Prove Your Comedy Chops with Moment’s Cartoon Caption Contest
Welcome to the Moment Magazine Cartoon Caption Contest, founded with the help of New Yorker cartoon editor Bob Mankoff, and drawn by New Yorker cartoonist Ben Schwartz.
Do you have a way with words and humor? If so, look at the cartoon below and send us a caption—or two or three! Plus scroll down to vote for your favorite caption. It’s free and fun!
Winners may claim a free Moment subscription for a friend of family member. Contest open to U.S. residents 18 and above.
Plus: Read interviews with some of our most prolific caption contest contributors here.
Submit a caption for this cartoon by February 10 by writing it in as a comment at the bottom of this page!
Vote for your favorite caption by filling out the form immediately below!
“You’re too late. Sukkot is over.”
—Gerald Lebowitz, New York, NY
“You must be from Congregation Beth Mayflower.”
—William Agress, Lawrenceville, NJ
“So you’re from the Massachusetts part of the family?”
—Michael Lomazow, Riverside, CA
Vote for your favorite! The winner will receive a free subscription to Moment to give to a friend. Any U.S. resident age 18 or older can enter.
Chuckle at the September/October issue 2020 winning caption—and see who wrote it!
“Here’s my elevator pitch: In the beginning…”
—Dale Stout, Colorado Springs, CO
How to Submit Your Caption(s)
Submit as a comment below by February 10, 2021 Finalists will appear in the upcoming issue. To vote for the winner of the November/December 2020 contest (see finalists above), use the vote form.
Santa is being held hostage at Mira Lago until he agrees to testify that he interfered with the mail ballots.
Michael,
Are you sure you wouldn’t want to have a second career as a meteorologist? Or at least as an advertising copywriter? Your description is beautiful and very tempting.
When I was much younger, my friends and I were interested in whether forecasting. When we’d meet a girl, we’d always ask ourselves whether …
(If you were a weatherman, Michael, and you wanted to go someplace for a drink after work, I guess you’d go to an isobar. Sorry, Dale.)
Michael,
Michael,
Sorry to bring up your bete noir again, but thought you’d appreciate the hypocrisy:
“Despite the raging coronavirus pandemic that has killed at least 330,000 Americans, the president’s annual black-tie New Year’s Eve party at his Florida resort is still on. President Trump’s year-end parties at Mar-a-Lago are lavish affairs, the Palm Beach Post reported, often drawing hundreds of guests. While there’s no official word on the size of this year’s guest list, CNN reports that ‘a member of Mar-a-Lago… heard buzz that at least 500 reservations have already been confirmed.’ While Palm Beach County has an ongoing mask mandate, Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis, a close ally of the president, banned local governments in September from enforcing fines for violating coronavirus guidelines.”
If I was a weatherman,I’d be interested in BARometric pressure.As for Trump,he constantly raises my pressure,and lowers my expectations,already rock bottom.
If I was a weatherman,I’d be interested in BARometric pressure.As for Trump,he constantly raises my pressure,and lowers my expectations,already rock bottom.
The mention of bars made me think of my first date with my wife,circa 1968.After a movie,we went to a bar called “A guiet little table in the corner,” which was on 37th and Madison.All the booths were separated by glass beads and the sound of quiet jazz permeated the room.You couldn’t see the other patrons.Very sophisticated.We were so young.
Mary Pickford was a very famous early movie actress and producer who enjoyed acclaim for over 50 years. She was a great friend of Charlie Chaplin and told the following story:
“Chaplin was one day at a fair in the United States where the principal attraction was a competition as to who could best imitate the Charlie Chaplin walk. The real Charlie thought there might be a chance for him, so he entered the contest minus his celebrated mustache and boots. He was a frightful failure, and came in twentieth.”
I guess the moral of the story is to be oneself, not imitate oneself, for although it’s said that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, it does not come across as a genuine or innocently spontaneous act, which is what we all love to see. When a child does something artless, we all praise her. But when she sees what approval she gets and repeats her act in order to get attention, we dismiss her as being contrived. That is the supreme challenge: how to be spontaneous on purpose.
I want to tell a story and will, unless someone objects. I’ll wait five minutes and then proceed unless one of you stops me. (Time passing) Well, I’ve given it the minutes and haven’t heard from Stephen or Michael or Marvin or anyone else, so I’ll assume that you don’t object to hearing my tale:
All the organs of the body decided to have a meeting to determine which was top dog, the most important. The two loudest voices belonged to the stomach and the brain. The stomach claimed that he was the most vital by virtue of the fact that he took in all the food and did the work to process it so as to provide enough energy for everybody so that they could perform their functions. “Without me, you would be nothing,” the stomach concluded.
Then the brain spoke. “You are,” he said to the stomach, “only the forerunner, as John the Baptist was when he came first to prepare the world for Jesus. “I’m the most wise one who finds the food, who tells you what is good and what is bad for you, who directs you toward prosperity.”
Who was the winner? Obviously neither one, as both are essential in order for the body to function. Unfortunately, Mitch McConnell has never learned this lesson. He shot down the proposed increased stimulus package on the grounds that it was an example of creeping socialism, that it would benefit the wealthy, that most of the money would go to the blue states. Is he crazy? Wasn’t subsidizing three-martini lunches enough of a gift to them? As for the cost, he never blinked when he approved funding of Trump’s ridiculous and utterly useless wall which has kept out no immigrant who really wants to enter this country.
If there is a moral to the fable, it is that every part of the body is essential, just as doctors have learned, say, that removing a gall bladder can set up unforeseen changes that have to be dealt with.
Michael, you’re smarter and more dispassionately analytical than I am. Tell me, please, how can so many people in our social body support people like McConnell—and Trump? I can only conclude that they are part of a mass madness that I never experienced before.
Authoritarian personality syndrome is a state of mind characterized by a total belief and obedience to one’s s authority.The syndrome is often triggered by fear,making it easy for leaders who exaggerate threat or fear monger to gain their allegiance.My take is that a good part of Americans are fearful of their lot in life…decreasing job security and unhappiness which causes them to blame migrants,minorities and liberal democrats for their decreasing satisfaction with their plight.Trump,with his overt and hidden bias,appeals to the sensibilities of these “forgotten” people,who look to successful people to represent their anger with the world around them.Trump is a manifestation of years of dissatisfaction by an unsuccessful American populace.
Michael,
Thanks. You completely answered my question. Society is changing, and reactions to events are changing, almost like an earthquake that erases expectations just as it does the landscape.
Incidentally, I just read that a Sandy Koufax rookie card recently sold for over $93,000. He remains the youngest player ever to be elected to the Hall of Fame. If I remember correctly, he was once known as “The Left Arm of God.”
Not bad for a Jewish kid from Brooklyn. Too bad his marriages were not as successful …
Koufax turned 85 yesterday,Dec.30.He looks like a guy 20 years younger.His highest salary was about 135,000.If he was pitching today,he would make at least 35 million per year.Most of his money since retirement has been made from signing at baseball card shows and from Koufax products sold at the shows.I have a beat up rookie card worth maybe 100.00.If it was mint,then you get big money.Like all baseball fans from the 1950’s to 1960’s,I had plenty of great cards as a kid,now long gone.A Mickey Mantle rookie card in mint condition is worth a fortune.A Honus Wagner Tobacco card,of which there are only about 15 known survivors,has sold for about a million dollars.I spent my youth purchasing,trading and collecting cards,now all gone but the memories are priceless.
I just looked up the Wagner card……3.25 million!!!!!!
I will answer your elegant observations about President Trump, Mitch McConnell, and others in two words, GREED & POWER! That’s how Adolph Hitler was elected Fuhrer in the most advanced country in the world (Germany) in science, literature, art, etc. Hitler was able to kill anyone he disliked and destroy any countries he chose. Even his closest comrades were condemned to death in the end. We in America, along with other countries, have not learned the lessons from history.
Gerald, my question to you is how do we tolerate the cigarette companies (among others) that are purveyors of death? Their products for decades have caused misery & slow-agonizing death to all who choose to use them. There are no redeemable properties of tobacco (cigarettes, cigars, pipes, snuff, chewing tobacco, e-cigarettes, bongs, hookahs, etc.)! On top of all this, the tobacco companies have been lying to the America people & world countries since the beginning. In their last appearance, 6 tobacco CEOs came to testify under oath in Washington, D.C. to Congress. Each CEO testified to one question. Is nicotine addictive? Each CEO (under penalty of perjury) testified that nicotine is not addictive. As a matter of fact, their individual tobacco company research proved years prior that nicotine is not only addictive, but nicotine is more addictive than cocaine or heroine! No tobacco CEO was charged with perjury or fined. They left Washington, D.C. with not even a rebuke, and flew back to their individual state on their private jet plane. GREED & POWER!
Despite all of this, I wish you all a Happy New Year!
Marvin,
I have before me an early Newsweek magazine with a full-page ad saying, “20,679 Physicians say ‘Luckies Are Less Irritating Because They’re Toasted,'” followed by the words “Your Throat Protection Against Irritation and Against Cough.” There were vigorous, healthy, fun-loving people in the cigarette ads of the time–including, of course, sports and entertainment celebrities as well as physicians and other people of science. Thanks for your elegant and wonderful observations. You’ve got not only a brilliant sense of humor but a mind always on target. Many thanks!
Did you know? Steven Spielberg has the most expensive life insurance policy in the world … at $1.2 billion.
I don’t know about you, but I’d feel uncomfortable having life insurance worth more than I was.
1.2 billion is an amount unfathomable to almost all Americans but not to Spielberg.
Watching the ball drop in Times Square is easy for Californians who see it happen at 9PM,PST.No midnight madness for us!Watching Anderson Cooper and Andy Cohen do their thing and then sleeping by 930.
Michael and Marvin,
Thanks for your invaluable insights. You know, I had always operated under the assumption that people would always do what was best for themselves. For instance, would you vote for me if I said that if I were elected I would do away with your job?
What I failed to realize is that some people prefer obstacles, prefer pain. The whole Protestant ethic pushes hard work, discipline, frugality, almost as if one is saved the more one sits on the head of a pin–suffering means grace. Remember the old interchange? Masochist to sadist: “Please hit me!” Sadist: “No!” Today society is changing rapidly and people look to dictators, strong leaders, to tell them what to do to avoid confusion. Frank Abagnale was a con man, an imposter, a check forger and swindler who wrote the best-seller “Catch Me If You Can” that was made into the movie starring Leo DiCaprio. Abagnale is now a security consultant with a net worth of over $10 million. In an interview, he was once asked how he could get people to go against their best interests and do what he asked. He said, “The secret is that you’ve got to get them to like you. The more you can build some kind of intimacy, the easier it is to manipulate them.” Trump is the quintessential con man, speaking conspiratorially to his followers, demolishing all criticism by calling it fake news. And before you knew it, you had paid good money to sign up for a shitty course at Trump University, or worse.
Sorry for rambling, but I don’t think I’ll be too surprised again at the self-destructive things a lot of people may do.
Dismayed, yes. But not as surprised as I used to be.
Thanks, guys. Happy New Year to ALL.
Picking a jury is a good example of the manipulation process.Besides trying to weed out those,based on their life experiences,who would be adverse to your interests,you are also attempting to humanize yourself,an attempt to have them feel comfortable with you,so that you are sub-consciously pushing the idea that you would not lie to them.Trust me,and therefore my client.A good trial lawyer needs to be good at it.
Michael,
Your post reminds me of another quote by George Burns: “The key to success is sincerity. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.” Now when I see it, I’ll think of trial lawyers choosing a jury.
Shakespeare once asked, “What’s in a name?” I wonder what he’d make of this:
Last May, Elon Musk and his girlfriend, musician Claire Boucher, had a child
and named him X AE A-12.
Is that a Jewish name? Was he named after someone? What will his nickname be in the future?
The questions abound
Marvin,
“Around 1,000 to 4,000 orchid plants are used to make a single kilogram of salep, a beloved drink in Turkey that is like a cross between hot chocolate and rice pudding.”
Marvin? Marvin? Marvin?
Oh, I guess he ran out to make a airplane reservation.
If you want diet salep,can you cut the number of orchids down to 500?
Gerald,
Salep is a famous drink in Turkey sometimes used for digestive problems and as a winter staple. It is actually made from orchid tubers mixed with other products as you mentioned. If you are inclined to try this brew, then I have a comment from Frank Sinatra:
“I feel bad for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.”
I must hurry now, for my reservation includes a trip to my home bar and to indulge in a drink of brandy that satisfies me just fine!
Marvin,
Hmmm–if drinking is what makes you the way you are—so smart and funny and compassionate–maybe I ought to consider it. Thanks for everything.
Gerald,
May I suggest a chilled glass of Beaujolais Nouveau to represent the new year 2021. But, don’t tell anyone that I drove you to drink!
I need others to tell me that I am smart and funny and compassionate, so enjoy your HAPPY NEW YEAR drink of choice and keep the accolades on coming!
Your kind remarks are always appreciated. THANKS for all you do to enrich everyone’s lives!
My taste buds are definitely unrefined.I am very happy with a 5.00 dollar bottle of wine from trader joe’s.It is something I look forward to each day,with lunch,fter the dog walk.One large glass of wine to keep the heart beating.One bottle lasts about three days since my wife doesn’t drink.Today it’s Chinese chicken salad with a glass of wine.Yum.
Michael,
Glad to hear you are keeping your (GOOD HEARTED) HEART in tip top CARDIAC CONDITION!
For New Years get the biggest wine “bang for your bucks!” CHEERS!
(Does your wife keep you on short CHANGE, I mean a short chain?)
My wife has actually never tried to control me….nor me her.Both of us are Brooklyn born and bred,totally uncontrollable.
Maybe not overtly, but any two people living together get used to each other’s boundaries (limits) and so each is held in check by the other, even though the borders are not explicit and they might not be aware of it. They know how far they can go with each other. We’re all constrained by the very nature of being in a family, in a society. Even Trump was formed by family interactions.
Reminding me of the story of the husband and wife taking a vacation in Amish country one summer and the husband looking out of the window at some Amish going by in a horse-drawn carriage. The husband looks at his wife and says, “Look at that wagon. Why can’t you and I travel over the highway of life like those two horses pulling their load?”
“We can’t,” the wife says without a pause, “because one of us is a jackass.”
There is no record of the poor husband’s reaction to his wife’s remark.
Best for the new (minus-Trump) year.
While we are obviously sensitive to each other’s like’s and dislikes, on the main issues of someone’s paths through their lives,in who they choose to be,who they are comfortable with,their major decisions regarding what are usually seen as important in getting through one’s life,like family,money,jobs,friends,etc.,we let each other alone to make their decisions.The small things are the things you would be sensitive to as a matter of decency while the major issues are the one’s where self restraint is important.Everyone has the right to live their own lives,unencumbred by pressure from even their closest relationships.
I know a couple who have a very balanced relationship. He chooses the approach to problems like how much the government stimulus checks should be, whom to vote for when elections are held, and when elected officials need to be criticized. Her choices are much more limited. She only gets to choose the small things like where to live, whom and how much to tip during holidays like Chanukah and Christmas, and what foods and furniture need to be purchased for their house, which she picked out, by the way, since he’s more concerned with the macro-picture involving international relations. While she’s concerned with the household budget these days, his time has been taken up with the hostilities in Afghanistan. The wife doesn’t seem to mind the greater scope of her husband. They never step on each other’s toes.
Whatever works for them.
Trumps phone call,released today,is further evidence of criminal behavior.Asking the Republican official to find additional votes in his favor,is evidence of attempted election interference and despicable on its face.His suggestion that the official could be on the hook for criminal problems if he does nothing is laughable.Also,all the attorneys in the room with Trump,government lawyers at that,should and could be prosecuted.The thing that makes this so prosecutable,is how stupid Trump is.His failed attempt to make the call kosher is hilarious.If he pardons himself,and I think this will definitely spur him on to do that,we will have a future supreme court case on the pardon power.
Trump is a rotten Georgia peach…rotten to the core.
Michael,
There are two things to know in order to understand Trump. First, he never pays for anything, always having used all sorts of tax dodges so that everything he spends is a business expense to be deducted from taxes owed. Second,an axiom of his is that he is never supposed to lose. A legion of people who have played golf with him, for example, have reported how blatantly he cheats, without any embarrassment. He was always cushioned from the world by his father’s wealth and is living in a world of his own. If not for the devastating destruction caused by the coronavirus and his childish denial of the severity of the plague, he would have won. Imagine how his children have been shaped. Ivanka has been described as cold-blooded. Why wouldn’t she be, growing up to be a sex object for a father whose affections could turn ice cold at any time. Her brothers were brought up to feel stupid, lacking in intelligence, and so have been brought up do anything to get into their father’s good graces. But with Trump there is no real closeness or intimacy, only a sense of using or being used.
And of course the supreme irony is that more than 70 million people, starved for emotion in a world of inequality and seeking a savior, voted for him.
What will put history books say about his presidency?I know the whole story is yet to be written,but you may have put your finger on the answer.He was a figure who inspired allegiance,even when the overwhelming evidence pointed to his stupidity and criminality.Like famous figures in history,his followers will claim he was misunderstood,and in any event,they were just following orders.
Some people squirm at the possibility of sending an American President to jail.My take is that sending him to prison is the surest way of restoring the rule of law to American Politics and to American jurisprudence generally.If I was the judge,asked to decide guilt and punishment,I would have no problem convicting him and sending him to prison.His attempt to threaten the election official is clear on its face.How anyone ever voted for this clown,or expected a different result,is worthy of a psychiatric paper.I already opined on this so I will leave it alone.Can their be any doubt that we elected,with plenty of warning,the most unprepared and dumbest president in history?Only the American public is as dumb.We are a nation of imbeciles.
I don’t think we’re “a nation of imbeciles.” I think we’re a nation of people tied down, desperate, hungry for genuine emotion and financial equality, having been confused for so long by the doublespeaking media and politicians whose words and rules we’re told to read and listen to and obey. George Orwell would understand. When Trump came along, his head above the clouds, he was like a messiah breaking through the screen, mocking all our realities and promising a bright and clear future. It’s telling that Trump himself never reads, only watches TV and tweets. Even though Trump will soon be gone, he’s brought us to a new order. What will it be? We’re living in frightening but interesting times.
tv
to
You say potato,I say potatoe
NEW CARTOON CAPTION CONTEST
“Throw the BUM OUT!” (I was referring to 2020, but it could apply to others.)
“Give him BIG SHOTS of COVID-19, as he earned it!” ( All BIG SHOTS deserve this action.)
“LOCK HIM UP, LOCK HIM UP, LOCK HIM UP! I’ve been saying this all year!”
“He may be an illegal alien!”
“Give my regards to Broadway,Donald.”
The officer hoped to put an end to 2020’s indecent exposure. 2021 provided hope for decent exposure…but there was a familiar smell.
” You promised me a doctorate,Donald. “
“Make sure you change his diaper to kill some of the stink!”
“You definitely overdid it.”
” That ‘s some fine mess you’ve gotten me into. “
“Give him the Presidential Suite at Rikers Island Prison!”
“So long,farewell,auf wiedersehen,goodbye.”
The story of Donald Trump’s relationship with his kids reminds me of the following Zen tale, which I hope you enjoy. Many thanks to Michael and Marvin for their always wonderful and thought-provoking posts.
Hundreds of years ago in the Chinese province of Huizhou lived a master thief, too clever to ever have been caught. He was getting old and decided to retire. But before he did, he vowed to teach his son the craft, so he invited the boy to come with him on his next job. Entering a house, he pointed out a large, ornate chest to his son. He motioned for the boy to jump in while he explored the rest of the dwelling. But the minute the boy got in, the father closed the lid and locked it and ran away. Terrified, the boy screamed for help. Hearing the racket, neighbors rushed in and opened the chest, and the boy jumped out and ran, followed by the villagers calling, “Thief!” “Thief!” With speed and cleverness the boy was able to finally elude his pursuers and get home, breathless and exhausted, to find his father contentedly smoking his pipe before the fire.
“Ah,” said the father. “I have nothing more to teach you. You’ll do fine on your own.”
Very interesting but we don’t want to give Trump too much credit..He was never as clever as the successful thief,but he did manage to steal and screw a lot of people in his time.
” Trump,Rudy,Pandemic…You never had a chance. “
Congratulations to Dale Stout for his winning excellent caption.Good for you!
Thank you so much, Michael :^)
“Make sure he doesn’t get bail.”
“Don’t count on a pardon.”
” I told you the pandemic was a step too far. “
Dale Stout (THE PUNdit MAN):
To my colleagues on this blog, please join me in giving Dale a RAISE in reference to his recent win. (Referring to the ELEVATOR caption.)
(No other RAISE necessary, if you don’t object.)
CONGRATULATIONS Dale! ( We expect continued exceptional entries in the future.) THANKS!
I already did,just above your post,but I certainly think he deserves a 2nd shout-out!!…so congratulations again!!
