing bronco!” (YIPPEE KI YAY!)

  • Marvin Sager 08:03h, 10 November Reply

    “I love college sports at the University of Texas – go LONGHORNS! When the crowd hollers, ‘HOOK EM HORNS,’ I always get TANGLED UP with the MASCOT!”

  • Stephen Nadler 08:40h, 10 November Reply

    “Check it twice. It’s a hanukkiah.”

  • Stephen Nadler 09:06h, 10 November Reply

    “There’s something Mrs. Claus wants you to know.”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 17:15h, 10 November Reply

    “Surely you must have seen me on “Antiques Roadshow.”

  • Robert D. Diamant 19:11h, 10 November Reply

    I am taking a vacation next week in DEERfield Beach; it’s easy to find a minyan there….

  • Robert D. Diamant 19:14h, 10 November Reply

    Hey Nick, did you catch Bet Midler in “Hello Dolly,” earlier this year. Her rendition of “So Long DEERie” was awesome!

  • Marvin Sager 20:07h, 10 November Reply

    “When I tried out for the Milwaukee BUCKS team, the coach asked me, ‘Where’s the BEEF?”‘

  • Gerald Lebowitz 20:09h, 10 November Reply

    Remember “Trees,” by Joyce Kilmer (1886-1918)?

    I think that I shall never see
    A poem lovely as a tree.

    A tree whose hungry mouth is prest
    Against the sweet earth’s flowing breast;

    A tree that looks at God all day,
    And lifts her leafy arms to pray;

    A tree that may in summer wear
    A nest of robins in her hair;

    Upon whose bosom snow has lain;
    Who intimately lives with rain.

    Poems are made by fools like me,
    But only God can make a tree.
    ********************************************
    Well, here’s “Trees: Part II.” written by current funnyman Mo Rocca:

    Joyce Kilmer’s famous poem “Trees”
    Always leaves me ill at ease.

    You know the verse I’m speaking of,
    The one where Joyce professes love

    For every tree that’s ever been,
    Deciduous or evergreen.

    The couplets jangle every time
    With singsong meter, obvious rhyme.

    The sentiment, it seems, well … false,
    A bit too thick with grandma’s schmaltz.

    So as you’ll gather, I’m no fan.
    And by the way–he was a man.
    ******************************************
    Ordinarily, this would end here, but my exchange with Robert Diamant reminded me of Ogden Nash, who wrote this topper:

    I think that I shall never see
    A billboard lovely as a tree.

    Perhaps, unless the billboards fall,
    I’ll never see a tree at all.

    🙂 🙂 🙂

  • Robert D. Diamant 20:24h, 10 November Reply

    Mr. Lebowitz, my favorite Nash lines:
    “The Bronx?
    No thonx”

  • Robert D. Diamant 20:27h, 10 November Reply

    Nick, sorry, I thought you said “horns of plenty,” not “plenty of horns.” I’m dyslectic!

  • Marvin Sager 21:10h, 10 November Reply

    Wayne LaPierre asked me, “Do you have a problem delivering TOY GUNS to NRA members?”

    “Well,” I said, “I may get ‘SHOT DOWN’ if I COMPLAIN!”

  • Gerald Lebowitz 21:26h, 10 November Reply

    Robert D.:

    Winter Morning Poem

    Winter is the king of showmen
    Turning tree stumps into snowmen
    And houses into birthday cakes
    And spreading sugar over lakes.

    Smooth and clean and frosty white
    The world looks good enough to bite.
    That’s the reason to be young
    Catching snowflakes on your tongue.

    Snow is snowy when it’s snowing
    I’m sorry it’s slushy when it’s going.

    —-Ogden Nash

  • Marvin Sager 07:03h, 11 November Reply

    “That’s O.K. if you don’t like my jokes because I have a TOUGH BUCKSKIN HIDE!”