Thank you, Marvin! I think I may go out and get a shooter of Brandy :^)
Dale,
Since your STATUS has been RAISED (no pun intended), you should buy at least a bottle of brandy and celebrate your success in style! 🙂
And congratulations to Gerald, William, and Michael for achieving finalist status. I’m glad we’re keeping it in the family.
Thankyou!
Stephen,
Thanks, as always, for your good wishes.
We’re all in the family, winners or not.
“You belong in the CLINK, where others like your STINK!” ( I should write a poem, but it would probably smell too bad!)
“Your senility defense is unconscionable!”
“Skip prison. Take him straight to quarantine.”
“Book ‘im, Danna!”
I like this one!
“You could have put on a jumpsuit.”
“Boy,you really squandered your time.”
“We taxpayers have to pay for your incarceration! Oy vey!”
” Say hello to 1918 for me. “
“We could send you to Iran, but they might respond with a nuclear bomb attack.”
“It’s got to be Fruit of the Loon.”
“Don’t worry.I’ll call Trump about a pardon.”
“Sedition! Sedition! Your claim to fame!” (Enjoy your prison notoriety.)
It’s been announced that Bill Novak will be talking today for “Moment” on humor, which made me again question what it is. My theory is that most human beings crave order in life, and when something comes along to unsettle them, they try to regain their balance. What we call humor is our attempt to right the scales, no matter how uncomfortable the situation might be.
For example, a friend of mine went to a lecture on spirituality given by a rabbi who was, improbably, grounded in Eastern philosophy. After the lecture he went up to the speaker and, somewhat exasperated, asked, “Tell me, rabbi, do you believe in God?” The rabbi answered, “If you do, I don’t. If you don’t, I do.” The purpose of laughter is to smooth over the wave of uncertainty.
Or consider the story of the English clergyman who was asked for his concept of the afterlife. “Oh, ” he said, “when I die I have no doubt that I will find myself in Heaven, sitting around a tree and listening to God’s detailed explanations of why all things happened. But let’s stop. I don’t want to dwell on such a depressing prospect.”
Or , last, consider the story of the chairman of a multinational corporation who gathered his corporate board members and family together before the annual shareholder’s meeting and said to them: “If I’ve done or said anything at all this past year to upset you or hurt your feelings, all I have to say is—-you’re too sensitive.”
In these situations you’ve got to admit that it’s easier to bring back your balance with laughter than with tears.
Humor is our attempt to demonstrate that the sun will come out tomorrow.
“A little rachmanus would have helped.”
“I’m the one with true 20/20 hindsight.”
“How did you think you could get away with all your crimes and misdemeanors? No matter what happens, my year will trump Trump.”
“Be careful.He’s got bone chips.”
‘You should never have gotten involved with Trump.”
“KLAATU BARADA NIKTO! Only a spaced-out trouble maker like you would understand this message!”
“Before you go in,lose the sash.”
“I just won the Senate.How do you like those apples?”
A black guy and a jew both run for the Senate in Georgia…Finish the joke
“You qualify as a BONE HEAD & BAD TO THE BONE!” (This is more complex than a simple medical diagnosis.)
“The emperor has no clothes.”
” Your not too sexy for your clothes. “
“Can I have your watch?”
“Don’t give me that adar aleph bull.”
“Did you ever pick your feet in Poughkeepsie?” (Gene Hackman wants to know.)
Congratulations to Michael for winning the Cartoon Collections Caption Contest #107, an extremely challenging one. The contest results will be posted here (when they get around to it): https://more.cartooncollections.com/cartoon-caption-contest-winners/
Congratulations! Michael Lomazow
To all concerned: Michael placed #1 in the latest Bob Mankoff Contest. (He must be drinking brandy now to celebrate!)
I didn’t know until I saw Stephen’s post.Meeting people like you on-line is the chief satisfaction.Thank you for the shout-out.
Thank you Stephen…I didn’t know the result until I saw your post!Winning is great but participating is what I enjoy the most….so many great people to meet on-line..The contests are fun and functional in that they keep my brain active.
“Don’t count on a pardon. He’s got other things to do before January 20.”
Michael, congratulations on your Cartoon Collections win. I look forward to seeing the caption when it becomes available. Stephen finds out about these things early because he has access to inside information, a little like the members of Congress who make fortunes trading stocks because they know what’s going to happen before everybody else.
By the way, if you’re looking for an agent, I’m available. I’m well worth the 15% of your winnings that I’ll charge. With your talent and my skill at making deals (I read Trump’s “The Art of the Deal” nine times for an education in what and what not to do), I’m confident that we can make a ton of money together.
I’ll make a reservation for a flight to California as soon as I get my Covid shot. Best.
I didn’t even know until I saw Stephen’s post.Of course it feels good to be recognized but truthfully the opportunity to talk to people like you on-line is worth much more to me.By the way,you can be my agent anytime!
Michael,
Congratulations for your captions with Moment Magazine and for winning at Cartooncollections – more brandy!
Great movie line
Thanks Dale…Coming from you,it’s meaningful(I read your profile in the Magazine)
Every single protestor has been inspired by and given support from our so called president.He called out for this to happen.If violence ensues,it was forseeable.It would never happen but he should be regarded as a co-conspirator in any criminal act that occurs.
Michael,
I just saw the cartoon caption that won you the contest! It’s great and even more praiseworthy given the fact that the cartoon itself was tricky and difficult to caption. I told you you were a pro, and although you denied my praise, you’ve long since proven my word to be true. Of course you had inside information which was helpful to you in solving the cartoon in that you were an almost pro basketball player yourself and on your college team.
You seem to sink every basket here. Congratulations again!
One guy I guarded in high school was Dave Newmark,a Jewish 7 foot kid who went to Lincoln High School in Brooklyn.Since I was 6’3,you can imagine it didn’t go to well for me or my team.He went to Columbia University where he became an all American and then into professional basketball for a few years.I was the tallest player on my team which was very short,even in 1964.The shortest guy I guarded all year was 6’6.The captain of my team went to Harvard on a full scholarship and eventually became the captain of their team.I cherish those days.
By the way,I was hardly a pro.I was an OK player on a losing team.
“How do I HATE you, let me count the ways.” (Even Shakespeare would have difficulty counting that large number.)
Marvin,I am in complete lock step with you.
Hastily now, to the chamber of DNA destruction!
Trump is the guy who supplies the fireworks,lights the fuse and fades away as his brethren are left holding the bag.
Gerald, Imbeciles.There,I said it again.
Trump called the thugs and rioters in Washington heroes. Trump is toast. No one of note will support him again.
Let’s see if I’m wrong again.
A black guy and a Jew go into a bar in Georgia.What did the bartender say?”What can I get you,Senators?
“I won’t have to do anything to be way better than you.”
“You were once young and innocent like me. Was it the coronavirus or Trump that finally did you in?”
You ain’t seen nothing yet.
Who’s calling who pampered?
You’re getting the 25th amendment.
This too shall pass.
A new movie is being arranged. The temporary name will be the DERANGED GODFATHER. The following episodes will be included:
(ARREST)+++++++++ “As you are in dire need of psychiatric help, you have been assigned a prison cell with Dr. Hannibal Lecter.”
(EXAM)++++++++++++”FBI agent Clarice Staring will try and put the PIECES of your life together!” (This occurs after Dr. Lecter has done his thing!)
(CONCLUSION)++++++++”Godfather, your bad deeds will be OVERCOME & CONSUMED after being thoroughly digested!”
++++++++++++++++++++(Dr. Lecter has satisfied his appetite for research!)
Review: This movie should be seen by all who enjoy gory scenes with violence. Rated XXX!
“Can we have your tax returns now?”
” I will take it from here. “
“Your new sash says ‘Prisoner’.”
” Ask for the Kosher diet. “
“Rudy says to ask for conjugal visits.”
Michael,
Surely you appreciate the irony. Four years ago Donald Trump stormed into office railing about the illegal aliens ruining this country and saying that his first priority would be to build a massive wall to keep them out. Now at the end of his presidency he has revealed HIMSELF to be the illegal alien that had to be feared and the wall would have to be erected not along the U.S.-Mexico border but around the capitol–to protect our seat of government from—–him.
Want some humor from all this? I took a slogan that President Trump and all his many enablers from the Republican Party should adopt: “We Have Met the Enemy and They Are Us,” from Walt Kelly’s wonderful old syndicated comic strip “Pogo,” which followed the adventures of its funny animal characters and which was set in the Okefenokee Swamp located in, of all ironical places, the state of Georgia!
I do appreciate the irony, now that you pointed it out.On a more serious side,it strikes me as totally disastrous and incomprehensible that law endorsement was not much more prepared for the invasion of Trumps followers.You could see it coming.It was a total unprofessional law enforcement job.Further,Trump bears ultimate responsibility.He inspired,cajoled and lite the match.It’s amazing he always gets away with his conduct.Having him as president has been a giant stain on our country ,a stain which will not wash out easily.His supporting senators and congressmen should never win another race,which would be ironic in that their support is obviously self serving.I am so disappointed with our country.How could they not see the deficiencies in their hero.As I said before,it’s because they refuse to deal with their own shortcomings.
“Let me guess.It was a very bad year.”
” The kids say no to bail money. “
” So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye. “
“Two years in the hole or four years no golf.It’s up to you.”
” You owe me twenty days. “
“Swallow some bleach.It will shorten your sentence.”
Truth is always stranger than fiction. So read this:
“Outgoing president Donald Trump tweeted out a video Monday night that had a Nobel Prize superimposed over it, though he’s never won one.
The video didn’t include the correct medal, either. The clip tweeted by the president — who has so far refused to concede that he lost the 2020 election to President-elect Joe Biden — lauds him for ‘[standing] for America,’ among other things. The unexplained Nobel Prize appears toward the end of the minute-long video, after a title card that declared, ‘Trump stands for peace.’
Notice, Michael, that when trouble breaks, when there’s violence or danger, his kids are always nowhere to be found, having scattered like clouds.
P.S. He really does believe that he was robbed of the Nobel Peace Prize, which he feels he richly deserves. Go figure.
One last thought: Trump’s offspring have generally been viewed as decorative ornaments, valued only in their proximity to him. Jared, as I guess you know, went to the religiously prestigious Frisch school in Paramus, New Jersey, where he was not viewed as particularly intelligent or accomplished. The people there were astonished that he was entrusted to handle so many delicate assignments in the Middle East, for which, to repeat myself, the Donald genuinely feels that he is entitled to a Nobel Peace Prize. Maybe a place CAN be found for him in the future, right after Attila the Hun.
(Attila himself was known to have a warm, fuzzy, romantic side. It was even said that in private his wife called him “honey.”)
I don’t think Melania calls him honey!Maybe she says, “I need money.” You’re right.His kids do vanish when trouble brews.I’m worried about Donald Jr.,who has designs on the presidency.I wouldn’t have worried about it in the past but Trumps win proves anything is possible.As for Trumps designs on a Nobel,he actually believes he has pulled the wool over enough eyes to have a shot.He regards us all as pawns to be manipulated.Wasn’t there some talk from him a couple of years ago about including him on Mt.Rushmore?After all,according to him,he just completed the most successful first term in history!I hope he lives long enough to see history regarding his time for what it has been…..a disaster.
I mentioned the whole Mount Rushmore thing before you came onto the site. I think I said that in a way this was an appropriate step because he often seemed half-stoned while executing the duties of the presidency. But you have to admit that contacting South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem to explore the possibility was a classic definition of chutzpah.
A side note: Trump was never as successful a businessman as he has pictured himself to be, so carving his likeness on Mount Rushmore would not be the first time he had been chiseled or taken for granite. ( Sorry, I couldn’t resist the puns. I’ve got what’s known in the medical textbooks as the Dale Stout condition.)
If you want chutzpah,listen to his speech tonight where he claims he was just trying to make sure that elections were being conducted in a kosher way…among a bunch of other lies…..enough to make you throw up.
In medical terms, if I should feel ail, I’ll drink some Dale’s Pale Ale and if that doesn’t work, there’s always Guinness Stout – or brandy :^)
Dale,
You could be an Extra Stout Person by consuming plenty of HOPS & ALCOHOLIC “PUNCH” LINES.
But, I would recommend a Stout Hearty Brandy, because you deserve the best “BUZZ ZINGER FOR THE BUCK!” 🙂
“You should have purchased some billboards.”
“With the passage of time even you will be forgotten. “
“Unforgetable, is what you are… “
“Normally, in prison you are allowed 2 showers in a week. But, in your case you will be required to have 2 showers in a day.”
(That’s right, when you STINK that bad, emergency measures must be used!)
“So whose the baby now?”
” I told you that you couldn’t pardon yourself. “
Trump is hearing talk about impeachment and of possible criminal charges for inspiring the violence so he’s starting to panic a little.As a result,we get his speech tonight where he speaks of his distaste for the rioters,talks about making sure that there will be a smooth transition and about how he just wanted fair elections.He is unbelievable!! and thinks we are a nation of fools.Then again……
All the rats are leaving the sinking ship. Even the despicable Lindsay Graham. Talk is that Ivanka and Jared presumably spent more than $32 million on a very secure island property near Miami. The smoke and mirrors of the last four years are slowly dissolving. Remember Shakespeare?
“Our revels now are ended.
These our actors,
As I foretold you,
Were all spirits
And are melted into air,
Into thin air:
And, like the baseless fabric of this vision,
The cloud-capped towers,
The gorgeous palaces,
The solemn temples,
The great globe itself,
Yea, all which it inherit, shall dissolve,
And, like this insubstantial pageant fade,
And leave not a rack behind.”
I won’t miss it.
Will you?
Gerald,you have an unbelievable store of knowledge.It is a pleasure to read your posts as I learn so much….and they are interesting to boot!
Michael,
Whatever my responses are, you always call them forth with your always very rich comments. So at least half the compliment should go to you.
Thanks.
“Maybe he could just do TED talks about social distancing and wearing a mask. “
“Because of your Delusions of Grandeur, the United States now ranks #1 highest in mental illness in the world!”
(Another world record for the U.S.!)
Marvin,have you heard Of The book,The Three Christ’s of Ypsilanti,about three patients in a psychiatric hospital in Michigan who all believed they were Jesus.They were put together in an experiment to try and cure them.It is a true story.
Michael,
A great story! I looked it up to verify my recollection: This was a case of a psychiatric hospital in Ypsilanti, Michigan that spent about 2 years housing 3 “crazy” patients. The pshycologist Milton Rokeach thought these men would learn by being together that their mental problems of believing they were the real Messiah would be debunked. How asinine is that to think mentally disturbed people could be cured living together. Since that worthless experiment, a movie, stage play, and other events were based on this event. There was another experiment were women were put together in a living environment at another psychiatric hospital to convince them that they weren’t the Virgin Mary. To say we live in a “CRAZY WORLD” is an understatement!
Marvin,
Your great post reminds me of solipsism, the philosophy stating that the self is the only reality. I would love to see a convention of solipsists. Imagine all those people trying to prove which one was real!
Thanks for all your submissions, by the way. I always look forward to reading them
Definitely impeach him.You can’t let him get away with this crap.I don’t care he only has 12 days to go.You must put down markers for totally unacceptable behavior.As I previously stated,a prosecutor can make a strong case against him for inspiring and encouraging the activity at the capital.There is even a case to be made for him to be charged with the murder of the officer.If it is reasonably foreseeable that your abetting could result in the crimes committed,you can be a principal.I know it will never happen but a very aggressive prosecutor could file those charges.With the type of language Trump and Gulliani used to spur on the rioters,it would not be beyond the pale to argue that the resulting deaths were reasonably forseeable.I would have loved to argue the issue.
Mahatma Gandhi was a noted Indian activist and leader. He was also a vegetarian on the grounds that he did not want to take life. A few years before his death, however, the results of a scientific study were published, indicating that plants themselves had rudimentary nervous systems. Gandhi waved the study away.
“At least,” he said, “they don’t scream so loudly.”
Newspaper headlines here have all complained about the “lawlessness” that took place in the Capitol the other day. There has always been lawlessness in the Capitol, although done furtively behind closed doors with money changing hands in the dark.
I wish there could be a study of how much the net worth of members of Congress changes from their time as freshmen until they retire or are defeated. That would, I’m quite sure, prove my point.
The problem, then, is that the rioters screamed too loudly.
Now that’s a defense I would like to play with.Mr.X,so your invasion and destruction at the Capital was the result of the past lawlessness of house and Senate members.Spreading feces on Ms.Pelosi’s wall was because of this fact.Stealing her computers,breaking Windows and destroying property was your way of showing disgust,or was it that your hero,Mr.Trump ,got screwed in the election.Oh,it was both.Did You see the officer assaulted or where you too busy on the floor of the house at that time.Did you hear the president,Guilliani or DonaldvJr. Speak.How did they inspire you.
“Yesterday,all your troubles seemed so far away,now it looks like they are here to stay.”
“Don’t be a stranger,you hear?”
“Please, for the love of God, be a stranger.”
Children are very perceptive. They sense what their parents are really like underneath the words they use and then model themselves around this essence. (Emerson once said, “Your actions speak so loudly, I cannot hear what you are saying.”) The problem comes when the parents deny what their children sense and punish them for acting out. The Capitol is not a peaceful place. It is filled with wheelers and dealers and people who are governed not by altruism but by self-interest, skirting the law whenever and however they can regardless of any kind of morality. The people who marched were people in frustration, fed up with the hypocrisies encountered in everyday life and determined to end the inequalities that gnaw at them. This is not to excuse them, merely to try to explain the harshness of their actions.
Donald Trump lit the match. But the flammable material was ready to catch the flame and spread it. Healing can only begin when we bravely admit who we really are and what we really expect without all the Charles Schumer and Nancy Pelosi pretensions of nobility and go forward trying to be honest to ourselves and our children so that there are no more discrepancies between how we act and what we say.
I don’t have your empathy.I regard the people at the capital as criminals.Yes,frustrated,not by inequalities but by their own making.You Gerald,however are a mensch but I would have put you off my jury trials if I was a prosecutor and embraced you if I was defense counsel.
Toy Story 5
(With apologies to Pixar)
Trump’s had his tantrums,
But he’d never been a quitter
Until his toy was taken away,
Forever banned from Twitter.
This is really an amazing thing.POTUS banned from twitter.You tend to just file it away,another piece of info relating to this president but thinking about it,it’s incredible.By the way,did you hear that when Trump knew that our congressman were still under siege on the floor of congress,he called in and spoke to one legislature and suggested that everyone should leave,evidently feeling that if they left,they couldn’t certify the election results.
Police found guns and bombs in a truck at the capital….just breaking news.Also,there were plans to harm legislators.Plans also for future attacks.No sympathy from me.
” The times,they are a changing. “
As supporters of President Trump laid siege to the Capitol building on Wednesday, Ivanka posted — then deleted — a tweet in which she called them “American Patriots.”
(No comment necessary)
“Sorry,no do-overs.”
STUPIDITY & HATE++++++++++++Your worst enemies. (Your Achilles wound. HEEL yourself!)
EDUCATION & LOVE+++++++++++Your best friends. (The pearls of life. Don’t WEAR them out!)
HUMOR++++++++++++++++++++The most luxurious commodity you possess that doesn’t cost you anything!
This post is dedicated to Gerald Lebowitz
(A man of many talents with education & love! Also, he tries to put up with my nonsense.)
“You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in court.”
“Your cellmate is Dr.Lector.He’s ready for you with some fava beans and a nice chianti. “
I know there are certain captions that could never win but are too much fun not to post.
“You promised you would drain the swamp.Instead,we are covered in grime.”
“Your name will be unwritten from the Book of Life.”
“At least you bought me Tesla.”
“Your tombstone will read: RIP (ROT IN PRISON) HELL!”
Come Senators,Congressman,please heed the call……Don’t stand in the doorway,don’t block up the hall…..For he that gets hurt will be he who has stalled…Cause the battle outside is a ragin ‘ …….Will soon shake your windows and rattle your walls…..For the times they are a changin ‘ Bob Dylan released this in 1964..Unbelievable!
We need to take our country back,the phrase spoken by the rioters at the capital,is code for we need to get rid of minorities.
“Ask not what you can do for your country, but what your country can do for you!”
+++++++++++++++++(NEW POLITICIAN MOTTO)+++++++++++++++++++
(This oath will occur when a newly elected politician places his left hand on a BANANA and raises his right hand, then repeats the above words!)
Marvin,
Don’t you think that anyone who’d take an oath while placing his left hand on a banana rather than a bible would have a lot of ap-peel?
Gerald,
Taking a BANANA REPUBLIC OATH will allow all men/women never to be convicted of a crime, because they would win on A-PEEL!
Would anyone here want to prove that Stephen Sondheim was wrong?
In “Gypsy,” in a song called “Rose’s Turn,” he had Ethel Merman sing, “Some people got it and make it pay. Some people can’t even give it away.”
Well, I propose to give something away. I thought of two captions but don’t have any ability to actually draw the cartoons. If you can draw, they’re yours to submit to the New Yorker, Esquire, or Stephen’s site. The credit (or discredit?) will go to you; I’ll forget you took them.
Well, enough introduction. Here they are:
1) Two elderly executives eating dinner at a restaurant, one saying to the other, “Would you believe it? I met my ex at a tic tac toe tournament.”
2) A corporate board meeting, with the chairman slamming his fist down on the table: “Do you want to know how bad inflation is? One picture is
now worth one MILLION words.”
In the spirit of Noah at the end of the flood, I send my doves skyward and bid them goodbye, not knowing how or if they will be received.
“The Nobel isn’t looking good.”
” You owe me twenty bucks. “
“Clean slate for me,daddy-o.”
“You didn’t drain the swamp, but you did stir up the filthy cesspool!”
Marvin,I agree with your caption completely.I have a very hard time even thinking of him as our leader.What an embarrassment.Clinton did it to Lewinsky.He’s done it to all of us.The fact that he could actually run again,even if impeached,is very discouraging.He really needs to go to jail(which unfortunately would still not impede his ability to run again).He deserves jail…He’s earned jail.
The scuttlebutt has it that a Trump News Network will soon be launched with a subscription price of $4.99 a month.
Will many of the 70+ million people who voted for him subscribe?
(Alas, the poor man has had all his other outlets taken away from him.)
Gerald….I’m sure you heard that Trump has been notified that the PGA has pulled out of their contract to use Trumps golf course for the event in 2022.Trump is already threatening a suit and reports tonight indicate that he is more upset about this than the pending impeachment.If his hotel and golf course business hits a major snag,his “outlets”will be in trouble.After all,he’s got to pay back the 400 million!
From Tim O’Brien:
“The Manhattan District Attorney’s Office is investigating Trump for possible tax fraud and falsification of business records, according to appellate court filings. In this probe, which is also examining the president’s payment of hush money to two women who allegedly had sexual encounters with him, the DA’s office is seeking eight years of Trump’s tax returns. It is also taking a look at whether Trump inflated the value of his properties and other assets in order to secure funds from lenders and investors.
“New York Attorney General Letitia James has launched another investigation, also focused on whether the Trump Organization and the Trump family manipulated valuations to secure funding or engineer tax benefits. James’s probe is a civil case, which could bring hefty financial penalties against Trump but no prison time (unless she finds reasons to recast it as a criminal case). Vance’s investigation is a criminal matter, however, and if the Trump crew is found guilty of felonies, prison time is on the table.
“Trump’s team has fought back hard against the Vance investigation, including arguing before the U.S. Supreme Court that a sitting president is immune from state criminal prosecutions. While the court rejected that notion in a landmark ruling over the summer, it would become a moot argument in any venue once Trump is no longer president.
“A Trump pushed outside the legal moat that surrounds the White House becomes, for the most part, a Trump who can be sued and penalized just as any other American can. That could also give fresh traction to the sexual assault cases against him.
“It’s unclear how aggressive law enforcement officials in the Biden administration will be toward Trump. They could resurrect some of the obstruction charges that have gone fallow since former Special Counsel Robert Mueller ended his probe. On the other hand, the political firestorm that could ignite might persuade Biden to hold back.
“What’s clear is that Trump’s money and freedom are in play. As he comes to grips with losing the 2020 election, he will continue responding ferociously and unpredictably, like a man who for 74 years has been accustomed to getting away with almost anything.”
I can’t resist so here goes. Obviously MTG got her idea about the forest fires in California from Fiddler on the Roof. They were set by the Butcher. What’s his name?
Michael,
If I were Trump I would appear very confident and give a strong impression that I was going to run again in 2024. After all, he still unbelievably has a very strong base of admirers and many people who would contribute big bucks to his political future, money that he could use to bail himself out. That has always been Trump’s strongest suit: using other people’s money for his own ends. Why would he stop, especially now when his back is pressed to the wall?
A FINAL HURRAH
Our fearless leader could have his supporters carrying him on their shoulders from the White House to prison. At the top of his voice he screams, “HAKUNA MATATA!”
( Maybe he thinks he is living in Disney Land.)
I believe Trumps facade of invincibility will crack as soon as he gets adverse opinions in his coming court cases in New York.Once they start,he will get desperate and may even think about a deal to preserve whatever is at stake…His money,his freedom,his reputation.In terms of the attack at the capital,I expect charges there as well.He is going to be in jeopardy in more than just New York.Will he try and pardon himself for any federal charges?Despite the fact that Barr warned him not to,I think he will do whatever is necessary to keep out of jeopardy.Pardoning himself is basically an admission of guilt but I don’t think he will care.Only if the attempt to pardon would put him in jeopardy would he be restrained.I can’t think of a reason why he won’t attempt it,unless an argument could be mounted that if his attempt to pardon loses,it could be considered by a judge or jury as an admission of guilt.Totally unchartered legal questions.If a defendant engages in plea bargaining,which is unsuccessful,you can’t divulge thieves jury.An attempt to pardon yourself,which is struck down by the courts,may also not be disclosable to a jury.
Can’t disclose this to a jury
Michael, FYI
From CNBC:
“Speaking publicly for the first time since last Wednesday’s deadly invasion of the Capitol, President Trump on Tuesday didn’t condemn the violence and chaos unleashed by crowds of his supporters. Instead, speaking to reporters at the White House on his way to Texas, he warned that a second impeachment for him would be dangerous for the country.
” Before boarding Air Force One, he stood by the incendiary remarks he gave prior to the Capitol riot. While he said that violence should be avoided, he again stopped short of telling his supporters not to commit any violent acts, and didn’t criticize their actions last week.
“The president has little more than a week left in his term. House Democrats could impeach him as soon as Wednesday. That would leave little time for the Senate to vote on removing Trump from office. It isn’t clear whether there would be enough Republican votes to remove him, either. Nor does it look like Vice President Pence will invoke the 25th Amendment to strip Trump of his power.
“Federal authorities are warning of potential violence, in state capitals as well as in Washington, D.C., leading up to Joe Biden’s inauguration next week, and perhaps beyond. Trump supporters are harassing lawmakers at airports and elsewhere. Pro-Trump crowds breached the Capitol, and rioters threatened the lives of the vice president and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. Five people died.
“This is all happening before the House votes on impeaching the president for a second time. If the president is warning of danger now, imagine what he will say if he is impeached.”
I agree that his impeachment could spur on his violent followers but you can’t be scared to do your duty.He must be impeached so as to demonstrate that we will not allow someone to get away with crimes and then hid behind concerns for the public.What a bunch of nonsense.If demonstrators come out with weapons,they have set the agenda for their own demise.I would ban gatherings except in designated places and mass arrest anyone who violates the law.If you come with a weapon,you are giving up the right to cry foul.
Isaac Newton’s third law states that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Trump will now be learning the full meaning of Newton’s wisdom. For him his most valuable asset has always been his brand: on clothing, on hotels, on golf courses, even on educational institutions. His erstwhile lawyer Michael Cohen says that Trump saw winning the presidency mainly as a big branding opportunity: it’s one thing looking at Trump luggage but much more prestigious would be photographing one’s family in front of the Trump White House. That’s why he ran. But now, in accordance with Newton’s Law, everything is unraveling:
A growing number of companies and institutions have now taken action against President Trump and his associates since the deadly rampage at the U.S. Capitol on Wednesday by the president’s supporters. Two universities stripped Mr. Trump of honorary degrees, major banks paused political contributions, and the P.G.A. of America said it would no longer hold the P.G.A. Championship at the Trump National Golf Club in Bedminster, N.J., which had been scheduled for May 2022.
Google, Facebook and Microsoft said they were pausing political spending and would reassess their spending in the wake of last week’s storming of the Capitol. Facebook’s announcement came four days after it banned Mr. Trump from posting on its platform at least through the end of his term — after years of defending its hands-off approach.
The online payment platform Stripe will no longer process payments for Mr. Trump’s campaign website, The Wall Street Journal reported on Sunday. The newspaper, citing people familiar with the matter, said the e-commerce company had cited violations of its user policy, which bars users from promoting violence on its platform. Shopify, the company that powers e-commerce sites for more than one million merchants, said on Thursday that it had closed two online stores tied to Mr. Trump, including those run by the Trump Organization and the Trump campaign. And several digital platforms — including Snapchat, YouTube, Twitch, Reddit and Twitter — also recently limited or suspended Mr. Trump on their services. The social app Parler, popular among conservatives as an alternative to Twitter, went dark Monday morning after Amazon cut it off from its computing services.
AT&T and Marriott were among companies that will stop campaign contributions to lawmakers who objected to certifying the election. Other companies, such as JPMorgan, paused all political donations. Several of the country’s largest banks said they would temporarily stop sending donations from their political action committees.
Citigroup, which gave $1,000 in 2019 to the campaign of Senator Josh Hawley of Missouri, one of the senators who voted against the certification of the Electoral College results, said it had paused all campaign contributions until March. JPMorgan Chase, Goldman Sachs, BlackRock and Bank of America said they were suspending donations through their PACs.
Morgan Stanley said it suspended contributions to members of Congress who voted against certifying the results of the election, but has not suspended contributions across the board.
Deutsche Bank, which has been Mr. Trump’s primary lender for two decades, has decided not to do business with Mr. Trump or his company in the future, according to a person familiar with the bank’s thinking. Visa last week temporarily suspended all its political donations through its PAC as it reviews its candidate contribution guidelines, a spokesman said. American Express and Mastercard said they would no longer give political contributions to politicians who had tried to block the certification of the election results.
“Last week’s attempts by some congressional members to subvert the presidential election results and disrupt the peaceful transition of power do not align with our American Express Blue Box values,” Stephen J. Squeri, the American Express chief executive, wrote in a memo to staff on Monday.
Even the New York State Bar Association has started an inquiry into whether Rudolph W. Giuliani, Mr. Trump’s personal lawyer, should be removed from its membership, the organization said in a statement on Monday. The association said it had received hundreds of complaints about Mr. Giuliani’s support for Mr. Trump’s false claims of widespread election fraud. Last week, Mr. Giuliani called for a “trial by combat” in a speech in Washington just hours before the Capitol was stormed.
“Mr. Giuliani’s words quite clearly were intended to encourage Trump supporters, unhappy with the election’s outcome, to take matters into their own hands,” the association said.
The association’s bylaws forbid members from, among other things, advocating “the overthrow of the government.”
(Mr. Giuliani, who did not respond to a request for comment, would still be allowed to practice law if he lost his membership in the voluntary association.)
Big businesses donate to both political parties, with many saying their support is tied to narrow issues of specific interest to their industries. The following have said they were adjusting their giving practices in light of last week’s storming of the Capitol: AT&T, Amazon, Comcast, the Blue Cross Blue Shield Association, Ford, Best Buy and Marriott International also said they had suspended or ended contributions to members of Congress who voted against the certification of the Electoral College vote last week.
The short-term home rental company Airbnb and Dow, the chemical giant, said their political action committees would suspend all contributions to any member of Congress who voted against the certification of the presidential election. The political action committee for the greeting card company Hallmark Cards has asked two Republican senators — Mr. Hawley and Roger Marshall of Kansas, both of whom voted to overturn election results — to return all of the committee’s campaign contributions. Representatives of the senators did not respond to requests for comment. American Airlines, BP, ConocoPhillips and the Coca-Cola Company said they would pause all of their political donations while they reviewed their giving practices. “These events will long be remembered and will factor into our future contribution decisions,” Coca-Cola said in a statement.
Hilton said it had already suspended its political contributions because of the impact of the pandemic, and that, because of the Capitol Hill violence, it would keep its PAC suspended indefinitely. “We commit to any future donations being shared equally across the major parties and only after careful assessment of the recipient’s voting record,” a spokesman said.
Last week, two institutions announced that they had rescinded the honorary degrees they had previously awarded to Mr. Trump, and another said it was considering doing the same for Mr. Giuliani. Lehigh University in Pennsylvania awarded Mr. Trump a degree in 1988, after its president called the real estate developer a “symbol of our age — all the daring and energy that the word tycoon conjures up.” On Friday, two days after the attack on the Capitol, the university said in a statement that its board of trustees had “voted to rescind and revoke the honorary degree.” Wagner College on Staten Island also said on Friday that its board of trustees had voted to rescind the degree it gave to Mr. Trump in 2004. No explanation was given.
Middlebury College in Vermont said it was considering revoking an honorary Doctor of Laws degree it had given to Mr. Giuliani because of his role in “fomenting the violent uprising against our nation’s Capitol building.”
P.S. Since I’m severely afflicted with the Dale Stout Punning Syndrome, I see punning opportunities everywhere: (1) Donald Trump, it has been rumored, wears platform shoes to make him look taller. It is therefore ironic to see our president, in effect, losing all his important platforms. And (2), Trump, like the rest of us, has always known that money talks. Now he is learning that money also walks.
P.P.S. Dale, please don’t sue me. I know that you could now hire one of Trump’s now unemployed lawyers for a small retainer, but I mean no disrespect. You’re just a great punster and have made me aware of the joy of a great pun, that’s all.
Dale,
Here is some very encouraging news. I just spoke to someone at Moderna, that not-so-big pharmaceutical company located in Cambridge, Mass., about the possibility of its creating a vaccine for people afflicted with the terrible Dale Stout Punning Syndrome. I informed the technician I spoke to that punning is a social disorder that often infuriates people or causes them to groan and roll their eyes in complete desperation. The side effects can linger for days. The woman informed me that as soon as the pandemic is under control, they will devote their full attention to working on the vaccine. Everyone knows that a pun at the very least gives off an unsettling odor; it is no coincidence that the first two letters of pun are “pu” (often pronounced “phew”). When the woman at Moderna asked where she could reach you if necessary, I gave her Moment’s website. I hope you don’t mind. Perhaps one day we will all be rid of the horrible desire to play with words and to come out with absurd humor. I even thought of a slogan to keep people controlled and promote physical fitness at the same time: “Stop punning / Start running.” Wouldn’t you rather work on being physically phffft than to listen to such horrors as “atheism is a non-prophet disbelief system”? Or remember English essayist Douglas Adams, who almost brought down his country with this famously outrageous line: “You can tune a guitar, but you can’t tuna fish. Unless, of course, you play bass.” Doesn’t that deserve the death penalty at the very least???
Gerald,
I do play bass, but not Billy Bass. And I enjoy Air on a G-String (perhaps Marvin does as well). (Oh my aching Bach). Cheers!
Dale,
I enjoy BACH when I ChuBACHa my food. But, no bad BACHteria for me. I’ll digest my symphony in “delicious” harmony! L’Chaim!
Can you imagine the shock to Trumps system when he is out of the office,out of power and fighting criminal and civil suits.He is going to come even more unglued than he is now.I truthfully can’t wait for him to face what’s coming.
Michael,
Your post reminds me of a story once told by Harry Hershfield, once known as the Jewish Will Rogers, a famous cartoonist, humorist and radio personality. One dark night he was going someplace with President Franklin Delano Roosevelt in the presidential limousine. The car was zooming around a narrow, mountainous road. Hershfield nervously turned to the president, who sat next to him in one of the back seats, and expressed his fear at the car’s going so fast. “Don’t worry,” said FDR, “everybody knows that this is the presidential limousine.”
“Y-y-yes,” stuttered Hershfield, “b-b-but do they know that I’m with you?”
What’s going to happen to the REST of us when Trump goes nuclear?
When he’s out of office,I don’t think his followers will be as interested.Again though,you can’t be afraid to do the right thing for fear of reprisals.
Marvin, this one’s for you, courtesy of http://www.funny2.com:
Husband/Wife Store
THE HUSBAND STORE
A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband…
On each floor the signs on the doors read:
Floor 1 – These men have jobs.
Floor 2 – These men have jobs and love kids.
Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking. “Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 – These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework. “Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!” Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 – These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 – You are visitor 3,261,496,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
THE WIFE STORE
Floor 1 – has wives that love sex.
Floor 2 – has wives that love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited.
Michael,
If one day a full-fledged biography of Donald Trump is written (and I’m sure there’ll be many), I have a perfect title for it: “Other People’s Money.” For Donald Trump never really has ricked his own money on anything, always taking advantage of tax regulations and loopholes in the law and ultimately declaring bankruptcy to cancel everything in order to be able to start all over again in his games of deception. Yes, “Other People’s Money” would describe his modus-operandi best, I think.
Other people’s money is perfect!
How about an alternative title…..Dreaming of Rushmore,a goal unrealised……Your title is much better! How about “From Rushmore to prison”” (the story of a descent into hell). This could go on forever!!
Michael,
How about this as an epitaph: “He wanted to be immortalized on Mount Rushmore, but he wound up looking peaked.”
(Sorry, Dale. I hope they manufacture that anti-pun vaccine soon.)
I like it…perfect!How about he wanted to be immortalized on Mt.Rushmore but there is no room for his big head(big orange head with no brains)
NEW T.V. PROGRAM: LIES or CONSEQUENCES
Contestants are asked certain questions and are required to answer with convincing lies to a panel of lawyers, businessmen, Congressmen, policemen, and workmen.
At the end of the show, a winner is chosen by the panel for a weekend vacation at a Trump Hotel with golf, meals, and all bullet proof transportation.
All LOSERS will be escorted to visit Ex-President Trump in his prison cell to hear lectures on “Why I was a great President, and why my Republican Party loved me!”
Audition: Anyone with legitimate/forged documents can apply. (Of course, those with acceptable age, sex, race, color, creed, and national origin
will be given preferential treatment!)
I would think that the loser prize would be much more fun!
“Don’t let the gates hit you on the way out.”
“You better put on shoes.You’re about to step in it.”
When all else fails, then go tweet. If you cannot tweet, then try sleep.
If you can’t sleep, try to yell. If you cannot yell, you’re in hell.
If you need my advice, I’ll try to be nice.
Just be a DANDY, and enjoy a BRANDY!
This is dedicated to anyone who is about to be impeached for a second time.
Of all the horrible things Trump has done in recent days,something he hasn’t done may be the most egregious of all.If he went on TV and told the imbeciles who stormed the capital that enough is enough,stay home,etv.,that what they did was inappropriate and must end now,he would be doing the country the greatest good.The chances of this,however are about as great as his IQ,near zero.
Michael,
Trump has always been a coward, hiding behind bluster but never active in the trenches. He goaded the mob into moving on, saying that only through strength would there be progress and that he would move forward with them, and then, true to his pattern, he disappeared, letting his followers take the heat. I know so many people who have dealt with him. He has never been respected by his peers and by people who have, unfortunately, interacted with him. Thank your lucky stars that you only have to write about him.
Agree!
I was just re-reading this site and am very impressed by the great posts. Trolls have not yet come to try to spoil it. The current cartoon is one of the most political we’ve ever been given–it basically asks us to comment on the cruddy year we’ve just been through with coronavirus and Trump. I almost feel that there is no difference between the coronavirus and Donald Trump; as in a science-fiction story, the coronavirus IS Trump having expanded to human form so that what it couldn’t accomplish microscopically, it could accomplish in human size. To try to change the bleak tone of all our political posts, I have copied this paragraph written by English poet and author David Whyte. Trump would never understand it. If he only could …
“The only choice we have as we mature is how we inhabit our vulnerability, how we become larger and more courageous and more compassionate through our intimacy with disappearance. Our choice is to inhabit vulnerability as generous citizens of loss, robustly and fully, or conversely, as misers and complainers, reluctant and fearful, always at the gates of existence, but never bravely and completely attempting to enter, never wanting to risk ourselves, never walking fully through the door.”
Peace and good health.
My caption entry:
And you thought wearing that sash to the MAGA riot would be a good idea because:
a. He likes it when they wear them at beauty pageants.
b. The winner gets the Medal of Freedom.
c. On January 1 2021 everybody gets a pardon
d. You wanted to stand out from all the other creepy old men in grey beards
e. 20 20 is the hindsight you wish you had.
f. All of the above.
All the republicans who spoke today said that it was time to put disharmony behind us and get on with the job of running the country.That reminds me of the old absurdity about the defendant who kills his parents and then throws himself on the mercy of the court because he’s an orphan.
++++++++++++++++DEMOCRACY IS A SERIOUS BEACON OF THE LIGHT OF FREEDOM++++++++++++++++++++++++
But, even Uncle Sam could sometimes use a good laugh instead of frowns.
So, we elect competent officials who then demonstrate that they are clowns.
Then we hysterically laugh over and over again as we size up the matter.
As we impeach or vote out the jokers who impersonate the MAD HATTER!
Marvin,years from now,when this period is examined,our future Americans will say in regards to the Trump era, “What did you think would happen when you elected him. All the writing was on the wall. “
Michael,
“The pen is mightier than the sword.” (CAVEAT: Except when you stick it to them in the TUCHUS!)
Marvin,
You are absolutely right. The pen IS mightier than the sword. For example, the Alcatraz Federal Penitentiary was a maximum security prison on Alcatraz Island from 1934 to 1963. When inmates were finally freed from their cell blocks in the pen, they did not go back to their former lives of crime.
T hey were too old.
Gerald,
WILLIAM PENN (Politician) 1644-1718
With a name like PENN, no wonder he was a writer, Quaker ( an early member of Religious Society of Friends ), founder of Province of Pennsylvania,
and signed successful treaties with the Native Indigenous People, etc.)