  • Marvin Sager 07:15h, 11 November Reply

    “Santa, no wonder you never invite me into your home. You have a sign on your front door that says, ‘THE BUCK STOPS HERE!”‘

  • Robert D. Diamant 07:44h, 11 November Reply

    Yes Nick, I know Bing Crosby never recorded “White Chanukah.”

  • Robert D. Diamant 07:48h, 11 November Reply

    The transition occurred overnight.
    I went to bed thinking of boughs of holly and woke up thinking of slices of cholly.

  • Robert D. Diamant 08:00h, 11 November Reply

    Well, we both agree that “The Book of Mormons” was hysterically funny..

  • Robert D. Diamant 08:12h, 11 November Reply

    Nick, you are confusing them. Shlmeil” is the one who spills the soup; “shlmazel” is the one who gets the soup spilled on him.”

  • Robert D. Diamant 08:18h, 11 November Reply

    “The Nun’s Story” used to be my favorite film; now it’s “Yentl.”

  • Robert D. Diamant 09:15h, 11 November Reply

    Nick, just because you eat bagels and lox after church on Sundays does not make you eligible to be counted as part of a minyan!

  • Robert D. Diamant 09:35h, 11 November Reply

    Nick, did you coin the phrase “flyover states?” This December 25, please fly over Pennsylvania, Michigan, Indiana, Michigan and Wisconsin….

  • Robert D. Diamant 09:39h, 11 November Reply

    I thought I told you that Jews do not need oil changes during Chanukah…

  • Robert D. Diamant 10:58h, 11 November Reply

    Nick, I’m sure you can understand why I vociferously protested “The Deer Hunter” winning an Academy Award for best picture…

  • Robert D. Diamant 11:21h, 11 November Reply

    You know I was never able to rise above buck private when I flew for the Air Force….

  • Robert D. Diamant 11:26h, 11 November Reply

    I had to join a reform synagogue because I cannot secure a yarmulke to my head.

  • Robert D. Diamant 11:33h, 11 November Reply

    Nick, the title is not “Deer Evan Hanson…”

  • Robert D. Diamant 11:38h, 11 November Reply

    I’m the one who lobbied to change “ARMistice Day” to Veterans Day.”

  • Robert D. Diamant 12:10h, 11 November Reply

    Deer Diary….

    Waddaya mean there’s a spelling error? It is MY diary….

  • Robert D. Diamant 12:13h, 11 November Reply

    My great grandfather’s favorite serial on 1950s TV was “Buck Rogers.”

  • Robert D. Diamant 13:36h, 11 November Reply

    Nick, Robert D. Diamant submitted forty-five captions! Someone should tell him to get a life….

  • Robert D. Diamant 15:51h, 11 November Reply

    I DO NOHAVE A BUCKet LIST!!!!

  • Gerald Lebowitz 18:25h, 11 November Reply

    On November 22, 1963, JFK was assassinated. His death wasn’t the only death on that day. Aldous Huxley also died on that November 22nd. But there was one more death on that day. It was the death of Vaughn Meader’s career.

    Vasughn Meader was the best John F. Kennedy impersonator ever. He looked like JFK and sounded exactly like him. He was very funny and made a lot of money from his performances and albums. Here are three of his bits. In the first one he is distributing Caroline’s and John John’s toys to them:

    “Nine of the PT boats, two of the Yogi Bear beach balls, and the ball of Silly Putty belong to Caroline. Nine of the PT boats, one of the Yogi Bear beach balls, and the two Howdy Doody plastic bouncing clowns are baby John’s. The rubber swan is mine.”

    In another bit, he was asked the chances of a Jewish president: “Well, I think they’re pretty good. Let me say, I don’t see why a person of the Jewish faith can’t be president of the United States. Of course I know as a Catholic I could never vote for him, but other than that …”

    Or, in a mock interview, a reporter asks: “Sir, when are we going to send a man to the moon?” And Meader/JFK answers: “Whenever Mr. Goldwater wants to go.”