3 quotes are attributed to William Penn (many more not listed) are as follows:
(1) “Right is right, even if everyone is against it, and wrong is wrong, even if everyone is for it.”
(2) “Men must be governed by God or they will be ruled by tyrants.”
(3) “If men be good, government cannot be bad.”
A PENN wrote it, but it was almost TRUMPED by a despot.
What is one chus plus one chus…Tuchus How about one chie plus one chie…..Tuchie Sorry,I know that’s bad.
Dear Marvin,
One of the greatest philosophers in history knew that the pen was mightier than the sword. Didn’t Descartes write those immortal words “I ink, therefore I am”? Or is that putting Descartes before the horse?
(Actually, Descartes is not as relevant today as he used to be. His saying has been changed to “I link therefore I am,” thanks to the efforts of Linkedin.)
Gerald,
Words by famous men.
(1) “Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.” Groucho Marx
(2) “I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.” Will Rogers
(3) “No man’s life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.” Mark Twain
The best politicians are actually comedians by profession. If they make mistakes, we can laugh with them rather than at them! Marvin Sager
Gerald,Returning to our discussion of baseball cards,a Mantle rookie card just sold for 5.2 million dollars!It was graded a nine,on the 1-10 card grading scale.I remember holding this card in my 5 year old hands in 1952.It was the first year I got into cards.
Michael,
I remember the last line of an old Gary Cooper movie in which Coop stares down at the ground and says, “If gold were as plentiful as earth and earth were as rare as gold, why then people would be killing each other for earth and throwing away gold.”
Why did Action Comics #1 sell for over $3 million a few years ago? Because of mothers like mine who seized comic books as junk and gave them in to aid the war effort in the 1940s when paper rationing went into effect, giving the comic books that remained the rarity that produces value.
You want to hear an ironic fact? To get published, Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster sold the complete rights to Superman for $130, a deed they would bitterly regret for the rest of their lives. Recently a COPY of that check surfaced and was sold at a collectors’ auction for $160,000! (Luckily (?) the creators had long died and couldn’t be hurt by the cruel irony.)
First of all,good for your mom who was doing her patriotic best.When I was in law school,right at the end,we were desperate for money and I didn’t want to ask my parents,who had already been good to us,for money.I had a decent stamp collection,plate blocks of U.S.stamps that I had collected for years.I sold them at a steep discount and have always regretted it,but that,and my emergency student loan,got us through.When I passed the bar and took my first job,we only had first and last month rent because of The stamps and loan and the apartment was 200.00 a month!
In about 1947 in New York City, in a moderately priced restaurant, you could get fruit juice, then a choice of two soups. The main courses were fried chicken, steak or some kind of fish. The chicken, which was $1, was one of the specialties of the house. Another special was Hungarian goulash for 95 cents.
Reminding me of the story of a Rip Van Winkle character who goes to sleep and wakes up 100 years later. The first thing he does is call his stockbroker. He finds that his IBM stock is worth three million dollars! “Wow!” he exclaims, dancing around the phone. All of a sudden the operator cuts in: “Please deposit ten million dollars for the next five minutes.”
Everything’s relative.
(As Einstein well knew.)
43 million
What is your reference to 43 million?
“2020, New Year’s was a month ago, and there is no recount.”
Michael,
I don’t know where the “43 million” came from. It just appeared after I posted my comment. If it’s dollars, I’ll take it
By the way, rarity determines all value, not only of comic books and baseball cards. For example, if someone with a sour face smiles at you, doesn’t the smile mean more than if it comes from someone who smiles all the time?
Gerald,About 30+’years ago,CalnRipken Jr.write a curse word on the knob of his bat,which was plainly visible when he was photographed and the card was produced for distribution.The card company apparently didn’t notice it and printed out many of the cards.What should have sold for about a dollar reached ridiculous prices for a while(100.00)until the card buying public stopped the insanity.It’s known as the Ripken error card.Ripken apparently did it on purpose.
It wasBill,not Cal Ripken.
It’s really wild what error can cause the value of a postage stamp or a baseball card or any other collectible to rocket in value or even on that basis to become a collectible–an incorrect stat, a faded number, whatever. There’s even an acronym that stamp collectors use, EFO, standing, I think, for errors, freaks, and oddities. The grosser the error, the greater the value. For a sick joke, could you picture a cartoon of a horribly misshapen human being lying against the side of a building with a large sign propped against the wall reading “I Am a Collectible”? Sick, no? But that’s one of the strange, if unfortunate, realities of life
When I was a kid,Coney Island has the freak shows….bearded women,etc.They seemed to do a good business.Maybe today they would feature the orange faced man,better known as the man who would be king.
“Does this hat make me look fat?”
“Please be a stranger.”
Good one!
Why thank you. :0
“Perp walk him!”
“And for God’s sake man, lose the diaper.”
Trump wants a big military send off.How about a firing squad.
Just kidding,of course!
Two guys are against a wall, waiting for the firing squad to check their rifles and shoot. One guy says to the other, “I feel very stressed out and anxious. Do you think I could ask one of the men for a cigarette to calm my nerves?”
“Shhh,” says the other one. “The last thing you want to do is antagonize them.”
##############################################################
And speaking of anxiety, there’s the story that Will Rogers used to tell: “I once knew a guy who used to drink to steady his nerves. Pretty soon he drank so much, his nerves were so steady, he couldn’t move at all.”
Our new President will soon be inaugurated in a fenced in barrier. We must keep the RATS OUT!
Our President Trump went recently to inspect the wall that Mexico was supposed to pay us to build.
Psychiatrists afterwards diagnosed President Trump with BORDER-line Personality Disorder!
Very funny,Marvin!
“I guess I can cross you off my Bar Mitzvah list.”
“Hire Rudy.What could go wrong?”
“Don’t call me a rat.I prefer whistle blower.”
Rudy Giuliani has applied to Harvard Law School to teach a law class called, TRIAL BY COMBAT.
Dedicated to Michael Lomazow. (A man who has fought many BATTLES in a court room.)
Marvin,Trial by Combat sounds like a great title for a video game.It actually reminds me of The Hunger Games.Maybe the video game can have politicians saying offensive things to one another,with the best put down causing the other player to implode,or lawyers arguing their case with the best arguments sweeping away their adversaries.
“I’ll take care of the Porsche.”
A Disconcerting Thought:
Donald J. Trump was not an aberration. He came forth as a result of the inequality of income distribution in this country and the resultant frustration and rage of so many of its citizens. He still has more than 70 million defenders. We now have a new administration. But will they sweep the sidewalk clean? If you look at so many of Biden’s appointees, they are the same people who served in the Obama administration, the same administration whose actions gave birth to Trump. Donald Trump may be immobilized now, frozen in place, waiting to be thawed in time and released like the alien creature in that 1951 sci/fi movie “The Thing from Another World.” But Trump is not from another world. He was spawned here. And if the same factors that birthed him are repeated, we shall see either him or an even more deadly Trump arise. Biden’s ascendancy may not be the end. It may just be the beginning of … what?
Gerald,I generally agree with your thoughts but I can’t help but thinking that Hilary was a very damaged politician when she ran.The public distrusted her because of the email mess and her Bengazi actions and yet,she did win the popular vote.Biden has four years to get things right or fail to succeed.If he pulls off the end of the virus in an expeditious manner,and if the economy recovers in a way where jobs get filled,he would be very hard to beat.We would ultimately be looking for an America where we could resume pre-epidemic activities and feel good again about the future.With all that said,four years away is a long time and who knows what else will come up which could change all out present day thinking.Will we be in war?Will we be safe and secure?I don’t think Obama’s people gave birth to Trump.I think Hilary gave him his edge.Also,if the trends continue and more minorities come out to vote,democrats should continue to flourish.Republicans want to put roadblocks in the way of immigration and the ability to vote because they know their future is in trouble if trends continue.I think Biden will be very good for continued minority support which may in fact continue to be the crucial factor.
OK, Michael, your comment may have Trumped (pardon the expression) mine. Here’s hoping you’re right. Thanks for your wisdom.
“You have the right to remain silent. I’d keep my mouth shut if I were you.”
A President Trump PARDON is like a monopoly “get out of jail card” but WORTH so much more!
You have the right to a pardon, provided you are recommended by my reelection campaign in 2024.
(Just speak to my finance committee headed by Rudy Giuliani.)
Gerald,our comments remind me of the saying, “Men make plans and G-d laughs.” It is interesting to try and dissect things but nobody has the answers or can claim to have figured it out as opposed to another analysis.When we give our opinions,it is interesting but you know the saying about opinions. “They are like ………Everybody has one.What I hope is that in the next four years we can enjoy relatively decent health and we can congratulate ourselves for our wisdom in predicting the future.So let’s continue to give our opinions in good health and if G-d laughs,let’s hope he has a good sense of humor.
” You coulda been a contender. “
“May I suggest a dark blue suit for court.”
Do you believe your lying President or your own eyes? (The eyes have it!)
“Age before beauty.”
“Now I know why you wanted to be called Godfather.”
To my fellow captioneers-I have a suggestion for the site: what if the “discussion” and “submission of captions” sections were separate?
“You better leave me your password and user name.”
“It’s only decent exposure when I do it.”
Well, I’ve never been asked to pardon the previous year before…
Hindsight is always 2020.
“You’re facing life in prison — lucky for you, that ain’t so long.”
You should be an easy act to follow.
I heard you went viral.
“Good luck getting pardoned.”
We can’t follow in your footsteps, because you have BONE SPURS!
“My mother thanks you, my father thanks you, my sister thanks you, and I thank you.”
You’re fired!
Nobody’s looking back fondly on you.
You’re gonna be an easy act to follow.
Lock him up! Lock him up!
The “DAY OF RECKONING IS NEAR,” I reckon.
We made it through the rain,we felt ourselves protected…By others who,got rained on too. 2) We can see clearly now for he is gone…All of the dark clouds lift away…It’s gonna be a bright sunshine day. (Dedicated to the survivors,the American people who will roar back with decent normal leadership.
Michael, you express yourself so beautifully and yet so logically and incisively, writing with both heart and hope and mind. You are a wonder. But at root, I must say, you are very different from me. You are basically an optimist. I am basically an agnostic, distrusting to some degree the sun and waiting for the clouds to gather, for the bubble to inevitably burst. You would rejoice at seeing a light at the end of a tunnel. I would say that the light was probably coming from an approaching train. I am attracted to comedy because it smooths the way over the ever-present bumps. Most comedians I have known have also been rather dark. The darker they are, the funnier they are. The most notorious example was Rodney Dangerfield (Jacob Cohen) with his bleak moods and nervous twitches and reliance on uppers of all kinds. I am a firm subscriber to Murphy’s Law, the law that states that if anything can go wrong, it will go wrong. But I have improved upon Murphy’s Law. My law extends it by saying that if you and everybody else are utterly convinced that something will be a disaster, things will turn out fine, foiling all expectations. Yours is, obviously, a better and more healthful view than mine, a view filled with hope in a new society, in a new attitude, in a new springtime. My view is that I’ve been through all this before and I don’t expect human nature to change. Rogues will still be rogues. So I wouldn’t bet too much of my stash on anything, no matter how promising. Now you can see my sense of humor in a new light, if you will.
May I say one thing more? Carl Sandburg and Robert Frost were two successful but rival poets in the first half of the twentieth century. Sandburg wrote about the people in a folksy way. In 1936 he wrote a massive book containing poems, stories and folktales. It was a best-seller and was titled “The People Yes.” When Frost one day was asked about the difference between Carl Sandburg and himself, he replied, “Carl Sandburg’s attitude is “the people yes.” My attitude is “the people yes and no.”
You can surely guess which poet appealed to me more.
Best and thanks, as usual.
Gerald,I just noticed your response to my blurb referencing the sun coming out.First of all,thank you for your kind words.Next,I found your evaluation,particularly of yourself,fascinating.I never really thought about it much but I guess I’m an optimist when it comes to others but a worried pessimist when it comes to myself.What childhood environmental factors made me this way I’ve never figured out but maybe it’s a combination of what I saw in my parents and whatever impulses dance around in my head.Also,there are factors,secret factors that shape us in ways that may be too personal to talk about,unless you are dissecting yourself with a mental health professional.I therefore completely understand your pessimism as I deal with it as well.I don’t know if going through life as an optimist or pessimist is better.I suspect a combination may be the safest way as you don’t get too high or low and your vigilance in trying to protect yourself ,although maybe unnecessary most of the time will sometimes prove to have been a prescient way to have traveled.
May the FORCE be against you (and make you vanish)!
“Perp walk him!”
“Have mercy, officer. It was all a massive diaper leak.”
Be best, 2020.
Trump almost begging people to see him off tomorrow.Take a ticket and get five for free!Give them to your friends.Just applaud wildly when I leave.I would go to make sure he really leaves.I would applaud wildly as the plane left,but not for the reason Trump wanted.
“Officer,did you know that he hates minorities ?”
PARDON those who voted for you!
“Yours was the year of the lockdown. Now it’ll be your turn to be locked down.”
You are flying away, but unfortunately, you are leaving behind much BAGGAGE!
Donald Trump’s Airplane has been diverted to his new home in the BADLANDS!
” Keep a firm grip.He’s very slippery. “
” I’m a baby and have an excuse but where’s your clothes,man? “
Michael and Marvin,
You’ve both been generous in welcoming new names to these contests. Well, a new name which is really an old name has surfaced here. Linda Poindexter has been here before, and in many other caption contests, too, where her captions have been winners, including Cartoon Collections. I still remember her very funny entry in one of its early contests. Picture a man and woman in bed, the bed littered with spent guns. Obviously the guns had been fired at something and the wife had then made a disparaging comment about the husband’s use of the weapons. The husband is replying to his wife. Linda’s caption is, “That’s pretty funny, coming from someone who says you can never have too many shoes.” A classic line, showing the universal strains that develop between two people living together with different perceptions and values.
Anyway, welcome Linda, and join the fray. It’s good to see your unique take on things again.
Great.Welcome back Linda.I’m new but Gerald and Marvin have been very welcoming so I want to also be welcoming.The more the merrier!
To Linda Poindexter:
Thanks for joining this group of FUNNY people that are CRAZY (about having you with us)! You are like a “SHOT IN THE ARM” which we all need so much for many reasons!
“Unless you’ve got a pardon hidden in that beard,your yesterday’s news.”
Time to choose another path, as the old path is now all muddied up!
Gerald,I just noticed your response to my blurb referencing the sun coming out and I responded about 15 blurbs above.
Michael.
Thanks for responding to my remarks so quickly.
You know, there’s been a debate among party-goers for a long time over whether a glass is really half empty or half full.
My feeling is that the answer usually depends upon whether one is drinking or pouring.
Cheers!
Marvin and I would be drinking.I know you’d be pouring.
Gerald & Michael,
With you guys, I would be VERKLEMPT and therefore, a need to be ANGESCHICKERT!
“Visiting day may be a disappointment to you.”
Charles Dickens suddenly came back to life and found himself in Times Square. He was a little disoriented, so he was happy to see a bar. He went in and asked the bartender for a recommendation. The bartender recommended a Manhattan, so that is what Dickens ordered. But the bartender was still a little puzzled about the order, so he approached the author.
“Excuse me, sir. I’m still a little confused. What would you prefer? Olive or twist?”
(I’m sorry. You guys deserved better than that.)
P.S, I’d rather be a pourer than a schnorrer.
To Gerald (THE POURER):
I never cry over spilled milk, but I do tear up over spilled liquor!
Marvin,
If you contacted a medium, she could conduct a seance and put you in touch with a lot of departed spirits.
But you’d have to be careful in choosing one, for a good medium is rare.
Gerald,
You have the booze bottle, and I have the glass. Therefore, we complete each other in SPIRIT! (TO YOUR HEALTH & BIG BOTTLE OF BOOZE!)
Marvin,
A problem: If you were able to find a rare medium who could actually contact the spirit world and you meant to praise her by telling her that it was a job well done, would the rare medium take “well done” as a compliment or an insult???
P.S. Your posts are always well done, but you’re not a rare medium so I don’t have to worry about my praise being taken in the wrong way.
Gerald,
Make no MIS-STEAK, I’ve come too far up the food chain to become a vegetarian.
If I have to choose, I will put a STEAK in my belly and hope it doesn’t penetrate my heart.
When it’s all said and WELL DONE, I will only compliment the cook and not make an insult or BEEF.
Marvin,
If you were a knight in Camelot, you’d be called Sir Loin and known for meting out justice.
If you were a police detective, you’d be known for conducting very effective steak-outs.
If you were a world-famous scholar, you’d be acclaimed for always wanting to loin new things.
But you’re here now, and we all think the world of you just as you are.
Thanks for always being so generous in sharing your wonderful sense of humor.
(I once knew someone who lived in Arizona and got lost because he didn’t have a sense of Yuma.)
Gerald,
If you were a king, you would be KING AUTHOR of the ROUND TABLE, because you enjoy SQUARE meals!
If you were a doctor, you would be a GERRYontologist of the ages, for living the good life and digesting PRIME meats!
If you were a professor, you would be a PROFESSIONAL BLACK ANGUS BEEF ADVISOR for those farming MEATY ANIMALS as they require TENDERLOIN advice!
Thanks for making everybody HUNGRY for more education. You really STIR THE POT and produce good rapport and extend knowledge to all.
(Sometimes you take a thirsty person to the WELL OF KNOWLEDGE, and watch him eventually quench his thirst & watch him wet his CHOPS!)
Marvin,
Thanks for not mentioning geriatrics, that branch dealing with the infirmities of the elderly. But of course someone like you with a lively, flexible, retentive mind would not be focused on that area.
May you always retain your generous, wide-encompassing, youthful attitude.
Dedicated to Marvin and Gerald. There are two men on line who write In meter and rhyme. One drinks brandy,both eat steaks and each are comic dandies.
A good time to reflect on the past, if you suffer from amnesia!
“No to incarceration.Yes to immolation.”
“Dang. I should’ve worn a hat.”
“There is no greater sacrifice than giving one’s life for one’s country.” Do you think Trump could get fired up about that? Look at how many people he relished firing on “The Apprentice.” Maybe now he could star in a sequel called “The Immolation.”
Actually, Michael, as I think about it, Trump’s was a reverse sacrifice. Instead of sacrificing himself for this country, he sacrificed this country for himself. And came out poorer than if he had just sold all his assets on assuming the presidency and not entangled himself in all kinds of conflict of interest transactions with their consequent disadvantages.
Do you suppose its true that he never really wanted to win the presidency…..that it was just an advertising ploy and when he did win,he was shocked and maybe even dismayed.He was probably frightened,as deep down I think he grasps his shortcomings.
“You should have stopped at Murder Hornets.”
By the way,my wife,after trying on line for a week,managed to find us appointments for covid shots next saturday.The best thing is that they automatically book you for the second shot.The place is less than 2 miles from our house whereas we had been looking as far as an hour away.If it works out,I can see the doctors I need to follow up with but had put off for fear of the virus.
It’s a rainy day in California,with more coming this week.My dogs don’t mind the rain and in fact,seem determined to smell every bush and flower with renewed interest,as The rain obviously provides new smells.The trouble is that I don’t enjoy the smell as much as them! and I wind up standing there with water running down my face and then down.However,you need to let them transact their business!
“Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass.
It’s about learning how to dance in the rain.”
——Vivian Green
Dancing in the rain makes me smile……that is,the thought of it makes me smile.Maybe I should add it to my bucket list.
Springsteen wrote “Dancing in the Dark” ,which is very similar to the sentiment in Green’s poem.
You can’t copyright a title. That’s why there are at least two songs called “Dancing in the Dark.” Mine was written by Howard
Dietz and Arthur Schwartz for a review called “The Bandwagon” in the 1930’s. Anyway, I should confess that my feelings for Bruce Springsteen
could stand improvement.
After you’re done dancing, why not join Gene Kelly and Debbie Reynolds in “Singin’ in the Rain”?
(I’d much prefer them to people like Lady Gaga.)
Did you see A Star is Born with Lady Gaga.I’m not a tremendous fan either but she deserves her due for her talent.Singing in the rain wonderful movie and song.
We need to CEMENT our position in the world, BUILD AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!
From Gerry Kesselman, West Orange, N.J.
“Well, this is a fine mess you left me with!”
From Zvi Kesselman, same address
“That’s an awfully low bar you set for me!”
Liba Kesselman, same address
“Lock him up! Lock him up!”
To the Kesselmans:
Wonderful captions! Where have you been all this time? Your humor is reminiscent of Laurel and Hardy. May I change Zvi’s words slightly, though:
That’s an awfully HIGH bar you’ve set for US.
Gerald,
Whether the BAR is high or low, just make sure BRANDY is not wasted. That way, my tears will not be wasted! THANKS!
To the Kesselmans again:
I think I’ve figured out the secret of your creativity. You live in West Orange, which happens to be very rich in vitamin C (the vitamin found in all oranges that rejuvenates people and builds up their immunity).
I, for one, hope that you don’t move out of your area and that you keep submitting.
Orange you glad to read this?
Best.
“I don’t want to hear about you being misunderstood.”
” Plead insanity. “
“When I talk to groups about the concept of being a good ancestor, I use two examples: The first is a bottle of beer brewed with water from a melting glacier. Breweries are paying fishermen to go out and net the huge chunks of polar ice that are calving off glaciers due to global warming. It’s the best water for brewing beer–frozen, pristine and pure for millions of years. The second example is a bottle of detergent manufactured by a company called Seventh Generation. The soap is environmentally friendly, and the company derives its name from a statement in the Great Law of the Iroquois Confederacy. “In every generation,” say the Iroquois tribal elders, “we must consider the impact of our decision on the next seven generations.”
—-Steve Leder
“You will be remembered for the wrong reasons.”
Rabbi Leder did not say this in the above, but I’d assume that the first bottle of beer must have been crafted by a Jewish man—hence the origin of the word “he-brew.”
(Ouch! If I’m found murdered, see if Dale Stout has a good alibi.)
Caption For the Cartoon.
“Pamper’s” in, “Depends” out.
“Can I get a quote for the monthly newsletter?”
It’s Time, Old Man!
When asked the secret to his success, Donald Trump answered, “BULLY! BULLY!”
“You should have tried harder.”
“You lost your shirt on ‘Dolittle’ and your pants on ‘Call of the Wild.’
“Normally we just usher out the old year, but this year we’re sending it out with a boot.”
“By the way,I forgot to mail in that important form.”
“My first act will be to perform a circumcision
So as to do away with all 2020 vision.”
Michael,
Not to beat a dead horse, but you must have read that the lawyers representing those who committed the acts of violence at the Capitol are using as a defense the argument that the protesters were merely following the lead and the orders of President Trump himself!
Talk about stupid. If it weren’t so frightening, it might almost be a Marx Brothers comedy. Except that Adolf Eichmann once used almost the same defense, that he was following orders.
Gerald,I totally agree and always,when I hear the defense, “I was only following orders”,think exactly what you think.By The way,in california,If you want to withdraw from a crime that you and your accomplices have planned and may even be in early stages of effectuating,you must announce your intent to withdraw and notify law enforcement immediately Of The crime and your withdrawl.It is obviously not enough to later say that you didn’t have your heart in it.I once represented a defendant who used an excuse so that he could escape going with his co-defendants to kill someone that had been planned out.He didn’t however,notify law enforcement or even truthfully notify his accomplices.I was able to get him consideration but not complete vindication.I represented the nicest people!!
“Inciting an insurrection makes you high scorer! “
Joaquin Miller,poet,wrote “In men whom men pronounce as ill,I find so much of goodness still…In Men who men pronounce divine,I find so much of sin and blot,I hesitate to draw the line,between the two where God has not.”. My liberal parents hung this on my wall in my room where it stayed for years and was still there when I moved. I may have changed a word or two but memory fades.Gerald,what do you think?
Gerald,I have two posts above for you.
Michael,
C. G. Jung used to say that every man has a shadow, a dark side contrasted to the light that he ordinarily casts. But one day he met a seemingly perfect man, a man with no darkness anywhere, try as he might to find it. Jung troublingly thought that he might have to completely revise his theory. But one day by chance he happened to meet the man’s wife at the market in his village. As bright and shining as the man was, she was the opposite in every way, foul-mouthed and nasty, exuding blackness with every breath she exhaled. With a kind of relief, Jung realized that SHE was his dark side, the side that he could only manifest through her. He realized then that he didn’t have to abandon his theory after all.
Scottish author Robert Louis Stevenson knew this when he wrote “The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde,” two opposites yet one. We’re all a mixture.
(You’ve heard the phrase “too good to be true.” Well, the reverse also stands. You can meet someone too true to be good!)
Gerald,I completely agree with the notion that we are all a combination of dark and and light,good and bad,but some people,unfortunately,weigh heavily to the dark side.I think I have met almost perfect people but alas,there is always that certain thing which precludes a perfect score.Maybe if their Achilles heel is inconsequential we can completely overlook it.I am fully aware,I think,of my shortcomings,and I constantly work on trying to perform a more perfect union!However,others probably see things we haven’t come to grips with.I guess I would be happy if my tombstone said, “He wasn’t perfect but at least he wasn’t a bastard.”
My favorite epitaph is, “Here lies the body of Tommy O’Toole / He borrowed a feather to tickle a mule.”
For my epitaph? “Here lies the body of Gerald Lebowitz / If not, please notify the undertaker immediately.”
Of course there’s always: “Here lies a struggling novelist who finally found an original plot.”
A politician never lies when he is eating, but sometimes he speaks with FORKED TONGUE!
Marvin,
Especially when he chews the fat with his constituents.
Gerald,
When politicians are in a hurry to finish their meal, they eat YEAST & SHOE POLISH. This makes them RISE & SHINE for their meeting!
And when they run for re-election they’re a shoe-in.
If a politician (with his new shoes) enters the wrong food he ate in his fitness app., then an emergency ambulance will show up.
He will be CARRIED to the nearest hospital!
Here’s a story. It really doesn’t matter whether it’s true or not. It will just serve to try to make a point.
Once upon a time, all the banks in the world got tired of shipping gold from country to country , so they decided to open an office on an island in the Pacific where all the banks had their headquarters, and all the gold was put together there so that all they needed to do if they had to exchange some gold was to trundle it across the street. Operations proceeded beautifully, for about ten years, and then all the heads of the banks from the different countries came with their wives and their children to visit the island and have a great convention. And so they inspected the books and the transactions, and they found that everything was in perfect order.
Then suddenly the children said, “Daddy we want to see the gold.” So the bank president said to the man on the island, “Take our children down to the vaults so that they can see the gold.” And then the man said, “Well, it’s sort of difficult and problematic and takes a lot of time,” The president then got angry and said, “What are you talking about? Don’t be stupid. Why can’t they just see the gold?” The man on the island hemmed and hawed and finally said, “Well, I’m sorry to report that seven years ago there was a disastrous subterranean earthquake. And all the gold was swallowed up. But of course, we all knew how much we had at that time, and so we’ve kept the books accordingly.”
So it was a joke. People don’t realize, in other words, that money is bookkeeping. And nothing but bookkeeping, at root just a way to circumvent barter and to serve the needs of men and be used for the benefit of all.
Too simplistic? It took a child to point out that the emperor had no clothes.
“Your time has passed, old man. Go back to your complimentary suite in Trump Tower.”
Because many brainless BAD BOYS will soon be in jail, if you qualify as a REAL SCHMUCK then now is the time to try and be recruited!
Marvin and Michael,
You may have the last laugh. I’ve been teasing you guys about my superior drink of Poland Spring water as opposed to your inferior bar-served drinks of choice.
Well, a class-action lawsuit filed earlier this week in a federal court in Connecticut alleges that Poland Spring is not actually 100% natural spring water from Maine. In fact, says the lawsuit, the company is merely bottling “common groundwater coming from sources in low-lying populated areas near potential sources of contamination, including a landfill and ash pile.”
Tell me, where shall I meet you to share a Martini or a beer so that I can build myself back up to a superior state of health after all the pollution I seem to have been imbibing?
Gerald,I always shied away from Poland Springs.Terrible name.Would you buy a car with Poland as the model?How about a cell phone,refrigerator or any other product?I’m kidding,I think.By the way,I thought new York water was good enough out of the tap that you didn’t need bottled water.Also,every conversation I hear about water notes that new York bagels and pizza are superior because of ny water.True?
Michael,
Speaking of terrible names, what do you think of when you see the name Tombstone Pizza? Could any name be worse? I think of myself six-feet under, munching on my last meal of toppings, my demise brought on by my consumption of the product. Ugh!
I guess everyone is dying for a bite.
Michael,
In the 1970’s, under Mayor John Lindsay, New York City added fluoride to all drinking water in an effort to strengthen teeth and prevent decay. There was talk of a political payoff at the time, but I don’t really know anything about that. What I know is that the taste of the water changed, and that was the beginning of my use of bottled water.
Research on fluoride has been accumulating in the subsequent decades. At high doses, fluoride can actually damage people’s teeth, according to the World Health Organization—and some research, much of it in animals, suggests it’s also tied to more serious side effects, including bone cancer and cognitive impairments. In part due to that controversy, more than 300 communities in North America have voted to end fluoridation programs over the past 20 years, according to the anti-fluoride activist group Fluoride Action Network. Today, about 66% of Americans and 39% of Canadians have access to fluoridated water.
Would you willingly buy a fluoridated bagel?
If it’s a salt bagel,I’d buy anything!Years ago in Brooklyn.I worked at the schools night gym programs.My job was to watch a gym ,pass out the basketballs,and make sure no one got too physical.I also did it all summer in a school yard.By the way,this was one of the best jobs I ever had.Anyway,I got out of the gym about 10pm and started my 10 minute walk home.This was about 1968.On my way home I passed a bagel,onion board and BiAly factory,which baked for the places that sold these products.I would go in and purchase an assortment,hot right from the oven.It was heaven!I was never so popular in my family.If It was Saturday night,I could also get the Sunday New York Times.Those salt bagels,my favorite,got put in a separate bag.Every time I think of a New York story I feel happy.
I still have a leather jacket I bought in Greenwich Village in 1968 and it was old then.My wife and I would eat in our favorite Italian restaurant(Billy Joel song)and then go to Strand Bookstore.My wife would stock up as she is a prolific reader.This past year we donated 4,000 books to the library in Riverside and we still have too much left.
Michael,
When John Lindsay became mayor of New York City, he was a young hotshot, handsome and full of bravado. Shortly after he took office there was a temperature inversion in the city, capping the upward movement of air and trapping dust and smoke and other pollutants at ground level. When he was out walking and some New Yorkers complained to him about the air quality, he famously retorted, “I don’t trust any air that I can’t see.”
He had a not-so-good ending, dying with little money and confined to his bedroom by Parkinson’s Disease. He no longer was a popular figure, New Yorkers long having given him the air (sorry, Dale, couldn’t resist; you know how it is).
I was still living in New York till 1971 so I remember him very well.
“You’re leaving looking like you did when you came in. When I leave, it’ll be in a brand-new suit of clothes and a late model Lamborghini.”
Michael,
Your mention of the Strand Bookstore jangled my nerves. I knew Fred Bass, the son of the founder, and Nancy Bass Wyden, his daughter, the current owner, who’s married to Democratic Senator Ron Wyden of Oregon, who made sure that Strand got a lot of recovery money during the first distribution of funds. Those funds were to be used to retain workers during the pandemic, but a lot of workers were let go. Now Strand is pleading poverty and threatening to close. It is a very popular bookstore that people like to browse through. But the underside is not very pretty. So many book reviewers I knew complained that Strand existed largely through cheating the people who would bring in review copies and encouraging the submission of stolen merchandise. Fred himself was a sharp, very sarcastic person. But the miles of books the store has has always intrigued booklovers, like your wife, reminding me of the beautiful restaurant with a filthy bathroom that you shouldn’t see if you’re going to eat there.
You mentioned your love of salt bagels. Did you hear about the mugger who was sentenced by a judge to a low-assault diet?
intrigue booklovers
I’m sorry I bo (0ked)jangled you.When my wife was in Strand,I would wander across the street to the antique shops,which were to the trade only but one store let me buy an old lamp,which I still have.It is a Jefferson lamp and I think I spent about 80.00 for it then.(about 50 years ago)Although we were young and poor,we would go to antique auctions and sit and enjoy the show.The Sunday New York Times had a couple of great pages showing upcoming auctions.We did buy an antique roll top desk at a lessor auction in Brooklyn,which I also still have.
We would also attend the pre-auction exhibitions of the paintings at Sotheby’s and Christie’s.It was as good as going to a museum.
“He thinks 2020 was great.He’s obviously insane.”
A physician for Donald Trump told us in January 2020 the vaccine for COVID-19 is coming and the cure is around the corner.
He was practicing medicine by “DOCTORING” the truth!
“He thinks he’s the star child,circa. 2020.”
“I’ll put $18.00 on your books.”
Michael,
Since you’ve been writing about antiques, here’s a true story your wife might enjoy.
A friend was taking Amtrak from Albany to New York City when she met a woman she used to work with. Both women enjoyed talking about their lives and their families, and then the conversation veered around to things they liked to collect in their homes. The friend then lamented that her mother had had a huge chest that she had been trying to get rid of for a long time without success before she died. Her companion was about to respond when a young lady from across the aisle suddenly interjected in a loud voice: “I know EXACTLY what she experienced.” Both women quizzically looked at the young lady, who explained herself by saying, “My mother was built the same way.”
Gerald,I read your “chest”story to my wife who says thanks,she enjoyed it.
“Hindsight is always 20/20.”
Or maybe:
“Hindsight is always 2020.”
I prefer the second. Since 20/20 usually measures visual acuity, the first is a literal statement, funny but literal. The second, on the other hand, has a twist, meaning that the year 2020 was so miserable, most of it had to be lived looking back with a forced sharpness of vision toward better times in the past. All we had was hindsight. This gives the reader the fun of making the connection between year and vision.
You don’t need me to tell you how good your submissions are and how much pleasure they provide, but let me say it anyway.
In the words of Oliver Twist, can we have some more?
Thanks again.
“In your case, time spent is punishment enough.”
This one’s good, Carol. Thanks.
Thanks, Gerald Lebowitz!
“I see you’re being led away.
I’ll make a better getaway.”
Your REALITY CHECK is in the mail!
Funny story…..I am not an animal activist but I do speak up if I see something that bothers me…I started captioning the new Yorker contest about 10 years ago when I retired and in fact up till about a year ago,I didn’t enter any others.A few years ago,I saw two cartoons that I thought were insensitive to animals,almost cruel and I wrote the magazine twice to complain.I figured I would never win again.(I had gotten a third place finish in the first contest I enterd)About a year ago I saw a cartoon which,although not terrible,still bothered me.It was a rat,suspended over a maze,with a piece of cheese visible in the maze,with two scientists standing over the experiment.The rat had what looked like a Helmut and backpack on.It looked like they expected him to try and fly in to get the reward.Instead Of sending a letter of complaint,I decided to write what I thought was a somewhat angry cation.I wrote, “Let’s just give him the damn cheese”,(one scientist talking to the other).Guess what happened.I won the contest.I sent The New Yorker another letter explaining my unhappiness with needless animal research but alas,no answer.What is the moral of this story?I guess write what you really think,but probably no moral at all.
I thought of this today because I saw a coyote on my street with a bad paw,maybe caught in a trap.I don’t like them around because of my dogs but the bad leg was very sad.I also saw a horse today ,loose,walking on a path near my house.I drove over to the nearest stables and they immediately sent someone to track it down,although it didn’t appear to be from their place.Just an animal in my mind day.
“Clothing optional specifically excluded you.”
“The shot is in the arm.Put your pants on.”
“I almost bought you a pocket watch.”
This pandemic, however horrifying it may be, has increased my vocabulary, teaching me the true meanings of many words. Imagine, before it, I had thought that “bacteria” meant the rear door of a cafeteria. I had also thought that “radioactive” meant someone actively involved in radio broadcasting.
I could go on, but I hear a thousand groans already. Sorry for ruining your day, Dale. Don’t sue.
Gerald,
GAMESTOP: Stop playing games and get a life!
I thought you could use this word (GAMESTOP) and make politicians behave themselves. (Of course, we on this blog are exempt.)
The SEC says it “will act to protect retail investors when the facts demonstrate abusive or manipulative trading activity that is prohibited by the federal securities laws.” Marvin, if you believe that, I’ve got a bridge to sell you. Manipulation has always been the name of the game. What this GameStop activity pinpoints is the high level of speculation now in the market, indicative of a top. The market should be heading down into at least April, when some of the fervor cools down, setting it up for another run.
“I’ll pick you up at the jail in ten years.What will you be wearing?”
“I may change the message on the answering machine.”
Even members of the National Guard have let their National Guard down, and some are positive with COVID-19.
Carol,
I responded to your two captions above a few minutes ago. I realize that they very much remind me of Kierkegaard’s famous words, “Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.” That’s why we can usually see the past and all our mistakes with 20/20 vision. Unfortunately, a lot of us spend our present in the past, which is like driving a car while looking through the rear-view mirror—-a crash in that case is inevitable.
Good captions like the ones on this site are to me like ripples in a pool, becoming wider and wider and dredging up so many memories and thoughts as they spread.
Thanks again for all your gifts.
Gerald, please forgive my delay in responding to your lovely messages. I need to check the site more often.
So many thoughts. First of all, although I’m the daughter of an optometrist, I agree with your leaning toward “2020.” The sweet spot is right there, sans the literalness of the punctuation mark. Next time, I’ll ask you first.
I love your evocation of ripples of meaning and memory. What a treasure!
Finally, this captioning thing has been a pure joy in my life for a long time. My son and I start exchanging ideas via text as soon as the NYer and Cartoon Collections challenges are posted. (He’s a bona fide NYer winner!) I found out about the Moment Magazine contest from a wonderful Facebook group of fellow captionistas and, never knowing a caption contest that I didn’t love, jumped right in.
I’m looking forward to tossing many a stone with you.
Carol,
Winning isn’t really receiving notice of success at the end of a contest. It’s receiving a note like yours coming from someone with such great artistry.
Your son is very lucky. Thanks again.
“Parting is such sweet happiness.”
Impeachment removes the person but never the stain. We need a better WHITEWASH for that purpose!
Carol,
Your captions are still casting ripples. Many years ago I had the opportunity in a Zendo (meditation hall) to ask a Zen roshi a question. Rather brashly I asked him whether he believed in predestination or free will A slow smile crept over his face, and I will never forget his answer: “It depends whether you look forward or look back. When you look forward you are free to do whatever you want. When you look back you see that you could not have acted any other way.”
With your words, you’ve tossed a stone across the waters to awaken many memories.
And you’re fully entitled to take credit for the results.
Got first dose of vaccine this morning….no problems….excited to have received it.
Thanks for reassuring us. Does this mean that you can’t spread the virus and therefore we can drop our masks when replying to your always great posts?
Just so excited to have gotten the shot.It is hopefully The First step to eventually resuming a normal life.I spoke to my son today,who lives in Seattle.We discussed how long it would be before we could get together again.He will have to wait for his shots and since he has two young boys,who knows what will happen with that.We may also need to wait for booster shots to handle the variances that are popping up.It will be my wife and I going to Seattle rather than his family coming here because his one year old isn’t going to stand wearing a mask on a plane trip.I’ve seen my newest grandson once,about 10 months ago.It is very frustrating but each step along the way to recovery,each shot taken,is worth it to get back to recovery so yes,The First shot gives me hope for the future.If it wasn’t for missing my son,daughter in law and grandchildren,I would not care that much,except for all of the people who have passed,gotten sick and their family and friends.I do blame Trump for many of the deaths.
Just came back from shopping, and a captionless cartoon idea occurred to me. Picture a headstone over a grave:
Here Lies John Smith
Born: June 17, 1954
Expiration Date: September 3, 2019
Like it? If you use it, I expect a royalty check for $0.00, made out to Marjorie Taylor Greene to help her very valuable work in preserving the legacy of our unfairly maligned former president.
(Michael, I know that with your patriotic fervor, you’ll be the first to contribute.)
OK,two knee surgeries,torn hamstring,torn quad sets the stage for the fact that I sometimes lose my balance if I stand and try and put on my underwear(our newest cartoon with man in underwear reminded me) The truth is,it’s probably mostly an “age” problem.Am I alone or are there others out there who should probably be sitting when they get dressed!Lack of balance is sometimes a problem for me on my dog walks.I found out the hard way that going downhill can be a problem so I try not to let the dogs pull me into a steep area.First knee surgery when I was 16,long before the days of orthoscopic procedures.I will continue to say no to replacement which my doc recommended 15 years ago.Too many surgeries which I had,non-elective,have me in the state of mind that unless its absolutely necessary,I’m not doing it but the knee hurts like hell much of the time.
Arthroscopic,not orthoscopic
“HeyJack LaLanne,put on your clothes.”
Michael,
I feel bad about your injuries. You don’t really say how they were brought about. I know you talk about an “age problem,” but that reminds me of the guy who goes to his physician complaining bitterly about his right shoulder. When the physician says it’s an age problem, he retorts, indignantly, “But my left shoulder is fine and they’re the exact same age.” Perhaps part of the cause might have been your activities on the basketball courts. I gather you’ve considered knee replacement and other surgery. Robotics have taken over much of the treatments for your injuries. I tend to agree with you, though, on your hesitation in bringing in medical professionals, whom I regard in somewhat the same way as elected officials; the most feared nine words in the English language, you know, are “I’m from the government, and I’m here to help.” I knew a guy with bothersome varicose veins who went to a board-certified vein-treatment medical practice for a supposed non-invasive procedure using lasers, and he wound up with an embolism and a clot that hit his lungs. “Let me help you,” said the monkey to the fish, as it carried it up a tree.” I don’t know how you manage to keep so active, especially with those active dogs of yours pulling you every which way in your walks.