    After that fateful day in 1963, the anniversary of which is rapidly approaching, Vaughn Meader’s career went down the drain. He had been a one-trick pony or, if you’ll pardon my irresistible pun (sorry, Dale) using the lyric from a Rodgers and Hart song, a Johnny one-note, whose talent was useless after the real John was gunned down.

    The night after the assassination, Lenny Bruce got onstage in New York City, grabbed the microphone, and offered the very last word: “Boy, did Vaughn Meader get fucked.”

  • Marvin Sager 18:59h, 11 November Reply

    “My religious teaching allows me to get on bended knee and SPRAY!”

  • Marvin Sager 19:18h, 11 November Reply

    “Pearl S. Buck wrote THE GOOD EARTH, and like the GOOD BUCK that I am, I help fertilize it!”

  • Robert D. Diamant 19:25h, 11 November Reply

    Gerald, a day none of us will ever forget! I loved Meader’s take on JFK; I believe he was on Ed Sullivan a lot. I’m having a lot of fun participating in this contest.

  • Grald Lebowitz 19:50h, 11 November Reply

    Robert D., and everybody else here is having a lot of fun thanks to YOUR wonderful contributions. Thanks again for all you do.

  • R Getz 19:52h, 11 November Reply

    Its good thing Christmas Eve lines up with Chanukkah this year, Rudolph.

    • R Getz 19:53h, 11 November Reply

      I meant–It’s a good thing…

  • Gerald Lebowitz 20:54h, 11 November Reply

    Robert D., and YOUR wonderful contributions add immeasurably to everyone else’s fun.
    Thanks for everything.

  • Michael robinaugh 21:15h, 11 November Reply

    Rudolph’s sick? Sure , I’ll guide your sleigh tonight.

  • Marvin Sager 21:47h, 11 November Reply

    “Santa, do I need to ‘Whistle While I Work,’ or can I just pretend to chew my cud?”

  • Robert D. Diamant 07:05h, 12 November Reply

    Nick, are you delivering toys to Virginia first because Virginia said that there is a Santa Claus?

  • Marvin Sager 07:55h, 12 November Reply

    Time for Santa’s VIAGRA
    +++
    Santa has a FIRM OUTlook on life (when on VIAGRA)!
    +++
    Sometimes the VIAGRA gets stuck in his gums. Then he has what the Brittish calls a STIFF upper lip!
    ***
    Sometimes the VIAGRA gets stuck in his throat. Therefore you might say that he doesn’t need a neck brace!
    ***
    Santa (when on VIAGRA) likes many HO-HO-HOS in his life, but don’t tell Mrs. Claus!
    +++
    In conclusion, we should all recognize Gerald Lebowitz for his HARD work (and he won’t admit to using VIAGRA as if he needs it). Now and again, he enjoys a STIFF drink (VIAGRA added?). I admire his ability to stay on top (VIAGRA again?) of POTENT subjects (if you understand my meaning). You are the BEST (man) Gerald (VIAGRA?)! THANKS! 🙂

  • Dale Stout 08:44h, 12 November Reply

    You blew out my candles because of someone’s birthday?

  • Robert D. Diamant 10:59h, 12 November Reply

    Gerald, I am raising a glass in recognition of your Herculean efforts. Before my transition, I would have filled it with Chianti; now I chug down Manischevitz Concord grape…

  • Marvin Sager 07:33h, 13 November Reply

    “Recently it was so cold at the North Pole, that I was chased by a ‘Woolly’ polar bear. When he caught up with me, he gave me a terrible FROSTBITE!”

  • Marvin Sager 07:53h, 13 November Reply

    “Santa, on top of your house you are growing a beautiful Christmas tree. This may qualify you for a GREENHOUSE (LEED) certification!”

  • Dale Stout 09:49h, 13 November Reply

    Did you sign the Non-Compete Claus?

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