The people on this site are very bright and helpful. If you share more, one of them might know something or someone that could make all the difference.
Thank you Gerald for caring.My injuries to my knee were indeed basketball related.By the time I played in college,my legs were braced and wrapped like a mummy.The other injuries were sports related also,playing intra-mural football in college.By the way,your discussion of varicose veins scares me and hits close to home as they complicate my knee problems.Gerald,I’ve had a lot of scary medical problems and surgeries so I’ve learned to roll with the punches.I don’t mind getting older as there have been times I never believed I would make it to my present age.I love my life,as quiet and as relatively unexciting as it may be and I appreciate every day.I have told my wife however jokingly that if I ever physically or mentally fall apart,I want her to roll me to the end Of a pier and tip me in.I guess I better keep my eyes on her!
“Your fortune cookie said ‘Escape to the future.’ “
I’ve heard it more than once: “I would’ve taken better care of myself if I’d known I was going to live this long.” But your negative experiences, including your health problems, have all given you a lot of positive wisdom and maturity and humor which we here have all been blessed to share. You know, I often have the image of a stick. A stick has two ends. When you pick it up at one end, you have to lift the other end, too. Every negative experience always reveals its other, positive, end which we can find if we wait long enough to recognize it. I wonder if you see just how bright and funny and wise you are. But, trust me, you are.
Just don’t let your wife take you on a long walk down a short pier.
Again,thankyou.I hope you and everyone else on this cite(and elsewhere) is in good health.If I listed my past maladies,you would think I was the worst specimen of health to exist and I’m still dealing with a couple of problems.I was waiting to get the shots before I went in for a couple of things so I feel good I will be able to go back in with a clearer head.I Am totally at peace with my situation .I have had a very lucky life,raised a great son and have a wonderful and supportive wife.The future is a great mystery.
Michael,
The future has to be a great mystery. If it weren’t, we wouldn’t live it. When the result of a game is known, we cancel the game and begin another.
I’ve learned to be grateful not only for things that happened but for things that didn’t happen. One day I was crossing the street. I had the light. On the other side of the street a bus was standing, a few feet from the curb, waiting for the light to change. I don’t know why, but I noticed that one of my shoelaces was untied. I took a second to adjust it and narrowly avoided being struck full on by a woman on a bicycle speeding between the bus and the curb and running right through the light. What you should be grateful for is that you weren’t left with that most insidious of football ailments, a concussion, often misdiagnosed as dementia and many times leaving the sufferer slowly entering into a vegetative state.
Now for some slight attempted humor. Today many people struggle to make ends meet. But do you know where you can always make ends meet? You guessed it. On the football field.
I didn’t make you smile? I’ll try to do better next time. May you and your wife always be in a good place.
Thankyou.Same to you.
There are BOOTLICKERS, BOOTLEGGERS, and BOOTED LEADERS!
“The Census Bureau is getting impatient.”
Gerald,thanks again for caring.When I previously said that winning caption contests are fun but getting to talk to people like you are much more important to me,this is exactly what I was talking about.
Vaccines used to be given in your thigh, but apparently that is no longer HIP!
202o finally got arrested for indecent exposure. 2021 gave hope for more decent exposure….but there was a familiar smell.
Jeremy,
Bravo!
To my fellow captioneers-I have a suggestion for the site: what if the “discussion” and “submission of captions” sections were separate?
Certainly that is one way to go but I find that the charm of this site is unique in its ability to bring people together to discuss political and newsworthy events as well as yes,even personal items.If you split the site you are in essence creating two separate sites and I think people will be more reluctant to participate in discussions.If someone isn’t interested in anything but captions,they can easily by-pass the discussion part by scrolling past.Their are plenty of caption only sites.Even if it’s somewhat inconvenient to scroll past,it is not a monumental task,especially for someone who doesn’t caption that often.I would argue that you should not throw out the baby with the bath water.
Additionally,during these “pandemic” times,when a lot of us are housebound,when our normal social contacts have been severely curtailed,having the option to discuss things on our mind,coupled with the fun of seeing good captions we can occasionally comment on,is only positive.I’m going to guess the end of the pandemic will bring a large decrease in comments,as we will be out and about,hopefully with friends,family and even jobs we actually show up for as opposed to sitting on-line.
Rich,
What you’re proposing is to separate the caption from the captioner. It’s certainly a legitimate proposal which would easily draw voters to one side or another. But is it really our choice? We are guests in someone else’s home, relying upon the good graces of this wonderful magazine. Are our comments outgrowing the borders of what Moment originally only meant to be a Cartoon Caption Contest? The ball is really in Moment’s court, and we’ve certainly had a ball here so far. I for one am very grateful for that.
While I enjoy the Moment site the most,specifically because we can talk to one another if we choose,I also enter the Eli Stein contest,The new Yorker magazine contest,cartoon collections and lately I’ve entered the press Democrat contest.I’ve looked at and entered the readers digest site but I am unsure of the legitimacy of this contest.Does anyone have any others I should look at?I’ve noticed that a couple of contests are homers,meaning you really need to come from their geographic area to expect to be considered.What am I missing?
Gerald, you’re absolutely right-we are guests here. I have overstepped!
Maybe for 2020, it’s time for a 2021 REBOOT. Wouldn’t that be a “KICK IN THE PANTS?!”
(That’s what you call getting a LEG UP on the issue!)
Marvin,I can tell you where I would have planted a boot(if I had one).Think a certain person in florida.
“He got a sentence enhancement for also mucking up parts of 5780 and 5781.
I was looking at my old law school notebooks today,now 47 years old old.My contracts professor said “Proposals without explanation are worthless.” I changed it up in some arguments to a jury but I always found it very interesting.
Marjorie Taylor Greene is a TRUMP TRUMPETER that will blow out your eardrums with crazy sounds!
Marjorie Taylor Greene should face accountability for her past and current social media comments to execute Democrats, including Speaker Nancy Pelosi, and for Greene’s Conspiracy theories on both Trump’s Lies about the Election, about 9/11, about school shootings, for harassing a Parkland Shooting Survivor, including live tweeting in a Capitol Building Tunnel, while she berated Representative Cory Bush, who’d asked Greene to wear a MASK. Greene’s unhinged, not living in reality, has no place on any Committee and should be expelled from Congress! If I or anyone of my fellow citizens shouted out loud for Execution of any Political figures, the FBI would be at my door to arrest me, or to send me to a mental institution!
The caption for the February Cartoon should be: “I told you what would happen if you called the VIRUS a HOAX!
“Don’t step on the cracks.”
” We couldn’t even buy some decent toilet paper. “
Rich,
Sorry for this extraneous material, but I thought it was short enough and funny enough to perhaps stimulate some readers into giving birth to captions:
Professor Boris Morkovin was chair of USC’s cinematography department in the 1930s and was hired by
Walt Disney to lecture on the theory of humor to a class of newly minted animators.
“I am making some very important discovery,” Markovin began his lecture, waving a handful of pages through the air.
“There are three basic kind of humor,” he said forcefully. “A and B.”
Shortly afterward, Disney fired him. I don’t know the three reasons Disney gave.
Gerald,your blurbs are always interesting and entertaining.Without them,this would be just another boring site.Please don’t ever apologize for your comments and keep them coming.I know I will.
“Your captions were great but your comments were incendiary.”
Gerald,continuing on medicine,that we briefly talked about this week,I googled “Cancer drug treats Covid” because I had heard something on the radio about it.Apparently,there is a lot of optimism about a drug developed from some sea animal which looks like it is 27times better than remdesivir at treating someone with the virus,potentially eliminating any potential serious situation.It is being used as a cancer drug,as it blocks the negative proteins that adhere to cells.It’s in stage 3 trial stage.Another drug,not yet tested on humans,looks excellent as well to putting a stop to covid.It’s also potentially effective against a whole range of other things,including treatment for prostate cancer.I’ve gotten some of the above mixed up a bit but medicine is amazing and you seem interested in medical implications.I’m interested in your opinion.I hope you have time to find it and look it over.
Thanks for your confidence in me, although I think it’s misplaced. Stephen Nadler is the real expert, an M.D. as well as a connoisseur of comedy and art. An amazing man whom you could trust. I’m relatively skeptical of medical intervention. There’s even a term, iatrogenesis, meaning “a harmful complication or other ill effect caused by any medical activity, including diagnosis, intervention, error or negligence.” The most popular drugs are antibiotics—“anti” meaning against and ‘biotic” meaning life. Why would I put something like that into myself? I could write a comedy set satirizing a video for a drug. The first part tells of all the benefits, the second tells of all the risks, somewhat like the antidepressants that have suicidal tendencies as a risk factor. I guess that makes sense. After you’ve committed suicide you no longer are bothered by black moods. As far as modern medicine is concerned, I guess that I’m an atheist. Sorry.
Unrepentant stupidity is hypocrisy gone amuck! (Grab your smelling salts at the Donald Trump impeachment trial.)
Marvin,if it was just stupidity,I could deal with that.But,it’s racist dribble….it’s putting yourself above the country in the most naked manner…It’s outrageous conduct,no doubt reinforced by a lifetime of getting away with shit.He and his supporters behavior is unforgivable.
Michael,
In re-reading my hurried post of late last night, I picture you showing it to your wife and your wife remarking, not foolishly, “You’re on the internet too long. You’ve certainly picked up a weird assortment of kooks. What would your ‘friend’ do if he needed a bypass or a knee or hip replacement? I bet he’s a Christian scientist and would try to solve his medical problem by ‘praying’ over his condition.”
If I can, I do try to let things take their natural course. But if I needed, say, an orthopedist, whom I regard as a skilled medical carpenter, I wouldn’t hesitate.
Please tell your wife how smart and kind and supportive she is. You’re a lucky guy. But I’d better stop now to make room for everybody who wants to get back to the business of submitting captions.
I’m glad you’re not totally adverse to medical treatment.I believe in it…I’m just tired of it. My wife doesn’t think you are a kook.She reads your blurbs and enjoys them as well.Again,don’t ever apologize for,or hesitate to express yourself on this site.As long as Moment provides the opportunity,we should take advantage of it.The magazine,being in the business of exploring thought and opinions,is probably happy that we have contributed to their mission.If someone,for whatever reason is put off by having to scroll past our posts,not to be too indelicate,but tough.
How can I miss you if you won’t go away?
I’m usually the one with the quotation, but here’s one that I’d like to discredit. It’s often attributed to Nietzsche and reads something like “That which does not kill us makes us stronger.” The philosopher never knew those poor souls with cancer today being subjected to radiation and chemotherapy and suffering the lengthy tortures of the damned because of these treatments and yet–irony of ironies–ultimately having to surrender, thanks both to the damage done by the hoped-for cures as well as the often returning cancer.
It’s ironic, though, that many comedians walk off stage after a successful set and say, “Man, I killed ’em.”
What would Nietzsche conclude from that?
Would Nietzsche conclude t
Nietzsche would probably conclude that his theory was vindicated because the “killed” audience was left weak with laughter while only those who didn’t dig the jokes emerged stronger.
Gerald,I am all too familiar with chemo and radiation.A necessary evil .
“I ‘d like to order my personalized license plates.”
” Have my personalized license plates say OWTOI WTN”(out with the old,in with the new)
“I’ll visit you in Sing Sing on Rosh Hashanah, and we can exchange stories.”
Marjorie Greene got a standing ovation from a group of GOP politicians today.Sickening.
“If you had only shot him on Fifth Avenue.”
“I’ll tell everyone that you’re on a journey of discovery.”
Excuses Verses Solutions
1) It happened in the past, so it is not important now.
2) Everybody deserves a 2nd., or 3rd, or 4th chance to get it right.
3) We need more guns & ammunition in each household to feel safe.
4) Our leaders in Congress instruct us to, “Do as I say, and not what I do.”
If you still feel uncertain about life, then play the music, “EVE OF DESTRUCTION” by Barry McGuire.
( I cannot write anymore, as I am hunkered down in my bunker watching drastic news on television!)
Marvin,
You’re very wise (and humorous). I’d vote for you any time.
Gerald,
Thanks for your kind remarks, and by the way, I choose you to be my hero & mentor! 🙂
In the interest of fair play, I’d like to defend harried congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene. When she said that a space laser controlled by Jewish financiers had started a wildfire, she was guilty not of anti-Semitism but of poor scholarship.
I know what she did. To be sure, I checked with the experts at ancestry.com. Congresswoman Greene simply confused laser with Lazar, a shortened form of the Hebrew male personal name Elazar, composed of “el” (G-d) plus “azar” (help), meaning “G-d has helped.” It has for a long time been well-established in Europe as a Jewish name. This easily made mistake is not a reason to censure a hardworking member of the House of Representatives.
As far as her other comments such as that the school shootings were staged, well, maybe we could get her attention with a Taser. We wouldn’t want any more innocent Jewish misunderstandings.
In some ways,I am grateful for a person such as Greene.She is so absurd,her anti-Semitic tribes look ridiculous,and those willing to be in the marketplace of crazy have got to be doing a double-take when she throws out her theories.Give a crazy person a platform to express themselves and eventually they are exposed,even to those willing to deal in absurdites.On the other hand,what have we wrought that someone like her has reached the congress.Is Marvin right?Are we on the eve of destruction?I’m glad her theories also include her thoughs on school violence and 9/11.Those willing to blame Jews for everything have got to be hindered by her overall crazy theories.
“Where did you hide the laser?”
The guy arrested at the capital who wore face paint and a hat with horns has been granted his wish to receive organic food in jail.He hadn’t eaten in nine days and now will be provided only organic food.Next,a women,arrested and out on bail,has asked the court to allow her to leave on a trip to mexico which was evidently booked and paid for prior to her arrest and it looks like the judge will approve the four day trip.What if the ask was for lobster every day,since this is all the defendant eats?I don’t want to see Mr.Organic die,but does anyone think this a little crazy.Should the women go on her trip.An option would be to force feed Mr.Organic and simply say no to the world traveler.
Michael, I’m posting this later in the evening when you’ve presumably had your dinner and digested it somewhat. Read this letter to the editor written by a fellow citizen…and weep.
To the editor:
I want to take a minute to thank you, President Trump.
Thank you for not plunging the United States into yet another war. Thank you for walking through hell and back for the American people. Thank you for doing it free.
Thank you for working through the night while my family was tucked safely in bed. Thank you for standing strong and staring adversity in the face. Thank you for keeping God in the country I love.
Thank you for not backing down when the weight of the world was against you. Thank you for putting your family in the line of fire when you didn’t have to.
Thank you for standing up for women. Thank you for not being a politician. Thank you for standing up for the unborn. Thank you for making our economy go up and unemployment go down.
Thank you for fighting when facing opposition, starting before you even took office. Thank you for working harder than any president in my lifetime ever has.
Thank you for your service to our country. Thank you for a huge tax break benefiting 85 percent of taxpayers and creating millions of jobs. Thank you for cleaning out the Veterans Administration, ensuring those who have served our country would not be subject to second- or third-class medical care.
Thank you for overseeing Operation Warp Speed, which brought three effective vaccines for the COVID-19 virus in less than a year — something experts predicted would take three to five years.
Thank you for bringing peace to the Middle East. Thank you for cutting illegal immigration from our southern border. Thank you for your “America first” spirit that prizes individual liberty and limited government.
Thank you for standing up for America when so many other politicians are apologizing for our history.
——John Canny
The letter is totally unsurprising.As you know,his supporters buy into him without reservation.They remind me of those who belong to the cults that have followed their leaders without question,who have drunk the Kool-Aid.He is the embodiment of a cult leader.The world,our world,is tipped on its axis.Will this be a blip in history or have we started down a very dark road,dominated by those who offer toxic leadership to the masses?When I hear the republican leadership offer up conspiracy theory and racist texture,never taking responsibility for anything,I wonder how anyone could follow them.But they do,and I’m not sure if it’s because they really believe them,or because what they are selling is easy for them to pretend is true because it’s a convenient excuse for how they have even disappointed themselves in their lives.Imbeciles and losers.
I think it’s because so many people are adrift in these conflicting and frustrating times and crave an anchor. There was a similar confusion in the world in the 1920s just before Hitler and other authoritarians took power and promised to turn chaos into order. Even currencies at that time slid perilously in value, buying less and less every day. One of the jokes at the time involved a man walking out of a factory every night with a covered wheelbarrow. The security guards would invariably uncover the wheelbarrow and peer inside, only to find nothing, so they would let the man go on. Many years later one of the guards happened to meet the man and asked, “Every night we would look into your wheelbarrow and see that it was empty and let you leave. Tell me, what were you doing?” And the man smiled and said, “I was stealing wheelbarrows.”
Is our world changing? Obviously. Words and logic are giving way to deeds, and violent deeds at that. “Cognitive dissonance” is now heard more and more. We are living in interesting if not disheartening times.
Stealing wheelbarrows made my wife and I laugh!Almost time to go to sleep.I’ve been on NewvYork Time my whole life.Sleeping by 830PM[1130 in New York} and up about 4AM[7AM New York}Dogs and me on the street by 530:AMfor first walk.LA Times in the driveway when I return.Watching morning Joe at 4AM each day with a toasted bagel and coffee.Life is beautiful.
WHAT HAPPENS IN 2021 WITH THE STOCK MARKET?
Put your STOCK in STOCK! Watch your roller coaster STOCK go up and down with the economy.
(Optimist++++STOCK it to me!)
(Pessimist++++It’s STOCKED against me!)
(Capitalist & IRS System++++++++Waiting for your decision about stocks to calculate your taxes.)
Anybody who says they know about the market is full of it.
But in a way you’re living a double life, nominally alive in California but really in sync with life in New York. I sometimes think the most important thing in life is to discover what it is that we’re really in sync with.
Wouldn’t it be an interesting idea to create a T-shirt with the words “sync or swim” emblazoned on the front? I think I’d buy some.
It would make more sense for the T-shirt to read “sync AND swim” since when you’re in sync you really CAN swim.
That would make a great t-shirt.Reminds me of Forrest Gump’s idea….Shit Happens.I’l take a couple,xxLplease.
By the way,Riverside sunny and in the 70’s today.Trust me,I’m in sync.
I like sync or swim better.
A choleryeh and good riddance!
“You never sync.”
“You were never In Sync.” ( inspired by Gerald Lebowitz)
“He’s cuckoo for cocoa puffs.”
Just think, when you were at Disney Land you probably witnessed a laser show at night. Marjorie Taylor Greene figured it out that it was a Jewish SPACE MOUSE,
showering everyone that believed in Qanon with laser light on earth. Thank you Marjorie for qualifying what is going on today in the modern world. Now I am GREENE with envy how smart you are, because unlike you, I believe mostly in COMMON SENSE which means that I am not as “well informed” as you! From now on, when I go to Disney Land, I most certainly want to have SPACE ALIEN MICKEY’S autograph!
Marvin,I live 45 minutes from Disneyland.When my son was growing up,you can imagine how often I would go.Also,any east coast visitors would want to go.We once got stuck in”Its a small World Afterall”.We had to listen to that music for an hour before the ride continued.Torture!
I grew up in So. Cal. in the early 50’s. I remember when Disneyland first opened and my father took our family for a day trip. We lived in the San Fernando Valley and there were only a handful of freeways, but it was still only a little less than an hour away. Now you would need to allow three hours. My father was a machinist and with a large family money was tight. I remember him lamenting to a neighbor the next day. “You know you take a family of six, pay for parking, buy the ticket books, get everybody dinner and snacks all day long, buy a few souvenirs, and the next thing you know you’ve dropped the better part of a fifty-dollar bill!” True story. Everything is relative.
Jim,how much do you think the same day costs now?
I don’t know. Probably at least $800 minimum. More like $1,200 to do everything we did. And you didn’t stand in lines for over an hour for each attraction.
Jim,
And you could have bought a house then for maybe #21,000, if that. But what did your dad earn at that time?
What we all want is to combine the high salaries of today with the low prices of yesterday. We’d have to go down the rabbit hole with Alice to get that. I think I’d be game.
Good to read your great comments again. Thanks.
The home was 4-bedroom, 1,200 sq ft house in Reseda, and they paid $14,500 in 1952. I am sure my dad didn’t make more than $70 to $80 a week, so you are right. $50 was quite a sacrifice.
Michael,
I know someone who is looking for someone to defend her. She prefers to be identified by her initials, MTG. She has been accused of saying terrible things. In talking with her, I got a little of her side of the story. Her defense is that she was misled. She discovered QAnon a few years ago and became interested in its posts. Here is where her heartfelt words got to me:
“I was allowed to believe things that weren’t true. I would ask questions. Lots of questions. And I was deceived by the Facebook comments that I read.”
Could you find it in your heart to take this case pro bono? G-d, who is always anxious to welcome back all his children, would smile upon you on the High Holidays in September if you could help redeem this wayward soul.
And, by the way, a former president, identified only as DJT, thinks the world of her, so you would also make friends who occupy high secular places.
The internet says she became wealthy after her father started a construction business so pro bono is out!I was trying to remember how many defendants I turned down because I couldn’t stand them,or what they did or because something just didn’t feel right.There were several examples and she would qualify under all of the exclusion reasons.With her,it would be easy to say no.Sometimes,however,you take a chance,charge an excessive amount for the aggravation factor.If someone came in on a child molestation,I would not handle it.We used to joke among defense attorneys that you meet a better class of people who are charged with murder than many of the lessor crimes.Someone charged with murder may have snapped based on extreme pressure or emotional factors while defendants charged with property crimes may have acted with much more premeditation.I represented,for example,a firemen who killed his wife based on severe emotional abuse she inflicted on him.By the way,one defendant I represented,a former employee of the phone company,went back in and shot up all the equipment,putting phone service out for a while in riverside.He never hurt anyone and in fact,when an employee needed a drink and put money in the coke machine,after she lost her money in the machine,he opened fire on the machine to get her money back!!
“Are you ready for some football?” Today there will be no fake news during the Super Bowl Game, but fake people will be seen.
The Republicans will probably not attend the game, since they have been warned by QAnon that they might be attacked with lasers by SPACE ALIEN MICKEY MOUSE!
Also, finally Marjorie Taylor Greene admitted that she is too important to have her opinions questioned, since Donald Trump loves her!
But, she has been taken off her committees in Congress by mostly upstanding Christian politicians and eventually replaced with better people!
Get the beer & chips handy, as we want to celebrate the Sunday Superbowl and temporary relief from the upcoming impeachment trial of Donald Trump!
Marvin,how about predict the score.I say 38-17 Chiefs.
“Well, you can’t play your trump card anymore, can you?”
Thank G-d,no trump card which I could have used because Tampa is winning big.
2020 REVIEW
What happened to DUTY-HONOR-COUNTRY in 2020?
DUTY++++++++++BEND THE KNEE.
HONOR+++++++++KISS THE RING.
COUNTRY++++++++KINGDOM.
Sometimes DREAMS become NIGHTMARES. Let history record that America chose FREEDOM!
Marvin,
Your words are very noble truths.
Of that I am most certain.
And yet the former crazy king
Still lurks behind the curtain.
Gerald,
The king and his vast kingdom will soon unfold.
The impeachment trial will reveal true facts told.
The crazy king will be denounced and deplored.
Hiding behind the curtain will not be ignored.
Marvin,
I gather, then, that you think it’s going to be curtains for former President Trump.
Gerald,
The former President Trump will be walking in the shadow of Melania and not hiding behind the curtains.
The question is whether Melania will take his hand. She has, you know, pulled away from him on several occasions. Will she tear herself away permanently now, or will she be imprisoned in their new Florida island home, like being trapped in Hades?
Marvin,
GameStop’s share price was as high as $483 some weeks ago, but a few days later it had plunged to $63.77. Shawn Daumer, a 19-year-old real estate broker from Indiana, bought a lot of shares but didn’t sell at the top; he got out, philosophical about the experience, at $91.22. Here is how he put his adventure:
“Do you fish? When you’re fishing and you feel a tug on your line, it might be just a nibble or it might be a bite. If you wait to feel a stronger tug, you risk losing the fish you didn’t know you had. The peak was that kind of moment. I thought it was just a small nibble and decided to wait.
“The fish,” he said, “got away.”
Marvin, may your fish never get away.
“Is that fake or real dementia?”
Gerald,
When someone has a “wooden head,” then there is a good chance someone has a MENTAL BLOCK!
Melania didn’t marry Donald Trump for his BIG HANDS. He seduced her with all the billions of dollars he implied he owned.
So, for the sake of their son, Melania will probably stay around awhile!
Bitcoin is another term for BITE THE BULLET. Today you are rich, and tomorrow you may have shot yourself in the foot.
“For want of a nail the shoe is lost. For want of the shoe the horse is lost. For want of the horse the rider is lost.
For want of the rider the battle is lost. For want of the battle the war is lost. For want of the war the kingdom is lost.
For want of the kingdom the king is lost.”
But where is the king? He will be in court for an impeachment trial.
(A king cannot rule over his kingdom without total support of his subjects using LAWFUL techniques to NAIL IT!)
Dedicated to Gerald Lebowitz: A “shoe-in” didn’t work this time!
Lock him up for impersonating Moses and promising us a land of milk and honey.
For want of a Marvin, this site would be lost.
For want of a Gerald, Marvin would be lost.
To Gerald,
Thanks for encouraging me to write something inspiring!
Marvin,
You always contribute something inspiring. If anything that I say encourages the flowering of your thoughts, then that is an accomplishment I can feel proud of.
It has been said, “FREEDOM IS NOT FREE,” and often honorable men & women sacrifice their lives & fortunes to protect this principle!
What about “FREE SPEECH?” When does FREE SPEECH become HATE SPEECH?
Perhaps if we watch the impeachment of Donald Trump, then we will learn many answers to this question.
1) Relentless repeating of known lies becomes HATE SPEECH especially when harm is caused (and no sincere apology is expressed later).
2) I relied on others to convey to me the facts. If your sources are tainted, then you spew HATE SPEECH.
3) My medical condition and/or medication affects my judgement. “If you can’t say something nice, then don’t say anything at all.”
4) Using “scapegoats” to justify your position is HATE SPEECH.
5) Terms like FAKE NEWS, FRAUD, STOLEN ELECTION, FIGHT THE STEAL, STAND BACK & STAND READY,
plus other sayings are FLAMES TO THE FIRE! (Part of HATE SPEECH!)
6) Anyone who supports others that use HATE SPEECH are indirectly guilty of HATE SPEECH!
Persons with STRONG BACKBONES & DECENCY in convictions are always more important than persons with BIG MOUTHS & HATEFUL SPEECHES!
PATRIOTS obey the law, and not blindly obey their leaders!
Gerald Lebowitz could have stated the above much better, but I thought he should have the day off and rest.
Marvin,
No one could have stated it as well as you. But I don’t know that people really crave freedom. What we want most is to belong–to a society, a community, another person. There is really nothing more frightening than freedom, like floating aimlessly and endlessly in a sea of relativity, with no right, no wrong, no up, no down, no validation of any position. We say we don’t like to be confined but there’s a lot of comfort in knowing that we have limits that take away our freedom, at least to some extent. and to be told what to do.
Let me tell a story. There was a farmer who hired a helper to assume some of the chores on his farm. The first day he gave the worker the job of fixing all the broken fences. At the end of the day the worker had repaired all of them. The farmer was astounded. The next day he told the helper to saw logs. The worker finished his chore at the end of the day. The farmer had never seen a worker as efficient as that. The third day he sent the worker down to the basement to go over a load of potatoes, to separate the crop into potatoes used for seeding, those to be sold, and those to be thrown away. When the evening came, the farmer went over to praise the worker, but the worker abruptly told the farmer that he wanted to quit.
“But you can’t quit,” said the farmer. “You’re the best worker I’ve ever had. I’ll pay you anything.”
“No, ” said the worker. “I quit. Mending fences and sawing logs are one thing. But this potato business is one decision after another after another after another …”
February 10th
10:00 pm:
Two hours to midnight,
Two hours to go,
Two hours to say goodbye to the old contest
And then to wait to say hello to the new one.
It’s been fun, to say the least, and I think we’ve exhausted most imaginations.
Soon we’ll have a new cartoon with new possibilities
And hopefully new friends with new visions
To show us things we haven’t seen before.
A toast to the future!
FORWARD into 2021 with a reliable BACKUP plan.
Rep. Jamie B. Raskin (D-MD.)
We in the Jewish Community recognize Jamie Raskin who has lost his precious handsome son Thomas Raskin (age 25) recently.
Thomas was a second-year promising law student at Harvard. Our heartfelt condolences to his family & friends.
Also, Rep. Raskin was at the Capitol on January 6 with his daughter during the onslaught of the murderous mob.
Now at the impeachment trial of Donald Trump, Rep. Raskin has led the preseedings to pursue justice in spite of his personal misery.
So, our country will move FORWARD thanks to brave people like Jamie Raskin with a BACKUP plan to punish insurrection & sedition!
Marvin,Jamie Raskin made a very big impression on my son years ago when he taught my son’s law school class on constitutional law.My son says that Raskin was the best professor he had at the law school and additionally,was extremely bright and a very nice,caring person.I also want to express my admiration for him and wish him all the best in the future.
Rabbi Yair Hoffman has written several well-received books and is celebrated for his sermons. Here is a recent essay:
“The preliminaries to the impeachment trial of our former president has led to one of the greatest sanctifications of Hashem’s Name in American history—the fact that, on account of Shabbos, an observant Jew would pass up the opportunity to represent the former president.
“Sanctifying Hashem’s Name is the apogee of serving Hashem. David Schoen’s actions are reminiscent of what Chazzan Yossele Rosenblatt did in 1918. Chazzan Rosenblatt refused the Chicago Opera Company’s offer of $1,000 per night, and then $3,000 per night, as he would have been required to perform on Shabbos.
“Out of concern for shemiras Shabbos, David Schoen requested that the impeachment trial be put on hold over Shabbos, and the Senate agreed to accommodate. Without that accommodation, he was unwilling to accept a position that would have put him in the national spotlight, as it would have created a conflict with his Shabbos observance.
“However, instead, Schoen was able to work out an alternative arrangement with the other lawyers. He would present first, and the other lawyers would handle the rest. This new arrangement would allow Mr. Schoen to be in concert with another halachah.
“The Gemara in Pesachim (50b) states that one who performs work on Friday from Minchah time onward will not see blessing from it. Even if he profits from what he is doing, he will incur a loss elsewhere.
“There is a debate as to whether this halachah is an actual prohibition or just a fact (and perhaps a light curse). The Chofetz Chaim in his Mishnah Berurah (251:5) rules that it is a prohibition. Also, what is the reason for this whole concept? Some say that it is on account of kavod Shabbos—that a person must leave time to adequately honor the Shabbos. Others hold it is so that one will not risk violating the Shabbos. The jury is still out on that debate.
“There is yet another debate as to whether it applies to actual melachah (creative acts) or even just plain working. The Eliyahu Rabbah and Nehar Shalom forbid, while the Magen Avraham is lenient. The custom is to be lenient, but some are stringent. David Schoen could have simply relied on the Magen Avraham before he negotiated the second agreement.
“What does Minchah time mean? Is it Minchah Ketanah or is it Minchah Gedolah? Is it nine and a half hours after sunrise (Minchah Ketanah) or six and a half hours after sunrise (Minchah Gedolah)?
“David Schoen, in his negotiation as to the timing of his role performed another kiddush Hashem, fulfilling this halachah as well.
“Another one of David Schoen’s actions has made headlines. While in the Senate, David Schoen drank from a water bottle and put his hand over his head in place of a yarmulke.
“There is a debate between the Trumas HaDeshen (Siman 10) and the Maharshal (in responsum #72) whether one may rely upon one’s own hand on one’s head to recite a blessing or if one may only rely on a friend’s hand but not his own. The Shulchan Aruch 91:4 clearly rules like the Trumas HaDeshen. So, at first glance, it would seem that David Schoen may have erred in regard to the water issue.
“But not so fast. There is a reason that former president Donald Trump picked David Schoen as a lawyer. He has, undoubtedly, a brilliant legal mind.
“Imagine that you are speaking before the representatives of all 50 states in the seat of government. You are talking and talking. And you need water. Is this not what we would call a sha’as ha’d’chak, a pressing situation, where perhaps we can be lenient? Under such circumstances, can’t we rely upon the view of the Maharshal? Is there no precedent to this concept?
“In his Sha’ar HaTziyun (Siman 2, letter 24), the Chofetz Chaim cites the view of the Eliyahu Rabbah that during a pressing situation one may rely on the view of the Maharshal! True, it may not fit into the Shulchan Aruch’s view in 91:4, but we do find it in this Mishnah Berurah in siman beis.
“We can perhaps further buttress David Schoen’s leniency with the view of the Vilna Gaon (Siman 8:6) that when one will possibly miss the opportunity to make a berachah (for example, such as that on thunder and lightning) one may be lenient and rely on the Rif’s view that a berachah can be said without covering the head at all. Generally speaking, only select individuals follow the view of the Vilna Gaon when his words are in contrast to the Shulchan Aruch and Mishnah Berurah, unless the Mishnah Berurah cites him, but it certainly could be a contributing point (a s’nif lehakel).
“There are those who have suggested that David Schoen’s covering his head was merely a reflex action of a person wanting to ensure that his yarmulke does not fall off. That’s a possibility. With no further evidence, however, it could just be chalked up to David Schoen’s record of three for three.”
################################################################################################################
With all due respect to the esteemed Rabbi Hoffman, isn’t the above a classic example of someone not seeing the forest for the trees? Perhaps President Trump hired Mr. Schoen because every other lawyer he had contacted actually expected to be paid? And that the reason Mr. Schoen took the gig was to put himself front and center and advance his own career? But the mishnah and gemara wouldn’t go into such considerations for the esteemed Rabbi Hoffman.
Incidentally, does anyone know of perhaps a Methodist minister who might be interested in preparing a very disillusioned Jewish guy for possible conversion? Thanks.
W
Since Schoen is orthodox,was it correct for him to take on the representation of such a despicable,sinful person as Trump?What do you think of Schoen’s refusal to work on the sabbath?Aren’t their ways around it?
Incidentally,nice to see you back on-line. Mike Lomazow
Isn’t there a debate about whether there is a work exception in an emergency situation?For instance,if Schoen could have just walked over to the capital from a hotel room,would that be more kosher?Gerald,what do you yourself think of the no driving or working rules?Is an exception permissible to drive for medical reasons?
Gerald,
A law school professor of mine,in order to illustrate that there were exceptions for any rule,told the story of two priests,one old and one young,who came from a sect which prohibited any touching of women.One day when the two went for a walk in the woods,they came upon a women drowning in a body of water.The older priest jumped in and scooped up the women,saving her life.The two priests continued their walk in silence until hours later,when the younger priest said, “He could you have done that,touching that women.” The older priest said, “Put her down my son…I did hours ago.”
Today I wanted to say, “Happy Valentine’s Day, Marvin, and to everyone who has a big heart!”
Thanks to all who were thinking the good wishes and enjoyed chocolates & cocktails/grape juice etc!
May all good people live every day in excellent health & happiness along with those they love!
(Did I mention sometimes I type while I am actually sleeping? Zzzzzzzz!)
Michael,
Dinah and JR are the go-to people on this site regarding Judaism’s fine points. They’re brother and sister and live in Silver Spring, Maryland. Joshua is a Yale Law School graduate, and you can read some of his marvelous Forward and other essays on the internet. Dinah is a book reviewer who is much more knowledgeable than I am. I was always taught that the preservation of human life overturns almost every other rule or commandment of Judaism, but then I once incurred the wrath of a rabbi when I asked about God’s sending the angel of death to kill all the innocent first-born Egyptian males in the Passover story. Go figure. I was never smart or interested enough to pursue the point.
Remember, Koufax refused to pitch in the 1965 World Series because Game One was scheduled to be played on Yom Kippur. Hank Greenberg also sat out some holidays. But of course that doesn’t really answer your question. JR and Dinah or Marvin or anyone else to the rescue?
My position is that religion should act as a guide to make your life better. No one should be dominated by his/her religion, otherwise you present yourself as a person who cannot think for himself/herself and hence “brainwashed,” no different from a cult. No one has the right to force their religion or beliefs on you.
News item this morning: “A city worker was busted when he was caught making love to a woman while supposedly on overtime.”
Making love on the city’s dime while collecting overtime?
Shouldn’t he really be entitled to Casanova-time?
Does the women get time and a half?
No reprimand is necessary if their names are Romeo & Juliet!
Marvin,
I wanted to tell you that I purloined one of the lines you posted from the movie,The French Connection.I knew it would not win but I couldn’t resist using it because to this day,it makes me laugh.The cartoon depicted what appeared to be a husband and wife,mi ddle age or older,sitting on a couch in their living room,she reading and he with the clicker in his hand,watching tv.It looks like a very quiet evening at home.The husband looks like he will be addressing the wife.I have him say, “Did I ever tell you that I used to pick my feet in Poughkeepsie. ” I thought it was hilarious but I knew it would not win,.However,I made myself laugh and I’ll bet it made the caption reader laugh as well.
Michael,
If a joke or a pun makes you laugh, then it is good enough to submit in a caption contest.
Perhaps you will enjoy the following:
First he was a DAFFY DUCK, soon a LAME DUCK, and then Donald Trump DUCKED the impeachment.
Next he DUCKED golf balls and said, “My Republican people love me as I am not a DEAD DUCK yet!”
Marvin,
It’s funny and also very apropos that you would reference a duck in regards to Trump.When I read it,my reaction was immediately,yes,quack,quack,quack!
Michael,
I was waiting for you to say, “That QUACKS me up!”
Marvin,
You quacked up both me and my wife!
Marvin,
Why don’t you take a shot at the Eli Stein Caption Contest which ends tomorrow.It’s no.170.You can post as many as 15 captions.I have a feeling this cartoon would be right up your alley.It’s a doctor talking to a patient.Take a look.
Gerald,you should look also!
Michael,
Your entries for the Eli Stein contest look very promising to win. Mr. Stein used to pick out his winners (with exceptions) according to how he wrote the caption in the past.
He also chose those to win who wrote many entries, and certain writers became his favorites to win. Once I entered over 20 well-thought-out captions, and he became bent out of shape.
He suggested that if you can’t write only a few captions, then you have no talent. Then he said that he didn’t base the winners on his own past captions. Then he said he would only accept the first 15 entries as legitimate so as not to offend his “pet” caption writers who wrote 15 or fewer entries. There is no prize except his choice for a winner. I don’t follow him
and do not enter his contest for these many reasons. But, I will offer you my entry for his latest caption contest #170, and you may enter it as your own if you choose!
My diagnosis is that you have BAD TEETH, BAD KIDNEYS, a BAD HEART, a BAD G.I. TRACT, and most of all BAD INSURANCE!
I already submitted 15 but thanks.I think I see the winning entry coming and it won’t be mine but I still enjoy thoroughbred up.
Still enjoy thinking them up
Marvin,
Your caption is funny I’m already at 15
To Marvin and Gerald,
Another contest you could try closes on Feb.23.It’s the cartoon collections caption contest.You can submit three captions.Hint…..Where’s Waldo?
Michael,
My caption for this contest (as I remember it) is as follows:
My love for Waldo was always CROWDED OUT by his friends.
Michael, why don’t you start your own caption contest? As a lawyer, you possess excellent material to be used for this purpose!
Too lazy….and truthfully,I enjoy talking to people like you more than submitting captions,or judging them,which I am not qualified to do
Michael,
You are so lucky to have important people in your life like your wife & son. Tell them I said they need to push you harder to counter act that laziness!
(If you want, Donald Trump might be available to help you if you promise to support him in 2024.) 🙂
I hope he’s in jail in 2024.One interesting legal thing I’ve thought about is that although a felony conviction,in and of itself,won’t stop you from running for president,it’s possible that as a term and condition of probation,he could be ordered not to run.If he’s convicted in Georgia of attempted election fraud,a reasonable probation term could be that he can’t run.Normally,you can’t impose probation terms that bear no connection to the crime.For instance,if he was convicted of election fraud,it would be unconstitutional to impose a condition such as he needed to stay away from bars or re staurants.However,since another election race is reasonably related,I think it would fly.Further,you as a defendant can agree to accept probation terms and waive your right to appeal those terms.If Trump was afraid of going to jail,he could potentially plea bargain by entering a plea and agreeing not to run as a condition of probation.He would next agree that he was waiving his right to appeal the conviction and the probation terms.I know we are way ahead of ourselves but it’s fun for me to speculate on possibilities.
Marvin,
By the way,the Waldo cartoon was a mystery to me.I have to admit I was ignorant of the Waldo craze but I showed it to my wife who enlightened me.I thought it was a cartoon showing a beatnik stalker following the girl!I guess I missed out on the appreciation for cartoons generally as I never looked at them in the papers..I turned to the sports pages and ignored the rest.(which I’m still mostly guilty of)The truth is,I know virtually nothing of serial cartoons.I never bought or read comics,such as Superman,Batman,etc.As my son grew up,I did take him to comic book shows,as he has an appreciation for them.We spent hours at these shows,as well as Baseball Card shows where thousands of people would attend.He still has all of the comics in nice boxes and I’m sure his two boys will eventually be the beneficiaries.I did save,for some reason,the Hardy Boys Books and Chip Hilton Books I read as a kid and gave them to my son who has them,read them,and will pass them on to his boys
O.K. How about coming up with a caption you could send in,sight unseen,to any caption contest..In other words,can you write a caption you think would apply to almost any caption contest?How would it be constructed?I know it’s a crazy exercise but come on,give it a shot!
Bob Mankoff, the founder of this Moment Caption Contest, proposed exactly what you are talking about.
https://www.newyorker.com/cartoons/bob-mankoff/your-universal-captions
Thanks Jim,
I read the link.Funny.I didn’t know about it.I haven’t come up with a caption.I just thought it would be fun to try.
Jim, you’re amazing. But I shouldn’t be surprised. You once said that you have a facility for finding things on the internet, for doing research and making connections. I wasn’t aware of Mankoff’s challenge, but it does stand to reason that a hastily written, unrelated caption could be very funny, the more unrelated the better. After all, humor is provided by the very juxtaposition of concepts ordinarily having nothing to do with each other. For instance, from the top of my head I could come up with a parting line for our old, bedraggled year to say to the new year as he is being led away, something like, “I always preferred Wheatena for breakfast, but you can always get Rice Krispies if you like.”
All right, it has nothing to do with our Moment cartoon. But I laughed. Everything, after all, no matter how unlike, is connected, whether we see the connection at the time or not; and humor, after all, comes from the relaxed smile that comes from making this connection.
The problem is that the caption has to be funny.First,I thought of “I never thought I’d be in this predictament”,but it’s just not funny.If you can come up with a funny line,it would probably awkwardly fit many cartoons.Even trying to fit a good line to represent two cartoons is difficult.If you take the last two cartoons from this contest,lets see where we are.We have the pilgrim cartoon and we now have outgoing 2020 and incoming 2021.Can anyone come up with a funny one that fits these last two?or try for the whole enchilada.
Okay, how about: “Dress for the job you want, not the one you’ve got.”
I’ll try to find a few more if I can.
Jim,
That’s really good!
Michael,
“I say nothing and I am never misquoted!”
Please feel free to critique my (senseless) caption.
Marvin,
Ted Cruz should have tried that to some extent yesterday.Can you believe he flew to Mexico and left his Texas brethren in the cold and dark and when caught,blamed his trip on his kids desire for a vacation and further stated,he was coming right back.He should have “said nothing” and then he “couldn’t be misquoted.” The Pilgrim and the old man, father 2020, in the last two captions didn t say anything in the cartoons and therefore,that would fit in if they were talking.That brings us to another question….What do you imagine they would be saying if the caption was turned around and you had to come up with a caption with them as the talkers?Both could say something along the lines of “Sorry,I lost my way.”
Jim,
I wanted to tell you that your upbringing reminds me of mine.(economically)My father was a ship builder in the Brooklyn navy yard during the war and stayed on after The war for several years.We lived in my grandfather’s house in a rather small apartment for a family of five.There was,however,three bedrooms and a kitchen and bathroom.My father eventually opened up his own business and did better.My childhood was happy,nevertheless.A big extravagance was buying a wood stickball ba t with black tape on the handle for good grip.It was 35 cents.The only possessions I had were sports related….a basketball,and a baseball glove.Toops baseball cards were 5 cents a pack.I did have several books.
Michael,
I bet your dad read the Brooklyn Daily Eagle, an afternoon newspaper that had one of the best circulation figures in the United States at one time. My father worked on commission in Brooklyn as a steel salesman and used the Brooklyn Navy Yard. If he were alive, he wouldn’t recognize it today with all the event spaces it offers as well as stores of every stripe. He could have made a lot of money for himself and his company by selling steel to the Japanese government (this was before Pearl Harbor). We could have used the money, but he distrusted the country’s intentions and refused. He almost lost his job because he felt that way. But he was proven right after December 7th. You’ve made statements that nobody can really predict the stock market. I wonder if anybody can predict anything. It’s like throwing darts at a board. The more darts you throw, the better chance you have. Life in many ways is a crapshoot. Or better yet a card game. The trick is to always try to lead with your strong suit.
Michael,
I wouldn’t enter the Eli Stein contest. I couldn’t compete with your excellent entries. You are a pro, whether you categorize yourself as one or not. But thanks for thinking of me.
Gerald,
Your comments to Jim hit home. I love weird seemingly non-sensical captions.As Marvin said,if they make you laugh,that’s good enough because I think we are really trying to please ourselves.That’s why Marvin’s suggestion of “Did you pick your feet in Poughkeepsie” is classic and to me ,very funny.If I can make myself laugh,I’ve gotten maximum benefit out of the contest.You could probably use that caption in multiple cartoons and have it make sense as an off the wall very funny submission.In think the best submissions avoid the most obvious possibilities for a little off kilter remark.And what’s the worse that can happen with your seemingly strange submission.I don’t think there are caption police ready to arrest you for a bad caption.Come to think of it,the would make a funny cartoon!
Is it all right if Robert Frost has the last word here in our discussions? Thanks.
“We all sit around in a circle and suppose,
While the secret sits in the middle and knows.”
Gerald,
Life is indeed a crapshoot.I have often thought of the twists and turns that caused me to meet my wife,come to California to live our lives,etc.The Vietnam war was a major event in my life,although I never got anywhere near it.It changed everything for me(another story).I would not have met my wife or come to California for law school if it wasn’t for the war.I’ve always thought that you can pick any person off the street,sit them down and get their life story and you will always be amazed with the twists and turns that have influenced their lives and more interestingly,totally entertained by their life story which would rival anything which is depicted on TV. Everyone has a unique and interesting life story.
I just suggested to Marvin that if you took the last two cartoons, the pilgrim and father 2020,and turned it around and had them do the talking that the caption on both could be,Sorry,I lost my way.That got me thinking that we could all have fun suggesting alternative captions,as if the other person was talking.In fact,you could come up with a whole conversation between the subjects of the cartoon.I bet Marvin and Gerald would be great at crafting a conversation.I’m not suggesting this be an entry in the contest but a little side fun.I’m going to try it at least once in the next contest.
Michael,
I forgot to mention this, but Wegmans Supermarkets have usually been rated at or near the top in any national poll, usually just before Trader Joe’s, in terms of consumer satisfaction. When they wanted to establish a branch in the New York metropolitan area, they hunted and hunted and finally found their dream site and opened a big and beautiful new store–in the old Brooklyn Navy Yard, of all places.
Yes, if our fathers came back today, they would not believe their eyes. It might be as if they were on a different planet.
About 1960 or so,my father took me on a tour of the navy yard.I found it fascinating.My father stopped working there about 1955 and opened up a business as a middleman for burlap bags,eventually morphing into paperbags and cartoons and then plastic.He also repaired large industrial sewing machines,which were used on the heavy paper bags used for chemicals,fertilizer,etc.He took his brother into the business and it flourished for many years.My father actually passed away working at the business.He was 69 and had many health problems.His brother continued to operate the business and turned it over to his kids.
Michael and Marvin,
May I suggest a captionless cartoon featuring only a guy lying on the sidewalk next to a wall with a big sign behind him reading “Captions for Sale. One Size Fits All”?
I once mentioned this, but, ironically, my favorite cartoon was captionless. It featured, as I remember, an auto repair shop with a big sign in the window saying
“Merry Christmas—Second Notice!” The moral being, I guess, that to get a tip you have to give one first.
Happy Purim!
Gerald,
I love merry christmass,second notice! I also like Captions for Sale…One size fits all! When you mentioned favorite captions,I immediately thought Of a very risque one that was submitted to the New yorker ,either by Siskel or Ebert(I can’t recall which)Apparently,the new Yorker would not use it as it was considered too risque.It was Of a naked guy sitting in a plane full of passangers.The tray is down,covering his lap.He speaks to the person sitting next to him and says something like”Do you want to see this tray come up without me touching it? ” Very funny.
I just looked up the caption and it was Ebert,who wrote something like “Watch as I return the tray to its original upright position. “My memory changed it but you get the picture.
Gerald,
As I said,I loved the cartoon,Merry Christmas,second notice,but I’m not sure what you mean by “to get a tip,you have to give one first”
I felt that the auto repair shop by saying “second notice” was trying to tip off (get information to) its customers that its holiday greetings, in addition to the good wishes conveyed, were also meant as a not-so-subtle request for Christmas tips for the owner and mechanics. I know “tip off” is also a basketball term covering the throwing up of the ball by the referee and its possession by one of the players at the outset in the center circle, so that might have thrown you off a little. The cartoon was indicating a situation like a waiter in a restaurant giving his customers a tip as they neared the end of their meal that a tip would be in order (i.e., expected or customary).
Speaking of jokes, again Robert Frost:
“Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on thee
And I’ll forgive Thy great big one on me.”
Have a good day (and that’s no joke).
I used to hate tip-offs as I frequently was looking at the navel of the other center.
Since this is a very literate site,I’m guessing that there would be interest in my cousin’s hobby of magazine collecting.There was an article about it in Friday’s New York times.If you put Steven Lomazow into the search engine of the new York times,you should find it.The article is very interesting.
To alter a quotation from the Laurel and Hardy movies, “Well, here’s another nice mess I’ve gotten me into.” Let me explain.
I was sure that the pandemic would doom the prestigious high-tuition colleges and benefit the lower-cost public community and other colleges. I had many arguments to bolster my view, which I will not go into now. Suffice it to say, the world has not behaved in accordance with my forecasts. Applications have sharply risen, not fallen, at expensive Ivy League institutions like Cornell and Columbia. Cornell itself, for example, has received 17,000 more applications than it has ever received before while smaller institutions, both public and private, have seen precipitous declines. Applications, for example, have fallen by 14% at the State University of New York. Now part of the enrollment increases may be due to the fact that the Ivy League schools have waived the submission of standardized SAT and ACT scores because of the pandemic, but that’s not enough to have caused the massive increase in enrollment.
What’s the bottom line of all of this?
Marvin, if I ever tout a stock as a can’t-miss investment for you, you’ll know what to do. Sell it short.
Gerald,
Good question.I asked my wife and she said maybe the pandemic has scared enough people into the conclusion that to be secure in America you better go to the best college you can.With job possibilities uncertain in the future,could the need to try and secure your place in the world of the future be even more a predominant issue.Next,I do think that many applicants are counting on more open enrollments,with the elimination of the SAT as evidence of a coming change.Movements like “Black Lives Matter” may be a manifestation of the notion that there is change coming.
Jim (the first road you took but later abandoned was toward the field of anthropology).
Yuval Noah Harari is a professor in the Department of History at the Hebrew Institute of Jerusalem. This is from his book “Sapiens,” a history of humankind that in a way addresses the eternal question “What is natural?” as we seek to discover the best ways of living.
Dr. Harari begins by stating , “Maybe our primate cousins can teach us something about natural families.” Let’s see:
“Gibbons usually live in couples. When a male and a female form a couple, they tend to stay together for many years. They live alone together, in their own part of the forest, and look after their own young.
“But wait. With gorillas it’s far more common for a male to live with a harem of many females and all of their young. Each baby gorilla has a different mother, but they all have the same father.
“Orangutans, on the other hand, like their solitude. They enjoy sitting alone peacefully, perhaps just watching the sunset. Orangutan mothers are almost always single parents. They raise their children single-handed. And when the young mature, they leave to go and live on their own. That’s the way they like it.
“Chimpanzees are the exact opposites of orangutans. They live in noisy communities of lots of males and females together. They don’t form lasting couples. Young chimps stay very close to their mothers but usually don’t even know who their fathers are. The word ‘father’ probably wouldn’t mean much to them.
“In one type of chimpanzee, known as the common chimpanzee, the males hang out together, and the most powerful male is the leader of the whole group.
“But with other types of chimpanzee, bonobos, the females form very close friendships–sex included. They help each other raise their young, and they’re the ones who make decisions, not the adult males. Little bonobo girls don’t dream about marrying a prince. Most of them would prefer a cool girlfriend instead.”
What’s the takeaway from all this?
If you want to find out what’s natural, you first have to figure out which primate cousin you most resemble.
Gerald,
A big sexy guy like you would fit best right in with the gorilla tribe. Just think of all the happy females you would command.
By “not selling yourself short” you would be the proud father & grandfather of dozens of future gorillas as fierce & intelligent as you.
No one would interfere with your joyful daily chores of eating plants and mating, then beating your chest.
If Dian Fossey were alive, she would write many books about your dynamic life as the famous handsome silverback of the jungle!
(Don’t worry Gerald, I won’t mention that you are too shy to write this observation for yourself!) 🙂
Marvin,
Thanks for the kind words. I learned something from them. I had always known that you are a great intellect and have a fantastic sense of humor. But I never knew that you also are a wonderful writer of fiction—in the style of Edgar Rice Burroughs. Tarzan was a swinger, too, except in his case it was from tree to tree.
Speaking of which, did you hear about the little boy who asked his mother where he came from. She looked down at him and answered sweetly, “Well, G-d created a wondrous paradise called the Garden of Eden for the first man, whose name was Adam. Then from Adam’s rib G-d created Eve to be his wife. After that … ” Just then the boy interrupted.
“But, Ma,” he said, “I’m very confused. I asked my father the same question and he told me that my ancestors were the great apes.”
“Listen,” the mother declared angrily, “if you want to know about my side of the family, ask me. But if you want to know about your father’s, then you have to ask him!”
Some people are highbrow, including almost everybody on this site. Others, unfortunately, are lowbrow. I belong to the latter group.
Let me prove it.
We’re approaching he holiday of Purim. Most people during this time think about the magillah, the Book of Esther, the joyous tale of courage and trust in the Lord in which the Jewish people were saved from annihilation by their Persian rulers in the fifth century. It is a stirring tale, filled with suspense. Most people celebrate by dancing and joyfully exchanging Purim baskets.
And what am I reminded of amidst all this joy? Don’t laugh.
I watch reruns of Magilla Gorilla, a 1960’s Hanna-Barbera cartoon series about a bothersome gorilla spending his time in the display window of Mr. Peebles’ pet shop and ruining his business.
The only defense of my heretical behavior is that by avoiding the closeness of the traditional Purim celebrations I am avoiding exposure to Covid 19.
It’s a pretty poor excuse, but it’ll have to do.
Hours after landing on Mars,NASA’S perseverance rover scooped up 11,781 votes for Donald Trump!
Sight unseen,here is my first caption for the next contest. “Im afraid you’ve mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.”
Michael,
Let me keep one step ahead of you. Here’s my caption for the contest AFTER the next one: “Gesundheit!”
Let’s combine them and come up with a back story.You are the story teller extraordinarie!
You can change mine because it’s a dead end.
Two chimpanzees were hanging out in the Amazon Rainforest, eating their lunch consisting of fruits, nuts and seeds , leaves, and assorted insects, when one suddenly broke the silence. “Hey,” he said to his companion, “Did you know that there’s a new anthropologist in the area observing us? I notice that she eats only food derived from plants, absolutely nothing else.”
“That’s news to me,” said the other. “I hadn’t heard anything about herbivore.”
All this talk about early mankind reminds me of an embarrassing incident many, many years ago. Before the agricultural revolution early humans were largely nomads, having no fixed residence but moving from place to place as the seasons changed. But one day I told my teacher that I wanted to join the nomads. When she asked me why, I told her that they must be very kind people because they never got mad. The whole class laughed as she explained that nomads didn’t mean no-mads.
Maybe I’m still looking for more no-mads in this crazy Trump-infested world.
Quote of the Day from the Hearings into the Capitol Riots:
“According to all the plans we had, we were well prepared for anything that might happen that day.
There was just one problem.
We had the wrong plans.”
“Geshundseit”,he said to the beautiful women on the elevator.They had been the only two occupants as the car started its slow descent.” Thankyou”,she said and laughed at the intensity with which he had spoken to her.Did you find that funny,he asked.It’s only that I haven’t heard the word ‘geshundseit’ for years,when my grandmother would also say it when I sneezed.It’s actually endearing to me.I’m glad I brought back some happy memories,he said.I’m also glad you sneezed because it gave me an opening to speak to you.I bet you say that to all the girls,she laughingly said..No,just the beautiful girls like you,he responded.I’m Jack,what’s your name.Jill,she said as the car continued its slow trip down.
Michael,
A very good pre-pandemic tale, when two innocent, maskless people could actually strike up more than a muzzled conversation in an elevator. Today’s cartoon would feature two attractive people in the lift, looking longingly into each other’s eyes, with the man asking , anxiously, “Have you had both shots of the vaccine yet?”
Will we ever be able to go back to that age of pre-Trump/Corona innocence again?
To Rich Wolf,
I was going over the posts again, and I again came upon your suggestion to separate the comments from the captions. I am reminded of a beautiful woven rug. On one side you see the pattern, the art. On the other you see an intricate cross-stitching of lines as you follow the warp and the woof. The comments somehow give the captions depth, reveal the attitude of the captioner so that the site is more than one-liners. But we are all strangers here, come together thanks to the kindness of Moment, and I await other voices as the direction we take. Thanks again for your comments and your ALWAYS great captions.
Gerald,
My elevator story,which I know was very sophomoric was inspired and was an ode to my son and daughter in law,who met on an elevator in the building they were both renting in in Seattle.
Nothing you write is sophomoric. Of course if you asked an astrologer to chart the course of your son and daughter-in-law’s relationship, the expert would want to know the exact floor the elevator was on when they first noticed each other.
Good luck on the second shot. The most common side-effect is a moderately sore arm where the shot was given into the muscle, and even that soreness doesn’t last very long, if indeed you experience it.
Trump will soon meet a cadre of aggressive trial lawyers who will bury him if he’s stupid enough to testify.New York prosecutors,who don’t have a lock on aggressiveness,will be joined by Georgia,etc.The funny thing about a good prosecutor is that upon meeting them socially,you may not be able to pick up on this aggressiveness,but put them into court and the transformation can be startling.The best trial lawyers,by nature of the job,need this gene. “I hope Trump gets to meet some of the best.Even if he doesn’t testify,he’s dead in at least Georgia.That phone call where he tried to coerce the “finding” of votes is virtually indefensible.
Second covid shot on saturday…happy but nervous about side effects….all my friends only experienced arm pain
Gerald,
Thanks for writing back.The apartment complex had,I think 4 floors,so it was at best a meet and greet without getting any substantial info.That very night,when I spoke to my son by phone,as was my custom,I asked him if he had met any interesting women.He told me of the very pretty girl from the elevator and when I encouraged him to follow up,he said he would but he’s sure she must be married or have a boyfriend as she was too pretty to be unattached.He obviously did follow up and as a result,he has a great wife and we have a great daughter in law.I told the elevator story at his wedding during my speech and the assembled seemed to appreciate it.His wife was a professor of languages at the university of wsshington.She is Swedish and comes from a long standing Seattle family.Besides swedish,she speaks spanish,french,Italian and a decent amount of Arabic.She has advanced degrees in language……and she is beautiful but most importantly,extremely sweet.We love her and wish we Could spend more time together.
The part of the story I forget until I showed my blurb to you to my wife is as follows….My wife thought you would enjoy it.A week after The elevator incident,my son had purchased a townhouse and was moving out.He was packing up his car in the garage and she happened to pull in.They started talking and when he mentioned he was moving,she,who had never asked a guy out in her life(her best friend told this story at the wedding)asked my son if he wanted to meet for a drink.My son,believe it or not,handed her his business card and asked her to call him!She actually did that after having her friend check him out on-line!Ah yes,a modern day love story!They were married a year later,sold the townhouse and bought a house in Edmonds WA,about 15 miles from seattle.The first kid came two years later and The second a year ago.All these tales were told at the wedding which took place on a de-commissioned -tug boat moored in the harbor in seattle.The vows occurred just as the sun was going down over the water.It was really beautiful.
Congratulations. Your fortune is in your family. All those attributes in one person. Reminding me of a story I told before you came to this site.
It seemed that a man’s wife was getting depressed. She would stay in bed all day consumed by darkness. One day a psychiatrist suggested a cure. He told the poor husband to buy a songbird to cheer his wife up, to make her focus on something outside of herself, and that is what the husband did. He ran to a nearby pet shop and brought home a canary, placing it in a cage in the darkened bedroom. Slowly but surely the wife began to recover. Day after day the bird would sing as if every lovely melody in the world were in its tiny throat.
One morning the wife was feeling so much better that she herself opened the blinds to let the sunlight in. It was then that the husband noticed that the canary was hopping around— on only one leg. Furiously he ran back to the pet store. “You cheated me!” he cried. “In my anger I didn’t notice the bird’s condition!”
The owner of the pet shop listened patiently as the man ranted, then said, “Listen, mister, I remember your story.
“Just what did you want? A singer or a dancer?”
We all have to compromise. But it sounds like you and your wife and your son have everything!
May it always be the same.
My wife wants you to know that she finds your sentiment lovely.I agree we have a lot to be thankful for and I trust you likewise do as well.
By the way ,about 60 years ago when I lived with my parents in Brooklyn,I came home from some outing to an empty house.My parents and siblings were evidently out somewhere.I sat down and got busy reading the sports pages.I heard a strange noise which I first ignored but it repeated itself many times.It seemed to be coming from the basement.It really scared me as I thought someone had broken in and was in the basement.I creeped down the stairs with some heavy object in my hand for protection.When I reached the bottom of the dark stairs,the noise suddenly stopped which made me even more nervous.Finally,turning on a light I spotted the intruder!It was a canary in the cage,which my parents had bought that very day unbeknownst to me and placed it in the basement.There had been no talk of buying a bird so it was a complete spur of the moment decision on their part to purchase the bird.I haven’t thought of this for years and again,not until reading your canary story.